WHY MEN MARRY FROM HOME AND SHOULD CONTINUE TO MARRY FROM HOME

A REPLY TO LADY G.
I think the time has come to put a stop on these meaningless discussions on why men go home to marry. They have to stop because the discussions and articles are insulting to women from home and further insults the intelligence of the men who marry from home.
I can only conclude that these attacks are based on jealousy because women back home work very hard under extreme conditions and still do not lose sight of their values and what they want in life. On the other hand, girls here live a sheltered and pampered life, blaming others for their insecurities and bitching about every thing.
If you want to discus things you should be open and honest with yourself. Understand the facts and stop being aggressive. If you did not go to YIBOSC to look for a husband, why do you get angry when men marry from home? Lets face it Yibosc is probably your only forum to meet Igbo men of your generation.
There is a saying “ better the devil you know”. However, knowing the devils we have grown up with, we choose to reject them and look for potential from home.
I will tell you the truth and some hints of what men look for that drives them to go home. Once you have read this article and you are honest to yourself, you will see that you fall into or have been guilty of most of the points raised here.
1. Your parents will not tell you that who you marry is not as important as who your brother marries because his offspring’s will maintain the family name and culture.
2. Some of you insist that your husband must come from your state, LGA and village. How many men do you know in that category?
3. Some of you think that men from home want to use you to attain immigration papers. This could be true, but not always.
4. Most of you are never ready, by the time you are ready, whom do you think will be waiting for you? Girls back home are ready as soon as they are of age. Some will marry while at college, with feeling that the marital aspect of their life is sorted, they can then concentrate on studying and building a career
5. You demand too much from men, looking for a readymade man. What is wrong with working together with your husband to achieve your riches? You insult men from home that they are only cab drivers and security workers. What you fail to understand with your level of intelligence is that these are highly qualified individuals who must take whatever job here to survive because of the circumstances.
6. You blame and bitch about your parents not teaching you culture, how many of you have gone to a meeting with your mother to observe how women do things?
7. Men want someone who is adaptable – some one who knows what is expected of her when you visit home. Some one who knows that she has to wake up in the morning and sweep the compound, someone who knows what is expected of her during any event or ceremony.
8. You mention submissive and yes women – you should visit home more often. Most women from home are more streetwise than you. They combine it with culture and their realistic expectations from life and it makes them more appealing.
9. You mention respect. Most of you don’t even know the meaning of the word in our culture; instead you prefer to rely on your western definition that says I will only respect those who respect me. Your parents thought you to respect your elders and respect yourself in public through your conduct.
10. We are faced with supply and demand. The supply here is limited, because of that, the suppliers are making shakara. The reaction from us is to jump on a plane to get better quality. We all know that cars are expensive in Uk, so people travel to Europe to get quality and value for money. Similarly, women back home are quality and value.
11. What can you offer us that women from home can’t? Most women from home are smart, intelligent and educated just like you; slim and attractive just like you; ambitious, sociable and fashionable just like you. On top of that, they are cultured, adaptable and definitely not submissive. So what is it that you have that they are missing?
12. Ask yourself this question, why is it that elders here congratulate and praise us for rejecting the Macdonald and Kentucky generation?
13. All Igbo men – born here or from back home – have been raised on traditional food. Most of you can’t even cook jollof rice let alone a decent egusi soup. Now why should any red blooded Igbo man want to spend all his life with a person who will be feeding him fish and chips with salad.
14. How many of you will visit your boyfriend’s parents in his presence or absence to do chores and errands to try and impress them?
15. How many of you will consider an introduction from your family? You will look at it as arranged marriage.
16. Some of you will meet a boy. You want to spend years knowing him, soon after, things do not work out and you break up. Soon you meet somebody else and subsequently things work and you are talking marriage. His family will be telling him not to bring this girl who goes from man to man into their household. If the boy does not know you, the family knows somebody that knows you. This is part of our culture checking your background. Before you know it the years roll on and you meet another boy, things work and there is talk of marriage. His family will object and tell him that you are too old and cannot bear healthy children
17. Some of you smoke and drink (hard liquor). Only loose women indulge in such things in our culture. How are you going to convince a bloke’s mum that you are of good character?
18. Marrying from home makes sense because she will apply positive pressure for her husband to go home and build and achieve something for their later life. She will also help to teach your children the culture and language so they do not end up like you. Going home is our prerogative and will continue until there is a change in attitude, behaviour and expectations of girls born and raised here.
19. What you need to do is forget this ladish culture that you have been raised on and start behaving like a person who was very well brought up or as they say in igbo land, some one who was raised on her mother’s milk not powdered milk.
Finally, some of you will come to YIBOSC and in the presence of your friends, you will ridicule and reject these points. However, when you get home and take a long look at yourself. You will notice that all your education, your high powered job, your house, your car and all your material possession will not stop that biological clock ticking ever faster. When you go to bed, that big double bed in your room gets colder each winter and the house becomes lonelier. But what is the problem? There is no problem we are in the Western world. Women can go to a sperm bank or men can travel to Nigeria. Perhaps YIBOSC will consider setting up a sperm bank, this way you will guarantee that the donor is an igbo man and may possible come from your village.

