Dear Nairalanders,
My name is Feyishayo and here's my story.
I had a child 15 years ago for a man 14 years older than me. At my age(32) now have to to conclude that I was abused by this man . Had just finished my secondary education and when I met him and he was my tutor for the upcoming jamb exam. I was not promiscuous( for the judges). I was just a teenager. He de flowered me and though no promises were made I got pregnant. My father insisted I keep the pregnancy even when my mother and elder family members interfered and insisted on an abortion my father refused. I had my baby . The only right thing the concerned man( Rahman) did was acknowledge that the pregnancy is his . He got married to someone else a year after that and has 3 kids with her now. We speak few times a year only via mobile. His not part of my daughter's life . He has never spent a kobo on her , not seen her since she was 4. He lives abroad with his wife. I live abroad myself though in different countries. Everyday I think as though my child is an illegitimate child(she's his first) a bastard! My family and friends tell me otherwise but deep now I feel someone is just not willing to tell me the truth . I spoke with a friend a few months back and we discussed the matter and he was the only person with enough balls to tell me
'Rahman will never be part of your daughter's life. He has his own family and bitter as that might sound you and your daughter aint part of that family',
Nairalanders, I work hard to give my daughter the best education there is. She attends a boarding school in europe and she lacks nothing aside from not knowing her father or father's family. Will I be wrong tomorrow if he ever comes back to want to be part of her life and I refuse? Will I be judged for refusing him access to her? I don't ask him for anything than to be part of her life.

The only fabrication in this post is the names.

Sprinkles:

Dear Nairalanders,
My name is Feyishayo and here's my story.
I had a child 15 years ago for a man 14 years older than me. At my age(32) now have to to conclude that I was abused by this man . Had just finished my secondary education and when I met him and he was my tutor for the upcoming jamb exam. I was not promiscuous( for the judges). I was just a teenager. He de flowered me and though no promises were made I got pregnant. My father insisted I keep the pregnancy even when my mother and elder family members interfered and insisted on an abortion my father refused. I had my baby . The only right thing the concerned man( Rahman) did was acknowledge that the pregnancy is his . He got married to someone else a year after that and has 3 kids with her now. We speak few times a year only via mobile. His not part of my daughter's life . He has never spent a kobo on her , not seen her since she was 4. He lives abroad with his wife. I live abroad myself though in different countries. Everyday I think as though my child is an illegitimate child(she's his first) a bastard! My family and friends tell me otherwise but deep now I feel someone is just not willing to tell me the truth . I spoke with a friend a few months back and we discussed the matter and he was the only person with enough balls to tell me
'Rahman will never be part of your daughter's life. He has his own family and bitter as that might sound you and your daughter aint part of that family',
Nairalanders, I work hard to give my daughter the best education there is. She attends a boarding school in europe and she lacks nothing aside from not knowing her father or father's family. Will I be wrong tomorrow if he ever comes back to want to be part of her life and I refuse? Will I be judged for refusing him access to her? I don't ask him for anything than to be part of her life.

The only fabrication in this post is the names.

the child will demand to know her father one day whether you like it or not.

coogar:

the child will demand to know her father one day whether you like it or not.

Seconded. Haven't you heard stories about orphans looking for their biologocal parents? So why do you think your daughter is not going to ask about her father?
Assuming your daughter is now a teenager, try explaining your story to her, your fears and apprehensions included. There are two benefits in doing so, you can justify your part and your story could actually help her guard herself against these kind of abuses.

@op
- what will refusing to let him see his daughter achieve?!
- if you've gave your daughter the best that she can possibly get, where is your beef?
- what your friend told you is OBVIOUS(so far), did you expect/think about the issue any differently?

btw: care to explain the following contradictory question:
Will I be wrong tomorrow if he ever comes back to want to be part of her life and I refuse? Will I be judged for refusing him access to her? I don't ask him for anything than to be part of her life.

