The story below was written to me for publication in Business Hallmark Newspaper. She is seeking advice from readers and I thought I could also post it here and get more advice to publish in the newspaper for the troubled lady. Please read.


In a month, I will marry my fiancé of five years. I have always looked forward to marrying him but now that it is going to happen, I am really scared. Somewhere deep down, I feel I am making a big mistake because the reason why we finally have a marriage date isn’t because we sat down and planned our future but because I got pregnant.

I admit my fault in all that has happened to me. The pregnancy isn’t the only mistake I have made with Jide but I feel I have no options left and no one to help me. My family can hardly help themselves.

The beginning of our relationship was good and it was impossible not to fall in love with Jide. He was kind, loving, caring and everything I wanted in a man. He was interested in my future and helped with me get admitted into the Lagos State University to do a part time programme. Because my family lived in Badagry, I moved in with Jide as his place was closer to my school. Occasionally in the beginning, I noticed some traits I didn’t like. Jide would stay out late, girls would call him at odd hours, and when I confront him, he would get angry and pick fights with me. Later he would appease me with gifts and for a while, such incidents wouldn’t repeat themselves. At a point, I think I might have decided to turn a blind eye to the things I didn’t like, knowing that he loves me and he takes good care of me.

My relationship with other members of his family wasn’t exactly excellent, but okay. While his mother never exactly received me coldly any day, she wasn’t exactly warm. My not being Yoruba wasn’t an issue because two of her other sons where seriously involved with non Yoruba girls.

Jide, like his three brothers, do business with their mother and she gives them money. But business soon went bad and I suggested he got a job since he studied engineering but Jide refused and said his mother would not like it. I had to remind him he wasn’t getting any younger at 33 to wait for his mum to give him money before he could feed. He pushed the discussion aside and left for Abuja where he said he had a business to execute. In the eighteen months Jide stayed in Abuja, I only saw him twice when he came down for weekends to meet with his mother. In those months he was away he found little excuses to fight. Then he returned to Lagos late last year with no money and told me he was duped. We weren’t at peace because of fights and his late nights and calls from girls. What’s more, I would find huge sums of cash once in a while in his pockets and when I ask where from, he would get angry because I wasn’t supposed to find out. And in the wink of an eye, the money is all spent and he is asking me for money. I got a job that pays N20, 000 and Jide believes our future is stable on this lean salary. He visits prophets for solutions and never wants to talk about marriage because his mother asked us to hold on till she has enough money to throw a big party.

I should have ended this relationship when he was in Abuja, when it was very obvious he had side activities going on, and when my friends were telling me the writing on the wall was clear, but I didn’t because I thought of the years we have been together and how he was in the beginning. In hoping he would change, I endured the misery until I discovered I was pregnant. During the first weeks, I nursed a deep anger and resentment towards him. Now, I’m five months pregnant and we are getting married in a month time but I am scared things will only get worse. He has no job, and no intention of getting one. His mother does not talk to me and my soon to be groom plays lottery with whatever money he gets from where I don’t know. I am 30, what other options do I have?

Please, advice me.
Ese

I'll advise you to marry him. If worse comes to worst, you can always walk out, but at least your baby will have a name. Close your eyes and do if for your child.

ragdollz:

I'll advise you to marry him. If worse comes to worst, you can always walk out, but at least your baby will have a name. Close your eyes and do if for your child.

You are kidding . . . right

Ujujoan:



You are kidding . . . right

Not! Women in worse situations have married the man!! This guy is bad news but he fathered her pregnancy and that baby needs a name! Trust me, single motherhood is a bad place. At least a separated/divorced mother doesn't sound so bad and the child gets to keep his dad's name! He/she will thank his mother one day for the sacrifice!!

Or, do you have a better suggestion?

ragdollz:


Not! Women in worse situations have married the man!! This guy is bad news but he fathered her pregnancy and that baby needs a name! Trust me, single motherhood is a bad place. At least a separated/divorced mother doesn't sound so bad and the child gets to keep his dad's name! He/she will thank his mother one day for the sacrifice!!

