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Stats: 1076381 members, 1264444 topics. Date: Wednesday, 19 June 2013 at 06:06 AM
|Re: Being Married To A Nigerian Is Hard Sometimes by armyofone(f): 4:59pm On Jan 23, 2012|
@Mutter, you are funny o. So Nig food is now the best of all? Not so true Mutter.
|Re: Being Married To A Nigerian Is Hard Sometimes by jay bee(m): 5:01pm On Jan 23, 2012|
Cultural differences playing out here.
If you love your husband and don't want this issue to put strain on your relationship then you have to learn how to endure as well as paying less attention to these differences.
|Re: Being Married To A Nigerian Is Hard Sometimes by Outstrip(f): 5:09pm On Jan 23, 2012|
Debrief I have to disagree with you. How can you say that she is making her mother in law work. It is every grand mothers joy to enjoy her grand children. If as you said she had never seen the kids before do you not think that that should be the more reason whys he should be super excited to be there. I am sure the OP was not planning on crossing her legs and dumping the children on the woman. You are insinuating that. if yoou truly believe that then how can you on the other hand say that maybe when the children cry that she might take the children and not let them bond. You cannot hit her on both sides. She is either a mother that wants the Grand mother to participate or one that does not want her to participate. She cannot be both.
Secondly she should not have to force the children to love their grandmother. Children can tell if someone is interested in them or not. It is that simple. My mom is very tough and she does not really see her grandkids a lot and when she finally came in all her excitement she realized that because of her toughness she was not bonding with the kids like she would want. She had to amend her ways. Mothers discipline. Grandmothers spoil. It has always been like that. It is the job of the grandmother to spoil their Grandchildren silly. You cannot tear my kids away from my mother now. Sometimes when they are together I even feel like an outsider. But grandma had to change for that to happen. I was nto going to force my children simply because she is my mom. I even knew that it would cause problems with the kids dad if she did not lighten up. She got it and now she is benefitting from it.
The woman was not born in Nigeria but she has made great strides to keep her family together. She even made enough sacrifices and had to leave her own family. It is a shame that her MIL does not care. She should have called her and said "don't feel like you do not have a mother because I will be your mother".
As for those acting like they don't know that this is the norm. I have to admit that I have seen this same behavior in many Nigerian parents and it has nothing to do with being Yoruba. In fact the worst one I know would insist on only name brand food stuff that she would take to the village and give to people to show off. Kroger and Walmart brand food where not good enough. Meanwhile her children are living paycheck to paycheck.
|Re: Being Married To A Nigerian Is Hard Sometimes by armyofone(f): 5:10pm On Jan 23, 2012|
debrief, a good MIL will not wait for you to ask her to do something before doing it.
OP, please do not let it bother you. talk to your husband let him know how you feel about mama recent trip. hopefully he will apologize on her behalf.
|Re: Being Married To A Nigerian Is Hard Sometimes by ronkebp(f): 5:48pm On Jan 23, 2012|
My own take on the matter is that both of them were giving each other attitudes.
|Re: Being Married To A Nigerian Is Hard Sometimes by lagcity(m): 6:02pm On Jan 23, 2012|
hmmm. why do i have this funny feeling that the poster is a cowardly eebo posing as turkish? chei! Igbo ppl, una don see una life? y do u have to descend so low?
|Re: Being Married To A Nigerian Is Hard Sometimes by dayokanu(m): 6:32pm On Jan 23, 2012|
Compared to your own family who disowned you, I still think your Husbands family are wonderful people
|Re: Being Married To A Nigerian Is Hard Sometimes by talknafree: 6:43pm On Jan 23, 2012|
From North to South, East to West, Muslim, Christian, or Pagan they all ONE AND THE SAME.
|Re: Being Married To A Nigerian Is Hard Sometimes by tlops(m): 6:44pm On Jan 23, 2012|
I dont know why people think he has a responsibility towards the mother, he should give to them if he has but not compromise the joy in his family. They live in UK and the wife is not Nigerian so all those dependent mentality doesn't exist there. Often couples put their household incomes together and allocate them to what their needs are. Marriage to a non-Nigerian is usually like partnership, where you cannot just give money to a cause that will not benefit you nuclear family.
