H-Star89:

my mom is igbo, my dad is VERY happy. idk lol

tpia@:

the catholic church frowns on divorce, and most igbos are catholics.

Ijawman:


Re: Which Is Better: High Bride Price (igbo) & High Divorce Rate (hausa And Yoruba)

•Cost of marriage in Igboland causes furore,but kinsmen begin amendment of list
By Chioma Igbokwe (misty4reel@yahoo.com)
Saturday, June 13, 2009

Today in Igboland, marriage has become a project for people the society see as having arrived financially. This entails that the intending groom would be ready to cater for the family of the wife should there be need for that, after he must have performed all the rites required to take a lady as wife.


•The Igbo’s traditional wedding
PHOTO: THE SUN PUBLISHING

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In most cases a junior sibling of the new wife would be attached to the new family to train. Whatever it takes, the man would be ready to foot the bills in order to be respected among the kinsmen of the in-laws.

But the duel of the husband to-be-would only get to the other commitments after he must have scaled the first hurdles. On the day of the traditional marriage, the kinsmen who might have taken laxative pills prior to the day would be in attendance to feast to their fill and probably get drunk too. Findings show that because of the endless demands made on the intending husband, traditional marriage seems to be phasing out as some parents would organize it in the city where they reside while the new wife would gladly move into the man’s house after the event.

Such factors have been responsible for low patronage of the marriage institution and a threat to the family system.

As a result, fathers are battling to give out their daughters on time or run the risk of leaving them unmarried. To achieve this they go out of their way to satisfy these kinsmen by allowing them have their way on the endless demands.

A young spouse, Chinwe, in one of such instances had to inform his embattled father to send for her whenever they were ready as her things were already in her suitor’s house. Knowing the implication and being a respectable person in the society, Chinwe’s father had to sell his land just to ensure that he was not turned into an object of ridicule by his kinsmen. With that he was able to raise N250,000 to support his in-law whose annual income was N300,000 to marry the daughter.

Igbo traditional marriage is cheap

But with the escalating demands, Chief Ukeje Eloagu, traditional ruler in Isuikwuato; now in his late 60s still insists that marriage in Igboland is cheap. He strongly disagrees with claims that the Igbo traditional marriage is expensive. He told Saturday Sun that Igbo traditional marriage is the cheapest and best so far. He blamed the kinsmen who are out to spite the family as the real problem of the system, especially when they could be controlled by the father of the bride.

History

According to Eloagu, the original marriage system was the least expensive as there was no money in circulation. “During those days all a man needed was to be a good citizen, a responsible man and if he finds a good girl of his choice, the young man will inform his parents and with a keg of palm wine and kolanuts, they will visit the family of the girl.”

Having made his intention known to the family of the bride, the groom will be asked to return for a second visit when they would allow their daughter to go home with the family of her intending husband in order to confirm whether she likes the place or not. If she returns with a positive answer, her family will send for the family of the intending couple to come for the bride price and other ceremonies. “The bride price was equal to nothing, and then it was the local type of money known as nkpoala (manila) and the ego Ayara (cowries). The whole ceremony will be full of drinks”.

Reason for change

On the sudden hike in what it takes to marry a girl, Eloagu said that it was when girls started going to school that the parents felt that the cost of marrying them should increase. Then fathers would be proud to flaunt their daughter who has managed to reach Standard Six. “It was so funny that when you come to their home they will tell you: Do you know that my daughter can now read the Bible?” It was so because those days some girls did not go to school, so whoever gets married would have the responsibility of brushing that person up to what you want her to be. But today our ignorant fathers believe that money was expended to train the child. They tend to skyrocket the cost because they feel that they have made wealth for another family.”

Misunderstanding

He explained that marriage is supposed to be a social arrangement by the kinsmen as a law but the execution of the law is strictly controlled by the parents. “If you cannot afford it, nothing prevents you from taking your wife home. You can always ignore it. In my village once you have paid the 12 shillings, four coconut heads, four wraps of ugba and potash, and also buy pomade and soap for the women, the parent of the bride should be able to say that his son in-law cannot afford the others. It is no longer mandatory for anyone to know what was given the family. It is only those who must have also milked other people’s in-laws that stand their ground when it comes to their turn. All these efforts are just to give a dog a bad name to hang it. For the love for my children, I would sponsor the marriage.”

In some cases where the parents are in penury, they will simply tell you that they do not want anything from you.

