Na only God go help some people, all they can do is to disregard nigerian men like us, well i no for sure that God knows, thats why he has allowed us to suffer first before we get the enjoyment in life, even as hard as our economy is, marriages are still working here, more people here in nigeria are still with their wives and the wives are not complaining, even when they do, they know how to manage the crisis, go and manage your home, or better still follow your usual way of life in the western world, divorce him and marry more men, you don't know what you want, thats what i feel about all these issues,
   everyone in the western world always complain about nigeria, nigerian things, nigerian lifestyle, o man, people, we bi star ooh,  we are too much, all i want now is to hear that Nigerian men are terrorist planning to blow up all the airports in the uk, us and other european countries, 
   we are the most patient men in the world with all thats going on in nigeria, we still wake up in the morning and hoping everything would be okay,  we marry each other, give birth and then still in the marriage,  all the people i know in the planet earth that are in nigeria and that are nigerians (married and yet to be married) are still married for better for worst and those that are not want to be married,  so if you think you are not okay with a nigerian man, go and marry white men that likes thresome, infielity and other sinful acts .
  at least we don't have thresome here in our marriages and the other one is very rare here in nigeria .

fromuk:

why are you retreating you first condenmed the guy because he is a nigerian, the truth of the whole thing is that the poster is not irish.

Where on this thread have I condemned him?

Please show me evidence!

well maybe the person didnt mean you, are the poster of the trend?

honeric01:

well maybe the person didnt mean you, are the poster of the trend?

He quoted my post so the receiver is quite clear!

i bet he did

hello leilah,about divorce,i dont know how long you guys have been married but i believe in tryin to make things work with all the resources you have.especailly your marriage! i have been told that white people have little respect for marital values, please dont make me believe it, at least you havent said anything about the problems you had that you tried to solve and didnt work! something else, nigerian men are great people and equal to men from other parts of the world.the same rules apply to all of them.there is no special advice on trying to get rid of them, but plenty on how to make up , anyway,take your time ,pray over this and trust God to work things out the best way.

@poster: do you really want to divorce your husband or not? I'm getting mixed signals here, it makes me wonder if you're actually even married.

If you need a divorce, see a lawyer.

The reason why I was contemplating a divorce was becuase I do not have the qualities of ngozie. As a naija man when he straightens himself out ie obtains his passport surely he will be fed up of me, a white lady! not to say I am fed up with him b'coz I love him to death I just don't wanna get a hard hit down the line. i am not pointing to finger at all naija men, but the reason why nigerian and western marriage does not work is because of the cultural differences. I am willing to be anything to make it work thats why I am here to see if there some advice on offer on how I can actually become like ngozie, seriously

Sorry,i really have to made myself clear. I was THINKING of obtaining a divorce in my heart that is not what I want I do not have any evidence to suggest he is gonna leave me only that fact that when I married him he had no papers at all. he took me to Abuja and we married there we have been very happy he really is a wonderful dad but sometimes in my heart I feel its all too good to be true. I have put this to him about how I feel and the fact that I am obviously not of an ngozie quality. He says to me to stop that if he wanted an ngozie he would go get one but really- what else is he supposed to say

you're confused. You love him to death but you think in your heart you should get a divorce because you THINK he will dump you for an Ngozi after he gets his papers?

You want a divorce because you think things are too good to be true or you do have cultural differences? What kind of wife did this fellow get himself? Has he ever complained about u not meeting up to the standard of an ngozi (whoever that is)?

And who told you nigerian and western marriages dont work? Because u think yours wont work?

My dear just get a divorce and leave this chap, if you dont get the divorce now (because u allegedly love him to death) you willl still get it at some point down the liine. Spare him and let him go look for his ngozi abeg.

what is "Ngozie"?

i don't know why you're so confused . u are doing better than most naija ladies by the fact that u're cooking naija food, but why get paranoid over nothing? Don't u think u deserve him? I have had that problem with women in the past . Can't something just be perfect? Must u have complaints bout a man before u know that u're married or in a relationship?
My Dear u might end up making mistakes and eventually CONFIRMING YR WORST FEARS

@ poster

seems to me like you are unsecure. your secret fear is that he married you for papers? you want to beat him at his game before he gets those papers? those are the the vibes im getting.
you know the details.we dont. its possible he married you for love. have you thought about that? have you been reading threads on nairalanad about nigerian men marrying white women only for citizenships and residency cards? i know we have plenty of those. and they are quite hurtful.
well you know the situation. hope you make the decision best for you.

as to how to go about a divorce, i have no idea .i have never filed or petitioned for one!

