Seen it. Okay?

k

Famous People On Sex… (15)


Steve Martin: “You know “that look” women get when they want sex? Me neither.”


Woody Allen: “Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.”

Roseanne: “Women complain about pre-menstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself.”


Lynn Lavner: “There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL.”

Jack Nicholson: “My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.”


Matt Barry: “Leaving sex to the feminists is like letting your dog vacation at the taxidermist.”


Camille Paglia: “Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope.”


George Burns: “Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other eight are unimportant.”


Sharon Stone: “Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships.”

Rod Stewart: “Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house.”

Rodney Dangerfield: “Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.”


Steve Jobs (Founder, Apple Computers): “My girlfriend always laughs during sex --- no matter what she's reading.”


Robin Williams: “Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet.”


Billy Crystal: “Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.”


Robert De Niro: “According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful.”


Dustin Hoffman: “There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?”


Jerry Seinfeld: “There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, 'I know what I'm doing; just show me somebody naked.'"


Robin Williams: “See, the problem is that God gives man a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time




A modern day cowboy has spent many days crossing the desert without water. His horse has already died of thirst. He's crawling through the sands, certain that he has breathed his last, when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him. He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand and discovers what looks to be an old brief case.

He opens it and out pops a genie. However this is no ordinary genie. She is wearing an Internal Revenue Service ID badge and a dull grey dress. There's a calculator in her pocket. She has a pencil tucked behind one ear. “Well, cowboy,” says the genie… “You know how it works. You have three wishes.”

“I'm not falling for that,” says the cowboy, “I'm not going to trust an IRS auditor.”

“What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and it looks like you're a goner anyway!” The man thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right. “OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plenty of food and drink.”

***POOF***

The cowboy finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen. Moreover, he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies. “OK, cowpoke, what's your second wish?” “My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams.”

***POOF***

The man finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems. “OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!” After thinking for a few minutes, the man says, “I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me.”

***POOF***

He is turned into a tampon.

The moral of the story is: If the government offers you anything, there's going to be a string attached.



A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.

After catching his breath he ordered a banana split.

The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"

"No," he replied, "arthritis."

@ yinkalink


See your level now You crack joke, people laugh till it enters 8 pages!

I no understand this one:

Steve Jobs (Founder, Apple Computers): “My girlfriend always laughs during sex --- no matter what she's reading.”

Lol
Prolly dat dey have sex while she‘s reading or sometin

El Guapo:

My baby is gon bag in a Phd in Joke!

A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."

"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients."

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.

Finally after a fourth night, there he was, proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.

Moral of the story: B.u.l.l.Poo might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

El Guapo:

^ Nice Joke story dear, that message probably should be directed to all those Yahoo Yahoo boiz in Nigeria e.g Studio

nau dey give am control number na

Badosky u too badt, me go suspect u too follow oo

lol

A priest and a pastor from the local church are standing by the side of the road, pounding a sign into the ground that reads:


"The End Is Near! Turn Yourself Around Now -- Before It's Too Late!"

As a car sped past them, the driver yelled, "Leave us alone, you religious nuts!"

From the curve, they heard screeching tires and a big splash. The pastor turns to the priest and asks, "Do you think the sign should just say 'Bridge Out'?"

Lol

My Love Is Really Outshining Me!

El Guapo:

Badosky u too badt, me go suspect u too follow oo

no me na yahoo plus, i deal on higher levels
if care is not takin i fit turn ur prick to atm loool

El Guapo:

Lol

My Love Is Really Outshining Me!

hehehehe
it dey pain am gaau gau o.oba edummare gau gau o
it dey paain am welu welu o gau gaau.


kai may i give u R'n'B
U run d'world gals,I sey who run d'world gals

Loool guapo boi no vex o , i jus dey flex

Yinkalink nice jokes,

^Part time lover ur aristo mama don relaese u abi , kai u nid Agbo revival u don lean

El Guapo:

Lol

My Love Is Really Outshining Me!

baby my success is ur success now

shakara4u:

Yinkalink nice jokes,

thanks ex

Idowuogbo:

^Part time lover your aristo mama don relaese u abi , kai u nid Agbo revival u don lean

lol

A blonde is sitting at home one day when she decides she's sick of hearing blonde jokes. She decides to dye her hair brown, and, to see if it works in making her more intelligent, goes to a farm where she approaches the farmer with the challenge, "If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I take one home?" The farmer chuckles to himself, before replying, "Sure, why not?"