The only thing you should know is that they are there and would appreciate if you remember them. “You cannot be in affluence while your in-laws wallow in penury. There is a saying in Igbo language; “ogo bu ikwu ato” which means that your in-law is the third relation. There are isolated cases where after spending your life earnings you will be told to train one of the wife’s siblings and if possible build a house for the family. But if the parents still insist and consider your financial status, for the love you have for the girl, accept it. When the girl is in your house you can trash that promise. Meanwhile it is not a written agreement.”

Still stable

These days’ things are changing. Nobody wants a burden. The truth is that culture is dynamic and changes with time. Those who say that Igbo marriage system is expensive should remember to add that it is the most stable. It can never be disputed that is why men of different ethnic groups are trooping in to marry our daughters.

People in spite of changing economic situation should learn to cut their coat according to their cloth and do things according to their limit.

No fear

This belief and deceit by the umunna, he said has contributed to late marriages among the men especially among the Igbo. “Men get married at 40 because they are waiting for money in order to meet these unrealistic demands. Apart from companionship the main aim of getting married is to get children that would take care of you at your old age. Of what use will it be if you struggle to train them till you die.’

For those who are still hesitant in getting married because of the cost, Eloagu said it is an act of cowardice. “Marriage is a natural obligation and nobody should run away from it. Don’t be scared by those lazy men who don’t want to get married. Men must be bold. We no longer partnership. Marriage socially is the way of making children. Otherwise any child born out of marriage is a bastard.”

Our fathers should wake up and realize that those kinsmen who make marriage difficult for our children will be the one that will go behind and give out their daughters without collecting a kobo.

…Mixed reactions

Saturday Sun sought the opinion of Igbo elders on the problems of marriage that seem to get compounded by the day.

Nze Chika Nwosu (farmer)

Marriage is a thing of joy; therefore any man who decides to embark on such an institution should be ready. For the rural village dwellers, marriage is an occasion of enjoyment for us.

Let any man complaining that cost of marriage is expensive tell me if he paid close to what it took the family to bring up the girl she wants to have as wife. She is going to your house to make money for you. That young man must be an ingrate to even blackmail his father-in-law to reduce the price. Life is becoming difficult and with the state of the economy, the cost must be amended.

Ichie Obiagu (retired teacher)

Our men should be up and doing. If you allow them to marry our daughters so cheap, they will never respect them. If you check very well the most successful marriages are those that pass through this process. Give your daughter through the back door and see how she would be treated. It is a thing of joy for a man to brag that he actually spent some wealth to marry and would not hesitate to flaunt her. If you want your daughter to be seen as such, give her out for free.

It is not true that during our days it was much cheaper. You cannot compare yesterday’s value of money with that of today. When I married, I suffered and was still happy when I finally got my wife. Because of that when I want to introduce her I proudly call her Oriakum. I got married at the age of 26, so it is only a lazy man who would hold money as excuse not to get married.

Mr. Steve Echefuna (contractor)

My sister, don’t you see that we are losing our girls to strangers? If you dare reduce the price all girls will be married to foreigners. The truth is that if a prospective in-law is from our area, the cost would be reduced drastically to encourage them. Any one complaining about cost should go to other places and see. A good girl is a good girl no matter the cost she will always get a good suitor who will meet the demands on the people. It is not true the cost of marriage is discouraging men from venturing into the institution. Those complaining are people of those ethnic groups that impregnate women and take them home without paying a dime and trash them months later. They will be made to fend for themselves while another woman would be ushered in. Things are increasing so is the price for our girls.

Ichie Ononogbu (retired civil servant)

It is negotiable. It depends on the father of the bride. We’ve had cases where an in-law would promise heaven and earth and disappear with our daughter and till date he would not remit a kobo and nothing will happen. Nigerian men are lazy today. During our youthful days, if you cannot afford to pay, then you will serve the family for some years in the farm.

But our men would want to wake up and pick a ready made woman, they would wait till that child must have graduated and they will surface and want to carry our wealth to their home. That is wicked, left for me they would be made to pay tithe every month.

…The victims speak

Obinna Nduka

My sister, I am not rich enough to marry. It is not a joke to marry in our place. I knew what our in-laws paid when they came for my sister and I am not ready yet. I need my respect especially in the midst of my umunna. That is why I am yet to marry. I have seen a girl that I love but then she is from a place the cost of marriage is quite on the high side and I am not ready to sell my land to meet the requirements. If she loves me, she would be patient.

Ado Bulus (Adamawa)

Igbo women are for the rich. In my place it will not take me up to N30,000 to get married but in Igbo setting after borrowing to marry their daughter, they will also attach one of their daughters to you, insisting that you would train the child and some would demand that you build a house for them. I am talking from experience. I would have married an Imo girl, but when I got to their place to seek her hand in marriage, the list the family gave me was too much. Since I do not want to be poor the rest of my life, I called off the engagement. You will tell me that if I love her I would proceed with the marriage. But my sister, once there is no money that love will surely vanish.

