@OP,Ur in-laws have come and gone,house is urs,now u can protect urself from verbal abuse by controlling who comes to ur house.
Ur husband obviously cheats,are u ready to forgive him?
You have played blind enough,tell him that YOU know hes a cheat.
Insist on both of u going for std tests.
Go the extra mile of spicing up ur s3x life.try new stuffs.

mutter:



How cute!!!
Well I guess I have to start roaming around searching my husband`s personal belongings. Screening his phone etc to get down to earth
The fact that one is married does not mean that privacy should be invaded.

mutter in your world a woman checking her husbands phone is worse than a husband cheating on his wife and possibly fathering a child outside of the marriage. I can check my husbands phone if I want and he can look through my phone if he very well chooses. My phone does not stay locked and neither does his. If I feel the need to I will look through my husbands phone and if I could I would even search his brain. She suspected something so she went looking. There is nothing wrong with that. In your world it is better to be blissfully ignorant. Some people choose to be proactive and do something about their situation. You can not change what you do not acknowledge. At least now she has proof and she can now say she is not having a discussion on cheating based on a hunch

No outstrip in my world I do not have to invade my husbands privacy neither does he invade mine.
I think we are close enough to know when something is cooking.
And my dear, if I suspect my husband of being unfaithful, I really do not give a damn with whom or if she is pregnant. It suffices that he is being unfaithful.
Now I and my husband agreed on certain things when we got married and faithfulness was one of the important issues.
My husband made it clear to me that he would end the marriage abruptly if he discovered i was being unfaithful and I made it clear to him that I was not a jealous woman, but the day I found out that he was unfaithful to me that would be the last day we shared the same bed.
I have kids and I will never expose myself to a health risk because a man cannot be faithful.
Now when has that kind of invasion ever stopped the man from doing what he wanted to?
It is obvious that he still persists in what he is doing and is only heaping her with a bundle of lies.
What I am telling you is that the approach is wrong.
She should invest that energy in doing concrete things to make the man love her and want to give himself only to her.
My dear you need to read the woman's post very well and see the relationship between the problem with the in laws and the ex girlfriend.
It was when the poster started getting into fights with the family and then even went as far as expecting the man to turn against his family that the problems started.
Se has admitted that the man was on her side more or less but she was not satisfied that his role was passive.
So by nagging and putting fire on his behind she drove him to the arms of a woman that was showing him understanding.
By increasing her nagging and control she is only aggravating the issue.

thanks to all for the advice.

well at least you guys are talking. I feel he is not telling the whole truth but I think you should keep talking. He might be confused and maybe he thinks fessing up will make you think of him as less than a man. If you love him then work on it. It will get better. I know people who went through the same thing you are going through and you will not believe the great marriages they have today. There is a particular couple I know who went through something similar. She changed the locks in the house and he did not see her and the children for three months. He finally came clean but if you see them together today you will just be disgusted at their display of affection. LOL. Always sucking each others face and holding hands like 16 year old teenagers. They made it work for them but he was very repentant. I wish the same for you too.

bogoshipo:

thanks to all for the advice.

@mutter
u have it all wrong. i went looking because i lost confidence in him, i do not expect him to turn against his family. but i have a strong family man in my dad, i just felt he did not handle the situation as my dad would. my dad is the best father and husband i know. not the typical skirt chasing naija husband. so my fault here is that i compare his reactions to things with my dad. my husband is aware of this fault.

MS 101:NEVER EVER compare your husband with ANY MAN,worst of all your father
Are you nutsGirl you need to do a lot of soul searching,from what you wrote,your husband may be surpressing so much negative feeling arising from those comparisons,could this be part of the reason he sought for another listening ear to confide in since the one he's supposed to have is the same one driving him nuts with nerve wracking and friction inducing comparisons with your dad .


BTW:MS stands for Male Psychology

Outstrip:

well at least you guys are talking. I feel he is not telling the whole truth but I think you should keep talking. He might be confused and maybe he thinks fessing up will make you think of him as less than a man. If you love him then work on it. It will get better.

