Danmas:
Seriously, i use to pity our sisters' on what they go through in marriage after years of courtship, but most of the time its there inability to see beyond their fingers, they substitutes illusion with reality and latter end of regreting. They usually class the good guys as boring/unwise and ignore them for the percieved CHarming!
As Mac. Mentioned, guys promise them this and that and they will believe which after marriege turn out to be elusion.
May Allah help us. Ameen

....I concur totally!Movies we watch are not helping at all in this regard and perception of our society!

maclatunji:

Guys be like...

1. You are the prettiest girl I have ever seen...

2. I love you so much, let me treat you like a queen..

3. You do not have to worry about anything, I will give you anything you want...

4. The body language will be like... Can't you see that I am rich (ehem), handsome and have a great body, nothing can go wrong with me, I am the perfect man for you...

That is how Miss Independent falls o...

Hahahahaha

maclatunji: In this morning's news, an actress says she is not looking for a husband because suitors have been creeping out from all corners like cockroaches and it is creeping her out.

This gist is true but the cockroach part is my own creative writing.

She's a popular actress(BA).This is her time.In some years' time,she will be stylishly seeking for those she is ignoring.If we look it in other way round,she might be looking for attention(public stunts)!!!

maclatunji:

Jokes apart, brothers on this thread are not helping matters. Let us imagine that some of the vocal young women have a right to think the things they do. Is it not the duty of men to say: "the way you think of us is not exactly the way we are o"? Do this, that and those, then hopefully we will both be fine as men and women but all these: "keep dancing we are behind you posts are not helpful".

This thread would be a waste if someone entered it with a certain set of preconceived notions and after 200 pages is still thinking the same way.

May Allah guide us to success (Ameen).

Bro no one is encouraging fairy tales or unrealistic dreams. Should we be suppressing ladies who want good marriages and a partner who truly understands them and is ready to make things work ? I believe the sisters on this thread are knowledgeable enough and know where to draw the line. We don't need to think for them.

It is even the male folks we should be concentrating our energies on. We should be propping them up to be better humans and treat their partners with respect(apart from nagging and someother "little" wahalas from the females, the biggest problems in a marriage tend to stem from the guys part). He is the captain of the ship and should learn to work and maneuvre it to the path he wants not waiting or depending on the direction of the wind or his co pilot(s) decide for him.


I am (most of us) not trying to curry any favour from any angle on this thread and THank God i "have" the "best" of what i want and desire and don't need to "look" further or sweet talk anyone here.

.

baba11: She's a popular actress(BA).This is her time.In some years' time,she will be stylishly seeking for those she is ignoring.If we look it in other way round,she might be looking for attention(public stunts)!!!

It is actually Funke Akindele, she just got out of one marriage as the second wife. I think she found marriage difficult and is now wary of men.

triple post. Network

^I respect your sentiments.

My tip for ladies with us guys is this:

Surely, every lady expects some nice words from any prospective suitor and it does not mean that none of those men is sincere. So, what are the ways you can identify a sincere suitor amongst many dubious ones? I am writing with the belief that these suitors meet your expectations to a reasonable extent.

1. Ask him to tell you your flaws: He has noticed you are intelligent, have dazzling white teeth, your smile is to "die for" and is quick to highlight these positive attributes. Ask him to tell you your flaws: If he is sincere, he would have noticed. Why? Because he would have had to answer the question: "can I tolerate her faults?" You cannot decide to tolerate what you do not know exists.

The beauty about genuine affection is that you treasure the person despite their flaws. It is not that you cannot see the flaws.

2. He will not deliberately seek to hide flaws: Whilst it is natural for him to want to make a positive impression with you, he will not want to hide every one of his faults from you. If a suitor is too perfect- watch out! If it feels too good to be true, it usually is.

3. Honesty with little things: If you find him trying to dismiss certain things like his age, family details as unimportant to worry about, watch out!

These are my tips, are there other tips you know of? What about women, what things should a man look out for before thinking of making an attempt to woo a sister?

maclatunji:

Guys be like...

1. You are the prettiest girl I have ever seen...

2. I love you so much, let me treat you like a queen..

3. You do not have to worry about anything, I will give you anything you want...

4. The body language will be like... Can't you see that I am rich (ehem), handsome and have a great body, nothing can go wrong with me, I am the perfect man for you...

That is how Miss Independent falls o...

