Nairalanders, i have some questions oh. I am getting married in August..............my fiance and i are both working, but the house where he is staying now is having some problems, and might fall soon, so the landlord told them all to evacuate so he can renovate. (The rent was expiring in September anyway) My fiance then decided to use part of the money for the wedding to rent a new house for us. The problem now is, after renting the house, he had to do renovations etc, and now the wedding for the money is almost finished to about 20% left. he is now saying shebi i also have money that i should make up the remaining 80%. Please nairalanders what do you think? Is a woman supposed to pay the bulk money for the wedding?



Afterall what plans did he have for rent after the wedding? I told him to borrow money he said no.

....at least you know what he used his own part of the money for...
Its towards both your comfort after the wedding!
If you can afford it and he's worth it,then do and stop wondering about what's okay of not!don't be SELFISH!
Or betterstill postpone the wedding until he saves up enough money for the wedding and hope he hasnt changed his mind about marrying you by that time!

A woman shouldn't but your situation is unique in the sense that your fiance choose to provide stability for you going forward rather than spending all the money he doesn't have on a single day.
You should spend the money if you have it and if you aren't comfortable with that idea then you both should look at the option of doing a very small wedding

Btw: couples should always view money as OUR money

Seriously, if I were you, we are reviewing the wedding list now. There is no money so all unnecessary frivolities in that wedding programme would be cancelled.

Back to your question, I didn't contribute because he had but my advise to you is this, if you have, contribute though not necessarily the said 80%, tell your husband that you guys would have to cut your coat according to cloth so you both go through your wedding itinerary and strike out unnecessary stuff.

Do not borrow, I repeat oh, don't borrow money for a wedding. Another sisterly advice, please don't start making babies immediately.take your time to get back on your feet financialy .

Congrats and happy married life in advance.

There is something behind this question...i feel something is not right somewhere.I mean if it is worth it why hesitate?

But if this question is coming from the mentality that only men should pay the wedding bills,then you are in for a big trouble.And this is one of the reasons why some men resent their ladies when they make it.

If it is not worth it, just take a walk.And if he is a good man,teach him how to ask for help instead of misinterpreting his statement.If you guys can not communicate,and at this stage u are coming to NL,then something is wrong..just saying.

Aren't you both going to live in the house he rented? Aren't you both planning to build your lives together? So you want to hold-on to your own money but want your husband to go borrow money for your wedding? You're coming across as a selfish and wicked woman; I feel sorry for your husband-to-be. This same woman will run-up here crying if the husband starts to treat her anyhow once he starts making the big bucks! Why won't he? You weren't willing to share the burden when things were down and now that things are up you want to come and feast on honey?! Some women are just tiresome beasts.

PS - I have never heard this claim that the man pays for all of the wedding (except the wife has absolutely no money of her own). In the US, the bride and the groom both contribute in proportion to their incomes. Or is this "man pays for everything" an Igbo thing?

chaircover:

He could have said "Sweetheart, we have a problem. You know how much I love you and so much look forward to getting married to you in August, but this accommodation problem has exhausted all my funds. I know that this is not the norm and it is my responsibility to provide for this wedding, however is there any way that you can help me financially please. I will really appreciate it. See it as a loan and I will return it as soon as I am in a position to.

Like seriously?

I dont know any woman that will be happy that she paid for her own wedding, however you are very aware of your husband's situation so you should support each other. I also wont be suprised if most of the frivolities come from your end as most of us carry that mentality its my day, so simply cut it down. I can never understand why a wedding should cost so much when people have so little and are just starting out their lives it simply does not make any sense. Now if you have enough to throw around by all means have a big party but if you have little why waste it on guests who wont be around when you and hubby start fighting over money.

