My Predictions For 2012

First, a warning to all readers, I am plagiarizing Pius Adesanmi’s style by recommending that you get a compilation of Fela Anikulapo’s CD with the following tracks (Authority Stealing, Government Magic, Beast of no Nation, Overtake Don Overtake Overtake, Vagabonds in Power and Suffering and Smiling) to play while reading the predictions for 2012. By the way, 2012 is spiritually tagged ‘Year of Unexpected Happenings’ for the simple reason that most of the events we shall witness in 2012 shall happen suddenly like increase in fuel prices. After days of fasting, praying and doing battle in the spiritual realm (wherever that is), I managed to glimpse year 2012 and will not bore you with minor details (like increase in food prices and school fees and strikes by teachers) but with the ones I consider major happenings to  look forward to in the new year. The predictions are rather long but how for do? We have to deliver ‘His’ message to you ‘His people’. That is how we get our private jets and brand new Hummer Jeeps and pay our security guards (You cannot depend on God to protect you all the time. God’s protection plus few armed MOPOLs is the best)

Power Supply

I recommend our public officials and Ministers especially, to stop granting interviews after attending burial ceremonies and after consuming free alcohol. Prof. Barth Nnaji, the Minister of Power mentioned something about ‘stable’ power supply in Nigeria recently after attending a funeral in Kaduna and possibly having one or two extra glasses of wine or imported ogogoro at the reception. Power is not stable in Nigeria and will not be stable for the next 25 years according to the vision I received. Dreaming about stable power supply or mentioning it will not make it happen. Prof. Nnaji, wake up and get to work and stop using the power of dreams to make the impossible happen. You must have been listening to too many ‘Inspirational Speakers’ and not reading Nigerian newspapers or else, you would have learnt that Egbin Thermal power station broke down  some weeks ago and has not yet been repaired. ‘To your generators, oh Nigerians’, says the Lord of Hosts. The government can however work harder to start purchasing power from Ghana as proposed.

Unemployment

Unemployment will increase this year as more Chinese, Lebanese and Indian labourers, carpenters, painters and bricklayers invade Nigeria in the name of direct foreign investment and take the few remaining jobs from Nigerians. The best part of this laudable development is that the government will provide them all necessary facilities to function and improve our economy (are you playing ‘Government Magic’ or ‘Vagabonds in Power’ now?) Fresh graduates shall remain fresh without jobs except as thugs (to beat protesters at Lekki toll Gate for example) and ‘mobilizers’ for politicians while the females among them will travel to Italy to earn foreign exchange or move to Abuja for ‘Aristo’ runs. We should be clapping our hands now for this development.

NYSC

2012 is the beginning of the end for NYSC and it is not because of ‘Boko Haram’ attacks on Corpers. From 2013 onwards, no Nigerian student will graduate before the age of thirty due to strikes by ASUU; thus removing the need for them to go and waste one year serving their fatherland unless the government raised the age to forty years. This will also deny some governors the opportunity to claim they ‘evacuated’ 200 NYSC members from their states with 150 million Naira.

New and Existing Churches

This is another year of ‘Bountiful Harvests’ for all churches. At least a hundred thousand new churches will be established to join the already existing ones to mop up ‘excess liquidity’ from the system, a function the Central Bank of Nigeria seems not to be able to perform efficiently. More miracles will be performed in churches this year. The crippled will not only walk, amputees shall grow new legs and arms, eyes of the blind shall open and see and the deaf shall hear and talk clearly. Husbands and wives will be provided on demand for those in need. All dead ‘third legs’ shall rise again majestically without the aid of Viagra. Praise the Lord someone?

General Overseers, Pastors, Bishops and Primates will purchase more private jets and tar roads to their villages as part of the Lords’ plan to showcase His ‘Prosperity’ among His faithful servants. Slapping of child witches will increase but not televised to embarrass ‘Papas’ who are only trying to make Nigeria ‘witch-free’. Nigerians are all advised not to envy them but to establish their own churches and enjoy Gods’ blessings. A word as they say is enough for the wise.

Roads

Our roads will get worse. Accidents will multiply 5 times and all the 50,000 ‘Ogbanje and Occult’ spirits in Africa (that was one of the reasons for the slapping sessions you are all belly-aching about) will move their headquarters to our roads to claim lives for their rituals. This clarification is necessary so that we do not blame our leaders when accidents start getting worse. More contracts for road rehabilitation will be awarded but the money will only end up ‘rehabilitating’ the bank accounts of the contractors (Vagabonds in Power still playing?)

