this is why single parent homes, especially when the mother is the only parent and is devious, can be a problem. Always look at the quality of the family before you leap into marriage. Forget beauty or money, because at the end of the day they will seem worthless compared to the drama you will face. Its best to stick with families or people you know have values. I am sure OP knew the mother was not straight when he was dating this girl. She is obviously following her mother's footsteps, and you are getting your eye pried open from your previous state of blindness. If you dont take a stand, this is just the beginning. When next you have to choose a bride, you will think and go into it for the right reasons with a long term view in mind.

@ psoter
Now you need to draw a line in the sand; time for talking is over. Tell your wife "hey sweetheart, I know you love mama and I respect that but there can't be three people in this marriage. You either ask mama to leave now or we put this marriage to rest. period.

Staying in the office over Xmas is a dumb idea. Man up and go home to tell your wife and mama that things will have to change now! Let the chips fall wherever. Be assertive and let your wife know you mean what you say. If your wife loves you deeply she'll do everything to save the marriage and ask mama to leave. If not, well I don't think she loves you enough and it's time for both of you to move on.

And where the heck is the poster sef?

@poster
i am sorry sir but it seems you have lost controll of the ship.
you are supposed to be the head of the family, the captain of the ship and what you say goes, without introducing ethnic sentiments it is a fact that no full blooded igbo man will ever allow any mother or father in law to dictate who stays and who goes talk less of the wife.
from the short narrative,i am sorry but i suspect your wife is wearing the trousers in the house,if not she will hearken to whatever her husband wants in the matrimonial home i will advice you to act fast bearing in mind two important points
1.if you have male children,they are watching you and your actions and they will emulate the same actions you as a man takes
2.a wife who isnt bothered to look for you or settle things amicably or better still tell her mum to go and meet her own husband while she takes care of hers needs a lot of care and attention.
i will not advice you to end the marriage,but to simply lay down the law and develop some back bone while you r at it !
i have seen this same scenario happen between a friend of mine here in uk and his then ex wife and her mother, they ended up setting him up and taking the mortgage from him e.t.c

@poster
u mentioned ur wifes family would have prefered an igbo guy to marry her. Do u understand when they (wife and mil) discuss you in igbo?

go home first and foremost. that is where you live and nobody has the right to push you out.
in terms of what to do after, i think you should follow what the poster that referenced the monroe book said. i really wish i could advise you better. what i do know is that you won't solve any of your problems by sleeping in your office. whatever it is you decide to do, you must go home first.

Quote from: switosman on Yesterday at 05:24:15 PM
u need to read a book by myles munroe: understanding the power and purpose of women.
this book will show you how to change your wife.

you need to change your attitude to alot of things, just try to neglect your wife and your MIL, do the necessary things you must do in the house, talk to her when you have to but pretend not to see those thing she and her mum does that get you crazy. dont answer her when she says silly stuff, make a joke or jess out everything that bites you. never say an instruction more than once. its your home, you are the CEO of that house, she is just the manager. if she disobey you just make a note of it and let it be.

Cut down on the number of time you eat at home, infact eat her food only when she is behaving well and show your displeasure by staying away from her food, playing with her, touching her and any other thing you normally do. better hide your face behind a book not a drinking joint. then if you are not given to prayer then try to pray about it all.

She will just realise that she has messed up and she will end up putting her mum in line too.

THAT YOU LOSE CONTROL OF YOUR HOME IS BECAUSE YOU ARE NOT IN CONTROL OF YOURSELF.

a song says" you dont need to fight to be a man". show authority.

follow the advice here once you go home.

@ POSTER

YOU ARE NOT A MAN.

How can you abandon your property because of those women.I hope you are not under a spell from their village.

All this while you ran away from your home. That BOY FRIEND would have been banging your wife inside your house. And you MIL will support them.

WARNING[b][/b].

Do not go back to that house alone, because they(WIFE,MIL AND BF ) may harm you.

I will advise you to go get all your family members sharp sharp. Let them help you send those people parking from your house immediately.

nothing prayers cant do. hope all works out son. i suggest you seek the advice of elders in this, as in your relatives. its vital

if you have positive proof that your wife is cheating on you it calls for extremely drastic measures. If you are living in your own house go home and use whatever means even violence to kick her out. If you are living in a rented apartment and the rent'll soon expire, use the money to rent another apartment. Be prepared for her troubles. Cheating in marriage is not something the guilty party gives up easily, they only change partners when discovered because word gets around that they are game especially women. It's possible your family equally opposed the marriage or she has cleverly eased them out of your life so help might not easily come from them. Bros wake up and live or sleep and die.

