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Continue The (Lola) Story - Literature (2) - Nairaland

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Writing Game:- Continue The Story; 5 Sentences / Lola: The Story Of The Broken / Continue The Story (Umuata) (1) (2) (3) (4)

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Re: Continue The (Lola) Story by maclatunji: 8:58am On Apr 11, 2012
mykhel995: Then, the explosion rocked the house, leaving a disturbing orange-pink mist in the air. It happened so fast that Shade felt no pain as his body disintegrated. As Chief Adedayo ran instinctively towards the building where the generator was housed, he took no notice of the mist. He unwittingly inhaled bits of Shade as he went towards the site of the explosion.
Then, he saw it, a gold lighter. It was one he hadn't seen before. the explosion was not an accident. the lighter was expected to be found.
He collapsed as the realization hit him. Only now did he notice the unmistakable smell of blood and charred flesh.

I am not sure we want the story to turn like this. Try and go with the flow.

1 Like

Re: Continue The (Lola) Story by EfemenaXY: 10:07am On Apr 11, 2012
Guys you're all doing well on this but a couple of corrections if you don't mind my saying so:

maclatunji:

She had decided against trying her luck with the Adeosuns because she really hated Mr. Adeosun with his ogling eyes which she knew always stripped her unclad whenever he saw her. Yet, the sense of expectation from her interview that now occupied her mind would not let her wait for the Power Holding Company of Nigeria (PHCN) to restore electricity to her area by midnight as they usually did. Hence, she decided to cross the street and charge her phone at the Adedayos' residence. The Adedayos were a close-knit family comprising of Chief Adedayo who was the head of the Amuludun Community Development Association (CDA). Amuludun was the outskirt of Lagos where Lola and her parents lived. Mrs. Adedayo was a popular grocery seller at Ojuwoye market and was a force to be reckoned with within the community especially when political issues were up for consideration. The couple had a daughter, Shade who was a year older than Lola, they had both attended Amuludun Secondary School together and graduated from the same class five years ago. However, the duo had drifted apart based on their different outlooks to life; Shade was a classic city girl who had little or no reservations when it came to men, drugs and alcohol whilst Lola had always been a model young women in terms of character except for her 10-minutes of indiscretion which now traumatized her like a terminal disease wherever she went. She remembered the day she met Kingsley...


Their neighbours are called the Adeosuns, not Adedayo

The Adeosun's daughter is called Bisi not Shade.

wisemen045:

Kingsley had been the reason Lola dropped out of school after her OND. She almost didn’t complete the diploma programme due to the severe complications she developed during pregnancy. ‘’It was all worth it’’ she told herself as she remembered the first time she saw Sandra in the incubator. ‘’It was all worth it’’ she said again. Sandra was a carbon copy of Kingsley and would have passed as his clone if not that Sandra was a girl. ‘’Oh Kingsley’’ she muttered as she recalled how Kingsley’s deft hands had sent sensual shivers down her spine the first night of their tryst at Kingsley’s single room apartment ‘’off K’’ as off campus students’ accommodations were known. It turned out to be a long night for Lola; the night she lost her virtue. And now, jobless with just the OND to hold on to as her ticket to a better tomorrow, she wondered if she hadn’t lost it all.
**************************************************************************

It was 10 PM and the Adedayos , who normally were late sleepers, were getting ready to go to bed. ‘’Shade, Shade, Shade’’, Chief Adedayo bellowed from the bedroom. ‘’Petrol doesn’t fall from heaven ooooo; put off that ‘’gen’’ now’’ Chief Adedayo said to a surprised Shade who was unaccustomed to his father demanding that the ‘’I better pass my neighbour’’ generator be put off at that early hour.

Same thing here too pls. .
Re: Continue The (Lola) Story by olamide123: 10:20am On Apr 11, 2012
*subscribing*... No confidence to contribute embarassed
Re: Continue The (Lola) Story by maclatunji: 10:21am On Apr 11, 2012
Efemena_xy: Guys you're all doing well on this but a couple of corrections if you don't mind my saying so:



Their neighbours are called the Adeosuns, not Adedayo

The Adeosun's daughter is called Bisi not Shade.



Same thing here too pls. .


At first, it was an error by Fyn gal. However, I decided that instead of correcting her, I should create the Adedayos as a new set of characters. Lola and her parents can't and shouldn't have only the Adeosuns as neighbours. You get it now don't you?
Re: Continue The (Lola) Story by wisemen045(m): 10:50am On Apr 11, 2012
maclatunji:

Kindly change that to her.

