A couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although very much in love, couldn’t wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies.

So, he said to his new wife, “Honey, I’ll be right back.” Where are you going, Coochy Coo?” asked the wife.

“I’m going to the bar, Pretty Face. I’m going to have a beer.” The wife said, “You want a beer, my love?” She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc.

The husband didn’t know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, “Yes, Lollipop…but at the bar…you know…they have frozen glasses… ”

He didn’t get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, “You want a frozen glass, Puppy Face?” She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.

The husband, looking a bit pale, said, “Yes, Tootsie Roll, but at the bar they have those hors d’oeuvres that are really delicious…I won’t be long. I’ll be right back. I promise. OK?”

“You want hors d’oeuvres, Poochie h?” She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d’oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, and pork strips.

“But my sweet honey…at the bar….you know there’s swearing, dirty words and all that…”

“You want dirty words, Cutie Pie?…”LISTEN UP D*CKHEAD! SIT DOWN, SHUT THE F*CK UP, DRINK YOUR DAMN BEER IN YOUR DAMN FROZEN MUG, AND EAT YOUR F*CKIN’ HORS D’OEUVRES. BECAUSE YOUR MARRIED ASS ISN’T GOING TO A F*CKIN’ BAR! THAT SH*IT IS OVER… GOT IT, AS*HOLE?”

…and they lived happily ever after.

If you’re ever pulled over for speeding (or any other reason really), you probably shouldn’t say any of the following to the officer standing at your window…
I thought you had to be in good physical condition to be a police officer.
Sorry, Officer, I didn’t realize my radar detector wasn’t plugged in.
Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, so long as one of us does.
Gee, Officer! That’s terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!
I was trying to keep up with traffic. I know there are no other cars around. That’s how far ahead of me they are.
Hey pal, I pay your salary!
Aren’t you the guy from the Village People?
Hey, you must’ve been doing’ about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!
You’re not gonna check the trunk, are you?
When the Officer says “Gee Son….Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?” You probably shouldn’t respond with, “Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?”

A blonde chick found herself sitting next to a lawyer on an airplane. Bored, the lawyer kept bugging the blonde wanting her to play a game of intelligence (lawyers like easy prey). Finally, the lawyer offered her 10 to 1 odds, said every time the blonde could not answer one of his questions she owed him $5, but every time he could not answer hers he’d give her $50.00. The lawyer figured he could not lose, and the blonde reluctantly accepted.

The lawyer first asked, “What is the distance between the Earth and the nearest star?” Without saying a word the blonde handed him $5.

The blonde then asked, “What goes up a hill with 3 legs and comes back down the hill with 4 legs?”

The lawyer looked puzzled. He spent nearly an hour, looking up everything he could on his laptop and even placing numerous air-to-ground phone calls, trying to find the answer. Finally, angry and frustrated, he gave up and paid the blonde $50.00

The blonde put the $50 into her purse without comment, but the lawyer insisted, “What is the answer to your question?”

Without saying a word, the blonde handed him $5.

I suppose the cost of real estate in the ocean will be going up soon, that’s good news for predators apparently.

liberal thoughts

Little Janice was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept through class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, “Tell me Janice, who created the universe?” When Janice didn’t stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear.

“God Almighty!” shouted Janice and the teacher said, “Very good” and Janice fell back asleep.

A while later the teacher asked Janice, “Who is our Lord and Saviour.” But, Janice didn’t even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again.

“Jesus Christ!” shouted Janice and the teacher said, “Very good,” and Janice fell back asleep.

Then the teacher asked Janice a third question. “What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?” and again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin.

This time Janice jumped up and shouted, “If you stick me with that thing one more time, I’ll break it in half and stick it up your ass!”

… the teacher fainted!

Little Johnny kept getting into trouble for disrupting his third grade class, seems he was regularly busting out obnoxiouysly loud farts.