Speaking from experience you better make sure ur daughter knows her dad. It don't matter if he has contributed or not, just thank God u have been able to give her the best. Let her know the truth of the situation but don't be selfish, let her meet him. If they get along fine, if he rejects her fine.its somthing every human needs.

My mum was just like u she didn't allow me to meet my dad she was bitter too. I loved her, she was my world but as I grew the desire became more. I finally met him when I was 13 (3 yrs b4 he passed away). There was no fantastic bond or anything. But the truth is u only hav 1 dad. I'm happy I knew him. I know his other children, that's all really.

Just let go, if he wants to b part of her lyf in future fine but trust mi ur daughter will always appreiciate n love you. She will even more when she has her own kids.

BTW ur child is NOT a bastard!

(I planted apollos waterd, but God gave the increase)

First of all your child is not a bastard. Was not a bastard and never will be a bastard. Just drop that line of thinking. This is were a diasgree with everyone else. I believe that if he comes tomorrow and wants to be a part of her life you should protect her. When she is an adult she can go looking for him with your blessing. Don't let him come in to ease his guilt and thenleave and carry on with his other family and your daughter will be devastated. She will want to know about her father one day but I believe it is not a good time now especially with his history of being a dead beat

The point is Rahman never asks for his daughter. I do the calling several times and sometimes I go through stress to get his number . I always send out her photos through emails without him asking. He does not say anything about her growth or achievements. He hardly replies my mails and when he does is ' feyi am doing fine' u? I try to make him part of her life . To be part of her teenage years but he refuses. not verbally. She has never asked me about her father;not once!
Is it fair? Or is there something I can do to  make him act otherwise? I don't want him coming during his old days like I see in d movies d asking her for forgiveness. I will end up feeling cheated

@ Sprinkles, you've probably realised in your travels that "bastard" as described by many people isn't the same as the Nigerian definition.

Personally I have my own opinion on it, but I would say this; do not stop your daughter from meeting or knowing her father. If she wants to contact him, let her. Whatever relationship they forge or don't is between them. Think about it; if you had someone in your life, would you be keeping up this contact with him? I doubt it would be to the extent it is now. Just make sure you don't lose touch with him for your daughter's sake.

You are under no obligation to keep him updating on his daughter's progress. All you can do is to bring her up as best as you can, leave the rest over which you have no control to God.

Your daughter has every right to know who her father is. However, I will advise that you don't force that relationship for now. You see, time has its own way of mending broken bridges. Rahman will one day wake up from his slumber and want to meet with his daughter. Your daughter also will grow up and decide to know her father. You really owe her that.

For now, I will encourage you to concentrate on other activities. If you are not married, try building healthy relationships with other people even men. Am not saying you should go get pregnant for someone again, certainly not! However, you need to embed yourself in relationships that will boost your self esteem and that will encourage you to see your daughter from a loving perspective. Please drop that nonsense thought that she is a bastard. You have been a strong pillar of support to her these 14years so now is not the time to start brooding over the past.

It really can be hard considering her father is not involved in her upbringing however, just leave everything to God. Send her pictures when he wants to see them and don't inundate him with unnecessary calls. You don't want his wife coming after you and at the same time, you don't want to ruin his marriage with his wife starting to think that he is still seeing you. Call only when the occasion demands it.

Most importantly, show love to your daughter and all will be well.

Move on with your life and leave the past where it belongs!

Sprinkles:

The point is Rahman never asks for his daughter. I do the calling several times and sometimes I go through stress to get his number . I always send out her photos through emails without him asking. He does not say anything about her growth or achievements. He hardly replies my mails and when he does is ' feyi am doing fine' u? I try to make him part of her life . To be part of her teenage years but he refuses. not verbally. She has never asked me about her father;not once!
Is it fair? Or is there something I can do to  make him act otherwise? I don't want him coming during his old days like I see in d movies d asking her for forgiveness. I will end up feeling cheated

i know it's quite sad that he doesn't ask for his daughter and he's been watching from a distance but that is the only way he can preserve his marriage with his new partner. if he gets too involved with you and your daughter then the other woman at home would start her own way. he cannot serve two masters at the same time and unfortunately, you are the one less favoured.

men are not monsters - women make men monsters.
let's flip the script a bit. assuming you are the new wife and you are aware your husband once had a love child with a woman. how involved would you let him be them? be honest with yourself!!! no woman wants her husband to visit another woman and another child on a regular basis. women's insecurity and their possessive nature are the reasons some men don't look back in this kind of scenario.

