Jokes Factory - Jokes Etc - Nairaland
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Letter To Nepa & Sundry Jokes. . . / Chinese and Asian Jokes / Nigerian Jokes (2) (3) (4)
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| Jokes Factory by Phate07(m): 10:55am On Dec 04, 2010 |
Welcome to The Joke Factory!  Here we remix and mix jokes, and also make and unmake jokes.  Laugh out loud and enjoy! |
| Re: Jokes Factory by Phate07(m): 11:03am On Dec 04, 2010 |
Little Johnny sees his Daddy's car passing the playground and going into the woods. Curious, he follows the car and sees Daddy and Aunt Jane kissing. Johnny finds this so exciting and can barely contain himself as he runs home and starts to tell his mother excitedly. "MOMMY, MOMMY, I WAS AT THE PLAYGROUND AND DADDY AND, " Mommy tells him to slow down, but that she wants to hear the story. So Johnny tells her. "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went to look and Daddy was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt, then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane laid down on the seat, then Daddy, " At this point, Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight." At the dinner table, Mommy asks Johnny to tell his story. He describes the car into the woods, the undressing, laying down on the seat, and, "Then Daddy and Aunt Jane did that same thing Mommy and Uncle Jeff used to do when Daddy was in the Army." |
| Re: Jokes Factory by Phate07(m): 11:12am On Dec 04, 2010 |
A guy is out with his buddies. He has a few drinks, gets in the mood but true to his wife goes at home. When he gets home he finds her sound asleep in bed with her mouth wide open. He gets two aspirin and drops them into her mouth. Of course, she chokes but recovers and asks, "What did you put in my mouth?" He says, "Two aspirin". She replies, "BUT I DON'T HAVE A HEADACHE"!!! He says, "That's what I wanted to hear." |
| Re: Jokes Factory by Phate07(m): 11:31am On Dec 04, 2010 |
One day a fisherman got up very early in the morning. There was not enough sunlight to get into the sea. He saw a pack of stones to pass time. He started throwing the stone into the sea. While having the last stone in the hand, the sun came up then he saw that the stone was a diamond and all the stones he threw were diamonds as well. He felt for his misfortune of throwing all of them into the sea, Moral of the story: DO NOT WAKE UP EARLY IN THE MORNING! |
| Re: Jokes Factory by Phate07(m): 11:41am On Dec 04, 2010 |
Letter to Dad by An Arab Sheikh student: Dear Dad, Berlin is a wonderful city, Germans are nice and I really like it here, but Dad, I am bit ashamed to arrive to my college with my Gold Mercedes, when all them my professors travel by train. Your Son Nasser --------------------------------- Response by the Arab Sheikh Dad: Loving son, I just transferred Twenty Five Million Dollars to your Bank account, please stop embarrassing our family, go and get yourself a train too. Your Dad. |
| Re: Jokes Factory by Migines(m): 11:58am On Dec 04, 2010 |
*shrugs* |
| Re: Jokes Factory by StudioCFR(m): 12:23pm On Dec 04, 2010 |
No be only joke factory - na chocolate factory. Mtchew |
| Re: Jokes Factory by Phate07(m): 12:58pm On Dec 04, 2010 |
What is Tension? A beautiful girl asks lift from you. On the way she faints and you take her to hospital. Doctor says ‘Congrats. You are going to become a father.’ THAT’S IT. YOU GET TENSED. You say – ‘But that baby is not mine.’ Girl says – ‘he is only the father of my baby.’ YOU HAVE MORE TENSION. Police comes and DNA test is done. Report comes. Which says that you can never become a father. EVEN MORE TENSION FOR YOU. Anyhow you thank God and return home. Then you think, “At home I have 2 kids. Whose are those ?” THAT IS REAL TENSION. |
| Re: Jokes Factory by Phate07(m): 1:06pm On Dec 04, 2010 |
An American, a Nigerian and a Canadian were in a terrible car accident. They were all brought to the same emergency room, but all three of them died before they arrived. Just as they were about to put the toe tag on the American, he stirred and opened his eyes. Astonished, the doctors and nurses present asked him what happened. "Well," said the American, "I remember the crash, and then there was a beautiful light, and then the Canadian and the Nigerian and I were standing at the gates of heaven. St. Peter approached us and said that we were all too young to die, and said that for a donation of $50, we could return to earth. So of course I pulled out my wallet and gave him the $50, and the next thing I knew I was back here." "That's amazing!" said the one of the doctors, "But what happened to the other two?" "Last I saw them," replied the American, "the Nigerian was haggling over the price and the Canadian was waiting for the government to pay." |
| Re: Jokes Factory by Phate07(m): 1:21pm On Dec 04, 2010 |
A man bought marriage software and he experienced problems in using the software and decided to write to the Marriage Software Division: Dear Systems Analyst, I am desperate for some help! I recently upgraded my program from Girlfriend 7.0 to, Wife 1.0 and found that the new program began unexpected Child Processes and also took up a lot of space and valuable resources. This wasn't mentioned in the product brochure. In addition Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during systems initialization and then it monitors all other system activities. Applications such as "Boys' Night out 2.5" and "Golf 5.3" no longer run, and crashes the system whenever selected. Attempting to operate selected "Saturday Rugby 6.3" always fails and "Saturday Shopping 7.1" runs instead. I cannot seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background whilst attempting to run any of my favorite applications. Be it on-line or off-line. I am thinking of going back to "Girlfriend 7.0 ", but uninstall doesn't work on this program. Can you please help? |
