The other day, I was opportuned to witness a very interesting conversation/debate.

A woman (who for confidentiality's sake will have to go by the name of Mrs. Ohimwe) was sitting among a group of other adults and proudly said that by the time she would reach retirement age, she would permanently move into her daughter's home. The other people laughed and told her that it won't be so easy. They told her that it is never good for an a parent to live in the matrimonial home of a child for an extended period of time since it is bound to cause problems. Mrs. Ohimwe then said that it isn't true. She said that the bond between parent and child is very strong and that her daughter will take care of her.

The other people laughed. They then said that any retiree must not depend on their children for sustenance (especially if they live in America) since they will find his/her prolonged stay as a nuisance. They said that any retiree must make adequate provisions for retirement such as a building oneself a comfortable house and etc. Mrs. Ohimwe objected! She said that she took care of her own mother for such a long time and would never dare to abandon her since she made her who she is. She then went on to say that her mother gave her the money to start her business which made her the first woman in all of Biniland to own a palmoil mill and that if not for her mother she wouldn't be who she is today.

As I expected, the others laughed and said that her children will ship her off to a nursing home if she decides to live with them forever since she will demand content care, attention, and supervision. Mrs. Ohimwe rejected it saying "God forbid" ( ) and snapping her fingers she said that at retirement she would sell all of her possessions in Nigeria and would move into her daughter's house with her daughter and her future son-in-law.

Lastly, she ended by saying, "Before any man asks for my daughters hand in marriage, I will ask him, are you ready to take care of me when the time comes?"

I'd like to ask you guys, will you allow your parents to move into your home with you permanently? And do you think taking care of one's parents is exclusive to 'Nigerian culture' or would you prefer a nursing home to do it for you?

Personally, I think taking care of one's parents is embedded in our culture. It's our duty to take care of our parents and, in this case, I support Mrs. Ohimwe.

I'd like to hear what you guys think about this and your opinion on the differences In parental duty in Western vs. African culture.

I hope this doesn't become another diaspora Vs Naija argument since we don't have nursing home in Naija.

Culturally, Africans like(or atleast used to) communal life, hence the concept of taking care of aged parent
is inherent in different part of Africa, the same way most of us lived with our parents till we can build our
own house. But, 'open eye', class distinction, evolution/gene mutation have turned many parents 'control freaks'
such that many children can't wait to break off from the parents. For such children, the idea of parents living
with them at old age is a 'daylight nightmare'.

For me, YES, taking care of my parents and parents-in-law is my responsibility. At least my parent even when they
are presently living on their income respect my opinion and decisions(my parent in-law? Don't know yet). So, giving
my parent a flat next to mine is what I'm planning.
As humans, our aged parents are our responsibilities. If U suspect they may still dictate what you do, they can live
in their house while U see them daily and cater for all their needs financially.

Taking care of my aged parents is my responsibility. They don't have to move into my home though. I will provide all the necessary support for them. Money, a decent house and a paid help(s).

If the woman wants her daughters marriage to last she should not move in permanently with her daughter. She may visit them but moving in with them (especially if they do not have a granny flat for her) may be too much for her son in law to handle.

What usually happens if the wife or husbands relative moves in with a couple is that a normal wife/husband argument that in times past was a minor thing will suddenly turn to civil war because with the mother in law in the same house with them the wife does not want to lose face and the husband wants to stand his ground as well thereby escalating the a minor argument into a major one just because there is a THIRD PARTY in the house.

Times have changed and the cement that held marriages together 40 years ago is no longer available in todays world and there is no point subjecting todays increasingly fragile marriages to strains that they can not withstand.

Yeah I have no problems doing this.

They took care of me, so only fair to reciprocate..

If you want to put her in a nursing home, you might as well let her stay home, hire a nurse to look atfer her at home.

TBH, I dont want my parents living permanently with me in my marital home. Not good for a good marriage.

PERMANENTLY? sincerely NO!!

Ileke-IdI:
If you want to put her in a nursing home, you might as well let her stay home, hire a nurse to look atfer her at home.

Nursing home is a lot cheaper than your proposal, no?

I would provide everything they need to take care of themselves but I wont encourage them to come live with me.

Moreover the cold and boredom of America wont work well with my parents.