It wont happen again if na me be the OP, she will not set foot in that house again. "Our culture" that is "so good" is what keep millions of Nigerian away from Nigeria.
|Re: Being Married To A Nigerian Is Hard Sometimes by kadarva: 6:56pm On Jan 23, 2012|
At the moment I'm just really angry at her. I took care of her for a whole month and all I'm getting back is poo.
I feel betrayed and used by this woman. Can u believe the day she got back to nigeria she phoned me and said: hi how are u? I said I'm fine. And then she said pls help me to check prices for d perfume I gave to her and she wants me to sent it. I know she doesn't like me. Next time she comes I will put my foot down!!!
|Re: Being Married To A Nigerian Is Hard Sometimes by dayokanu(m): 7:03pm On Jan 23, 2012|
Put your foot down? That might seem a way to break your marriage.
Your mother in law called you, When last have your people called your husband?
|Re: Being Married To A Nigerian Is Hard Sometimes by ronkebp(f): 7:03pm On Jan 23, 2012|
That is Nigerian mentality and it has been working for Nigerians from ''Adam'', if he has the money to assist his people, then big deal!!! if he doesn't is a different story, helping his family should not be an issue, especially when it is not at the detriment to the needs of the family.
|Re: Being Married To A Nigerian Is Hard Sometimes by armyofone(f): 7:10pm On Jan 23, 2012|
dayokanu, hope you didn't smoke anything today
like she cares. Heidi has dealt hers to your brother Seal.
the husband is mischievious. he should learn how to tell mama this is Kadarva's home so mama should get her acts together.
mother inlaw called her indeed!! mother inlaw did not call her but commanding Kadarva to buy her that scent
|Re: Being Married To A Nigerian Is Hard Sometimes by Idi-Amin(m): 7:12pm On Jan 23, 2012|
we africans take care of our parents in their old age, it is our custom and must be done. It's sad how some whites throw their parents into care homes and dont even visit them for months. In African it is the duty of children to take care of their ageing parents, and the poster must acknowledge this. However, there has to be barriers and we have to define 'take care of' and 'extortion/excessive dependence' and differenciate between the two. I also think only parents have the automatic priviledge to be 'taken care of', siblings, cousins, aunts and uncles who are grown ups and able bodied should be considered only if the person has excess and more than enough for himself, wife and children.
|Re: Being Married To A Nigerian Is Hard Sometimes by armyofone(f): 7:16pm On Jan 23, 2012|
dayokanu:hello my pickin, how you dey and how my grandpickins dey, i want thank you for carry me go market, for the food wey you cook.
thank you say you drive me go airport and sorry say i forget to greet you byebye. make you no vex. na stress of london cold cause am.
i wan ask you say that scent wey you buy give me, i like am and thank you. if you fit, abeg helep me send another one.
that's a call i expect to hear from mama who mess up her stay at my home
|Re: Being Married To A Nigerian Is Hard Sometimes by kadarva: 7:24pm On Jan 23, 2012|
For my husband to say: next time she somes the maximumm she can stay is 2 weeks. He doesn't want her to stay long as he knows she is useless. My kids have done nothing wrong. Why can't she play with them? My kids deserve better treatment. She even asked me if I knew girl so I can hook her other son in nigeria up. She said I don't like nigerian girls I want him to marry from here. All I was thinking this woman only thinks about ££££
|Re: Being Married To A Nigerian Is Hard Sometimes by agiboma(f): 7:29pm On Jan 23, 2012|
@ OP I'm Canadian married to a Nigerian man. Its certainly not easy seeing the family use so much of your resources and quit frankly i also found it annoying to have to support grown men that have more strength and energy than myself to work. That was my perception of the situation until i came to Nigeria and then it hit me how hopeless the society is, riddled with corruption. Honestly these family members see your husband as a light in the family perhapes their only hope of getting their hands on some funds. I got a question for you have you ever visited or lived in Nigeria? If you have then you would have a better understanding of the cultural dynamics the make up the Nigerian culture. Its hard to explain its better expereinced in person.