I do not believe in divorce, the bible says what God has joined together let no man put assunder. Since you are Irish and your husband is Nigerian and he is living in Abuja. Are you sure he does not have other wives or another wife. If the answer is yes, find out if you are the first or second etc. If he has been married before, and met and married you then in the real sense of it you are not his wife and should move on with your life but if the opposite is the case--Try and find out what the real issue is with him, may be there are some things you are doing that he does not really like and vise versa--sit down and iron things out. Afterall a bird at hand is worth more than a million in the bush. How do you know the cycle will not repeat itself if you marry somebody else.

Check out your www.yourchristianzone.com to discuss with fellow christians about your situation.

Militia,
I could see your myopic understand of Nigerian men. “Nigerian men do not read newspapers" I wonder how many Nigerian women who read newspapers as compared with Nigerian men. If you have issues with "some” Nigerian men, don’t just put everybody in the same box. There are two sides to every divorce story. You even preempted the poster by labeling her husband " so called" Then again you migrated to paper issues without hearing from the poster the reason she is seeking for a divorce. You are sounding like someone who is over-confident that she is ahead of everyman (including her papa and brothers)
Westerners always complain of Nigerian men not acting like westerners, but how many times do Nigerian men complain that their western wives/girlfriends do not act like Nigerian women? Zero. A Nigerian dating a westerner does already have a mindset of how westerners behave and what they can’t do and can do, but westerners always want Nigerians to go above and beyond in order to meet their expectations their fellow country men cannot meet. If a Nigerian man breaks up with a lady in Manchester, she will tell the whole world that Nigerian men are heart breaker as if to say she was a “virgin’ when she met the Nigerian dude. Why did you not cry foul when your several western boyfriends left you? Oh! Maybe they had the visa for free entry and exit and Nigerian men are in for the rest of their lives. lol I don’t know why Nigerian men are not speaking up on how they have been mistreated by their western girlfriends/wives. I am tired of westerner always profiling Nigerians as if to say that someone is forcing them into a relationship. I wonder if Nigerian men go about looking for information on how to discredit their wives and girlfriends. Why all the fuss about paper when Europeans still marry for papers in UK. Besides, most of these folks know that some of these men do not have papers and will go ahead and marry them thinking that they will forever be their punch bags. Polish, Russians, Romanians still marry and file papers for their spouses with not qualms. Maybe they believe in “love" more than "papers”. It’s just like saying that Prince Harry's future wife may not marry him because of his royalty. Do Nigerian men tell their western spouses that they don’t really like women who smoke, do drugs, have kids, depend on government benefits? No, because they know that the society they live in does not frown at some of these vices, so they join the bandwagon.


good luck

adconline:

Militia,
I could see your myopic understand of Nigerian men. “Nigerian men do not read newspapers" I wonder how many Nigerian women who read newspapers as compared with Nigerian men. If you have issues with "some” Nigerian men, don’t just put everybody in the same box. There are two sides to every divorce story. You even preempted the poster by labeling her husband " so called" Then again you migrated to paper issues without hearing from the poster the reason she is seeking for a divorce. You are sounding like someone who is over-confident that she is ahead of everyman (including her papa and brothers)
Westerners always complain of Nigerian men not acting like westerners, but how many times do Nigerian men complain that their western wives/girlfriends do not act like Nigerian women? Zero. A Nigerian dating a westerner does already have a mindset of how westerners behave and what they can’t do and can do, but westerners always want Nigerians to go above and beyond in order to meet their expectations their fellow country men cannot meet. If a Nigerian man breaks up with a lady in Manchester, she will tell the whole world that Nigerian men are heart breaker as if to say she was a “virgin’ when she met the Nigerian dude. Why did you not cry foul when your several western boyfriends left you? Oh! Maybe they had the visa for free entry and exit and Nigerian men are in for the rest of their lives. lol I don’t know why Nigerian men are not speaking up on how they have been mistreated by their western girlfriends/wives. I am tired of westerner always profiling Nigerians as if to say that someone is forcing them into a relationship. I wonder if Nigerian men go about looking for information on how to discredit their wives and girlfriends. Why all the fuss about paper when Europeans still marry for papers in UK. Besides, most of these folks know that some of these men do not have papers and will go ahead and marry them thinking that they will forever be their punch bags. Polish, Russians, Romanians still marry and file papers for their spouses with not qualms. Maybe they believe in “love" more than "papers”. It’s just like saying that Prince Harry's future wife may not marry him because of his royalty. Do Nigerian men tell their western spouses that they don’t really like women who smoke, do drugs, have kids, depend on government benefits? No, because they know that the society they live in does not frown at some of these vices, so they join the bandwagon.


good luck

E don happen!
Which matter is for[b] me [/b] and which matter is for the[b] poster[/b]?   Oh boy ya letter long oh!  I cannot even sift through! he he he he he!  EEEEEEEEEEEEEE!  Hmmmm! The passionate nature of your "thesis" is very appreciated! Anything else?

