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Am I Doing Wrong By Supporting My Boyfriend Financially? - Family (7) - Nairaland

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Re: Am I Doing Wrong By Supporting My Boyfriend Financially? by Nobody: 7:02am On Jan 11, 2011
@ Dayo, Likeme, Genuis et al

Let's not get sentimental her cos IMO that's what spoils relationships. We are know that at least 70% of the time, guys tend to forget the girl that was there for him through thick and thin . . . especially when they finally realize they can make it on their own.

The main thing to focus on here is if it's right for a woman to keep sponsoring a guy at her own detriment in the name of love . . . . The answer is clearly NO. Is it right for the guy to keep accepting her handouts knowing she was overdrawing her account? NO!

As of now, they are both in a relationship so it's about their individual needs. She has to protect hers first before thinking of a boyfriend. Besides what message is she passing across to him? That it's okay for him to laze around since she can pick up the bills?

I say again, there's something fundamentally wrong with a man who relies on his gf (not fiancee or wife) for his source of livelihood. Must he have a girlfriend? If he know he's broke he should focus on taking care of himself and leave girls alone. When's he's financially stable, he can look for a girlfriend. At least then he'll be able to contribute his part in the relationship and his respect will be intact.
Re: Am I Doing Wrong By Supporting My Boyfriend Financially? by Nobody: 7:06am On Jan 11, 2011
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Re: Am I Doing Wrong By Supporting My Boyfriend Financially? by Nobody: 9:21am On Jan 11, 2011
likeme:

If truly jennykadry is happily married the way she paint it here, I presume your husby in in for a a real trouble. The man is just coping with you as a wife. Why must you start calling people names because of their choice. I can as well call you OPONU for calling your husband when u saw a snake rather than running away. infact you are a not-so-smart person.

Sighs sad

What can I say? if I call you an im[i]b[/i]ecile now, it will be an insult to your high profiled display of stupidity on here. But I guess I just have to make do with calling you an imbecil[i]e[/i].
Re: Am I Doing Wrong By Supporting My Boyfriend Financially? by Nobody: 9:29am On Jan 11, 2011
jay bee:

^^^^
She lent him money without him having cried for help right?
Why did she open this thread to find out if it's normal for a man to be lending money from a woman?
Fact is she wasn't comfortable with the idea so no point trying to paint a picture of partners helping each other or what not.

AHHHHHHH. It is quite refreshing to know that we still have responsible and sensible men on here. Atleast this is going to calm my worried nerves.
Re: Am I Doing Wrong By Supporting My Boyfriend Financially? by Nobody: 9:38am On Jan 11, 2011
queensmith:

and even if not I STILL dont think you can love someone in 6 months!

I did love someone a few hours after I talked with him, and in 3 months I was tripping, before a year I changed from my fathers name to his. This was many years back and believe me the love is still strong infact stronger than it used to be.
Re: Am I Doing Wrong By Supporting My Boyfriend Financially? by Nobody: 9:43am On Jan 11, 2011
Please, i need advice and opinion from matured people. Married peeps and those in serious relationships.

I am a Nigerian young lady presently dating a Nigerian man here in England. He's just recently completed his degree and he is yet to get a stable job.

We have been together for about six months and things have been okay between us expect the issue of finances.

It seems that i am bearing all the financial burden of this relationship. Although we stay seperately, anything i cook. . . . pot of soup, rice. beans, anything. . . . i always split it into two and give my boyfriend most times over half of it. He has never given me a penny just to make up for the money i spend on all the meals i cook for both of us. He has never asked me specifically to cook for him. . I prepare the meals outta love and for the fact that he cannot cook and most times he eats out (kebab, and some other junk).

On one occassion, he had issues paying his rent and i had to lend him money. He didn't return the money back to me when i expected and he wanted to give me the money in installments but i refused and told him i needed the money to sort out my own issues (which was the truth) and it was only then he gave me back the money.

I have no issues helping out someone i love in times of need but i am beginning to feel used and stupidly in love.The final straw was recently when i had to lend him money inorder for him to sort out his visa issues (a tangible sum).
By the time i lent him the money and paid my own rent, my account was overdrawn leaving me broke with piling overdraft fees He is yet to tell me when he's going to return the money back to me and i am feeling a bit awkward regarding asking him about it.

