Guys,
A colleague of mine recently mentioned that it was recently discovered that a neighbour of theirs is HIV positive but the wife does not know. Now is it right to inform the woman that her husband is HIV positive or to leave husband and wife alone? Where does a third party's duty lie in this case?

^^^ MYOB!!

Strange how you and your colleague who happens to be the man's neighbour all know the guy's "secret" and yet his wife remains in the dark.

HIV (which eventually progresses to AIDS) is not something that can be kept under wraps for long. It is evil for an infected person to keep quiet about something like from his wife / partner.

Yes, I believe the wife should be told asap by you (seeing as her coward of a cheating spouse hasn't got the decency & balls to do the right thing). This is really important so that she can go check herself immediately and if she's been infected, then she needs to start her course of treatments to delay the HIV from developing into full blown out AIDS.

@poster, trust me you'd be helping the children involved here as they need their mother with them for as long as possible. As for the selfish husband what can I say? The chickens have finally come to roost.

I don't think it is in the place of anybody but a close family member or friend to disclose that kind of information to the wife. For all you know, the wife might already know or the husband might be looking for the best time to tell her. Either way, if you have not been a regular guest in their bedroom up to date, I don't see how it is now in your place to barge in now with breaking news.

I just wonder at how neighbors know of this man's HIV status but his own wife has no clue; something about the story sounds fishy (except of course, one of his neighbors is an employee at the testing center or the hospital).

^^ I'm afraid I disagree with you on this one.

Let's take this story on face value & assume it's true. It's obvious the husband's hesitation or rather unwillingness to come clean with his wife is because he wishes to avoid the repercussions of admitting he cheated on his wife AND has contracted a killer disease in the process. This is typical of men who enjoy the thrill of promiscuity but would rather bury their heads in the sands than face the outcome of their acts of infidelity.

The way I see it, there is no such thing as the "right time", as time itself is of the essence (assuming she's already been infected and is unaware). She needs to start her course if treatment as soon as possible. Lord knows how long that man's been carrying the virus.

Finally, put yourself in the woman's place. Wouldn't you want to know about something like this, irrespective of who breaks the news? I know I would especially if my health has been compromised. How / what does it matter having the news broken to her by her husband or family member or close friend or even from a concerned stranger? It doesn't change the fact that her husband is HIV positive and she might already be infected too. The number one priority here is minimizing the danger to her life, THEN the issue of his infidelity / saving his marriage which is secondary, can be addressed.

Going by this story, the lady should be informed discreetly. Not a happy position to be in though.

Efemena_xy: Strange how you and your colleague who happens to be the man's neighbour all know the guy's "secret" and yet his wife remains in the dark.

HIV (which eventually progresses to AIDS) is not something that can be kept under wraps for long. It is evil for an infected person to keep quiet about something like from his wife / partner.

Yes, I believe the wife should be told asap by you (seeing as her coward of a cheating spouse hasn't got the decency & balls to do the right thing). This is really important so that she can go check herself immediately and if she's been infected, then she needs to start her course of treatments to delay the HIV from developing into full blown out AIDS.

@poster, trust me you'd be helping the children involved here as they need their mother with them for as long as possible. As for the selfish husband what can I say? The chickens have finally come to roost.

I agree with you. The woman can be anonymously informed. The woman should be called with a private no and informed. Tell her that her husband MAY have contacted HIV and let go for HIV test and stop having unprotected sex with her husband. I bet you she won't bother to know who is calling but will immediately run to the nearest lab.

Please help save the life of that woman. This is a matter of life and death not an issue of mind your business. If she hasn't contacted it, you will be doing her a great deal of good by letting her know. If she has, she will be able to control it now its in its early stage. Please help that woman. She didn't bargain for early death sentence.

PrettyCindy:

I agree with you. The woman can be anonymously informed. The woman should be called with a private no and informed. Tell her that her husband MAY have contacted HIV and let go for HIV test and stop having unprotected sex with her husband. I bet you she won't bother to know who is calling but will immediately run to the nearest lab.

You must be very young. She will wonder who the nut case is that is trying to destroy her home. And most probably mention it to her husband.

^That will depend on a lot of factors which include her personality and more importantly how the information is delivered to her.

Pls let's not be so judgemental. The husband may have gotten it through any other means but sexual intercourse.

If this is true then it's quite sad.
However, informing someone about another's HIV status is not something just anybody should do.

The options that can be taken are.

1. Tell the man point blank that it is unfair to hide his ailment from his wife. Advice him that everybody is already aware and people are threatening to tell the woman if he doesn't do so himself.
2. As a last resort, send a text or call the woman and tell her to ask her husband what he is hiding from her. That will definitely force the man to own up.

It is unwise for people to just call the woman and break the news to her. It is best the husband does so himself.