Any girl that falls for one to four deserves whatever she gets.

Your partner would definitely meet people more beautiful than you. If he chooses you because he says you as the prettiest then sorry if any thing goes wrong. You can always point out girls you know are prettier than you to him and gauge his response.

2. To know if he would treat you like a queen just look at the way he treats his surbordinates, his younger sisters, the aged, the market woman, the Female shop owner. How does he respond to insults or disagreement with female friends or acquaintances? These are enough pointers to how he would treat you.

3. Everyone knows GoD is the only provider. A woman who needs a man to provide for all her needs to be complete, certainly needs her head checked.

4. No comment. The lie is even self evident. In short any lady that falls for these cheap lies needs to be brought out to the village square and flogged.

.

^But they do like it is nobody's business. It is just that it is forbidden, I would have said we test out the hypothesis.

PHEMIEY:

#lol.
I still thinks there are ALWAYS options. and its in extreme scenarios like this that d zteristics of a REAL man comes to the fore.
#not in lalaland

Exactly. Only a myopic peraon would hang on like the beating is the only way out.

How about people getting beat who hold on to the shirt or trousers of the person beating them?
Does that help him get to work early?

Eventually, like I always say, na each person to their lives.

onegig:

i guess those who did brag and have the opposite would learn to live with their decision. Pitiable but thats just reality.

However, that doesnt stop us from dreaming , their propositions and ideas are still very real and valid. If they could be the best of themselves and shine their eyes well to see beyond the pretense of SOME men and ready to work for what they want, i see no stopping them. Bottomline is let your dream be within the armbits of reality.

Why do you keep making sense

Should the stoopid behaviour of some men be encouraged or should men speak about being good and better?

I remember my eldest bro carrying a bag I should have carried. One of my mum's cousins present was like, 'why would you let your brother do that for you'? and my mum said, 'that way, he'll learn to treat women right and when he gets married treat his wife right.'

Yh! some people actually train their sons to be good Men. I know that every woman who comes into my family is a lucky one. I will train my Children to be so too but will start from marrying a well trained man.

Why the story?

I know many people see it alien and find it hard to relate with 'the real men'. They have never seen such men or don't think they can be that and probably, if female, don't think they deserve such people.

Not everyone is brought up to accept what 'some' men do as 'normal'. What is RIGHT is what is normal in our lives. You wonder Why we do so well

golpen:

Let me share with you a story that makes it seem as if maclatunji was there.

I spent a time with some couple in abuja when I had a programme in town. This is just one of the silly issues they had which costed the hubby some deal.

The brother came home late with some excuse of tight work schedule, somewhat genuine but she still managed to nag and they had a little mishap to bed. The next thing in the morning was the wife locking him in, obstructing the ready man from going to work. This was her plight;

She had coughed severely in the night and despite that, the brother didn't turn to check on her. But from what I later got, the first set of coughs were the natural ones, followed by a couple of fabricated coughs, which the brother noticed and intentionally didn't pay attention. That was the match that exploded the gun powder of the previous day's lateness pa lava.

In a nutshell, the brother ended up being suspended at work, because unfortunately, that has always been the wife's way of showing her grievances which mostly ended the brother getting late to work or sometimes not even going at all.

How frustrated do you think the husband will be if such incident happens again

Let him talk to her about it. If she would not change he can let her go. Beating her will not change anything. She will get more resilient.

The thought that she could lose her home may change her forever.

People should start using legal means of addressing issues in Nigeria. Taking a case of assault to court would make him lose more than the job;enough to make him think twice!

onegig: Bro no one is encouraging fairy tales or unrealistic dreams. Should we be suppressing ladies who want good marriages and a partner who truly understands them and is ready to make things work ? I believe the sisters on this thread are knowledgeable enough and know where to draw the line. We don't need to think for them.

It is even the male folks we should be concentrating our energies on. We should be propping them up to be better humans and treat their partners with respect(apart from nagging and someother "little" wahalas from the females, the biggest problems in a marriage tend to stem from the guys part). He is the captain of the ship and should learn to work and maneuvre it to the path he wants not waiting or depending on the direction of the wind or his co pilot(s) decide for him.


I am (most of us) not trying to curry any favour from any angle on this thread and THank God i "have" the "best" of what i want and desire and don't need to "look" further or sweet talk anyone here.

hahhhah!! I like the last paragraph. Was that after you got to this thread or before??

kai!! the girl is lucky o

deols:

Let him talk to her about it. If she would not change he can let her go. Beating her will not change anything. She will get more resilient.

