in my office,weneva de c me laughing badly-de know i have gone to nairaland.
even this thread want to kill me wit laugh.there have ben many others-too many to metion.


please keep me laughing

My Scary story. . .
February 1st 2004, Umuahia, Abia state. I was doing my NYSC at that time and Manchester United were playing Arse-Anal. As a staunch Man Utd fan, that was a match i couldn't have missed. I was staying in The Catholic Corpers Lodge, and also moonlighting at a guest house with a friend of mine. the guest house was like 300metres from the 'Viewing centre'
The match started at about 10:30pm, if you know Umuahia you'd know that the roads are empty at around 8pm, so by this time the road was empty, but there were over 20 people in the viewing centre so i felt it was pretty safe. . .
The match ended 3-0 or 3-1, after 12 midnight, it ended on my birthday (feb 2nd, my best birthday present!!!), so i started going home. to my profound horror, i found out that all those people there were all off duty okada men, they zoomed off on their okadas and left me alone on that dark road.
I jogged down to the guest house, pounded on the gate. i'd forgotten they lock the gate by 12 midnight and they don't ever open it until 6am. I knock tire, no answer. I didnt carry my phone because of fear of theft.
So i started jogging the 1km distance to the Catholic Corpers lodge

Scare #1
100m down the road, a police pick up[ pulled up beside me, 2 cops jumped out and levelled their Mark IVs at my head! I nearly shit myself. They roughly demanded to know who i was and where was i going? i told 'em i was a corper and i went to watch the match, and that i was heading to the Corpers Lodge. They asked me to reach into my pocket slowly and brin gout my ID card. I did that and gave it to them. One now asked the other one to search me. i'd forgotten that earlier that day i had won a big pocket knife in the Guinness promo and it was still in my back pocket. COme and see the look on their face when they pulled out this wicked looking pen knife. I hastily explained that i won it from the promo. The guy looked at me fo rlike 1 minute (almost shat myself once again) before telling me to go home. i speedily complied!!

Scare #2
About 600m down the road, i was already recovering from the poilce scare when i started really getting scared about how quiet and ghostly the whole place was. all the tales i'd been hearing on flesh-eating cannibals and kidnappers/ritualists started surfacing. it didn't help when i jogged past a house and saw an old woman raking leaves together and burning them. What kind of person would be burning leaves at 12:30am? And she looked so witch-like. the next house had like 3 youths outside talking in hushed tones. all fell silent and watched me jog pass. I come dey fear, come dey regret say i go watch match that day. The next thing i knew, something moving very very fast flew just above my head. you know the kind of noise and disturbance u feel/hear when someone throws a stone very close to your ear? that's what it felt like. But this was somethin gmuch faster and silent.
Every single hair on my body (from my head to my nearly hairless ass) stood on end. see d kind fear wey catch me, eh? I didn't wait to see if it was a bird, an arrow or a low-flying witch. I kicked my palm slippers ahead of me, caught them midair (in a move even Jet-Li couldnt have done) and took to my heels. I'm pretty sure i averaged 50mph!! Even worse, i was running uphill and my heart was pounding like crazy.

Scare #3
I got to the corpers lodge, everyone was sleeping. . .! I nearly renounced Manchester United then and there!

I hammered on the gate and someone finally woke up, where i was led, shaking and gibbering some incomprehensible stuff about witches and policemen and Arrows and bakassi boys. . . the only thing they could make of this was that Man Utd won


And that's my worst scare ever!


I thot this post by texasspete (did i get the name right) was hilarious

omoge:

there was a really funny thread about using witchcraft to travel to Asia. i think the guy said he traveled as a witch. it was so funny . i forgot where that thread is now.

SEARCH 4 IT

There's a business am planning on starting but i need assistance. To succeed in this business i think you have to be a witch.I would pay good money for the opportunity. The privilege few who are members should let me know. The possibilities of witches are endless.The ability to fly to China at night and returning before breakfast is what am talking about.I need this for a project am doing. I tried searching the internet but most of the witches i found were not in Nigeria, the nearest was in Cote'de'voire. As i said i will pay good money.Thanks for your help.