The body of the story and the above subject has no direct relationship; but if you insist then please check with me if you will the dictionary meaning of the word - "bastard". Sadly the truth is bitter but its a consequence of actions taking; better give your daughter a good sex education instead of leaving her at the mercy of teachers in the boarding house. It is up to the girl to decide later in life if she wants to link up back with her father, just make sure she understands the reason for your actions.

Sprinkles:

Dear Nairalanders,
My name is Feyishayo and here's my story.
I had a child 15 years ago for a man 14 years older than me. At my age(32) now have to to conclude that I was abused by this man . Had just finished my secondary education and when I met him and he was my tutor for the upcoming jamb exam. I was not promiscuous( for the judges). I was just a teenager. He de flowered me and though no promises were made I got pregnant. My father insisted I keep the pregnancy even when my mother and elder family members interfered and insisted on an abortion my father refused. I had my baby . The only right thing the concerned man( Rahman) did was acknowledge that the pregnancy is his . He got married to someone else a year after that and has 3 kids with her now. We speak few times a year only via mobile. His not part of my daughter's life . He has never spent a kobo on her , not seen her since she was 4. He lives abroad with his wife. I live abroad myself though in different countries. Everyday I think as though my child is an illegitimate child(she's his first) a bastard! My family and friends tell me otherwise but deep now I feel someone is just not willing to tell me the truth . I spoke with a friend a few months back and we discussed the matter and he was the only person with enough balls to tell me
'Rahman will never be part of your daughter's life. He has his own family and bitter as that might sound you and your daughter aint part of that family',
Nairalanders, I work hard to give my daughter the best education there is. She attends a boarding school in europe and she lacks nothing aside from not knowing her father or father's family. Will I be wrong tomorrow if he ever comes back to want to be part of her life and I refuse? Will I be judged for refusing him access to her? I don't ask him for anything than to be part of her life.

The only fabrication in this post is the names.

Awwwwwww, my heart goes out to you. Continue to give your daughter the best you can irrespective of the circumstance of her birth. Don't be too hard on yourself too. As for him (father) wanting to be part of your daughter's life- just do this:

Allow him access to her in terms of talking on phone and/or visits. However, at no point in time should you release her into his custody. By the time your daughter grows up (hopefully with love from you) she should be able to decide how she wants to relate with her father. He is her father by nature but the fact that he has not nurtured her will speak for itself when the time is right.

Try not to be too sad, cheer up

Btw, I forgot to add this to my earlier reply

Your child is not a bastard. A layman uses the term bastard to describe someone who cannot pinpoint one person as his/her father. Your child has a father and the man was atleast 'man enough' to own up the responsibility. So technically, your daughter is not a bastard. Please stop labelling the child for no fault of hers.

Anytime your daughter desires to have a rship with her father pls let her. Only prepare her for the hurt that may come her way if her father is cold to her. Life is too short to be bitter in the meanwhile stop sending mails and going out of your way to send pictures to him. Live your life and forget he exists till further notice and your child may not have an active father but she has you an active,loving mother sometimes thats enough.

.