How would it be if your 2 parents came and also your wives two parents in the same house

Cos if you bring in your parents, your wife too has the right to bring hers too

dayokanu:
Cos if you bring in your parents, your wife too has the right to bring hers too

damn that would suck lol

i wouldn't mind my parents, but would feel uncomfortable having someone else's living with me..

ekt_bear:

damn that would suck lol

i wouldn't mind my parents, but would feel uncomfortable having someone else's living with me..

Your wife too would/might say the same thing.

So best solution either both have a right no come stay or NONE

yeah maybe the best thing is your parents living nearby, not in the same house.

[color=#000099][/color]it a gr8 responsibility 2 take good care of ones parent...especailly if u undastand wat it takes 2 stl have dem by ur syd....bt taking care of dem dos nt me dey sud/will live wit u 4ever....NEVER..bt if i have d opportunity 2 stl have my mum back....i will take care of her wit my life....TAKE GOOD CARE OF UR PARENT WHILE U STL CAN :oit a gr8 responsibility 2 take good care of ones parent...especailly if u undastand wat it takes 2 stl have dem by ur syd....bt taking care of dem dos nt me dey sud/will live wit u 4ever....NEVER..bt if i have d opportunity 2 stl have my mum back....i will take care of her wit my life....TAKE GOOD CARE OF UR PARENT WHILE U STL CAN

The thing is, nowadays, how many people in that age group are depending on their kids to take care of them?

My parents are not. They have their own money and to my knowledge well-funded retirement plan independent of what I do.

Even my dad's father wasn't really dependent on his kids.

Most people have pensions, property, things like that, no?

Absolutely my responsiblility. I am not stupid to dumb my mother into a nursing home. Absolutely nothing, and I mean NOTHING will make me not want to look after my mom when she grow old. Even if that means cutting out on my job and social life. What my mother have done/and is doing for me can not even compare so why not? If I don't do it, one of my brothers or sisters will do it anyway so no bluffing in my family when it comes to that. Infact in my culture and tradition, thats how it is, we look after our parents when they are old no need for debate.

rokiatu: Absolutely my responsiblility. I am not stupid to dumb my mother into a nursing home. Absolutely nothing, and I mean NOTHING will make me not want to look after my mom when she grow old. Even if that means cutting out on my job and social life. What my mother have done/and is doing for me can not even compare so why not? If I don't do it, one of my brothers or sisters will do it anyway so no bluffing in my family when it comes to that. Infact in my culture and tradition, thats how it is, we look after our parents when they are old no need for debate.

So if you take in your mom would you take in your dad also or leave him in the village?

Ok In case you take your parents, Is your husband allowed to bring his own two parents too?

dayokanu:

So if you take in your mom would you take in your dad also or leave him in the village?

Ok In case you take your parents, Is your husband allowed to bring his own two parents too?

My dad is dead. My husband can if he wants to.

Btw why are we assuming that the parents would even want to live with us?

rokiatu:

My dad is dead. My husband can if he wants to.

Sorry about your dad. So if your husband brings his two that means 3 elderly ppl in the house.


Would you be able to moan in your bedroom knowing your mom might be overhearing her innocent daughter making those obscene sounds and asking for more

ekt_bear: Btw why are we assuming that the parents would even want to live with us?

My dad would NEVER want to stay with any child for long, He is too proud to do that.

My mom would come to visit often but doubt she would want to stay. She is too active and sitting down in America watching TV all day in these cold would make her age faster. So I doubt she would

dayokanu:
Would you be able to moan in your bedroom knowing your mom might be overhearing her innocent daughter making those obscene sounds and asking for more

dayokanu:

Sorry about your dad. So if your husband brings his two that means 3 elderly ppl in the house.


Would you be able to moan in your bedroom knowing your mom might be overhearing her innocent daughter making those obscene sounds and asking for more

You are very stupid, I am out of here LOL

If we do not take care of our aged parents,who will?

Ilekokonit: If the woman wants her daughters marriage to last she should not move in permanently with her daughter. She may visit them but moving in with them (especially if they do not have a granny flat for her) may be too much for her son in law to handle.

What usually happens if the wife or husbands relative moves in with a couple is that a normal wife/husband argument that in times past was a minor thing will suddenly turn to civil war because with the mother in law in the same house with them the wife does not want to lose face and the husband wants to stand his ground as well thereby escalating the a minor argument into a major one just because there is a THIRD PARTY in the house.

