Hello Nairalanders,
I am new here and this is my first thread. I need help to understand what's going on with me, please read and advice.

I grew up in a dysfunctional home where my parents din't love themselves and they took it out on the children. They didn't show us love, didn't teach us they basic things in life. Infact, they weren't ready for parenthood. This really affected me.

Consequently, I grew up yearning for love from outside without understanding the reality of life. This led me to making bad choices in men. I have only had one real relationship in my entire life.

Long story short, I have forgiven my parents and I've let go the anger and bitterness I had towards them for ruining my childhood. I also realised that I needed to work on myself to stop attracting bad men. So I took some time off the dating scene to develop myself and be a better person while waiting for my soulmate , I was single for about 10 months.

Then came the DISASTER. I went for my friend's wedding in October. I met a nice looking guy and he followed me everywhere. After much persuasion, I gave him my  contact but we don't live in the same town. We talked on the phone consistently and I started developing feelings for him. But I delayed going to see him. After 2 months of corresponding, I thought he was in love with and I decided to visit him but I refused to get intimate on the first night with.

This when I saw his true colours. He wasn't the gentleman I thought he was. After much fighting and I still refused, he asked me leave his house by 7 am the next morning which I did. I deleted him from my memory the moment I got home.

I knw that I dodged a bullet and I'm grateful to GOD, but I'll like to knw what I did wrong that I'm attracting them jerks. Why did this imbechile waste his time and money calling me when he didn't mean it? What do men gain from tricking sincere girls into sham relationships when punny is so cheap and readily availaible from love peddles?

P.S: I'm 22, a hardworking graduate with prospects and I'm really really beatiful( nice shape and gorgeous face) . This has absolutely nothing to do with my looks.

Also, my standards aren' too high. I just need an articulate and intellectual man who has prospects, lives responsibly, whom I find attractive. Can't compromise on the intellect aspect though, else I'll be bored to death.

Am I asking for too much?

Thanks for your polite and comprehensive response

La Parisienne:



P.S: I'm 22, a hardworking graduate with prospects and I'm really really beatiful( nice shape and gorgeous face) . This has absolutely nothing to do with my looks.

absolutely nothing wrong wit u miss, d problem is u r hot, being hot attracts guys, d guys most likely to approach are the xtremely confident dudes (80% of these are probably bad boys ), goody too shoes guys wud b afraid to say hi, cos of fear of being shunned. how to attract goody goody guys, probably hang out in their fun spots- library, church, seminars and try to make d first move. Best of luck

i dont think you did anything wrong and glad that you found out the type of man he was before you got in too deep.

So for the two months you were both romancing on the phone what did ya'll talk about? i'm sure he had a lot of sexual innuendo which is why i'm thinking you delayed going to his house right?

i can say the only mistake you made is planning to go to a guys house and spend the night without expecting him to make any moves on you. Also what is this going to his house stuff? dont you guys go out on dates while getting to know each other? furthermore dating someone far away from you will continuously lead to such so find someone local and let your intentions be know from jump so that he doesn't get the wrong idea while you are shmoozing each other over the phone

Why are you staying the night if you don't plan on giving it up?

You can't put meat in front of a dog and then chastise him for going after it.

Think woman.

Thanks guys for responding.

@Snthesis, I appreciate.

@25omega, we couldn't go on dates like that cos we live in different states. During the phone romance, we talked about a lot and he was always quick to mention the furture. I thought I had a man in him. He scammed my emotions

@ safo, I travelled to his city and I had no choice but to spend the night. Not tht I didn't want to get intimate, just wanted to knw him a little more

Always look on the bright side of life.We all learn through mistakes so thank God the man wasn't a rapist and he did well to throw u out at 7 am.
Infact that was too late. 6am would have been better.
You sound okay and sober like many other girls so help urself by hanging out with the right crowd and in the right places.
22, dont stress in finding a great man cz he will come knocking as u busy urself doing the right thing,at the right time in the right place,the right way and with the right people.
Dont complicate ur life cz its not that complex.
And note this'your destiny lies not with a mortal being.

SAFO:

Why are you staying the night if you don't plan on giving it up?

You can't put meat in front of a dog and then chastise him for going after it.

Think woman.

i was about to say dat dere s nothin wrong in a guy showin a bit of self control esp on d first nyt but then  i saw d word "dog"  so, it figures.

@poster, dere is absolutely nothing wrong with you. d guy was obviously just full of crap, thank God nothing reali bad happened. next time sha, b more careful, its always safer for first meetings to be in an environment inwhich u r safe n comfortable in, no matter how well u think u clicked with a guy over d fone.
just take ur time jo, u d meet sm1 soon enuf. goodluck.