So basically what this is saying is, if you are not an igbo lady forget it that he I will go find his own when he is ready. What is the position in general with igbo man/western lady? ie a western lady that can understand his culture and cook. Do you think that an igbo man will usually leave the western lady at the end of the day and go home to marry?

Leilah:

So basically what this is saying is, if you are not an igbo lady forget it that he I will go find his own when he is ready. What is the position in general with igbo man/western lady? ie a western lady that can understand his culture and cook. Do you think that an igbo man will usually leave the western lady at the end of the day and go home to marry?

Only your husband can anser your question. What is wrong with asking him what he thinks on this issue rather than fretting over nothing on nairaland?

@davidylan 7000th post for you.
I am really sick of leilah's bitching, she keeps going on and on about her Nigerian husband.

@ n-guage, thanks i didnt even notice i had crossed the landmark.

Leilah is a divorce waiting to happen. Rather than wasting time on iru and gbegiri, i suggest she just cuts her costs and pitches her tent with her white Irish brethren who wont disappear to Igboland to pick a wife.

Wow. real issues we got here.

@ naija-cutie,

Lets be practical here, would you come to nairaland to discuss marital problems that could easily be solved if you just ASKED the man you claimed to have married? No one is suggesting she leaves her husband because he is igbo, infact Leilah herself is the one asking if her igbo husband will leave her at some point to go marry an igbo girl from home. This must be thread number 1002 from her on this tired old issue.

If i were a westerner in her shoes i'd have thrashed out the issue with my husband!

naijacutee you need to see this issue from a realistic point of view.
What is the use of a marriage if you cannot communicate your fears and insecurities to your better half?

You see I cannot ask questions. Thank you very much naija cutie you hit it on the nail. I have addressed these issues but he roars at me when I do he simply doesn't answer and yes I have no one to go to for advise. All I want is a general overview from a nigerian/igbo mens perspective, if they had a wife who Can cook and understand their culture (not thanks to him) on that matter at the end of the day do they NEED an igbo wife IS it compulsory? . One day I asked him some questions about his culture and he threw me against the wall and put his hand up to my throat like he was going to strangle me. He could not understand why I have to ask him, I explained because I am interested in his culture and he said he doesn't know that much about it himself and to stop annoying him about cultures. I am very patient with him. The reason why I am here is that I can get a more in depth understanding of the igbo culture and naija in general. What is the general position when it comes to an igbo man that marries a western lady is the family accepting? BTW I went to nigeria and I went to his hometown. It seems to me, that someone from another tribe unnacceptable so what is the position with a white person amongst the igbos.

