[img]http://3.bp..com/_1ulbIaC85vo/TOa9jDnZpYI/AAAAAAAABK8/YuYvCFlaZhM/s1600/embassy.jpg[/img] 
^got that picture online. Have 2 of my own I'll upload later. I'm going to tell the story in parts, apologies for the length but you can blame NLder Vescucci for that

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  So four of us my fathers kids trooped down to NYC from Boston to renew our passports. They had expired 10 lifetimes ago & all of us are completely clueless about the process . As you approach the building, you see the lettering in nice bright silver "Federal Republic Of Nigeria" . . . "that's nice" said my sister "wait until we get inside first" I replied I mean I prophesied. Two security men. One looks completely disinterested, the other stands up and says "Sign your name" "Put your bag here" "Step over here" . . . we obey. Now let me pause and say my siblings & I are total funheads, we laugh and joke and have a good time, especially on a day we get to reconnect with our 'nigerianess'. As you turn the corner from the entrance, a side door to the waiting room. As soon as you open the door, the first thing that hits you is the distinct smell of okro soup   it actually smelt good and made me a bit hungry 


Kai! Naija (a phrase we would repeat at least 100times over the day) Has someone been cooking for 3 days straight that the smell of food has been literally baked into their clothes? Anyways, the size of the room is shockingly small. I mean about the size of my living room at home - and I don't have a big living room at all oh! Out of habit, I look for the nearest fire exit - there's one, but it is on the same side as the entrance and it is blocked by the row of connected chairs - surely this would be a problem in case of an emergency I think to myself. Anyways, everyone is sitting down, there is a small, overcrowded desk with a stack of passports and papers in front with a woman calling out numbers "ZERO WAN" ZERO TU" "ZERO TREE" and then she switches from 'zero' to 'o' - "OH FIFE, OH SIX" . . . lol. She's not even giving a break or pause between numbers to allow the person to come up, so you end up with 2 or 3 people hurrying to the front, both unrelated, both sitting down at the same time. Confusion. I look around . . . where is number dispenser? No one seems to know or care. One little girl finally says to me "its over there, its broken, you have to open it" I smile and say thank you sweetie. I proceed to the front, get to the machine, fiddle with it for a second and finally get it open, reset the paper reel to the top so it works well again and then close the machine back.


  As soon as the spectators see its working again, see as line rushed and formed to take numbers LOL. I take a number, and as I'm trying to take numbers for my 3 other siblings this woman tries to stick her hand in there and take one . . . wahala . . . I figured she thought because she was there before me she ought to take a number before me . . lol . . . don't let this proper appearance fool you oh, I can go gangster on you fast!

Before I can get back to my seat, a lady approaches me - probably thinking since I fixed the machine I know what I'm doing or how things work around here - "excuse me sister, do you know how the online form works?" "Sorry, I have no idea, didn't you ask the lady at the desk?" she replied with a hiss "she just handed this paper to me and told me to go, I have tried to do it online and the website is not working, I'm so frustrated right now I don't know what to do" . . . I reply "I'm so sorry I wish I could help, but this is the embassy, they should be able to help with things like that, did you ask the 2 men in front?" "Yes, they simply sent me back in here, and this woman is not even answering any questions she just told me to go and do it online" . . . I'm feeling her pain "Try to speak to her again and try to be more forceful, maybe that'll help, goodluck" as I return to my seat and siblings. My eye briefly flashes on the picture of President Goodluck Jonathan on the I-haven't-been-painted-in-a-few-years wall in a very cheap a** looking frame, the wooden side was actually falling off . . . goodluck indeed. Unknown to me, I would be in the exact same position this lady was in just a short minute.


  "NUMBER FORTEEN" "FIFTEEN" "SIXTEEN"  . . . My older brother already stood up at 14 ready for his number at 16 . He got up there, and she took one look, and handed him a paper and told him to go "You have to do it online" "There is a business center across the street" After some questioning my brother finally replies "okay, thank you ma. What's the name of the place" she tiredly retorts "I duno, ask the men in front". Let me pause here. It was totally our fault that we did not do the payment online before going. I didn't trust the website and I figured, hey, its an embassy, this is what they do there. If I go to the bank to do a transaction, they won't send me back home to do it online. If I go to the post office to mail a pkg, they won't send me back home to do it online. Unfortunately, I forgot one has to stop applying logic whenever it comes to anything Nigerian - so abeg make una no vex for me.

