Jesoul and outstrip,

I disagree with you.


The way we grow up in Africa is different. many people had to stay with family members while growing up who didnt ask you for rent and living expenses and the onus is on you to repay that kindness

Uche comes from his village to lagos, He stays with a family member while struggling and now he is rich and married, When the family he stays with have children and they need the similar kind of help Should Uches wife kick them out?

many Nigerians have a similar family issues and structure, Most ppl were not brought up by their parents alone but by some Aunty, Some uncle, some family friend etc. if as a bride you know your partner received favours from people while growing up, Dont expect him to turn it down when its his turn

As for the wife, If she makes a fight out of it, She would be the one to lose at the end. Ok assuming she wins round 1, The family would do all their utmost to wage war on her and If she should have any marital problem maybe delay in having babies or even a minor spat with her husband watch how they help blow it up.

Longevity of marriages in Africa has a lot to do with both families contribution, My own parents have had family members come resolve issues with them, if My mother had made herself an enemy to her inlaws, how would that marriage have survived,

Word of advice to Women: In marital life, Not every battle is worth fighting, Choose your battle

dayokanu:

Word of advice to Women: In marital life, Not every battle is worth fighting, Choose your battle

. In as much as I don't believe in family members living with me I still remember my mothers words. . . . . .  ''Don't make enemies with your inlaws especially the good ones because if problem starts , all you have to do is sit down and let them fight for you''.

The one thing I don't support is bringing them for house work thats too harsh abeg. Na because dem dey less privileged?

^^ My mother and my Paternal grandmother were the best of friends like 5 and 6. they usually hang out together go to parties together buy clothes together and sew "and co".

If My granny wants to talk to my dad , he would first ask my mom and they would have a rehearsal.

my dad once blurted out that my mom stole his mother from him. But if you come in to a house and start fighting everyone, then God help you.

What I would suggest is for the OP to choose the youngest of the cousins and become pals with him/her and let him move in

dayokanu:

Jesoul and outstrip,

I disagree with you.


The way we grow up in Africa is different. many people had to stay with family members while growing up who didnt ask you for rent and living expenses and the onus is on you to repay that kindness

Uche comes from his village to lagos, He stays with a family member while struggling and now he is rich and married, When the family he stays with have children and they need the similar kind of help Should Uches wife kick them out?

many Nigerians have a similar family issues and structure, Most ppl were not brought up by their parents alone but by some Aunty, Some uncle, some family friend etc. if as a bride you know your partner received favours from people while growing up, Dont expect him to turn it down when its his turn

As for the wife, If she makes a fight out of it, She would be the one to lose at the end. Ok assuming she wins round 1, The family would do all their utmost to wage war on her and If she should have any marital problem maybe delay in having babies or even a minor spat with her husband watch how they help blow it up.

Longevity of marriages in Africa has a lot to do with both families contribution, My own parents have had family members come resolve issues with them, if My mother had made herself an enemy to her inlaws, how would that marriage have survived,

Word of advice to Women: In marital life, Not every battle is worth fighting, Choose your battle

 I understand what you're saying and where you're coming from. There's the 'traditional' aspect to the issue in that it is common for relatives to live with you in Naija.

The point you're missing is that more often that not having relatives live with you is the begining of all kinds of trouble. The fact that it is a common practice does not mean that it should excused and that we should continue to practice it - especially when the evidence is plentiful everywhere the problems it can cause. Furthermore, this kind of situation where a husband makes decisions by himself & dictates to his wife while ignoring her opinion and feelings on the matter has persisted way too long in Africa - it is time for the younger generation to put their foot down and help to bring about a change to men behaving this way.

