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How Do You Deal With A Close-minded Spouse? - Family - Nairaland

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How Do You Deal With A Close-minded Spouse? by Nobody: 9:23am On Dec 09, 2010
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Re: How Do You Deal With A Close-minded Spouse? by ifyalways(f): 10:00am On Dec 09, 2010
Uju u dey fear?why use big grammar mask the true word?So Omo-Ibo Is " Mr-know-it-all"? tongue
@Topic,Try and avoid getting into arguments with him/her.avoid discussing controversial issues as hes likely not ever gonna listen to u or stop and consider ur views and If he brings up the controversial topics,let him do the discussing himself alone and if possible argue with himself.
when u give him the silent i-do-not-care attitude for sometime,he wud get the message.whats the essence of getting me into an argument,share ideas with me when u are not going to listen to my opinion and views?
Re: How Do You Deal With A Close-minded Spouse? by Nobody: 10:18am On Dec 09, 2010
ifyalways:

Uju u dey fear?why use big grammar mask the true word?So Omo-Ibo Is " Mr-know-it-all"? tongue

Lmao, Ify don't let his wrath fall upon you oh! grin cheesy

@Topic,Try and avoid getting into arguments with him/her.avoid discussing controversial issues as hes likely not ever gonna listen to u or stop and consider your views and If he brings up the controversial topics,let him do the discussing himself alone and if possible argue with himself.
when u give him the silent i-do-not-care attitude for sometime,he wud get the message.whats the essence of getting me into an argument,share ideas with me when u are not going to listen to my opinion and views?

Rotflmao cheesy cheesy

This is funny but I guess it could work! cool cool
Re: How Do You Deal With A Close-minded Spouse? by MRbrownJAY(m): 10:53am On Dec 09, 2010
@Uju
it all depends on how stubborn he is. have you tried the "we try your way someday and mine other"?
also, if the hubby believe that he is the center of the universe in that union then there is not much you can do but accept that this is the way he has always been and basta(unless you are ready to get into a confrontation).

it all comes down to care. . . . . . . . . . . if that person cares for you and your needs then they will listen and accommodate your needs somehow(or at least give it a try for the benefit of the doubt), if they dont give a damn then you are shiit out of luck.

also you would have to be a little more specific about which area exactly you want them to change.
some areas are more"flexible" than others.
Re: How Do You Deal With A Close-minded Spouse? by Ninapha(f): 12:18pm On Dec 09, 2010
Ujujoan:

Close-minded as in annoyingly inflexible and unreceptive to new ideas!!!

It’s often very frustrating trying to get them to see things from your own perspective because they are incapable of that. They tend to hold fast to their ideas, whether right or wrong, and any contrary opinion is often ignored.

How do you intelligently deal with them? undecided


Just learn the vocabulary of SILENCE even when he sorts ur opinion, make it scarce, allow him make his mistakes overtime. Like someone adviced, dont argue with him rather allow him have his way and then key in to his mistakes to make ur mark.

Your idea? hold them untill there is a mistake that ur ideas can correct, if the problems is fixed with ur ideas, he would start giving value to ur ideas.
Re: How Do You Deal With A Close-minded Spouse? by chaircover: 1:58pm On Dec 09, 2010
I know one or two men like that and I can tell you it can be terribly frustrating. People like that want to take control of everything, even silly things that don’t even concern them such as the brand of baby oil the wife should buy for the baby and so on

I am not sure that keeping quiet & not arguing and hoping that the fellow will learn from his own mistakes is the solution because that may just build up in resentment over the years & the guy will be oblivious to your real feelings. He is happy at being “always having the last say” and “always being right” while you are seething inwardly.

If you are not already married to the guy, I will suggest fighting fire for fire & hold your ground. It can only go one of two ways. He will get fed up with your assertiveness and the relationship breaks up (probably not such a bad thing) or he learns to accommodate other peoples input in the relationship and he knows that this woman is no push over.

What you can’t change before the ring goes on the finger can almost never be changed after you both sign the dotted line.
Re: How Do You Deal With A Close-minded Spouse? by Nobody: 2:06pm On Dec 09, 2010
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Re: How Do You Deal With A Close-minded Spouse? by Nobody: 2:08pm On Dec 09, 2010
Thanks CC, that's quite helpful! cool cool
Re: How Do You Deal With A Close-minded Spouse? by chaircover: 2:16pm On Dec 09, 2010
. . . . . .or once in a while when he least expects it, throw a tantrum and throw all your toys out of the pram. That will give him a taste of the kind of person that you are and will caution him from taking you for granted all the time.