  Over to the business center. There's one computer and papa tunde (as I fondly called him) with his glasses half beneath his eyes is on it. He is leaning back as if he's on a couch and his hand is resting on his pot belly as he is typing with one finger on the keyboard - Naija! LOL . . . There are a bunch of other Nigerians in there all with different problems. This particular old lady was so frustrated. The poor store owner - an incredibly NICE indian guy took his time to explain to her and look over her documentation and money order. Infact once he was done explaining to her and us the process, we looked at him and said "wow sir, you should be the one working at the embassy, you gave us more information about the process than the people over there". 20mins later, my brother is tired of waiting, he walks over to papa tunde and says in a very gentle, respectful voice "Excuse me sir, do you need any help? Can I assist you?" Papa tunde take a long look at him with his glasses nearly fallen off his face and then sharply replies  . . .

To Be Continued 

rubbish. i CAN TELL YOU HOW WORSE THE waiting room of the American Embassy in London, Lagos and Abuja is worse than you described.

half baked Nigerians always out to rubbish anything Nigerian. If you dont know the process, should you be worshiped because of that?

Even complaining about the frame of a picture. LOL. You are simply displaying your Nigerianess. Period.

Abeg.

"ZERO WAN" ZERO TU" "ZERO TREE" and then she switches from 'zero' to 'o' - "OH FIFE, OH SIX" .

werepeLeri:

rubbish. i CAN TELL YOU HOW WORSE THE waiting room of the American Embassy in London, Lagos and Abuja is worse than you described.

half baked Nigerians always out to rubbish anything Nigerian. If you dont know the process, should you be worshiped because of that?

Even complaining about the frame of a picture. LOL. You are simply displaying your Nigerianess. Period.

Abeg.

Lol, what you vexing you now? That I tell about the smallest of nuances such as a picture frame to give a 'feel' for the story? Abeg waka go jor  Which one is it? am I 'displaying my nigerianess' or am I a half-baked nigerian? abeg pick wan jor 

justwise:

"ZERO WAN" ZERO TU" "ZERO TREE" and then she switches from 'zero' to 'o' - "OH FIFE, OH SIX" .

  I was just holding my laughter because I knew our day was in her hands oh 

JeSoul:

Lol, what you vexing you now? That I tell about the smallest of nuances such as a picture frame to give a 'feel' for the story? Abeg waka go jor  Which one is it? am I 'nigerianess' or am I half-baked? abeg pick wan jor

  I was just holding my laughter because I knew our day was in her hands oh 

I can't stop laughing when i read the number bit cos i can picture the whole thing.

justwise:

I can't stop laughing when i read the number bit cos i can picture the whole thing.

^At least one pesin is laughing And it wasn't so much the accent as it was the attitude. That woman no send anybody at all . . . wait till I finish the tori, laugh never reach 50% yet

Continued . . .

Papa tunde takes a long look at him with his glasses nearly fallen off his face and then sharply replies . . . "NO!" and the continues typing with one finger.  We'd been up since 4:00am, driven almost 200miles and it was now almost noon. Instead of feeling hungry and tired, it was just so funny you couldn't help but laugh. We learn a FedEx Office is couple blocks down and so we head out. And oh, it is pouring rain and in the 50s. No problem, just adds to the fun. On the website we follow the directions . . . until "your name has to match exactly the name on the credit/debit card being used to pay or be the same last name" . . . big problem for me. I changed my name but not my that on my credit/bank cards, its never been a problem for other transactions cos its the same address and first/middle name. And I could always easily call the bank to approve a transaction. I call hubby. Attempt to use his card but that fails too. I attempt using my old name, result "you have reached the maximum number of attempts allowed on this computer"  oh, you just gotta love this.

My sibbys are having no luck either. For one reason or another, the website was just not working (like that lady had complained earlier). An hour and $50 in fees later we give up and head back to the embassy, hoping the lady is in a better mood. We enter the door, the security guy looks at us and says "We're Closed" . . . 

To Be Continued

"SERO WAN, SERO TWO. . . . OH FIFE . . ."
   

Gotta love this thread!!!
Totally made my day 
Poster, abeg keep knack the tori. . .I'm so tuned in. LMAO

^ thank you my broda

Continued . . . Final Part (for now)

The security guy looks at us and says "We're Closed" "What?" is my immediate response showing a bit of that gangster side I mentioned earlier lol. Apparently they close at 1pm - though there are no signs posted anywhere warning of this, again totally my fault for not knowing. After all the hassle and running around. The guy realises we were ready to fight our way in and he lets us go back in.