^This does not mean a wife should be disrespectful to her husband - not at all! The respect and submission should be mutual, such that if a decision of this magnitude is to be made - it should be made with both spouses in agreement. African marriages may have this illusion of 'longevity' but it is usually at the cost of the woman's happiness and joy. The man does whatever he wants so why won't there be 'longevity'? It is time for us to move forward from this kind of approach - a wife is her husbands best friend! not his family members.

dayokanu:

As for the wife, If she makes a fight out of it, She would be the one to lose at the end. Ok assuming she wins round 1, The family would do all their utmost to wage war on her and If she should have any marital problem maybe delay in having babies or even a minor spat with her husband watch how they help blow it up.

Longevity of marriages in Africa has a lot to do with both families contribution, My own parents have had family members come resolve issues with them, if My mother had made herself an enemy to her inlaws, how would that marriage have survived,

Word of advice to Women: In marital life, Not every battle is worth fighting, Choose your battle

^and this is part of the problem. My in-laws and my own family have absolutely nothing to do with the privacies my marriage. Absolutely nothing. If we have problems it is we who are supposed to work it out ourselves. This tradition of inviting outside parties to settle internal disputes . . . hmm. My in-laws are the greatest and I love them to death. Infact I think I have the greatest in-laws on the planet, that is how good God has blessed me. However there are boundaries, lines that are not supposed to be crossed in marriage - you do not bring them in to settle your own mess. Times and cultures have evolved, why do we insist on staying behind and using dinosauric methods?

I understand everyone is different and some may think its no big deal to have your in-laws 'settle' fights between you and your husband/spouse - but for me that will never ever never ever in this lifetime or the next - happen.

jennykadry:

. In as much as I don't believe in family members living with me I still remember my mothers words. . . . . .  ''Don't make enemies with your inlaws especially the good ones because if problem starts , all you have to do is sit down and let them fight for you''.

I wonder self whether people consider the entire package when they're getting married - don't just look at the man and his wallet, look at his mother, father, aunties and co before taking the plunge and walking down the aisle. If people did their homework before saying 'I do' so many of these problems we hear of would not happen.

Better remain single than shackled to man/woman with monster-in-laws - especially if such a man cannot put them in their rightful place - outside of your home.

@Dayo,
    one more thing - that may have worked for your parents, but I never once saw any relatives (and we had tons of 'em) in my home settling fights between my parents. Infact I saw my parents quarrel/argue only 2 or 3 times as a child. They managed to keep their disagreements private and away from us when they had them and they are out shopping together right now as I type. It is possible to have a great, long marriage, in Naija (africa) without in-laws involved to settle anything.

Let us stop encouraging behavior and practices that create ample conditions for all manners of problems, but instead promote and cheer for better, progressive kind of thinking.

JeSoul.

But your husband benefitted from such "barbarism" as you put it.

If such dinosauric cultures of having young boys from interior villages stay with families in Cities till they can stand on their own, Most of these young men you are marrying would be stuck in their villages and might not be marriageable for you.

Even within Lagos, I have a cousin whose family house is in Egbeda in lagos She works in VI and has to be in traffic for 3-4 hrs.
Her mom' spoke to a friend stays in Lekki and offered to take her in, So she can get to work easily. WITHOUT PAYING A KOBO

See the amount of stress the young girl has been saved from.

Vs if she has to commute daily or rent a 1million a yr house in Lekki

Another benefit of those barbaric and dinosauric culture. And believe me Many ppl benefitted from it in many ways

dayokanu:

JeSoul.

But your husband benefitted from such "barbarism" as you put it.

  Lol. Whatchu know about my husband? and I never said 'barbarism' btw - just dinosauric. There is a big difference.

If such dinosauric cultures of having young boys from interior villages stay with families in Cities till they can stand on their own, Most of these young men you are marrying would be stuck in their villages and might not be marriageable for you.

Even within Lagos, I have a cousin whose family house is in Egbeda in lagos She works in VI and has to be in traffic for 3-4 hrs.
Her mom' spoke to a friend stays in Lekki and offered to take her in, So she can get to work easily. WITHOUT PAYING A KOBO

See the amount of stress the young girl has been saved from.