In regards to the MIL some people are just RUDE and she is one of them. You say you have a good relationship with your husband then you should talk to him, he will understand.
|Re: Being Married To A Nigerian Is Hard Sometimes by kadarva: 7:45pm On Jan 23, 2012|
@ agiboma. No I have never been but I would love to go. My husband hasn't been 10 years. His mum even said that she doesn't want us to come, She prefers to come to d uk. She said she want all her family to move to d uk and doesn't want any more grandchildren raised in nigeria. I'm a bit suspicious about her not wanting us to come. She said they live I a 1 bes but surely we can rent a hotel?
|Re: Being Married To A Nigerian Is Hard Sometimes by tit_squeez(m): 8:10pm On Jan 23, 2012|
when she called you regarding the perfumes why didnt u use that opportunity to have a chat with her. She may not be as bad as you think. There is even a possibility that she is probably scared of you hence the distance she kept. Some of our parents believe that foreign spouces can harm their children and therefore very careful how they deal with them
|Re: Being Married To A Nigerian Is Hard Sometimes by agiboma(f): 8:14pm On Jan 23, 2012|
Of course she wants to come to the UK if you been to this country you would understand why? Dont be in a hurry its nothing special! Save your money and go on a vacation that you would enjoy such as the caribbean etc. Im living here now with my husband and i miss Canada daily.
|Re: Being Married To A Nigerian Is Hard Sometimes by kadarva: 8:32pm On Jan 23, 2012|
She even said she wishes me and my husband get a 3 bedroom house. we live in a 2 bed. When she was here we gave her our master bed and the 4 of us were squeezed in my kids bedroom. With other words she wants to live with us.
|Re: Being Married To A Nigerian Is Hard Sometimes by 1forall(m): 8:48pm On Jan 23, 2012|
Don't even let that happen cos, it's an avoidable strain on your marriage. Not worth it. You just had a month long taste of what it can be like so FIX THIS WITH YOUR HUSBAND NOW.
And yes, maybe you should plan to visit Nigeria and see for yourself like someone suggested. I think it'll help.
Don't let it drag on. . FIX IT NOW.
|Re: Being Married To A Nigerian Is Hard Sometimes by emmatok: 10:36pm On Jan 23, 2012|
Now it shows you have issues with that women.
Look your family is not better, remember they rejected your Husband.
Let me tell you, without that MIL you won't get your husband.
Your MIL is hostile because she doesn't know your family, and never expected her son to marry a foreigner.
|Re: Being Married To A Nigerian Is Hard Sometimes by MsDarkSkin: 10:37pm On Jan 23, 2012|
|Re: Being Married To A Nigerian Is Hard Sometimes by emmatok: 10:39pm On Jan 23, 2012|
Is that racism or tribalism.
|Re: Being Married To A Nigerian Is Hard Sometimes by mpmp: 11:22pm On Jan 23, 2012|
I have a reply for every line of your statements. I am answering it as if you are the wife of my own brother and my mom came to visit you and my brother. Go grab a cup of tea, coz this is cold.
Its not easy being the wife of a Nigerian man, especially when you are not Nigerian, but you have to be wise, and learn to be a Nigerian - technically. Not to forget that you need to step up on your yoruba-ness.
I HAVE BEEN MARRIED TO A NIGERIAN MAN FOR NEARLY 8 YEARS (I AM TURKISH BUT BORN AND BRED IN BELGIUM) AND WE HAVE 2 LOVELY KIDS, WE ARE QUITE HAPPY TOGETHER AND LOVE EACH OTHER VERY MUCH
Congratulations. You are married to a Nigerian man and living in the UK; did we tell you to marry our son? it wasnt by force o. Who had the first crush? you or him. He told us he cound a baby girl and we said as long as she has 2-eyes, 2-legs, 2-hands and ears, go ahead. See, you can come and live with us in Nigeria when you're tired of the UK. We have a large compound, all our doors are always ajar. The only problem is we dont eat spaghetti here, so bring your food and call us when youre at the airport.
