In my opinion, I think it all boils down to understanding and knowing your partner, two people cannot be mad at the same time.So when one person is exhibiting the madness, the other pipes down and the fact that we r both not really into friends makes our quarells very short lived, cos if we are keeping malice, then there is no one to gossip or gist with.

Hey CC, I hope you are not insinuating that men do not have caustic and a naggin tongue?

Fine! We women sure have our moments. lol.

I think it's unfair to assume only women have a caustic or Nagging tongue. From what we read in the other threads, it is obvious that some men also have a way putting their partners down with their tongues. Let's not try to make this so one sided.

Having said that,

omotofine:

In my opinion, I think it all boils down to understanding and knowing your partner, two people cannot be mad at the same time.So when one person is exhibiting the madness, the other pipes down and the fact that we r both not really into friends makes our quarells very short lived, cos if we are keeping malice, then there is no one to gossip or gist with.

I agree with you 100%

I'll also add that couples should try to be aware of what they say when they have an argument. Some people fight to the finish, saying they know will hurt the other person. The scars of a physical wound may heal but the scars of verbal abuse does, it festers on, until one day. . .SPLAT!!! There goes the head of the husband (or wife).

Here's a good Article about Fair Fighting (it would be silly to think couples can avoid fighting but if you are gonna do it, let it be fair for the sake of the future)

Fair Fighting: Conflict Resolution in Marriage

Couples fight! The key to any fight is to maintain control. You do not have the right to be immature, childish or abusive. If you do have legitimate feelings and issues, you are entitled to give a reasonable voice to those feelings in a constructive way. (That includes not being self-righteous or taking yourself too seriously.)

Take it private and keep it private.
Fighting in front of your kids is nothing short of child abuse. It can and will scar them emotionally and spiritually all because you don’t have the self-control to keep it together until you can talk about it privately. It also not advisable to share information about your fights with family and friends – the information always gets twisted and enhanced.

Deal with the issue at hand! Keep it relevant!
Stay on task! Focus on the issues rather than attacking each other. Don’t bring up old issues or grudges when they are not a part of the solution. Put boundaries around the subject so it won’t turn into a free for all. Limit the discussion to the one issue at the center of the conflict.

Stay in the room emotionally, keep it real.
Deal with the issues not with symptoms. Tell your spouse what is bothering you. Focus on the issue rather than the attack

Eliminate “You never,” “You always.”

These phrases will always lead to some place you really don’t want to go.

Avoid character assassination.  

Stay focused on the issue rather than ripping into your spouse’s personality, family, or past.


Don’t “mind read!”
If you are not sure what your partner meant by something they said, ask for clarification.

Stay on task!
The mission is to resolve to conflict and come out with a “win-win” not a “I win you loose outcome.”

Be proportional in your intensity.
You don’t kill a fly with a cannon.   There are basically only two types of problems people have – solvable and unsolvable (or not solvable right now.) Everything that you disagree on is not an earth shattering issue. Remember, you don’t have to get mad and upset every time you have a cause to be.

Commit yourself to openness, honesty and acceptance.
This will help you relax, listen and give feedback.


Allow yourself and your partner to retreat with dignity.
How a fight ends is crucial. Recognize when an olive branch is being offered to you (it might be disguised as an apology or a joke), and give each other a face-saving way out of the disagreement.

I just had a Tee hee hee moment trying to imagine a typical Naija man sitting through all of that!!

I think the reform should start inwardly (individually)understanding that you have a problem and working towards finding a solution to that problem. it is making up your mind to avoid unnecesary nagging that might lead to shouting, cursing and eventually fighting. What are the things that your wife/hubby does not like and would not tolerate, avoid it. There is joy in having 'peace of mind', fighting and shouting will not solve any problem, instead it would compound it. Like someone said, two people cannot be angry at the same time, and once you understand yourselves as partners, you would know when the other is not in 'the mood' at all for unnecessary jokes. This morning, i woke up and wore this angry look on my face, my hubby noticed it and was like trying to get out of me what was bothering me, he jumped, clapped and shook his bum!bum!! infront of me, i just looked at him with more anger because i was not in the mood for any joke at all, but immediately he realised that this thing no dey work, he just left me to myself, and after 1 hr, i came back to my senses.
People should define their relationships and understand what they want from their marraiges.