The problem with paying 80% for your wedding is you may keep rubbing it in your hubby's face. Please if you know you are this kind of person don't do it otherwise you may resent your hubby for a long while. Since money is the issue cut down all expense and encourage hubby to come up with some money too.

andromida: I dont know any woman that will be happy that she paid for her own wedding, however you are very aware of your husband's situation so you should support each other. I also wont be suprised if most of the frivolities come from your end as most of us carry that mentality its my day, so simply cut it down. I can never understand why a wedding should cost so much when people have so little and are just starting out their lives it simply does not make any sense. Now if you have enough to throw around by all means have a big party but if you have little why waste it on guests who wont be around when you and hubby start fighting over money.

The problem with paying 80% for your wedding is you may keep rubbing it in your hubby's face. Please if you know you are this kind of person don't do it otherwise you may resent your hubby for a long while. Since money is the issue cut down all expense and encourage hubby to come up with some money too.

I quoting this as another example of why Nigerian women get beat-up on the regular. You don't know any woman that will be happy that she paid for her own wedding? In what fcking world do you live in? My buddy got married in Florida last week and he and his wife split the costs 50-50. His wife was plenty happy and glowing at dinner last night. Please get out of here with this nonsense!

I just read a topic You posted about this same guy about2weeks ago in which u said the guy had been acting non-chalant towards the relationship and also exhibits mood swing.i don't know any thing about your r/ship but i wonder if the guy is ready to get married or if your the one pushing towards marriage.i feel You should have a one on one talk with him and also ask him to b honest with u and tell u wat exactly he wants cos hw he even said'shebi u have ur own money'sounds as if he's doing u a favour by marrying you.You have ur own doubts and most of the time,a woman's intuition is right.don't b desperate to get married.i wish u all the best.

The fact is culture plays an important role in upbringing. For Igbos men pay a large chunk of the money for a wedding. Nigerians who live outside have adopted the western culture and don't bother with tradition/norms and instead do what works for them. I can imagine the kind of gossip the op will be subject to even from her own family, that is if they are in Nigeria. Personally I don't see the problem with her helping out but I also understand why she's doubtful about this.

d@Op in your case I would suggest you help out as much as you can. All the money being spent is not a waste but an investment for your future together. Don't worry about what people will say, you and your husband-to-be is what matters here. Like others have mentioned review your expense sheet and start amending. Good luck!

jay bee:
Like seriously?

Yeah! She is seriously correct.

OP, just make it a small wedding if your resources are small. I am assuming that OP's parents are not in a position to fund the wedding by themselves. They should provide support if they can. OP, Chaircover has nailed the advice on this one. Your husband-to-be should not be saying 'shebi you have your own money' even if he is dead-broke. Let him understand this, then scale down the wedding. Your life as a married couple is more important than the wedding. I am sure you hold strategy sessions where you work, why can't you and him sit down and do the same for your future? Couples should do that more!

moremi2008:

I quoting this as another example of why Nigerian women get beat-up on the regular. You don't know any woman that will be happy that she paid for her own wedding? In what fcking world do you live in? My buddy got married in Florida last week and he and his wife split the costs 50-50. His wife was plenty happy and glowing at dinner last night. Please get out of here with this nonsense!

The poster is already unhappy just thinking of paying for her own wedding. Did i hear you say your buddy and his wife split it 50-50? but poster should pay 80% just so she won't look like the regular Nigerian woman. Maybe you should get out of here with your nonsense.

Don't be selfish, you are very well in the know of what he used his money for. After all you both are planning for better tomorrow and contributing a larger part of the money is not a big deal since you love him and want to be his wife in near future. Between, money is nothing but vanity that is meant to be spent and your husband might use the money issue to know whether you are really a good and understanding woman or not. I advise you use your money to complement his.

lol, this lady has money, yet does NOT want to spend it on her future family life. oh lawd, says a lot about her!

@OP
the issue is VERY SIMPLE: you either A) let him pay for the wedding fully, while YOU pay for the house and renovations, B) you pay for the wedding and have a nice house to move to, C) let him pay for all the wedding and then he goes to sleep on a relative's couch, while you stay wherever you are now or D) find another donkey to marry.

only a greedy irresponsible person would focus on the 80%, while forgetting that they will have a nice family home to move to after the wedding. let them pay 50/50 for the wedding AND 50/50 for the house and renovations, et voila!!!!