How To Fly To China As A Witch?

kai


i think the jokes section sef no beat some of these stuffs

This is the funniest thread

Thank you Seun for helping me out. Mustay shey you see

@ seun001 AKA "the good Seun"
how are you my brother?
bless you

babyosisi, u dey look for trouble ehn

spoilt:

this is one of the strangest threads. Black charms to get visa? please!
A relative of mine was told by a babalawo to bring N50,000 and a whole bunch of other stuff for a visa consultation. He was given an egg to throw on the wall. The baba said if the egg breaks no visa, if it doesnt you'll be granted visa. I'll just let you draw your conclusions here. I tire oh !

bwahaha this one is def a classic mehn, gawd!!!

@ aloib there must be a way to differentiate one Seun from another,LOL.
Spoilt is very funny,her posts always crack me up.

i hear u, lol
gosh that post cracked me up mehn, the chica don kolo

@ omoge

Considering How Long I Have Been On Nairaland, Mehn You Know I Have had my Share of FUNNY!!!

Some of The Funniest Things on Here aren't EVEN in the Joke Section oo.

I will think of a couple, and post them here, But I Believe this thread is fast becoming the funniest Thread on NL!!

+osisi:

@ aloib there must be a way to differentiate one Seun from another,LOL.
Spoilt is very funny,her posts always crack me up.

eres the diff,

Seun
and

seun001


am the numba double O one!

Check this out! Written by mimiko.


Re: What A Wife
« #14 on: August 13, 2007, 12:57 PM » 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
  READ THE CONVERSATION: Hello? Hi, this is Raheema calling from Hollywood Hereafter Resources. I just wanted to let you know
that your phone number was randomly selected in a drawing and we have reserved a free burial space for you at the New Island
Cemetery in Bridge- WHAT?! If you would just give me your name and address. I want to send you a letter to confirm the free
burial space we have reserved for you - You reserved what for me, A grave? A free burial space. What's the difference? Well, the
word "grave" can be scary sir. You can disregard the letter if you don't want it. This is just a courtesy call to -  How interesting.
So, as a Telemarketer, you pick up the phone and cold call people to pitch them with offers? Well, yes sir. We always make sure
it is something of potential interest to them - Of course. Who wouldn't be interested in dying? I am definitely interested in a
grave. I am. That is a very important decision to make before you die, right? I agree with you sir. You're so open-minded about
this. A lot of people don't understand why it is so important to hand-pick your final resting place before you pass on. It ensures
you get the kind of burial you want for yourself. I see say na you them send come. I'm sorry? Send, come? Oh, they don't use the
witchdoctor in the village anymore, right? They have gone nuclear and now are using Americans. Na you them send come! I'm
sorry sir, but I don't know what you're talking about. I get fillage too o! I be proper bush boy and my mama still dey kampe for
waterside. Na one phone call e go take and she go run go fillage go get me Gold Circle condom protection, you hear. Una no dey
here say e better for somebody? Why na so-so make una dey spoil person own una dey like? I don't understand what you're
saying - You go understand by force. Na airmail I go take send winch to you, you hear. Una think say una know winch just
because una dey do halloween. You think winch na that abracadabra una dey do for America? You think na to chant poetry and
cook soup with lizard yansh and frog tongue be winch? I go show you where we dey use snake leg do ogbonge juju. Black
winch, red winch, multi-color winch,  For my fillage, na your eyes I go take flavor the juju. You go know betta winch when my own
army land. I do apologize to you if my phone call has offended you in any way -  You have not offended me. I am not offended.
Do I sound offended? Why would I be offended because you - kind-hearted telemarketer that you are - reserved a grave for me?
Do you know how old I am? 32. In my country, people don't die at 32. When they die so young, it is a major tragedy! My mother
and father are still alive. You want me to die before them? I didn't mean anything - You people never mean anything when you
make these stupid phone calls. How dare you wish me death -  No, that's not what - I DON'T CARE! Do you know how many
years I worked on getting a visa to come to America? 10 years. 10! Do you know how many laws I broke in so many countries
before I found my way here? I have been here only 2 years. All the people who gave me loans to buy ticket and visa have not
been paid. My mother and father are still waiting for me to perform the magic of Dollars for them in Nigeria. This telephone was
just connected 2 months ago because I am just now able to afford a telephone because I cannot make good money due to my
illegal alien status. And now, you want me to die before I can even begin to enjoy a little, Ah, your own don spoil o. I swear, e no
go betta for you. E no, what? Na hand ya mama and papa go take bury you. And na there eyes them go take cry for you for that
yeye grave wey you don reserve for yaself. Are you cussing me sir? Cuss you? Why should I? Why would I want to cuss
someone who is offering me a grave? I am only reacting in my local English. That is how we behave when we are overwhelmed
with joy in my country. I just had a distinct feeling that you were not saying nice things about me. See this wowo wey craw-craw
don chop him yansh finish,  Look, just as an aside, are all the members of your family reserved space in your graveyard? Some of
them do have - No, don't stop there. You should get everybody a plot. I go help you use juju finish all of them make una dey go
do whassup my dog for Hollywood, abi na where you dey call from. I have to hang up now sir. Before you hang up, would you by
any chance know anything about a scam where telemarketers call people on the phone to assure them they have a free burial
space, then try to get them to buy expensive mausoleums and crypts? What is it called? Bait and switch, right? I don't know
what you're talking about. You get pickin? Get picking? Picking what? You get pickin? You don born bomboy? Mai you dash your
pickin the grave now. Dash picking, You' re dissing me? Diss? Dis one pass diss, agaracha. Dis one na K.I.S.S., kiss - serious kiss
of death. I have to hang up now sir. No, please wait. Let me reserve the whole cemetery for your unborn children. I will also
reserve a full page in the Daily Times obituary section -  That's mean! You can't talk to me like that just because I'm a
telemarketer. We are people too. Yes, bad people, People who call me at all kinds of hours to trick me into buying what I don't
need. I'm going to report you to the INS! You will be deported! My juju go don finish you before you reach the place! Winch pass
winch! You no go die betta, I tell you. I go make sure say them give you craze first, make you waka enter K-Mart abi wetin una
dey call market for this side - before them finish you! She reserve grave, Why you no take knife come kill me yaself? E no go
betta for - Hello? You hang up? Why you no wait make I finish? Why you no wait? Oloshi! Na dead dog wey get rabies go chop
the mouth you take talk to me.