Love is blind o. Our son is black and Nigerian, no disrespect to the whites who are trying to be Nigerian. But you are our wife and even though you are white and turkish, but born and bred in Belgium, we think you are Nigerian like us - your family is the true face of the United nations. In Nigeria we are color blind. Love is love. As long as you love our son and our son loves you, tiwantiwa, please carry on.
HOWEVER I HAVE A COUPLE OF ISSUES WITH HIS FAMILY THAT LIVES IN NIGERIA, (WE LIVE IN THE UK) THEY ASK FOR MONEY TOO MUCH, THEY RELY ON MY HUSBAND TOO MUCH FOR MONEY AND I JUST CAN'T TAKE IT NO MORE
Couple of Issues? you mean couple of children? You mentioned "grandchildren", so I think you have children already. Which other issues are you looking for. Do you want more kids. Ask your husband, not us. We have enough issues already.
Maybe your husband is the only child, maybe not. But hes living in the UK. Your husband is the most successful child in our family - maybe or maybe not, or perhaps thats the way we see it. Thats why the expectation is very high. And since you guys are a mini-United nations, and living in the UK, nobody really wants to know if your husband has worked his socks totally off and is now working barefooted - all we are interested in is the fact that: OUR SON IS IN LONDON, AND HE IS MARRIED TO A TURKISH BELGIAN, A VERY BEAUTIFUL LADY. Whatever both of you are doing to survive doesnt really matter, as far as they are concerned.
What do you mean by too much money? we spend Euros and Pounds too in Nigeria. Do you know how much his father and his mom worked their clothes off to put him through his education. Now hes successful, up there, making all the money in the world, and you are telling us too much money? In Nigeria, it is the duty of the son to take care of his parents. If you never knew that, now you know. In Nigeria, we dont have old peoples home o, take note, so he has to take care of his parents and the rest of us. We our going to eat our sons food and drink his water until we enter the grave; and when we are dead, make sure you come with him and bury us.
I ONLY WORK PARTTIME AND MY HUSBAND WORKS 6 DAYS A WEEK, HE LITERIAL LY WORKS HIS SOCKS OF. WE HARDLY GET TO SEE EACH OTHER, WE HAVE GOT BILLS TO PAY AND ARE JUST MANGAGING OUR BILLS, WE HARDLY GO ON HOLIDAY AND ITS JUST NOT FAIR, ALL BECAUSE HE IS SUPPORTING GROWN UP PEOPLE
As long as you are working, thank God. Some people dont even have work. Socks off? at least he has socks that hes working with. Some other people dont have socks. Whatever both of you are doing to survive doesnt really matter, as far as they are concerned. Just keep on sending the money. Western Union, bank transfer. We are all one big family - remember.
Have we have never asked our son for money. We are not beggars and God wont make us one. Perhaps, some of the things we say make him remember that he was parents back home, thats why he sends us money. If you want to go on holiday, our house is open for you and your husband o.
HIS MUM WAS HERE A MONTH AGO AND IT WAS JUST A NIGHTMARE, I TOOK HER SHOPPING SOMETIMES AND SHE WOULD JUST PUT EVERYTHING IN TROLLEY AND IT GOT TO A POINT THAT MY HUSBAND STOPPED ME FROM SHOPPING WITH HER, I PAID FOR HER EYETEST AND GAVE HER A LOT OF CLOTHES AND MUCH MORE, IT WAS HER FIRST TIME IN THE UK AND SHE HAD NEVER SEEN HER GRANKDKIDS
SHE WASN'T EVEN EN INTERESTED TO PLAY WITH THEM THE ONLY THING SHE WANTED TO DO IS SIT DOWN AND WATCH NOLLYWOOD OR GO SHOPPING AND SPEND OUR MONEY, SHE WOULDN'T DO ANY HOUSEWORK OR COOKING EVEN THOUGH SHE KNOWS I DON'T KNOW HOW TO COOK NIGERIAN FOOD,
So Big-mommy came all the way from Nigeria and you expect her to be playing with her grandkids? are you kidding me? Are you the first set of people to live in London? One out of every 3-Nigerians has relatives in London, do you know that. Some Nigerians even get angry and just go to London. Did you really expect your Nigerian mother inlaw to come all the way from Nigeria and be doing housework or cooking in London? Insult upon injury. Maybe thats why she refused to play with your kids.
