i've been here for a while, read other people's issues even had to put in some advises few times but now i need a different perspective on mine and would appreciate if i got some, and pls if you have to insult or be rude, make it a little bit polite.

i really am trying to understand the mind and the reasoning of a woman compared to a man, what defines being selfish, self centred, what is defined as lazy, laid back and other words which often come out when relationship is not working especially as regards finances, i would say that ignoring sympathy, it is easy to say the duty of the man is to provide, every man wants to do that, no man likes to give excuses, but reality sometimes is that things dont always work how we want it to be, but its like a journey , you dont give up half-way, you overcome stumbling blocks and keep on moving but do we really decide when things would change and we can live the dream, i remember perx story on here and sometimes often wonder in the end was all her fight worth it, yes her stoy might be different from others who shared success stories in the end but to those successful can they really say boldly that they decided their destiny.

sorry for all the intro, let me get to my story, i would first start with my faults which i am guilty of , i lied, i made an application to get a visa to continue in the UK, along the line my sponsor disappointed me, infact my would be sponsor walked out around 5 days to my visa expiring when my dad was to go pick the documents and send it to as all the documents were prepared weeks before and only needed his signature, it was a business application which required huge funds, actually he had stood for me before when i came in for my masters and gave me an account worth 60 million, and promised to do this as well, i cant fault him or blame him as he was protecting himself , this is not about him but about what i did next.

i did my introduction over a year ago with the most loving and beautiful lady i fell in love with, we grew up kind of together, known her for about 7yrs before we started dating although i would come from the UK to see her (Twice), it was the best day of my life, but somethings were not right, about the time of introduction i had only abot £2000 pounds as all my savings, i had got tired of seeking a proffessional employment in the UK, i was on post study, i did msc environmental mgt, and also have a health and safety cert (Nebosh), after doing call centres fo yrs, i needed fufillment, i even at some point left some posts here on nairaland regarding seeking employment. as my lady also advised that i come home and try for a job, i finished my last contract job in the UK, went home , had my introduction, and started to apply, spoke to uncles, families .....,during all this my first mistake, i had come home about the time UKBA was closing highly skilled programme, so i didnt do it before it was closed, i had stayed in naija met major companies but after 5 months the only offer i received was from a private business who offered 50k and was going to put me on probration for a month, i know some would say why didnt i start there, a year before a major oil and gas firm called me from UK for good role in clean development mechanism/iso14001 in africa but for some reasons which till today i cant figure out i got home and the interview was never fixed....... to be continued

so i got the offer also this offer was verbal not written and subject to me preparing 2 reports for the firms major clients , the 2 reports worth 900,000 naira, and all i will get is 1000 a day to come to the office, and i would have to use my money to provide internet facilities at home to finish the reports ,i actually worked there about 3 weeks, at some point i started to write from home as it wasnt worth to leave ojodu to surulere everyday, getting to office with no internet, having to wait for director to give me her dungle, or i use mine which i pay for monthly to do their job, and the earn what 1000 a day?, i finished 1 report, the i had malaria was out for 2 weeks, and then i came back, and they said they would review me again, i refused it, then look at my visa , i had about 5-6 months left, i 've been spending money with nothing coming back in, introduction was done, i need to act fast and straight as wifey is not getting young, i was 30yrs and she was a year younger, i decided I should’nt waist the remaining months on my visa, decided i should come try back even if it raising money getting accommodation, put some funds towards wedding and have something for business even if i had to be patient for a job, i got a £4000 loan from my mum, i put some considerable amount into wifeys business (she has an official job as well although not huge pay).

i sought her opinion on the funds i had, she talked about clothings ad them stuffs from uk if i put all my funds together, i agreed that moment, i felt it wasnt bad although i was thinking of somthing better, i came back to the UK, got another call centre job about 4 weeks after i came in, along the line i met a friend at church who put me through auto trade in the UK, getting cars from auctions and stuffs like that, i put down some funds to watch it, i studied the business, i would go to my friends garage and see how well he was doing, i told wifey about it , she would not have it saying it would tie money down, when i diclosed the profits after first 2 months, she believed i was waisting my time as a result i didnt discuss further with her i wanted her to see the glory, after about 3 months, things improved, making about £2500, during that period i decided to go through the business route get the entrepreneual visa and grow my business, i had about 4 cars online every other week.

well my application became stumbling block to my business, it took me almost 3 moths to get a new sponsor who agreed to help ad eventually did, basically my documents was forwarded without the sponsors document which i later sent 2-3 months later, now i've been waiting for their reply, but what is the reason for all my story since.