@blazay, I guess u re a woman jst opposite ur online status and to be candid u must be an igbo type. Cos every single tin u hv said on dis thread is to suport d wife nd her wicked mother. If u re actualy a man as ur status claimed, wud u hv allowd such 2 hapen? Accordn 2 yoruba says: obirin to nyan ale tii oba pa oko apa ara e - meaning: a woman who introduces infidelity 2 dier marraige wil definately kill her hubby or herself in process. However, u made sme useful points dat d man shudnt hav allowed dat in d 1st place or he shud jst file 4 divorce.
@poster, I cud see dat u hv now kept mute 4 a while now so dat Nlandas can say wateva they wanna say but I mst tel u dat runnin away temporarily frm hme and ask ur wife to call u as soon as d woman's gone is nt d best option. Is either u re ready 4 divorce to stay separately wit ur wife 4eva or u go back there to have urself killed. Me I dey fear igbo pple ooo. It hapens everywhere even in yoruba land too but in igbo's case, u re OYO (on ur own). I rest ma case, neeeeeeext

@blazay,u r simply daft

@olaeday,u r an idiotic tribalistic slowpoke.Am a proud Igbo man n I dont support d women,in fact,my view is dat d op should call of d marriage.Dont bring ur myopic views here:this happens in any tribe. And being scared of Igbo people,better b cause i woulda whooped ur backside if I had seen u in person

@poster u are not man enough!!!!it seems u dont have control at home.
Does your wife pay the bills? Who pays rent? is the house yours? Does your wife earn significantly more than u? If u can honestly answer all these questions, the u should know exactly what to do. IF U REALLY ARE MAN(not boy) OF THE HOUSE, KICK HER ARSE OUT!!!PERIOD!!! NO LONG THING.

poster just cos you are married does not mean you should take leave of your senses.at once return home and practice tough love.

call MIL and wifey for a meeting tell them ordinarily you would have had this conversation in private wth wifey but since it seems u now married to both women , tell them both you want MIL to leave the next day handover transport money to her and tell her to leave u need your privacy.dnt go for any long talk

when she leaves you can begin to trash out the cheating thing atleast now you are dealing with only one person without the influence of the MIL.you need to act fast and tough marriage is for men not boys.

jaephoenix:

@blazay,u r simply daft

@olaeday,u r an idiotic tribalistic not-so-smart person.Am a proud Igbo man n I dont support d women,in fact,my view is dat d op should call of d marriage.Dont bring your myopic views here:this happens in any tribe. And being scared of Igbo people,better b cause i woulda whooped your backside if I had seen u in person

@jaephoenix, i'm not on this thread to trade words with anyone but nevertheless you have made a point by not supporting the women. As I said earlier in my post that it happens everywhere even in my area. As an igbo man so claimed, i bet you your own people will not allow such to happen to you thier son.
You wouldn't whoop ma ass when sees me i bet you, onii fe fi ata boju (you wouldn't wash face wit pepper)

Mr.Dami I want to believe that you are now at home. Having gone thru numerous posts,I confidently say this is the solution to the problem.


Upon reaching home,call your wife to your bedroom and ask her why she ddnt call you afta all dis while(bear in mind that she might have wanted to call but ddnt becos of her mum's influence).But even if she herself no even wan call you sef,it shows that your marriage is truly in danger. Now dont fight her,just move back in as if nothing happened but let her know you are surprised and disappointed that she ddnt call. Now continue to be the responsible,loving husband that you are and try to mend your marriage. Watch for changes in your marriage and pick the best time to remind your wife of your agreement about relatives living with you.All this while be polite to MIL,but dont be unnecessarily nice to her,smile dont laugh and dont go out of your way to be nice to her. TRY ALL you can to gain your wife's love and respect back(bearing in mind she's already cheating). Continue to press for MIL's exit until it happens.NOTE ALSO that MIL might not leave until you make commitment on her upkeep.