Obviously from all the comparisons with her dad,the husband may be unsure of his ego.@ OP has to let her husband know; in words and actions that her hubby is the most important and most valuable man in her life and that she'd stand by him always.She MUST tell him that she'd never compare him with her dad anylonger,and that anytime he has anything on his mind,he should feel free to share same with her and that she wont think any less of him.This is the ONLY thing that will heal the man's bruised ego and enable him to truly stop seeking for listening ears outside and truly see his wife as his confidant and worthy ally

I don't know any other definition of Ex except what it is. If you cannot permanentely and completely erace your past escapes, I'm sorry you have a problem. one needs to channel all those energy to the present relationship. Don't forget the word "TEMPTATION", even God was tempted. Why take the risk if you really want to move on?

bogoshipo:

thanks to all for the advice.

@mutter
u have it all wrong. i went looking because i lost confidence in him, i do not expect him to turn against his family. but i have a strong family man in my dad, i just felt he did not handle the situation as my dad would. my dad is the best father and husband i know. not the typical skirt chasing naija husband. so my fault here is that i compare his reactions to things with my dad. my husband is aware of this fault. i went looking after this family incident happened 2 months ago, it was then that i discovered the 300+ text messages in 2010


we had a fight today. he is frustrated with me, says i was never happy in the marriage and do not care about him. that i'm calling him a criminal when he knows he has not stolen. he wants me to tell him what he can do to make me happy. but cannot tell me anything other than there was nothing going on with the ex. although the explanations sound crazy, but it the truth. i asked about the val's day sim crash he elected to call her and put her on speakers. i said no. but insisted he call the ex and tell her that i'm demanding to know what the they were texting about last yr.

he says he misses me, but i cannot get myself to get over this. he says it is all in my mind that i have decided to be unhappy in the marriage. at this point i do not know what to believe.  i love my husband and he loves me very much too. now i know love is not enough. this is our first major fight, i'm afraid we might not make it out. maybe i wasn't ready for marriage either. i'm someone that has never resolved an issue in a relationship before. i have never stayed long in a relationship, this is my longest .

You should have called his bluff and let him call her. I can bet he would have said you dont trust him. It is for your peace of mind that you find out the truth of the relationship, instead of letting him play mind games with you. I sense that you have gotten hysterical about this situation and have been nagging him. Get yourself together, find out the truth of the nature of the relationship by all means. It is when you know what you are dealing with you can decide how to solve the problem. If it means calling the ex into the issue. There and then you can tell her you do not want the relationship between her and your husband as you are not comfortable with it. I sense you are weak to your husband's wiles. Just stop being emotional and easily malleable. Just find out the truth and decide where to go from there. Challenge him to back up his claims, you want to hear from the ex. I am sure she would not take too likely to someone denying her if they are having a relationship. He has already broken your trust by lying about not being first to contact her and deleting the messages. If they were harmless, you should be able to read it. It is not about being insecure, or lacking trust. If you leave this issue unresolved, it will eat up the relationship and cause bigger problems. Be proactive about your relationship.

tooo many effing hypocrits on nl
the women will advice u to be prayerful and remain loving cos they r all in the same sh-it boat sailing to port doom---misery likes company, the more the merrier in this doomed fellowship of misery

and of cos the men will ask u to remain loving and be prayerful cos they all partake in this shameful dance of lies, cheating, disrespect and taking the p-i=ss, dont be d goat seeking advice from a lion on how to become a vegetarian and ending up in its belly-------shiiiiiiiiiiittttttttttttt

alot of naija men n women make my skin crawl---the men take piss takin to extrems---while the women take long suffering to a diff stratosphere-----my friend says am too harsh-----i say telling a man i wont put up with nonsense rubish isnt being harsh---am old enof to know wat i want shikena n if u cant be a decent human being u can shove off----no trainers allowed in this club, thats the rule, if u dont like it, u can sod off to the pub

walahi b4 i will allow a man threat me like a goat, i will already be threating him like a cockroach, blazay is right, u cld do wiv a boyfriend or two

if u cant leave the ring and u dont want to die in the ring, then u better start fighting and giving as good as u get---

IGNORE all distractions in form of GF,Relatives, Anger n co.
Concentrate on your marriage, I donot think your man is a monster,he is just ojukokuro. Deal with that by keeping your money in a strong hold and become helpless with him,depend on him to open the sugarcan, ask him money to buy little things like biscuits.
I think miss ex is using the I cannot cope without u script while u are using the independent lady script. In your hubby case he sees himself as the knight to save a damsel.
If you are slim, dress to kill use his money to buy the trendy fashion to turn heads, simple exercise to tighten bum and great bra.
Cook him his best meals, burn scented candles,play nice music,Lower your voice to a sultry level when speaking to him , do all this to catch money and chase away your distractors. You will get him for his indiscretion in future. For now your need a proper strategy to resell yourself to him as you need me on your side.
He married you !!!