Hello, I read Leilah's piece and feel really concerned.

Leilah, are you sure you want to divorce ur husband?

I'll advice you speak with a lawyer who'd review the circumstances and determine the applicable law and thereafter advise you on which court to file you application for divorce (called "Petition". I'm a lawyer working with a corporate body so I can't be of much assistance but then you can call me on +23418771123 or reach me through dibosa187@yahoo.com so I could link you up to one (thatz if you are serious)

@Leilah,
You can see how great Nigerians are, we know how to follow everything to make immobile stone respond to us. It seems you are now shifting from your earlier position. You told us, you want how to divorce your Nigerian husband period, no seeking of advise, nothing. But Nigerians have tried to tell you that If you think you're too small to be effective you have never been in bed with a mosquito, and that is why you have shifted to, what I want is, "if anybody can help me on how to become Ngozi to sustain my marriage." If you had told us this or given us a clear vision to know where to stand and what to stand for, we would have told you the life of our minds and hearts that will help you become like Ngozi i.e. Blessing to your husband. So, my sister, do not bother yourself for something that does not exist. You love your husband and he loves you too, so stop thinking of what is not happening now in order to keep the love moving and eventually your marriage. Nigerians love you.

Is like i am understanding the jist now.
@ the poster.
It appears you are loosing interest in the marriege gradually. You either hate this guy as a man or hate his character. He has not told you any thing bad. He has not asked you for divorce. He had not even quarrelled with you and you are suspecting an NGOZIE creeping into your marriage to destroy it. There is no NGOZIE at the corner. There seems to be any NGOZIE in the near future, why then do go on and manufature an imaginary NGOZIE to wrestle your marriage off from you.
You are alomost confused on what to do with yourself.
Pls, forgive yourself first, forgive every one you felt that have offended you. To hold this man forever, cook nice food for this man always even when he did not give you money, secondly satisfy him in bed constantly to ensure that he will not try out an NGOZIE. Look smart and clean any time. Be in good terms with his people and respect them. With this and more, you will win him forever.
Goodluck.

it is simple under our laws to divorce your husband if you feel that the marriage has broken down irretrievably and of course you have a right to so seek. you can get in touch with me on 08033331079 for further legal advice as appropriate.

Just as I was about to sympathise with you, I realized that you are confused and all you want is everybody's attention.

Not once did I hear you say anything bad about your husband. Are you perhaps looking for an excuse to duck and dive? Im starting to think that YOU are the one abusing him! And please white girl, Africans dont joke around with divorce like that. If you want out, STOP hiding behind a twig and just tell the man that you dont love him NO MORE!

And just by the way, STOP talking about AFRICANS as if they are lunatics! Who are the serial killers? Who are cannibals? If I have my facts right, I think I can proudly say WHITES!

Whats this fatalistic thing about some naija people?
someone wrote that her marriage is not working and pronto! vultures, who cannot even make thier relationship work offer her bad and terrible advice. How she needs to dump him before you say jack robinson.
Wetin pain me pass!! ( i have to write in pidgin english) is to cast Niaja guys in bad light (reference to giving him paper and him leaving her, )
Its a pity because most mis-informed people are the first to pass ill-thought about judgement.
Leila, My candid advice is to sit ur husband and talk. nothing beats talking. try to recapture the romance. There surely must be something that made u marry him in the first place. Dont just give up and stop listening to individuals that cant even keep a relationship and would make Romeo look a devil if he were alive today.
There a re many kind hearted Naija men and women and i dont think ur husband is inherently evil.
Every relationship has its own troubles and upheavels. Just work hard at it and u wont regret it. Forget the Ngozi stories as most so called Ngozis are not that subsevent. Just find a way to work through urs. Our mothers found a way to make thier marriages work without being so called Ngozis, They made our fathers respect them and love and cherish them. There surely must be a way to make ur husband see that u the relationship can still work
And what about you? yes, you. What are u doing now that u doing diferently, look at working through urself and work at making him see that ur relationship can still work.
Most people are ready to play ceaser and give you terrible advice. U need to visit them and see the shit they bear at home. yet they are ready to give u a whip and make u do something unpleasant. dont listen to them.
work at ur marriage and with all my heart, i wish it works for u. Peace

@sin
Please get the point, according to Leilah their marriage is already working well, they are alreay enjoying a happy marriage and there is nothing wrong in their marriage presently. She said the Naija man is quite lovely and nice to her, and there is no single fault to nail our Naija brother. It is the white girl (Leilah) who want to scuttle their happy home because of what she thinks will happen in future (feeling her husband might dump her for a Nigerian girl), which there is no sign of dumping her existing presently. It is based on this that people are angry with the poster because she has a kid by the man, and the man is so caring and loving, then why is she thinking negatively about what she has not seen any sign of it happening.