Abey Edion

Igbo marriage is the most expensive in the country. In Yoruba land, once you impregnate a girl, she can move in with you as your wife. Whenever you have the money, you could call a party and celebrate with your family but the reverse is the case in Igbo. Their parents have spoilt them that it will take the grace of God for an Igbo girl to agree to date a jobless man not to talk of marriage. Take a look and you will find out that most single girls in Nigeria are Igbo, and nobody has money to waste. I can date them but for me to marry a woman to liquidate me is impossible.

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Women In Agony
June 15, 2009 10:52, 458 views

They get divorced for the flimsiest of excuses, are denied the chance to work despite attending some of the best schools in the world. This is the sobering story of women from northern Nigeria.





By Babajide Kolade-Otitoju



On 29 January, 2009, 45,000 divorced women came together in Kano under the auspices Voice of Widows, Orphans and Divorcees Association of Nigeria. They had a grand plan to stage a one-million man march against increasing spate of divorce in the state. However, the police and other security agencies, including the State Security Services, SSS received a series of petitions from elders and religious leaders in the state who expressed the fear that the protest may snowball into a big crisis if allowed to take place.Hajiya Altine Abdullahi, Chief Executive Officer of the non-governmental organisation, was pressured by the Police, SSS and Hisbah, the state agency responsible for Shariah implementation, to drop the idea. She did, but the group had drawn attention to one of the biggest social problems confronting the core North today.
tn-june-22




Hajiya Abdullahi, herself a divorcee, wants the government to look at the economic, social and religious implications of divorce, arguing that the worse victim is often the woman. According to her, women get routinely thrown out of their matrimonial homes and are exposed to danger and hardship. “They go through terrible times; they have no money to eat and cannot just resume their normal lives without the help of the society,” she explained. Members of VOWODAN told TheNEWS that they are determined to tell the world about the increasing harassment by their husbands, who threaten them with divorce at the slightest provocation. “Imagine a situation where a husband will scribble some words on a paper and ask you to leave and never return because you failed to get his meal ready on time. Do you think that is right? Do you think Allah approves of that. It is simply inhuman. In most cases, you find that in this part of Nigeria, some men divorce their women for selfish reasons without a recourse to Islamic principles,” Hajiya Aisha Ibrahim, a divorcee, intoned.




For full details, demand the 22 June, 2009, issue of TheNEWS from your vendor now.
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[size=14pt]Yes nah,ofcourse we envy your parties;Is it easy to organise very LOUD,EXPENSIVE and COLOURFUL owambe parties,where 70% of invited guests end up going home on EMPTY stomachs? Envy ko',HENVY ni'    [/size]

Relax101:

I now see the reason why Jesus wept. hmmm, This thread stinks, nyanma.
He wept because He saw some senseless people that would be called Nigerians.
Anybody that replies me, na thunder go fire his/her left yansh.

ThiefOfHearts:

Now I know you are delusional.

Hate Yorubas all you want but everyone knows you leave our parties satisfied. You people dont even have food. all the food you have at your Kwenu parties are tied to Yoruba culture except for that abominatiion known as fufu that even your people dont serve in public due to shame.

Tell me when I want to see my friend at her parent's home, they served bootleg chinese rice wth bony chicken wings. So ashamed of their "food"

Come to my place and see if you wont burst from moinmoin, pounded yam, vegetable, chicken, fish, goat, ewa oloyin. My friend go and sit down!

HUNGRY PEOPLE 

That's why Igbo men are so mean and angry, cos they have no food of their own. ROFL 

ThiefOfHearts:

Now I know you are delusional.

Hate Yorubas all you want but everyone knows you leave our parties satisfied. You people dont even have food. all the food you have at your Kwenu parties are tied to Yoruba culture except for that abominatiion known as fufu that even your people dont serve in public due to shame.

Tell me when I want to see my friend at her parent's home, they served bootleg chinese rice wth bony chicken wings. So ashamed of their "food"

Come to my place and see if you wont burst from moinmoin, pounded yam, vegetable, chicken, fish, goat, ewa oloyin. My friend go and sit down!