| Re: Jokes Factory by Migines(m): 1:37pm On Dec 04, 2010 |
I dont ged'it . . . Re u carefully selecting dead nd stale jokes to post? |
| Re: Jokes Factory by Phate07(m): 2:47pm On Dec 04, 2010 |
One night, a drunk comes stumbling into a bar and says to the bartender: "Drinks for all on me including you, bartender." So the bartender follows the mans orders and says: "That will be $36.50 please." The drunk says he has no money so the bartender slaps him around and throws him out. The next night the same drunk comes in again, goes up to the bartender and orders a drink for everyone in the bar including the bartender. Again the bartender follows instructions and again the drunk says he has no money. So the bartender slaps him around and throws him out. On the third night he comes in, the drunk comes in a says, "Drinks all around, except for you bartender!" "What, no drink for me?" asks the bartender. "No way, you get violent when you drink. |
| Re: Jokes Factory by Phate07(m): 3:10pm On Dec 04, 2010 |
One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the road side. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. "Why are you eating grass?" he asked one man. "We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "Oh, come along with me then." "But sir, I have a wife with two children!" "Bring them along! And you, come with us too!" he said to the other man. "But sir, I have a wife with six children!" the second man answered. "Bring them as well!" They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limo. Once underway, one of the poor fellows says, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you." The lawyer replied, "No problem, the grass at my home is about two feet tall." |
| Re: Jokes Factory by Phate07(m): 4:23pm On Dec 04, 2010 |
A naked woman boards an ibo man's taxi in lagos. Ibo man starring at her says nothing but does not start the car. Woman:What? U've neva seen a naked woman before? Driver: I no dey look u madam, I just dey wonder where u keep the money wey u wan take pay me. |
| Re: Jokes Factory by EfemenaXY: 4:30pm On Dec 04, 2010 |
^^ give us breathing space to read, digest and comment on your jokes man what's the rush??  Too many at once! |
| Re: Jokes Factory by Phate07(m): 4:44pm On Dec 04, 2010 |
On a hot summer day, a country bumpkin came into town with his dog. He tied the dog under the shade of a tree and went into the bar for a cold beer. About 20 minutes later a policeman came into the bar and asked who owned the dog tied under the tree. The bumpkin said that it was his. The policemansaid, "Your dog seems to be in heat." The bumpkin replies, "No way dog's in heat, she's cool kawse I got 'er tied unner the shade tree." The policeman says, 'No! You don't understand your dog needs to be bred.' "No way,' the bumpkin says, 'dog don't need bread, she ain' hongry, kawse I fed 'ER beef jerky this mornin'." Now the policeman gets mad and yells out; 'NO! You don't seem to understand, your dog wants to have sex!' The redneck looks at him with a long pause and says, "Go 'head. I always wanted a police dog. |
| Re: Jokes Factory by ARareGem(f): 4:54pm On Dec 04, 2010 |
Funny jokes poster. |
| Re: Jokes Factory by Phate07(m): 4:54pm On Dec 04, 2010 |
Efemena_xy: Ahh, sorry my sis.  But this is a jokes factory, so we are continuosly spitting out jokes. |
| Re: Jokes Factory by Phate07(m): 4:57pm On Dec 04, 2010 |
ARareGem: Thanks! |
| Re: Jokes Factory by Phate07(m): 5:05pm On Dec 04, 2010 |
A man spent hours looking at his wedding certificate.the wife noticed it from the kitchen and asked him "sweetheart what are you looking for in our wedding certificate?" The man answered "Horney I can't find the expiry date" |
| Re: Jokes Factory by Phate07(m): 5:24pm On Dec 04, 2010 |
A man was diagnosed with cancer. One day d son asked him' dad y do u kip tellin people you have AIDS?' The dad answered "because wen am dead i don't want people to Bleep your mum." |
| Re: Jokes Factory by Phate07(m): 9:48pm On Dec 04, 2010 |
A middle management executive has to take on some sport by his doctor ’s orders, so he decides to play tennis. After a couple of weeks his secretary asks him how he ’s doing. “It’s going fine,” the manager says. “When I’m on the court and I see the ball speeding toward me, my brain immediately says, ‘ To the corner! Back hand! To the net! Smash! Go back!’” “Really? What happens then?” the secretary asks. “Then my body says, ‘Who? Me? You must be kidding!’” |
| Re: Jokes Factory by Phate07(m): 10:08pm On Dec 04, 2010 |
There I was is sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig. “Well, whatcha gonna do about it?” he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears. “Come on, man,” the biker says, “I didn’t think you’d CRY. I can’t stand to see a man crying.“ “This is the worst day of my life,” I say. “I’m a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don’t have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my old lady in bed with the gardener and then my dog bit me. ” “So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all, I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve; then you, you jack-ass, show up and drink the whole thing!" |