I earn higher than him and my source of income is steadier than his. I am a very generous person at heart but i recently developed this feeling that the reason he's keeping me around is because i offer some sort of financial support.

He talks about marriage and tells me that once he gets a regular job that he is going to marry me. He does appreciate me and tells that me that girls like me with my attitude and character are hard to find and he does not want to lose me. He also tells me that he has never felt so loved by any girl in his life.

I see nothing wrong in standing by my man in need (especially with this tag on nigerian girls in london that we are all gold diggas) but do you people think i am overdoing it?

Am just really down now. Especially when i think about the fact that my account is in red and thats because i lent money to him

There you go OAM4JENNY. cool

Now I know you are after my money, the relationship is over grin cheesy I don't wanna end up cooking ewedu for you everyday and the only thing you use to pay me back is your weapon of mass destruction. grin grin I no do again
Re: Am I Doing Wrong By Supporting My Boyfriend Financially? by Nobody: 10:11am On Jan 11, 2011
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Re: Am I Doing Wrong By Supporting My Boyfriend Financially? by Nobody: 10:25am On Jan 11, 2011
^^Ki ni mo se nowww embarassed embarassed grin grin

Dilute ke? for wiaaaa? MR JK once offered to send me to his village to live with his grand ma shocked shocked when I refused , he said he wouldn't come bail me out if I get locked up in cell. cry cry
Re: Am I Doing Wrong By Supporting My Boyfriend Financially? by pslm23(f): 2:04pm On Jan 11, 2011
bhusayor:

na wa o, why are some guys here being so defensive?Not every woman has a 'big heart' like the poster, (at least,i dont), any bf dat expects me to give all the time should be ready to see me as the 'head' in the relationship, you guys are so quick to point out that you want a submissive lady hu u want to exercise 'authority' over,yet you dont want to take responsibilities!if you really want to be in charge,then do all it takes to be in charge! N all the 'he doesnt ask,i do those tins outta love' is BS,he's definately enjoyin it! plus he doesnt need to ask becos he knows u have a big heart already,at least he could tell you to stop or drop some dough once in a while to support, There's nothing wrong in giving in a rlt as a gurl(i buy gifts for my fiance once in a while)but please dont play double roles SOLE PROVIDER AND THE CARING AND SUBMISSIVE WIFE TO BE at the same time

True Talk!

Tink_sh:

Poster, thank you so much for raising this subject. I recently was emotionally manipulated
(This is the MO of most jobless men. They are good at emotionally manipulating gullible, naive women)
He guilt tripped me
(Men know that they can easily influence a woman to do anything for them by laying the "guilt trip" thing on them)
He promised with everything
(they can lie too and make promises they know they have no intention of keeping) )
he refused to work the 'lower' jobs while he studied
(once they have seen that they can get "free" money without breaking a sweat, they relax and wait for manna to fall from their GF's pockets).
he got mad at me for asking for it back
(typical! they get angry and then make u feel guilty for asking for your money back and make you feel like u've done something wrong).
, I thought i was doing the right thing.I would strongly warn you to stop giving him everything. As somone said before, if you can afford it go ahead but if you cant, do not let him manipulate you into giving it to him. He needs to get off his butt and be a man, geez and some guys wonder why we harden our hearts. My prayers are with you.
  (Be wise!)
Re: Am I Doing Wrong By Supporting My Boyfriend Financially? by delicious1(m): 3:37pm On Jan 11, 2011
@OP
I feel there's nothing wrong in that. But the BF should have a plan to get out there and work-you can't provide for him forever.
Re: Am I Doing Wrong By Supporting My Boyfriend Financially? by OAM4J: 3:38pm On Jan 11, 2011
chaircover:

Genius please take it easy OK especially on this school of men that you want to take me to LOL.Although I am not getting the cheating argument no one can stop you from your opinions.

OAM4J since you have still not seen what she said, here we go again;

I am a very generous person at heart but i recently developed this feeling that the reason he's keeping me around is because i offer some sort of financial support.