The thought that she could lose her home may change her forever.

People should start using legal means of addressing issues in Nigeria. Taking a case of assault to court would make him lose more than the job;enough to make him think twice!

The money and time spent in court is enough to discourage anyone.

As for the bolded, when a matter has gotten to: that level, it suggests that communication has broken down. What do you want to tell her?? Advice or admonition will probably get her more infuriated. People generally hate advice. When people act on instincts like anger or pride, they do not think as far as the impact on the home.

Realistically, even men that would not normally hit a woman have done so in extreme circimstances. It doesn't make it right but we have to pray that we are not tested like this.

It could be a real test.

Abuse by any party, will ruin a relationship.

deols:

hahhhah!! I like the last paragraph. Was that after you got to this thread or before??

kai!! the girl is lucky o

The thread predates her. I am the one more luckier. We have our own shortcomings but nevertheless we are always working to make it better.

But just like i said earlier. Get married and come give us the shildren some feedback and tips.

tbaba1234:

The money and time spent in court is enough to discourage anyone.

As for the bolded, when a matter has gotten to: that level, it suggests that communication has broken down. What do you want to tell her?? Advice or admonition will probably get her more infuriated. People generally hate advice. When people act on instincts like anger or pride, they do not think as far as the impact on the home.

Realistically, even men that would not normally hit a woman have done so in extreme circimstances. It doesn't make it right but we have to pray that we are not tested like this.

It could be a real test.

Abuse by any party, will ruin a relationship.

I agree trying to talk would solve nothing. At this point i guess best bet is to douse the tension. Trying to wrestle the key would also not work. Any use of force would even aggravate issues.

I guess as a couple you guys have grown to know eachother. There should be something that you would say or do that would calm her down. Tapping her gentle on the bum or doing something funny should. I know the man is also fuming but his goal should be getting out of the house. Some petting might do. Just do anything your partner would yield to. When you get the key and return later. You can settle down and give a warning of not wanting a repeat of such but you must also be ready to list or outline possible routes of dispute resolution when what led to the lock in happens again.

At best effective communication would have prevented such from even happening in the first place.

tbaba1234:

The money and time spent in court is enough to discourage anyone.

As for the bolded, when a matter has gotten to: that level, it suggests that communication has broken down. What do you want to tell her?? Advice or admonition will probably get her more infuriated. People generally hate advice. When people act on instincts like anger or pride, they do not think as far as the impact on the home.

Realistically, even men that would not normally hit a woman have done so in extreme circimstances. It doesn't make it right but we have to pray that we are not tested like this.

It could be a real test.

Abuse by any party, will ruin a relationship.

If they can no longer talk, and the only thing they can is hit each other, the matter has gotten out of hand.

They should bring in respectable people or let go of each other.

onegig: The thread predates her. I am the one more luckier. We have our own shortcomings but nevertheless we are always working to make it better.

But just like i said earlier. Get married and come give us the shildren some feedback and tips.

I say again, that gurl is blessed

what makes you think You can't go b4 me? I could also be a child.

maclatunji:

God has blessed you with vision.

To be honest, I cannot say this is what my exact reaction would be because it would depend on a whole lot of things but let me analyse the situation:

1. I would be really upset and troubled- I intend to marry someone that loves me and I would not expect her to act in such a manner.

2. At the point of smashing my phone, I would become what I call "rightfully indignant", at this point I am acting on pure rage and it is usually a sight to behold- it has happened about 2 times in the past although not related to romance, I get that way when people are literally taking me for granted and expecting me to accept the wrong thing they are doing to me. Note: I did not hit anybody both times.

3. I suspect that the unnatural rage that will radiate from my eyes, voice and body language should be enough to convince her that keeping me locked-up is a bad idea.

4. If 3 does not work, my pragmatic sense would probably take over. The notion would be to get her out of the way without doing much harm to her. This might involve having to physically overpower her and getting her away from the door. I can't afford to lose my job. I might not ask for the key if it is a door. I would simply attempt to break it down with kicks- I have done it before. I am sure she should have come to her senses when neighbours dash to the door.

I pray I never have to experience such.