We re-enter the waiting room that is now half empty. Okro soup smell? check. Crying children? check. Frustrated patrons? double check. The woman at the desk is still there, only now she's smiling a bit. I figured this may have something to do with the sandwich that was in her left hand  , munching away as she continued to call numbers and attend to people. One cannot just help but laugh. She is seated underneath a huge sign that says "NO EATING OR DRINKING" (see picture below)  ha Naija! A sign that I actually respected earlier by not opening my can of san-pellegrino aranciata. I should've known better abi? lol. The man at the desk gets up abruptly and shouts after hissing "DIS IS A COMPLEET WASTE OF TIME" and he slams the door behind him At this point I know the day is unsalvageable, what's left is to have some fun before the long drive back home. My brother makes one last effort to get some more info, and she actually spends a good 2-3 minutes explaining a few things to him. Perhaps she was just hungry all along lol. We find out that getting a visa might actually be easier than trying to get a passport - imagine. A bit disappointed cos I do really want to have my naija passport, still naija no matter what, but with so much hassle to go thru    I head back there in a few days. Make una pray for me oh!

na today?

Lol

Who cares, --------------------------------- . surprisingly, I ain't laughing.

While i will agree that our experiences in situations might not be the same but we sometimes tend to over state things just to give it a palatable taste for eating. We tend generally to believe that nothing about Nigeria or Nigerians work but trust me everything about us is a work in progress and it will eventually work.

The Problems most Nigerians have is that even before coming to the Embassy or anything associated with Nigeria, they already have a pre-conceived negative mentality that things will definitely not go right which to me is a defeatist mentality to life and that is why i mostly don't take stuff seriously i read on the net.

Years ago while still studying in the UK i needed to renew my Nigerian passport, so went down to the passport office in Central London. The reception and work speed was okay and my only fault then with the place was that it was built like an underground dungeon with no exit route and quite stuffy. But the work attitude was okay as everything worked according to the number tag you collect from the wall as you walk in and i remember there was this embassy staff a big yoruba guy going round assisting people. The slight drama there was those Nigerian's who had left the place for food or smoke outside and missed their turn came back and was really loud and there were some Nigerian's too who were basically Asylum seekers living in the UK and had just gotten their papers so needed the Nigerian passport to travel,but the problem is you came for asylum claiming to be from Liberia and now want a Nigerian passport and when the Nigerian Embassy staff ask them for proof(any proof)that they are Nigerian's,they start shouting and raising their voices. But how do you apply for a passport without any proof you are from that country?this are the same people that will go round and start complaining about the embassies.

Fast Forward 2011 January: Nigerian Embassy Atlanta.

On my way back from Nigeria in January 2011 i saw a BIG SIGN at the Airport in Lagos that in April of this year our old passport will not be accepted so made a mental note to get the new one in the States and so some few weeks later was at the Embassy in Atlanta. My going to the Embassy was not planned as i live in another part of Georgia and came for a work assignment and so decided to go to the Embassy to ask for the requirements needed for a passport. My first shock there was seeing how QUIET and NEAT the place was. Second shock was seeing everybody OBEYING the law and following and rules there and Third shock no RAISED VOICES AT ALL.

I approached the first Embassy staff i saw and asked for the requirements in getting a passport and he politely explained the procedures to me on what to bring and so i thanked him and was about making my way to the door when he called me back.

He asked me if i wanted to do get the new passport and i answered yes but have no documentation or even the old passport with me and to my SURPRISE he said that they can help me do it but that i will post my old passport to them for them to see and they will attach the new one and mail it back to me.

Mr Aliyu an Edo man from Auchi thats his name. So i quickly filled out the form and paid the necessary money and before an hour got my fingerprints and picture taken,it was even faster than getting a passport in Nigeria and when i got home i did a registered mail addressed to Mr Aliyu and exactly 7 days later got my old and new passport back although the old one had CANCELLED written on all pages.

This are Nigerian's helping other Nigerian's free of charge but still some will still go out their spoiling our good name because of their bad manners when they go to the embassies.

Lastly it is cheaper getting a Nigerian passport than the Visa and less hassle too.