For whatever it's worth, the OP never caught her husband in sexual affairs with other women. However, the fact that he exchanged LOTS of text msgs and spends alot of his time online chatting up other ladies suggests that there is something fundamentally going south in your marriage. Did you folks date for long? Did you engage in activities together? No excuses for this behaviour but instead of wasting your time checking his phone, spend you energy finding the rootcause and fixing it if you are still interested in the marriage. I tend to agree with Mutter's posts; unfortunately, most ladies miss the point and would rather chase their tails. I do not condone cheating but when you centre your marriage (or relationship) on your partner being unfaithful, you are asking for trouble. 4 out of ever 5 persons will tell you that they value trust in their relationship. What most fail to realise is that trust is not a switch that you can turn on. Trust is developed and there are a few ways to enhance its development - openess, good communication and working/playing together are ingredients for a successful relationship. Unfortunately, sneaking up on your spouse is not on the list.

@OP, I'm assuming your husband goes to work in the day. So what time does he have to sit, and do webcam chats and exchange several text messages in the evening with you around? Perhaps you are doing you own thing (and he is chatting up with others or you folks just bore each other) and you spend less time bonding together. Even during val's day, a few folks spend it going for dinners, parties, etc what were you folks doing that he had time to exchange a few messages? It seems to me that you folks are living in same house but growing apart gradually. You need to invest your time in understanding your husband (same with him).

Another thing you (and most people) ignore is your pregnancy. Women tend to "push" their husbands away when they are pregnant and men react differently to the push. Some men end up "s3xless" for weeks to months and they cannot even touch the wife because she gets easily irritated. I dunno if this is your case but there's something making your husband bored and you folks need to rekindle that spark. Yeah, love is not everything in a marriage, but it is love that make you look at the bigger picture rather than chase your tail. I find it odd that you easily packed your bag at your first "major" fight; no wonder your hubby was untruthful (no excuses). Most people tend to "sweep" issues under the carpet if they sense their partner will not take the "issue" well. Maybe he started out by wanting to genuinely help his ex in a difficult situation but as time went on, a combination of things (boredom, etc) made communication outside his home more exciting. Possible scenerio.  You folks need to sit together and air your frustrations; you may be suprised that the dude has alot of reservations. Again, I'm not saying what he did is right although personally, I do not think communicating with an ex is a big deal as far as my partner is aware. 300 msgs in a short period of time is excessive.

As for your husband standing tall against his folks on your behalf, every man approaches this differently. Your dad may bark back, while your brother or husband may see it as inconsequential and smile it off. The latter may not be your preferred reaction but that does not make one better than the other. Comparing your spouse to other spouses or your father is the height of fo0lishness (no offence). Every relationship is unique and you folks should spend the early years building your life together rather than making comparisons. Your post suggests that this is your husband's first marriage so he is on a new terrain, just as you are. Your father is more of a veteran, so comparing your husband's reaction to your father's, is quite unfair. I'm sure you'd flip if he said he lost confidence because he thought he married a home maker like his mother.

Lastly, you need to call his bluff and talk to the ex in his presence simply to ask her who owns the pregnancy. Apart from that, you have no business with the ex. Before you proceed, you need to decide your next cause of action if the pregnancy is his; if you you may not be able to handle the truth then do not bother and hope for the best. Goodluck!

@poster
I am sorry to say but I still dont see any grounds to suspect cheating AT ALL and all this suspicion (and your insecurities) is the very ground for all your troubles. Yes he had contact with his ex which he still is a friend to (so far as we know) your insecurities makes you believe that there is more while NOTHING points to that. Is it a crime to turn to exes for advices etc?
I fully understand why he would delete the messages and lie about it all when you take any tiny excuses to pack out the house.

