Nairaland Forum

This is a Supernatural fan fiction. Starring a cracky and semi-cute Lucifer.
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Day 1
The final seal broke. Freedom at last! Never playing hide and seek with Michael again. Whilst my imaginative hiding place in infernal pit was indeed stroke of genius, was wholly unprepared for him to lock door from other side and leave me there for 2,000+ years. How embarrassing.
No welcome party waiting for me. Utterly unimpressed.

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Day 3
Gossiping mongrels! Gabriel spread horrible humiliation of my imprisonment to the humans and mass-published it in their bible. Am now laughingstock. Resolve to erase humans from existence and kill Michael in horrible manner not dissimilarto being pushed into wood-chipping device. Just because Father liked me best, honestly. Thought he was supposed to be mature one.
Must really find vesselsoon. Flying about like Unclad beam of starshine is all well and good, but the screaming is wearingon my sensitive hearing. Do enjoy watching eyeballs burn, though. V. enjoyable.

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Day 5
Where is my vessel? Is vessel hiding?
Have resolved to use spare vessel, but suspect he is itchy and/or too small for me. Can't expect too much; humans rarely come in my size. Something utterly repulsive about slipping into living flesh suit through its facial orifices. The sacrifices I make for subterfuge. Got mucous in my feathers on the way in. Awful, awful humans.
This Sam Winchester eludes me yet. Pride slightly wounded thathe does not wish to be my vessel. Disappointed that he listens to gossip and hearsay about me. Really am not that bad, I don't think.

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Day 8
Horsemen raised: 1
Raised War! Ritual not difficult. Much harder winching shiny red automobile from infernal pit. V. annoying. Did not expect that. Now smell like grease. Unknown black grimeunder fingernails. How did it get there?
War v. pleased with his mechanical horse. Can have all the apples to himself now, he says. I can appreciate that. Apples v. delicious and good source of temptation.
Sent him to spark discord and make humans kill each other. In your facial region, Father!

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Day 12
Humans smited: 2
Dreams spied on: 1
Dear Heaven.
Sam Winchester is enormous.
Destiny has bequeathed me a luxury vessel. Extra wing space! Leg room! Am shaken andreverent. Hate Nick suddenly. Hate him. Hate his terrible clothes and sensitive skin. Think am getting rash not unlike leprosy.
Must woo Sam with talk of destiny and fate while dressed as dead girlfriend. Plan is flawless, yet slightly disturbing. Not sure am back on my game yet. Time will tell.

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Day 13
Humans smited: 0
Horsemen raised: 0
Dreams spied on: 1
Ended up in dream bed with luxury vessel. Made out withSam whilst pretending to be dead female significant other. Feelsullied. Self respect intatters.
Sam resists my advances so far. Is there something wrong with me? Think need publicist. Bad press about 'evil' Lucifer ruining chances for mass genocide. Will withdraw for now, use demons to do dirty work so as not to appear too clingy.

Day 27
Humans smited: 3 (Note to self: Don't 'slip out for a stretch' anymore)
Baptisms performed: 1
Dreams spied on: 0
Appear to have been given honorary local sainthood or some such after purifying open sewer by accident while looking for sacred oil in old Jerusalem tomb. V. amused. Asked to anoint squalling infant! These humans. Piss on a sheet in the shape of a crucifix and it's a sign. So desperate for proof offaith.
Tempted to pose as Proper Archangel and proclaim all humanityis doomed unless they talk backwards and eat nothing but rotten apples for all their days. Wish catholic Pope had been viable vessel. Could have had so much fun. Then again,old enough without looking actual age.
Picked minion demonto do dirty work. Meg.Daughter of Azazel? Wonder what incensehad been inhaled at her naming. For that matter, had no idea demons could procreate. Feel much like Father had when Lilith and Adam had relations. Horrified and elderly in face of smoky black infant demons.