Disclaimer – This is not the best way around this issue and can backfire.  cool  grin
Re: How Do You Deal With A Close-minded Spouse? by JOKYTECH(f): 3:03pm On Dec 09, 2010
If u watch carefully, u would discover that such spouse always first of all ask for ones opinion but these opinions are never used. So in such case, whenever they sick your opinion or tries to bring out a discussion that would warrant you talking, just keep quiet and if he/she bothers to ask y u are not contributing then tell him/her that even if u contribute, ur opinion would not MAKE SENCE
Re: How Do You Deal With A Close-minded Spouse? by Outstrip(f): 3:16pm On Dec 09, 2010
Don't get me started on this issue. Arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Too early for this topic LOL
Re: How Do You Deal With A Close-minded Spouse? by Ninapha(f): 4:30pm On Dec 09, 2010
Ujujoan:


@ Ninapha
What if your silence only makes him feel like he's right! If or when he makes a mistake, he simply dismisses it as 'part of life' and puts up some annoying cliches like 'we'll try again or nobody's perfet'!

I want to state that it worked for me. he wont go dismissing his failures for a long time. Except when the mistake occures he does not look for solution, whenever you see that he is in a tight corner give that your idea. If he says its "part of life" let it be and dont go nagging over it. Sometimes he would tell you " its better to try and fail than failing to try" watch it. Untill he reaches his point of untimate fraustaration, he wont hear you out.

Its not about being weak or assertive on your side, Its about ego and upbringing on your partners side.
Re: How Do You Deal With A Close-minded Spouse? by Nobody: 9:56pm On Dec 09, 2010
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Re: How Do You Deal With A Close-minded Spouse? by ifyalways(f): 10:46am On Dec 10, 2010
Ujujoan:



One time, we went out on a date and he decided I was going to drink a particular brand of wine. Now what irked me was how he kept telling me I was gonna like it even after I've explained to him that I've tried it before and I detest it! He went ahead to place the order (and it costed about 3x what I would have loved to have) and when it was served,he insisted I go ahead and drink it. 

Now I didn't want to appear rigid so I took a sip and of course I hated it. He still insisted I kept drinking it that 'I'll like it' and I'm like wtf?


Extreme! i doubt if i cud have taken that.
I wud agree to such arrangement only if he wud let me pick either his own drink or dinner for him . . .trust me,i wud make sure its the very thing he detests.
Well,if the guy is good in every other dept and worth the efforts,try both methods simultaneously. . silence and strong head.One wud surely work for u.
This is a red sign,dont ignore it,he wud either change now or never and u can either make him change now or accept it forever.
wheres omo-ibo,i need to hear his own version of the tori tongue
Re: How Do You Deal With A Close-minded Spouse? by Ninapha(f): 10:50am On Dec 10, 2010
@ Ninapha
You know some people are blessed with the spirit of patience . . . .i'm not one of such people! But one thing I know I've been blessed with is a good head, and I love using it.

I beg to diagree with CC on some of her suggestions here, If you have been there, you would understand it.  Its a kind of attitude that weakens you, sometimes, you are confused as whether you are the one doing it wrongly.

Ujujoan, you and I know there are different times and reactions with people with such character.  Before now have you not tried to flex muscles? has it worked out.  so long i advocate for patience, you have to be yourself in some cases that will affect your person.  Like the drink issue, he never forced the cup on you rather was more like boring you with nagging, In such situations, I would say, I wont and thats it, its my life and personality here not his.  At worst he would get angry but atleast, he understands I  know when to do things my way.  Do you know how I look at it,  You only wanted to play a good girl.  There was no need smarshing bottles, ofcourse u know its unlady-like.  Here My "GOLDEN SILENCE" would play well for me cos i would say no and keep quit.  All I wish is that you learn the act of equal-cushion reaction to his attitudes.  There are times Silence would work well, other times, give definit answers and at other times, take him unawares, do this without his consent too yet when he nags, use silence to teach him.
Re: How Do You Deal With A Close-minded Spouse? by naijababe(f): 10:54am On Dec 10, 2010
Ujujoan:

@ CC

Rotflmao grin grin

Unfortunately my days of throwing tantrums are over! Arrrrrrgh, what I wouldn't do to get it back . . . .