IMO The best type of woman a man can find  in this kind of situation, is one that can think ahead and look long term, way past next months rent & this evenings rice and beans.

If this were me, I know that I cant afford to carry on giving him money and what I give is not enough for both of us to spend. (the account being in red proves that)
I know that eventually I will become fed up and frustrated with the situation, I may (I didn't say will) become snappy and raise my voice a few decibels when I talk to him due to my frustration & fears about my bank balance. I also know that we need a bit of savings for a rainy day.

I am also not 100% sure if he genuinely loves me or he is just around me because I am of financial assistance to him; so this is what I would do . . . .

Rewind back to my post on page one.

[b]In a nutshell, I will put on my most comfortable shoes and walk with him the length and breath of London looking for job with him. I will buy all the job newspapers and start applying for jobs & even filling application forms in his absence on his behalf.

I will ditch Eastenders or Big brother and in the evening scour the net for jobs, I will open up an Ebaay account for him and investigate what Items that I can buy cheaply and resell at a profit.

I will buy a lyca mobile sim card and call all my friends and acquaintances up even the ones I haven't spoken too in 5 years asking them if there are any vacancies in their places of work.

When I log onto face book it is not to talk about Jenny's new dodgy looking brazillian hairstyle not JK o! cool  grin but to network and find out information on any jobs that may be available that my friends know of.

I will buy books on interviewing skills and practice different interview scenarios with him. I will make sure that he looks presentable at interviews. I don't even mind paying for his CV to be professionally written

By the time I am done with him he will be picking and choosing jobs.

I will support him, encourage him and stick by him like ham in a sandwich until he is able to stand on his own too feet with his dignity intact. Forget the handouts.Handouts are temporary and do more damage than they are worth. Poster needs to be proactive not reactive.[/b]

Infact is girls women like me; Mrs CC who with my attitude and character that are hard to find (not my words LOL)  so please lets put sentiment to one side & face reality.

Sefini  cool

I agree with all you said. I just dont want us to make it look like it's a crime to help a bf in need. I agree there should be a limit and it should not be a continuous or forever thing. But hey! if my gf caanot help me in my hour of need who should?

Yes I also agree that babes women like you are also hard to find, you are special in your own way.  cool ( NB: Mr CC am not stylishly toasting o  grin)
Re: Am I Doing Wrong By Supporting My Boyfriend Financially? by OAM4J: 3:50pm On Jan 11, 2011
jennykadry:

I did love someone a few hours after I talked with him, and in 3 months I was tripping, before a year I changed from my fathers name to his. This was many years back and believe me the love is still strong infact stronger than it used to be.

Tell her o. You forgot to mention how soon my weapon of mass destruction started invading your Iraq grin

jennykadry:

There you go OAM4JENNY. cool

Now I know you are after my money, the relationship is over grin cheesy I don't wanna end up cooking ewedu for you everyday and the only thing you use to pay me back is your weapon of mass destruction.  grin grin I no do again

Do I need to start counting how many of us on Nairaland you made their accounts go RED, starting from Seun? BTW, when are you paying back my $14k loan you recently miscalculated? It will be over as soon as you returned my money, the X5, the space wagon and the house/hostel I bought for you and your 21 kids (thank God they are all still in my name grin) else your a$$ remains mine till whatever do us part  tongue grin
Re: Am I Doing Wrong By Supporting My Boyfriend Financially? by Nobody: 4:01pm On Jan 11, 2011
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Re: Am I Doing Wrong By Supporting My Boyfriend Financially? by OAM4J: 4:16pm On Jan 11, 2011
CC
I have recited Ps.51, taken off my dirty linen and put on the whole holy armour of God. Praise God am now holy. cool

****now you can wake up***** grin grin
Re: Am I Doing Wrong By Supporting My Boyfriend Financially? by mistique(f): 4:29am On Jan 12, 2011
I think you should stop giving him money if it hurts your finances. If he really loves you he will get his lazy ass out and get any job he finds and not bury you in financial debt.

