The amount of change depends too on the kind of life you have been living.
Sometimes women who have became established find it hard to concede to a man who is on their level.
That is the plain truth.
IF she had been younger the change may have come easier and she would not have needed to change much.
She has to let the man assume his role in the relationship, that she can only do by stepping down.and assuming the female role.

--

Ujujoan, if you love this man, why do you not let him assume his natural role of being a protector and provider?
This is an instinct that is inbuilt.
Your own instinct of being self sufficient is an acquired one.
When I was about to get married my cousin/male whom I was so close to invited me out for a drink and he asked me if i knew what was the most important thing in a marriage.
I tipped on many things like Love, trust etc.
But he cleared me up as a male.
He said a man has to be like a lion in his den, when e comes home. He needs to feel like a King at home. The world is so hard struggling to strive out there and having to take allot of blows, a man just needs to be able to come home and tank on self esteem.
Men need their self esteem and confidence to survive in the world.
Have you helped him in living out this natural urge with your actions?
A woman needs to be protected and loved and respected, I do not think he has failed you there.
Certainly he is overdoing it at the moment but that is natural. We  humans tend to be over zealous initially but with time that subsides.
And I believe that this quality he has is going to be a great assert to his kids.
Many men do not bother about details and when they have kids they are hardly involved in the daily affairs. From the sound of it, this man is going to be a very concerned and caring father.

---

mutter:

Ujujoan, if you love this man, why do you not let him assume his natural role of being a protector and provider?
This is an instinct that is inbuilt.
Your own instinct of being self sufficient is an acquired one.
When I was about to get married my cousin/male whom I was so close to invited me out for a drink and he asked me if i knew what was the most important thing in a marriage.
I tipped on many things like Love, trust etc.
But he cleared me up as a male.
He said a man has to be like a lion in his den, when e comes home. He needs to feel like a King at home. The world is so hard struggling to strive out there and having to take allot of blows, a man just needs to be able to come home and tank on self esteem.
Men need their self esteem and confidence to survive in the world.
Have you helped him in living out this natural urge with your actions?
A woman needs to be protected and loved and respected, I do not think he has failed you there.
Certainly he is overdoing it at the moment but that is natural. We humans tend to be over zealous initially but with time that subsides.
And I believe that this quality he has is going to be a great assert to his kids.
Many men do not bother about details and when they have kids they are hardly involved in the daily affairs. From the sound of it, this man is going to be a very concerned and caring father.

Okay, I get your point now. Thanks!

@ujujoan
were you serious about the smashing the bottle then and there thingy?

[size=5pt]me i'm just bookmarking this thread so i can follow the gist [/size]

^^^
Lmao

I didn't actually do it. But I could very easily have done it with the kind of temprament I used to have!   

I've done something worse before sef!   

mutter:

Ujujoan,
let me give you one advise you would do well to take to heart.
Most women say allot of things but what happens on their home front is totally different.
This " I can never take it, " it`s all lies, sometimes unconscious lies, Most women take allot of poo.
You know all these things you have written so far, I cannot fault this man in any way.
Look at it this way- are two not to be one. So why do you not let him pick the tyres just because you are the one driving the car.
My husband is that way. He takes allot of decisions that, I sometimes felt, should actually not interest him. Sometimes it is something so trivial like the soap we use, or he insists on not replacing the dishwasher. Sometimes one would thing he is totally in control. However with many real important things he gives me my freedom to do it my way.
Well what I did  is when I know he would say no, I just go ahead and buy it without telling him first. When he asked I would tell him I mentioned it, but he was probably not listening to me as usual. After sometime he confronted me, on this tactic and I told him, I knew I could not do it when he said no, so I decided to opt for the lesser evil of doing it without telling him. I turned the tables on him telling him he had instilled so much fear in me that I had to go sneaking behind his back like a child. Well I got what I wanted without hurting his ego. Over the years it has became easier.
I realised that we women sometimes take men so seriously. I hardly get into arguments again because I avoid serious confrontation but mostly use teasing and laughter to get my way- When he gets angry, I hug him and tell him how much I live him and make jokes about it. Later on when tempers are calmed we can talk it out.
You need to learn the secret of moving a man to think that your decisions are his. You need to learn to succumb sometimes. In a relationship compromise is the key word. There are things we compromise and a few we don`t. Words are very powerful and when you learn to speak his language, communicate on his level, he will lean to listen.
You have a caring man wanting to change your tyres. You did not accept that offer? You hurt him with what you did. Letting him know you can handle it. The tyres he wanted, would have done it too.
Certainly women have a better intuition than men but a woman needs to let a man take decisions and also stand by him when the mistakes are made.
I believe that when this man realises that you also respect his opinion, then he will relax.
By he time you accept some of his ideas, I am sure that when you tell him I know you are right but I would love to have it this way, he would not have anything against it.
So what you need to do now, is to apologise to him, for having slighted him.
You might be loosing a good man for nothing.
I know it is hard when one has been independent, to adjust to a man, but you can learn to do so. Men are like children in many ways and when you understand that, you can cope better. When you really love, you can find it easier to make compromises.