Gal you have no problem, dats jez life for you, sum pple get things easily while some get em hard bt you will surely get sum1 dat's really worth you

@pendo, mashnino and koolsasy, thanks for the encouragement

La Parisienne:

Thanks guys for responding.


@25omega, we couldn't go on dates like that cos we live in different states. During the phone romance, we talked about a lot and he was always quick to mention the furture. I thought I had a man in him. He scammed my emotions

well talking about the future is talking about the future but did you guys talk about bedroom action? if yes then you should have expected as much because if a guy is talking about doing you, you will either participate in the talk or tell him quick that you want to wait or take it slow.

Anyway the guy was a jerk and he is very immature for asking you to leave because he didn't get his way so good riddance to that f00l

@poster, such is life. Just like their are jerk guys so also jerk gurls who don't take sincere men serious. Just be yourself, believe in your principle and certainly your real man will emanate.

Well for starters,ur dysfunctional upbringing hasn't affected u psychologically,so u r stil on d level. 2.ur fone toaster isn't totally a jerk, atleast he didn't rrape u.n he didn't throw u out in d middle of d nite.he waited till mornin. immature maybe,foolish yes,jerk no.

If I was him,ofcourse, I must razzle u at night wen we want to sleep. difference is,if I see u actually mean no,I will leave u alone.  n I won't throw u out. Food wey be my own no fit pass me.But by d time u leave, wen u see dat my govt is no austerity govt,U'l b d one harassin me u want to ccum again.den, u'l prolly ccum wit only one motive-to shagg me to death.

dat said tho,u seem to attract d bad guys cos dey may be d ones who hav wat it takes to keep a relationship wit u going.guys who gat dough r often arrogant n often carry on as if dey r doing d girls dey shag a favor.

so while u may not know it,ur standards r high.d gud n responsible guys,d minute dey can afford an apartment get married.so dey can't invite u to dia house,only hotels.d ones dat are gud dat  areant married r prolly still squatin wit friends, meanin dey can't invite u ova n most r always hard up anyway. so leave story,ur eye dey up.am also quite sure u r not tellin us d whole story.he prolly paid ur flight ticket to his town.dnt ccum n start soundin holier dan thou here.

OP, there's tym for err'thing, but ryt now, I aint gat tym to ead all that.

@poster
IMHO, you are to be blamed for all this shiit. here is why i feel this way:
- how can you judge someone from seeing them ONCE and then wasting 2 months contacting them on the phone?
- on what criteria did you assume that this guy was IT?
- why didnt you ask him to come to YOUR city instead?
- if you dont understand that sleeping in his house/bed on your second meeting IS A MISTAKE, then you seriously need to learn about the GAME.
- what did you think was going to happen IN HIS BED? shouldnt you have been direct BEFOREHAND about what you were (or not) going to do?
- in the real world, you should always meet "strangers" in a public place FIRST, and confirm if they are who they claim to be online/phone. your mistake was to believe everything this foool was sending at you.

your upbringing has NOTHING to do with YOUR choice of men. you just go about it the wrong way.
allez chez un mec que tu connais à peine, en espérant qu'il soit le gentleman dont tu rêves depuis toujours, mdr!!!!!

@apache17, your assessment of me is very wrong, seriously. I'm not completely dependent on a man cos I have a life. So I don't choose a man based on his material status

@op, ur upbringing has got nothing to do with all that has happened to u, at least not the last one u described. U made a mistake by been the one going to visit the guy. And since u took the decision u shld hv knwn what the cost is (givin him to nack). Anyways, that is not to say the boy isn't a fool. He is one with a capital F.if he wasn't he shld hv knwn that u were probably staying the weekend and there was time to nack ur Akpako.sha u get luck he showed himself early to ur advantage, Just move on urs will come.

MRbrownJAY:

@poster
IMHO, you are to be blamed for all this shiit. here is why i feel this way:
- how can you judge someone from seeing them ONCE and then wasting 2 months contacting them on the phone?
- on what criteria did you assume that this guy was IT?
- why didnt you ask him to come to YOUR city instead?
- if you dont understand that sleeping in his house/bed on your second meeting IS A MISTAKE, then you seriously need to learn about the GAME.
- what did you think was going to happen IN HIS BED? shouldnt you have been direct BEFOREHAND about what you were (or not) going to do?
- in the real world, you should always meet "strangers" in a public place FIRST, and confirm if they are who they claim to be online/phone. your mistake was to believe everything this foool was sending at you.

your upbringing has NOTHING to do with YOUR choice of men. you just go about it the wrong way.
allez chez un mec que tu connais à peine, en espérant qu'il soit le gentleman dont tu rêves depuis toujours, mdr!!!!!  