People born in Nigeria with American passport who usually get Nigerian Visa on their passport 9 out of 10 times do it for show because they dont want to carry anything Nigeria which is quite funny because on your American Passport your place of BIRTH there still SHOWS Nigeria.

Forgot to mention that i did pay $20 or so for the services of a computer centre behind the Embassy building ran by a Nigerian couple who helped with the online passport application form and payment too but if i had done it myself at home before coming i would not have paid that money so that was my fault. My sister there are some things good about Nigeria and please stop looking for faults where there ae no faults.

U totally spoiled d fun, i was enjoyin her jare,

Sapele_Don:

Fast Forward 2011 January: Nigerian Embassy Atlanta.

People born in Nigeria with American passport who usually get Nigerian Visa on their passport 9 out of 10 times do it for show because they dont want to carry anything Nigeria which is quite funny because on your American Passport your place of BIRTH there still SHOWS Nigeria.

U damn right i carry an american passport cos i get more respect and i dont like associating with a failed nation like Nigeria. If u ever find urself in a tight spot guess which passport is gona save ur A$$. Why go thru such a stress for a worthless passport.

@ JeSoul

Wow! LMAO!!!! Very good narrative, and engaging! You should be a writer I tell you.

Sapele_Don:

While i will agree that our experiences in situations might not be the same but we sometimes tend to over state things just to give it a palatable taste for eating. We tend generally to believe that nothing about Nigeria or Nigerians work but trust me everything about us is a work in progress and it will eventually work.

The Problems most Nigerians have is that even before coming to the Embassy or anything associated with Nigeria, they already have a pre-conceived negative mentality that things will definitely not go right which to me is a defeatist mentality to life and that is why i mostly don't take stuff seriously i read on the net.

Oga Sapele_Don, I think it's actually a good idea whenever you're going to any Nigerian Embassy or "Nigerian office" to go with a pre-conceived negative mentality. This is the way I see it.

When going home from work in Lagos, I discovered it's best to have a pre-conceived mentality that there will be no electricity, so as such you prepare yourself mentally, get petrol and be ready to fix the generator when u get home etc. If I eventually get home and meet light, i'll be like "wow, amazing NEPA try today oh! seems like things are improving!!" and i start praising NEPA. but if I get home and I don't meet light, I don't get angry or disappointed because I already prepared myself for it anyway and I've learnt to get used to it, 

So if I'm going to any Nigerian Embassy or public office rendering services by Nigerians, I always prepare myself and go with a pre-conceived negative mentality that the services are not likely to be good, people are likely to be harsh and rude, there could be long cues etc. When I eventually get there and discover the opposite of what I planned for, I'll be like "Wow! Naija dey try oh! seems like things are getting better!" but if i get to the office and i get exactly what I planned for, I don't get disappointed and frustrated cos I had prepared my mind for it anyways, 

This is just the way I take services Nigerian and I realised it has helped me stop getting angry unnecessarily wen services don't go well.

Blue Magic its unfortunate we still have people like you with this mentality that the Nigerian passport is worthless and honestly it is sad. Nigeria is by no means perfect but Nigeria is home and instead of writing negative things about her, why not in your little ways help make that worthless paper worthful?we are Nigerian's and no matter what passport we carry we will be treated as such and i will give you a relevant example of that now.

Two Saurdays ago, on my way back from Nigeria(Lufthansa)i did the transit thing in Germany to and fro from the States and this was my first time flying through Frankfurt as i usually go straight to Nigeria. Immediately i got off the transit bus into the building i was stopped by this German Custom guy who asked for my Passport, i brought out my passport and gave it to him. Next question was where are you going to?i said the US and his next question was how long did you stay in Nigeria and i replied one week. Next question what do you do? and so i am thinking this is getting interesting.

Next question?how did you become an American Citizen?and i asked him are you serious?and his answer yes and my reply to him is you are not serious.


Ordinarily if this questions were to arise at all it will be if i am entering Germany and have to go through their immigration and custom, but by law somebody transiting and in the transit hall is assumed by law not to be in the country he or she is transiting from but maybe this guy dont know that but about educating him soon.

Anyway, i told him vaguely what i did without going into details and still this guy was delaying me from catching my flight and it was not until he asked me how much i had for spending in the US that i knew this guy was out for trouble. First Sir, i am carrying an American passport which does not call for that question. Two, you are delaying me from catching my flight and Three i need to use the rest room real quick but still he was holding on to my passport and his body language was all set for trouble and so he called two other guys,me and three of them in an empty hall way.

