Hello NL, I need honest and serious people to advice me on what I am going through right now. My mother in law has been living with my family, I usually have quarrels with her especially related to argument or quarrel with my wife. B4 marriage, myself and my wife had agreed that no family member will live with us especially her mum, who hated me during my courtship with my wife cos am not an Igbo man. Though presently I dnt see the hatred anymore, but I feel with her in my house my privacy is taken away frm me and over familiarity is making us loose respect for each other. I have tried many times to make my wife persuade her mum tp leave to no avail. its been over 5 years now that she's been with us.
Eventually my last quarrel with my mother in law made me to leave my home start sleeping in the office and I told my wife to let me knw when her mum has moved out otherwise I will not come back home. Its been 4days now and my wife never called, never text, evrything is just silent. It seems I will be spending xmas and new year in my office. What do I do, hope i took the right action? Please dont make a joke of this, its a serious issue dt i need people's advice on. Thanks!

You need to go back home and try to keep the peace if you value your marriage.
Try to be civil as much as possible since it is obvious your MIL is not leaving anytime soon.
This situation can end your marriage if you are not careful.
How can you spend the Xmas and the New Year in your office?

No, you have to go back home. You did not make the right decision.
If the reverse were the case, you would have expected your wife to keep the peace with your mom.
The choice is yours or get a divorce. This is no way to live in a marriage.
Your wife may be sowing seeds of discords in your marriage, but you will only make matters worse by your actions.
You may not like your MIL, but you must respect her. She is your wife's mother.


Women are extremely complicated creatures.
The way to deal with them is to make them feel relaxed around you despite their evil machinations.
You should not threaten your wife, because you would force her to choose between you and her mother.
You can never have privacy in your home because your MIL has been in it for 5 years and is now part of the family like it or not.
You should never have allowed her to live with you in the first place.
Now, your wife is used to having her around like a room mate or a best friend.
Too late.

@Blazay, thanks for your contribution. I dnt feel comfortable looking her in the eyes again. I just hope she leaves b4 I get back home and I will reconcile with her afterwards. Am not comfortable with her in my home, I feel she is influencing and ganging up with my wife. Actually I discovered my wife was having a relationship, she admitted but claimed the guy was just toasting her. He pays visit to her at shop and calls her regularly. I insisted tht my wife shld nt having anything doing with the man anymore. After a while I caught her on phone with him for close to 30mins. It looked like a sweet conversation, cos my wife was smiling and stood away frm her shop and pple. She didnt see me though. I went home and when she got home I checked her phone but she has deleted the call. I quaried her and after some denials she admitted and claimed she deleted the call cos she doesnt want me 2 knw she talked with the man, dt it was biz they were discussing. Next day she said her phone is missing, and started using her mum's. Now I wnt knw whos's call is coming in, my wife or her mum's. I saw some strange number that called very early on sunday morning. It was a misscal and both of them were nt in. When my wife came back i asked her who it was, she said she doesnt knw d man. When d mother came, she claimed to knw him.
Now our last quarel was dt my cousin called, he cldnt get to my number so he called d 1 my wife used to call him, it now happened to be with her mum cos she now has her own phone. My cousin tld her to ask me to call him. When she tld me, I asked her to let me see the number my cousin use to call her so I can call that same number, she refused saying afterall i shld hav d number. When I insisted she said she cant give her phone to me. I felt embarrassed, and that action made me feel there's something strange she cld be hiding.

^^^

If you think your wife will live peacefully with you after her mom leaves on a bad note, think again.
You have to go back home, swallow your pride and act like nothing happened.
You are a man. Do not give into women and their pettiness.
Ignore them and keep the peace.
Use a lot of humor and don't come of as threatening or arrogant.
You goal is to win her to your side and to start treating you like her own son.
Or, you can kiss your marriage good bye.

Women are extremely complicated emotional creatures that should be handled with a lot of care and wisdom.
Your MIL has been living with you for 5 years and your wife is used to having her as a companion and best friend.
Too late. Your MIL should never have moved in with you in the first place.
All you can do now is 'damage control'.
Your only other option is to end your marriage.
You have to accept the total package or get a divorce.

You should never threaten your wife to choose btw you and her mother. As it is now, she has chosen her mother.
It only gets worse. You would have to sacrifice your privacy for peace.

If you suspect your wife of having an affair. . . you may have more problems on your hands besides your MIL. Your marriage is very complicated.
That is why you should be a man and take control of your home or kiss it goodbye. The ball is in your court. You need to make some decisions and stick by them.