I'm always too happy to 'help' my husband with almost all my money... that man just has his ways . I know he'll do the same if tables were turned, and we've been married for almost 2 years now.

OP, review this marriage oh... I can sense that you guys have some unsettled issues, you really need to talk. Although, I admit that there is usually some tension on various issues when planning the wedding, still something isn't right about this outburst and your relationship in general.

chinwe11: Nairalanders, i have some questions oh. I am getting married in August..............my fiance and i are both working, but the house where he is staying now is having some problems, and might fall soon, so the landlord told them all to evacuate so he can renovate. (The rent was expiring in September anyway) My fiance then decided to use part of the money for the wedding to rent a new house for us. The problem now is, after renting the house, he had to do renovations etc, and now the wedding for the money is almost finished to about 20% left. he is now saying shebi i also have money that i should make up the remaining 80%. Please nairalanders what do you think? Is a woman supposed to pay the bulk money for the wedding?



Afterall what plans did he have for rent after the wedding? I told him to borrow money he said no.

Pay for ur wedding and become his doormat tomoro.don't be surprised if he says he didn't want to marry u and u forced urself on him by takiing care of d weddin bills.nne go for wateva the 20% will get u guys and when u get the ring 'ur money can now become our money'

BE WISE!!

Some women are giving terrible advice here - if it was a woman in need of some cash and her husband to be asked her to go and BORROW (when he had the money) wouldn't you all here be shouting from the rooftops that she shouldn't marry such a stingy man?

The OP is an extremely selfish person who wants the husband to bear all the burden while she just coasts along without contributing.

The man clearly realised this selfish trait in the woman, which is why he said 'shebi you have money' to test her response, knowing she would rather tell him to go and borrow than contribute to HER OWN wedding.

God bless you slimyem for telling the truth - I absolutely abhor leeches who think they are entitled because they are women.

I completely disagree with you chaircover - the man should ask for a LOAN from his OWN wife-to-be for their OWN wedding? Absolutely ridiculous - so you think she is doing him a favour by contributing to her own wedding? Especially when the money was spent on getting a home for both of them?

With this type of attitude I'm no longer surprised when I see such women (mal)treated as mere possessions by their husbands. After all they 'paid' for everything, so they can (mis)use you as they deem fit.

If I was the groom I'd be thanking God for exposing the absolute selfishness of this leech and cancel the entire wedding immediately. Such a woman will ask you to sacrifice your life rather than her lifting a single finger.

@ OP

Don't contribute anything - just leave this good man alone for a good woman to find. Go and look for a rich mugu who is willing to marry a leech instead.

Pay 80% for my wedding? Tufiakwa. Alu. I can bring money o but not the bulk of it. Na me dey marry am abi na d bobo dey marry me? See the way he even said, "shebi u have ur own money?" No shame at all. After he will want you to go out and be working while he goes out drinking with his buddies.

blank: Pay 80% for my wedding? Tufiakwa. Alu. I can bring money o but not the bulk of it. Na me dey marry am abi na d bobo dey marry me? See the way he even said, "shebi u have ur own money?" No shame at all. After he will want you to go out and be working while he goes out drinking with his buddies.

so you wouldnt care that he spent all HIS money on getting a home for the future family?!

Whose money will he spend before? My father's own?

I am not averse to bringing money for the running of our household. Infact, my husband and i have a joint savings account and we have the online password to our salary accounts. Still, somethings are a given. He foots majority of the bills and i spend 50% of mine on savings and then bring out some for the house. Our monthly budget has items solely for my pleasure and at my discretion and he is cool with that.

This wedding she is talking about has been planned for 2 years yet he still is not ready? Na wa o. Shebi i have money, ok o.