Sir, the change has been done. Thanks.
Re: Continue The (Lola) Story by wisemen045(m): 10:58am On Apr 11, 2012
Efemena_xy: Guys you're all doing well on this but a couple of corrections if you don't mind my saying so:



Their neighbours are called the Adeosuns, not Adedayo

The Adeosun's daughter is called Bisi not Shade.



Same thing here too pls. .


Maclatunji created/introduced the Adedayos as a new ''neighbour character''. I only helped to establish that.
Re: Continue The (Lola) Story by maclatunji: 11:13am On Apr 11, 2012
olamide123: *subscribing*... No confidence to contribute embarassed

Read the story from the beginning, understand it and if you can manage to write with relatively few errors, you may try- I think. If we are harsh in our criticism, it should only help to make you better as a writer. Not that we are lions that want to devour you. grin
Re: Continue The (Lola) Story by adebayo201: 1:50pm On Apr 11, 2012
maclatunji:

Read the story from the beginning, understand it and if you can manage to write with relatively few errors, you may try- I think. If we are harsh in our criticism, it should only help to make you better as a writer. Not that we are lions that want to devour you. grin
hmmm! Roar! tongue
Re: Continue The (Lola) Story by EfemenaXY: 2:35pm On Apr 11, 2012
maclatunji:

At first, it was an error by Fyn gal. However, I decided that instead of correcting her, I should create the Adedayos as a new set of characters. Lola and her parents can't and shouldn't have only the Adeosuns as neighbours. You get it now don't you?

Ah! I see. Was a bit worried there for a moment but yeah, I get you now - my apology smiley

maclatunji:

I am not sure we want the story to turn like this. Try and go with the flow.

I disagree. I think he's just given the story an interesting twist there (seeing as we've now got a new set of characters)

wisemen045:

Maclatunji created/introduced the Adedayos as a new ''neighbour character''. I only helped to establish that.

No, you're okay there - my mistake. Apologies again wink

@ Adebayo201 grin grin grin
Re: Continue The (Lola) Story by maclatunji: 3:42pm On Apr 11, 2012
^Efemena, you may have to continue from where mykhel1995 stopped if you like his contribution because I am not impressed that he killed-off a character I was just developing. I will rejoin the story when you guys reach a point I can flow with.
Re: Continue The (Lola) Story by EfemenaXY: 4:33pm On Apr 11, 2012
mykhel995: Then, the explosion rocked the house, leaving a disturbing orange-pink mist in the air. It happened so fast that Shade felt no pain as his body disintegrated. As Chief Adedayo ran instinctively towards the building where the generator was housed, he took no notice of the mist. He unwittingly inhaled bits of Shade as he went towards the site of the explosion.
Then, he saw it, a gold lighter. It was one he hadn't seen before. the explosion was not an accident. the lighter was expected to be found.
He collapsed as the realization hit him. Only now did he notice the unmistakable smell of blood and charred flesh.

Chief Adedayo could not believe his eyes. Everything around him suddenly seemed to play out in slow motion. Very slowly, as though in a trance-like state, he gradually dropped to his knees, kneeling beside the charred, motionless remains of his daughter. A scream had formed in the pit of his stomach, risen to his throat but not a sound escaped from his open mouth. There was a dull but steady throbbing in his head which seemed to get louder. Somewhere in his dazed mind, he realised the dull throbbing was infact the pounding of people's feet as his neighbours raced towards him in alarm. There was chaos everywhere.

Suddenly as though from a distance, he heard an eerie scream pierce through the still night. He realised the unearthly scream was from him. His neighbours had by now reached him and were holding him, pulling him back from the scene as he thrashed around uncontrollably in the midst of the commotion. "Otio O!" he yelled beating his chest "Shade!" he called over and over again as tears streamed down his face.

Mrs Adedayo had by now also arrived, took one look at the scene playing before her very eyes and collapsed in a heap on the ground.

"Water!" a neighbour shouted. "Make una bring water come now!"

"Jesu!!" another cried out in fright, making the sign of the cross. "Abeg make una call ambulance come o!"

"Where you for see ambulance? Ambulance ko! Ambulance ni!!" another countered. "Na Okada pessin go take enter reach hospital quick-quick..."