Ok i will drink panadol on your behalf,

F**K Rahman and bastards like him, and yes pack him in a tartared suitcase and put him out in the cold the shed is too good for his like,

Ok now for the truth

He is your daughter's father as bad as that is, If your daughter is 16 and above i will have a talk with her and give her , her dad mobile number not because that will make him change but becos as the case may be we cannot protect our kids forever. The world has got 2 sides and she needs to know which her dad is on and come to her own conclusion.
I will also tell her not to take sides i will only tell her good things about her dad and if there are none then i will not mention his bad part , in your shoes i will give her his email address, his phone number, his pictures and "steel" my heart because its likely she will see her wolf father for who he is but thats not your fault , that is her father, nothing is a coincidence and there most be something for them both to learn from eachother afterall she is his blood ,

Now to you, have you remarried or are you still hurting?
Put yourself out there and get the best man you can, you are a good mum and have paid your dues.
Make peace with that bad incident but please move on , life is too long to live it in sorry and anger.

Rahman and men like him will meet their own.
Reminds me of one lesson teacher we had , he didnot know my dad was home and started singing one popular song, I wanna s,e.x you up, My dad seexed him out of the gate with a i will shoot you next time i set my eyes on you.

why are you bothering and wasting your time? Rahman doesnt ask for his daughter neither is his daughter worried about him so exactly what is the need for all this unnecessary stress?

this is my problem with women . . . if i were part of your family i would have insisted you abort the baby. Now you're trapped with another man's child, while he is off enjoying himself with his own real family with not a single care in the world for either you or the illegitimate child (because face it, that is what she is). Are you yourself married? Do you have your own family or are you going to be defined by the "single mom" title forever? Stay there worrying about a man who gives not a fig about your child. I can bet where all the fotos you send him go - directly into the trash section of his email.

And NO your child is not a bastard , she just has a useless father , no be today , they dey born pickin out of wedlock but real men will take responsibility for their child by the way since he is abroad , file for child support and plssssssssssss donot say it is not neccessary that money is not yours its for your daughter so you have no RIGHT to refuse it,

More women should learn to think like men, file today before your precious child turns 18 oh, men are paying child support for kids that are not theirs.

Talkless of, Take everything and arrears and place it in a trustfund or mortgage for your daughter that is her own inheritance.

Do it today he will be paying you for the next few years , if you like see this as a revenge but it is NOT, its the right thing to do and it is for your daughter.

P.S you will not need to call and remind him that he has a child with you the CSA will do that for you dear. oniranu okunrin

horny4u:

And NO your child is not a bastard , she just has a useless father , no be today , they dey born pickin out of wedlock but real men will take responsibility for their child [b]by the way since he is abroad , file for child support [/b]and plssssssssssss donot say it is not neccessary that money is not yours its for your daughter so you have no RIGHT to refuse it,

huh? Because the child was born abroad or what?
Did you not read where she explicitly says they both live in different countries?

horny4u:

Ok i will drink panadol on your behalf,

bleep Rahman and bastards like him, and yes pack him in a tartared suitcase and put him out in the cold the shed is too good for his like,

what would you have rahman do in a situation like this?
showing love and attention to his daughter would eventually lead to problems in his own family. he has to choose one.
there's no balancing act here. the other woman would never be comfortable with rahman going to see the daughter and her mother.

women are too thick to understand this!
insecurities won't let them understand. they believe the past is a past for a reason and for peace to reign, men tend to stand aloof and watch from a distance. in the near future, rahman would be back to be a father to his daughter. but not yet!

davidylan:

huh? Because the child was born abroad or what?
Did you not read where she explicitly says they both live in different countries?

That does not matter sir.
If she gets her  lawyers involved she will file from where-ever she is to where he is , the only place a man can go scot free without paying for his kid is in Nig.

Now she may seem foolish and like she got what she deserves and she shld let the man be afterall he now has his own family  but the best way to feel her pain is
1.) " what if she was your daughter"
2.  the sem,en that produced taht gal did not fall from heaven.
3) After using her mum should he use her two ah ki je meji laba jo!