| Re: Jokes Factory by Phate07(m): 10:17pm On Dec 04, 2010 |
Why I Fired My Secretary Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning. I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, 'Happy Birthday!', and possibly have a small present for me. As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone ' Happy Birthday.' I thought, Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids, They will remember. My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent. As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said, 'Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday ! ' It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered. I worked until one o'clock , when Jane knocked on my door and said, 'You know, It's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your Birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me.' I said, 'Thanks, Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go !' We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go. She chose instead at a quiet bistro with a private table. We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously. On the way back to the office, Jane said, 'You know, It's such a beautiful day, We don't need to go straight back to the office, Do we ?' I responded, 'I guess not. What do you have in mind?' She said, 'Let's drop by my apartment, it's just around the corner.' After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said, 'Boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back.' 'Ok.' I nervously replied. She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake , Followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing 'Happy Birthday'. And I just sat there, On the couch, NAK-ED. |
| Re: Jokes Factory by Phate07(m): 10:30pm On Dec 04, 2010 |
A man, whose level of drunkenness was bordering on the absurd, stood up to leave a bar and fell flat on his face. "Maybe all I need is some fresh air," thought the man as he crawled outside. He tried to stand up again, but fell face first into the mud. "Screw it," he thought. "I'll just crawl home." The next morning, his wife found him on the doorstep asleep. "You went out drinking last night, didn't you?" she said. "Uh, yes," he said sheepishly. "How did you know?" "You left your wheelchair at the bar again." |
| Re: Jokes Factory by EfemenaXY: 11:02pm On Dec 04, 2010 |
Jeez!!! I've seen ALL 'em jokes  seriously recycled, nothing new - all old stuff!! |
| Re: Jokes Factory by Kunbee: 12:27am On Dec 05, 2010 |
boring |
| Re: Jokes Factory by Phate07(m): 7:26am On Dec 05, 2010 |
An old cowboy went to a bar and ordered a drink. As he sat sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him. She turned to the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?" He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life on the ranch, herding horses, mending fences, and branding cattle, so I guess I am." She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. As I watch TV, or even eat, I think about women. Everything seems to make me think about women." The two sat sipping in silence. A short time later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?" He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a lesbian." |
| Re: Jokes Factory by Phate07(m): 7:32am On Dec 05, 2010 |
Three guys were sitting in a biker bar. This man came in, he was already drunk, sat down at the bar and ordered a drink. The man looked around and saw the 3 men sitting at a corner table. He got up, staggered to the table, leaned over, looked the biggest one in the face and said, "I went by your grandma's house and I saw her in the hallway, buck naked. Man, she is fine!" The biker looked at him and didn't say a word. His buddies were confused, because he was a bad ass, and would fight at he drop of a hat. The drunk leaned on the table again and said, "I got it on with your grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!" The biker still said nothing. His buddies were starting to get mad. The drunk leaned on the table again and said, "I'll tell you something else boy, your grandma liked it!" The biker stood up, took the drunk by the shoulder and said, "Damn it, grandpa, you're drunk. Go home!" |
| Re: Jokes Factory by Phate07(m): 7:44am On Dec 05, 2010 |
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly. She says, 'Whats the story'? He replies, 'Just crap in the carburetor'? She asks, 'How often do I have to do that'? |
| Re: Jokes Factory by Phate07(m): 7:48am On Dec 05, 2010 |
The huge college freshman figured he'd try out for the football team. "Can you tackle?" asked the coach. "Watch this," said the freshman, who proceeded to run smack into a telephone pole, shattering it to splinters "Wow," said the coach. "I'm impressed. Can you run?" "Of course I can run," said the freshman. He was off like a shot, and in just over nine seconds, he had run a hundred yard dash. "Great!" enthused the coach. "But can you pass a football?" The freshman rolled his eyes, hesitated for a few seconds. "Well, sir," he said, "if I can swallow it, I can probably pass it." |
| Re: Jokes Factory by Phate07(m): 7:56am On Dec 05, 2010 |
A man goes into the plumbing supply store and says “I bought a bathtub here last week, but it keeps leaking. ” The clerk asks, “Did you put a plug in it?” The customer becomes upset. “ Plug in it? You didn’t tell me it was an electric tub!” |
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