HUNGRY PEOPLE 

That's why Igbo men are so mean and angry, cos they have no food of their own. ROFL 

Here's my own opinion:
I have seen and encountered both Yoruba and Igbo wife beaters,but the reality is that ;while the Igbo husband who's beating up his wife can still make reference to the huge bride price he 'wasted' on this 'his stubborn wife'. The Yoruba husband who's beating up his wife,is most likely being FED by the same woman he's beating up. Someone please tell me i'm lying?
Yorubas have the most educated MALE folks in Nigeria while IGBOS have the most educated FEMALE folks in Nigeria. One would have thought that this fact ought to have made Igbo ladies more 'head strong' but luckily,Igbo men and culture have some in built mechanisms that have favoured the Igbo marriage. Igbo men,no matter how illiterate ,ALWAYS strive to provide for his family,because in Igbo land,your family is your true source of pride.

As for Yoruba men,in spite of their percieved high education,many of them end up becoming laid back and lazy husbands,their sometimes semi-educated wives do end up becoming bread winners through market trade and commerce. Its only in Yoruba land that you see siblings fighting and killing themselves over properties that their late MOTHER built. To make matter worse,these siblings including the males always have different surnames cos their mother had babies for two sometimes THREE different men.

Again,Someone tell me i'm lying? Grin Grin Tongue

Jenifa_:

you make plenty sense. and I'm yoruba.
Igbo men are more aggressive and hardworking. maybe that's why their wives are more submissive.
for yorubas on the other hand, the men are emperors with no clothes. why will a woman be submissive to a man that is not worthy. but just fooling himself pretending to be king.
and why are men obsessed with submissiveness anyways. if your wife is feeding you, then you (the man) shld be the submissive one.  


and OP, i've seen your pic. you are very ugly. that's exactly why the yoruba women are giving you a hard time. maybe you really shld consider igbo women. just for the sake of your future children.

faakay:

its a choice. I marry anybody i wanna get married to. no be byforce to marry from same tribe or nationality.

Jenifa_:


but your guilty conscience will not let you rest so you had to create a foolish thread to demean yoruba women.
why not do your thing and leave yoruba women out of it?Instead of creating a thread to dedicate to igbo women, you create a thread to bash yoruba women. of course u deserve all d abuse u got.

not every yoruba marriage leads to divorce. I'm talking abt the ones that do.
and in most cases, unless u've been watching too much nollywood, it's the wife that packs her load and leave d house. not d other way round.

faakay:



besides the thread is not foolish OK, to your own perspective it's foolish to u.

Ileke-IdI:

^^^ Faakay, nobody is saying your observation is wrong. We're just telling you the factor that affects the divorce rate.
Seems like you dont understand the institution of marriage. Not everyone that smiles is happy.

Jenifa_:

of course I'm not going to agree with the way you're painting yoruba woman. 'cause I'm one myself.
why not change the topic to a igbo woman appreciation thread. and leave yoruba women out of it.
that way it's a positive topic rather than a negative one.

faakay:

sure I agree with u

That's why it's called for better for worst, life is all about ups and down, when it was sweet she was happy, so when its bitter she needs to endure

faakay:

That's why it's called for better for worst, life is all about ups and down, when it was sweet she was happy, so when its bitter she needs to endure

Ileke-IdI:

She needs to endure? Are we still in the stone age?

She's entitled the right to choose her limit on endurance. I understand that poverty is an issue in Nigeria, coupled with Laziness. If she's enduring and her husband shows no potential to work harder, why endure that kinda life. 

Do you also have the divorce rates for Yorubas outside of Nigeria?

Ileke-IdI:

She needs to endure? Are we still in the stone age?

She's entitled the right to choose her limit on endurance. I understand that poverty is an issue in Nigeria, coupled with Laziness. If she's enduring and her husband shows no potential to work harder, why endure that kinda life. 

Do you also have the divorce rates for Yorubas outside of Nigeria?

aloy/emeka:

Are you very sure?

Who told you they have no dress sense?

Jenifa_:



he doesn't want to endure. but he wants the woman to endure.
what a hypocrite

the reason for the divorce is someone is tired of enduring. u can't keep on enduring forever. who knows what's going on in the igbo marriage and why the wife is forced to stay. maybe she can't refund the expensive bride price. all that glitters is not gold.

DRlulu:

do nigerians divorce?   well i heard it happens in lagos


, i paid one thousand naira as bride price for my wife and they gave it back to me with extra one thousand  as obialu ije money as in use  and buy fuel while going back  so duhh find another straw to hang on to. the list cost me about 40 thousand to purchase all the items mind you i have had several girlfriends i spent hundreds of thousand on even imports you end up buying blackberry for or giving them  50 grand just for a weekend so if spending  100 thousand(less then 1000us) on my wife is big money then i am not fit to be called a  man or something must be wrong with me.

omar22:

Well I know someone that paid around £7000 recently