I said earlier, when you marry a Nigerian(male/female), you marry the entire family. So you dont know how to cook Nigerian food? what have you been feeding your husband - spaghetti? Please dont kill our son o. Is big-mommy supposed to start teaching you to cook Nigerian food after she arrived? you are supposed to have done your homework, aunty.
Word of Advise: you better go and take a crash couse on how to cook Nigerian food. Yoruba abi: pounded yam, Eba, Fufu, Amala, egunsi, ewedu, Eforiro. etc Madam, you have a lot of work to do o. This one that you said you havent gone on holiday, you havent even started.
You better start looking for Nigerian ladies in the UK, make friends with them, tell them that you want to learn to cook Nigerian food, coz that your mother-in-law will not look at you twice if she sees her son eating bread and macaroni everyday when shes around.
AND WHEN WE DROPPED HER OFF AT THE AIRPORT SHE DID NOT EVEN SAY GOODBYE TO ME AND THE KIDS, SHE JUST WALKED OF WITH MY HUSBAND AND SAID BYE WITHOUTH LOOKING AT US
The following are the reasons why your Nigerian mother in-law didnt say goodbye to you. And next time when she comes, dont bother greet her welcome unless you have changed. How?
1) go and learn how to cook at least 1-Nigerian food. Better still, ask your husband what she likes to eat. Take time to learn how to prepare it. You mother-inlaw will not mind that it doesnt taste as good as the one she eats in Nigeria, all she wants to see is that you are learning / taking steps towards being as Nigerian-wife cultured as possible. Nigerian mother in-laws dont eat burgers for dinner o. That is a crime of the highest order.
2) Go to Nigerian bazaars. Go and buy some Nigerian clothes. Dont bother about the wrapper. Get a buba (looks like a t-shirt). The next time your mother inlaw is around, wear one of them and see her reaction.
3) I bet you dont even know how to greet her good morning in the Yoruba language. No wonder she didnt greet you. My dear sister, Yorubas dont talk to strangers. So go and buy a notebook and start learning; good morning, good afternoon, good night, welcome, bye bye, - in Yoruba. It will make a difference when next your mother in law arrives.
4) In Yoruba land, it is insultive to greet your mother inlaw with a handshake. I bet thats what you did when you first met her. There is a way a younger woman must full-kneel or half-kneel when greeting an elderly person - in this case, your mother inlaw. Ask your husband about it, he will tell you how.
5) Are your kids of talking age? how did they greet grandma. Perhaps they tried to give their grandma a hi-5. That is very disrespectful, considering where your motherinlaw might have grown up in. You need to teach them some manners - Nigerian manners - which are only necessary when Nigerian relatives are around.
6) Please dont just cook and ask mama to come and eat. You need to ask her what she will eat and then you cook what she wants to eat. If you do your homework very well, you will be surprised at your success.
7) never expect her to finish dinner and start packing dishes. Its not her responsibility - Nigerian mother perspective. Do you know how far Nigeria and the UK is? besides, the whole village heard her when she said she was going to see HER SON IN THE UK? how do you expect her to come and be washing dishes. Lord God Almighty. Not that she doesnt know how to clean up and wash dishes, but she doesnt want to be told.