Vs if she has to commute daily or rent a 1million a yr house in Lekki

Another benefit of those barbaric and dinosauric culture. And believe me Many ppl benefitted from it in many ways

If you read my post you'll see that I don't necessarily disagree with ^this part of your point - but just that the husband and wife should mutually make decisions of this magnitude together not one being dictated to by the other!

Lol this is some funny stuff jesoul

It's like someone saying. . . .''paying a woman's bride price is just tradition, we as individuals need to stop doing these and put the money to good use afterall it's just a tradition/practice''. . . .  Some of us are lucky to be married and out of Nigeria and even if our hubby messes up we've all got good careers and the employment opportunities and can easily move out and move on but do we say the same thing for the people in Nigeria?


Truth is Nigeria have got lots of cultural values and this values are being misplaced now because some people have allowed obodo oyibo rules and laws enter their heads

jennykadry:

Lol this is some funny stuff jesoul

It's like someone saying. . . .''paying a woman's bride price is just tradition, we as individuals need to stop doing these and put the money to good use afterall it's just a tradition/practice''. . . .  Some of us are lucky to be married and out of Nigeria and even if our hubby messes up we've all got good careers and the employment opportunities and can easily move out and move on but do we say the same thing for the people in Nigeria?

And you're 1000% right my sister. I do realize it easy for me to talk like this because of my own experience . . . but e no stop me from talking sha . Sometimes I read these stories and wish I could flip a switch and change so many things about my country. So should we continue to teach women to bend over and take it for the sake of 'peace'? or plant seeds here and there and hope it will grow into a good change for everyone?

And not all tradition is bad oh! That one I agree with and I hope that's not what I sound like, infact self you can catch me on the frequent heralding one of these 'dinosauric' traditions  as long as the tradition is a good one and practiced to the advancement and preservation of the family unit - then amen! I'm only against those that don't benefit us for the most part.

True words. The question in the second paragraph is leading me back to my post. Do we continue giving excuses because we've been exposed to the westernized world and that world is beginning to make us doubt that the way our fore fore fore fathers lived their lifes  re family members wasn't the right way of life afterall?

I love my life here but believe me to a large extent the system here tries to dictate to us whats wrong and whats right in our culture. We can try to deny it but it's the truth

jennykadry:

True words. The question in the second paragraph is leading me back to my post. Do we continue giving excuses because we've been exposed to the westernized world and that world is beginning to make us doubt that the way our fore fore fore fathers lived their lifes  re family members wasn't the right way of life afterall?

I love my life here but believe me to a large extent the system here tries to dictate to us whats wrong and whats right in our culture. We can try to deny it but it's the truth

  Ah there is plenty plenty plenty wrong with oyinbo culture, plenty! lol I absolutely dislike the way in general they raise their kids - and the way the women have almost no respect or honor for their husbands. I admire the west for their progressiveness - at the same time, they have the tendency to throw the baby out with the bath water. They are slowly becoming an amoral society - that is the worst kind I think. They discard the good traditions along with the bad - while we on the other hand tend to hold on to every tradition in the name of - tradition - instead of evaluating the merits of each one and evolving as the times change.

Its all about finding the right balance jare. Picking the best from each side that we can use and apply in our own personal lives and families. I don't think any culture has gotten it completely right. However we as individuals - especially those of us fortunate and blessed enough to be educated have no excuse not to do our best to build with this knowledge good & strong families.

@OP,
   I will back down a bit, you're a woman (and I assume in naija), I say work your feminine wiles to get your way . Men are the head, but na you be the neck. And since geography may not afford you the best card to play, play the one you have. Use the natural gift God has given you jor. Goodluck!

To be honest I really do not care about culture. I care about what is right. I have seen so many injustices done in the name of culture. It's just bull to me.

dayokanu:

JeSoul.

But your husband benefitted from such "barbarism" as you put it.