LEILAH, a forum is not the best place to discus your marital problems. I really think the problem you and your husband are having is communication. You guys need to talk, talk and talk.
I am not a professional but the problem with this marraige is pretty simple. Your constant emphasis on the fact that you are a "westerner" is uncalled for. The problem is communication and it affects couples all around the world (interracial or not).

@ Leilah, Nairaland cannot help you. Beyond the fact that you and your husband (for how long?) have serious issues with communication, he is also abusive. That is no fault of the igbo gene, it is unfortunate that you got urself an irresponsible husband who just happens to be igbo.

Two of my uncles are igbo and they are happily married to women who have zero ideas of igbo culture (one cant cook to save her life) and yet they are still together and going stroong with kids.
One of my uncles jokingly says he loves coming to my mom's because that's the one place he can taste real igbo food once in a blue moon.

Your husband's problems go way beyond his need for an igbo wife in future. He might even kill you at this rate well before he finds himself an Ngozi.

Jeez Dave your right. Ya see I was thinking on one hand that I needed to learn and have a very deep understanding of the culture. Then when I explained that I am very eager to learn more about it he flipped out! so i was not sure how to interpret how he reacted, whether it was the fact that he didn't want me to learn it for some reason or the fact that he is not into it himself. Dunno really, guess maybe I shouldn't draw too much attention to it. It just goes to show you though that it is obviously is a sensitive issue for some reason (given that he reacted like that).

You should know your man well by now. I'm not sure his culture is of such a sensitive nature that he would have to be violent anytime you brought it up. Infact most people i know are only too proud to teach their western spouses about their culture. I enjoyed the experience immensely, at least she learnt a couple of words in yoruba and could say my local name relatively well.

Your husband has deeper issues, you need to find out before you end up in hospital with broken arms and a black eye.

Yeah true David, he just won't open up about his culture at all I hope he is not in denial of it now that he is living in the west
surely not

IT's strange that you see his reluctance to discuss his culture as a problem but don't object to his getting violent with you? That's a problem, a big one, not his wanting to keep his culture to himself. Is he often violent?

Anyway, on your first issue, maybe he doesn't want to discuss his culture because:
a) he has a new life now with you in a new country and doesn't want to keep looking back all the time. In any case, surely it's down to him to learn and adapt to the culture he lives in, rather than you trying to turn yourself into a pretend Igbo woman?
b) Perhaps he suspects that you see him as 'exotic Igbo man' rather than 'man'. Are you more attracted to him or his 'exotic-ness'? No-one wants to be in a relationship just to give the other person a bit of a thrill.

You seem to think you need to become a substitute Igbo woman for him and that will make him love you more. If he wanted an Igbo woman he would have married one. He married you.In a mixed culture relationship it helps to have a certain amount of understanding about each other's cultures, but I think the culture that you are both living in is the one that takes priority. Mr N is Yoruba, but I don't try to turn myself into a Yoruba woman. We eat some Yoruba food occassionally; we have a ton of plantain in the freezer and I cook up do-do a couple of times a week, and I've been known to make chin-chin and puff puff at times, but 95% of what we eat is English. Why not? We live in England. He loves the 'treat' of going to a friend's house or a cafe for real Yoruba cooking, but he doesn't expect me to start cooking that way. If I did, it wouldn't make him love me more, as he already loves me! If we moved to Nigeria I would eat Nigerian food 95% of the time.

its not about the food coz I just adore nigerian food (exept coconut rice LOL) I don't mind cooking it all the time we have it most days but not everyday. However, yes he can be violent it has happened twice before over petty things. He thinks its okay to hit a woman I take it. I have told him before not to do it but I guess he did it again anyway. Maybe your right about the culture and no I am not with him for his exoticness absolutely not!! as a matter of fact I didn't even fancy him at first and was seeing someone else (that was from the same religion as me) that was a long time ago but very soon after I met him I realised that I had to be with him regardless because thats where my heart was. I have put up many a fight and will continue to do so. But bottom line yes he should not hit me and I think I need to sit him down and have a serious talk with him. Thanks for the advice all, i really appreciate it.