His teacher kept him after school to have a talk with him and, maybe, resolve the problem. When she insisted on knowing why he exhibited such offensive behavior, Little Johnny said, “I do it because I can do it better than anybody, and I’m proud of it.” The teacher, in a moment of despiration, says, “If I show you I can do it better than you, will you stop?”

Little Johnny agreed and the teacher placed two pieces of paper on the floor with identical piles of chalk dust on each one. Johnny dropped his pants, squatted down, farted and blew all but a tiny little speck of dust off the paper. The teacher dropped her panties, lifted her skirt, squatted down and farted but when she was done, there wasn’t a trace of chalk dust left on the paper.

Johnny was astonished and asked if he could see her do it again. She was willing and as she repeated the process, Johnny peeked underneath her skirt.

“No wonder you won!” he exclaimed indignantly,”you’ve got a Double-Barrel!”

There was a cop on his horse waiting to cross the road when Little Johnny, on his new shiny bike, stopped beside him.

“Nice bike,” the cop said, “did Santa bring it to you?”

“Yep,” Little Johnny said, “he sure did!”

The cop looked at the bike and, while handing the boy a $20 ticket, he said “Next year, tell Santa to put a license plate on the back of it.”

To which Little Johnny replied, “nice horse you got their sir, did Santa bring it to you?” “Yea, He sure did,” said the cop.

Looking up at the cop, with the most serious little boy tone, Johnny retorted, “Next year tell Santa to put the weiner underneath the horse instead of on top of it!” and peddled off down the road.

During a good manners and etiquette class being held for young children, the teacher says to her students:

“If you were courting a well educated young girl from a prominent family and during a dinner for two you needed to go to the toilet, what would you say to her?”

Mike replies: “Wait a minute, I’m going for a piss.”

The teacher says: “That would be very rude and improper on your part.”

Charlie replies: “I’m sorry I need to go to the toilet, I’ll be back in a minute.”

The teacher says: “That’s much better but to mention the word “toilet” during a meal, is unpleasant.”

And Little Johnny says: “My dear, please excuse me for a moment. I have to go shake hands with a personal friend, whom, I hope to be able to introduce to you after dinner.”

One day the teacher walked to the back of the room where Johnny was, and he had his hand down his pants.

The Teacher asked, “Johnny, what are you doing?”

Then, Johnny said, “It hurts down there.”

“Well then, you need to go to the nurse and see if you can go home”, said the teacher.

A little while later, Johnny came back to classroom and sat back down.

Then the teacher came to the back of the room again, and he had his dick haging out of his pants.

The teacher said, “Johnny, what’s that doing hanging out of your pants?!”

Then Johnny said, “My mommy said if I can stick it out until noon, she’ll come and pick me up.”

Little Johnny hears the word whorehouse in school and asks his father what it means. His father is quite shocked, and replies, Well, uh, you go there to, uh, have a good time.

Johnny starts screaming and hollering that he wants to go there, too, but his father insists that he’s too young.

Saturday night rolls around. Johnny’s dad and a few of his friends head out to Mable’s (Liquor In The Front, Poker In The Rear! — Our Customers Come First!) for a good time.

Naturally, Little Johnny tags along secretly.

After his dad and his dad’s friends have been safely inside for some time, Little Johnny knocks on the door. The madame opens the door. Yes? she asks.

I’m here to have a good time!, Johnny Says

The madame is a little puzzled, but, being a kind-hearted soul, invites Little Johnny inside. She gives him three donuts and then bids him goodbye.

When he gets home, his dad is frantic. (Dad obviously had come and gone at Mabel’s.) Where have you been?

I went to a WHOREHOUSE! Johnny proudly boasted!

Johnny’s dad blanched. Uhh, you did? Umm, how was it?

Well, I managed the first two without any problem, but I just licked the third one!

President Clinton is out jogging, and he encounters a man with some puppies. Clinton asks the man what kind of puppies they are, and the man responds, “They’re Democrat puppies, Mr. President.”