At some point in feb, i opened up to wifey about my growing business, she flared up, and nagged, for the sake of respect i would not post her reaction words on here, i tried to explain to her that you didnt believe in it so the only way to sell it to you was to make it successful but she was just annoyed, and said all sorts, and as if that wasnt enough when i discovered how long the whole application process was taking and i had raised over £11000 from my business although i put them back on the cars, i made the biggest blunder, i opened up about my experience with my sponsor and that was the beggining of the end, for 3 days i received all sorts of words, worse enough contemplating walking out and how she cant live with a liar, what hit me most was her confessing that her ex who was cheating on her openly not secretly, was quite better than me in that he was actually straightforward according to her. although we are still together, and she is cooling down a bit, and i'm allowing her sort her head, and i apologised for what i did i still needed to find out what went wrong and how do i correct this.

this is my defence, i feel my initial lack of financial independence was the major cause of all this (if i had a job or business close to her, this would not be happening, i felt there was pressure on me and i needed to provide, my inability not to get a job should not be an excuse,i felt i couldnt sell a business to someone who never believed in it so the only way to do it was to show her the success, i believed my business was growing as well as my capital so i had to do everything to make my visa work so i could continue my business, and if i had told her my sponsor walked out she would advice i come home, first i cant come home within 4 days as my sponsor went blank then, so i had to send something in so i dont become an overstayer, and i didnt want to go back naija the way i went the during introduction with little, i need to go home with something to start a family with, i put her into all my thoughts and also thought about her health issues as she worries alot too, i have actually denied my self all loads of things just to raise this capital,i could live better than i am doing in the UK at the moment but i started this to achieve a goal, at some point i told her i was going to send some monet towards our plans at home,i sent little but sometimes cash is tied down, also i figure if i had halved the money and sent it i would not have raised all i did. to me it was a loose loose situation whether i told then or not, but the excuse of having nothing was what i never wanted to give again if i got home.

my situation now is if i have to go home now i can comfortable set up a home, get married, and have some few bucks for business, all i need is to wait for my reply and i'm ready to accpt any decision they give, but where i am now is my wifey believes she it would be hard to trust me, and i have disappointed her and lost my intergrity and i would have to prove myself to her again, my very good friend over here told me when i made up my mind to conceal what i was doing i should have made it forever and not open up, but then if your're dealing with a smart lady(of course you want your woman to be smart) and someone under pressure due to her age you cant just give some resons for that long, so this is my story and pls let me know where i went wrong mind you we dont have trust problems as regards cheating.

ps: i am still very much interested in a job role with my proffessional line in naija (environmental, health and safety advisor/consultant)should any one be interested in assisting for a job.

can i also put that i dont have issues with her, she is lovely, good charcter, sweet and nice, i just believe there is a pressure to settle down and have her own family.

I don't see where you went wrong,your woman just have to chill out and relax some more but you guys have to work on the communication lines;keeping it open,sincere and flowing at all times.long distance marriage/affair always comes with the communication challenge so what you are facing now ain'T strange .

btw,are you thinking of coming back to naija now?i would suggest that before you do,start now to hunt for work,your wife is here,what a really nice woman that wants her husband close to her ought to do is to start networking,checking out firms,telling friends and family and handing out your cv just incase something comes up. . .
coming home on vacation with some change in the pocket is entirely different from living here oh. . .big difference so don'T just rush home.do your homework well,factor in the high cost of living 'averagely well' here before you relocate.

You sound like a decent young man, your partner should take things easy and not mount too much pressure on you so that you don't break down from the whole work/business/survival stress. Calm her down and talk to her lovingly, you need to be walking together and supporting each other.