It was at that point i brought out my ID which identified me and the nature of my job in the US(I work for the US Govt mildly put something bordering on National Security)and requested to speak to their supervisor,and this was where the fears came into their eyes as they thought this was another Nigerian guy holding a foreign passport they could push around but are now seeing they might be starting something with the US and German Govt which might spell trouble for them.

I am telling you this so that you will know this guys did not care about my US PASSPORT as they were hell bent on delaying and pushing me around for no reason and i will bet you my next tax returns that a White man holding the same American Passport i am holding will not be delayed and asked how much he has to spend in the US and how he became an American Citizen,really?.

It was while using the rest room that it hit me i got that treatment because i am a Nigerian and that is why i filed a formal complaint there and in the US when i got back.

If you are a Nigerian holding any foreign passport and still have an accent 5 out of 10 times you get the rough treatment at most port of entry in the world and i should know because i travel a lot.

Semid4lyfe it should be fair too people talk about the positive side of their Nigeria or Nigerian experiences because we put out too much negative image about ourselves and country out there and yes people still keep their Nigerian passport so as not to go go through hassles for visa i.e visiting other West African countries.

Lax75 i am in Savannah close to the Florida border and i thought the front desk woman was Indian or Pakistani as i only saw her briefly one time and was quite taken aback to see her there(Nigerians employing foreigners?)who knows she might be a Naturalized Nigerian.

Lax75 you can hit me up on codedken123@yahoo.com

I hail on the writers here.

Some people think Nigeria has been much maligned by my dear JeSoul. Some people think she's on point. But she did put it up on the thread that this is for laughs. Nigeria is a terribly undisciplined country. That's what makes it fun. I saw some Swedish or Norweigian people laughing forcefully in a park. I meant I saw this on tv. I submit it's because they're too efficient and serious and thus depressed. Ask Mr. Scrooge he'll tell you. Far be it from JeSoul to yab her dear country and she doesn't play with her Egusi stew. The fact that she wants her Naija passport nko?

All brouhaha asides, isn't that just some beautiful narrative? I'm sure she didn't even think before writing or edit it after. Only Stefanus Obi does that.

Hahahahah- and what is still funny here I dont freaking see it.

Blue Magic:

U damn right i carry an american passport cos i get more respect and i dont like associating with a failed nation like Nigeria. If u ever find urself in a tight spot guess which passport is gona save your A$$. Why go thru such a stress for a worthless passport.

So what are you doing on a Nigerian forum? Hypocrite. Some people are extremely proud of Nigeria and the Nigerian passport, if you are not, who cares?

You are a good writer, try and discover yourself, infact i cant stop laughing. Meanwhile i am really tripped with arrangement of your write up.
ZERO WAN TU TREE OH FIFE OH SIX, babe u don kill me oh!

jesoul, whats funny about your post when you should be ashamed of yourself?
Beyonce took the pain to learn our anthem and sang it on stage, She isn't Nigerian you know!
you need to grow up, That country you guys seem to be proud of didn't get to where it is today with handshakes and blowjobz

and for you blue magic, You get more respect with an american passport?
i'll like to see your son at age 10 say he is proud to adopt "Obama" as surname


each of us is given a chance to make our nation great. if you fail, i fail, then we all failed

@sapele_don, i love your article.

hahahaha freakin hilarious mehn, u my friend are a talented writer, don't listen to some retards on here oo, na bad belle dey worry dem, goodluck with the visa.

webdezzi:

jesoul, whats funny about your post when you should be ashamed of yourself?
Beyonce took the pain to learn our anthem and sang it on stage, She isn't Nigerian you know!
you need to grow up, That country you guys seem to be proud of didn't get to where it is today with handshakes and blowjobz
and for you blue magic, You get more respect with an american passport?
i'll like to see your son at age 10 say he is proud to adopt "Obama" as surname

each of us is given a chance to make our nation great. if you fail, i fail, then we all failed

@sapele_don, i love your article.

No, you should be ashamed of yourself rather, she clearly stated that this thread is for a laugh, if you don't find it funny then shut it.

This are Nigerian's helping other Nigerian's free of charge but still some will still go out their spoiling our good name because of their bad manners when they go to the embassies.

Nigeria and good image dont go together!