He may not give a F that he has a child somewhere but the LAW does , and Madam you are on the right side of that law, he will pay.
Plus if you truly want to prove that your child is not a bastard , what better way than a cheque towards a house for her or tuition to harvard, i no money is not your problem but it will help prove it took 2.

coogar:

what would you have rahman do in a situation like this?
showing love and attention to his daughter would eventually lead to problems in his own family. he has to choose one.
there's no balancing act here. the other woman would never be comfortable with rahman going to see the daughter and her mother.

women are too thick to understand this!
insecurities won't let them understand. they believe the past is a past for a reason and for peace to reign, men tend to stand aloof and watch from a distance. in the near future, rahman would be back to be a father to his daughter. but not yet!

How unfair !
Is her daughter born with bow legs or 3 noses ,
did her daughter not originate from the same semeen tank as others
Men like Rahman have no balls then if he snobs his own blood becos of another woman,
anyway thats a small matter
Madam get the money for your kid soon MRS Rahman will no he not only has a kid but he MUST be responsible for that child.
She is also his semenn.

horny4u:

How unfair !
Is her daughter born with bow legs or 3 noses ,
did her daughter not originate from the same semeen tank as others
Men like Rahman have no balls then if he snobs his own blood becos of another woman,
anyway thats a small matter
Madam  get the money for your kid soon MRS Rahman will no he not only has a kid but he MUST be responsible for that child.
She is also his semenn.

preach this to all the married women out there. . .
but before you do, let me test you on this. . . . .

would you let your loving husband visit his love-child and the mother of his love--child in another country or another state?

horny4u:

That does not matter sir.
If she gets her  lawyers involved she will file from where-ever she is to where he is , the only place a man can go scot free without paying for his kid is in Nig.

Now she may seem foolish and like she got what she deserves and she shld let the man be afterall he now has his own family  but the best way to feel her pain is
1.) " what if she was your daughter"
2.  the sem,en that produced taht gal did not fall from heaven.
3) After using her mum should he use her two ah ki je meji laba jo!

He may not give a F that he has a child somewhere but the LAW does , and Madam you are on the right side of that law, he will pay.
Plus if you truly want to prove that your child is not a bastard , what better way than a cheque towards a house for her or tuition to harvard, i no money is not your problem but it will help prove it took 2.

1. She cant be my daughter, she would NOT be allowed to have that child, period. I am a man, i know the person who suffers the most from unintended pregnancies is the woman who is too clueless to think beyond "my baby is cute" to realise how such a scenario may have negative influences on the innocent child's life in the future. While dear Mr. Rahman has moved on to a new life, our dear sprinkles is still trapped, suffering from the consequences of a mistake 15 yrs ago. How sad and totally preventable. Had she aborted the pregnancy she would long have relegated Rahman to the dustbin of history where animals like him belong.

2. Your call that she apply for child support is emotional nonsense not supported by reality.
a. the child was born in nigeria so ergo we can assume the child has a nigerian birth certificate. Which foreign court are you assuming will enforce fatherhood rights?
b. they both live in separate countries so Rahman can choose not to show up for court . . . unless you expect Sprinkles to move to Rahman's country just to fight for child support.
c. What if Rahman denies paternity?

Lets be realistic here.

davidylan:

1. She cant be my daughter, she would NOT be allowed to have that child, period. I am a man, i know the person who suffers the most from unintended pregnancies is the woman who is too clueless to think beyond "my baby is cute" to realise how such a scenario may have negative influences on the innocent child's life in the future. While dear Mr. Rahman has moved on to a new life, our dear sprinkles is still trapped, suffering from the consequences of a mistake 15 yrs ago. How sad and totally preventable. Had she aborted the pregnancy she would long have relegated Rahman to the dustbin of history where animals like him belong.

2. Your call that she apply for child support is emotional nonsense not supported by reality.
a. the child was born in nigeria so ergo we can assume the child has a nigerian birth certificate. Which foreign court are you assuming will enforce fatherhood rights?
b. they both live in separate countries so Rahman can choose not to show up for court . . . unless you expect Sprinkles to move to Rahman's country just to fight for child support.
c. What if Rahman denies paternity?