Or, do you have a better suggestion?

A bad father is worse than none . . . . No child should be made to pass through such an unstable situation.

And guess what? the baby already has a name . . . hers!

_{Damn chauvinists!}

Ujujoan:

A bad father is worse than none . . . . No child should be made to pass through such an unstable situation.

And guess what? the baby already has a name . . . hers!

_{Damn chauvinists!}

Lol. Ever heard of the word BAST-ARD?? How's that for a name? Some kids grow up wishing they knew their father, or had one, or have been acknowledged by one. They are a month from the wedding and she's having cold feet, so what? Things could get better. And if not, there's the option of leaving. But if she decides not to marry him, she has no options at all.

And if thinking every child deserves to bear their FATHER'S FAMILY NAME, makes me a "chauvinist", then I'll gladly become one!!

@Topic

If she marries this man she has made the biggest mistake of her life

ragdollz:


Lol. Ever heard of the word BAST-ARD?? How's that for a name? Some kids grow up wishing they knew their father, or had one, or have been acknowledged by one. They are a month from the wedding and she's having cold feet, so what? Things could get better. And if not, there's the option of leaving. But if she decides not to marry him, she has no options at all.

And if thinking every child deserves to bear their FATHER'S FAMILY NAME, makes me a "chauvinist", then I'll gladly become one!!

There is a 'father' and there is a 'sperm donor' . . . In this OP's case, the child has the latter!

A man like him can NEVER be a true father to his child! IMO.

Besides, what's in a name . . .

Ujujoan:

There is a 'father' and there is a 'sperm donor' . . . In this OP's case, the child has the latter!

A man like him can NEVER be a true father to his child! IMO.

Besides, what's in a name . . .

What makes you think marriage and fatherhood won't settle him down?? A baby has a way of healing a lot of wounds. He just might be redeemable. If she doesn't try, she'll never know. And guess what? She can always leave if she wants. That's the up side!!! If she doesn't marry him, it'll always be a matter of "what if"??


Besides, she's thirty and pregnant. Not exactly able to be choosy, or what do you think??

zayzee:

The story below was written to me for publication in Business Hallmark Newspaper. She is seeking advice from readers and I thought I could also post it here and get more advice to publish in the newspaper for the troubled lady. Please read.


In a month, I will marry my fiancé of five years. I have always looked forward to marrying him but now that it is going to happen, I am really scared. Somewhere deep down, I feel I am making a big mistake because the reason why we finally have a marriage date isn’t because we sat down and planned our future but because I got pregnant.

I admit my fault in all that has happened to me. The pregnancy isn’t the only mistake I have made with Jide but I feel I have no options left and no one to help me. My family can hardly help themselves.

The beginning of our relationship was good and it was impossible not to fall in love with Jide. He was kind, loving, caring and everything I wanted in a man. He was interested in my future and helped with me get admitted into the Lagos State University to do a part time programme. Because my family lived in Badagry, I moved in with Jide as his place was closer to my school. Occasionally in the beginning, I noticed some traits I didn’t like. Jide would stay out late, girls would call him at odd hours, and when I confront him, he would get angry and pick fights with me. Later he would appease me with gifts and for a while, such incidents wouldn’t repeat themselves. At a point, I think I might have decided to turn a blind eye to the things I didn’t like, knowing that he loves me and he takes good care of me.

My relationship with other members of his family wasn’t exactly excellent, but okay. While his mother never exactly received me coldly any day, she wasn’t exactly warm. My not being Yoruba wasn’t an issue because two of her other sons where seriously involved with non Yoruba girls.