Answers to the numerous qtns asked so far.
1) My parents are late. lost my mum 1970 and my dad yr2000.
2) If ds marriage crashes, I dnt intend taking another wife, my father lived without a wife since 1970 that my mum died till his death in yr 2000 at the age of 80
3) I am the sole financier in the home. I have set up nemerous biz for my wife but she jst cant do anything succesfully, so she has decided to join my biz, a sector i left for her to manage but she failed to sustain the biz as well
4) I have siblings 3females and 2 males but xtians and lover of peace, they kept asking me to pray and God will make changes. Non is aggressive enough to move in and help inpact any intimidation. I am d last born.
5) I have 2 kids frm her, females 6 and 3 yrs
6) Its actually a mistake that I said 5 yrs, its up to 7 years, she (MIL) moved in when husband died, and wldnt jst leave
7) my MIL has not been living with her husband since my wife was a kid, I guess she cldnt cope with d polygamy of the husband e had 5 wives
My wife siblings dnt seem to want to interfer, none has called me to iron out a solution, even all the quarrels i hav had with my MIL non of her sons has come to talk to me about it. And of course they do visit her in my home, cos most times am at wrk. I only enjoy the comfort of my home on sundays in the morning when my MIL wld hav gone to church by 5.30am,

UPDATE, , she called me yesterday night at weds 22nd by 9pm that she is sick and at my office, whereas i was at a frnds house helping him fill online visa application form for united state, he, his wife and son. So i tld her am not aaround and may not come back until morning. She asked where am I, and I tld her am somewhere doing a job for some1. Apparently she wld knw who dt my frnd is st i will be in his home dt late cos ive been going there to assist him and do some jobs for him. She sent me a text tht she said she is sick and i didnt shw any care, I replied dt she supposed to tell her mum not me since she is not ready to do my will.

gthotee,from all you have said i put it to you that your wife is having an affair with someone else which i think her mother is aware of too.now, you are a man,stand on your feet.if things are tearing apart like this, your happiness in life is more than the hapiness of the marriage.am talking from experience,in yoruba land there is an adage that says "ejo ni akoko n ko ki ato ko ija" which means you learn how to talk before learning how to fight.leave the house for them and find solace elsewhere.guy, this is a modern world of recent thoughts.if your wife has started dating someone, that means your death is close.pls abeg you flee from evil.am a realist not a theorist

If my above reply does not work then it's time to turn up the heat.



Basically,it's about first employing Blazay's advice and Mutter's.

'/'/

Have you tried renting a place for your MIL?
If you currently don't own your own home then stop paying the rent and see them get kicked out.
I won't even allow my own mum live with me talkless of a MIL

Your MIL is not your responsibility. It's the responsibility of her children and you shouldn't be burdened in your own house.
Go be the man that you are and stop whining.

gfhotee:

Answers to the numerous qtns asked so far.
1) My parents are late. lost my mum 1970 and my dad yr2000.
2) If ds marriage crashes, I dnt intend taking another wife, my father lived without a wife since 1970 that my mum died till his death in yr 2000 at the age of 80
3) I am the sole financier in the home. I have set up nemerous biz for my wife but she jst cant do anything succesfully, so she has decided to join my biz, a sector i left for her to manage but she failed to sustain the biz as well
4) I have siblings 3females and 2 males but xtians and lover of peace, they kept asking me to pray and God will make changes. Non is aggressive enough to move in and help inpact any intimidation. I am d last born.
5) I have 2 kids frm her, females 6 and 3 yrs
6) Its actually a mistake that I said 5 yrs, its up to 7 years, she (MIL) moved in when husband died, and wldnt jst leave
7) my MIL has not been living with her husband since my wife was a kid, I guess she cldnt cope with d polygamy of the husband e had 5 wives
My wife siblings dnt seem to want to interfer, none has called me to iron out a solution, even all the quarrels i hav had with my MIL non of her sons has come to talk to me about it. And of course they do visit her in my home, cos most times am at wrk. I only enjoy the comfort of my home on sundays in the morning when my MIL wld hav gone to church by 5.30am,

UPDATE, , she called me yesterday night at weds 22nd by 9pm that she is sick and at my office, whereas i was at a frnds house helping him fill online visa application form for united state, he, his wife and son. So i tld her am not aaround and may not come back until morning. She asked where am I, and I tld her am somewhere doing a job for some1. Apparently she wld knw who dt my frnd is st i will be in his home dt late cos ive been going there to assist him and do some jobs for him. She sent me a text tht she said she is sick and i didnt shw any care, I replied dt she supposed to tell her mum not me since she is not ready to do my will.