People! People!! People!!! What is happening between OP and her Fiance is what is happening between the different groups of advisers- lack of effective communication. No doubt Mr. Fiance is feeling the pressure of marrying this girl and is on the verge of running bankrupt. Hence, he is telling the girl: 'look, you want to get married to me, find the money for the big wedding. OP, is saying: 'but you are the man, you should be the provider and not depend or rely on my resources'.

Both of you have your families, aren't they going to contribute anything to the wedding? You guys should scale-down the wedding and agree on how you will finance your new home after you are wedded. OP, as the woman, I suggest that you let your fiance know that you are not ready to be the primary financier of your new family and he should explain what his plans or thoughts are in this regard. If his explanation and your thoughts are not aligned, you might want to put everything on ice until you can sort things out amicably. Otherwise, give yourself some time to think through the question: Do I want to spend the rest of my life with this man and his attitude.

maclatunji: People! People!! People!!! What is happening between OP and her Fiance is what is happening between the different groups of advisers- lack of effective communication. No doubt Mr. Fiance is feeling the pressure of marrying this girl and is on the verge of running bankrupt. Hence, he is telling the girl: 'look, you want to get married to me, find the money for the big wedding. OP, is saying: 'but you are the man, you should be the provider and not depend or rely on my resources'.

The latter is an archaic and very backward way of thinking - anyone in 2012 that thinks this way is not ready to get married, unless the woman is planning to be a housewife.

Instead of the woman offering support, she tells him to go BORROW? She didn't say let's reconsider the expenses or adjust our expenses - her response is that he should go borrow. It is this kind of backward thinking that gets marriages in trouble even before they start.

Both of you have your families, aren't they going to contribute anything to the wedding? You guys should scale-down the wedding and agree on how you will finance your new home after you are wedded. OP, as the woman, I suggest that you let your fiance know that [b]you are not ready to be the primary financier of your new family [/b]and he should explain what his plans or thoughts are in this regard. If his explanation and your thoughts are not aligned, you might want to put everything on ice until you can sort things out amicably. Otherwise, give yourself some time to think through the question: Do I want to spend the rest of my life with this man and his attitude.

Again the highlighted statement is ridiculous - the man is not asking her to be the 'primary financier' of the new family. An unplanned LARGE expense has emerged that has taken away funds initially allocated to the wedding and he is asking her to support this - the percentage is immaterial at this point. If you can't call on your OWN WIFE to contribute in an emergency expense situation, you are better off not marrying in the first place.

chaircover: A culture where the man is treated like a king, a culture that has been in place from before our great grandparents were born; so tell my what do you expect when you start changing the dynamics of relationships?

Dyamics of relationships isn't necessarily for the woman to hold on to her money for her own use only. Even if that's the case when looking at it from cultural point of view, has it always been the best solution? Don't we hear about cases where the men start maltreating the wives just because they married them with all the bruhahaha of bride price et al?
Relationships should be based on individual basis. What works for me isn't necessarily going to work for you. We are meant to be adaptable in whatever situation we find ourselves in so long we are both on the same page. I definitely want to believe they were both on the same page when she agreed to marry him knowing fully well he wasn't buoyant and at the same time when he had to go exhaust most of his money so his family can be somewhat comfortable going forward

chaircover: The man proposed to the woman and said please will you marry me; so how exactly did he intend to marry the woman in the first instance?

She equally agreed so what's the point here? Last time i checked, it definitely does take two to tango

chaircover: Don’t get me wrong; I am happy to put some money down, but a whopping 80%? I might as well go marry myself and my borrowing you the money rather than just giving it to you, is actually doing you a favour. Why? Because I am saving you from your own ego. The ego that will go loopy and go into overdrive the day I decided to cook eba instead of amala and you will turn round and say “ Chinwe its not your fault o! Because you paid for the wedding abi? Any little thing will be “chinwe you are disrespecting me because you bought the suit I wore on my wedding”

10%/20%/30%/80%/100% is not the point. The point is a woman planning to get married to someone in few months should be ready to work as One.
What if the guy paid for all the wedding and unfortunately looses his job afterwards, does that mean she will come up with the same crap about the man being the head of the household.
I hope you know if we are to apply all/most cultural preferences to relationships then it's safe to say women wouldn't have any point fighting equality or what not in this day of age

chaircover: You guys need to make up your minds . . . seriously. . . . . Like I said, you cant have your cake and eat it.