He married YOU, didn't he?! so stop being insecure and accept that spouse are allowed to have conversations with exes.
Some women are just so funny. . . . . . is having female friends a crime?! Is staying in contact with your ex a crime?!

At least ONE thing is certain, there is no TRUST in this marriage!

Dear OP,

Your Hubby definitely still has something going on with this lady so contrary to majority of the advice on board, YOUR HUSBAND DID NOT MARRY YOU, HE DID NOT CHOOSE YOU, YOU WERE JUST A MEANS TO AN END TO PLUG THE GAP/FILL THE HOLE THE EX-FIANCEE LEFT BEHIND AFTER RIPPING OUT HIS HEART. He only married you because his ex-fiancee refused to follow him to Nigeria, so you married a guy who was and is still carrying a burning roaring flame for his ex-fiancee, THE ONE THAT GOT AWAY. You know this hence reason you have never trusted him fully from day one (Commonsense shoulda dictated to him that if someone claims to love you, they should be willing to go to the ends of the earth and back for you, not play out the fears accrued based on hearsays they have been told about your Country and its woes, so he should have dropped her like a hot potato, but I guess his love for her has beclouded his senses of reasoning and logic)


Yes you unwittingly roped yourself into a "contract" marriage to fill in the void she left behind, but all is not lost, what has happened has happened, you are not the first this would be happening to and you would not be the last. You are in this now, if you want to remain married to him and if he still wants the same thing as you, he needs to let go of his hold on his ex so his heart can heal and only then can he let you in. You are hurting too because you have been carrying this thought that you are the second fiddle in his life since you married him, but to heal yourself, you need answers, you need closure so he has to be prepared to bare his soul.


Follow Tewmuch's advise to the[i] tee[/i] and like my latest e-conquest Delta007 said - talk to the lady to find out who really owns the pregnancy. I am sure you have heard 1 in 7 men are unknowingly raising children whom their wives have passed off as theirs . . .


You have only just recently compared him to your Dad, so no lasting emotional damage could have been afflicted on him yet, but desist from doing this, nothing kills a man's ego faster and you would only be giving him more ammunition to be comparing you to his ex-fiancee. With regards to your inlaws, they only stepped outta line when you invited them into your territory, so as long as you lay off further invitations for now, put their issues on the backburner and deal with this other pressing potential co-babymama drama about to unfurl. Hopefully not though.

@busy body
I think you missed the part were the husband told his ex straight from the beginning that he would never marry her THUS this whole love etc is purely imagination.
So far as we all know, poster IS the one that simply has issues aka demons of her own.
We can all SPECULATE about ifs and maybes but the facts remain that there are absolutely no proofs of infidelity.
Is it "get at husbands" day?!

Btw: does any man who had a great relationship with their ex and still remains close to her AUTOMATICALLY makes him a future cheater? Some men out there have morals, you know?
What about if he simply lied to have peace and quiet at home from insecure wifey who has packed bags ready at all times? YES he handled the whole incident poorly but that's his only crime(so far as we know).

Ladies, please, let's not be too quick to judge and sentence this guy(and their marriage) for having a FRIEND.

@ mrbrownjay

MrBrownJay

MRbrownJAY:

@busy body
I think you missed the part were the husband told his ex straight from the beginning that he would never marry her THUS this whole love etc is purely imagination.
So far as we all know, poster IS the one that simply has issues aka demons of her own.
We can all SPECULATE about ifs and maybes but the facts remain that there are absolutely no proofs of infidelity.
Is it "get at husbands" day?!

Btw: does any man who had a great relationship with their ex and still remains close to her AUTOMATICALLY makes him a future cheater? Some men out there have morals, you know?
What about if he simply lied to have peace and quiet at home from insecure wifey who has packed bags ready at all times? YES he handled the whole incident poorly but that's his only crime(so far as we know).

Ladies, please, let's not be too quick to judge and sentence this guy(and their marriage) for having a FRIEND.

See below:

bogoshipo:

thank u all for the advice
clarifications:

. . . . he did not marry her just because she's akata and could not see herself living in naija.

Besides if he had nothing to hide why lie he only contacted her to help them get discounted babyfood which has never materialised till date

And yeah not all men who still keep in touch with their exes have something going on with them but this story get k-leg somehow.