National Assembly

Our Honourables were anointed by God Himself and should not be castigated. They are trying their best for us, given the circumstances. They recently enacted a law against same-sex marriage which majority of Nigerians applauded. That is enough for one year. This year (2012), the National Assembly will enact a law against sex with animals in defiance of the US Senate and go into hibernation till 2013. We shall applaud them again for a job well done. It does not matter if they have no time to legislate on issues that concerns us directly. Allowances will be increased for them for the hard work they are doing and to take care of inflation (The CD should be playing ‘Overtake don overtake overtake’ by now). Some bad news for the Honourables, 6 Senators and 18 members of House of Representatives will not be in the chambers in 2013 due to various reasons ranging from court decisions to deaths. This cannot be changed by prayers or sacrifices. Enjoy now while you can.

Upcoming Elections

2012 is the year of PDP. The party will win all elections scheduled for 2012 without exception. Where they fail to win clearly through the ballot, the party will win through the courts. No weapon fashioned against PDP shall work, say the ‘Lord’ until………,  I was not shown what followed after the ‘until’ but you can fill in the gap anyhow you like.

Judiciary

In 2012, the judiciary will move from being known as the friend of the ‘common man’ to the friend of the ‘uncommon man’. Nigerian judges, especially those adjudicating electoral disputes will be listed among the Forbes list of ‘100 Richest Africans’. They will stop accepting ‘Ghana must go bags’ and start using electronic transfers for bribes.

Power Holding Company of Nigeria (PHCN)

All policies formulated to make this behemoth work shall fail totally in 2012. You can ‘privatize’, publicise’ or scatterize PHCN, it will not work because of the dark spirits inhabiting the offices of PHCN nationwide. PHCN will introduce ‘advance billing’ in 2012 to ensure you pay for power you have not yet consumed. The idea of bringing electricity bills at the end of the month is responsible for the bad belle of Nigerians. Advance billing will solve that. Once you have paid for power in advance, you will not be able to complain about being fleeced for services not provided. Nigerians should remember that PHCN formerly known as NEPA and formerly known as ECN was not established to provide ‘services’ but to distribute bills and disconnect power. Nigerians are also advised not to throw away their generators yet. ‘The beautiful ones are not yet born’ according to Ayii Kwei Armah, the Ghanaian author. The man or woman who will make us forget the roar of the generators in Nigeria is not yet born. (‘By the rivers of Babylon ………, ’ might be the appropriate song for this revelation)

Fuel Subsidy

This will crawl on us unexpectedly in the New Year. We are not going to do anything about it as usual because ‘God dey’. Petrol will cost around 200 Naira per litre. Poor Nigerians should invest part of their Christmas budget on jogging shoes and bicycles but unfortunately, prices of bicycles will increase by 1000 percent due to increased demand. Fake Chinese bicycles will flood the market and Igbobi Hospital will do roaring business. Increase in petrol price will take 60% of those rickety vehicles off the road and there will be less work for MOPOL to ‘clear’ roads for the big ogas (The CD should be playing ‘Suffering and Smiling’ now)

Aso Rock

With a billion naira budgeted for food, the Chefs in Aso Rock will start importing elephants, crocodiles, ostriches, peacocks, pythons, giraffes,  and rhinoceros from South Africa, pheasants from England and salmon from Russia to serve guests. Cassava bread will be filled with chocolate, ice cream and fresh yoghurt to remove the ordinariness from it. (muna da kudi a Nigeria. Yaaya ba sa mukeshe shi ba? That means we have money in Nigeria why should we not spend it?).

Pot bellies around Aso Rock are ordained to grow bigger in 2012, buttocks will become rounder and heavier, jewellery more bogus and the ringed necks of politicians will acquire additional lines. A consolation for poor people, none of them will suffer from diabetes since they will not be able to afford sugar talk less of having excess of it in their bloods. The Presidency officials will attend conferences to be held on Mars, Saturn and Pluto to justify the huge amounts budgeted for official travels. Stationery will be gold-plated and writing pens diamond–encrusted. The Town Criers of Aso Rock will do well in 2012. All of them will change their designers to the most expensive ones in Europe and America. Their shoes will come from Gucci and Balenciaga while their colognes will come from  Bvlgari and Calvin Klein. (Authority Stealing?)