Meanwhile, Lola who had given up knocking on the front door had turned back to go home when she heard the explosion, and had been thrown back against a wall. Mustering her strength about her, she followed the crowd to the back of the Adedosun's house - to where the noise appeared to have come from. Pushing through the crowd of people standing nearby, the acrid stench of burning flesh and fuel suddenly hit her and it was was all she could stomach - when she stumbled upon Mr Adedosun clutching tightly to the seemingly charred remains of an unrecognisable body...no, wait - this wasn't just an unknown body...it was.. Shade's? Shade's??!!

Suddenly the world seemed to swim around her as she felt herself collapsing to the ground in shock...

"There, there, I've got you" She heard faintly as a pair of strong masculine hands caught her from behind, preventing her from hitting the ground as she passed out...

By now a lady had reached the scene, quickly assessed the situation and knelt by the still, seemingly lifeless body. Holding Shade's limp wrist between her thumb and forefinger, she felt for a pulse. It was very weak but there nonetheless. "This girl needs to be taken to the hospital immediately" she said in a loud authoritative voice, as she placed her in the recovery position.

"Mr Adedayo, your daughter isn't dead" she said in a professional voice. "She however has suffered first degree burns and needs to be attended to immediately. I have some IV fluids at home which I'll set up for her, whilst transportation is arranged for to take her to the hospital" she continued. Mrs Adeosun (Mama Bisi), had just returned from her night shift as a nurse at the nearby General Hospital. Lucky she was on hand to help she thought to herself, as she quickly gave instructions over her mobile phone to Bisi to bring her First Aid Kit over...

*********************************************************************************************************

Amaka was close to tears but decided not to jump to any conclusions before speaking properly with Uche. What on earth was he playing at? She asked herself? Could her day get any worse than it already had?

"No, I must compose myself and not let that statement throw me", she said sternly to herself as she placed his dinner on the beautifully designed enamel tray they had received as a wedding present. "For goodness sake girl, pull yourself together!" She chided herself. Taking a deep breath to relax her jumpy nerves, Amaka walked determinedly out of the kitchen with Uche's dinner towards the dining room.

"Baby your dinner is served" she called out to him, in her rich velvety voice.

"Coming" he responded as he dropped the Times newspaper he had been reading whilst waiting for his dinner. "That smells good" he said, nodding in approval at her, as he sat down at the table. Amaka smiled seductively at him as she poured out some water for him into a bowl while he washed his hands.

"Not only does this smell good, it tastes absolutely delicious" he commended her as he swallowed the first morsel. "Baby, I don't know how you do it but your cooking is something I most definitely can not live without. I swear you must have taken cooking lessons in heaven." he continued. Not only was her cooking hard to rival, he decided she looked amazingly sexy today.

"Uh...huh" Amaka responded, hands clasped underneath her chin as she watched her husband tuck into his meal. "Thanks for the compliment" she replied. Now what was it they say about men? No Nigerian men? The quickest way to a man's heart is through his stomach, she recalled, smiling sexily at him from underneath her long lashes...
Re: Continue The (Lola) Story by EfemenaXY: 5:32pm On Apr 11, 2012
maclatunji: ^Efemena, you may have to continue from where mykhel1995 stopped if you like his contribution because I am not impressed that he killed-off a character I was just developing. I will rejoin the story when you guys reach a point I can flow with.

And who says he killed off your character? tongue tongue

The beauty of creative writing is that you can creatively mould it into any shape or form wink

1 Like

Re: Continue The (Lola) Story by olamide123: 9:34am On Apr 12, 2012
Efe, thanks for your compliment on the other thread. Am loving this story.... Getting my pen and paper now wink
Re: Continue The (Lola) Story by 2ruink: 2:35pm On Apr 17, 2012
i so much like this thread. keep it up guys!
Re: Continue The (Lola) Story by Emmandus(m): 4:38pm On Apr 17, 2012
'When Oluchi started this thread no one could have believed It would turn out this way' Emmandus announced on the stage to the cheering crowd,'Let the story continue' He retorted!

Oluchi and the House Kudos!
Re: Continue The (Lola) Story by maclatunji: 6:31pm On Apr 17, 2012
Efemena, I see you O. From dead Shade to burnt Shade. You could have brought Shade back by saying Mr. Adeosun had been dreaming about the generator explosion, no?

Anyway, let us leave it at that. #Welldone
Re: Continue The (Lola) Story by wisemen045(m): 9:52pm On Apr 17, 2012
Efemena_xy:

Chief Adedayo could not believe his eyes. Everything around him suddenly seemed to play out in slow motion. Very slowly, as though in a trance-like state, he gradually dropped to his knees, kneeling beside the charred, motionless remains of his daughter. A scream had formed in the pit of his stomach, risen to his throat but not a sound escaped from his open mouth. There was a dull but steady throbbing in his head which seemed to get louder. Somewhere in his dazed mind, he realised the dull throbbing was infact the pounding of people's feet as his neighbours raced towards him in alarm. There was chaos everywhere.