@bogoshipo
You seem to have a great husband, don't be misled by your fantasies of foul play.
Your husband told you that the TIME at which your ex sent you the msg was inapropriate, not staying in contact, right?
What is the purpose of contacting your ex again?! Women you are amazing, adding fuel to an explosive situation (I wonder what are your true motives here?!).
You have no trust/respect for your union doing such thing. Its an eye for an eye simply because he happens to have a great friendship that seems to bother you a great deal.

Btw: is it a crime to be bored from being home alone working all day and chatting with strangers online?!

Even ME, being at the other side of the world (and not knowing you), you are scaring me so I do feel sorry for the man who has to share a bed with you everynight.

If you are really fed up of this union then be serious about it, pack your bags and NEVER look back again because unknowingly, you've made your hubby ready and well prepared for that day. . . . . . . But if its only attention you are seeking then BEWARE of the consequences of your actions.

@busy body
Yes this story definitely has K X and Y legs because, from her initial post, his ex's ethnicity was the reason he wouldnt/couldn't marry her.

MRbrownJAY:

@busy body
Yes this story definitely has K X and Y legs because, from her initial post, his ex's ethnicity was the reason he wouldnt/couldn't marry her.

ROFL, which one be X and Y leg again

bogoshipo:

. . . i also have an ex he was and stillis in love with me. we were good friends, he would come to me about issues with his girlfriend, the conversation always ended with him saying how much he misses me. i cut off communication with him after i got married. there was a time while in bed with my husband at about 11pm or so i received a text from him, my husband read it and said it was inappropriate to be getting texted at that time of the night from an ex, so my husband is fully aware of inappropriate behaviors. the text was a simple" how r u doing"

anyway yesterday, i sent my ex and email on fb requesting for his number, he gave it me and said he's been thinking about me and has been wanting to call, but wanted to let things be. i intend to let my husband know this sometime today.

Of course this is what most exes talks about whenever they call each other. Before you know it, the convo would have deviated into I miss you y'know/You are the one I should have married/I am the one you should have had your first and second baby for/If you say yes even at this late stage i will call off my five year engagement to my fiancee/etc Unrequited love, obssession, dangerous territory

vivaladiva:

tooo many effing hypocrits on nl
the women will advice u to be prayerful and remain loving cos they r all in the same sh-it boat sailing to port doom---misery likes company, the more the merrier in this doomed fellowship of misery

and of cos the men will ask u to remain loving and be prayerful cos they all partake in this shameful dance of lies, cheating, disrespect and taking the p-i=ss, dont be d goat seeking advice from a lion on how to become a vegetarian and ending up in its belly-------shiiiiiiiiiiittttttttttttt

alot of naija men  n women make my skin crawl---the men take piss takin to extrems---while the women take long suffering to a diff stratosphere-----my friend says am too harsh-----i say telling a man i wont put up with nonsense rubish isnt being harsh---am old enof to know wat i want shikena n if u cant be a decent human being u can shove off----no trainers allowed in this club, thats the rule, if u dont like it, u can sod off to the pub

walahi b4 i will allow a man threat me like a goat, i will already be threating him like a cockroach, blazay is right, u cld do wiv a boyfriend or two

if u cant leave the ring and  u dont want to die in the ring, then u better start fighting and giving as good as u get---

Whao!!! No comment!

bogoshipo:

@ mrbrownjay
u made me smile by saying i have demons of my own. that is pretty much what he's been saying to me. that i'm crazy for twisting everything. he works from home. spends a lot of time in his home office. he rarely leaves home, so i use to think i was lucky only to find out he does whatever he does right under my nose at home. most of the days i found he was chatting or texting, i was home. he occasionally goes to club, did that probably 3-4 times last yr. i work 3 days a week but long hrs. 

he said i was crazy for even suggesting he owns the pregnancy. he has NEVER cheated on me. i honestly do not think he has done anything physically yet, at least that is what i want to believe , i think this is more of an emotional affair, he says capital no to that as well.