One time, we went out on a date and he decided I was going to drink a particular brand of wine. Now what irked me was how he kept telling me I was gonna like it even after I've explained to him that I've tried it before and I detest it! He went ahead to place the order (and it costed about 3x what I would have loved to have) and when it was served,he insisted I go ahead and drink it. Now I didn't want to appear rigid so I took a sip and of course I hated it. He still insisted I kept drinking it that 'I'll like it' and I'm like wtf?

Now the old me would have simple taken dat bottle, smashed it and walked out of that restaurant . . . My heart said to do it but my hands couldn't! I was soooo frustrated with myself. Where did all the fierce spirit go to huh?

@ Jok

good idea . . . Except he doesn't even bother to ask!

@ Ninapha
You know some people are blessed with the spirit of patience . . . .i'm not one of such people! But one thing I know I've been blessed with is a good head, and I love using it.

@ Outstrip

Abeg come talk jor . . . cheesy cheesy

Haba, this is just controlling jor. I agree with chaircover
Re: How Do You Deal With A Close-minded Spouse? by Ninapha(f): 11:01am On Dec 10, 2010
naijababe:

Haba, this is just controlling jor. I agree with chaircover

grin grin What is a husband to be doing before? WOMEN SUBMIT TO YOU HUSBANDS! that the wahala grin
Re: How Do You Deal With A Close-minded Spouse? by ifyalways(f): 11:04am On Dec 10, 2010
Ninapha:

@ Ninapha
You know some people are blessed with the spirit of patience . . . .i'm not one of such people! But one thing I know I've been blessed with is a good head, and I love using it.

I beg to diagree with CC on some of her suggestions here, If you have been there, you would understand it.  Its a kind of attitude that weakens you, sometimes, you are confused as whether you are the one doing it wrongly.

Ujujoan, you and I know there are different times and reactions with people with such character.  Before now have you not tried to flex muscles? has it worked out.  so long i advocate for patience, you have to be yourself in some cases that will affect your person.  Like the drink issue, he never forced the cup on you rather was more like boring you with nagging, In such situations, I would say, I wont and thats it, its my life and personality here not his.  At worst he would get angry but atleast, he understands I  know when to do things my way.  Do you know how I look at it,  You only wanted to play a good girl.  There was no need smarshing bottles, ofcourse u know its unlady-like.  Here My "GOLDEN SILENCE" would play well for me cos i would say no and keep quit.  All I wish is that you learn the act of equal-cushion reaction to his attitudes.  There are times Silence would work well, other times, give definit answers and at other times, take him unawares, do this without his consent too yet when he nags, use silence to teach him.
Silence and patience works so also is a lil'bit of strong head. I think CC had a disclaimer attached to her posts too  wink
That single act of forcing her on a drink she clearly said she does not like is alarming.
Silence and patience does not work all the time neither does strong head.
Maybe she needs to use both  undecided
Re: How Do You Deal With A Close-minded Spouse? by naijababe(f): 11:34am On Dec 10, 2010
naijababe:

Haba, this is just controlling jor. I agree with chaircover

The submission part I get, the control part I think missed the memo on that one. Make i submit reach wetin I go chop? Free me jor tongue
Re: How Do You Deal With A Close-minded Spouse? by MRbrownJAY(m): 11:49am On Dec 10, 2010
Uju honey
as much as close-minded/stubborn people are wrong, i find no problem in the example you  mentionned and would have done the same.
if he is paying for the phone then HE will find the phone that better suits you BUT ALSO that better suits his pocket, regardless of what you may think/want/desire.

a simple way to deal with it is: ask him to give YOU the money for the phone HE is willing to buy, take some of that jewellery/clothes or shoes money you are so eager to spend, to complete whatever is missing to buy whatever phone you desire. et voila!

ps: if the 2 phones cost the same then you have a simple case of a CONTROLLING MAN.
Re: How Do You Deal With A Close-minded Spouse? by chaircover: 11:57am On Dec 10, 2010
I am sorry but this is controlling behaviour and it will only get worse over time. Yes by all means choose my drink but only if you are prepared for me to choose something from the menu for us both.