Honestly mutter, i love this advice cos most problems we face in marriage are as  result of power tussel. As much as I agree we all have right somewhat yet the man will always be the man, the more reason we expect them to act to their positions in so many difficult situations in the family.  I will also re-emphasis that Uju should check her strenght since she is still not married to the man.  

Dont marry whom u cant tolerate. QED! Learn how to leave with his excess or walk out.

Your spouse can never be, think or behave exactly like you particularly if you guys are very new in the game of marriage. its easier to deal with any individual but not your spouse. it is a moment where yours lives is being adjusted to accommodate the other.
The bible says WISDOM IS ,PROFITABLE TO DIRECT.
Only ask God to give you the wisdom to deal with whatever situation or behaviour of his because you cannot change his person by getting angry or being bitter about it.
The bible says that the heart of a king is in God hands and he knows how to turn it, therefore get down on your knee and you will get good result and triumph all way up.
All the best

Can I throw a pebble in the pond,
You are lukcy, lots of women , married women are yearning for their husband to take care of them, worry about the details, so that they can look dumb and appear pretty.

Trust me, that self sufficient feminism blab is very much overrated, its tiring and most women are not wired to handle it for the long haul.

You don't want a man that is timid, will not fight to have his way, not interested in the details, gives you a airy fairy direction without attention and appreciation of what it takes to execute. Trust me, you don't want to be in that boat. You don't want a man that tells you whats the big deal in changing a tire, you can do it, my mother used to do it. Would you prefer that, over somehow that wants to care for you.

One of my friends told me the other day she has all tei scertificates and she is sitting at home caring for her kids, I told her she better appreciate what she got and not take it for granted.

Shoo, let him do it oooo, you'll see it will dwindle as time passes. If you can't handle it though, you will frustrate the man and he will feel he is not good enough for you.

Take this from someone who was and who is still fiercely independent with lots of energy and ambition and who has been married for 7 years going on 8.

As far as he is not violent nor abusive and he doesn't talk down on you as if you are useless.

A "controlling man" is better and more manageable than a "lethargic" man.

Avoid them. They are not a good fit for you. Close-minded, domineering 'African' men should marry submissive ladies. Modern, progressive men should marry modern, progressive ladies. Don't try to fit a square peg in a round hole; there are many more fish in the ocean.

Personally, I have never been the type given to making demands on a guy, what type of phone I want, clothes I desire, cars i wish to ride, e.t.c. because I hate the feeling of not been able to cater for my own needs. If I need a phone & my guy knows I need a phone & we discuss on the issue & he feels like buying me a phone (not on my request) I see it as a gift even when I know he bought what he felt is good for me, I can still go ahead to buy what I desire. Period. If actually he's the controlling type, he is sure to flare up & tell u that u r not appreciative but sincerely he knows and knew what I wanted. The problem with us ladies most times is that we see a guy we are dating as a means to meet our needs. Personally, I cannot tolerate a domineering guy who thinks he's always right. Nope! I won't!! I got educated on parent's money to be able to make decisions that affects me positively and I should still have that freedom whether in marriage or outside it. The best marriages have always been the one where the couple sits down to deliberate on issues & come to a conclusive conclusion as per whats right & wrong for the betterment of the family. Whats the need for family when my husband is King Kong? Please save me the agony!
If he is manipulative & domineering now, he'll be worse when u guys are married so sister, its ur decision to take a walk if u can't be "patient"

chaircover:

. . . . . .or once in a while when he least expects it, throw a tantrum and throw all your toys out of the pram. That will give him a taste of the kind of person that you are and will caution him from taking you for granted all the time.