It's a good thing to be married and have a family with her but do it when you want to do it, it is not fair on you to be pressured into it so you guys don't get into it and be at each other's neck. I am a lady and I understand that the nurturing nature of us women makes most of us wish to have families and make babies, it's a sweet thing for a lady to find a compatible partner to make a home with but it's not right for a young man to be pressured into it. If you on the other hand is interested in starting the family now that you have started earning some, you can plan small and wed and stuff but organize yourself good dear and be sure that you can feed kids when they start coming, it won't be easy when you have children that must eat so be careful in making your decisions.

You guys have communication issues that needs some serious sorting out. Trust me you don't want to start having these sort of issues before you guys start living together.

She has absolutely no right to compare you with her ex. The last boyfriend is tagged an ex for a purpose so if she can't forgive you for being somewhat economical with the truth then she had better go back to him.

They've said it all. The 3 points I was going to underline.

She has absolutely no right to compare you with her ex. The last boyfriend is tagged an ex for a purpose so if she can't forgive you for being somewhat economical with the truth then she had better go back to him.

You sound like a decent young man, your partner should take things easy and not mount too much pressure on you so that you don't break down from the whole work/business/survival stress.

I don't see where you went wrong,your woman just have to chill out and relax

ifyalways: I don't see where you went wrong,your woman just have to chill out and relax some more but you guys have to work on the communication lines;keeping it open,sincere and flowing at all times.long distance marriage/affair always comes with the communication challenge so what you are facing now ain'T strange .

btw,are you thinking of coming back to naija now?i would suggest that before you do,start now to hunt for work,your wife is here,what a really nice woman that wants her husband close to her ought to do is to start networking,checking out firms,telling friends and family and handing out your cv just incase something comes up. . .
coming home on vacation with some change in the pocket is entirely different from living here oh. . .big difference so don'T just rush home.do your homework well,factor in the high cost of living 'averagely well' here before you relocate.

i agree with u.

I'll be honest with you bros. Sometimes a man has to break away from wife and family to focus on his business/career. You did absolutely nothing wrong to shield your fragile dream/ambitions from an unbelieving or nagging wife/fiancee. Let her keep venting and making mouth; you just filter-out all her drama and stay focused on the goal at hand. This same woman that's screaming her head off at you for focusing on your business will be the same woman screaming at you if you returned home penniless and jobless. Women are emotionally needy creatures; don't allow that emotional need to cloud your vision and derail you from purposeful business. Good luck with your business! Hope there's a big turnaround real soon!

manheem:
At some point in feb, i opened up to wifey about my growing business, she flared up, and nagged, for the sake of respect i would not post her reaction words on here, i tried to explain to her that you didnt believe in it so the only way to sell it to you was to make it successful but she was just annoyed, and said all sorts, and as if that wasnt enough when i discovered how long the whole application process was taking and i had raised over £11000 from my business although i put them back on the cars, i made the biggest blunder, i opened up about my experience with my sponsor and that was the beggining of the end, for 3 days i received all sorts of words, worse enough contemplating walking out and how she cant live with a liar, what hit me most was her confessing that her ex who was cheating on her openly not secretly, was quite better than me in that he was actually straightforward according to her.

@ Poster
I believe The Lord is warning you to run away from this woman now that it is not too late.

@manheem,u've just got d best advice a reasoning human can give,and 4 those who offer those sweet advice,,i have dis 2 say 2 u ;-wisdom shall never cease in ur house of wisdom..@manheem..dem don tell u finish""chikena.

I don't think you did anything wrong. All you wanted is to be a responsible man. You had an idea wifey did not believe in and you needed to make it work for her to see instead of just talking. Guy, you are on track. Your wifey appears to be a bit controlling, selfish and impatient. This could be as a result of your growing up together and the age difference.

Like everyone has said, try sit her down, explain the situation and your concerns. And also tell her you would want her to trust and respect you more. You guys will do better if you can carry her along when planning.

Sometimes, we women are our own worst enemies.