Lets be realistic here.

I am against abortion NOW that is my belief and not open to any sort of debate, I am NOT turning my nose down at people who do it .

if you insist on an abortion and your pretty daughter insists she will keep the baby nko? life is not always black and white


My comment is actually devoid of emotions and quite masculine , DNA is reality and can prove he is the father of her child , let him be on the moon he will pay, the only location that will save him is NIG.

They may be in separate countries then she should contact the country where he lives, location does not change the fact that the gal is his.


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Do you want to avoid contact with the other parent?

With an arrangement using the CSA, you don't have to be in contact with the other parent, or even know where they live.
Even if the parent without the main day-to-day care won't accept responsibility for a child, the CSA can try to trace them and put in place a child maintenance arrangement.
Could you work together and trust each other?

If the parent without the main day-to-day care isn't willing to co-operate or share their income, the CSA can get details from their employer or the Government.
Just remember that the more legal things become between you and the other parent, the more stressful it may be on your relationship with them.
If you and the other parent can find a way to work together without involving anyone else, it may be easier on your child and your relationship with the other parent.

http://www.cmoptions.org/en/options/child-support-agency.asp

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coogar:

preach this to all the married women out there. . .
but before you do, let me test you on this. . . . .

would you let your loving husband visit his love-child and the mother of his love--child in another country or another state?

As a matter of fact my hubby's kid comes to my home most evening, and he gets a nice meal most times and a hot cuppa and crackers always
As a matter of fact i treat him like he were from my belle.



Donot forget , "love child or not " he is my kid's brother and if i cannot love him then how can i say i say i love my hubby or my kid and thats a big shame on me.


Am not an angel but thats not one of my weaknesses.

chaircover:

Sadly Coggar is right.

Many women will feel uncomfortable with their husbands communicating with an ex lover regardless of whether there is a child involved or not. Unfortunately that is the way many of us think forgetting that things like this can happen to anybody.

This explains why some stepmothers are so wicked. Men also do have a part to play in this because they dont help in allaying the womans fears and concerns and that is when you hear men say things like "once de be always de be" so the woman is always wondering if hubby is Being Intimate with the ex all in the name of visiting the kids.

We also dont know if rahman even told his new wife that he had a love child. It sounds like a hush hush to me because if the child and the mother were fully accepted then even if rahman doesn't enquire after his child, his parents and extended family will.

One day rahman will sum up enough courage to do the right thing and if he doesn't like I said, that's his loss.

If a man wants to love his child , NOTHING can stop him, infact ordinary to pursue ashawo nothing can stop him, talkless of a whole child ,
Rahman is a use less man.
This is the same way a man will maltreat his parents people will say it is his wife.
if rahman were to go away with another woman , no jupiter can stop him
he is n irresponsible nitwit and she shld take him for the money that is the language a gog like him understands , thats why the law has been made, use it!

horny4u:

As a matter of fact my hubby's kid comes to my home most evening, and he gets a nice meal most times and a hot cuppa and crackers always    As a matter of fact i treat him like he were from my belle.

that's the kid.
what about his mother? would you let your husband visit her?

Do not forget , "love child or not " he is my kid's brother and if i cannot love him then how can i say i say i love my hubby or my kid and thats a big shame on me.
Am not an angel but thats not one of my weaknesses.

your hubby's kid coming to your house to eat is 50% of the problem and i would even say that is still convenient for you.
the question is - would you let the mother of the child come into your house or would you let your husband visit her?

cos when he doesn't visit, the other woman goes to a forum to report and members of the forum would call the husband a b[i]a[/i]stard.

chaircover:

Sadly Coggar is right.

Some women will feel uncomfortable with their husbands communicating with an ex lover regardless of whether there is a child involved or not.

some women? you are being economical with the truth here.
all women feel uncomfortable with their husbands communicating with their exes.

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