There are many WICKED people on this forum o . So if your sisters husband has HIV and you know you will keep quiet? Are you waiting for him to infect her too? Please tell me the woman's phone number let me rush and tell her abegi. If they both die who will fend for the kids. I shake my head at those who say MYOB!

BlueDiva: If this is true then it's quite sad.
However, informing someone about another's HIV status is not something just anybody should do.

The options that can be taken are.

1. Tell the man point blank that it is unfair to hide his ailment from his wife. Advice him that everybody is already aware and people are threatening to tell the woman if he doesn't do so himself.
2. As a last resort, send a text or call the woman and tell her to ask her husband what he is hiding from her. That will definitely force the man to own up.

[b]It is unwise for people to just call the woman and break the news to her. [/b]It is best the husband does so himself.

Why not? What could be more important than saving that poor woman's life?? Heaven forbid but would you still hold the same stance if it were your daughter? Sister? Or any female member of your family, knowing that every second counts?

It's easy to look on from the outside and feel aloof but do spare a moment & put yourself in that unfortunate woman's shoes...

Efemena_xy:

Why not? What could be more important than saving that poor woman's life?? Heaven forbid but would you still hold the same stance if it were your daughter? Sister? Or any female member of your family, knowing that every second counts?

It's easy to look on from the outside and feel aloof but do spare a moment & put yourself in that unfortunate woman's shoes...

Only crude people do such.
There is something called ethics.

I hope you know that in civilized climes, a person who just tested positive is referred to a counsellor to break the news.
Even the doctor doesn't just start telling the patient 'you have HIV'.

All i did was make a comment.
Nobody says i have to be taken seriously, it's just my opinion i stated. Simple

It is not in your place to tell the wife, except if she is your sister and even at that, you can only encourage her husband to tell her.

mollytinrox: Pls let's not be so judgemental. The husband may have gotten it through any other means but sexual intercourse.

i kinda agree with u on a second thought but dat will b almost impossible for d wife to believe...

If she is a housewife, slip a typed letter under her door or send someone to give the gateman to give madam. If she works, send it to her work or give the gateman at the workplace. If something bad happens to her you will feel guilty. She needs to know. Everyone infected with a disease should tell their partner and everyone in their household To stop the spread of the disease. He is a very wicked person and does not deserve any privacy. Probably wants to blame it on the woman

BlueDiva:

Only crude people do such.
There is something called ethics.

I hope you know that in civilized climes, a person who just tested positive is referred to a counsellor to break the news.
Even the doctor doesn't just start telling the patient 'you have HIV'.

All i did was make a comment.
Nobody says i have to be taken seriously, it's just my opinion i stated. Simple

And was it ethical for the husband to tell his neighbour, who then passed the information to his colleague at work? And now the whole of nairaland knows? I don't see any "councillors" here.

What we have here, this fiasco, is an "open secret"

iaabc: It is not in your place to tell the wife, except if she is your sister and even at that, you can only encourage her husband to tell her.

I see.

So you'd rather remain in the dark till your sister or the husband breaks the news to you? What if they NEVER tell her? What then? She should keep on having unprotected s/e/x with the Arrow??

MInd you the man is unwillng (for reasons best known to him) to come clean with his wife & tell her the truth, hence the question posed by the poster.

Some persons can be wicked ooo. We are talking about a deadly disease here not Malaria or Typhoid fever. Those of you saying the woman should not be informed please answer this question: if the husband doesn't tell her and infects her, she finds out late when it would have become full blown AIDS and they both die; what becomes the fate of the poor children?
In the course of my profession i have seen lots of people with HIV and what it does to them.
When i was living and working in Lagos- Ketu, i did ante natal screening for a young lady in her mid twenties. She was already due for delivery. She tested positive to HIV, the repeated 3 more times with different testing kits and fresh samples from her. I re traced her records to when she started the ante natal (wasn't working there yet) and discovered she has been testing negative. Meaning she was infected by her husband in her 3rd trimester. Now what do you think of such a man?

@ topic, The woman have a better opportunity of controlling it if she has already been infected.

iaabc: It is not in your place to tell the wife, except if she is your sister and even at that, you can only encourage her husband to tell her.

Thank you, I can't understand why they don't see this. They all think it is that easy. Suppose the man freaks out and hurts you? What does he really have to loose?

[b][/b]

PrettyCindy: Some persons can be wicked ooo. We are talking about a deadly disease here not Malaria or Typhoid fever. Those of you saying the woman should not be informed please answer this question: if the husband doesn't tell her and infects her, she finds out late when it would have become full blown AIDS and they both die; what becomes the fate of the poor children?
In the course of my profession i have seen lots of people with HIV and what it does to them.
When i was living and working in Lagos- Ketu, i did ante natal screening for a young lady in her mid twenties. She was already due for delivery. She tested positive to HIV, the repeated 3 more times with different testing kits and fresh samples from her. I re traced her records to when she started the ante natal (wasn't working there yet) and discovered she has been testing negative. Meaning she was infected by her husband in her 3rd trimester. Now what do you think of such a man?