Btw, you need to sort out this bit with her before going ahead with the marriage

manheem:
my situation now is if i have to go home now i can comfortable set up a home, get married, and have some few bucks for business, all i need is to wait for my reply and i'm ready to accpt any decision they give, but where i am now is my wifey believes she it would be hard to trust me, and i have disappointed her and lost my intergrity and i would have to prove myself to her again

thanks for all your response and advises so far, i'm not perfect at the end of the day, and have my faults, i also realize how lies or hiding the truth for the greater good sometimes could cause issues, like i said she is a sweet girl and has good character, but above all this the ability of a man to provide for his home comes first or else the sweetest lady could turn to a monster, and also the pressure of our society, families on women esp at her age and coupled with distance is bearing on her, but i would take not of all that has been said.

manheem: thanks for all your response and advises so far, i'm not perfect at the end of the day, and have my faults, i also realize how lies or hiding the truth for the greater good sometimes could cause issues, like i said she is a sweet girl and has good character, but above all this the ability of a man to provide for his home comes first or else the sweetest lady could turn to a monster, and also the pressure of our society, families on women esp at her age and coupled with distance is bearing on her, but i would take not of all that has been said.

bla bla bla bla be a man ok.
What you've narrated above shouldn't have warranted her comparing you to her ex except you aren't telling us the full story.
You give a woman an inch she walks the mile.

yes you're right, i'm the man in my relationship and it has always been like that before this, we talked about that and i lashed her about that, she apologized, there's nothing else to say that has not been said, this issue is regarding lies, or in her words deception, she believed i stirred her emotions regarding the visa issue, most ladies would react as well,

btw can the mods not put this on the front page, i hope this would be respected.

manheem,
a man has got to do what a man has got to do(in a legal way). I have been married for some years and i dont expect hubby to tell me every single detail. He is the man and i expect him to take decisions for the family.In marriage commucication doesnt mean we must discuss everything otherwise the world will fall apart.

In your case, establish yourself financially first before marriage. Obviously your wife does not understand your visa or work issues. Sometimes when you are the person involved in a situation, the other party does not understand.

Don't stress yourself, you did what you had to do

I am just lost with the long-story....
1. did not get a job, then ventured into your own business
2. fiancee was not aware of the business, but you later told her and she is angry
3. She wants to 'clear her head' because of the business thingy or because you never told her at first.

This is all i got from the write-up, i hope i'm correct, if i am..."then go and drink and chillax, she will so be fine".

What is the novel about? Thought we were taught to summerize in sec school? Op summarize dis thing if u want more advice.

Unless I'm missing out on something here, like most people have mentioned, I too don't see what the issue is. Sure you made a "mistake" not telling her EVERYTHING. But who really lives like that? How much detail does she need to know about your every action? Wanting to know every single detail of a person's affairs is unrealistic and borders on being seen as "Micro-managing".

Based on what you've told us, she had no right to bring in an ex for comparison. That in itself shows that she has little or no respect for you. Are you absolutely sure you did nothing to warrant her mentioning him in the first place? The way I see it, she probably has got trust issues and is insecure. Understandably, relationships aren't a walk in the park, moreso long distance relationships.

You obviously love her a lot so that a good thing in itself. Spend quality time talking to her and try to eliminate her fears and doubts. You come across as a well balanced individual trying his best to do the right thing and I commend you for it. Just keep on doing what you're doing and don't be discouraged.

One more thing, I'm no expert in this field so correct me if I'm wrong: Is there anyway she could come join you in the UK? I think if she were with you that would go a long way to resolve the issues of trust. Life as you know in the UK can be tough but most people back home don't see it that way.

Anyway, best of luck man!

this woman is bad for you. Infact comparing you to her ex would be enough for me to call the whole thing off. She can go be with the ex... seems to me she would have preferred to be married to the ex and you are nothing but a fallback option for her.