Suddenly as though from a distance, he heard an eerie scream pierce through the still night. He realised the unearthly scream was from him. His neighbours had by now reached him and were holding him, pulling him back from the scene as he thrashed around uncontrollably in the midst of the commotion. "Otio O!" he yelled beating his chest "Shade!" he called over and over again as tears streamed down his face.

Mrs Adedayo had by now also arrived, took one look at the scene playing before her very eyes and collapsed in a heap on the ground.

"Water!" a neighbour shouted. "Make una bring water come now!"

"Jesu!!" another cried out in fright, making the sign of the cross. "Abeg make una call ambulance come o!"

"Where you for see ambulance? Ambulance ko! Ambulance ni!!" another countered. "Na Okada pessin go take enter reach hospital quick-quick..."

Meanwhile, Lola who had given up knocking on the front door had turned back to go home when she heard the explosion, and had been thrown back against a wall. Mustering her strength about her, she followed the crowd to the back of the Adedosun's house - to where the noise appeared to have come from. Pushing through the crowd of people standing nearby, the acrid stench of burning flesh and fuel suddenly hit her and it was was all she could stomach - when she stumbled upon Mr Adedosun clutching tightly to the seemingly charred remains of an unrecognisable body...no, wait - this wasn't just an unknown body...it was.. Shade's? Shade's??!!

Suddenly the world seemed to swim around her as she felt herself collapsing to the ground in shock...

"There, there, I've got you" She heard faintly as a pair of strong masculine hands caught her from behind, preventing her from hitting the ground as she passed out...

By now a lady had reached the scene, quickly assessed the situation and knelt by the still, seemingly lifeless body. Holding Shade's limp wrist between her thumb and forefinger, she felt for a pulse. It was very weak but there nonetheless. "This girl needs to be taken to the hospital immediately" she said in a loud authoritative voice, as she placed her in the recovery position.

"Mr Adedayo, your daughter isn't dead" she said in a professional voice. "She however has suffered first degree burns and needs to be attended to immediately. I have some IV fluids at home which I'll set up for her, whilst transportation is arranged for to take her to the hospital" she continued. Mrs Adeosun (Mama Bisi), had just returned from her night shift as a nurse at the nearby General Hospital. Lucky she was on hand to help she thought to herself, as she quickly gave instructions over her mobile phone to Bisi to bring her First Aid Kit over...

*********************************************************************************************************

Amaka was close to tears but decided not to jump to any conclusions before speaking properly with Uche. What on earth was he playing at? She asked herself? Could her day get any worse than it already had?

"No, I must compose myself and not let that statement throw me", she said sternly to herself as she placed his dinner on the beautifully designed enamel tray they had received as a wedding present. "For goodness sake girl, pull yourself together!" She chided herself. Taking a deep breath to relax her jumpy nerves, Amaka walked determinedly out of the kitchen with Uche's dinner towards the dining room.

"Baby your dinner is served" she called out to him, in her rich velvety voice.

"Coming" he responded as he dropped the Times newspaper he had been reading whilst waiting for his dinner. "That smells good" he said, nodding in approval at her, as he sat down at the table. Amaka smiled seductively at him as she poured out some water for him into a bowl while he washed his hands.

"Not only does this smell good, it tastes absolutely delicious" he commended her as he swallowed the first morsel. "Baby, I don't know how you do it but your cooking is something I most definitely can not live without. I swear you must have taken cooking lessons in heaven." he continued. Not only was her cooking hard to rival, he decided she looked amazingly sexy today.

"Uh...huh" Amaka responded, hands clasped underneath her chin as she watched her husband tuck into his meal. "Thanks for the compliment" she replied. Now what was it they say about men? No Nigerian men? The quickest way to a man's heart is through his stomach, she recalled, smiling sexily at him from underneath her long lashes...


…..seduction night is on course she told herself. ‘’So baby, how was your day?’’ Amaka inquired again from Uche who was half way through swallowing a morsel of ‘’akpu’’ covered in ‘’ofe Onugbu’’. ‘’Great’’, Uche responded. ‘’Hmmm. Baby you said it was fruitful the other time I asked you and I can’t wait to hear the full gist later tonight’’ replied an elated Amaka, who simultaneously, moved closer to Uche and wiped his mouth with the napkin she had placed on the dining table earlier in the evening.