i also have an ex he was and stillis  in love with me. we were good friends, he would come to me about issues with his girlfriend, the conversation always ended with him saying how much he misses me. i cut off communication with him after i got married. there was a time while in bed with my husband at about 11pm or so i received a text from him, my husband read it and said it was inappropriate to be getting texted at that time of the night from an ex, so my husband is fully aware of inappropriate behaviors. the text was a simple" how r u doing"

anyway yesterday, i sent my ex and email on fb requesting for his number, he gave it me and said he's been thinking about me and has been wanting to call, but wanted to let things be. i intend to let my husband know this sometime today.

until he honestly tells me why he lied or intentionally misled me into believing he was not communicating with his ex, why he deleted all messages, why his sim card choose to crash on val's day, there will be no peace. at this point i really don't care anymore. there nothing i hate more than being lied to and then trying to make it seem as if i'm crazy.

hahahahahahahah lol

Two can play the game, right? smh

I comment my reserve I reserve my comment

yet another one.

i am beginning to think no nigerian marriage is happy these days. it's always cheating, in-laws, poverty and child barrenness. what is going on in nigeria?

You were lied to quite alright but you seem to listen to only what you want to hear. So, what if he tells you he was flirting with his ex and  he deleted the msgs just because he did not want you to see them? What would you do? What would that change, really? I can see why a man would want to hide things from you. Take a look at the bigger picture.

Let me give you a piece of advice, feel free to take it. Every relationship has its challenges and nobody is perfect in a relationship; so yeah, you got your own demons as well; you may feel your demons no strong reach him own but that does not matter. What matters is that your demons are conflicting and you are refusing to work it out because you want to see the content of some frigging text message. Are you for real? Do not believe in all those fairy tale relationships. There are always "fights" and every wise woman (and man) would use the fight as an opportunity to strengthen the relationship, not tear it apart even further. In your own wisdom, your husband is on the wrong; even he has admitted it. So why take the position, "there will be no peace, blah blah blah"?

A more rational person would ask, how do we proceed from here? If you cant move on with the relationship, then cut your losses and move on with your life. If you take this option, then I can only tell you that you are not ready for life yet, however, it is your choice.  Every man seem to have a darkside even your ex who you are beginning to think is a saint. You forget, there's a reason your ex is your ex. Remember, the grass is always greener.

On the other hand, if you want him to cut off all communications to his ex because of your insecurity as a condition to move on, then let him know that. Why deprive yourself of peace when you can easily move on? Opening up communications with your ex simply because you want to get back at your husband is simply childish.  If you are not careful, in the end, your egos will screw your relationship the more that the scars will never heal. Only you know how good your husband has been to you over the last 2yrs. Only you know if the relationship is worth fighting for. Now, if he straightens out and is able to work out his demons with YOUR help and your relationship in even better, who benefits? In 10yrs time, will this issue at hand matter? If it wouldnt, why sweat the small stuff?

Again, if most of the messages were sent while you were home, then like I said earlier, something is fundamentally wrong with your relationship. There are 24hrs in a day and I got a really tight schedule. The few hours I spend home, I cant imagine myself wasting it on some broad I have no future with _{except BB}  

bogoshipo:

@ mrbrownjay
u made me smile by saying i have demons of my own. that is pretty much what he's been saying to me. that i'm crazy for twisting everything. he works from home. spends a lot of time in his home office. he rarely leaves home, so i use to think i was lucky only to find out he does whatever he does right under my nose at home. most of the days i found he was chatting or texting, i was home. he occasionally goes to club, did that probably 3-4 times last yr. i work 3 days a week but long hrs.

he said i was crazy for even suggesting he owns the pregnancy. he has NEVER cheated on me. i honestly do not think he has done anything physically yet, at least that is what i want to believe , i think this is more of an emotional affair, he says capital no to that as well.

i also have an ex he was and stillis in love with me. we were good friends, he would come to me about issues with his girlfriend, the conversation always ended with him saying how much he misses me. i cut off communication with him after i got married. there was a time while in bed with my husband at about 11pm or so i received a text from him, my husband read it and said it was inappropriate to be getting texted at that time of the night from an ex, so my husband is fully aware of inappropriate behaviors. the text was a simple" how r u doing"

anyway yesterday, i sent my ex and email on fb requesting for his number, he gave it me and said he's been thinking about me and has been wanting to call, but wanted to let things be. i intend to let my husband know this sometime today.

until he honestly tells me why he lied or intentionally misled me into believing he was not communicating with his ex, why he deleted all messages, why his sim card choose to crash on val's day, there will be no peace. at this point i really don't care anymore. there nothing i hate more than being lied to and then trying to make it seem as if i'm crazy.