I am known for my softly softly “lets try and resolve this peacefully” approach but only in marriage because they have vowed to be committed to each other, there will most probably be kids involved & they have laid their bed and so they have to work their hardest at keeping it together. I do not subscribe to a girlfriend or even a fiancée being given such a raw deal so early on.

Why should you have to adapt to please him when he is not adapting to please you? On that date, he had his way for the evening while my sister sat there sipping a drink she did not like.

My sister is not married, If she doesn’t like something she still has the freedom to pack a weekend bag and go to stay with friends etc. She doesn’t have to consider what will happen to the kids, how they will be affected by arguing etc and this is the time she has to put her foot down on what she wants or doesn’t want.

I know some people have advised to let him make his own mistakes but lets not forget that there are some very costly mistakes. What is the point of being a wife if you have no control over stopping your husband from loosing the family’s nest egg on a bad business deal that goes wrong simply because you can be bothered to argue just to keep the peace. Besides if he makes a big enough mistake; the whole family suffers.

Why do you have to bite your tongue all the time just to keep the peace? Example of a worst case scenario is you have kids and you as the mother don’t have a say in picking a school for your kid or he is the one telling you when to give up breest feeding.

My advise . . . be yourself and let him know the moment he hits the boundary. He probably doesn’t even know that he is doing anything wrong. Of course let him have his way sometimes . . . . but not all the time.

If you don’t do anything now and then come back here in 5 years to report him. Aunty CC will tell you to go and submit to your husband cool grin
Re: How Do You Deal With A Close-minded Spouse? by Ninapha(f): 12:01pm On Dec 10, 2010
ifyalways:

Silence and patience works so also is a lil'bit of strong head. I think CC had a disclaimer attached to her posts too  wink
That single act of forcing her on a drink she clearly said she does not like is alarming.
Silence and patience does not work all the time neither does strong head.
Maybe she needs to use both  undecided

grin grin Ify Nwannem.  i no easy!  I agree she needs both, thats why I said make sure of what works at the appropriate time.  Stronghead no be smarshing bottle na! infact  Stronghead works well with most people like that but one must be calm about it.

I remember once heely shoes became a taboo and you know what i had to flood my rack with heely shoes and each time we have need to walk, we will be miles apart grin grin cos i would be slow while hubby would work like soldier. Well he gets in before and would answer the question where is your wife, oh she is almost here, at home he would talk and talk, no response and he knew for sure what my conclusions are.  Now he has adjusted and we would laugh over it sometimes.
Re: How Do You Deal With A Close-minded Spouse? by Nobody: 12:38pm On Dec 10, 2010
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Re: How Do You Deal With A Close-minded Spouse? by Nobody: 12:58pm On Dec 10, 2010
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Re: How Do You Deal With A Close-minded Spouse? by jay bee(m): 1:10pm On Dec 10, 2010
You have to tenses along the line of:
I see your point but what if we do it this way.
I accept your opinion but don't you think doing it this way might work
I know you have made up you mind on this but i was just wondering if it might work if you try this
Let's try my way first and i will apologise if it doesn't work then we can do it your own way.

The point is you have to allow him feel he is the man as you don't want to crush his ego but still get your point across at the same time.
Re: How Do You Deal With A Close-minded Spouse? by MRbrownJAY(m): 1:15pm On Dec 10, 2010
Ujujoan:

shocked  shocked  shocked

So because he's paying for it, he has to dictate what I use  undecided

It's not really about the cost, I'll NEVER aski him for something he can't afford, but I was of the opinion that I'm old enough to make choices considering I'll be the person to use it!  undecided

ROTFLMAO  grin  grin

if you are on the opinion that you are old enough to choose whatever phone you like then you should also be old enough to go and get it yourself. . . . . . . . . .and remove any chances of wahala.
remember, i said that it ALSO has to do with how "healthy" his own pocket is.