If such dinosauric cultures of having young boys from interior villages stay with families in Cities till they can stand on their own, Most of these young men you are marrying would be stuck in their villages and might not be marriageable for you.

Even within Lagos, I have a cousin whose family house is in Egbeda in lagos She works in VI and has to be in traffic for 3-4 hrs.
Her mom' spoke to a friend stays in Lekki and offered to take her in, So she can get to work easily. WITHOUT PAYING A KOBO

See the amount of stress the young girl has been saved from.

Vs if she has to commute daily or rent a 1million a yr house in Lekki

Another benefit of those barbaric and dinosauric culture. And believe me Many ppl benefitted from it in many ways

Back in the day all this made sense. The same way having a million kids made sense. Times are changing and we need to change too. The example you gave has nothing to do with culture. It was a kind gesture. People are unruly and will bring that behavior into your home. I don't want to say Nigerians are unruly but some of the crap I have seen relatives do in peoples homes is unbelievable

Some people actually took him your husband when he was young and put up with his unruliness.

Now its his turn to reward the favour

What has the scenario below had to do with a million kids?

Even within Lagos, I have a cousin whose family house is in Egbeda in lagos She works in VI and has to be in traffic for 3-4 hrs.
Her mom' spoke to a friend stays in Lekki and offered to take her in, So she can get to work easily. WITHOUT PAYING A KOBO

See the amount of stress the young girl has been saved from.

Vs if she has to commute daily or rent a 1million a yr house in Lekki

dayokanu:

Some people actually took him your husband when he was young and put up with his unruliness.

Now its his turn to reward the favour

What has the scenario below had to do with a million kids?

Whose husband?

Personification, Might not necesarily be yours.

But alot of people benefitted from Kind gestures from people before they became on their own.

Some travelled to US and stayed with some family friends and even within Nigeria.

if neither you nor your husband benefitted from these sort of gesture from ppl then you are not obliged to repay. Not so for people who benefitted

dayokanu:

Personification, Might not necesarily be yours.

But alot of people benefitted from Kind gestures from people before they became on their own.

Some travelled to US and stayed with some family friends and even within Nigeria.

if neither you nor your husband benefitted from these sort of gesture from ppl then you are not obliged to repay. Not so for people who benefitted

Ok even generally speaking. You lived with someone does not mean that the same situation can work with you. There are other ways to help people whose folks helped you. I know that I cannot have someone live with me for many reasons. Especially when they are Nigerian and I want to remain cordial with them. I have a friend from warri that they kind of had this sort of communal living thing in Nigeria and their house in the states became the underground rail road in america. There was always someone passing through that ended up in their home. I couldnot have put up with half the crap she put up with.
I am sure I did not sound very supportive of her because whenever she complained I would become highly irritated. It's just the children I felt for. Sometimes empowering people to help themselves is the best gift you can give. You cannot have grown ass people come and live in your home indefintely. Further more if they must then there have to be clear and defined rules and boundaries. How many Nigerian adults will you set rules and boundaried in your home for that will not act like you are being disrespectful to them. Maybe it is just the way I am wired bt I have this mentality that if I help someone I do not expect they help me back and if they do not I will not hold it against them but at the same time if someone does something for me I feel that I should treasue it. Maybe that is why I find it hard to understand the wisdom in letting a pack of adults come and live in your home

It sounds like the OP's issue isn't so dire.  The husband simply wants younger relations to come and help them be nannies, clean and "iron his clothes." lol.  Some people just simply refuse to do the minimal things for themselves.  Maybe the husband trusts family more than going out and hiring someone.

DK,
So if [someone] were to marry you, she'd have to welcome your ragtag band of relatives and like it too? 

See how Jesoul come here dey rant. OP do not heed her advice. The day her husband is going to draw the line for her, her hand go fall yakata. A man is not the exclusive property of his wife, the sooner women realize that the better for them. Imagine a man loves his wife enough to want his cousins to stay with them and help her out and you are trying to tell her to kick them out at all cost because you think it is a sign of liberation that she does so. Jesoul mark my words, your husband is telling you things you want to hear and making you see things you want to see. The day he shows you the reality, you will become numb and remember that I told you so.