Abeg this woman is bad market

You know what... it just occurred to me that this "clearing my head" reaction is a bit odd for a woman that is so eager to marry you! Are you sure she hasn't found somebody else?

manheem: this is my defence, i feel my initial lack of financial independence was the major cause of all this (if i had a job or business close to her, this would not be happening, i felt there was pressure on me and i needed to provide, my inability not to get a job should not be an excuse,i felt i couldnt sell a business to someone who never believed in it so the only way to do it was to show her the success, i believed my business was growing as well as my capital so i had to do everything to make my visa work so i could continue my business,[b] and if i had told her my sponsor walked out she would advice i come home, [/b]first i cant come home within 4 days as my sponsor went blank then, so i had to send something in so i dont become an overstayer, and i didnt want to go back naija the way i went the during introduction with little, i need to go home with something to start a family with, i put her into all my thoughts and also thought about her health issues as she worries alot too, i have actually denied my self all loads of things just to raise this capital,i could live better than i am doing in the UK at the moment but i started this to achieve a goal, at some point i told her i was going to send some monet towards our plans at home,i sent little but sometimes cash is tied down, also i figure if i had halved the money and sent it i would not have raised all i did. to me it was a loose loose situation whether i told then or not, but the excuse of having nothing was what i never wanted to give again if i got home.

[b]my situation now is if i have to go home now i can comfortable set up a home, get married, and have some few bucks for business, all i need is to wait for my reply and i'm ready to accpt any decision they give, [/b]but where i am now is my wifey believes she it would be hard to trust me, and i have disappointed her and lost my intergrity and i would have to prove myself to her again, [b]my very good friend over here told me when i made up my mind to conceal what i was doing i should have made it forever and not open up, but then if your're dealing with a smart lady(of course you want your woman to be smart) and someone under pressure due to her age you cant just give some resons for that long, [/b]so this is my story and pls let me know where i went wrong mind you we dont have trust problems as regards cheating.

What is the rush to return home when you already narrated how difficult it was the other time you returned and searched for a job? Is it your fiancee that wants you to return or has it to do with the paper issue. If the car selling business is yielding profit for you, you did no wrong in holding onto it when she disagreed with it. You did not lie to her, you are struggling for yourself. It's very sweet of you considering her feelings, what with the way you are cuddling her notions of things here. She is nice and lovely but seems a bit overbearing (I'm not cancelling her out as a bad person) from what you are narrating here. She should let up a bit so that you can handle your paper issues, I hope it turns out positive for you---in that case you can organize yourself and help her come over to be with you in the UK. Should you get a good job in Nigeria and decide to return--good all the same.

All in all, I can sense some frustrations on both of you over the distance between you. Such distance does affect married couples and intending-to-marry couples like you and your fiancee, there shouldn't be much bickerings that can get on nerves that are already heaved down with worries/stress of job search, paper rectification, desire to marry and birth etc. I hope things fall in place for you guys so that you can be together soon (if that is your wish) and have a good source of livelihood too.

Ivynwa:

What is the rush to return home when you already narrated how difficult it was the other time you returned and searched for a job? Is it your fiancee that wants you to return or has it to do with the paper issue. If the car selling business is yielding profit for you, you did no wrong in holding onto it when she disagreed with it. You did not lie to her, you are struggling for yourself. It's very sweet of you considering her feelings, what with the way you are cuddling her notions of things here. She is nice and lovely but seems a bit overbearing (I'm not cancelling her out as a bad person) from what you are narrating here. She should let up a bit so that you can handle your paper issues, I hope it turns out positive for you---in that case you can organize yourself and help her come over to be with you in the UK. Should you get a good job in Nigeria and decide to return--good all the same.

All in all, I can sense some frustrations on both of you over the distance between you. Such distance does affect married couples and intending-to-marry couples like you and your fiancee, there shouldn't be much bickerings that can get on nerves that are already heaved down with worries/stress of job search, paper rectification, desire to marry and birth etc. I hope things fall in place for you guys so that you can be together soon (if that is your wish) and have a good source of livelihood too.

some people can write sha.

@Poster
I think I now understand where the pressure to settle down and have a family is coming from---You already did the introduction with her.
Take things easy, everything will be alright. Having a means of sustenance and legalizing your stay abroad are also important.

@ivynwa, i appreciate your advises and response on this thread, the pressure is about having done the introduction, well not like we didnt plan b4 introduction, but loads of problems came up then, my mum was sick and was brought back fom US and i had to stay longer at home cos i was the eldest around, had to watch over her my self and wifey, she suprised me and assisted me a lot then, so when i look at how the pressure is getting at her now i choose to look at the good, sweet girl i know and believe by Gods grace this phase would be over soon, people just continue to pray for us.