2012 Olympics

Nigeria as usual will go to the Olympics with the largest delegation (50 athletes, 500 officials) but will not win any medal; not even ‘grass’. Good news however for our smaller African brothers. Uganda, Tanzania, Kenya, Ethiopia, Botswana, Somalia (yes) and South Africa will win gold medals in various events. We should blame no one, Olympics is about participating and not about winning. Estacodes will be paid to officials who travel to London for the Olympics with their wives and concubines. 3000 of the 3500 supporters from Nigeria who will receive visas to watch the Olympics will ‘disappear’ in London. God is Great!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Authority stealing still playing?)

Police

‘Police is your friend’ not so? They will be even more ‘friendlier’ in 2012 as the year will be better for the Police force. More checkpoints will be established to combat the ‘menace’ of ‘criminal’ elements and ‘Boko Haram’. Random arrests will reduce and bail will be standardized. Okada riders can heave a sigh of relief. They will not be required to pay bribes more than thrice a day in 2012 because the police will be making so much money from other sources, they will not be worried about peanuts of Okada riders. On a positive side however, the improved standards of living of police officers will attract more graduates to the force. All motorists and road users are advised to cooperate with the police in the collection of ‘roger’ to avoid accidental discharge. Just pay up and move on if you are not ready to rebel. The first Police Officer to buy a private jet will do it in 2012. Many of them will move to VGC with their families. Checkpoint money sweet o.

Crime and Criminals

Italian type Mafia Godfathers will emerge this year. Nigerians will start paying for ‘protection’ to their local godfathers and will be safe from armed robbers, Police Officers and car-snatchers. Armed robbers will not be asking for laptops in 2012 but I-Pad 2, 3D phones and foreign currencies due to the depreciating value of the Naira. Bank robberies will reduce drastically because the banks will reach agreement with the robbers on percentage of their profits to pay as ‘settlement’ to the boys. The situation will now change to bigger robbers lording it over the smaller ones to protect banks within their territories. Inspector General of Police will be retired and he will become a ‘Security consultant’ to various blue-chip firms on crime prevention. Surprised? Well, this is Nigeria.

Boko Haram

BH will negotiate with the government, sign a ceasefire agreement and open ‘liaison’ offices in all states of the federation (you read it right). Bombings will be announced well ahead of time as part of the terms of the negotiations. BH will win the contract for the fireworks display for our independence celebrations in 2012. They will not disappoint.

Romance

2012 is the year of romance. Couples will experience better sex than last year. With no electricity, no petrol to run generators and retiring early to avoid criminals, there will be nowhere else to go except the bedroom. Remember to use condoms sha to avoid producing unwanted juniors. Marriages will still happen once in a while for women who are exceptionally gifted at ‘multi-tasking’. The women should remember that old saying about not wanting to buy the cow if you are already getting the milk free. If Nigerian men are already getting the ‘milk’ free, why should they think of paying for the cow or cows or cattle producing the milk?   

Deaths of the Famous

There will be harvest of deaths of very big, very rich and very popular persons in 2012. Once you can be described as ‘very’ anything, you are in trouble in 2012. All big men are advised to update their wills and hand over the secret codes to their Swiss Bank accounts to their lawyers for safekeeping in case they kicked the bucket this year. All those who ever stole money from the Nigerian treasury and are presently sick will not survive the year. Those of them not yet sick will fall sick and will not enjoy the billions they have stashed away. Their Statement of Accounts will make them sad as they contemplate the remaining time for them to move on. As ‘usual’, two very popular musicians will die this year. I was also shown a national funeral in the second quarter of the year. This means all our former heads of state, military and civilian should start saying their goodbyes to friends and relatives in case this affects them. Traditional rulers will also die like mosquitoes facing attack from original otapiapia. They should enjoy now while they can. Traditional rulers are also advised to stop visiting Aso rock to pay ‘solidarity visits’ because they will have accidents on the way since they were not sent by their subjects. Nollywood will lose a few popular actors too.alt

Last King of Scotland?

I was shown dark clouds hanging above Nigeria in the third quarter of 2012. I saw angry crowds and large contingents of MOPOL armed to the teeth firing tear-gas but also saw United Nations, Human Rights Watch and Amnesty International officials standing around. Then I was shown Nigerian religious leaders pacifying the angry crowds and lastly, I saw a private jet warming up on the tarmac and someone that looks like a ‘ First lady’ dragging 4 heavy suitcases toward this jet in a very great hurry. There were no Personal Assistants around to take the suitcases so I assumed it must be an emergency of sorts. Do not interpret it as anything. (‘Suffering and smiling’ must have finished playing by now. While pondering this revelation, you can insert Eedris Abdulkareem’s ‘Nigeria jagajaga’ CD to help you think)

Thanks for reading this. It is all for fun and should not be taken seriously. Contact me for your personal revelations.




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