I'm an American woman married to a Nigerian, HELP! Any advice? I'm new to this forum and what I have read thus far has been enlightening, thanks everyone.

Luish:

I'm an American woman married to a Nigerian, HELP! Any advice? I'm new to this forum and what I have read thus far has been enlightening, thanks everyone.

Are you crazy? Haven't you heard of Nigerians . .dupe you for all you are worth.Run girl!Run!

I can't run now, we have a child together. We have had major problems in our relationship and we are now separated. I am trying to get him back, but everything I do is not enough. I was the one in the wrong. He is not taking any of my money or anything like that. He's one of the nice ones. I try to make up for what I did but he refuses to see it. How do I get through to him so he will trust me again. Also, I don't understand why he won't divorce me if he sees things as being so bad.

what kind of problems? if we know maybe we can proffer solutions, since you said he's 'one of the nice ones' he might not have given up totally, hence his refusal to divorce. but we need more info on what transpired between you two before more can be said.

There have been so many problems. The main one is the misunderstanding of the reason we got married in the first place. I was helping him out, and he was marrying me for real. I didn't realize this so I was doing my thing. He now sees me as a cheater, and it goes on and on from there only to get worse. He says he doesn't want to divorce because we have a child.

by 'helping out' what do you mean? for papers?

let me get this straight, you met a nice naija guy, married him and then started sleeping around on him? don't let naija girls see this thread, they will savage you for damaging one of the few good guys left out there with your 'misunderstanding'

debosky:

by 'helping out' what do you mean? for papers?

let me get this straight, you met a nice naija guy, married him and then started sleeping around on him? don't let naija girls see this thread, they will savage you for damaging one of the few good guys left out there with your 'misunderstanding'

lol

Damaging?! Maybe if Nigerians where straight with their intentions, things like this would not happen. You Nigerian men do not have the best reputations. Consider this, he wasn't ready for a relationship when we were dating maybe 6 months before he asked me to marry him. Then all of a sudden he wants a real marriage? C'mon Now! But I should be devoured for "damaging" one of the nice ones. Let them fill their bellies. I just wanted some insight on a Nigerian man's way of thinking. Thanks.

wait a minute. . . he wasn't serious six months before then he asked you to marry him? why did you consent? or don't you American women bother to find out whether someone was serious about marriage or not? is it all a joke to you? please explain further

secondly, you never said what 'help' you were providing - was it for papers or was he just in need of someone to warm his bed?

He's a great man, that's why I was dating him. He needed help with papers and because I respected him I wanted to help him. No strings attached. He insisted that we work on a relationship even though I told him it wasn;t necessary, just wanted to help.

I'm done talking about this, no help here. I will leave it with God, He's the only one who sees this from both sides. Thanks anyway everyone.

well goodluck to you

your one-liners and hesitant opening up as to what really transpired hindered any real analysis of your situation

If you 'just wanted to help' you should have kept it platonic with no sex, Good Nigerian men are not in the habit of just having babies all over the place without providing care and a family for them, you obviously misjudged this man, if he was so good, you should have either called it quits or kept it platonic so he wouldn't be hurt while you were 'doing your own thing'.

this no strings attached business shdnt have led to a pregnancy

Thank you Sir.

no need for debate.if he doesnt want you back,simply move on with your life

discuss the baby's future with him and move on

Why won't he divorce me if he doesn't want me?

He's not just thinking about himself, there's a kid to consider. Divorce harms kids more than the parents. be a litte considerate of the little child

give him time and clean up your act (if you're interested that is) then ask for forgiveness.

You are right. I fully understand that divorce hurts children. I so respect his sacrifice to stay even though we are not together. As an American it doesn't make sense but I understand from a Nigerian's perspective. As far as cleaning up my act, I am not the kind of woman who just sleeps around. That is a misconception. Since we have been separated he has dated other women and I have dated other men. I have decided to let that go and just wait and see how things go. I don't want to risk losing him forever because of constant misinterpretations of my actions.

Why do you want him back? Do you love him? Because you don't seem to know this man. He's a Nigerian man but he's an individual nonetheless. You have to figure out a way by yourself to get him back or move on. There are no codes Nigerian men use to control emotions he's going to act according to his heart. I understand your story a bit but I don't think any other person can help you in this case except you're leaving some details. For laughs, you could hook him up with some Pounded Yam and yummy vegetables and appear at his door in a bath robe wrapped around your birthday suit

Yeah he want divorce you until he gets his papers.  If doesn't get his papers, he has to start over again with someone new. This could take years. He is simply workin' his plan. As soon as he gets his papers, he is gonna burn rubber.

I don't see anything wrong in your behavior.  If this was a paper marriage, certainly both of you could get your freak on with whom ever you want, of course, discretion is required.