Jide, like his three brothers, do business with their mother and she gives them money. But business soon went bad and I suggested he got a job since he studied engineering but Jide refused and said his mother would not like it. I had to remind him he wasn’t getting any younger at 33 to wait for his mum to give him money before he could feed. He pushed the discussion aside and left for Abuja where he said he had a business to execute. In the eighteen months Jide stayed in Abuja, I only saw him twice when he came down for weekends to meet with his mother. In those months he was away he found little excuses to fight. Then he returned to Lagos late last year with no money and told me he was duped. We weren’t at peace because of fights and his late nights and calls from girls. What’s more, I would find huge sums of cash once in a while in his pockets and when I ask where from, he would get angry because I wasn’t supposed to find out. And in the wink of an eye, the money is all spent and he is asking me for money. I got a job that pays N20, 000 and Jide believes our future is stable on this lean salary. He visits prophets for solutions and never wants to talk about marriage because his mother asked us to hold on till she has enough money to throw a big party.
I should have ended this relationship when he was in Abuja, when it was very obvious he had side activities going on, and when my friends were telling me the writing on the wall was clear, but I didn’t because I thought of the years we have been together and how he was in the beginning. In hoping he would change, I endured the misery until I discovered I was pregnant. During the first weeks, I nursed a deep anger and resentment towards him. Now, I’m five months pregnant and we are getting married in a month time but I am scared things will only get worse. He has no job, and no intention of getting one. His mother does not talk to me and my soon to be groom plays lottery with whatever money he gets from where I don’t know. I am 30, what other options do I have?

Please, advice me.
Ese

don't marry him,he will never settle,hope he is not into yahoo-yahoo.
How can you dated a guy that can get a job but relies on him mother

@ poster
sorry ,I mean cant get a job

ragdollz:


What makes you think marriage and fatherhood won't settle him down?? A baby has a way of healing a lot of wounds. He just might be redeemable. If she doesn't try, she'll never know. And guess what? She can always leave if she wants. That's the up side!!! If she doesn't marry him, it'll always be a matter of "what if"??


Besides, she's thirty and pregnant. Not exactly able to be choosy, or what do you think??

marriage is not some experiment you get into to 'test waters' . . . If you are not at least 80%, no need to even try!

If women could accept that marriage doesn't change people, many won't be having the problems they are having now.

If she marries him now, she'll keep worrying about her real baby and her baby husband.

She's 30, single and pregnant . . . at least she's not married to some loser!

Ujujoan:

marriage is not some experiment you get into to 'test waters' . . . If you are not at least 80%, no need to even try!

If women could accept that marriage doesn't change people, many won't be having the problems they are having now.

If she marries him now, she'll keep worrying about her real baby and her baby husband.

She's 30, single and pregnant . . . at least she's not married to some loser!

That's true. But you're still only thinking about secondary stuff like he's jobless, unfeeling etc. But raising a baby without its father is not good at all. With all his faults, he's ready to marry her. That in itself is a good sign. He also wants to claim his child. Another good sign. And marriage CAN change some men. First of all she can spend less time writing long stories about her life and focus on working on her man/future marriage.

Ese

This is my opinion do not marry him

This guy does not have a mind of his own. He is still attached to his mothers apron string. He probably asks for his mothers permission before he makes love to you. He is lazy and does not want to work hard.  A 33 year old man who thinks N20k from her woman is a solid base in Nigeria is yet to grow up and living a ba kwome life style. he has no shame nor pride. He believes in luck and lottery. He does not know how to manage money. His kind of person will squander the lottery money before you say Jack Robinson even if he wins itI am not sure he loves you.

It is bad enough that he is cheating and what is worse is that he does not have a plan for his future.

If you do not marry him, your child still has a father except you think he is the last option for you have to get married.

Ese run!

ragdollz:


That's true.  But you're still only thinking about secondary stuff like he's jobless, unfeeling etc. But raising a baby without its father is not good at all. With all his faults, he's ready to marry her. That in itself is a good sign. He also wants to claim his child. Another good sign. And marriage CAN change some men. First of all she can spend less time writing long stories about her life and focus on working on her man/future marriage.

Did you miss the part where he visits prophets and gambles his life away?

What happens when they tell him to bring his first son for sacrifice    

And don't think that a man wanting to marry a woman is for any reason a 'good sign' . . . . maybe he thinks that will assure his daily meals even after a baby has been added to the family!  

