Hi landers, I have a friend with this problem so i told him that i will share with u guys and know ur views.

My friend's parents started out together as a very poor couple living in a face-me-i-face-u apartment. With the woman's effort, he helped the husband all the way until now that he is a successful businessman. They have grown up kids, some in the university, my friend the eldest on his NYSC.

Now that the man is successful, he goes around town chasing girls and generally misbehaving. Everybody knows about this, I mean everybody apart from the poor wife.

The most annoying part is that his escapades are around the neighbourhood. He goes out with the neighbours' daughters, wives, his secretaries, everthing on skirts both underaged and overaged.

My friend and his siblings also know about this too. Each time he challenges his father openly, he charges up and threatens to lay a curse on the poor boy saying that he is ungrateful.Once he tried to throw in words indirectly to the dad in that direction in presence of his mum, all hell broke loose. The dad ranted and shouted and threatened fire and brimstones on both the mother and the kids calling them ingrates and reminding them that after spending all his money on their school fees, they come to insult him. The mum at the end of the day dint even catch the gist, she ended up begging her husband (as an ever peaceful woman)on behalf of the kids.

Now my friend is confused. He wants to tell the mum about everything. He doesnt know if he should do so because in as much as the mum is peaceful, she culd be erratic. If it hurts her so much, she is the kind of person that can pack up and leave the marriage; and the consequences will definitely fall on the kids.

On the other hand, he is afraid of confronting the dad because he doesnt know how he would react. Without the dad, how wuld they feed talkless of paying bills like school fees?

He also thot of confronting the dad's girlfriends, but how many will he confront?

I told him to get someone to talk to his dad but he said the father intimidates all his friends cos he's richer than them all. The bad friends follow him on his escapades while the good ones will be too afraid to confront him (cos he pays some of their children's fees).

The only person the dad respects is his elder brother and he pretends to b a saint in his presence. Going to him might bring up too many problems afterwards.

What should he do

I think the mother knows and is just turning a blind eye to it.
I hope she doesn't end up with diseases she doesn't deserve.

Seun:

I think the mother knows and is just turning a blind eye to it.
I hope she doesn't end up with diseases she doesn't deserve.

My sentiments exactly!  Like it is the first time?  

@poster
It is really none of your business.  They will work things out like they have always done.  Never interfere in the details of any marriage.

Your friend also needs to learn to mind his own business, because he may be doing more harm than good.  Any man or woman who gets married and cannot handle matters like this have no business getting married.  There are ways to  handle these things and you cannot tell me the children can have solutions to their parents' problems.  They are not even qualified to interfere since they do not know what kind of relationship exists between their mother and their father. 

Your friend can only be supportive to both while maintaining a neutral front.  Tell him to mind his business and if the mother is complaining, instead of advising and taking sides--she needs to talk to her pastor about it or someone who can help her----definitely not the children.  Don't think I would appreciate my kids interfering in ma matters.  Leaves too much room for disrespect---if you cannot handle your business.

Parents should sources of inspiration to their children and not use them as leaning boards.

Any man or woman who cannot handle his or her home is a weakling and has no reason to be married.

I think it will be best if your friend confronts his father about it. He shouldn't do it fighting,he should it with respect and with the realisation that he is talking to his father. Anything that comes out of it should be left alone so as not to creat more mishaps and he will see with time that his father will feel guilty and come back to his sences.

I don't agree with almondjoy,
I know what the poster is talking about because this has happened to me too.
We confronted my dad and he threatened to disown all of us!
My mom knew but she was too scared to talk, she always apologised on our behalf and looked guilty. It's simply the African mentality, she's about 60 now and grew up in the village with strict African mentality and beliefs even though she's a graduate.
I can feel the pain of your friend but the only option is to talk to your dad. I'm glad he's male, let him call him and have a man to man talk with him.
Tell you what, even if he threatens brim stone and fire, he will curtail his actions and stop doing it as shamelessly as he's doing.
We actually told my dad he was disgracing us before the eyes of our friends and pers. He was so mad and wondered why 'he sent these wortless girls to school!'
It's a terrible world indeed.

A fool at 40 is a fool for ever what of a fool that is more than 40?

