my name is David Wilson, this is probably my first real attempt at writing....

Let me know what you tihink when you read this excepts...its un edited pls.

He was siting on his office table on the fifth floor of the Amazon biulding , and over looking the large pane windows is the expansive view of the tinapa resort, the gray silihoute on evening sky, a constant remainder of the looming let down from the heavens and as they, God was about to cry. He wondered, as he chewed on his cigarette stick, what was about to make the almighty cry today. The alarm on his device startled him, for the uptheen time and for the uptheen time he pressed the snooze button. The meeting of the 10 wise men was scheduled for 5pm, he was the wisest man, and was 45 minutes late for a meeting he had surmoned, yet he felt the nine would have to wait. Nothing, not even what he viewed as his political steping stone was more important like his daily question and answer session with the almighty. Today, one question above all needed immediate attention. "who amongst the nine was the judas?" 'who could he trust and who couldn't he trust?' this was the ultimate question that needed the almighty prompt answer.
Linus Ekpelle Okah, the grand son and heir to the throne of the Okah dynasty was a renowed etheist and a strong critic of the theological school of thought advocating the theory of the Almighty hand in human endeavours. All his life he had taken to mocking god by asking him questions about issues that confronted him, and all the time never really expecting the Almighty as he called him to answer, because he the almighty was just a fiction of the immagination of unfirtunately one quarter of the earth's population. And today again, as in many of mockery sessions with the almighty, there was no answer from the almighty. Linus smiled and heaved a heavy sighed.

'what a fallacy you are?' he cursed under his breath. 'i hear you speak in whispers, i wish you could be more audible, my friend'
The alarm started singing again goading the man into action. He slaped an immaginary speck of dust of his paul smith throusers and stood to his full six feet, five,just as his phone rang. He pressed the green key twice, once to receive and twice to activate the loudspeaker on the blackbeery Gemmini,

'Yes' he croaked.
'the nine are waiting sir' it was the voice of his protocol officer one.
'are the convoy ready, jane?
'yes, your honour, awaiting your orders sir' the female voice responded with a high sense of professionality.
'Good, put a call to stephanie and tell her i wont be back until midnight, she shouldn't wait up for me, alright and come get my stuff, we have an election to win'. He droped the call and smiled triumphantly, this last phrase had become his favourite last words during conversations ever since he formally declared his intrntion to vie for the gubernatorial seat of the oil rich state three weeks ago. He swaggered aimlessly to the twelve feet tall glaass panes that formed the west section of his magnificient office, another stick of malboro had replaced the last one. He inhaled deeply, sighed and then exhaled a curly fume into the air, watching as though in a trance as the fumes dispersed in no particular pattern. He wondered if the almighty had any thing to do with that also. A door open behind him and he turned sharply both because he was naturaly an agile dude and also because his sense of security had also heightened a notch further in the last three months. Two smartly dressed gentlemen lead by his ever delectable chief of protocol, Jane akpan filed into the room, the two men wiating by the door. She threw a thunderous smile at him while graping for his jacket. He turned to allow her sliped it on over his shoulders.
' looks like the heavens are angry' he said to no one in particular as he adjusted his jacket. Stan and Etimo kept their place by the door. They were his most priced security detail. He did not go anywhere, they couldn't go along, if they said go, he'd go and if they said don't, he wouldn't. This two men where like they say, his last line of defence. Just as jane picked the suitcase on the table and the three mobile phones with it, someone sneezed as if he was signaling that it was time to exit the office. It was Etimo.

I'd say i see a good writer in the making. You've got an interesting story here, lines like 'he wondered...what was about to make the almighty cry today' depict your natural talent.


However, you need to put in some extra effort. You describe your scenes too hurriedly,as if you find the job uncomfortable 'he was sitting on his office table...,and you haven't taken the time to spell or paragraph well.

Presentation matters a lot,and your work shouldn't look like you are just dumping it on the audience. You've written a nice story,but atleast you've got to partially edit before posting.

@ Breathing n Camgal, i'm so really honoured and humbled at d same time. True, i hurry a little bit when painting my scenes and have taken note of ur highly esteemed contributions. Would realy luv for us to do this more often. Maybe we shd meet in any of d social netwrks, fb, B8 Chat or 2go.

@OP, good take on writing, but try working on the points observed by the previous posters. meanwhile, I want to use this opportunity to invite you & every other young writer or aspiring writer in literary works of Nigerian origin, residing in Nigeria or abroad, to come & join this new club I initiated, it is called: Naija Young Writers Club, and the mission is to unite all aspiring and established youth writers in Nigeria to help us all achieve our dreams of becoming successful & renowned published authors in literary works. To that effect, we will be holding meetings, seminars, and also we will be doing joint critics amongst members to help each member grow & become polished in his/her writings. We will also go as far as doing joint publishing of our works, for instance, publishing an anthology of our own short stories, written by members, and jointly promoting it both on media, internet and everywhere. we will also be giving grants and assistances to members who have produced good manuscripts but have no money to fund their work, plus plenty other things, meanwhile, all aspiring and established young (18 to 40) Nigerian writers home or abroad, pls kindly come & join us & lets make a difference. Pls navigate through the literature or romance sections of this forum & u would see: Naija Young Writers Club- Join Now!, and kindly indicate your interest and by dropping your email for further communications. Thank u guys. u can as well email me at: dailyy.newss@gmail.com, by indicating your interest in the writers club.

However, you need to put in some extra effort. You describe your scenes too hurriedly,as if you find the job uncomfortable 'he was sitting on his office table...,and you haven't taken the time to spell or paragraph well.[img]http://www.keyforex.info/Hardware.gif[/img]

thumb's up...good for a first attempt. work more on it

I like the story line and character description. You have done well to create the character. What however needs work is your scenes like most have said and also your sentenses and word structure. Selecting or knowing the right words to use and how to create well structured sentenses would make your writing much better. All the same, very nice intro to the story.

camgal: You are very welcome @ Whiteguru. @ dailynews and every other poster I just launched my Book the blog diaries and would appreciate it if you could take the time to check it out on http:///7GZJd. Thank you so much and good luck to you whiteguru in all your future endeavours. If you like the book, you can follow me via emails for updates ;Dthanks

sorry the page you are looking for does not exist!

Where did you say we could find the book again

@cambal. Your page is invalid

Dat was cute. U guys r realy uplifting my spirit. Thumps up. Grab d corrections made. @dailynews, wen r we kicking off?

Your intro was a bit confusing, your punctuations, paragraphing have been addressed by others.
Some of your phrases need to be well thought out, for example you wrote 'he slapped a speck of imaginary dust' or something like that...No one slaps dust even more so when it's imaginary...you only flick a speck of dust...
As I said, your story was a bit confusing...remember to write for your audience and not for yourself...
I would suggest you join NaijaStories...your writing will definitely improve...goodluck to you and I wish you the best!