Clinton thinks that is so great that the next day he brings the first lady to see these puppies for herself. He asks the man to tell Hillary what kind of puppies they are, and the man responds, “They’re Republican puppies.” The president looks puzzled and says, “Yesterday, you told me they were Democrat puppies.” The man smiles and says, “Yesterday, they were. But today, they have their eyes open!”

Osama bin Laden went to heaven and was greeted by George Washington, who slapped him and yelled, “How dare you try to destroy the nation I helped conceive?”

Patrick Henry then approached and punched Osama in the nose. James Madison entered and kicked him in the shin. An angry Thomas Jefferson whacked Osama over the head with a cane.
The thrashing continued as John Randolph, James Monroe and 66 other early Americans came in and unleashed their anger on the terrorist leader.

Suddenly, as Osama lay writhing in unbearable pain, an angel appeared. “This is not what you promised me,” said Osama.

“Now Osama,” the angel replied. “I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you in heaven.”

why women are wrong

This happened in a little town, Norris Arm, in Newfoundland, and even though it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it’s absolutely true.

This guy was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a very dark night in the middle of a terrible rainstorm, and no cars were on the road. The storm was so strong the guy could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly, he saw a car come toward him and stop. The guy, without thinking about it, got in the car and closed the door and only then did he realize that there was nobody behind the wheel!

The car started to move very slowly.The guy looked at the road and saw a curve coming his way. Petrified, he started to pray, begging for his life. He had not come out of shock when, just before the car hit the curve, a hand suddenly appeared through the window and moved the steering wheel. The guy, now paralyzed in terror, watched how the hand appeared every time the car was approaching a curve.Finally, although terrified, the guy managed to open the door and jump out of the spooky car. Without looking back, the guy ran through the storm all the way to the nearest town. Soaking wet exhausted and in a state of utter shock the pale, visibly shaken guy, walked into a nearby bar and asked for two shots of Scotch.

Then, still trembling with fright, he started telling everybody in the bar about the horrible experience he just went through with the spooky car with no driver and the mysterious hand that kept appearing. Everyone in the bar listed in silence and became frightened, listening to this eerie story, hairs stood on end when they realized the guy was telling the truth because he was crying and he definitely was not drunk!

About half an hour later two guys walked into the same bar and one said to the other, “Hey, there’s the arsehole who jumped into the car while we were pushin it!”

Bob wearily trudged into his house and laid down his bag of golf clubs. “How was your game, darling?” asked his wife, Jane. “I was hitting the ball ok, but my eyesight’s gotten so damn bad I couldn’t see where the ball went.” shrugged Bob.

“Well, you’re 75 years old,” said Jane. “You can’t expect everything to be like it was. Why don’t you take my brother Jimmy along?” “But he’s 85 and he doesn’t even play golf any more…” protested Bob. “But he’s got perfect eyesight,” Jane pointed out. “he can watch the ball for you.”

So the next day Bob teed off with Jimmy looking on. He swung and the ball disappeared down the middle of the fairway. “Do you see it, do you see it?” asked Bob in anticipation. “Yep!” Jimmy answered. “Well where is it?” exclaimed Bob, peering off into the distance.

“I forgot,” said Jimmy.

A man was driving down the road and ran out of gas. Just at that moment, a bee flew in his window. The bee said, “What seems to be the problem?” “I’m out of gas,” the man replied.

The bee told the man to wait right there and flew away. Minutes later, the man watched as an entire swarm of bees flew to his car and into his gas tank. After a few minutes, the bees flew out. “Try it now,” said one bee.

The man turned the ignition key and the car started right up. “Wow!” the man exclaimed, “what did you put in my gas tank”?