@ OP Please hang in there! Every rshp comes with its own challenges and like some posters said your wifey might be under pressure as well and may have voiced out the comparison out of frustration. At times women say things they don't mean, dont be hard on her especially when you know this is someone that has stood and still standing by you through hard times.
You come across as a responsible hard working man; keep focused and in due season God will make the lines falll into pleasant places for you both...
In retrospect, i remember when myself and hubby were starting, it was'nt a walk in the park but today our story has changed and things have improved a great deal. The only small issue being that my job makes me travel a lot the reason i'm awake till this time cos im not within our base now working off station
I work in telco and i know there is recruitment on going for CCE as we are tryna expand the CC, since you've done call centre job in UK you can send your cv to ryke200@yahoo.com for CC job to start from on full time basis if you re interested as you could get an opportunity for job rotation in other units as well. God's speed

From your post it seems you allow your wife to determine your life.

Never ever allow any woman (Wife/GF) to trap or control your life.

Your responsibility is to provide for your family by any legal means and you don't have to tell her everything.

I will advice you tell her to go and meet her EX since she still admires him(EX).

[quote author=moremi2008]I'll be honest with you bros. Sometimes a man has to break away from wife and family to focus on his business/career. You did absolutely nothing wrong to shield your fragile dream/ambitions from an unbelieving or nagging wife/fiancee. Let her keep venting and making mouth; you just filter-out all her drama and stay focused on the goal at hand. This same woman that's screaming her head off at you for focusing on your business will be the same woman screaming at you if you returned home penniless and jobless. Women are emotionally needy creatures; don't allow that emotional need to cloud your vision and derail you from purposeful business. Good luck with your business! Hope there's a big turnaround real soon![/

As if you were reading my thoughts i agree with you guy

manheem: yes you're right, i'm the man in my relationship and it has always been like that before this, we talked about that and i lashed her about that, she apologized, there's nothing else to say that has not been said, this issue is regarding lies, or in her words deception, she believed i stirred her emotions regarding the visa issue, most ladies would react as well,

btw can the mods not put this on the front page, i hope this would be respected.

You irritatingly keep on harping on about your lies as the excuse for her immature, unpalatable, atrocious ill-treatment of you. Where did you lie cos I still can't place one finger on it oh Did you not tell her 3 times according to your story up there. And if she was the good person you are claiming she is, she was aware you only had 5/6 months left on your visa and you have been in the UK longer, shouldn't her main concern be her fear on the possibility of you overstaying and how you are working on resolving it, rather than shoot down your submission and dismiss you all the time


According to you, your Mum loaned you some money, you gave her a substantial amount towards her own business and decided to sit on the rest. She suggested you used the remaining to buy clothes in UK and ship it down to her in Naija to sell, you sought further advise and found out about the lucrative car business.


You told her this, she "ignorantly" throws a tantrum that it will tie your money down, you forged on and a couple of months later approached her to share the joy with her that you were making a success of it, she coldly dismisses you that you are wasting your time. You press on yet again, and decide for the 3rd time to let her know how God has been good to you, she flares up and goes gutter on your ar'se and rubs your nose in it that she regrets choosing you i.e if her ex was still available, you would be a goner.


You relocated because of this ingrate to do introduction with only £2000 in your pocket because old age was creeping on her. She was privy to all the ordeals you went through to, to stand on your feet, now because she is 30 years old and wants to start a family, she wants you to leave your bouyant business to come back and become a jobseeker again in Naija. What are you going to start that family with? Don't tell me it is the £11,000 you are going to use to get married, rent a family home, start a business, repay your Mum's loan etc.


Your mind is made up. There is nothing no one can say to convince you to slow down on this relationship where you have been strung up by the balls and your woman is the one wearing the trousers and calling the shots despite the fact that you have been "carrying her along" with all your thought and plan.


Hmmm, it is well.













^{My gentle response was tailored to the small fact that you said you don't want us to insult "you", hence reason "she" was fair game I've got a few choice words for you too oh, but would rather prefer my knuckles to do justice to your soft head instead}

^^ Na wa o! Calm down & take it easy sister.

And here I was thinking na me get bad temper!