@ topic, The woman have a better opportunity of controlling it if she has already been infected.

Did anybody really say d woman shldn't be informed? People are just saying the man shld be conveinced to tell d woman. Are u d woman who will go and tell d woman yourself? People never learn dat it is wrong to involve urself in the affairs of married pple uninvited. Shikena

Nigerians like to look for trouble sha! In the US, informing the wife is illegal and you could be arrested and jailed for violating the man's privacy (in fact, whoever the health worker is who leaked the man's health status will be banned from the profession for life and probably serve jail time as well).

Nobody knows for a fact that the man is actually HIV positive. I would err in the side of caution especially about news this delicate and private. I think some people have given excellent advice to confront the man privately and put him under pressure to inform his wife. In many parts of the world, the man will be guilty of a crime if he sleeps with his wife without protection after receiving his diagnosis.

ps - For some reason, I think this story is false. In the US, a newly diagnosed married man is immediately asked to bring in his wife for counselling. The only reason why I am even giving the story the benefit of the doubt is because common practice in Nigeria might differ from elsewhere.

@OP
if you were the partner of an secret hiv carrier, would you like complete strangers to let you know about your man's status?
and if you were the infected man hiding it from your wife, would you think it is ok that she learn of your status from complete strangers?

but how did strangers get to know , in the first place Its better to tell her, for the children sake. Or else the children will suffer, after both parents are dead... Thats assuming if the husband suceeds in infecting his wife, in the long run.

MRbrownJAY: @OP
if you were the partner of an secret hiv carrier, would you like complete strangers to let you know about your man's status?
and if you were the infected man hiding it from your wife, would you think it is ok that she learn of your status from complete strangers?

A resounding yes.
I'd be hurt I had to be informed by an outsider (my anger would be directed at him, of course) but the hurt cannot be compared to what I'd feel if by the time I eventually find out, I've been infected . . .Thanks to his reticence.

Missy_B:
A resounding yes.
I'd be hurt I had to be informed by an outsider (my anger would be directed at him, of course) but the hurt cannot be compared to what I'd feel if by the time I eventually find out, I've been infected . . .Thanks to his reticence.

I am pretty sure the wife would be infected long before a diagnosis.

PrettyCindy: Some persons can be wicked ooo. We are talking about a deadly disease here not Malaria or Typhoid fever. Those of you saying the woman should not be informed please answer this question: if the husband doesn't tell her and infects her, she finds out late when it would have become full blown AIDS and they both die; what becomes the fate of the poor children?
In the course of my profession i have seen lots of people with HIV and what it does to them.
When i was living and working in Lagos- Ketu, i did ante natal screening for a young lady in her mid twenties. She was already due for delivery. She tested positive to HIV, the repeated 3 more times with different testing kits and fresh samples from her. I re traced her records to when she started the ante natal (wasn't working there yet) and discovered she has been testing negative. Meaning she was infected by her husband in her 3rd trimester. Now what do you think of such a man?

@ topic, The woman have a better opportunity of controlling it if she has already been infected.

Cindy, that is so sad!

The b@$t@rd deserves to be shot!

It just goes to show that people need to realize that AIDS IS REAL!!

MRbrownJAY: @OP
if you were the partner of an secret hiv carrier, would you like complete strangers to let you know about your man's status?
and if you were the infected man hiding it from your wife, would you think it is ok that she learn of your status from complete strangers?

yes! Yes!! YES!!!

At that point in time I wouldn't care WHO tells me or HOW I'm told as long as i'm told, period!

Johndoe100:

Thank you, I can't understand why they don't see this. They all think it is that easy. Suppose the man freaks out and hurts you? What does he really have to loose?

So what?

Esp if it just might help saving an innocent person's life.

MRbrownJAY: @OP
if you were the partner of an secret hiv carrier, would you like complete strangers to let you know about your man's status?
and if you were the infected man hiding it from your wife, would you think it is ok that she learn of your status from complete strangers?

Mr BrownJAY, HIV is a DEATH SENTENCE if not managed on time. I have seen lots and lots of people living with that stuff. If you find out on time, you will be able to manage it and still live a very very comfortable normal life but it is a certified ticking C4 Explosive when the carrier doesn't know its HIV and continues treating Malaria and Typhoid repeatedly. Remember this woman here did not ask for it, she could be your sister.
Infact i know for damn sure that all of you saying you won't tell will do serious tatafo if its your sister or aunt or best friends involved. Who are we kidding? **the crap women take all in the name of marriage**.