Unknown to Amaka, Uche had spoken with Dotun his childhood friend while at work and on Dotun’s insistence he had decided to be receptive to Amaka. He briefly recollected how Dotun had chided him for lack of warmth; so tonight he decided to be romantic. Just as Amaka was getting done with cleaning his mouth with the napkin, Uche held Amaka’s right hand and in a soft voice called her by her pet name. ‘’Amy love’’. ‘’I am sorry’’, was all Uche could say thereafter.

*******************************************************************************************

Lola woke up to find herself in her parent’s living room fifteen minutes later. ‘’My head hurts!’’. ‘’How did I get here?’’. ‘’Shade…. Shade; Baba Shade’s house is on fire she screamed.
Re: Continue The (Lola) Story by EfemenaXY: 6:48am On Apr 18, 2012
maclatunji: Efemena, I see you O. From dead Shade to burnt Shade. You could have brought Shade back by saying Mr. Adeosun had been dreaming about the generator explosion, no?

Anyway, let us leave it at that. #Welldone

Now why didn't I think of that?

An explosion does not necessarily kill off everyone, nor does a disintegrated body necessarily mean a dead body...

Re: Dreaming, is too easy an option. I prefer to er...challenge / stretch my imagination cool

Gosh! But are hard to please o! tongue tongue tongue
Re: Continue The (Lola) Story by maclatunji: 6:52am On Apr 18, 2012
^You got me #smiling there. That post was half-teasing so don't take my comments too seriously. The story is beginning to flow- Oya, who is contributing next? I doubt it will be me sha.
Re: Continue The (Lola) Story by EfemenaXY: 7:06am On Apr 18, 2012
cheesy cheesy
Re: Continue The (Lola) Story by Sugardiva(f): 4:32pm On Apr 18, 2012
Lola's Mother moved to restrain Lola from jumping off the sofa in a frenzy.

'Calm down, Lola' She said. 'Shade's house is not on fire.'

Lola looked at her mother somewhat confused. 'But I saw it happen. An explosion...'

Lola's mother gently pressed her daughter back on the soft velvety sofa cutting her short 'Shade's not dead. Mama Bisi is attending to her . She will be fine.'

'Are u sure Mom? She looked almost dead to me, o Mom! Shade's body lay lifeless on the floor. It ws terrible. Blood everywhere.' She closed her eyes and put her hands over her face in a faint almost unconscious hope that she could block out the traumatizing images of Shade's burnt and bloodied body on the floor.

Her mother took her daughter's head in her hands and shook it gently and then looked directly into her eyes trying to get through to her;

Shade's not dead! Mama Bisi came on the scene just in the nick of time and did some CPR on her. Shade has been rushed to the hospital.'

Lola looked blankly at her mother for a few seconds as the words sunk in. She heaved a heavy sigh of relief.

A bit pacified, Lola lay back on the Cushion while her mother put a cool wet cloth over her face. 'Are you feeling alright?' Lola's mother asked her eyes roaminng all over her daughters slim body frame trying to figure out if she had suffered some injuries too.

'I'm fine, Mom.' Lola replied tiredly almost inaudibly as she closed her eyes. 'My head aches but I think ill be fine.'

'Just try to rest dear.' Mama Lola looked at her daughter as she lay on the Sofa. She looked so frail. Mama Lola could feel her eyes wetting as she thought of the possibility of what might have happened if her daughter had been closer to the explosion. She looked up sending a silent prayer of thanks to God for preserving her daughter. She thought of all the hardships her daughter had gone through and how she had not been very supportive of her daughter's plight. She made a conscious resolve to be a better mother to her.

'Mommy? I heard Mommy screaming.' It was Sandra speaking as she came into the room moving straight to Lola to touch her.

'No, Your Mommy is sleeping now. Dont wake her.' Mama Lola moved to stop Sandra but was too late. Sandra was already shaking Lola and saying;

'Mommy. Mommy wake up'

It was then that Mama Lola noticed that Lola seemed to be sleeping too peacefully. Lola wasnt responding at all to the pressure from Sandra's tiny pressing hands. A chill went through her spine and shejoined Sandra to shake her.

'Lola! Lola! wake up!' No response. She took the bowl of water by her feet with which she had been wetting the cloth to cool her daughter's head and poured the cool water over Lola's head. Still no response, not even a tiny flinch.