P.S: How would I attempt to overpower her? Lifr her in one swift movement and probably carry her to the room, drop her as gently as possible on the bed and lock her in before she can make her way out.

Give the key to someone I trust to let her out, probably an elderly female neighbour.

No one prays to experience such but stuff does happen.

I assume, in your example, the wife felt the husband was on his way to hook up with a lady of easy virtue or some such, that's one of the main things that could lead to that behaviour.


Btw, what are your opined methods for calming your wife down when she is angry at you?

He man ( carrying etc) might not always be possible, just saying. If she's really furious, it wouldn't necessarily work.

Also, courtship should be the time to observe how you both display anger?

^Beg, beg, beg and even more begging. Insult myself, ask her what she wants to make it up.

deols:


I say again, that gurl is blessed

what makes you think You can't go b4 me? I could also be a child.

Thanks sis. You have just one hurdle to cross. "WE" have many to cross that by the time we are done you should have dropped one.

BUT God knows best. It might happen tomorrow.

maclatunji: ^Beg, beg, beg and even more begging. Insult myself, ask her what she wants to make it up.

Maybe let her know you don't understand why she is so angry?

Obviously a lot must have gone on before things got to that point.

Begging might not help if she knows you don't mean it.

Are you being sarcastic?

Well, I guess the solution is to marry someone who is not hot tempered, in order to avoid such.

This is why people have to consider personality when determining compatibility, just saying.

maclatunji:

It is actually Funke Akindele, she just got out of one marriage as the second wife. I think she found marriage difficult and is now wary of men.

Bimbo Akintola,an actress also said similar things!

maclatunji: These are my tips, are there other tips you know of? What about women, what things should a man look out for before thinking of making an attempt to woo a sister?

1)Know him/her 2)Study and tests him/her even before even showing your intention to him/her.The test can be in the form of asking him/her about how he/she's going to handle some situation like the one we are discussing her if it happens. 3)Do your own background research. 4)And lastly,the usefulness of social media cannot be wish away.If he/she's someone that's very active on let's say Facebook,go there and check everythings in details.Their's no way he/she can hide himself/herself for some years .A great part of us is also on what we are posting,sharing,commenting,liking on because if you don't love doing it,there's no way you would be doing it most often.How he/she treats others expecially her family members will also go a long way in determining how he/she's going to treat u!!!

tpia@:


Maybe let her know you don't understand why she is so angry?

Obviously a lot must have gone on before things got to that point.

Begging might not help if she knows you don't mean it.

Are you being sarcastic?

No, I am not. People think I am harsh with my criticisms on them. What they do not know is that I subject myself to the same process or even worse with self-appraisal.

Where I am likely going to have problems in marriage is in terms of being blunt. I will have to reduce it and in terms of sensitivity. I am at a high level when it comes to ignoring problems/challenges that other people are usually concerned about. This makes it look as if I do not care sometimes which is not true. I just do not think there is any use worrying about things- I simply look for solutions or ignore them if they are not life-threatening.

Outside of these two flaws, I really do not think my future wife would be able to honestly pin many negative traits on me. #Godwilling

baba11: 1)Know him/her 2)Study and tests him/her even before even showing your intention to him/her.The test can be in the form of asking him/her about how he/she's going to handle some situation like the one we are discussing her if it happens. 3)Do your own background research. 4)And lastly,the usefulness of social media cannot be wish away.If he/she's someone that's very active on let's say Facebook,go there and check everythings in details.Their's no way he/she can hide himself/herself for some years .A great part of us is also on what we are posting,sharing,commenting,liking on because if you don't love doing it,there's no way you would be doing it most often.How he/she treats others expecially her family members will also go a long way in determining how he/she's going to treat u!!!

This makes sense.

maclatunji:

Wa alaykum salam wa rahmatullah wa barakatuhu

Are you "Kaptain Single", defender of singles from drudgery of singleness?

That your hash tag is somehow. #Joking

smiles

Na keeper single

For the guys here;
To the best of my understanding, majority of what has been discussed here as regards initiating "contact" with a lady revolves around knowing the lady to an extent, maybe neighbors, place of work or the lady's brothers or sisters.
I'd like opinions on how to go about it in case of meeting someone u dont know AT ALL. Like someone far from your area that u just happen to meet along the road.

In short, what are the probable ways of "pursuing" a complete stranger (wit d intentn of marriage)
Sisters' opinions too are welcome