I got married to a widower at the age of 23. he is a very wonderful man even has all my family were against the union because of his condition I still went ahead because I was madly in love with him. he has three children (one boy and two girls) and I have a very good relationship with them. we got married five years ago and after two years that I was unable to conceive we started seen a doctor. he was not going with me because according to him he already have children and that means he doesn't have any problem. I ment another doctor that insisted he must do test, he waited for another 6month before he went for the test. the result came out that he has low sperm count and low active sperm. the doctor adviced us to go for IVF but as we left there he told me the doctor doesn't know what he is taking about that low sperm count can be boosted. According to him, he later met another doctor that gave him drug and it worked. he went back to for the test in another lab and it was good. Going to 3years after this incident I'm not yet to be pregnant so he was asked to do the test again and it came out that his sperm count is still very low. I don't know what to do know as he can't definitely afford IVF and the fact that he has his own children make me to always think that my life is ruined.

You already have children, maybe you have not accepted them as your yet. If you were the one who couldnt have kids will you be happy if your husband is lamenting that his life is ruined? So many people are struggling to adopt, you have 3 kids already, enjoy them and enjoy your marriage. IVF is expensive and has a low success rate, your husband may need to be more caring but i will advice that you stop feeling like the world has ended. You have 3 lovely kids, wehn you married him they became yours, raise them as yours and move on, dont be bitter.

Debrief it's not easy to move on. You have been in a similar situation so you shouldn't tell her to move on. Infact there is no way she can move on. She treats her step kids like they were hers. She has a good relationship with them already so it is not about not accepting them.

A woman who wants her own biological kids, shouldn't be told to move on. She went into that marriage knowing fully well that he had kids and was willing to accept them as hers, I applaud her, cos for a 23 yr old to marry a widower when she has years ahead of her to look for a single no baby attached man is unbelievable.

She cannot move on, she has kids 3 wonderful STEP kids already, she wants her own kids.  She is bitter, yes and she has every right to be.

@Poster
How did your husband father 3 kids then?

CC her husband is not being nonchalant- he simply is scared of facing the option that those three kids may not be his biological kids.
Many women just go ahead and get their kids fathered else where.
It is possible he got a low Fluid count as a result of an infection afterwards but there is also a possibility the kids are not his.

People can write whatever they want here but the longing for a child can never be quenched.  DeBrief- being somewhat hypoc. here.
Besides you can never really love other children like your own. You can love them but not like your own.

My dear some people would advice you to pray, others to go discreetly and look for a Fluid donor outside (free of charge) the option is yours.

If i were the husband I would close an eye and let you fulfil your dream, he probably has three times already.

jennykadry:

Debrief it's not easy to move on. You have been in a similar situation so you shouldn't tell her to move on. Infact there is no way she can move on. She treats her step kids like they were hers. She has a good relationship with them already so it is not about not accepting them.

A woman who wants her own biological kids, shouldn't be told to move on. She went into that marriage knowing fully well that he had kids and was willing to accept them as hers, I applaud her, cos for a 23 yr old to marry a widower when she has years ahead of her to look for a single no baby attached man is unbelievable.

She cannot move on, she has kids 3 wonderful STEP kids already, she wants her own kids.  She is bitter, yes and she has every right to be.

@Poster
How did your husband father 3 kids then?

I know Jenny and it is based on my experience that i offered my advice. She said they cant afford IVF, IVF apart from being expensive has only a 30 % success rate, I had one, it was painful and heartbreaking.
If she was the one who couldnt concieve and the husband came for advice will i tell him to acceot the kids and move on? Yes, what alternatives dos she have? If they can afford IVF fine go for it, but if they cant make peace and be happy with the kids. Couples who dont have kids have adoption as an alternative, they already have kids she has adopted as thiers. She is fertile and he has low sperm count, that is the situation. The other alternative is to leave him or have an affair which I would never advice. Thats why I have adviced that she accept the kids and make her peace, maybe when they can afford IVF they try. If the only problem I had with my ex was his low sp3rm count i would not have left him, I would have stayed and even if IVF failed we would have adopted.
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I totally understand her pains and saying her life is ruined cos she is fertile and her husband is not is not helathy for thier marriage, if she couldnt have kids, wouldnt we advice the husband to accept her like that?

mutter:

CC her husband is not being nonchalant- he simply is scared of facing the option that those three kids may not be his biological kids.
Many women just go ahead and get their kids fathered else where.
It is possible he got a low Fluid count as a result of an infection afterwards but there is also a possibility the kids are not his.