The blonde pulls out a calculator and does a bunch of hugely complicated equations and comes up with a number. She says to the farmer, "There are 314 sheep out there." The farmer is astonished. "You're right!" he says. "Go take your pick".

The blonde takes a few minutes to pick a sheep, waves to the farmer, and leaves.

She's sitting at home the next day when she hears a knock on her front door. She opens it and finds the farmer standing there holding his hat. He says to her, "If I can guess your real hair colour, can I have my dog back?"


A young man stopped at a local restaurant after a day of roaming around in Mexico.

While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious-looking platter being served at the next table.

It looked good.

It smelled good.

He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?"

The waiter replied, "Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!"

The visitor, though momentarily daunted, said, "What the heck, I'm on holiday down here! Bring me an order!"

The waiter replied, "I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy!"

The next morning, the man returned, placed his order, and then that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day.

After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, he called to the waiter and said, "These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!"

The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si, Senor. Sometimes the bull wins."





Jacob, age 92, and Reba, age 91, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in. Jacob addresses the man behind the counter:
Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"
Pharmacist: "Of course we do."
Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"
Pharmacist: "All kinds."
Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism, scoliosis?"
Pharmacist: "Definitely."
Jacob: "How about Viagra?"
Pharmacist: "Of course."
Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, jaundice?"
Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."
Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"
Pharmacist: "Absolutely."
Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers?"
Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."
Reba speaks up and says to the pharmacist: "We'd like to register here for our wedding gifts, please."

LOL

baby


Little Johnny was asked by his school teacher to use the word contagious in a sentence.

He said, "My dad and I were looking out the window at old Mrs. Johnson painting her fence and I asked me dad how long he thought it would take her, and he said that 'it'll take that c.u.n.t ages'"


A blonde was swerving all over the road and driving really badly, so she got pulled over by a cop.

The cop walked up to her window and asked, "Lady, why are you driving so recklessly?"

The blonde said, "I'm sorry sir, but wherever I go, there's always a tree in front of me and I can't seem to get away from it!"

The cop looked at her and said, "Lady, it's your air freshener!"



dese are priceless
Jack and Jill went up the hill
For just an itty bitty.
Jill’s now two months overdue,
And Jack has left the city

Jack and Jill
Went up the hill
And planned to do some kissing.
Jack made a pass
and grabbed her a.s.s
Now two of his front teeth are missing

Jack and Jill went up the hill
so Jack could lick Jill's fanny.
Jack got a shock
and a mouthful of c.o.c.k
cos Jill's a ****** tranny.

Old Mother Hubbard went to the cupboard to fetch her poor dog a bone.
When she bent over Rover took over and gave her a bone of his own


Mary had a little lamb
It's fleece was white and whispy.
Then it caught Foot and Mouth Disease
And now its black and crispy
Mary 'ad a little pig
She couldn't stop it gruntin'
She took it down the garden path
And kicked its f**king c**t in!!!!!



My friend Billy
Had a ten foot willy,
He showed it to the girl next door.
She thought it was a snake
And hit it with a rake
And now its only 4 ft 4.

Spider, spider on the wall.
Ain't you got no sense at all?
Can't you see the walls been plastered?
Now you're stuck you silly b.a, st.a.r.d

Hey Diddle, Diddle,
The cat did a piddle,
All over the bedside clock.
The little dog laughed to see such fun
Then died of electric shock.

There was a little girl,
Who had a little curl
Right in the middle of her forehead,
And when she was good,
She was very very good,
But when she was bad
She got a fur coat, jewels, a
Waterfront condo and a sports car.

1000 sticks of dynamite sitting on a wall
1000 sticks of dynamite sitting on a wall
And if one stick of dynamite should accidentally fall,
There'll be no sticks of dynamite and no f**king wall

Humpty Dumpty sat on the bed
Little Bo Peep was giving him head
As he came, she started to weep
She could tell by the taste he'd been shagging her sheep



Mary had a little skirt
with splits right up the sides
and everywhere that Mary went
the boys could see her thighs.
Mary had another skirt
'twas split right up the front
, But she didn't wear that one often


Mary had a little lamb
her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her
between two chunks of bread.