Ujujoan:

Did you miss the part where he visits prophets and gambles his life away?

What happens when they tell him to bring his first son for sacrifice    

And don't think that a man wanting to marry a woman is for any reason a 'good sign' . . . . maybe he thinks that will assure his daily meals even after a baby has been added to the family!  

Like I said, he's bad news. No denying that. But no one is beyond redemption and you know what they say: the devil you know. . . . .

Sun story  . . .probably fiction.

When they marry,where are they gonna live,how wud they feed,her 20K/month?Jide's mum ?why does she want to marry him now or ever?cos she is 30,she is pregnant or she dated him for 5 years  

If I were the babe,the marriage thing wud be put on hold now,If she could wait for 5 years,waiting a few more years won't kill her.Why rush in now when its very glaring that the guy is NOT yet ready for either commitments,marriage or being a daddy?

I'm not saying she should severe all ties with the guy and have the baby all by herself,NO ! .They can still continue whatever they have/share without necessarily getting married,let's see if truly the arrival of a new baby would sober up and slap Jide back to reality/his senses.

Its never too late to do a wedding or get married but it's always very hard to get out.

..

Marriage is a union that has far reaching consequences. It should not be entered into unless both parties are fully aware of the stakes and are united in their quest for spiritual development. The requirements for any marriage to be a success include (but are not limited)  love, respect, and trust. With this understanding in mind one can get a glimpse of the seriousness of this institution and realize that entering into it on account of a baby or pregnancy or age is a very wrong move. To do so will be to cave in to societal pressure at the expense of true happiness and a defeat of the real purpose of marriage.

In plain words - get married for the right reasons, a baby isn't one of them.

ragdollz:

[b]
What makes you think marriage and fatherhood won't settle him down?? [/b]A baby has a way of healing a lot of wounds. He just might be redeemable. If she doesn't try, she'll never know. And guess what? She can always leave if she wants. That's the up side!!! If she doesn't marry him, it'll always be a matter of "what if"??


Besides, she's thirty and pregnant. Not exactly able to be choosy, or what do you think??

Some men cannot be changed by fatherhood or marriage. Just because the woman marries the man it will not mean the man will be a good father, is it not better to have a happy single mom showering love on this child than a depressed mother and uncaring and unsupportive father.

The woman should not marry the man - what is name - she can give the baby his name married or not - see me see trouble o!!

Superstory

it was impossible not to fall in love with Jide

I moved in with Jide as his place was closer to my school.

Occasionally in the beginning, I noticed some traits I didn’t like.

At a point, I think I might have decided to turn a blind eye to the things I didn’t like, knowing that he loves me and he takes good care of me.

Now, I’m five months pregnant and we are getting married in a month time

alrighty then.




@ topic

this is serious.

'you don carry bel-le ' so what advise are you looking 4,
just marry am 4 the sake of the unborn baby

Another advice

Put off the wedding until your child is 2 years. but you are not getting younger.

Just call it quits sha!

Absolutely agree with ifyalways.

Run run run far away from that marriage jor,you'l end up dead if you prove headstrong!

E get as e be!
He still dey suck his mama's bosoms
He's not even faithful. . .
wahala dey!

OK, don't marry him to give his baby his name: marry him because OBVIOUSLY you love him and can't imagine yourself with someone else. How do I know this? Even after all he's done to you, you are already one month to marrying him. So why trouble us when you've made up your mind already?? SMH

Dont marry him now. wait and see if things will change for the better after the baby is born before you decide.

but menn this is damm too close, just take courage and shift the wedding. Good luck.

ragdollz:

I'll advise you to marry him. If worse comes to worst, you can always walk out, but at least your baby will have a name. Close your eyes and do if for your child.

@OP,

don't marry him because you're 30, no need to waste the rest of your youth fretting over a guy you know has nothing to offer you & your baby.

ask the www.namywediing.com/advice team

what the hell?!?!?! does this really require an answer!?!??!
if you want to see hell firsthand, marry this man. if you enjoy peace of mind and sanity, don't.