She stared at the tiny Sandra who was looking at her with large innocent confused eyes and said dazedly 'I think she is in a Coma'
Re: Continue The (Lola) Story by DailyNews(m): 1:14am On Apr 22, 2012
@oluchi & other ambitious writers here, pls come & join us...lets come together & achieve our life dreams of becoming renowned published authors. pls join the Naija young writers club, check through this literature section, u will see it. or email your name, genre, & state of residents to: dailyy.newss@gmail.com. waiting for u guys. cheers!
Re: Continue The (Lola) Story by AmakaG29(f): 9:34pm On Apr 23, 2012
What I am about to say will be harsh but honest... I was captivated by the initial story. I had full investment in the characters, their subtle actions, and their lives unfolding. The addition of overly dramatic occurrences like explosions and comas has really taken away from the subtly of the slowly developing plot intricacies in a way that feels cheap. This is starting to look like a Nollywood script. Please, I can't write and commend anyone attempting to, but take time to develop interesting and creative elements rather than grand and extreme yet easy plot twists. There needs to be substantial plot before it gets riddled with twists. I appreciate everyone for contributing.

2 Likes

Re: Continue The (Lola) Story by EfemenaXY: 1:07am On Apr 24, 2012
Amaka G29:
What I am about to say will be harsh but honest... I was captivated by the initial story. I had full investment in the characters, their subtle actions, and their lives unfolding. The addition of overly dramatic occurrences like explosions and comas has really taken away from the subtly of the slowly developing plot intricacies in a way that feels cheap. This is starting to look like a Nollywood script. Please, I can't write and commend anyone attempting to, but take time to develop interesting and creative elements rather than grand and extreme yet easy plot twists. There needs to be substantial plot before it gets riddled with twists. I appreciate everyone for contributing.

It pains me to say this, but unfortunately what you say is very true. But remember, the more contributors you have, the greater the chances are of people killing off characters with cheap & easy plots.

It's easier to destroy than to build up. This is where a little creativity goes a long way to undoing a tacky plot.

Oh well, that's my opinion. But thanks for the reality check. A little constructive critism goes a long way smiley
Re: Continue The (Lola) Story by maclatunji: 6:41am On Apr 24, 2012
^But you were the one trying to defend the guy now. Good fiction is not just about typing correct English, it is about engaging and sustaining the interest of your readers. Your story should not become a farce.

Efe, don't let us argue over it. The story can still get better. So, let's move on.
Re: Continue The (Lola) Story by EfemenaXY: 7:15am On Apr 24, 2012
^^ So my contribution is a farce??

Okay o! I know when I'm not needed. From now on, I'll just be a spectator lipsrsealed
Re: Continue The (Lola) Story by maclatunji: 8:31am On Apr 24, 2012
Efemena_xy: ^^ So my contribution is a farce??

Okay o! I know when I'm not needed. From now on, I'll just be a spectator lipsrsealed

O #sweetheart, did I say your contribution is a farce? No! I am only telling you that Lola going to charge her phone at her neighbour's house should not end in the neighbour's daughter getting her body 'disintegrated' like suya in an explosion when we are trying to build that angle. Now, were you the one that wrote that? No! So, if anybody should be angry at my post, it should be mykhel995.

Chai, see how you dey vex. Oya, start typing I am expecting your next contribution jor.
Re: Continue The (Lola) Story by Sugardiva(f): 11:20am On Apr 24, 2012
Amaka G29:
What I am about to say will be harsh but honest... I was captivated by the initial story. I had full investment in the characters, their subtle actions, and their lives unfolding. The addition of overly dramatic occurrences like explosions and comas has really taken away from the subtly of the slowly developing plot intricacies in a way that feels cheap. This is starting to look like a Nollywood script. Please, I can't write and commend anyone attempting to, but take time to develop interesting and creative elements rather than grand and extreme yet easy plot twists. There needs to be substantial plot before it gets riddled with twists. I appreciate everyone for contributing.

I agree.
Re: Continue The (Lola) Story by EfemenaXY: 12:49pm On Apr 24, 2012
maclatunji:

O #sweetheart, did I say your contribution is a farce? No! I am only telling you that Lola going to charge her phone at her neighbour's house should not end in the neighbour's daughter getting her body 'disintegrated' like suya in an explosion when we are trying to build that angle. Now, were you the one that wrote that? No! So, if anybody should be angry at my post, it should be mykhel995.

Chai, see how you dey vex. Oya, start typing I am expecting your next contribution jor.