Congratulations and I am glad you held your resolve and kept your wits about you and refused to be cowed and now the equilibrum has shifted and the ball is back in your court. Saying this though, the pendulum can still swing either way, so if you are still willing to work on your marriage - yes she knows where you are but would not want to bring it up out of shame knowing that whoever she tells her story to that her Mum has been living with them for the  past 7 years, would blame her - contact her preferably via text, be nonchalant and keep it formal, and tell her something like "I will be back in the office on so so so date and give her an appointment to come and see you" but let her stew and don't tell her where you are yet, as she might only be calling because she feels threatened that you are with another woman.


I bet not seeeing your children is killing you inside, but try not to reference this and don't ask herto bring them along, let her do this of her own violition, lest she starts thinking you are only now interested in the children only and start using it as a bargainning chip to blackmail you. If she is still interested in preserving her marriage, the thought that you could be so lakadaisical about the whole shenanigan would jolt her back to reality and bring her back to planet Earth with a bump, and I bet you she will spend the whole of the time till "that appointment" going over all her wrongs and how she violated her marital vows to you and started disrespecting you, and hopefully by the time she sees you, would have come to her right senses.


God gave us a mouth that is automatically closed by default and ears that are open for a reason, so on this "due date", be conspicuosly brief and tense with your response to convey your anger, but please act the bigger person and remain civil, let her do majority of the talking whilst you do the listening, to ascertain if she has truly grasped the situation on the ground. After all has been said and done, tell her "ok, i have heard", and let her go home, but don't let her know your next course of action. Regardless of the outcome.


YOU HAVE TO GO HOME THAT DAY OH, AND FEEL FREE TO WALK IN UNANNOUNCED, AFTERALL IT IS YOUR HOUSE. Greet your MIL curtly, greet your wife and children, then proceed to your bedroom. If your wife had promised to get rid of her MIL, start living the life of a single person in your own home until this comes to pass, BECAUSE UNTIL SHE LEAVES, YOU WILL KNOW NO PEACE, AND YOU MIGHT AS WELL GET DIVORCED TO PROTECT YOUR SANITY.


With regards to the alleged cheating, not saying you should weep it under the carpet, but go easy on your wifey, as having a Mum who hates her Hubby would not have helped matters, hence reason that woman has to go. I wish you all the best and pray that God will guide you and shield you IJN.

1. This tory na long tin, i cant even chip-in my two cents, everything that oughta b said has,
2. All you effing tribalists eh?! Smh!
3. Blazay? Smh! As Maximus said, "the time for honoring urself'll soon be at an end",
@ Mutter, very mature, well done for not condescending even under provocation, That "experienced, married guy" sure as hades has deep issues,
@ Poster, Que sera sera! Best wishes!

Well I didnt wait 5 yrs b4 crying out, we've been on it and my wife has

been promising to move her mum out. There wa a tym I personally threw my

MIL luggages out, my my big sis wont stop crying and she pleaded dt if my

MIL must leave, it shld be on a peaceful note, dt made me to succumb and I

gave my wife 3months so dt the quarell wld hav died down to move her mum.

But rather she came up with story dt her mum will be emotionally broken

down and might die early cos she will miss her grandchildren as other of

her children are yet to hav a baby.


OTHER QTNS:
- My parents were late b4 I married her.
- I didnt do any right so far cos the father died when d arrange started

and the father's siblings are having issues over their fathers property

after their father's death. The fathers siblings sold the only property he

had and gave the last wife money to rent apartment, moenet to get a shop

some money to support her kids in school and held others in ransome to go

build their dads vault b4 getting anything out of their will. Now I dnt

see myself involeved in such pple and talk about rites. secondly when the

father died the mother moved in and eversince my businbess has been dawn

and only sustainable, so God knows am struggling to make my kids get best

education, my wife doesnt support finacially cos she jst cant make

progress in all the biz i hav invested for her.