It is ok to help your boyfriend but girl, this smells and i think he is just using you. I live abroad and trust me i have done jobs i am not proud of even though i had a masters degree, but i had to pay my bills.
KICK IS ASS ONTO THE CURB. HE SMELLS LIKE A LOSER.
Re: Am I Doing Wrong By Supporting My Boyfriend Financially? by dayokanu(m): 7:34am On Jan 12, 2011
Ujujoan:

@ Dayo, Likeme, Genuis et al

Let's not get sentimental her cos IMO that's what spoils relationships. We are know that at least 70% of the time, guys tend to forget the girl that was there for him through thick and thin . . . especially when they finally realize they can make it on their own.

The main thing to focus on here is if it's right for a woman to keep sponsoring a guy at her own detriment in the name of love . . . . The answer is clearly NO. Is it right for the guy to keep accepting her handouts knowing she was overdrawing her account? NO!

As of now, they are both in a relationship so it's about their individual needs. She has to protect hers first before thinking of a boyfriend. Besides what message is she passing across to him? That it's okay for him to laze around since she can pick up the bills?

I say again, there's something fundamentally wrong with a man who relies on his gf (not fiancee or wife) for his source of livelihood. Must he have a girlfriend? If he know he's broke he should focus on taking care of himself and leave girls alone. When's he's financially stable, he can look for a girlfriend. At least then he'll be able to contribute his part in the relationship and his respect will be intact.



My own question is simple, Would your response have been the same if it was the girl taking money from the guy?
Re: Am I Doing Wrong By Supporting My Boyfriend Financially? by Nobody: 12:23am On Jan 13, 2011
hmn,u neva give up,du you?
Re: Am I Doing Wrong By Supporting My Boyfriend Financially? by dayokanu(m): 12:35am On Jan 13, 2011
How can I give up on a fine girl like you? lailai
Re: Am I Doing Wrong By Supporting My Boyfriend Financially? by Ranoscky(m): 4:26pm On Jan 14, 2011
And all these "don't give him money anymore" are comin from the NIGERIAN GIRLS that WE all knows about? undecided

Are they now sayin that the relationship in Nigeria today is 50/50? shocked

these are the people that their boyfriends bought all the things (clothes, shoes, watch, necklace, ear-rings etc) they used durin the christmas season, and all their boyfriends had in return was s3x, and NOTHING but s3x! Apart from that, their boyfriends also took them to some pleasurable places to catch fun and all that (how many girls bought the BBB they'r usin today with their money?) and here they are talkin trash about someone helpin another financialy in a TEMPORARY situation, What a BIG shame!

This topic has truly revealed the kind of girls/women that we have here in NL.

Op, just like I said before, do it for love, but don't do more than you can, k? God WILL SURELY reward you back!
Re: Am I Doing Wrong By Supporting My Boyfriend Financially? by Nobody: 4:49pm On Jan 14, 2011
^^^Well you can't blame Nigerian girls. Most people speak from experience. They at one time assisted their Nigerian boyfriends who later dealt them serious blows. The logical thing is to be wary, or don't you think so?

@poster
I know you like to see yourself as the girl with the big heart. But since you are complaining erhmmm your heart is not that big. If you dont have peace of mind, i think you should stop. tongue
Re: Am I Doing Wrong By Supporting My Boyfriend Financially? by Ranoscky(m): 5:44pm On Jan 14, 2011
stillwater:

The logical thing is to be wary, or don't you think so?
Ya, it's important for her to be wary, but are the responses over this thread worth it? undecided

Let's be specific, How many guys in Nigerian today are wary of themselves when spendin on their girlfriends? undecided How many girls in Nigeria today are wary of 50/50 in a relationship before askin their boyfriends money for BBB, hair make-up, perfume, body lotion etc, are they not also workin and earnin money for themselves? undecided

If some of the female rantins here are from none Nigerian girls, that would have be a different case, b'cos, we all know that relationships are surpose to be a 50/50 thing, to the benefit of both partner. But almost 98% of the responses on this thread are from NIGERIAN girls that WE ALL know their lifestyle (and dem stil dey form ajebor).