The guy in question is really a nice person, well aside from his over bearing attitude. Sometimes I wonder what would happen if we ever decide to get married. Will I be asked to dress the way he likes, make up the way he thinks is okay and talk to friends he 'thinks' are decent?  I mean he's doing this when we are just dating, what will he do if I'm bearing his name


the same way that YOU think like: "what will happen when we get married?" (believing that he should bow to all your demands) is the same way that he is thinking that "if she starts like this, what will happen when we get hitched?".

so far as i understand, he didnt stop YOU from getting the phone you wanted, and therefore you could buy it yourself, he simply decided what was best for HIM (and his wallet) to buy.
same goes for clothing/makeup or whatever you mentioned.

are you saying that a man you are dating SHOULD always buy whatever you demand?! lol.
his only mistake is saying yes (when we can clearly see that he means no) and then buying something different!
Re: How Do You Deal With A Close-minded Spouse? by Ninapha(f): 1:23pm On Dec 10, 2010
jay bee:

You have to tenses along the line of:
I see your point but what if we do it this way.
I accept your opinion but don't you think doing it this way might work
I know you have made up you mind on this but i was just wondering if it might work if you try this
Let's try my way first and i will apologise if it doesn't work then we can do it your own way.

The point is you have to allow him feel he is the man as you don't want to crush his ego but still get your point across at the same time.


Thats the main issue, Ego, ego ego. Well ia m happy you are not married yet so shine your eyes and check your inner man. Check your strenght and work it out. my last coin! tongue
Re: How Do You Deal With A Close-minded Spouse? by naijababe(f): 1:30pm On Dec 10, 2010
Ujujoan:

You know I ended up not taking the drink and ordering for the one I wanted initially . . . this time around, I insisted on paying for it. It almost turned into a scene but I stood my ground. The waiter just looked at us like we were high. He still holds it against me till today . . . thinks I embarrassed and disrespected him, Lol . . . I actually wish I created a huge scene, then he would have understood what 'embarassment' means! cheesy cheesy

Maybe silence is a good one and I pary for the patience to try it. But dont find yourself around me when I'm holding someting back, I'll literarilly bite your head off! cheesy cheesy That's why I prefer being vocal with my feeling! undecided

You know I dont think he's ever going to change, not when he doesn't even know there's someting wrong with him. You need to see how he tells stories of the ladies he has 'liberated' and 'changed' cheesy cheesy . . . . He actually thinks he knows it all . . . . undecidedIt's like giving orders is his way of life . . . he's that way around his male friends too, his family and even his parents! undecided undecided

Like you suggested, sometimes I let him have his way and sometimes I don't. But whenever I don't he sees it as a huge disrespect and never misses an opportunity to remind me of it! undecided undecided
The bolded is enough for you to know that he's just a control freak. My way or the highway man. Shine your eye o
Re: How Do You Deal With A Close-minded Spouse? by Nobody: 1:31pm On Dec 10, 2010
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Re: How Do You Deal With A Close-minded Spouse? by jay bee(m): 1:38pm On Dec 10, 2010
Ujujoan:


I can handle the ego of an ordinary man, but this is waaaay beyond it! A man shouldnt feel the need to control a woman just because he's the man! undecided
Then I'm afraid you are not yet ready to get married. Most men have ego problem (Me Included) and reason for this can be explained by our cultural beliefs and whatnot.
You are also talking about 2 different things entirely. Being close minded doesn't necessarily equate to being controlling.
I could be close minded but still allow you freedom to choose whatever rocks your boat as long as it doesn't affect me.
Re: How Do You Deal With A Close-minded Spouse? by MRbrownJAY(m): 1:40pm On Dec 10, 2010
@Uju
yep you're right. . . . . . . .  as i said, he should be able to tell you straight up that he wont get what you want,and give you a clear reason why(so you dont make the mistake of asking such extravagant gift again lol).

what you have to understand is that:
whatever you do while dating is an indication of whats to come, IF you guys get married, so he is just putting his foot down on all these "demands" and especially your belief that he should buy everything you demand.
Re: How Do You Deal With A Close-minded Spouse? by Ninapha(f): 1:56pm On Dec 10, 2010
jay bee:

Then I'm afraid you are not yet ready to get married. Most men have ego problem (Me Included) and reason for this can be explained by our cultural beliefs and whatnot.
You are also talking about 2 different things entirely. Being close minded doesn't necessarily equate to being controlling.
I could be close minded but still allow you freedom to choose whatever rocks your boat as long as it doesn't affect me.



Men would most times tell u the truth about their attitudes and believe me Jay bee and MBJ are saying it the way it is. I still insist you check your inner strenght cos it wont get better in marriage. This is this man and u either accept him and work how to cope or walk out, else u will be more fraustrated in marriage.

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