People can write whatever they want here but the longing for a child can never be quenched.  DeBrief- being somewhat hypoc. here.
Besides you can never really love other children like your own. You can love them but not like your own.

My dear some people would advice you to pray, others to go discreetly and look for a Fluid donor outside (free of charge) the option is yours.

If i were the husband I would close an eye and let you fulfil your dream, he probably has three times already.

The kids might be his. Low sp3rm count can come as a man gets older, bad life style (like drinking and smoking excessivelly) or from a sexual transmitted infection, he may have had d kids when his sp3rm was still healthy. Lets not conclude that the kids are not his own

@all thanks. Jenny, my doctor told me that the sickness that leads to him having low sperm count might have started after he had the children, that was the reason for the test in the first instance. The problem is not with the children as they are very wonderful and can't even do without me. I really love them and I have never treated them like my step children but I still want to have my own children.

okz8:

@all thanks. Jenny, my doctor told me that the sickness that leads to him having low Fluid count might have started after he had the children, that was the reason for the test in the first instance. The problem is not with the children as they are very wonderful and can't even do without me. I really love them and I have never treated them like my step children but I still want to have my own children.

I understand dear, but this is the reality you face, I cant imagine the feeling of missing out in the joy of motherhood, but right now, forget that and focus on your kids. Who knows, God works in mysterious ways. Put yoursef in your husbands shoes, what if you were the one with the problem and he didnt have kids? What would you expect from him? Love, support and care ko? He must feel very bad for not being able to give you kids, please just try to cheer up and raise your kids, God can suprise you with funds for IVF or even a natural conception. Its not the end of life my sister.

okz8:

@all thanks. Jenny, my doctor told me that the sickness that leads to him having low Fluid count might have started after he had the children, that was the reason for the test in the first instance. The problem is not with the children as they are very wonderful and can't even do without me. I really love them and I have never treated them like my step children but I still want to have my own children.

Awww, these are maternal instinctive feelings! Nothing wrong in having them.

Try saving for the IVF and continue to liaise with a fertility expert, there is always a solution!

Mutter, am not being a hypocrte oh, I didnt leave cos we didnt have kids. I left for other reasons. We could afford IVF, tried it and it failed but i was still willing to stay and try other options, including adoption. I know the maternal instinct and I am being honest. In cases like this its IVF or adoption, I will never advice her to go and have kids from another man or leave her husband cos he cant have kids. Just like I would never advice a man to do that to his wife, They cant afford IVF, they dont need to adopt, what should i tell her? to go on crying that her life is ruined cos she her husband has LSC.
My oppinion comes from being in that position.

chaircover:

Debrief I think that you are missing the bit where the poster said that iniotially her husband refused to go for any test beacuse he couldnt have a problem because he had already sired three children.

That speaks volumes and that will put a bad taste in any womans mouth. That was unfair and that was insensitive to say the least.

Your argument is that if she was the one with the problem, how would her husband react? Well we have already seen it; He immediately washed his hands off her & blamed her for the delay.

Now it transpires that he is the one with the problem. So she has every reason to be upset and feel hard done by.

That husband owes it to this woman to beg borrow but not steal to fund that IVF cycle 30% success rate or not.

She wants to carry her own biological baby in her arms and no one can begrudge her that.

Many 23 year olds of today would have chopped the mans money, cleaned mouth and run away and not be saddled with not one, not two but three kids.

I agree. I am not saying they should not try oh, am saying her life is not ruined. Its a bad mentality to have when trying to concieve. God can always provide a miracle in funds or in conception, she should have an open mind and not the mentality of a ruined life, there are alternatives.

Amen Debrief, may God work through you, when do we start donating,

mutter:


My dear some people would advice you to pray, others to go discreetly and look for a Fluid donor outside (free of charge) the option is yours.

If i were the husband I would close an eye and let you fulfil your dream, he probably has three times already.

What happened to for better for worse

lol @ the close eye bit!!

mutter:

Amen Debrief, may God work through you, when do we start donating,

Lol. You never know madam, God works in mysterious ways. I know what it means to long for a child and getting in dis state of mind where you start to think you are ruined cos you dont have a child is dangerous, it can lead to so many bad decsions. So many people came to me with different oppinions, Have an affair, do one of those fake surrogacy births, go visit a herbalist, etc, i had to stand strong and say no, I was even more desperate cos I thought a child will heal our issues.
So all am asking the poster to do is in as mucha s she is sad she should calm down and not see this as something impossible. IVF is even going down in cost. Her life is not ruined, she needs to be calm and cheerful to have a conducive atmosphere to concieve, naturally or by IVF

You know the feeling!! The tears each month when the flow begins after you must have dug your hands up there a million times to see if it started.
Sorry but it is hard to calm someone on this issue.
You are saying it because it is the only advise one can give and does give.
You did not succumb, but sooner or later you might have, if you remained in the marriage.

dare2think
for better for worse
not for best for worst and certainly not for better for hell.

okz8:

@all thanks. Jenny, my doctor told me that the sickness that leads to him having low Fluid count might have started after he had the children, that was the reason for the test in the first instance. The problem is not with the children as they are very wonderful and can't even do without me. I really love them and I have never treated them like my step children but I still want to have my own children.