So why nagetive responses over a girl that decided to help her boyfriend financialy? undecided
Re: Am I Doing Wrong By Supporting My Boyfriend Financially? by dayokanu(m): 6:45pm On Jan 14, 2011
stillwater:

^^^Well you can't blame Nigerian girls. Most people speak from experience. They at one time assisted their Nigerian boyfriends who later dealt them serious blows. The logical thing is to be wary, or don't you think so?

From your own experience, Do you know How many men have assisted their wives financially all over time, and even carry the bulk of financial burden, that the women turned around and left them.

Yet the men wont rave that much, If a man had opened a thread like this that he has been supporting his gf of 6months financially, Can you guess what the response of the "DO NOT SUPPORT HIM" brigade would have been?
Re: Am I Doing Wrong By Supporting My Boyfriend Financially? by tpia6: 1:39pm On Jan 27, 2011
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Re: Am I Doing Wrong By Supporting My Boyfriend Financially? by Busybody2(f): 1:09am On Jan 28, 2011
aktunde:
Can you see what I am saying? I said this guy in question might not even be as bad as you make people see him here. To confirm I said it before, check out the bold part of my initial comment below:

Can you see yourself? I already have a feeling that this guy might not even be as bad as you have painted him here. That was why I never supported you on the first place. Now you here here defending him again. Now, you have allowed so many people who don't even know the details about him to rain all sorts of bad comments about him. I just wish he can have an idea of what you have done to him here. Now, you want to defend him again. I just don't know what is wrong with some people. Instead of you to sit down and handle your personal problems. Because of your little worry, you run to nairaland. People have various opinions, and you will only be exposed to noise by making your personal issues public. Now, you want o make them like the guy again, after bringing him down because you just received your pay check?

Na real wa for you

And my fellow nairalanders, lets always be patient to get full details before passing comments. I am sure this poster might have made some people feel stuupid for what they think or said about a guy they don't even know. I don't really see anything wrong in that relationship, except if there is something to prove that the guy never loved her or the guy is merely using her.


People should feel free to come and post anything they want on here, but i agree with the rest of your post 100%.
Re: Am I Doing Wrong By Supporting My Boyfriend Financially? by Busybody2(f): 2:09am On Jan 28, 2011
listentome:

It seems that i am bearing all the financial burden of this relationship. Although we stay seperately, anything i cook. . . . pot of soup, rice. beans, anything. . . . i always split it into two and give my boyfriend most times over half of it. He has never given me a penny just to make up for the money i spend on all the meals i cook for both of us. He has never asked me specifically to cook for him. . I prepare the meals outta love and for the fact that he cannot cook and most times he eats out (kebab, and some other junk). . .

. . .On one occassion, . . .  i had to lend him money. . . he gave me back the money. . .

. . . i am beginning to feel used and stupidly in love. . .

. . .The final straw was recently when i had to lend him money inorder for him to sort out his visa issues (a tangible sum). . .


. . . i recently developed this feeling that the reason he's keeping me around is because i offer some sort of financial support. . .

. . . I see nothing wrong in standing by my man in need (especially with this tag on nigerian girls in london that we are all gold diggas) but do you people think i am overdoing it?  . . .



Overdoing what undecided Abeg wey all the financial burden you dey bear, eh Mother Theresa undecided


listentome:


. . . I should point it out that my boyfriend works. . . .he is not lazy. . .  just that he does not get regular hours from the company he works for. His job is far from decent. Also, all the time he was studying, he could not work more than 20hours weekly. . .

. . . He has never asked me for money. It took a lot of smart probing for him to relax and feel free to open up to me on his financial state. The two occasions i have learnt him money, i was the one that offered to help because i felt the man   . . .
. . . If i had not loaned him the money to sort out his visa issue, he would be preparing to pack his bags to go back to  Nigeria by now. I actually scolded him for not telling me about the problem until very late. . .

. . . That said, despite the fact that he didnt have much, he got me an expensive and classy gift for christmas that left me dazzled and very impressed. . .

. . .we do go out to cinemas, pizzas a few times and he picks the tab and at other times i pay for part or the entire bill. . .