OP your husband respects you that is why he is telling you beforehand and even discussing it with you. What would you do if they just appeared at your doorstep and came to stay without your husband informing you prior to that?

@OP, read this thread and learn from it https://www.nairaland.com/nigeria/topic-699506.64.html especially this post

blank (f)
Bigz Girlz (Lagos)
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Re: Me And My Husband Syndrome
« #64 on: Yesterday at 11:13:34 AM »

I used to be of the opinion that it should i won't let relatives come and live with us but i changed my mind. Maybe its cos of the kind of family i married into but they are just so welcoming. I love it. No one interferes in our marriage, they just come and stay and we have a lovely time.

My MIL is welcome to my house any day, she even has her own key. When i think of all the sacrifices that lady has gone through on my behalf, i don't mind at all. I believe its how you present yourself that people will take you. If you show urself as united and having a great time, no one will disturb u.

I want my house to be the one that kids (cousins, nieces, nephews) will want to go to for holidays. The only rule is that u inform us before coming and is somehow subject to space constraints.

Live and let live.


You see there is good advice and bad advice, I hope you know which one to take!

@oga maclatunji,

   siddon. I am quite possibly married to the most incredible man to ever walk on this planet. My best friend, lover and confidant. I trust him with my next breath & I will die before i would dishonor him. Infact i am ready to jump off the washington bridge if it will bring him joy . I have his back like to the death. He is not what u think all men are and has proven it over many years. I will not wake up one day to discover something else - maybe that is what u think all your fellow men do, but not mine sha. I have seen my 'reality' every single day and i love it. Infact the irony is i have my MIL & FIL to thank for raising such a king and i love them to death. You dont even know the half of what we would and have sacrificed for them. Where we draw the line is living with us. But thank u for the advice tho, i will never need it .

  And Blanks post is an excellent one indeed. Infact she just reminded me my MIL had the key to our house when she was close by and we had theirs. I hope you know the difference btw relatives passing thru and staying for a few days or week+ on holidays vs permanently living with you?

  Outstrip & Siena have said enough. Let the OP decide for herself and i pray it will work out well for her whatever happens.

JeSoul:

@oga maclatunji,

   siddon. I am quite possibly married to the most incredible man to ever walk on this planet. My best friend, lover and confidant. I trust him with my next breath & I will die before i would dishonor him. Infact i am ready to jump off the washington bridge if it will bring him joy . I have his back like to the death. He is not what u think all men are and has proven it over many years. I will not wake up one day to discover something else - maybe that is what u think all your fellow men do, but not mine sha. I have seen my 'reality' every single day and i love it. Infact the irony is i have my MIL & FIL to thank for raising such a king and i love them to death. You dont even know the half of what we would and have sacrificed for them. Where we draw the line is living with us. But thank u for the advice tho, i will never need it .
AWWWWWWWWWW!!! Isn't that sweet? Remember to show your husband this post so that he will love you the more!

  And Blanks post is an excellent one indeed. Infact she just reminded me my MIL had the key to our house when she was close by and we had theirs. I hope you know the difference btw relatives passing thru and staying for a few days or week+ on holidays vs permanently living with you?

  Outstrip & Siena have said enough. Let the OP decide for herself and i pray it will work out well for her whatever happens.

Not even your children will live with you forever, the cousins will come and go when the time is right. Afterall, they too have their own nuclear family.

JeSoul:

@oga maclatunji,

   siddon. I am quite possibly married to the most incredible man to ever walk on this planet. My best friend, lover and confidant. I trust him with my next breath & I will die before i would dishonor him. Infact i am ready to jump off the washington bridge if it will bring him joy .