Are you for real? I don't believe you are as your story doesn't quite add up. You keep contradicting yourself!! You don't need anybody here to tell you what to do. If you want to stay with him then do, if not go down to Abuja and get the marriage certificate to file the divorce. You don't even need him to agree to it and it wouldn't cost you that much as you don't need legal representation.

Thank you very much everyone for your advice, in particular sin thank you also. I do not want to divorce. As regards his family his brothers wife lead me into extracting information for her from my own husband and because she was being 'maltreated' by her husband I helped her out on that only for her to hang me. Now, she is in the process of a divorce and she is nigerian it turned out she is very nasty after this and there has been a lot of things going on and his family are not happy with her. I no longer visit his family members here because of her, however I do speak to them on the phone. I feel like this incident and the fact that I gave her information has been the cause of my worries.

As regards our cultural differences I work 9 to 5 same hours as hubby. He cannot cook or clean I have addressed this issue for some time now and it goes nowhere so I am just going to overlook it. I open one drink at home once a week (usually on a Sat) but if I do I am a shameless woman so I can't do that anymore either, he drinks about four nights a week lying on the sofa watching football which I don't mind that much (I am not going to nag over these things) while I of course cook up dinner make him his lunch for work the next day and clean the kitchen etc, this is on a daily basis. I am happy if he is happy but sometimes I do get tired. life goes on.

well i bet you are just about opening
up the can of worm now, to talk about those things you pointed out even if you say you're not complaining, these are not unusual things to be done by a woman in the home when it comes African setting and even backed by the bible, go and read about a virtues woman in proverbs. if you xpect your hubby to do them,then you should xpect him to look for Ngozi.we in Africa respect & love our wives. prove otherwise

i dont concur. thats not fair at all. In the same bible, women did not work, they were house wives. Things are different now. They both work so he should HELP!!! I hate it when niger men bring up the fact that it is in the bible but look at it from the angle favouring them. Gosh!!! she works too!!!! A loving husband actually from the bibles perspective will help the wife! I am not saying he should do it all or that the lady shud not cook, all i am saying is that since they live in the same house together, he should help with the cleaning and cooking. Now thats a LOVING husband!!!!!

I don't expect him to cook he cannot do that anyway thats why I sought how to do it from others. I don't nag about it. I know the ngozie issue. You see what sometimes confuses me is that in africa in a usual setting lets say, the wife is the homemaker, the husband is the provider therefore he clothes them, dresses them and feeds them. In the west here well in my home the rent is 50 50 the food bills are 50 50 I purchase my own clothes etc.  I come home from work daily tired but I have to run around like there is a bee up my arse cleaning and cooking while he can sit on the sofa spraled out frinking cans of beer. What also annoys me is the lack of compromise here. I have pointed and I mean pointed this out before in a very nice indirect way that I was not naggin. I understand his culture and i am currently living by it and it is my choice to live by it. Lets put it this way, its a good way of loosong weight and keeping the ngozies away - joke I'll neva be able to shift dem away!!!

if he wants to do them, fine, i am not saying he shouldn't do them if he wants, but the fact still remain, most men wouldnt want their wife to wait for them to come home and do these house chores, very rare (except if they feel like doing it).
And another thing, African men wouldn't want a situation where 2 captain would influence the decision making at home like the one the westerners do, a situation whereby the man has no say, or being interrogated anytime he feels like saying something about the day in and day out activities of the home. so learn that too, both the hubby and wife has the right to a say in the home but submission is needed by the woman for peace and joy to rain. not a woman trying to force or dictate to a man, nah nah nah,

Leilah:

Lets put it this way, its a good way of loosong weight and keeping the ngozies away - joke I'll never be able to shift them away!!!

you dearie are so obsessed with the ngozis.the ngozis! the ngozis! if anything will end this marriage it would be your insecurities. not everyone wants your man.

the marriage is effectively over, ngozi this, ngozi that. Madam pack your load and go!

lol, her load don dey papa house