*Cougar*:

yet another one.

i am beginning to think no nigerian marriage is happy these days. it's always cheating, in-laws, poverty and child barrenness. what is going on in nigeria?

It is getting really worse Methinks that prophesy about in the last days 7 ladies will be fighting over one man has a lot to do with this explosion of marriage na do or die

bogoshipo:



. . . he says he misses me, but i cannot get myself to get over this. he says it is all in my mind that i have decided to be unhappy in the marriage. at this point i do not know what to believe.  i love my husband and he loves me very much too. now i know love is not enough. this is our first major fight, i'm afraid we might not make it out. maybe i wasn't ready for marriage either. i'm someone that has never resolved an issue in a relationship before. i have never stayed long in a relationship, this is my longest .

From this, I think the baby is not his and this has butressed the fact that the lady has moved on and he is finally accepting defeat and wanting to move on too, but he is too weak to do it on his own hence reason he is kinda pushing you to do the deed, offering to call the girl infront of you, knowing the only answer the girl will give is "there is nothing between us".


With regards to the last line of this post, I had this defectionist mentality too and used to get out of relationship quickly too because at the back of my mind, I keep thinking the guy is going to leave anyway and it was only a matter of when, so I used to push them away before anything serious developed. This is a different ballgame, you have plunged headlong into this, you are now married and you are in it already and it is not as simple as packing your bags and leaving. You are expected to work at it, not bolt at the first hurdle so you need to work with your Husband on making things work,  and revenging by starting something with your ex is deffo not it

Busy_body:


It is getting really worse Methinks that prophesy about in the last days [b]7 ladies will be fighting over one man [/b]has a lot to do with this explosion of marriage na do or die

This is your most honest post. (if you continue like this, you might soon leave yaba left)

Very very true. . . at least you know how many of you are fighting over me.

Busy_body:


ROFL, which one be X and Y leg again

that one is when the story goes one ¨funny¨direction and then along the way goes to a complete different one without notice and as you are settling on that new direction, here comes other changes and drama, lol.

My sister marriage is not come chop.but i will advice u to work on ur husband first then every otherthing will sort itself out.dont bother about checking his fone cos i bet u dat if u work on ur man he will definately turn his attention all to u.as for his family,dont bother ur head about dat at just dont harden ur mind towards ur husband.

I can't believe what I'm reading here. Poster, a lot of the blame is yours. Here is a man that treats you well and you are the envy of a lot of people. But because he did not handle the issue with his relatives the way you had it in your head, you started causing troubles. Must he handle it exactly the way you want?

Well guess what, a man simply wants peace. The moment you start making things unbearable for your husband, the easiest way to get past all that is to talk to other women. Point blank!!

Then you want on a binge of checking his phones etc, Well, you are only creating heartache for yourself. Nothing you have posted indicated that he cheated on you and his utterances convince me further that he did not cheat on you. So he sent a few text messages, oh well!! That's the only way we men know how to deal with things when someone is causing us unnecessary stress.

My advice to you, GET OVER IT. I can tell that you are melodramatic and this causes major harm in a relationship. The man even came to beg you when you left the house. Heaven forbid I ever beg a woman that leaves my house for no significant reason.

If you don't want your husband to cheat on you, stop stressing him with all your drama. Simple and Short!! if you've read a lot of threads in this Family forum, you will know a lot of people will give a lot to be in your current position.

thanks all for the advice,

bogoshipo:

thanks all for the advice,
@busybody. according to my husband he told the ex from the first day that he was not gonna marry her no matter how good she is. he wanted someone from his state(calabar), if not any naija, then any african, akata was always gonna be last option. he said that is what he prayed for. but this girl turn out to be really nice, he used those questions to remind her and himself what he said from the beginning. he ended the relationship when the girl insisted on marriage. we speak the same language.
@delta
i really sincerely would like to move on, this happenned in jan, i have tried. but each time i think about the excuses he gave me i find myself back in square one.
sometimes i look at him and feel bad, but the anger inside is not allowing me to move on. He pushed the wrong button. lying about something that involves a. girl never works with me. i have never stayed with a guy who did that. if i stay in this marriage, this will be the first. i was actually on my way to moving on untill those 19 text messages happenned on val's day. i was home, he went shopping for me and the baby. he promised not to delete any messages. i'm at this point beacause of the sim card excuse.