@Blazay. thanks a lot! I appreciate ur contribution. Sounds good, though difficult to swallow. But I knw gd advices are always like that. Hoping more people will respond and am willing to give in to popular opinion.

^^^
No need to wait for a 'popular' opinion to make a decision.
You are the one married to your wife. . . not NL.
MOST on NL are single and will not be in your shoes.
If you do not take control of your home, you might just join them on Face Book of recycled jilted, lovers and miserable divorcees.
Goodluck.

Guy I can feel you. I want to advise that you should go back home. You are the Head of that house and nobody, I say again, nobody or nothing should displaced you from that house. You pay the rent and brought the wife in. I have been in your shoe. I don't know your religious orientation but one thing you should do is Love the Woman. If you claim to love your wife, you must love everything that surrounds your wife. Please Read Matthew 6 & 7 about relationships with people that hate you!

However, you should ensure that there are no opportunity to discuss anything with your M-I that could lead to argument. As you return home, buy gifts for your wife and M-I but have in mind that she may not still like you. Of what profit will it be if you love those that love you, says the scripture

u need to read a book by myles munroe: understanding the power and purpose of women.
this book will show you how to change your wife.

you need to change your attitude to alot of things, just try to neglect your wife and your MIL, do the necessary things you must do in the house, talk to her when you have to but pretend not to see those thing she and her mum does that get you crazy. dont answer her when she says stupid stuff, make a joke or jess out everything that bites you. never say an instruction more than once. its your home, you are the CEO of that house, she is just the manager. if she disobey you just make a note of it and let it be.

Cut down on the number of time you eat at home, infact eat her food only when she is behaving well and show your displeasure by staying away from her food, playing with her, touching her and any other thing you normally do. better hide your face behind a book not a drinking joint. then if you are not given to prayer then try to pray about it all.

She will just realise that she has messed up and she will end up putting her mum in line too.

THAT YOU LOSE CONTROL OF YOUR HOME IS BECAUSE YOU ARE NOT IN CONTROL OF YOURSELF.

a song says" you dont need to fight to be a man". show authority.

@scud and switosman, thanks! Points noted.

MIL leaving wt u 4 5yrs? Wife emotionally involved wt anoda man? U left home n dem no send u? Bruv, yawa go gas u if u no take DRASTIC action. Anyways, my ways of handling issues fit diff frm u.

Guy, return base sharp-sharp. Apply d quote that says "those who make peaceful change difficult, make KASALA inevitable". no send anybody cos u av a marriage 2 protect n make it work.

However, I see a gang-up btw d 2 women in ur hse. Dat combination na D.I.E. U go apply wisdom. If nid b, invite ur own mama come d hse. Shuo, u leave hse wey u dey pay rent ontop wetin?

I'm sorry to say this but really you're in a real bad situation.

Your wife is apparently cheating on you and has her mother's backing

I'm not sure that marriage will last. You left the house and they both see that as good riddance. Another shocker.

Someone said you shouldn't eat her food all the time. I say you shouldn't eat her food at all! She and her mother are evil and can plot to get rid of you if you're not careful. Do you have children in the marriage? Do you love your wife enough to cope with her infidelity and remain married to her?

Ask yourself some of these basic questions, pray real hard about the whole thing but I won't be so keen on saying you should go back to live with those two women.

zayhal:

I'm sorry to say this but really you're in a real bad situation.

Your wife is apparently cheating on you and has her mother's backing

I'm not sure that marriage will last. You left the house and they both see that as good riddance. Another shocker.

Someone said you shouldn't eat her food all the time. I say you shouldn't eat her food at all! She and her mother are evil and can plot to get rid of you if you're not careful. Do you have children in the marriage? Do you love your wife enough to cope with her infidelity and remain married to her?

Ask yourself some of these basic questions, pray real hard about the whole thing but I won't be so keen on saying you should go back to live with those two women.

Gbam. And of course the Mum never liked him from the start too They agreed not to have any relative over and for the past 5 years, the wifey has been flouting her legal vows and to add insult to injury, the trespasser is colluding with her daughter to cheat on him too, chei

switosman:

u need to read a book by myles munroe: understanding the power and purpose of women.
this book will show you how to change your wife.

you need to change your attitude to alot of things, just try to neglect your wife and your MIL, do the necessary things you must do in the house, talk to her when you have to but pretend not to see those thing she and her mum does that get you crazy. dont answer her when she says silly stuff, make a joke or jess out everything that bites you. never say an instruction more than once. its your home, you are the CEO of that house, she is just the manager. if she disobey you just make a note of it and let it be.