. . . i have never dated any man before that had to rely on me so much and this is a new experience for me and i just wanted to seek people's opinion to what i am doing is okay or wrong or if i should adopt a different approach. undecided . . .


Why are people making mountain out of a molehill, and trying to make you a matyr undecided What have you done? According to you, he is not lazy, just a victim of circumstance and when he reluctantly lent money for rent from you which was your idea, he paid you back, and the only other money you have loaned him is for his visa which you know needs to be in the account for a certain number of days, SO APART FROM THIS, WHAT ELSE HAVE YOU DONE FOR HIM THAT HE SHOULD BE KISSING THE GROUND YOU WALK ON EVERY MORNING undecided

You cook and split the food between the two of you, so what? If you don't cook for him will he die undecided Pata pata he will get potbelly from all those greasy kebabs but since when did anyone die from having a pot belly undecided


And how much is food in the UK by the way undecided Some of us were discussing prices of food in another thread recently, and according to Aysomethin live chicken costs £1.50 each in Upton park, Debosky is willing to drive us down there free, Kadman has promised to buy petrol for the trip, even mesef has volunteered to take them to wembley where apparently 6 plantain costs £1. And luckily for us, Armyofone even volunteered to dash us free tickets to US and promised to cook for us for as long as we want to stay. Asides this £1 each of bell pepper/tomato/chilli pepper/onion and condiment is enough to cook stew for at least a week, if you buy 3 whole chicken, a bag of fish, around 30 pieces of meat, you will still get change from £20, add rice, yam, etc, how much are we talking that you are now painting the poor dude in a bad light as if you are the one paying [b]all [/b]his bills, rent, clothing him, etc whilst he sits on his a/r/s/e at home, day in, day out. And you were using such strong unfair emotives too, o ga o undecided


Ya think he will not know he is the one being discussed if he stumbled on this thread undecided Pele pele oh undecided
Re: Am I Doing Wrong By Supporting My Boyfriend Financially? by dayokanu(m): 2:12am On Jan 28, 2011
You see the way you women are?

I ask If it was a guy doing this kind of support, What would her supporters say when he puts this thread out
Re: Am I Doing Wrong By Supporting My Boyfriend Financially? by tpia6: 2:17am On Jan 28, 2011
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Re: Am I Doing Wrong By Supporting My Boyfriend Financially? by OAM4J: 8:44pm On Jan 28, 2011
tpia*:

btw six months is a rather short period.

if it is the other way round, will 6 months be a short period for her to start 'shopping' the guy's money?

tpia*:

have you met any of his family members, etc etc.

Tpia, dont tell me if you are my gf, I will need to 1st meet your parent and you meet mine, possibly sign an intent to marry before we can share what we have. undecided
Re: Am I Doing Wrong By Supporting My Boyfriend Financially? by tpia6: 1:42am On Jan 29, 2011
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Re: Am I Doing Wrong By Supporting My Boyfriend Financially? by Ranoscky(m): 6:42am On Jan 29, 2011
OAM4J:

if it is the other way round, will 6 months be a short period for her to start 'shopping' the guy's money?
grin grin grin. . .Oloun O! grin
Re: Am I Doing Wrong By Supporting My Boyfriend Financially? by dayokanu(m): 7:10am On Jan 29, 2011
OAM4J:

if it is the other way round, will 6 months be a short period for her to start 'shopping' the guy's money?

Tpia, dont tell me if you are my gf, I will need to 1st meet your parent and you meet mine, possibly sign an intent to marry before we can share what we have. undecided

Tell dem oo.

Would 6 months be too early for a guy to start spending money on you?
Re: Am I Doing Wrong By Supporting My Boyfriend Financially? by queensmith: 11:24am On Jan 29, 2011
the woman is just exceptionally stupid, in this day and age- women like this piss me off to the core!

jennykadry:

I did love someone a few hours after I talked with him, and in 3 months I was tripping, before a year I changed from my fathers name to his. This was many years back and believe me the love is still strong infact stronger than it used to be.

your confusing love with something else, but lets not get into that. Only you know how you felt

6 months is waay to short to be pouring your money on anybody, especially if its in the hope youll get something back in return

women with more money than sense kmt

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