In Nigeria, when your mother in law finishes eating, you pack the dishes/plates. She might later join you in washing, but you need to make a first step at packing the empty plate off from in front of her. She would then smile and say YES, I GAT MYSELF A GOOD DAUGHTER INLAW. But if you finish eating and go and wash your own dish alone, you dont even pack your husband's dishes, you have unknowingly created an impression that you are rude, no wonder she wont talk to you. You should be happy she didnt lash out at you with words - she has either disliked you, is indifferent to you, or angry at her son for marrying you. Whichever be the case, you can still win her back.
Do you know what swagga means? You need some Nigerian wife Swagga. Start by mixing up with a few Nigerian ladies in the UK, learn the ropes and when you are confident, you can even call your mother inlaw and invite her for a visit.
Lastly, as the wife of a Nigerian man, you dont just go out and start buying things for your mother inlaw as if she was begging you to do so. there is no point in doing that, but also its usually appreciated if you ask her to give you something: for example, one of her Nigerian clothes. She will ask why. Tell her you want to be wearing it when shes gone. I bet she would 101% appreciate you more.
IS THIS NORMAL IN YORUBA CULTURE?
You need to learn it, read it, and try it out. Or perhaps still if you and your husband could holiday in Nigeria, you would see foreigners like you who are seriously flaunting the Nigerian wifey swagga in their words, appearance, gait and actions. I bet you would be jealous that you are surely missing something
|Re: Being Married To A Nigerian Is Hard Sometimes by mayoroflag(m): 11:29pm On Jan 23, 2012|
This is really complicated and remote
- the MIL is obviously over-demanding
- the husband cannot personally call his Mum to order
- op is irritated and is communicating her irritation in the way she relates with G-ma
Don't do the foot-downing! You need to help your husband see reason to read the riot act to your MIL. Somehow you will need her and you also need to initiate some interaction even if it amounts to undeserved deferring. Moderately though, try and understand your her motive beyond money demands.
Your husband needs to find a voice for himself and the family. If he draws the line your in-laws can only go so far,
But this MIL is an extreme case.
|Re: Being Married To A Nigerian Is Hard Sometimes by Sisi_Kill: 12:02am On Jan 24, 2012|
mpmp:What. . . the. . .fcccuk??!!
|Re: Being Married To A Nigerian Is Hard Sometimes by Lexoria: 12:09am On Jan 24, 2012|
Sendin money to ones family or relatives(less priviledged ones/ones in difficulty)is an african culture.If u marry from outside ur culture,u have to learn to cope with atleast some parts of d others values,I bet u that there are things that are perculiar to Turks's tradition or values that ur husband isn't fond of.Then the woman's rudeness might nt even be related to d fact that u are foreign but it might just be inborn.Ur mother in-law is even nice compared to mine and I'm full-fledge Nigerian.
|Re: Being Married To A Nigerian Is Hard Sometimes by Lexoria: 12:27am On Jan 24, 2012|
Listen to mpmp,he just gave u d best answer n advice.We the new generation youths are trying to put an end to a lot of these mentalities and culture but it will be around for a while cos it'll only fizzle out as most of d elders die off.Albeit,it won't be wiped off completely.
Goodluck to u.
|Re: Being Married To A Nigerian Is Hard Sometimes by kadarva: 1:32am On Jan 24, 2012|
@ mpmp I know how ti cook all nigerian food apart from the soups!!! I cooked,served the lady so teLl me why is she treating me that way? At home I always wear african gowns as I find them really comfortable.
I don't think I have mentioned this yet: I have got a daughter and an autistic son. My son needs attention all the time and he can be a handful. Its not easy at all. I'm not asking for sympathy here but put your self in my shoes. How would u feel? I never had any help from anyone.
|Re: Being Married To A Nigerian Is Hard Sometimes by kadarva: 1:45am On Jan 24, 2012|
And another example: my friend (nigerian) asked me to babysit so she could go to her hospital appointment withot having d stress of bringing her baby along. Ofcourse I said yes. My friend doesn't drive so I offered to pick d baby up. I told my mil this d day before and asked her if she could look after my children for 5 minutes whilst I quickly pick her baby up. She said that's fine.the next day About an hour before I was meant to pick up baby she went to bed. I did remind her I did morning.
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