Cut down on the number of time you eat at home, infact eat her food only when she is behaving well and show your displeasure by staying away from her food, playing with her, touching her and any other thing you normally do. better hide your face behind a book not a drinking joint. then if you are not given to prayer then try to pray about it all.

She will just realise that she has messed up and she will end up putting her mum in line too.

THAT YOU LOSE CONTROL OF YOUR HOME IS BECAUSE YOU ARE NOT IN CONTROL OF YOURSELF.

a song says" you dont need to fight to be a man". show authority.

Unless you want to go for an outright divorce, try this method posted by switosman, one of you would have to budge and if she realises that you no send am, it is highly likely to make her sit up.

Do you have a mother?
This is the time to invite her to stay with you.
Look just fill the house with your relations and let the battle begin.
This woman you call your wife does not give a damn about you.
How can she let you sleep in the office?
Don`t be a fool, find yourself a woman that appreciates you.

A-hem!
Husband snatcher on the prowl.
The man has not solved one problem, here comes another one.
Women and their issues I tellya.
These are the kinds of women men should not befriend or marry.
Only to make matters worse. . .Jezebels!!!


Ol' boy. . .here comes the 'popular' opinion you were asking for o!

Let`s not deceive this man.
How can a man have to run away from his own home?
And the woman dating another man.
Just all too ridiculous.
Let him get himself a real wife.

^^^

Please, you are giving the man a piece of bad advice.
He has not solved one problem you are now asking him to get a real wife without solving problem #1 first.
Please, getting a real wife is not the solution but fixing the one he married.
The next one might even be more psycho.
I would rather you tell him to get his life together first than jumping into another marriage with another psycho-biatch out there.

Please, stop distracting him and let him work on his marriage.
If you were a married female yourself with your mother in your home, I doubt you would have such views.

The reason married folk should NEVER listen to advice from single people. . .ESPECIALLY single women.

Some things cannot be fixed.
This woman has no love or regard for her husband.
As far as I am concerned there is nothing to fix.
Sometimes you fix and sometimes you replace.

^^^
Yes. . .thank you.
I would rather he repaired that marriage than jump into another relationship with an unsympathetic person like you.
Somethings are not fixable indeed. How would you know?
Please, the fact that some of you sucked at it does not mean everyone has to.
Like marriage is a 5 year venture?
You should be encouraging them. . .not discouraging them.


Please, if you are not married, do not participate in marriage palava. . .especially in a thread with a man's palava in it.
Thank you!

As a father and the man of the house you should return immediately to your house.
Honestly sit your wife down and have a heart to heart discussion with her concerning your mother in law.
From what she says you should know the next line of action,they should be the ones sleeping outside and not you.

Sorry to ask, does your mother in law have a husband considering she had stayed with you for 5years?

How old is she MIL, does she have a husband and a home if yes to these, Sit ur wife and discuss heart to heart with ur wife. Let her see reason why her mother must leave and go back to her family she has left for 5yrs! Now if no is ur answer to those questions, that mean u need to get ur MIL a house to stay make a good arrangement for her upkeeping allowances. She is ur wife's mother As per ur wife infidelity(suspect) becareful u know her than us try to relate all her past history. That will give u insight on the matter. Home is just like human being, it got sick and u need to diagonice the sickness and take medicines and with time we get well. So mend the crack in ur home fast, pick up ur self and go back home show love to Efiri body pls put back ur home, home is all about fixing up one thing or the other, pls ask others they all ve stories to tell u abo oro lanso fun omoluabi to ba de inu e a di odidi(a word is enough for the wise)

5 what
You must be a rare gem?I love my mum so much but cant even begin to imagine having her living with me in my husbands house for 1 year at a stretch?
@OP,GO back home,running away from a problem does not solve it.Talk with ur wife pls and let her see reasons why her mum cannot stay permanently in ur place.If after that ur wife cannot ask her mum to leave,pls have a talk with the Woman herself and ask her as nice as u can be to leave.
BTWN,is ur FIL dead?Is ur wife the only child?If after u try talking with ur wife and mil and it does not yield any positive result,pls call the next closest person in their family to come and pick her up. which kain wahala be dis sef
Do u have kids?As per ur suspicions,keep that within u first,its normal considering whats going on in ur home to have such assumptions so i wud say,take that off ur head for now,focus on getting back ur home in order.