[s]Disclaimer – This is not the best way around this issue and can backfire.[/s]   

LOL!!

mutter:

Ujujoan,
let me give you one advise you would do well to take to heart.
Most women say allot of things but what happens on their home front is totally different.
This " I can never take it, " it`s all lies, sometimes unconscious lies, Most women take allot of poo.
You know all these things you have written so far, I cannot fault this man in any way.
Look at it this way- are two not to be one. So why do you not let him pick the tyres just because you are the one driving the car.
My husband is that way. He takes allot of decisions that, I sometimes felt, should actually not interest him. Sometimes it is something so trivial like the soap we use, or he insists on not replacing the dishwasher. Sometimes one would thing he is totally in control. However with many real important things he gives me my freedom to do it my way.
Well what I did  is when I know he would say no, I just go ahead and buy it without telling him first. When he asked I would tell him I mentioned it, but he was probably not listening to me as usual. After sometime he confronted me, on this tactic and I told him, I knew I could not do it when he said no, so I decided to opt for the lesser evil of doing it without telling him. I turned the tables on him telling him he had instilled so much fear in me that I had to go sneaking behind his back like a child. Well I got what I wanted without hurting his ego. Over the years it has became easier.
I realised that we women sometimes take men so seriously. I hardly get into arguments again because I avoid serious confrontation but mostly use teasing and laughter to get my way- When he gets angry, I hug him and tell him how much I live him and make jokes about it. Later on when tempers are calmed we can talk it out.
You need to learn the secret of moving a man to think that your decisions are his. You need to learn to succumb sometimes. In a relationship compromise is the key word. There are things we compromise and a few we don`t. Words are very powerful and when you learn to speak his language, communicate on his level, he will lean to listen.
You have a caring man wanting to change your tyres. You did not accept that offer? You hurt him with what you did. Letting him know you can handle it. The tyres he wanted, would have done it too.
Certainly women have a better intuition than men but a woman needs to let a man take decisions and also stand by him when the mistakes are made.
I believe that when this man realises that you also respect his opinion, then he will relax.
By he time you accept some of his ideas, I am sure that when you tell him I know you are right but I would love to have it this way, he would not have anything against it.
So what you need to do now, is to apologise to him, for having slighted him.
You might be loosing a good man for nothing.
I know it is hard when one has been independent, to adjust to a man, but you can learn to do so. Men are like children in many ways and when you understand that, you can cope better. When you really love, you can find it easier to make compromises.

This is a woman na. Ah Ah. May God increase your wisdom. This is a wife. Highly matured. This is better than one other lady advising the poster should jet out.
@ poster. I have nothing to say. This lady has given you the best advise.

Seun:

Avoid them.  They are not a good fit for you.  Close-minded, domineering 'African' men should marry submissive ladies.  [b]Modern, progressive men [/b]should marry modern, progressive ladies.  Don't try to fit a square peg in a round hole; there are many more fish in the ocean.

seun, tell us which one you be. . .

@ mutter;ma'm i like u already,u are filled with wisdom.God bless ur heart.


@ujujoan;my dear,concentrate on his strenghts and see if u can tolerate his controlling attitude,if u truely love him.am sure there are things about u he might not really like but is tolerating.all d best

From reading almost all the replies to this question, I reckon it depends A LOT on your personality and how you've been brought up.
If you're a fiercely independent person as you come across as to be, then CC's answers may just be right for you.
If you have a whole lot of patience, and you're willing to "put up" with your partner, then Mutter's will do just fine for you.
That doesn't mean that if you're independent, you can't go along with Mutter's or vice versa.
This is a very touchy subject and as much as you'll get advise from everyone, you yourself know what to do. The answers here can only guide you, but you've got to do what you've got to do and you probably know it already.