Make una leave the man, his cup will soon be full.[/color][color=#990000][color=#990000][/color]

Confronting his father is a sign of disrespect.  The lady or woman in the house should clean up her dirty mess of a husband and leave these poor children to live their lives.  The reason I always preach that women should have some form of independence.  People like Okonjo-Iweala whose husbands have had publicized affairs have worked out that problem and are not divorced yet!!!

Every reasonable man or woman will protect their children from such sordid experiences.

Confronting his father will bring resentment and may even cause an age old rift. Sometimes interfering does more harm than good.  

Had a cousin--unmarried then, once who went crying to my grandmother about his father disrespecting his mother by taking another wife and keeping girlfriends.

My grandmother calmly told him.--in Yoruba of course.  Is that why you are crying?

Your grandfather did it-------

Your father did it------

Even you will do the same-------.

The old voice of wisdom!!!!


And it came to pass--- the poor old woman is dead and guess what?

My dear male cousin who should have known better--has 2 wives at the age of 35--With 5 kids!!!!!

I asked him a few years ago --- Oh boy how far now?  All he could say was "Na wah oh"!!!!

@Poster
I will suggest ur friend tell the uncle. Secondly, they should try as much as possible to organise an all nite vigil in his behalf. If that doens't solve the problem, then maybe a crusade,

cases like this are so rampant that you can hardly find a customised answer to how they should be handled.

a solution in one case may not apply in another.

what i advise is for your friend to pray for his parents. pray to God for his father's change and also in

thanksgiving for a mother like his who knows (yes she does) yet keeps calm.

as for other actions, there is hardly much he can do, but i challenge him to be good himself and watch lest he

be carried away and begin to act like his father (lots of men are promiscuos because they saw one or other of

the parents so). he should be a good example in charity to his parents and more in understanding.

these usually pay off in the long run.

God bless your friend and his family.

Carlosein
Very well said

Thanx y'all for the prompt response

@ seun,
beleive me, the mum honestly doesn't know about it. Even if she has an idea about it, she honestly does not know the extent to which it has gone. I dont want to use the word naive to describe her but she is not one that mixes up with people often so there's no way she can find out. Moreover this woman preaches morality, she even boasts to her children that she got married as a virgin and has never gone out of her matrimonial home.

@almondhjoy,
I know its none of my business but im trying to help out a young freind here. They can't even put up their face in the neighbourhood proudly especially the younger siblings; so its their problem as well.

candies:

I don't agree with almondjoy,
I know what the poster is talking about because this has happened to me too.
We confronted my dad and he threatened to disown all of us!


My mom knew but she was too scared to talk, she always apologised on our behalf and looked guilty. It's simply the African mentality, she's about 60 now and grew up in the village with strict African mentality and beliefs even though she's a graduate.

I can feel the pain of your friend but the only option is to talk to your dad. I'm glad he's male, let him call him and have a man to man talk with him.
Tell you what, even if he threatens brim stone and fire, he will curtail his actions and stop doing it as shamelessly as he's doing.

We actually told my dad he was disgracing us before the eyes of our friends and pers. He was so mad and wondered why 'he sent these wortless girls to school!'
It's a terrible world indeed.

Did it stop your dad from doing what he wanted to do?  I love my dad and I may not condone that if he did that--I will not antagonize him either. Because like you said you cannot kill "them" for what they have learned culturally.  You can only support and hope for the best.  Too bad your mom could not command the respect she deserved.  I know of a lot of "village" or "country" women who know how to handle their business too.  It is a matter of the individual personality.

I can't risk a relationship with my mother or father for something that absolutely has nothing to do with me.  The can sort out their rubbish and if not--too baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad.  Got my own life to live.  When it is all over, they can let me know what they want to do.   I care for both of them, but this is a battle they must fight or they will in turn interfere in ma own marriage--Can't have that!!!!  Absolutely not!!!!

chii:

Thanx y'all for the prompt response

@ seun,
beleive me, the mum honestly doesn't know about it. Even if she has an idea about it, she honestly does not know the extent to which it has gone. I don't want to use the word naive to describe her but she is not one that mixes up with people often so there's no way she can find out. Moreover this woman preaches morality, she even boasts to her children that she got married as a virgin and has never gone out of her matrimonial home.

@almondhjoy,
I know its none of my business but im trying to help out a young freind here.

They can't even put up their face in the neighbourhood proudly especially the younger siblings; so its their problem as well.