PS he is a born catholic and I am muslim (non practising for now) I had many a problem due to this but now things are begining to fall into place in that regard. Point is, if I wanted something 'exotic' I would have no problem finding one. I found what I wanted.

Leilah:

However, yes he can be violent it has happened twice before over petty things. He thinks its okay to hit a woman I take it. I have told him before not to do it but I guess he did it again anyway.

Leilah, you really need to "move on", get away from this monster as fast as you can. I can't believe you took this shit(for how long?). Why did you marry him in the first place?

You are in the wrong forum to ask for advise.
Look for a forum with women of your kind.
I really ,really pity you you let your man hit yiu more than once and get away with it,
I see no love in that. and i hope your eyes open b4 you have kids.
I do not know what kind of man you have that you cannot even talk to about every thing .
thats more of a slave masser relationship

Do you believe it is normal for Nigerian men to hit their wives? You think it is part of his culture so you allow it? Am I guessing right? You think he doesn't know any better? Open your eyes girl and kick that violent good-for-nothing out! Some Nigerian men think that way but not most (some ignorant European men think that way too, it doesn't mean it's normal or acceptable).

yeah I know. I have had to address the issue. He said it will not happen again. I will forgive him and hope that it doesn't happen again and yes I did think it was part of the culture but even if it was it wouldn't make it right and I know that.

@Topic!

Next time just take a moment to study the kind of guy you decide to get married to especially if you are not of the same cultural heritage.  It is difficult to make a marriage or relationship work within a cultural context not to even imagine that of two different cultures.  You have been on this subject for months and I wonder if it is worth staying in this marriage if you have serious unanswered questions about your union.  Do you like bondage?

Any person in your shoes by now should have long realized that "you cannot teach an old dog new tricks!---Just pick the battles that are worth fighting for---just for the sake of your kids! Goodluck!

I'll try thanks!!!!

don't ever take hitting from any man okay. get the cops for him next time.

Leilah

Dont forgive him, make a formal report to the cops

He is in Europe he should get his act straight

last time u mentioned about how you foot the bills and yet you still do the all the housework

Your man needs to get his act together

He needs to start bending a little for you too

I dont see him here asking how to be a better husband

@ poster, no pun intended. I dont meant to digress from ur question but a man that slams u on the wall and put his hand on ur throat like he was about to strangle u just because u asked a question or for any other reason is so not right.

He sounds plain dangerous. Please be careful Leila - your husband is not normal. Most of us would have kicked him out after the first time but for goodness sake DON'T give him any more chances if anything like it happens again. Most women who have been murdered were killed by their violent husbands/boyfriends.

Only God knows what the husband's take is on these things. Women are very good at relating tales, mostly one-sided.

By the way, why do western women marry without knowing the men to whom they are getting married? You married a man you obviously know little or nothing about. what did you expect to happen afterwards? A man you cant even communicate with after marriage.

Maybe you should let people know what exactly made you fallin love with him in the first place. His sexual ability? You desire for a 'trophy' partner? or perhaps he was just the one around at the time you were desperate?

Sorry. As much as I may have sounded harsh, I have only written this in sincerity.

To be honest, I have seen many of such marriages and they collapse more often than not. They are mostly never well grounded in the first place. When you guys start understand the culture and mentality of an average Nigerian, you will realise how hard it is to be married to one without strong 'grounding'. Problem is, western women will never learn or accept the truth about these things. If you tell them the truth about these things, they think you're just being negative or living in the past without understanding that the way and culture un which a man has been raised determines a lot of things about his mentality.

It will take heavenly intervention for marriages conducted across cultures to really work out as couples have divergent views on things and most agreements are only because one person is supressing his/her inner convictions. How long can any man/woman supress such convictions and beliefs for before it starts to eat them up and they refuse to take anymore?

I wish you the best.

The guy is hiding something; probably a Nigerian wife back home? He fears you may know something, so he has to do whatever it takes to keep you from asking questions, even resorting to violence? Shine your eyes.