NOTE: i didnt leave the house because I am weak, nor do I plan to leave my

home 4eav, I left to giv her tym to think and choose between her marriage

and her mum, I blieve if she still loves me, my leaving d house will be

uncomfortable to her and she will definitely do d right thing, however i

hav a mind that if she doesnt, i will sacrifce the xmas and new year out

of my home, i will stay wit my cousing for the xmas and new year and if my

wife hasnt pushed her mum out, I will make it a new year present my

throwing my MIL things out by 2nd Jan 2011.

Take charge of your home. Get the police if need be and throw the woman out of your house. What nonsense! Na she pay your bride price for you?

Busy_body:


Congratulations and I am glad you held your resolve and kept your wits about you and refused to be cowed and now the equilibrum has shifted and the ball is back in your court. Saying this though, the pendulum can still swing either way, so if you are still willing to work on your marriage - yes she knows where you are but would not want to bring it up out of shame knowing that whoever she tells her story to that her Mum has been living with them for the past 7 years, would blame her - contact her preferably via text, be nonchalant and keep it formal, and tell her something like "I will be back in the office on so so so date and give her an appointment to come and see you" but let her stew and don't tell her where you are yet, as she might only be calling because she feels threatened that you are with another woman.


I bet not seeeing your children is killing you inside, but try not to reference this and don't ask herto bring them along, let her do this of her own violition, lest she starts thinking you are only now interested in the children only and start using it as a bargainning chip to blackmail you. If she is still interested in preserving her marriage, the thought that you could be so lakadaisical about the whole shenanigan would jolt her back to reality and bring her back to planet Earth with a bump, and I bet you she will spend the whole of the time till "that appointment" going over all her wrongs and how she violated her marital vows to you and started disrespecting you, and hopefully by the time she sees you, would have come to her right senses.


God gave us a mouth that is automatically closed by default and ears that are open for a reason, so on this "due date", be conspicuosly brief and tense with your response to convey your anger, but please act the bigger person and remain civil, let her do majority of the talking whilst you do the listening, to ascertain if she has truly grasped the situation on the ground. After all has been said and done, tell her "ok, i have heard", and let her go home, but don't let her know your next course of action. Regardless of the outcome.


YOU HAVE TO GO HOME THAT DAY OH, AND FEEL FREE TO WALK IN UNANNOUNCED, AFTERALL IT IS YOUR HOUSE. Greet your MIL curtly, greet your wife and children, then proceed to your bedroom. If your wife had promised to get rid of her MIL, start living the life of a single person in your own home until this comes to pass, BECAUSE UNTIL SHE LEAVES, YOU WILL KNOW NO PEACE, AND YOU MIGHT AS WELL GET DIVORCED TO PROTECT YOUR SANITY.


With regards to the alleged cheating, not saying you should weep it under the carpet, but go easy on your wifey, as having a Mum who hates her Hubby would not have helped matters, hence reason that woman has to go. I wish you all the best and pray that God will guide you and shield you IJN.

busybody is on point. 100% agree with your suggestions to this highly complex matter. very practical.

@ Mutter's first post

Yippee WeI knew it was inside waiting to be teased out, yay, go mutter, go mutter, go mutter Our work is not yet done though

gfhotee:

Well I didnt wait 5 yrs b4 crying out, we've been on it and my wife has

been promising to move her mum out. There wa a tym I personally threw my

MIL luggages out. . .

Chei, you be angry man oh


Biko, abeg don't take that course of action at all, I have modified my last post and added to it. You have to go back home and take the advice of the dude that said you should show them the silent treatment, then if all else fails, you could move out after your rent expires or if you own the property, sell it and add money and buy a smaller one for her so your children would have a roof over their head and then set up savings account for your children as well as give her money and provision for their upkeep. I sincerely hope and pray it works out for you. Olorun a fun e ni okun ati  alaafia, amin.

gfhotee:

Well I didnt wait 5 yrs b4 crying out, we've been on it and my wife has

been promising to move her mum out. There wa a tym I personally threw my

MIL luggages out, my my big sis wont stop crying and she pleaded dt if my

MIL must leave, it shld be on a peaceful note, dt made me to succumb and I

gave my wife 3months so dt the quarell wld hav died down to move her mum.

But rather she came up with story dt her mum will be emotionally broken

down and might die early cos she will miss her grandchildren as other of

her children are yet to hav a baby.