Times have changed and the cement that held marriages together 40 years ago is no longer available in todays world and there is no point subjecting todays increasingly fragile marriages to strains that they can not withstand.

After this post "Mr. Moderator" why did u not close this topic? Every single truth has been said on this topic by Ilekokonit. Goodmorning!

dayokanu:



Would you be able to moan in your bedroom knowing your mom might be overhearing her innocent daughter making those obscene sounds and asking for more

Terrible

MEN IF MAMA SELL ALL HER PROPERTIES AND THE BAR MAKE SENSE, NA ME GO PERSONALLY GO BRING MAMA COME MY CRIB.

odumchi: Personally, I think taking care of one's parents is embedded in our culture. It's our duty to take care of our parents and, in this case, I support Mrs. Ohimwe.

I'd like to hear what you guys think about this and your opinion on the differences In parental duty in Western vs. African culture.

Supported

rokiatu:

My dad is dead. My husband can if he wants to.

d truth is most fathers will nt want to live in their children's houses.its always mothers that seek such comfort.i will welcome my parents nd parents-inlaw anyday for visitation for any period of time but won't buy d idea of staying permanently bt will take care nd cater for them wherever they are.

In fact, as Africans,it is our responsibility to take care of our aged ones at old age. In African culture, we lived with our parents at least 20 yrs and above. In some homes, you see grown ups staying with their parents till even 40yrs. In civilized societies like America, once on is18yrs, you are already an adult and should be able to get an apartment to yourself.

In our culture, we depend on our parents for everything and take it as their responsibility even when we are adults and as such, must be ready to cater for them when they are old. The idea of having them move in with their daughter's in-laws is not the best as this might collapse the marriage as most of our mothers don't know their boundaries.They still see their daughter's as infants even when they are old.

No marriage/relationship is perfect as their are no two perfect people on the face of the earth. Therefore a line must be drawn the way we handle marriages here. Most mother inlaws are marriage breakers. Taking care of them does not include bring them to stay or live with you for the rest of their lives. Rather, provide for their up-keep at all times whenever they need you. Pay them visit from time to time. You can get a house help to stay with them. She can visit you from time to time to have change of environment. Do not deny them access to you but let their stay not exceed more than expected. There are some mother inlaws who are loving and knows when to and when not to.

Like in America,they care less about their children as it is the responsibility of their government for their citizenry. For we Nigerians,our government has no hands in our upbringing rather to see you die before adulthood. It is the sole responsibility of our parents hence we should be their keeper at old age..

Ilekokonit: If the woman wants her daughters marriage to last she should not move in permanently with her daughter. She may visit them but moving in with them (especially if they do not have a granny flat for her) may be too much for her son in law to handle.

What usually happens if the wife or husbands relative moves in with a couple is that a normal wife/husband argument that in times past was a minor thing will suddenly turn to civil war because with the mother in law in the same house with them the wife does not want to lose face and the husband wants to stand his ground as well thereby escalating the a minor argument into a major one just because there is a THIRD PARTY in the house.

Times have changed and the cement that held marriages together 40 years ago is no longer available in todays world and there is no point subjecting todays increasingly fragile marriages to strains that they can not withstand.

I love the point made here, But the thing still remains that they are your parents they still need to come around. if you can afford to build a house where they can have their own quarters and you get someone to take care of them that would be great.. More so, If the wife decides to bring her own parents because of the husbands actions then she is trying to make trouble as that might not work.. Imagine two parents living together.. The wife is not be expected to make such move only if the wife never agreed that the husbands parent should come the first place.. That's were understanding and communication comes in..

@Saka,There are nursing homes in Nigeria.The fact that it seems folks don't patronise them does not mean they don't exist.

@Topic,My parents(well,one as the other is late) and my PIL's are me and my husbands responsibilities when they get old.I and my husband are both eldest kids and only boy and girl respectively so we are already prepared for the task ahead.

My mom and my PIL's don't actually have to live with us before we take care of them.Visiting for short periods,getting them a permanent care giver,having them actively involved in whatever hobby they like,taking your kids to them for vacation and having them go for vacations are some of the plans we have for them when the right time comes.

My mom can't even stay with me for more than 3 months at a strech.she says she misses her church and evangelism plus "our night noise" that probably gets her prayers stranded at the rooftop. . .lolz