Seun:

Avoid them.  They are not a good fit for you.  Close-minded, domineering 'African' men should marry submissive ladies.  Modern, progressive men should marry modern, progressive ladies.  Don't try to fit a square peg in a round hole; there are many more fish in the ocean.

Seun, the type of 'fish' Uju wants are now very very scarce in the ocean, and 99% of them already have many hooks on their necks. I think this man already scored above 70% on Uju's checklist  

I will rather advice Uju to reshape her peg to fit into the man's hole, and what she cannot change, she should use wisdom to deal with - Let her take some decisions but make the man feel he is responsible as Mutter advised.

yodiyokun, I could just give you a hug!!!
It is clear that you are a real emancipated woman. Emancipated enough to appreciate being treated as a woman.
And you certainly are right, on the long haul things change. I remember the first car I bought when dating. I picked it without consulting my husband. By the time we were married we both went looking out for a car together. The last car we bought, I was not even in the mood to go looking, I did not care about anything, even when he brought home the car I could not even be bothered to go down and look at it immediately. Just looked out of the window and said it was okay.
Bukittes you can learn from yodiyokins words, I would advice you to learn them like a little prayer and keep repeating it to yourself.
You crave to be emancipated but are not yet there. After years of marriage, with kids and responsibilities do you want to hold a conference over every trivial issue?
I think you insult Uju by saying that women see guys as a means to fulfil their needs. I did not access her for one moment in such a way. She seems totally independent , just a little scared of getting caged in.
Are you educated enough to appreciate the real role of a woman. Do you know that equality is actually detrimental to women in some cases.
This emancipation thing !! Some women enslave themselves without even knowing it.
We work hard, come home do the house chores, have children etc. Then take on the typical men`s chores. That is over tasking. All because we want to prove to one man that we are equal. That is stupidity.
Let my husband think he is King kong, so far he does the work assigned to King kong.
The other day I asked my husband to give one of the children's room a fresh coat of paint and he told me I could do it myself. Women in Europe do such things with great pleasure. I told him I was an African woman and not emancipated, he should please do it himself. Fancy trying to transfer the workload on me. I would have been a fool to fall for that cheap bait.
When my car breaks down, I step out and make my way home, the rest is left to him. The other day he commented that I just step into my car, turn the key and drive off, not caring about any checks, not even petrol. I blew him a kiss and told him that`s why I married him. How stupid can one get. Take care of the kids, cook etc and then also doing the man`s job.
Even when I make stupid mistakes and he wants to blame me, I turn the tables and blame him. He is the man, the wiser one, he should have guided me right, that is his duty as my husband. The poor man just scratches his head at a complete loss of words.
An emancipated woman knows how to appreciate her qualities as a woman and make use of them to make life easier for her.
What a wonderful feeling it is to think to ones self, " let him come back and take care of it, he is the man,"
When the kids get older to be able to say,"sorry papa`s words are final, clear it with him." You can even play at being real sympathetic, "okay I will try and talk to him,"
That for me is true emancipation. Emancipated from over work ad over stress at the home front.

mutter:

yodiyokun, I could just give you a hug!!!
It is clear that you are a real emancipated woman. Emancipated enough to appreciate being treated as a woman.
And you certainly are right, on the long haul things change. I remember the first car I bought when dating. I picked it without consulting my husband. By the time we were married we both went looking out for a car together. The last car we bought, I was not even in the mood to go looking, I did not care about anything, even when he brought home the car I could not even be bothered to go down and look at it immediately. Just looked out of the window and said it was okay.
Bukittes you can learn from yodiyokins words, I would advice you to learn them like a little prayer and keep repeating it to yourself.
You crave to be emancipated but are not yet there. After years of marriage, with kids and responsibilities do you want to hold a conference over every trivial issue?
I think you insult Uju by saying that women see guys as a means to fulfil their needs. I did not access her for one moment in such a way. She seems totally independent , just a little scared of getting caged in.
Are you educated enough to appreciate the real role of a woman. Do you know that equality is actually detrimental to women in some cases.
This emancipation thing !! Some women enslave themselves without even knowing it.
We work hard, come home do the house chores, have children etc. Then take on the typical men`s chores. That is over tasking. All because we want to prove to one man that we are equal. That is stupidity.
Let my husband think he is King kong, so far he does the work assigned to King kong.
[b]The other day I asked my husband to give one of the children's room a fresh coat of paint and he told me I could do it myself. Women in Europe do such things with great pleasure. I told him I was an African woman and not emancipated, he should please do it himself. Fancy trying to transfer the workload on me. I would have been a fool to fall for that cheap bait.
When my car breaks down, I step out and make my way home, the rest is left to him. The other day he commented that I just step into my car, turn the key and drive off, not caring about any checks, not even petrol. I blew him a kiss and told him that`s why I married him. How silly can one get. Take care of the kids, cook etc and then also doing the man`s job.
[/b]Even when I make silly mistakes and he wants to blame me, I turn the tables and blame him. He is the man, the wiser one, he should have guided me right, that is his duty as my husband. The poor man just scratches his head at a complete loss of words.
An emancipated woman knows how to appreciate her qualities as a woman and make use of them to make life easier for her.
What a wonderful feeling it is to think to ones self, " let him come back and take care of it, he is the man,"
When the kids get older to be able to say,"sorry papa`s words are final, clear it with him." You can even play at being real sympathetic, "okay I will try and talk to him,"
That for me is true emancipation. Emancipated from over work ad over stress at the home front.

you're mean o. . .rotflmao

I may be wrong but you mentioned some things that are familiar in some way. I suggest you check out this thread https://www.nairaland.com/nigeria/topic-566323.99999.html#bot. I created the thread to foster conversation about something I have personally experienced and seen people who are in the same situations but could never get the whole picture.

---

Bukittes:

Personally, I have never been the type given to making demands on a guy, what type of phone I want, clothes I desire, cars i wish to ride, e.t.c. because I hate the feeling of not been able to cater for my own needs. If I need a phone & my guy knows I need a phone & we discuss on the issue & he feels like buying me a phone (not on my request) I see it as a gift even when I know he bought what he felt is good for me, I can still go ahead to buy what I desire. Period. If actually he's the controlling type, he is sure to flare up & tell u that u r not appreciative but sincerely he knows and knew what I wanted. The problem with us ladies most times is that we see a guy we are dating as a means to meet our needs. Personally, I cannot tolerate a domineering guy who thinks he's always right. Nope! I won't!! I got educated on parent's money to be able to make decisions that affects me positively and I should still have that freedom whether in marriage or outside it. The best marriages have always been the one where the couple sits down to deliberate on issues & come to a conclusive conclusion as per whats right & wrong for the betterment of the family. Whats the need for family when my husband is King Kong? Please save me the agony!
If he is manipulative & domineering now, he'll be worse when u guys are married so sister, its your decision to take a walk if u can't be "patient"

You are funny. This is not about money really, cos I can hold my own and he knows it. He doesn't 'cater' for my needs in any way! I try to avoid conflict with him as much as possible because I think haggling over every little detail is beneath me, both of us!

I guess part of my problem is the fact that I've recognized his weakness - attributes that have brought him down in the past. I realize I can do better, or rather, my input could help him improve. As 'fate' would have it, where he falls short is where I excel. I just need a way to make him see that . . . . Because if we are going to end up together, I'm not going to sit back and watch him make the same mistakes all over again!!

@uju.joan

have u ever met any closed minded person ?

Ujujoan:

You are funny. This is not about money really, cos I can hold my own and he knows it. He doesn't 'cater' for my needs in any way! I try to avoid conflict with him as much as possible because I think haggling over every little detail is beneath me, both of us!