@Oyie!

U are lucky o, They blocked the site in my office becos it was just too addictive so na for outside office i for dey browse nairaland.

young_nigg (m)
stafford university


Please Who Go Fit Help Me With Mtn Card Of 1500 Naira God Will Pay You Back
« on: August 24, 2007, 01:09 PM »

PLEASE WHO GO FIT HELP ME WITH MTN CARD OF 1500 NAIRA GOD WILL PAY You BACK

I particularly found this cry for help funny because it was posted on the health forum.

I'VE GOT SOME CASH 2 GIVE OUT THRU THIS MONITOR.
move ur mouse up 2 the boxes[minimise,restore down and close]

are u there YET?

ok,ur just a 'CLICK' away to the fourtune

NOW 'click' on the box 'CLOSE ' TO recive ur fourtune, CONGRATULATIONS

use the search facility and look for it

https://www.nairaland.com/nigeria?topic=78280.msg1484178#msg1484178

Have You Heared Of Yahoozee Search Engine Powered By Google. For Y:
THERE IS A NEW SEARCH ENGINE CALLED YAHOOZEE. THE SEARCH ENGINE IS POWERED BY GOOGLE.IT IS USED BY MOST NIGERIAN WEBMASTERS FOR SEARCHING THE INTERNET.
THE SEARCH ENGINE IS HOSTED BY www.playersclubng.com

FOR INSTANT ACCESS TO THE SEARCH PAGE ,
VISIT : www.playersclubng.com/yahoozee.html

this is damn funny,
lame         

https://www.nairaland.com/nigeria/topic-77351.0.html#msg1489709

[b]My Scary story. . .
February 1st 2004, Umuahia, Abia state. I was doing my NYSC at that time and Manchester United were playing Arse-Anal. As a staunch Man Utd fan, that was a match i couldn't have missed. I was staying in The Catholic Corpers Lodge, and also moonlighting at a guest house with a friend of mine. the guest house was like 300metres from the 'Viewing centre'
The match started at about 10:30pm, if you know Umuahia you'd know that the roads are empty at around 8pm, so by this time the road was empty, but there were over 20 people in the viewing centre so i felt it was pretty safe. . .
The match ended 3-0 or 3-1, after 12 midnight, it ended on my birthday (feb 2nd, my best birthday present!!!), so i started going home. to my profound horror, i found out that all those people there were all off duty okada men, they zoomed off on their okadas and left me alone on that dark road.
I jogged down to the guest house, pounded on the gate. i'd forgotten they lock the gate by 12 midnight and they don't ever open it until 6am. I knock tire, no answer. I didnt carry my phone because of fear of theft.
So i started jogging the 1km distance to the Catholic Corpers lodge