Lol! You sef!! Was just pulling your legs tongue tongue

Re: @ disintegrated suya grin grin grin

Anyway, methinks the gentleman doth protest - your turn before someone kills off Amaka & Uche...
Re: Continue The (Lola) Story by maclatunji: 2:51pm On Apr 24, 2012
Efemena_xy:

Lol! You sef!! Was just pulling your legs tongue tongue

Re: @ disintegrated suya grin grin grin

Anyway, methinks the gentleman doth protest - your turn before someone kills off Amaka & Uche...

LOL. Not now, too much work.
Re: Continue The (Lola) Story by maclatunji: 12:23pm On May 11, 2012
Sugardiva: Lola's Mother moved to restrain Lola from jumping off the sofa in a frenzy.

'Calm down, Lola' She said. 'Shade's house is not on fire.'

Lola looked at her mother somewhat confused. 'But I saw it happen. An explosion...'

Lola's mother gently pressed her daughter back on the soft velvety sofa cutting her short 'Shade's not dead. Mama Bisi is attending to her . She will be fine.'

'Are u sure Mom? She looked almost dead to me, o Mom! Shade's body lay lifeless on the floor. It ws terrible. Blood everywhere.' She closed her eyes and put her hands over her face in a faint almost unconscious hope that she could block out the traumatizing images of Shade's burnt and bloodied body on the floor.

Her mother took her daughter's head in her hands and shook it gently and then looked directly into her eyes trying to get through to her;

Shade's not dead! Mama Bisi came on the scene just in the nick of time and did some CPR on her. Shade has been rushed to the hospital.'

Lola looked blankly at her mother for a few seconds as the words sunk in. She heaved a heavy sigh of relief.

A bit pacified, Lola lay back on the Cushion while her mother put a cool wet cloth over her face. 'Are you feeling alright?' Lola's mother asked her eyes roaminng all over her daughters slim body frame trying to figure out if she had suffered some injuries too.

'I'm fine, Mom.' Lola replied tiredly almost inaudibly as she closed her eyes. 'My head aches but I think ill be fine.'

'Just try to rest dear.' Mama Lola looked at her daughter as she lay on the Sofa. She looked so frail. Mama Lola could feel her eyes wetting as she thought of the possibility of what might have happened if her daughter had been closer to the explosion. She looked up sending a silent prayer of thanks to God for preserving her daughter. She thought of all the hardships her daughter had gone through and how she had not been very supportive of her daughter's plight. She made a conscious resolve to be a better mother to her.

'Mommy? I heard Mommy screaming.' It was Sandra speaking as she came into the room moving straight to Lola to touch her.

'No, Your Mommy is sleeping now. Dont wake her.' Mama Lola moved to stop Sandra but was too late. Sandra was already shaking Lola and saying;

'Mommy. Mommy wake up'

It was then that Mama Lola noticed that Lola seemed to be sleeping too peacefully. Lola wasnt responding at all to the pressure from Sandra's tiny pressing hands. A chill went through her spine and shejoined Sandra to shake her.

'Lola! Lola! wake up!' No response. She took the bowl of water by her feet with which she had been wetting the cloth to cool her daughter's head and poured the cool water over Lola's head. Still no response, not even a tiny flinch.

She stared at the tiny Sandra who was looking at her with large innocent confused eyes and said dazedly 'I think she is in a Coma'

Mama Lola's heart skipped several beats as she feared the worst- here was her only daughter in front of her lying so still almost lifeless. "Lifeless," that word seemed to jolt her to reality, Lola was still alive and would soon become lifeless without emergency medical attention. Then it hit her, she could call the Lagos State Emergency Numbers 777 or 112 for help. She wasn't sure that her call would be picked-up but she thought it was worth a trial especially with the encouraging advert that she had heard earlier-on in the day on Lagos Radio. Sandra started crying; "Is mommy dead?" she asked in-between sobs as she shook her mother's arm with her delicate little hands. Mama Lola ignored her granddaughter and brought-out her battered Nokia 3310 (it was the only phone she had ever owned). She called out the numbers 7-7-7 like a Primary 1 pupil learning arithmetic as she dialed the number. The phone made a beep and a friendly female voice responded: "Hello! My name is Ronke from the Lagos Emergency Centre, how may I help you?"