The bee answered,



I see you smiling

nurses strategy

Following up with the Top 10 Reasons for Becoming a Nurse, now that you’ve decided to go down the path of a self-less job that doesn’t get any respect - you’ll need to know some of the more commonly used terminology in the nursing industry.
“No, really, I don’t mind changing the TV channel for you. Again.”
“I’m sorry, it’s not THAT kind of Tylenol.”
“You won’t feel a thing.”
“Because your doctor said so.”
“This won’t hurt a bit.”
“I swear, if that patient rings the call bell one more time.”
“No, I will NOT give you a sponge bath (to patients perfectly capable of doing it themselves)!”
“Your gonna feel a little stick.”
“How can I help you?” (no less than a MILLION times a shift!)
“Doctor, I’m sorry to wake you, but.” (this one is okay by us)

Samantha, pregnant with her first child, was paying a visit to her obstetrician’s office. When the exam was over, she shyly began, “My husband wants me to ask you… if its still okay…”

“I know, I know.” the doctor said, placing a reassuring hand on her shoulder, “I get asked that question all the time. Sex is fine until late in the pregnancy.”

“No, no… that’s not it at all,” Samantha confessed. “He wants to know if I can still mow the lawn.”

A redneck family from the hills was visiting the city and they were in a mall for the first time in their life. The father and son were strolling around while the wife shopped. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, “Paw, What’s ‘at?”

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, “Son, I dunno. I ain’t never seen anything like that in my entire life, I ain’t got no idea’r what it is.”

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Then the walls opened up again and a gorgeous, voluptuous 24-year-old blonde woman stepped out.

The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his Son, “Boy, go git yo Momma…”

An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the responsibility to marry an extraordinarily beautiful woman, so they could produce gorgeous children beyond compare. With that in mind he set out on a mission to find the perfect woman.

Shortly thereafter he met a Redneck who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away. So he explained his mission to the Redneck and asked for permission to marry one of them.

“Well,” the Redneck replied, “they’re all lookin’ to get married, so you came to the right place. Why don’t you look ‘em over and pick the one you want?”

The man was ecstatic, and decided to take each one out to dinner to size them all up. The first night he dated the first daughter. The next day the Redneck asked for the man’s opinion.

“Well,” said the man, “she’s just a wee bit - not that you can hardly notice - pigeon-toed.”

The Redneck nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls; so the man went out with the second daughter.

The next day, the Redneck again asked how things went.

“Well,” the man replied, “she’s just a wee bit - not that you can hardly tell - crosseyed.”

The Redneck nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if things might be better. So he did.

The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming, “She’s perfect, just perfect! She’s the one I want to marry.”

The redneck gave his blessing, so the couple was wed immediately. Months later their first baby was born. When the man visited the nursery he was horrified: the baby was the ugliest, most pathetic human you can imagine. He rushed to his father-in-law and asked how such a thing could happen considering the beauty of the parents.

“Well,” explained the Redneck, “she was just a wee bit - not that you could hardly tell - pregnant when you met her.”

A bear walks into a bar in Billings, Montana and sits down. He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer.

The bartender approaches and says, “We don’t serve beer to bears in bars in Billings.”
The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer. The bartender tells him again, more forcefully, “We don’t serve beer to belligerent bears in bars in Billings.”

The bear, very angry now, says, “If you don’t serve me a beer, I’m going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar.”

The bartender says again, “Sorry, we don’t serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings.”

The bear goes to the end of the bar and, as promised, eats the woman. He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer.

The bartender states yet again, “Sorry, we don’t serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings that are on drugs.”

The bear says, “I’m not on drugs.”

The bartender says, “You are now, that was a Barbitchyouate.”

Damn! U good. I'm LMAO!