Scare #1
100m down the road, a police pick up[ pulled up beside me, 2 cops jumped out and levelled their Mark IVs at my head! I nearly shit myself. They roughly demanded to know who i was and where was i going? i told 'em i was a corper and i went to watch the match, and that i was heading to the Corpers Lodge. They asked me to reach into my pocket slowly and brin gout my ID card. I did that and gave it to them. One now asked the other one to search me. i'd forgotten that earlier that day i had won a big pocket knife in the Guinness promo and it was still in my back pocket. COme and see the look on their face when they pulled out this wicked looking pen knife. I hastily explained that i won it from the promo. The guy looked at me fo rlike 1 minute (almost shat myself once again) before telling me to go home. i speedily complied!!

Scare #2
About 600m down the road, i was already recovering from the poilce scare when i started really getting scared about how quiet and ghostly the whole place was. all the tales i'd been hearing on flesh-eating cannibals and kidnappers/ritualists started surfacing. it didn't help when i jogged past a house and saw an old woman raking leaves together and burning them. What kind of person would be burning leaves at 12:30am? And she looked so witch-like. the next house had like 3 youths outside talking in hushed tones. all fell silent and watched me jog pass. I come dey fear, come dey regret say i go watch match that day. The next thing i knew, something moving very very fast flew just above my head. you know the kind of noise and disturbance u feel/hear when someone throws a stone very close to your ear? that's what it felt like. But this was somethin gmuch faster and silent.
Every single hair on my body (from my head to my nearly hairless ass) stood on end. see d kind fear wey catch me, eh? I didn't wait to see if it was a bird, an arrow or a low-flying witch. I kicked my palm slippers ahead of me, caught them midair (in a move even Jet-Li couldnt have done) and took to my heels. I'm pretty sure i averaged 50mph!! Even worse, i was running uphill and my heart was pounding like crazy.

Scare #3
I got to the corpers lodge, everyone was sleeping. . .! I nearly renounced Manchester United then and there!

I hammered on the gate and someone finally woke up, where i was led, shaking and gibbering some incomprehensible stuff about witches and policemen and Arrows and bakassi boys. . . the only thing they could make of this was that Man Utd won


And that's my worst scare ever!


I thot this post by texasspete (did i get the name right) was hilarious


Damn funny!!!
Devils for life

[/b]

ps: Salsera's scare story got me in stitches!!!

mukina 2 that one dry jo

"Every single hair on my body (from my head to my nearly hairless ass) stood on end. see d kind fear wey catch me, eh? I didn't wait to see if it was a bird, an arrow or a low-flying witch. I kicked my palm slippers ahead of me, caught them midair (in a move even Jet-Li couldnt have done) and took to my heels. I'm pretty sure i averaged 50mph!! Even worse, i was running uphill and my heart was pounding like crazy."


This was damn too funny. . LMSAO

Walahi I swear this is d funniest thread on nairaland so far

https://www.nairaland.com/nigeria/topic-77296.0.html

Ah, there have been many funny posts that I've come across on nairaland. One of them is this cute one by amaikama in the Romance section, where he advised Pinkttea not to meet with an ex-boyfriend:

amaikama:
Pinkttea, my advice. don't dare give him that satisfaction of you and him having lunch and chatting with him. after 9 month he now pop up like a movie star that went sabbatical resurface to be given a rosy welcome by his fans.

It was really funny.

roflmao

Onyeka ng,
In your mind you are good at English and you can as well correct people's grammatical errors;is'nt it? Shame on you as your own contribution to this thread also has a spelling error.Is that how to spell Nonsense?
Find your error below:



''I Need your Couragement I Was Drive Out from D Skool In My Final Year
Please i need u courage i am in my final year i was drive out in my school bco i ask my friend a question in d exam hall.''

this post is arrant nonscence,not to talk of the grammatical errors.my God! this is terrible

CHECK THIS ONE OUT AD U'LL BE SOME USE THEIR HEADS FOR

[size=18pt] I Want My Family Name Be On Guiness Book Of Record,guess What I Want To Do. [/size]

https://www.nairaland.com/nigeria/topic-77167.0.html

I burst out laughing to find out what HEADMOUTH is!!!

Go look the link and thread title I provide below:

"What would you do if you find out that your bf/gf turns out 2 be a headmouth"

https://www.nairaland.com/nigeria/topic-38659.0.html