@baylaz I agree with muter that woman does not love her husband how can she allow her husband to sleep outside for 4days i personal will rather rent a house with househelp for my mum dan allow her stay in my home with me she should put her self in her husband shoe anybody my husband does not want with a good reason i don't want as well stop advising the man to be stupid

^^^
Too late for all that. The MIL is now part of the family and cannot be sent away without major problems btw husband and wife. The wife did not push him out of the house, so no need to blame the wife. That is what I expect from a woman . . .not a man fleaing his home for 2 women. I would have done no such thing. By the time I finished with both of them. . .I would have them both eating from my palms.

He needs to go back home and salvage his marriage or call it quits. Getting involved with another female is the least of the solutions right now. . .especially a desperate female who will give him the worst piece of advice to get herself a man at all cost. Beware of beetches and weetches!

mutter:

Some things cannot be fixed.
This woman has no love or regard for her husband.
As far as I am concerned there is nothing to fix.
Sometimes you fix and sometimes you replace.

@ poster

Don't you have a mother or a female relative that can move in with you?

I suggest you inviter her over ASAP and turn her into a surrugate wife!

Give her money for the house upkeep, feeding and other things you usually rely on your wife for.

Give her control over your household, including your MIL.

Let your wife see her marriage crumbling before her and I bet she'll be desperate to save it!

I fear you are being too soft on them. If you don't want someone in your house, ask them to leave . . . simple!

Wonders shall never end!

@Poster, how could u leave your home and be sleeping in the office cos of your wife and MIL?
I find it very ridiculous my dear.

Run home very fast! Stamp your authority and order whoever u want to leave immediately

Op, are you a man at all? Your M.I running your house, you must be a joke. Get your acts together before it is too late.

This guy has multiple problems and needs help.

Ujujoan:



@ poster

Don't you have a mother or a female relative that can move in with you?

I suggest you inviter her over ASAP and turn her into a surrugate wife!

Give her money for the house upkeep, feeding and other things you usually rely on your wife for.

Give her control over your household, including your MIL.

Let your wife see her marriage crumbling before her and I bet she'll be desperate to save it!

I fear you are being too soft on them. If you don't want someone in your house, ask them to leave . . . simple!

@ Uju, that may not work, cos noth his wife and d MIL will so make life miserable for her that she wont be able to stay in that house. its better for him to report the situation to his wife's relatives i.e d good ones among them, or better still, let him involve his own family members too. that MIL must leave that house for peace to rain again. i wont allow that in my house anyway, i even trust my mum now, for her to stay for 3 days, u just have to give a serious cajole. some mothers sha won kan sha ti e lojuti

As a man, it's important you stamp your authourity in your home. You are the head of the household, must act as one and gain respect in the process. From all indications, your wife and mum may have lost respect for you, and your mum may be a silent instigator in all of this. This na see finish!

I suggest you go back home with a different strategy. Ignore their pettiness for now. You will have to change aspects of your lifestyle so they understand you have options (Will come to that later). These are some of the qualities of leadership you must demonstrate that will come into good stead. Your wife must realise she has much more to loose by loosing you. Not to have called you in 4 days sleeping rough means she is not threatened by your absence in anyway. Which says a lot. We'll come to that interim lifestyle changes later on to address this problem.

One question I have though is, who is the main financial provider in the household? Do you have kids?

as a businesswoman,the wife and her mother feels they have enough money to do whatever they want without relying on the man.

Also,am sure the wife has bought her mum over with money,that she can never see wrong in anything she does.

Solution:

Get a surrogate wife .she will immediately recant.You dont deal with 2 evil women with kid's gloves otherwise before you know it ,you are 6 feet under.

Hello old man,

are you sure you are a man ? if yes then you need to stand as one. take a decision today or no more.

aba 4 good five years you have been wearing woman rapper abeg loose am today in jesus. say a big amen !

or you follow the next step which is try take some spirit before going home to face your mother in law and wife whom is to leave.

Blazay, I have been married for many years so I do have your criteria to be active here
Well I was not going to mention it before but it is very possible that the mil does not have any respect for him simply because he i not Ibo like them.
This is the sad reality of inter tribal marriages in Nigeria. Very often the family is not broad minded enough to give the other party due respect and acceptance.
I do not think that if he were ibo the woman would have the guts to behave like that with him.
Blazay the mil to be part of the family must play a role as a mil!!!
A good mil wil always stick to her sil and scold her daughter when she goes wrong. Even when the man is wrong she should be diplomatic and seek peace.
Please as an experienced man can you explain how a woman can allow her daughters husband to sleep in the office
And you give this man the ridiculous advice to go pleading and get them to eat out of their palms.
The solution is to get rid of both of them.
If the woman is prepared for the marriage she can come back with her people and do the right thing, which is to plead and change her ways.