I don't agree with this Topic. why is it one sided? Don't we have male nags?

I am not feeling the topic jare.

@Chaircover
Really as I pointed out on the other biased thread, no one "beats" women.They are just practicing domestic conflict resolution aggressively.
Some have other underlying problems which makes them go overboard and people blame the symptoms instead of the underlying problem.

So long as the bias exists in this thread, you will only be talking to people who agree with you (I suspect that this is what you want anyway).
To actually converse with people that have a different view you have to drop the patronizing attitude. White is not better and we don't want to be white.

The only way to diccipline a woman with a caustic tongue is to sit her down when she is in a good mood and talk to her.Try to reason with her in the best way you possibly can-although there is no gaurantee it will work.Even though nagging can be regarded as a form of domestic violence,it is far less dangerous to men compared to the violence some women are capable of unleashing on their husbands/partners.
At times when women start nagging,the first natural impulse is to ignore her,but then some women take it to the next level of cursing and insulting the mans parentage and screaming at the top of her voice so that all the neighbours can enjoy the drama.
Okay the man is now in a situation where his wife/partner is screaming and casting all types of aspersions on his parentage,the next logical thing to do is to grab his car keys and leave the enviroment-maybe drive around or go somewhere until she cools down,however Mrs Wifey is having none of that and runs to the front door and locks the door and throws the keys out of the window.
The poor guy is now completely flustered and frustrated and trys to go into the bedroom.but Mrs Wifey is having none of that and proceeds to follow him into the bedroom raining abuse,and calling him all sorts of names.
Then she takes it to the next level and starts throwing objects at him and breaking things all over the house.
At times some Mrs Wifeys take it to another level and even strike the man with an object.
NOW HOW DOES A MAN DISCIPLINE SUCH A WOMAN?
This is what lots of men go through in their homes daily but are too scared and ashamed to voice out for fear of being labelled weak.The man is condemned to this life because if he retaliates,he is labelled a wife beater.If he comes to the public and says he is a victim of domestic abuse,members of the public will label him a weakling.

Stop exagerrating jor. Only a mad woman will act like this.

I have always been of the oppinion dat nagging is a form of abuse. Society accepts and excuse it just the way they excuse wife battering, pple say things like " na woman" no it doesn't give you the right to run other mad cos you have hormones, keep it in check. We all have our angry moments but if you go on and on and on, challenge the man and lock the door then you need help and you are just as bad as a man dat beats a woman you may not physcially beat him but you have emotional and physciologally drained him. Marriage is about finding happiness don't stay with anyone dat makes you consistently miserable. I had an Aunt who nagged her husband to the grave so I know how bad nagging can be, Naggers like are like all abusers who look for a weaker man who won't fight back, its all classic abuser behaviour. That woman nagged about everything, followed him everywhere and embarrased him, every woman was having an affair with him, he never gave her enough money blah blah blah, the man developed high blood pressure and chronic depression, we tried to get him to leave but he like most abused pple chose to hang on and remained married according to him for his kids, his daughter is a terror like her mom, his son is weak and will always back down when challenged. Abuse is abuse physical or emotional, man or woman if you spend most of ur married life miserable I will always say walk away, chronic naggers are the same as physical abusers dey won't change. By nagging I don't mean just normal disagreement I mean woman who will go on and on every issue, in laws can't visit, she suspects and attacks all d women who come in contact with her husband, nothing he does is good enough, she gets violent and its all about her, someone else must always be blamed for all her problems she may not be able to beat like her male abuser counterpart but it doesn't make her less of an abuser

Ignore, separate or move away

Richvkunt:

The only way to diccipline a woman with a caustic tongue is to sit her down when she is in a good mood and talk to her.Try to reason with her in the best way you possibly can-although there is no gaurantee it will work.Even though nagging can be regarded as a form of domestic violence,it is far less dangerous to men compared to the violence some women are capable of unleashing on their husbands/partners.
At times when women start nagging,the first natural impulse is to ignore her,but then some women take it to the next level of cursing and insulting the mans parentage and screaming at the top of her voice so that all the neighbours can enjoy the drama.
Okay the man is now in a situation where his wife/partner is screaming and casting all types of aspersions on his parentage,the next logical thing to do is to grab his car keys and leave the enviroment-maybe drive around or go somewhere until she cools down,however Mrs Wifey is having none of that and runs to the front door and locks the door and throws the keys out of the window.
The poor guy is now completely flustered and frustrated and trys to go into the bedroom.but Mrs Wifey is having none of that and proceeds to follow him into the bedroom raining abuse,and calling him all sorts of names.
Then she takes it to the next level and starts throwing objects at him and breaking things all over the house.
At times some Mrs Wifeys take it to another level and even strike the man with an object.
NOW HOW DOES A MAN DISCIPLINE SUCH A WOMAN?
This is what lots of men go through in their homes daily but are too scared and ashamed to voice out for fear of being labelled weak.The man is condemned to this life because if he retaliates,he is labelled a wife beater.If he comes to the public and says he is a victim of domestic abuse,members of the public will label him a weakling.

Odunnu:

Stop exagerrating jor. Only a mad woman will act like this.

@Odunnu,
Ambassador Wigwes wife used to act like this and it was on all the forums a few months ago.
In fact she got him recalled from his duty post back to Nigeria.
Just to spice things up I might give you an example of domestic violence carried out by a woman on a personal friend.

That caustic tongue could be useful somewhere else! like licking your mushroom top to keep her from nagging!, just had to say that!

Odunnu:

Stop exagerrating jor. Only a mad woman will act like this.

I have seen many women that behave like that. . . .One of my friend is married to a woman that behaves like that, she feels everything must be about her and she must always have things her way,  she is very selfish and hot tampered. . . . .His younger brother beat her up so bad the last time I visited Nigeria because she slapped him over a non issue that had to do with her son, imagine her slapping a 30 year old man in my presence and in the presence of her 2 kids because he tried to correct her son who ran away crying to her, she came down yelling and slapped the guy on the grounds that he has no right to correct her son, what ever her son does should be reported to her she said. . . .I was there but I didn't step in  and stop the guy when he was giving her the beatings of her life because she deserves it, after he beat her silly and she lost consciousness I stepped in pulled him back, I called my friend who was actually on his way, her husband later confided in me and told me he was glad his brother gave her the beatings of her life, he only yelled at his brother to keep his respect and nothing more. . . .Those that behave like animals deserve to be treated as one. . . .That's just it. . . .The friend of mine is a nairaland member. . .He is a christian that doesn't believe in divorce. . . .

@Odunnu,
I have a friend who is married to a law enforcement officer.Her own style of domestic violence was to accuse my friend of sleeping with every girl in the neighbourhood.She would nag him at the top of her voice and accuse him of sleeping with girls whenever she was at work on night duty.
My friend dare not store the number of any female in his phone because his detective wife would scroll through the phone at the slightest chance and pick a fight with him.
To cut a long story short this went on for about five years of the marriage.
One day Mrs detective comes home and sees hubbys phone on the centre table.She scrolls through and sees a name that looks female in the phone and goes bonkers.She storms into the bedroom and before the husband could scramble out of bed shehas HANDCUFFED his wrist to her wrist and has brought out a cannister of teargas which she threatened to detonate if hubby does not cofess that he is having an affair.
It was crazy,in fact I had to go from my house to go and plead with this woman to set her husband free.
Now do you think this man can proudly stand up in public and say his wife abuses him physically on a regular basis?
A woman with a caustic tongue can be tolerated.but some take it to a higher level of domestic violence.
If the man strikes back,he is labelled a wife beater,and if he is silent like the man in the story above he is labelled a wimp!

@ OP

How do I deal with a nagging partner?. . . .I just ignore them. . . .Most times I walk away and talk things over when things have calmed down. . .Other times I try to stand my grounds when I feel am right. . .If  it doesn't work then I walk away and wait for things to die down before we have our normal conversation and iron out issues. . . .