In a society that a monogamous family is an obscure phenomenon?  What kind of faces are they trying to put up?  Life has problems and if you are married in the city or village--don't care where it is--you should be able to handle "infidelity" in marriage. Not just cooking and raising children. 


My main problem here is that this woman is making her children do her dirty work and it is just not fair on them. How can you expel all these kids from your body, raise them and you cannot handle your man and his wahala?  When people get married, do parents not teach them how to take care of "domestic" issues other than having sex, cleaning, cooking, plaiting hair, having and raising children and so on and so forth?--It goes with the territory please.  That was one of the first things my parents taught me as a "girl"--how to handle a "wandering snake"!!!! 

If this woman cannot set a good example for her kids--especially her daughters, I am sorry to say--this viscious cycle will continue to repeat itself. The man has done what he has to do---by not setting a good example for his sons----it is the woman's turn to step up to the plate.  Nothing violent or nasty--every woman should have a formula for this kind of mess.---It is called  "a guide to covering all bases"!!!! You do not just lay down there playing helpless when you have work to do.

Please do not involve the children!!!!!!

@ Poster

I was in the same situation while in High School. My Dad probably slept with all the ladies in the whole area.I mean from married to young girls to university girls, it was so bad that he was sleeping with girls i was meant to be toasting.No one knew bout this until the security guard called me and told me. I thought my mum did not know but the security guard told me he had  told my mum a couple of weeks earlier.

I will tell you from experience that there is nothing you can do. The only person that can put a stop to the whole situation is your friends mom and i believe she knows that if she confronts him the marriage might break up-and that is the risk most women are not willing to make.

As for me my mum confronted my dad a few months later

They separated less than a week after she confronted him

go and meet his pastor or priest

@ almondjoy,
If you were brought up in a culture that preaches 'submissiveness' of woman to man, a culture where the man is infallable and where daughters as well as wives are not suppose to have a say in major decision, you might understand what I'm talking about.

Fortunately, my siblings and I aren't anything like my parents in that angle, so, we are the only strenght she's got. His infidelity is our problems too because it's a dance of shame and every one in our neighbourhood knew about it and made jest of our family.

To your question, NO, it didn't stop my dad from going around with women but it did stop him from doing it to our faces and shamelessly as if it were his birth right.

pls leave your mother out of it all.The fact that she did not know about the whole thing makes it look like nothing is happening.You will as a point of duty summon courage to talk to your dad why he should change his ways.

candies:

@ almondjoy,

If you were brought up in a culture that preaches 'submissiveness' of woman to man, a culture where the man is infallable and where daughters as well as wives are not suppose to have a say in major decision, you might understand what I'm talking about.

Fortunately, my siblings and I aren't anything like my parents in that angle, so, we are the only strenght she's got. His infidelity is our problems too because it's a dance of shame and every one in our neighbourhood knew about it and made jest of our family.

To your question, NO, it didn't stop my dad from going around with women but it did stop him from doing it to our faces and shamelessly as if it were his birth right.

Is it not this same culture that produced Ngozi Okonjo Iweala and Ezekwesili, Akunyili, Madeke, Nenadi Usman,  Mariam Babangidda, Stella Obansanjo, Madam Tinubu, Nkoyo Ibori, Onari Duke and do on and so forth?   Are they not surviving? 

I just love it when you all bring this "submissiveness" business into every discussion.  Let's face it.  Some women are weak and some are strong!  It is a personality problem not so much as a cultural problem anymore.  This is not the 50s!!!!  Why must God give me the kind of mother who decicdes to play the  famous "Nkiru Sylvanus"  ---- "housegirl" in a marriage?   I will feel sorry for her but my goodness, she needs to take care of her business without bothering my life--with a man she married--frankly I am not interested!!!!!That is her business.  If she does not know what to do, let her sit down there and have a coke and smile.


I am glad that you all have the strength to fight your mother's battles---Just save some for your own wahala coming ahead of you--like you are going to escape the mess?

tboy1:

@ Poster

I was in the same situation while in High School. My Dad probably slept with all the ladies in the whole area.I mean from married to young girls to university girls, it was so bad that he was sleeping with girls i was meant to be toasting.No one knew bout this until the security guard called me and told me. I thought my mum did not know but the security guard told me he had  told my mum a couple of weeks earlier.