He does have his papers, he hasn't left.

if i may ask what is the tribe of they guy, did he do the marriage rights for his people back home, if he did as in my village is either his is dead by now or u must be wearing your clothes upside down(Madness) no two way about that. Once married as our tradition says just your husband and nothing more.

@ luish , I can tell you he will never forgive you cheating regardless of the reasons why you did it . That is one of the very first things my naija man said to me was if you cheat it's over and so far he's kept to everything he's said to me so i have no doubt that if i cheat it's over . If he has not divorced you yet it could be cause he wants his papers.

If it was a paper marriage, there is no such thing as cheating.  I think the guy went in for papers, but got emotionally involved.  Of course, he ego may be in the way.  The problem with men having a hard time getting over their lovers doing other men is the "fear" that the other man is a better sexual partner and comparisons might be made.  He may come up on the short end. Naija men tend to have this grand sense of themselves as men. So their egos are very fragile. He probably can't get out his head another man giving you pleasure.

Basically, try to work it out if you can, if you really love and care for the man.  However, after a while of getting no positive response, then the ball is in your court, and if you decide on divorce, there is nothing he can do to stop it.

I don't want a divorce, I love him and want to make him happy. I am trying to make it work. Thanks Big Sis. I don't think he realized either how far he was into me. I must say that I am an amazing woman! He didn't realize how hard it would be to "deal" with an independent American woman. I am a free spirit and live accordingly and he sees this as being "wayward" but I'm trying to calm down to make him secure. Like I said, I am changing and learning what it really means to be married to a Nigerian man. If I didn't love him I wouldn't be going to such lengths to make him secure, believe me.

If the man really cares for you, he will not ask you to change who you are. This is a guick way to misery. Please don't change who you are to make anyone feel comfortable with themselves.   Y'all can compromise.  But he has to be willing to meet you half way.  Please don't adjust who you are for him.  Compromise. Good luck. You come with your own history and culture. Don't you dare give it up for anyone. Remember compromise.

Believe me I am not changing who I am. He chose me for a reason. The things I am changing are things I should be changing anyway. It's all good!

When I first got married I was as paranoid as hell about papers etc but then I realised there was so much that he did to prove to me he is not messing me about ie taking me down to Nigeria. I sinceraly appologised about my misconceptions and thankfully I was forgiven. If he loved you that much he would see where you were coming from. He could have been looking for a gateway who knows? appologise and do what you can if he wants ya that much he will be back. How long were you married for?

Lelia,

I hope your marriage is the real thing. But just to keep your eyes open, if you have to help him file his papers, then this is in all probability the reason he married you. It is good that he takes you home with him. But you have to know, often the family are a part of the scam. They will benefit if he is able to get his papers.

I am not saying this is the type of man he is, but many are truly foul. They play the game so well. These men are some serious cassanovas and know how to work their prey.

My intention is not to cause you distress. But I have seen so many women ruin by these men. So be mindful. Don't let "Ise love him so much blind you!" Good luck.

@ Bigsis . . .

You claim to be a PHD holder in Nigeria affairs but you failed to realize the simple fact that when A Nigerian man introduces a woman to his family, it has gone beyond scam/wuruwuru. No right thinking Nigerian man will go that length to involve his parent in such an act as you have authoritatively stated. Apparently, you are quite oblivious of the Nigerian culture, apart from what you see on Oprah and CNN. With that said, you can continue with your jaundiced inflammatory retorts on the entire Nigerian Nation. I will not try defend Nigeria any further, if you're going to tag a nation of over 140 million a bunch of marriage for paper scammers, I will not help you understand your delirious error of judgment, you're going to get that help from a shrink.

Keep the malice flowing.


Nigeria Kwenu!!!

hmmm, dis thread smells too fishy.

@ Big Sis,

Does your Stat imply that Nigerians are paper scammers? and the parents too are culprit? I read that with ignorance and admit it that you never said that.

@ Thread Author,

If you really love your man, go for him, tell him you are dame sorry, and you now realised all your great faults. If possible, get few Nigerian men you know around him to do part of the begging, or any of his relation (family members) you know around to send your messange across to him that you really love and care for him.

Generally, some Nigerian men, though not restricted to Nigerian men alone, any man would be mad seeing his lady floating around. I bet you, he will go mad. The fact that you helped him on his papers are not enough reasons for cheating on him or something especially when he proposed marriage and you both already got a kid. But is ok, we don't need to start blaming you, or dishing out blames, the way forward is what you need.

Go for him, his your man, if he really loves you, he will forgive you and you too on your own part must make him see a new person in you. The American culture is a decent one, so is the Nigerian culture, so be yourself, be good to him, prove to him you are repentant and you will discover that the Nigerian man, is the most wonderful man around in any community or region.

And if you need us to do a mass plea to his email address, I segoye2 can raise around 1200 persons to email him, to forgive you. We are ready to help you all through.

Long live Nigeria.