Little Miss Muffet sat on a tuffet,
her clothes all tattered and torn.
It wasn't the spider that crept up beside her
'twas Little Boy Blue with a horn.


Simple Simon met a pieman going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon to the pieman
"What have u got there?"
Said the pieman unto Simon
Pies you dickhead.


Mary had a little lamb
it ran into a pylon.
10,000 volts went up its arse
and turned its wool to nylon


Georgie Porgie Pudding and Pie
kissed the girls and made them cry.
When the boys came out to play
he kissed them too cos he was gay.


Jack and Jill
went up the hill
to have a little fun.
Jill, the dill,
forgot her pill,
and now they have a son.


Little boy blew.
Hey. He needed the money.

Lwkmd

Lol
For where?
Laff no fit touch u,u‘r covered by a anti-lafftering claim in ur life insurance in d section dat states dat anytin dat one has control over cannot kill wit exemptions, e don do abeg

lol


A fairy told a married couple: "For being such an exemplary married couple for 35 years, I will give you each a wish."
"I want to travel around the world with my dearest husband", said the wife.
The fairy moved her magic wand and - abracadabra! - two tickets appeared in her hands.
Now it was the husband's turn. He thought for a moment and said: "Well this moment is very romantic, but an opportunity like this only occurs once in a lifetime. So, I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me."
The wife was deeply disappointed but, a wish was a wish.
The fairy made a circle with her magic wand and - abracadabra!
Suddenly the husband was 90 years old.


Moral: Men might be bastards.
But fairies are, female.




Albert Einstein, Pablo Picasso, and George W. Bush arrive at the Pearly Gates and introduce themselves.
St. Peter says, "You'll have to prove to me that's who you are."
Einstein takes a piece of paper, writes E=MC squared, and then starts writing the formulas that lead him to it.
St. Peter says, "I believe you, come on in."
Picasso takes out a pencil and paper and starts to draw.
St. Peter says, "I believe, you come on in."
George W. Bush says to St. Peter, "Who were those guys?"
St. Peter says, "Come on in, George."



A man was accosted by a particularly shabby, smelly man who asked him for money for dinner. Winkley took out his wallet, extracted a fiver, and asked,
"If I give you this money, will you take it and buy whisky?"
"No, I stopped drinking years ago," the beggar said.
"Will you use it to gamble?" he asked.
"I don't gamble," said the man.
"Will you spend the money on greens fees at a golf course?" he asked.
"Are you MAD?" said the beggar, "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"

At which our viewer exclaimed,
"Forget the money. I'm going to take you to my home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The beggar was astounded.
"Won't your wife be bothered? I know I'm dirty and I probably smell pretty bad too."
"That's alright," he replied, "I want her to see what a man looks like when he's given up drink, gambling, and golf."

An account of a recent meeting between George W Bush and Condoleeza Rice. Priceless.

George: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening?
Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.
George: Great. Lay it on me.
Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.
George: That's what I want to know.
Condi: That's what I'm telling you.
George: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes.
George: I mean the fellow's name.
Condi: Hu.
George: The guy in China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The new leader of China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The Chinaman!
Condi: Hu is leading China.
George: Now whaddya' asking me for?
Condi: I'm telling you Hu is leading China.
George: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China?
Condi: That's the man's name.
George: That's who's name?
Condi: Yes.
George: Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the Middle East.
Condi: That's correct.
George: Then who is in China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir is in China?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Then who is?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China. Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.
Condi: Kofi?
George: No, thanks.
Condi: You want Kofi?
George: No.
Condi: You don't want Kofi.
George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And then get me the UN
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi?
George: Milk! Will you please make the call?
Condi: And call who?
George: Who is the guy at the UN?
Condi: Hu is the guy in China.
George: Will you stay out of China?!
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the UN
Condi: Kofi.
George: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone.
(Condi picks up the phone.)
Condi: Rice here.
George: Rice? Good idea. And a couple of egg rolls, too.

lol

Baby i must commend u u've done gr8t on this venture, u've indeed defiled the critics of the bookmakerz, how was ur nyt?

El, u eva asked me hw my nite went? Partiality.
Well then, this is a warehouse of jokes of varying sizes. Yinkz, I suppose u change d thread name, a suggestion tho