OTHER QTNS:
- My parents were late b4 I married her.
- I didnt do any right so far cos the father died when d arrange started

and the father's siblings are having issues over their fathers property

after their father's death. The fathers siblings sold the only property he

had and gave the last wife money to rent apartment, moenet to get a shop

some money to support her kids in school and held others in ransome to go

build their dads vault b4 getting anything out of their will. Now I dnt

see myself involeved in such pple and talk about rites. secondly when the

father died the mother moved in and eversince my businbess has been dawn

and only sustainable, so God knows am struggling to make my kids get best

education, my wife doesnt support finacially cos she jst cant make

progress in all the biz i hav invested for her.


NOTE: i didnt leave the house because I am weak, nor do I plan to leave my

home 4eav, I left to giv her tym to think and choose between her marriage

and her mum, I blieve if she still loves me, my leaving d house will be

uncomfortable to her and she will definitely do d right thing, however i

hav a mind that if she doesnt, i will sacrifce the xmas and new year out

of my home, i will stay wit my cousing for the xmas and new year and if my

wife hasnt pushed her mum out, I will make it a new year present my

throwing my MIL things out by 2nd Jan 2011.

you are not a weak man despite what everyone has said. sometimes caution is better than irrational action backed with intense anger. God will grant you the wisdom to overcome this challenge and many others in Jesus name. ensure whatever happens your kids are well taken care of. NEVER neglect them cos they never asked to be born, regardless of who their mum is or what she did to you. it is well. remember to always think and live for the future, no matter how painful the past is. its exactly that. the PAST

Busy_body:



Chei, you be angry man oh


Biko, abeg don't take that course of action at all, I have modified my last post and added to it. You have to go back home and take the advice of the dude that said you should show them the silent treatment, then if all else fails, you could move out after your rent expires or if you own the property, sell it and add money and buy a smaller one for her so your children would have a roof over their head and then set up savings account for your children as well as give her money and provision for their upkeep. I sincerely hope and pray it works out for you. Olorun a fun e ni okun ati  alaafia, amin.

why must he continue to suffer all because culture or religion asked us to be nice? They don't care about him so why should he care?
The woman should carry her mum and go stay with her abeg. What would have happened if it was the other way round?
Another lesson for us men mehn.
Don't marry a woman that's potentially going to make her family's responsibility yours

@CC, i thought u were goin 2 fold ur arms witout sayin notin. Do u tink those tins u said up there are goin 2 work, ? I doubt it. Rememba as i said earlier dat a married woman who's hving an affair outside marriage will definately kill her soul mate or herself, is dat a lie?

These people are taking advantage of you - the additional details you’ve given make it very clear.

Being a last born, you tend to defer to your elders and not really question them, and the fact that your parents are deceased leaves you with little parental advice in this situation.

They have taken your[b] natural easy going nature for weakness[/b] and you need to correct that. Your wife is manipulating you with these stories about the mother having an emotional breakdown. The MIL is supporting your wife in infidelity and clearly does not respect you!

The fact that you threw out her belongings but let her back in shows the MIL that you might make some noise, but you will eventually back down. That is the reason no one is bothered you’re not at home. They believe after you ‘vex small’ you’ll come back and be a quiet little child - they are treating you like a child who gets mad for dropping his lolly but soon forgets about it.

You must put your foot down as a man. I don’t like using this ‘as a man’ type phrase because it usually means being a brute, but it is definitely necessary now.

You need to do two things - go back to your house NOW. No one should be able to force you out of your own home.

You need to tell your wife that you understand the MIL’s position, but you cannot have two wives in the house. Make it clear that you will provide accommodation for the MIL within reasonable distance from your home and that she will have access to the grandchildren. Do this in a calm and measured manner, and don’t get emotional.

If your wife comes up with more ‘stories’, put your foot down - while you will try your best to make her see reason, they have clearly lost respect for you and might try to still bully you. Give a clear ultimatum that she must leave as you’ve said. If your wife refuses, kick the MIL out immediately. If your wife decides to go with her, keep your kids or move them to one of your siblings and then try to sort things out.

The truth is, you will NEVER be able to reconcile with your wife while your MIL is around - she is one of the cancers eating away at your home.

This is not going to be easy, but until you regain control and authority over your household, you won't be able to even talk to your wife without the MIL's overbearing influence.

'/'/