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Day 45
Humans smited: 0
Times stopped self from picking at face: 37
Mirrors smashed: 2
Face peeling! Skin coming off!
I am hideous. Hate humans. Used to be so beautiful. Used to be glorious and adored. Now am fit for some travelling side-show for misshapen carnival folk.
Meg insists am still glorious. Lies, all of them. Horrid demons.Should never have created bunch of yes-men. Hollow praise terrible. Glad Michael cannot see my awful visage. Would be like pubescent years all over again. Hate Michael.
Sam would be honest.Might pay nightly dream visit and gauge response.
-Later-
Hate Sam Winchester.
Wish he'd say yes so I can sheathe self in hisperfect body already. Told Meg as much, received jealous pornographic reply.
Miss Michael. No one to play hide and seek with anymore. Also, would punch Sam in face for me. Am worried if I try it, willruin chances and possibly make leper hand drop off.
Do I have leprosy? Dear Heaven, am trapped in diseased wreckage of flesh. V. worried.

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Day 57
Humans smited: A lot
Horsemen raised: 1 (hands v. blistered from shovel)
Dreams spied on: 0
Met Dean Winchester today. Went well. Got shot in head with ridiculous gun, punched him hard enough he sailed intobushes. Hand did not drop off! Productive day.
Raised Death! Wish he'd eat more though,so skinny. Makes me feel fat in my rotting carcass of Nick. Seemslike he might have found comfort in eating whole pigs after death of wife and child.
Death claims lemon detox diet is doing wonders for his figure. Think he looks like pale twig, but know better than to mention it. Have learned tact after recipient of particularly dirty look from Sam Winchester when mentioned head looks like it had roadkill strapped to it.
Hair apparently v. touchy subject. Nick's hair is dry and stands up at front like meerkat sensing danger. Trying to plaster it down, limited success.
Perhaps is angel-related hairstyle? Castiel appears to have same trouble, and is much younger and weaker. Odd angel. Like him though. Wish I had trenchcoat. Look like out-of-work farmer.
Hate Nick.
Might take Death's advice.

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Day 58
Litres of detox mixture consumed: 37
Minutes spent vomiting: 13
Minutes spent horrified by involuntary bodily functions: Lost count
Pray for me.

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Day 60
Weight loss: 200g (Must be retaining fluid)
Mirrors smashed: 0
Dreams spied on: 1
Fear pharmacy-bought moisturiser Meg brought is not doing wonders for my combination skin. Damn my t-zone.
Find it continually perplexing that in themidst of Dean Winchester's hellish nightmares, occasionally a medical practitioner in leather boots will ride in on a horse andsave him.
Miss hell a little sometimes. Always warm there.

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Day 62
New blisters: 2 (Faulty vessel? Who to blame for this? Father?)
Bibles destroyed: 1
Human food eaten: 1 x Devil's food cake. (Misleading. Stomach cramps!)
Spent most of day underlining particularly infuriating passages in bible and composing angry speech to recite to Gabriel. Misinformation intolerable. Notice nothing in there of silly messenger angel delivering God'sWord a day late and causing fall of whole civilisation. Wrong address!
Where is Gabriel? Can't imagine he'd have stayed behind. Thought he liked me more than uptight Michael. I was funbrother. Now slandered and misunderstood by own family. Feel miserable.

Day 64
Mirrors smashed: 1
Slivers of glass pulled from palm: 7
Flintstones band-aids acquired: 2
Face still peeling. Other places too. Meg offers even now to 'cream up the oozy ones' but too ashamed to bare Nick's blistery leper body to her eyes. Hiding insecurity with manly disregard for looks.
Wish Sam Winchesterwas here. Why won't he say yes?
Perhaps should find self a cupid, force it to make Sam more receptive to vessel-related advances.
-Later-
Meeting with cupid could have gone better. First greeted by tubby Unclad angel,then sprayed in the eyes with holy oil when topic was broached.
Am not dirty Molester!
Terrible mood. Terrible.

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Day 65
Informed that demons have discovered 'King of Crossroads' Crowley has betrayed the cause!
Took demons days to work up nerve to tell me. V. amused. Saw itcoming though. Don't create race of selfish evil minions unless tolerant of betrayal, horrid black eyes and smirking.
Who is Crowley and why do I care? Puzzled, but Hellhound chase could be entertaining.
- Later -
Chase delayed while demons decide how best to stop hellhounds from attempting to mate with my leg.