Yes we can. It's a man's world at the end of the day . . . . . .

@Blank
yes the wedding was planned for 2 yrs but LIFE has a funny way of throwing curve balls and mess people's neat plans......and their abilities (or inabilties) to adapt(or deal with it accordingly) would be a sure sign that they are NOT ready for marriage. it sure sends a strong message to the hubby about the beliefs of his wife, yet he thought that marriage would make them become ONE. lol!

btw, if your husband suddenly loses his job, would you STILL expect him to pay for majority of the bills (while you save money for your own pleasures), even though he has no income?!

@Maclatunji
however they deal with the issue, they should NOT borrow money outside their union. no money was borrowed when he used HIS money to fix the home, so why should money be borrowed when its her turn to show she STANDS by their union fully?

also, funny how she had no issues when he was paying 100% of the wedding, but as soon as the tables are turned and she ONLY has to pay 50% of wedding and home+repairs (which is fair), she flips out.

@Blank
yes the wedding was planned for 2 yrs but LIFE has a funny way of throwing curve balls and mess people's neat plans......and their abilities (or inabilties) to adapt(or deal with it accordingly) would be a sure sign that they are NOT ready for marriage. it sure sends a strong message to the hubby about the beliefs of his wife, yet he thought that marriage would make them become ONE. lol!

btw, if your husband suddenly loses his job, would you STILL expect him to pay for majority of the bills (while you save money for your own pleasures), even though he has no income?!

@Maclatunji
however they deal with the issue, they should NOT borrow money outside their union. no money was borrowed when he used HIS money to fix the home, so why should money be borrowed when its her turn to show she STANDS by their union fully?

also, funny how she had no issues when he was paying 100% of the wedding, but as soon as the tables are turned and she ONLY has to pay 50% of wedding and home+repairs (which is fair), she flips out.

@ Op,

If you aint ready to contribute it is better you postpone the wedding till he is financially capable. Is it a must you marry in August

Obviously your fiance has a wrong attitude towards all this with the statement "shebi you get money". I really don"t see anything wrong in you helping out since he used the money for something that will benefit both of you. But with such attitude, you might end up spending your money on everything when you eventually get married.

Please, give it sometime jare. May be he isn't even sure about marrying you anymore.

chinwe11:
Afterall what plans did he have for rent after the wedding? I told him to borrow money he said no.

I didn't even see this part earlier.

Poster, I see why your hubby is beginning to give you an attitude. You should be glad you have a hubby that doesn"t wanna live beyond his means.

If he borrows, who pays it back? I will rather not put my guy under unnecessary pressure if I can bail him out. The koko is the guys mentality towards it and the understanding between you two.. As long as he is not the type that doesn't see anything wrong living off women, then you can go all out.

Like I said earlier, if you aint ready to help out, postpone the wedding till he is financially bouyant while you watch him marry another girl in a low key wedding

I did not contribute a dime. Some of you's need to understand that tribes play a vital role in issues like this. I am a solid Igbo girl and I guess the OP is, judging from her username. Where I come from the groom pays for everything, no shaking, if you can't afford it then you are not ready for marriage.

Tgirl4real:

I didn't even see this part earlier.

Poster, I see why your hubby is beginning to give you an attitude. You should be glad you have a hubby that doesn"t wanna live beyond his means.

If he borrows, who pays it back? I will rather not put my guy under unnecessary pressure if I can bail him out. The koko is the guys mentality towards it and the understanding between you two.. As long as he is not the type that doesn't see anything wrong living off women, then you can go all out.

Like I said earlier, if you aint ready to help out, postpone the wedding till he is financially bouyant while you watch him marry another girl in a low key wedding

well said!