I don't know you, but I got a bit teary after reading this.

Don't worry if you believe God can do it go to any bible believing church of God(Altar) tender you request with convenant with God He will do it for you in Jesus name.

mutter:

You know the feeling!! The tears each month when the flow begins after you must have dug your hands up there a million times to see if it started.

Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!

(lol)

mutter:

dare2think
for better for worse
not for best for worst and certainly not for better for hell.

Sure, but it aint right to insinuate infidelity you know. Don't start giving the woman ideas!
It will only make matters worse!

From childless to husbandless

He must feel very bad for not being able to give you kids, please just try to cheer up and raise your kids, God can suprise you with funds for IVF or even a natural conception. [img]http://www.demama.info/g.php[/img]

I don't have any advice just words of encouragement. Continue to be strong. I pray that God hears your prayers. Amen.

Will you and your husband consider artificial insemination with donor sp.erm? Or do you want he alone as the biological father? If the only problem is his low sp.erm count, then this would be a cheaper option than IVF. This way you don’t need to help yourself to another man for the sp.erm donation.

you have 3kids already in as much as i understand that you want to personally have yours  just take things easy

How much does IVF cost and how is it done? Just asking because so much has been said about it here,

mutter:

You know the feeling!! The tears each month when the flow begins after you must have dug your hands up there a million times to see if it started.
Sorry but it is hard to calm someone on this issue.
You are saying it because it is the only advise one can give and does give.
You did not succumb, but sooner or later you might have, if you remained in the marriage.

Mutter, I gave my oppinion you gave yours, I hate it when people try to malign another person cos he or she has a different view. No Mutter, i would never have succumed to cheating no matter the condition, yes i saw that blood every day for 3 years and yes it hurt but I would never have cheated. I would have tried alternative means like I already was doing and if that failed we would have adopted. I will never go out of my way to hurt any one just so I can become a mother.
I have adviced the Poster from my own experience you dont have to like it but please dont attack my personality, please dont tell me what and what I wouldnt have done, I would never cheat on my husband no matter what he did to me and I would never advice any woman to cheat too. Stick to the topic , differ in suggestion but please dont attack me, I have done nothing to you

Gift4all:

How much does IVF cost and how is it done? Just asking because so much has been said about it here,

It cost N700k when we did mine. It involves taking an egg from the woman and healthy sp3rm from the man and fertilising it, when its fertilised it is injected into the woman, if successful, then the baby grows, when unsuccessful the woman bleeds it out

debrief, I did not in anyway attack you personality and as you did write, I have a right to my opinion, even if it is about you.
Besides succumbing was referring to all options not just cheating.

Your husband needs to work hard so that you have a child or you will become unhappy
That will lead to unhappy marriage
I hope the lord grant you your wish. Your husband need to be smart about things
Best of luck

mutter:

debrief, I did not in anyway attack you personality and as you did write, I have a right to my opinion, even if it is about you.
Besides succumbing was referring to all options not just cheating.

I clearly stated that there are options but she musnt work herself into depression. I cant stop you if you feel you are right to attack my person and not my oppinion, I can only tell you I dont find it nice. i have made my point feel free to attack me if it pleases you

mutter:

debrief, I did not in anyway attack you personality and as you did write, I have a right to my opinion, even if it is about you.
Besides succumbing was referring to all options not just cheating.

debrief08:

I clearly stated that there are options but she musnt work herself into depression. I cant stop you if you feel you are right to attack my person and not my oppinion, I can only tell you I dont find it nice. i have made my point feel free to attack me if it pleases you

Ladies, ladies this is only a simple mis-understanding!

@Mutter- You have a right to state your opinion, but pls remember that debrief no be wood! as you are referencing some not-so-nice history of hers she is bound to react in a way! Besides not everyone likes being reminded of a not-so-nice past.

@Debrief- Am sure Mutter's intent is not to attack you, but to draw some comparisons between both situations in relation to how you handled yours.

Oya, both of you kiss and make up now

Besides, the op does not need the deviation as both of you have already contributed constructively to her predicament. Dont add to her confusion