I believe you richy, violence has no age, gender or race. A lot of people are sick and need help but the best solution to dealing with a violent spouse physical or emotion spouse is to remove urself from dat situation, when you start reacting violently to another persons violence den u re in trouble. I was abused a lot by my ex and I could ve poisioned him silently and no one will know but I did not let his violence make me react badly, your friend should leave dat woman let her get help if she doesn't get help he should file for divorce, marriage is not bondage, I will keep saying this no one should make ur life hell on earth, No one

Wow! Thank God for little mercies I take for granted. I'm finding the stories here very hard to believe but then, I know we have very queer characters in life

@chaircover
honey don't flatter yourself, we have done this before, remember?
If you don' I can remind you with a link.
I really just donlt want you old azz witches misleading real Nigerians.

I am in a great r.ship with a great woman, while we first started i mean she was an angel, but as time went by when she became assured of a fiancee status, wahala start. She nags a lot dis days, throws accusations, criticizes a lot. How do i manage? I remain calm while she rants, at extreme cases i shout her down with my manly voice(this doesnt last long), but of recent i discovered a new method(i call it positive emotional 'manipulation')how? I simply remind her that d woman i fell in love with was so great with many sweet traits(i praise her till 4eva) then suddenly i bring her back to d fact d woman i have on my hands now is a nagger and i only agree with her for peace sake. I then introduce a reward(women love dat part*winks*) that if i can get back my 'former lover' then i'll literarily bring her d sea! Then she go just calm. This works for me. But generally as hadley chase will say 'u never know with women' so u need just 2 things. Wisdom and lots of patience.

//

@valacious
I am happy that you have a way of handling your girl. I however must point out that gf's and wifes are very different. I pray that you donlt get any surprises.

debrief08:

I believe you richy, violence has no age, gender or race. A lot of people are sick and need help but the best solution to dealing with a violent spouse physical or emotion spouse is to remove urself from dat situation, when you start reacting violently to another persons violence den u re in trouble. I was abused a lot by my ex and I could ve poisioned him silently and no one will know but I did not let his violence make me react badly, your friend should leave dat woman let her get help if she doesn't get help he should file for divorce, marriage is not bondage, I will keep saying this no one should make your life hell on earth, No one

I do not think he will leave her,because he really loves her and there is the kids to consider.
She is actually a nice person except that she gets these jealousy rages and that is when she goes out of control.
Then she becomes violent.

debrief08:

. I had an Aunt who nagged her husband to the grave so I know how bad nagging can be, Naggers like are like all abusers who look for a weaker man who won't fight back, its all classic abuser behaviour.

True life experience: A uncle of mine here in London died of nagging from his wife, in case you know him "he used to live in Hackney, name: Mr Bola Dada" . A year later, her wife got married to celestial church pastor, name: "Mr Tayo Ogunmefun", please type the name on google you might grasp some stories about this evil pastor.

Richy that's the mistake pple make, " He Loves her" " Kids to consider" sooner or later she may take her violence to another level and his children will be without a father, seperate twmporary let her get help but if he loves her so much let him stay and continue to enjoy tear gas it only gets worse, if they do one thingg today and u let them, dey try something harder tmr. Talking from experience, violence doest start with flogging, its starts with a slap u let them then blow, u let them then punch, den flogging then choking then stabbing

@chaircover, i just invented this method and so far it has been working fine. I use it at extreme cases. But u know women are dynamic creatures &i know she could one day develop resistance to this method, then that will get me back to d 'lab of peace' to develop a new formula(though to i pray this works for long o, lol) an example, she just joined an org and they've been going tru some trainings,&she'll be writing exams dis morning, so she had to sleep over at d company's guest house, so as to read overnit& she cald informing me just yestnit(we dont stay 2geder), i trust my lady, i could say dat again but dat dint stop me from asking d normal questions, come see whining, nag, nag,blah, u dont trust me,blah. Ur guy just kept his cool, then used his formula, bingo! Just as if they poured coldwater on her hotplate head, she cald back apologising, and a young man was able to have a good night rest!

@johndoe, thats a big prayer o and i say amen to it. But i think women(be they girlfriends or wives) are full of suprises, so one should anticipate and shouldnt be taken by suprises!