I will tell you from experience that there is nothing you can do. The only person that can put a stop to the whole situation is your friends mom and i believe she knows that if she confronts him the marriage might break up-and that is the risk most women are not willing to make.

As for me my mum confronted my dad a few months later

They separated less than a week after she confronted him

Simple!  What you cannot tolerate--get the hell out.  At the end of the day--you are the woman going to die of one disease or the other!

mamaput:

go and meet his pastor or priest

Simple!  Please do not involve the children in the bloody mess!

slimtoney:

please leave your mother out of it all.The fact that she did not know about the whole thing makes it look like nothing is happening.You will as a point of duty summon courage to talk to your dad why he should change his ways.

Which duty? Like it is the children's place. It is the mother's place to go and deal with her mess! I am sure if it is to beg for "chop money" she will be an expert!

@ almondjoy,
No, it definitly wasn't the same culture, homes and upbringings differ. My grand parents were just partially educated not like Okonjo's parents who were well read as well as she grew up in the village and remained there all her life, teaching and bringing up her girls.
My mom is very strong in a lot of ways, she's not a weakling by any standard, but do you expect my mom who was a secondary school teacher to walk out of her home with her 9 children of which 8 were girls and take to the streets or back to her parents house because her husband was cheating?

She was strong enough to stay, and we took up her case as soon as we could. my dad did all of that nonsense short of taking a second wife and even had kids outside but she still remained the pillar of the home, well respected, loved and valued by her kids.

@ almondjoy, people are different. People are strong in different ways.
@ Candies, I feel your pains and salute the strength of your mom.

candies:

@ almondjoy,
No, it definitly wasn't the same culture, homes and upbringings differ. My grand parents were just partially educated not like Okonjo's parents who were well read as well as she grew up in the village and remained there all her life, teaching and bringing up her girls.
My mom is very strong in a lot of ways, she's not a weakling by any standard, but do you expect my mom who was a secondary school teacher to walk out of her home with her 9 children of which 8 were girls and take to the streets or back to her parents house because her husband was cheating?

She was strong enough to stay, and we took up her case as soon as we could. my dad did all of that nonsense short of taking a second wife and even had kids outside but she still remained the pillar of the home, well respected, loved and valued by her kids.

candies is right almondjoy, and when i said it was rampant, i meant it.
and all too often the mothers do exactly as described above which in my opinion is a great sign of strenght rather than weakness.

from my experience, even a very weak woman is in her own way stronger than most men.
_{make una never stone me o}

Till tody the vrage man is still afride of his mother and his pastor.
I it were my dad i would have shut my mouth.
But in my time aids was something far far away.
and two my mum is late so what he dose withhis new wife is not my problem she is not my mother. she has to take care of it

I suggest u sit ur father down and talk to him.
Then if he refuse to listen to u, that is when u involve ur uncle or any other person u feel like.
But for ur mother, u shouln't involve ur mother in that case since she doesn't know anything about except u want to seperate ur parents.

Your friend has no reason to tell his mum and i dont even see the neccesity to talk to the father. My uncle is just like your friend's father and the much i know of him nothing but may be age will put an end to it, I being close to him have spoken to him but nothing has changed, they should just leave him and show him love and respect and make him see you them through their education so that if he eventually die of it they can take care of the mum. My uncle's wife is aware but she is happy that the man so love and respect him and he is paying so so much pounds, euros and dollars to educate her kids as the 3 of them are abroad US, UK,IRL except for the little last kid.

This is why women should not depend on their husbands, if that happens to me i will either stop having sex with him or leave the house to avoid dying of aids or std.

wats wit this SEPERATION of parents nd all.
its just that the woman is almost helpless witout the help of the man.
excludin dat wat kind of MAN s dat? i really dont no aw men get wen dey re like dat dou m a pdt of a 1ce broken but now reconstructed home ve neva bin around a home were d MAN of d house cheats nd if my dad were to b d 1 i can only imagine d HAVOC my mum lld cause i 4 1 feel dat man s a JACKASSS well obviously he s.
 but guys apart from the fact that the lady cant cope witout the man livin wit a man s not a criterion 4 survivin wats d use of livin in a home dat u dont ve peace?
u cant say m so sure my husband s at his workplace nd m so syre he s meetin wit dis person now?
u cant say he s wit this friend of his nd dat nd dose nd i no d name of d bar were they rre?
u cant cose ur eyes nd say 1 tin u re so sure of ur husband s doin now?
dere certainly s no life there .
i dnt bvlame the woman ova anytin as many of u ve earlier stated probably she knows but she decides to kip quiet but dere s no peace dere.
my dear ur FRIENDS FATHER LLD DEFINETELY CUM  BAC 2 HIS SENSES ONLY IT MITE B LATE OR HE MITE B LATE BY THEN.