Your points are noted, but you aren't completely right.
-in the real world, life isn't always black and white.
-I assumed he was "IT" cos of our conversations, he sounded so real and sincere.
-he couldn't visit me cos of his job schedule which I quite understood.

Truth is, I'm not bitter or anything. I learn from my mistakes and move on.

Dit-mot, quest-ce que je dois fait pour attirer un gentleman?

@ OP, much as i feel ur pains and sadness, i wouldn't want u to just give up on love just yet. Keep searching, u'll find it in the most unlikely of places. Goodluck.

@OP:
don't worry, the right man will come one day. Every Jerk you meet is one less to your soul mate.
Take care

Just hold on to your values, I am really sorry. Just want to ask you, if i can send you private mail or if u can to gabuchii@yahoo.com

wow!
Nice story.been in a similar situation.
Over the phone communications are so deceitful.
Babe,you sound just fine to me and good thing is,you were smart enough to let your head guide you at some point.
People do stuff for different reasons and sometimes,its just better not to wonder why they do it.men are just one funny specie on earth.
Be yourself,live your life as always and the right man will come along when you least expect it.
Goodluck!

Wow!!! Didn't expect all these support from Nairalanders. It goes a long way, thanks people

La Parisienne:

Your points are noted, but you aren't completely right.
-in the real world, life isn't always black and white.

yes you are right, life isnt black or white, but whatever color it is, YOU are the one who make it that way, via your actions

-I assumed he was "IT" cos of our conversations, he sounded so real and sincere.

so you really think you can judge someone by what/who they claim to be on the phone/online?!
i guess your first lesson in life will be to understand that people will pretend to be who you want them to be, just to get what they want from you. the fact that you believed every words he said is just a step back BUT, remember that it doesnt mean that every men lie, it just mean that you must confirm IN FLESH, whatever they claim FIRST.

btw: what is your beef? is it that he wanted to mount you OR that he threw you out in the morning when you didnt?

-he couldn't visit me cos of his job schedule which I quite understood.

then you SHOULD have waited until he had time to visit you, stay at a hotel or simply forget about such LDR.
he aint got time to come and see you so you went to him, to spend the night at his place. do you even realize how desperate it makes you look? you "acted" in a desperate manner, why would you even want to continue get to know him if he didnt have time for you?! the foundation of that r/ship were all wrong!!!!!!

Truth is, I'm not bitter or anything. I learn from my mistakes and move on.

and you should NOT be bitter, the joke is on HIM, not you.

Dit-moi, qu'est-ce que je dois faire pour attirer un gentleman?

tres simple: tu dois te comporter comme une LADY, comme une femme qui a de la classe.

btw: what is your beef? is it that he wanted to mount you OR that he threw you out in the morning when you didnt?

I don't have a beef with him.


then you SHOULD have waited until he had time to visit you, stay at a hotel or simply forget about such LDR.
he aint got time to come and see you so you went to him, to spend the night at his place. do you even realize how desperate it makes you look? you "acted" in a desperate manner, why would you even want to continue get to know him if he didnt have time for you?! the foundation of that r/ship were all wrong!!!!!!

I wasn't desperate, he persuaded me to visit him 2 months after we met.

tres simple: [b]tu dois te comporter comme une LADY, comme une femme qui a de la classe.[/b

[quote][/quote]

Tu est gentil, merci bien.

Some guys could woo you for a year just to see you unclad.

@La Parisienne

You seem well put together to me. And since you got other things going for you and the fact that you are still quite young I don't think should
bother too much about finding 'the one'. In due time he will come. Good luck.

BTW, What's your take on older men?

I am suprised no one has dropped his phone number yet. NLers but have repented

sexlog:

Some guys could woo you for a year just to see you unclad.

You are so right

Puvguy:

@La Parisienne

You seem well put together to me. And since you got other things going for you and the fact that you are still quite young I don't think should
bother too much about finding 'the one'. In due time he will come. Good luck.

BTW, What's your take on older men?

Thanks. About older men, I don't have a thing against them. I guess it depends on the person in question.
Ehm, but why did you ask?

Mynd_44:

I am suprised no one has dropped his phone number yet. NLers but have repented

Very funny. Guess it's crystal clear that I'm not desperately looking for a man. That explains why the jerks don't want to waste their time

Always bear in mind that we guys play the 'all is fair in lover and war' game.We can do anything,as long as we'll get wot we want.Wish u d best

Babe, you didn't just dodge a bullet, u dodged a bomb. If he was really serious to see you, he would have traveled down for that regardless of work or whatever. Anyway, there is nothing wrong with you. Always bear in mind that all which glitters isn't gold,

.

Gal move on and stay put. Real love is ard the corner.