Mama Lola screamed, e gba mi O, it is my daughter O. She just escape explosion and is now unconscious. Ronke, the emergency centre attendant at the other end of the call responded: "Was it a bomb explosion and where did it happen?" Mama Lola responded: "no, it is generator explosion, the explosion happened at Chief Adedayo's house, No. 1 Adedayo Street, Amuludun, Lagos." Mama Lola who was all-the-while dancing without music due to fear and anguish quickly added: "but madam I am calling you because of my daughter, Lola O, our own address is No.4, Adedayo Street, Amuludun, Lagos." The call center attendant replied: "no problem ma, I am forwarding the information to the ambulance service right now, they will be on their way soon, please be patient as they will definitely come." Mama Lola responded, Um-ha ese O, thank you. She ended the phone call as she thought of her next line of action.

*****************A couple of streets away from Adedayo Street************************

Baba Lola was arguing at the viewing centre over whether Chelsea could come back from a 1-3 deficit against Napoli in the 2nd leg of the second round of the UEFA Champions League with his best friend Papa John at Mosco's viewing centre. He had been anticipating this match for two weeks and now that it was time for it to kick-off, he couldn't hide his excitement. He told Papa John with all sense of seriousness, "I trust Drogba he must score three goals, tonight." Papa John retorded, "like he scored in the first leg, abi?" Baba Lola in the heat of the excitement of Champions League Football did not notice that his phone was ringing...
Re: Continue The (Lola) Story by corrall(f): 5:06pm On May 14, 2012
maclatunji:

Mama Lola's heart skipped several beats as she feared the worst- here was her only daughter in front of her lying so still almost lifeless. "Lifeless," that word seemed to jolt her to reality, Lola was still alive and would soon become lifeless without emergency medical attention. Then it hit her, she could call the Lagos State Emergency Numbers 777 or 112 for help. She wasn't sure that her call would be picked-up but she thought it was worth a trial especially with the encouraging advert that she had heard earlier-on in the day on Lagos Radio. Sandra started crying; "Is mommy dead?" she asked in-between sobs as she shook her mother's arm with her delicate little hands. Mama Lola ignored her granddaughter and brought-out her battered Nokia 3310 (it was the only phone she had ever owned). She called out the numbers 7-7-7 like a Primary 1 pupil learning arithmetic as she dialed the number. The phone made a beep and a friendly female voice responded: "Hello! My name is Ronke from the Lagos Emergency Centre, how may I help you?"

Mama Lola screamed, e gba mi O, it is my daughter O. She just escape explosion and is now unconscious. Ronke, the emergency centre attendant at the other end of the call responded: "Was it a bomb explosion and where did it happen?" Mama Lola responded: "no, it is generator explosion, the explosion happened at Chief Adedayo's house, No. 1 Adedayo Street, Amuludun, Lagos." Mama Lola who was all-the-while dancing without music due to fear and anguish quickly added: "but madam I am calling you because of my daughter, Lola O, our own address is No.4, Adedayo Street, Amuludun, Lagos." The call center attendant replied: "no problem ma, I am forwarding the information to the ambulance service right now, they will be on their way soon, please be patient as they will definitely come." Mama Lola responded, Um-ha ese O, thank you. She ended the phone call as she thought of her next line of action.

*****************A couple of streets away from Adedayo Street************************

Baba Lola was arguing at the viewing centre over whether Chelsea could come back from a 1-3 deficit against Napoli in the 2nd leg of the second round of the UEFA Champions League with his best friend Papa John at Mosco's viewing centre. He had been anticipating this match for two weeks and now that it was time for it to kick-off, he couldn't hide his excitement. He told Papa John with all sense of seriousness, "I trust Drogba he must score three goals, tonight." Papa John retorded, "like he scored in the first leg, abi?" Baba Lola in the heat of the excitement of Champions League Football did not notice that his phone was ringing...


"Its a GO....ahhhh, what was that move he made, this guy just has to score again", said Baba Lola. Just then, he hears a phone ringing, he shouts "whose phone is that? please answer and stop distracting us", the ringing continued, Papa John said, "its seems like its ringing from your pocket o, better check", He checked and saw that it was Iya Lola, "why is this woman disturbing me, hello, kilode, what is it? i have told you i will soon come back, why are you disturbing me?...what? What is wrong with Lola? ...ahhh...fire? explosion? ahhh...i am coming"

While he walked home, so many thought came into his head, Lola was his only child, even though he was not happy with the fact that at her age, she was still under his roof. Oh what dreams he had, he had dreamt that she will one day grew up, go to school, become a medical doctor, or maybe a lawyer, marry a rich and wealthy man, who will build a big house for him and...the shrill sound of a siren brought him back to earth, when the ambulance drove pass him, it was then he realised that he was almost home and the ambulance stopped in front of his house.

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