I guess part of my problem is the fact that I've recognized his weakness - attributes that have brought him down in the past. I realize I can do better, or rather, my input could help him improve. As 'fate' would have it, where he falls short is where I excel. I just need a way to make him see that . . . . Because if we are going to end up together, I'm not going to sit back and watch him make the same mistakes all over again!!

na beg i dey beg you o. . .dont ever mention anything closely resembling the above to the guy(or any guy). . .it'll bring you a world of trouble

i remember one short Arrow telling me that. . .kai. . .the way i dropped her ehn. . .you'd think she was super-heated. . .*hiss*

mutter:

yodiyokun, I could just give you a hug!!!
It is clear that you are a real emancipated woman. Emancipated enough to appreciate being treated as a woman.
And you certainly are right, on the long haul things change. I remember the first car I bought when dating. I picked it without consulting my husband. By the time we were married we both went looking out for a car together. The last car we bought, I was not even in the mood to go looking, I did not care about anything, even when he brought home the car I could not even be bothered to go down and look at it immediately. Just looked out of the window and said it was okay.
Bukittes you can learn from yodiyokins words, I would advice you to learn them like a little prayer and keep repeating it to yourself.
You crave to be emancipated but are not yet there. After years of marriage, with kids and responsibilities do you want to hold a conference over every trivial issue?
I think you insult Uju by saying that women see guys as a means to fulfil their needs. I did not access her for one moment in such a way. She seems totally independent , just a little scared of getting caged in.
Are you educated enough to appreciate the real role of a woman. Do you know that equality is actually detrimental to women in some cases.
This emancipation thing !! Some women enslave themselves without even knowing it.
We work hard, come home do the house chores, have children etc. Then take on the typical men`s chores. That is over tasking. All because we want to prove to one man that we are equal. That is stupidity.
Let my husband think he is King kong, so far he does the work assigned to King kong.
The other day I asked my husband to give one of the children's room a fresh coat of paint and he told me I could do it myself. Women in Europe do such things with great pleasure. I told him I was an African woman and not emancipated, he should please do it himself. Fancy trying to transfer the workload on me. I would have been a fool to fall for that cheap bait.
When my car breaks down, I step out and make my way home, the rest is left to him. The other day he commented that I just step into my car, turn the key and drive off, not caring about any checks, not even petrol. I blew him a kiss and told him that`s why I married him. How silly can one get. Take care of the kids, cook etc and then also doing the man`s job.
Even when I make silly mistakes and he wants to blame me, I turn the tables and blame him. He is the man, the wiser one, he should have guided me right, that is his duty as my husband. The poor man just scratches his head at a complete loss of words.
An emancipated woman knows how to appreciate her qualities as a woman and make use of them to make life easier for her.
What a wonderful feeling it is to think to ones self, " let him come back and take care of it, he is the man,"
When the kids get older to be able to say,"sorry papa`s words are final, clear it with him." You can even play at being real sympathetic, "okay I will try and talk to him,"
That for me is true emancipation. Emancipated from over work ad over stress at the home front.

Chei! with this attitude, the man go just dey sign any amount you put on his cheques while he brags he is in charge.  

--

babasoty:

@uju.joan

have u ever met any closed minded person ?

ROTFLMAO

Yes . . . . . plenty! _{*you know who*}

@uju

U still haven't answered my question oooo----Ha ve u ever come across any close-minded person ?

Ujujoan:

I guess you are right. . . .  I couldn't live with a weak man either; one who answers 'yes' to every thing I say, but I particularly want to be heard too. For me, being 'controlling' is not even that bad, I just need him to consider an alternative point of view . . . sometimes!

   

Dont worry he will consider your alternative point of view sometimes. In the meantime, pls take him to Daddy and get us a date, may be my coming home will tally with the date, at least I want to see the multimillionaire whose money you are about to miscalculate.

netotse:

na beg i dey beg you o. . .dont ever mention anything closely resembling the above to the guy(or any guy). . .it'll bring you a world of trouble

i remember one short Arrow telling me that. . .kai. . .the way i dropped her ehn. . .you'd think she was super-heated. . .*hiss*

So you are saying that a man should be all-knowing? There's no way you know EVERYTHING for christ sakes.    

Yes . . . . . plenty! *you know who*

me know ? , don't know----so who is this person?