Things That Are Difficult To Say When You’re Drunk:

1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon

Things That Are Very Difficult To Say When You’re Drunk:

1. Specificity
2. Anti-constitutionalistically
3. Passive-aggressive disorder
4. Transubstantiate

Things That Are Downright Impossible To Say When You’re Drunk:

1. Thanks, but I don’t want to have sex.
2. Nope, no more booze for me!
3. Sorry, but you’re not really my type.
4. Taco Bell? No thanks, I’m not hungry.
5. Good evening, officer. Isn’t it lovely out tonight?
6. Oh, I couldn’t! No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.
7. I’m not interested in fighting you.
8. Thank you, but I won’t make any attempt to dance, I have no coordination. I’d hate to look like a fool!
9. Where is the nearest bathroom? I refuse to pee in this parking lot or on the side of the road.
10. I must be going home now as I have to work in the morning.

Alright, this goes against every male sperm in my body but, by popular request, it’s got to be posted. Seems there’s a rumor going around that we’re sexist (maybe she meant to say sexy), but at any rate we’re going to be burying that rumor right now (not the one about being sexy). Eh, lost a bit of my manhood on this one.

Q: Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
A: They don’t stop and ask for directions.

Q: Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking?
A: They all already have boyfriends.

Q: How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?
A: Both of them.

Q: What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
A: A widow.

Q: Why did the man cross the road?
A: He heard the chicken was a slut.

Q: Why don’t women blink during pre-intimacy?
A: Not enough time.

Q: How does a man prove his ability to plan for the future?
A: By buying a case of beer.

Q: What is the difference between men and government bonds?
A: The bonds mature.

Q: Why are blonde jokes so short?
A: So men can remember them.

Q: When do you care for a man’s company?
A: When he owns it.

Q: How do you get a man to do sit-ups?
A: Put the remote control between his toes.

Q: What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?
A: They’re married.

Q: How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
A: We don’t know, it’s never happened.

Q: Why are married women heavier than single Women?
A: Single women come home, see what’s in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what’s in bed and go to the fridge.

@ migines,

thanks man,

A family is sitting around the supper table. The son asks his father, “Dad, how many kinds of breasts are there?

The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, there are three kinds of breasts. In her twenties, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions.”

“Onions?”

“Yes, you see them and they make you cry.”

This infuriated the wife and daughter. So the daughter said ” Mom, how many kinds of joysticks are there?”

The mother, surprised, smiles and looks at her daughter and answers, “Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In a man’s twenties, his penis is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties, it is a birch, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree.”

“A Christmas tree?”

“Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration only!”

hide ur wedding shoe

My men are very brave
General McKenzie was in charge of the Navy, and he was visiting his colleague General Marshall, who was in charge of the Army. McKenzie arrives at the military camp and is greeted by Marshall. They both walk around the place, and McKensie asks: "So how are your men?"

"Very well trained, Gral. McKenzie."

"I hope so. You see, my men over at the Navy are so well trained, you could see they're the bravest men all over the country." "Well, my men are very brave, too."

"I'd like to see that."

So Marshall calls private Cooper and says: "Private Johnson! I want you to stop that tank coming here with your body!"

"Are you crazy? It'd kill me, you idiot! I'm out of here!" As private Johnson ran away, Marshall turned to a bewildered McKenzie and said:

"You see? You have to be pretty brave to talk like that to a general."

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw an unusually beautiful woman boarding the plane.

He soon realized she was heading straight toward his seat. Lo and behold, she took the seat right beside his.

Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?"

She turned, smiled, and said,
"Business. The annual Sexual Education Convention in Chicago."

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen, sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for sex education!

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked,
"What's your business role at this convention?"

"Lecturer," she responded. "I use my experience to debunk some of the
popular myths about sexuality."

"Really," he said. "What myths are
those?"

"Well," she explained. "One popular
myth is that African American men
are the most well endowed, when in
fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait." "Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Jewish descent.

We have, however, found that the best potential lover in all categories is the Southern Redneck."

Suddenly, the woman became a little
uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry", she said. "I shouldn't really be discussing this with you. I don't even know your name."

"Tonto," the man said. "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba."

windows 98

Well well. I dont get dis bubba 1 o.