the 300+ messages was from jan to dec. i went back to look, i noticed he initiated most of it. all i want is for him to admit to something, then we will go from there. i know i will not be be able to move on with those excuses stuck in my head.
 
he

Get over it. The vast majority of men will do the same when being subjected to unnecessary stress. He did not cheat on you. If you think the grass is greener on the other side, leave your husband and go marry another man. I promise you 100% you will be back in this forum singing the same song. You women really have no idea how men operate. I've told you the pure unadulterated truth, you can do whatever you like with it. By the way, 99% of married men I know cheat on will cheat on their wives if the right opportunity presents itself. You can increase the urge for men to cheat by subjecting them to unnecessary stress. So if you think the grass is greener on the other side, please feel free to leave your husband.

In life, there's a first time for everything. Marriage and dating are two different ball game; so do not make the mistake of allowing your ego get in the way of reason. Marriage makes everyone, including you, vulnerable. It's as simple as that. As a single guy, there were things I never tolerated from any lady I dated. As a married man, I just turn a blind eye; not worth the hassle. Compromising does not make you weak, it only contributes to making your relationship (marriage) stronger.

Quite frankly, I do not get your infatuation with trying to see the content of the messages. You already moved out for just knowing that he was in constant communication with his ex and other ladies; only God knows what you'd do when you eventually see (or know) the content. He was untruthful; he was not open; he was involved in other inappropriate incidences and he does not deny it and he has apologised. So why dig a grave to kill your relationship/marriage? Truth is, most men will never admit anything even if you catch them in bed with a mistress; that's how it is and you'd not get a cookie even if you try to reverse that trend. Like I said earlier, the dude probably know you more than you know yourself; no wonder he sees the woman outside easier and sweeter to talk to than his own darling wife. It's no excuse for an inappropriate behaviour but if you want to have a loving home, you need to invest in yourself and make it exciting enough that your husband will yearn to be with you every spare second (same goes for the guy). You seem alot more uptight; "loosen up" and enjoy the marriage ride. It can be as lovely as you want it to be. This is small fish to fry; wait till the baby comes then you'd appreciate a supportive husband the more.

My last word: Suprise him, move back in and play some reverse psychology. Apologise that you moved out and explain that you were hurt. Then, watch him pour his heart out and promise never to over step his boundary. Then, you folks can discuss how you want to move forward. If you show any sign of anger, the purpose is defeated. You need to work on your anger. One mistake you seem to be making is overate your feelings over his. You need to fiind out why he prefers chatting with other ladies outside and correct it. Again, this does not absolve him, but you have to play your part and hope he does make amends. I think he will, !

bogoshipo:

thanks all for the advice,
@busybody. according to my husband he told the ex from the first day that he was not gonna marry her no matter how good she is. he wanted someone from his state(calabar), if not any naija, then any african, akata was always gonna be last option. he said that is what he prayed for. but this girl turn out to be really nice, he used those questions to remind her and himself what he said from the beginning. he ended the relationship when the girl insisted on marriage. we speak the same language.
@delta
i really sincerely would like to move on, this happenned in jan, i have tried. but each time i think about the excuses he gave me i find myself back in square one.
sometimes i look at him and feel bad, but the anger inside is not allowing me to move on. He pushed the wrong button. lying about something that involves a. girl never works with me. i have never stayed with a guy who did that. if i stay in this marriage, this will be the first. i was actually on my way to moving on untill those 19 text messages happenned on val's day. i was home, he went shopping for me and the baby. he promised not to delete any messages. i'm at this point beacause of the sim card excuse.

the 300+ messages was from jan to dec. i went back to look, i noticed he initiated most of it. all i want is for him to admit to something, then we will go from there. i know i will not be be able to move on with those excuses stuck in my head.

he