 

Tell him that.  In fact, show him your post.  Add the words, ". . . and I make this vow to you. . ."


This Jesoul is too much[i] o jare[/i].

maclatunji:

Not even your children will live with you forever, the cousins will come and go when the time is right. Afterall, they too have their own nuclear family.

My brother i pray that is the case jare. You self have spoken well, its always good to have diverse opinions on an issue so there is balance and all sides are spoken for.

Infact self i spent the night at my in-laws yday ( lol yes i neglected to mention that ) we do it occasionally. My husband was joking and said to MIL 'ur in-law is here lets impress her' and MIL responds 'hey she's not my in-law, she's my daughter! Get it right!' lol kai i love that woman. If she needed a place to stay, i will give up what i have to give up and rent her the best place in town

On the flip side one of my best friends has monsters for in-laws and her fiance doesnt do enough to aasert himself. She's planning on moving south just to be far away from them. Will i advice her to let ppl who dont like her set up residence in her home even tempoarily? Relationships are so complex and diverse that really one advice will and can never fit all.

isale_gan2:

 

Tell him that.  In fact, show him your post.  Add the words, ". . . and I make this vow to you. . ."


This Jesoul is too much[i] o jare[/i].

Lol. Isale one of the freshest chicks on NL . He knows now . 7yrs & counting . . . I make sure he knows I am his refuge, co-conspirator and protector. Some men (and Siena with how he carries himself and family on NL is one of them) are just so incredible. Once you show ur wife/woman that you're willing to sacrifice for her and have her best interest at heart, there is nothing that she in turn will not sacrifice for you and even more! this is the secret, win ur wife and she will do anything for u.

Jesoul 1 - 0 Isale

We'll meet again

Permanently? That is just asking for trouble.

Please dont allow that cos u might have good intentions for those ur husband cousins while they have theirs. Am a victim of such with my husband little niece but thank God for answering my prayers because those her insolent behaviours she displays on me, she is now displaying them on her uncle who couldnt help but have decided to send back to her parents and he is now forced to start making peace with me and working out our marriage, I REPEAT< DONT ALLOW THEM STAY WITH U GUYS!!!

Hmmmmm!

jumman: My husband insists that his cousins must live with us permanently in our matrimonial home and i do not want themm to live with us. How do u i convince him to change his mind. We are newly weds and i dont think we need them to live with us, besides i hvae seen cases where they cause problems in the family. Ur comments are welcome.

jumman: I [size=20pt]recently[/size] told my husband's cousin to leave my matrimonial home and my husband went to report me to my mum and sister. Did i do wrong? This cousin of his smokes weed , steals and has other bad characters you can think of, even my father in law tolds us not to leave our 13 months old baby girl with him, he usually comes to our house weekends which am okay with only for him to come this time around saying he will be staying for a long while. I just couldnt stand him staying with us, i told my husband but he refused to do anything, so i went ahead to tell the boy to leave. I just want to knw if i did the right thing . Make una no yab me oooooooooo.

https://www.nairaland.com/newpost?post=14187739&topic=1187573

Blessed art the 'polymonikering' HARLOTS OF NL!!! Mu che che che che che che

blank:
it is very easy to say that she should not allow them If the guy insists nko, should she run away from her house? First off, since he is so adamant accept it but tell him that you will only accept one of them staying with you.

Then be nice to the person and treat the person well. God forbid but what if ur kids need help in the future from relatives? What if ur husband stayed with other family members who helped him become what he is now. Don't be too hasty.

I have my husband's cousin living with us cos she was already living with him b4 we got married. She works and makes a lot of money but doesn't add anything to the house infact she is the queen of laziness. However, i treat her nice and live our lives as if she does not exist. Eventually, she will marry and move out and we have not offended her parents who are really close friends with my in-laws.

God will reward you for your goodness. Look at it as a way of helping people. My 50cents.

You are so full of wisdom, I wish there are more of your type In this cold, dark and hopeless world of ours.