First all I think every man is entitled to whatever path he chooses to follow,what is not acceptable is reflecting the shame on his loved ones out of selfishness and promiscuity which he obviously is less bothered about.

If I were this fella I'd just take some time to converse with my father perhaps find out why he does it outrageously being careful not to judge him.I've been made to believe the reasons we men go out of many ways to satisfy our selfish desires varies and depends on the individual.It usually is the fact that they are aware they can get away with this guilty pleasures without being accountable to anyone especially if they contribute their bit to the welfare of their family and especially when they are the only ticket to the family's survival.This and a tonne more justifications promote this deed.

At this point I will suggest that this gentleman ask himself if he could be capable of doing the same thing,if he's sure he can't downgrade himself to the extent of so many extra marital affairs would he even experiment with one? Ofcourse provided with all the necessary means to foster this acts.
My opinion, if he's man enough to talk to his mum he should do so with indifference at the same time understand the consequences of a confrontation.Then lastly wait until he's his father's age before throwing stones at him even in his grave.

Well, no problem.  Like I said, we all have ways of solving problems.  I am sure the family in question will solve this problem too. I wish them goodluck!

I think it is the children that are hurting more from their father's escapdes than the mother.  The children may need to step back and let this woman be strong for once.  She should stop playing the victim and move on.  It is a done deal that the man will never come back to her and she needs to move on some how.  Diseases are too many out there.  Even where there is reconciliation--she will need to move to another bedroom as quickly as possible.

She may be risking her life by having any kind of amorous relationship with him. In this day and age?

@ poster:
It takes a man who fears God to be faithful. Therefore, no amount of confrontations would change the man's ways, except he understands what it means to really be GOD FEARING.
For the sake of peace then, encourage your friend and his siblings to take it to God in prayer that their father should learn to fear Him.
All da best

@almondjoy

Your posts most times are very educative, but sometimes instead of it being in a friendly manner, it becomes too insulting and  imposing.
A solution that worked A might not work for B in the same situation.  

@poster

Why should your friend be afraid of confronting his father in a respectful manner or at least telling his uncle since he's the only one he respects?
Your friend does not have to be afraid of being coursed or deprived of pocket money in the course of doing what is right. _{that's if your friend really cares}

nuzo:

@almondjoy

Your posts most times are very educative, but sometimes instead of it being in a friendly manner, it becomes too [b]insulting and  imposing.[/b]A solution that worked A might not work for B in the same situation. 

@poster

Why should your friend be afraid of confronting his father in a respectful manner or at least telling his uncle since he's the only one he respects?
Your friend does not have to be afraid of being coursed or deprived of pocket money in the course of doing what is right. _{that's if your friend really cares}

So where is the insult and how am I imposing now?  Because I suggested that the woman of the house take charge of her affairs and not bother her children.  Make she siddon there now! These meddlesome children are only perfecting their skills in being busy bodies. Which insult?

tushman:

RULE NUMBER ONE: never tell any of a married couple that one is cheating on the other unless you want to cause a break up.
the best your friend can do

if he is of age(ie if he is independent of daddys support) is to tell the old goat to keep his privates outside of the neighbourhood.the mother probably knows what the husband is doing but is turning a blind eye to his activities for the sake of peace.
the best advice i can give your friend is to

learn from his dads stupidity and not act like that when he gets married.

The ones making the most noise will even do worse.  That is why I say tread carefully.  Let the married couple sort themselves out!!!!  And when is he ever going to be of "age" to tell his father what to do?  Who is the father and who is the son?  I am laughing. Hmmmmmmmmm! I dare not even approach my father with that kind of topic.  Hmmmmmmmmm! Not out of fear, but out of respect as my father!  Let my mother handle her business!  Just like I would never dream of approaching my mother with such a topic. Pretend like you do not know what is happening and look the other way. Really no body's business than the people involved.

Na me born them?