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Day 84
Humans smited: 0
Horsemen raised: 0 (Pestilence refuses thus far. Keep summoning pools of phlegm!)
War returned to my side yesterday, askingfor new ring. Am I suddenly jeweller? No!
Told him such. silly horseman shouldn't have waved shiny ring around whilst looking devious. Asking for theft and/or amputated fingers.
Sent him back to hell to think about what he'd done.
So difficult to get good help. Would do own dirty work, but too...important.

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Day 103
Horsemen raised: 1
Famine stopped eating long enough toallow himself to be summoned. Seems to have same binge eating disorder as Death, only with unpleasant lung problems. Told him not to drink from same cup as Pestilence on poker night. Why does no one listen to me?
Will attend to this matter once in appropriate vessel. Feel unsuitable for giving speeches on living healthily whilstlooking like decomposing pizza creature. Sent him to eat souls and spread horrible vice hunger.

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Day 104
Famine is dead.
Managed to head off uncontrollable rage by sobbing furiously into hands, followed by going back in timeand punching Sam Winchester in his thirteen year-old face behind the bike shed. Also hid skunk in his backpack. Feel that perhaps Father had created foul-smelling animal specifically formy use at this time.
Even own vessel is thwarting me. Loatheto be properly angry with Sam Winchester,considering just blacked his eye for pulling demons out ofFamine. Perhaps is Famine's own fault for putting strange things in his mouth.
Plans all going awry. Only competent horseman is Death, and fear he has not forgiven me for tricking him into submission. Not my fault gullible Death fell for slave potion disguised as diet shake.

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Day 115
Humans killed: 15
Introspective thoughts: 9
Spent a pleasant day flaying humans alive in tiny nondescript town whilst Meg consulted something called Google for information on 'evil' Lucifer.
Discovered that most commonly recognisedappearance is a red-skinned goat-man with pitchfork and tail. I consider this proof that a single bad fashion choice can hound you forever.
Also, apparently the greatest trick I ever pulled was convincing the humans I do not exist.While this was complete accident Meg declares this to be clever, but v. untrue. Would have far less trouble with pesky humans if they thought I did all the things in the movies. Personal favourite is impregnating screaming women. If I wanted to rule the world, why create abomination creatureto do it? Do it myself!
Why would I put up with hassle of rearingcrazed evil child? Have enough hassle just trying to manage buttons on shirt. So many buttons.
Suddenly regret teaching humans of Unclothedness and shame. Clothing so bothersome. Then again, do hide imperfections. V. torn on subject.

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Day 131
Sam Winchester's dreams have grown dark of late. An interesting turn of events. Doubt, fear, guilt, all present but the foundation of his determination to refuse me at all costs remains strong. Vexing.
Sent Death to stir up some trouble. With luck might 'accidentally' kill DeanWinchester and Michael won't notice.
-Later-
Death's master plan consisted of v. badly raising the dead to torment wheelchair bound old man. Excused his poor formwith zombie marathon on cable channel night before.
Really?
It's diet shake tantrum all over again, I know it.
Time to yank Pestilence out of the pit.

Day 148
Today, I found my brother Gabriel.
Today, I killed him.
Mostly.
As it turns out, he really did learn all his tricks from me.
Slipped on well-placed banana peel as I left. Ankle v. sore.

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Day 167
Gallons of demon blood consumed: 16
Bathroom breaks: 4
Victory is at hand. If the timelines are to be trusted, if prophecy and destiny and fate cross lines ina single point in time,this is to be it.
Today is the day I acquire my vessel. Sam Winchester is coming for me.
Of course, him havingthe key to my cage might be v. problematic, if Death hadn't given me the finger during an argument yesterday and forgotten he'd given his ring away (presumably to Dean Winchester). Subterfuge is a lost art.
Good feeling about things. Soon I will inherit the earth, and Father shall be v. cross. Then again, should not leave unruly children in charge while go on mystical journey to find self, should you Father?
Stomach cramps again. Bad blood?
Need bathroom again, then victory and grand conquering.

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Day 168
Victories won: 0
Cities conquered: 0
Victim of cruel vessel trick: 1
Times stuck in blastedcage with straight-laced older brother: 1
Scuffles broken out: 16
Well this is just perfect.
V. displeased. Shall take anger out on Sam Winchester immediately.

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Day 169
Bleep YOU CASTIEL.

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FIN!

I think Lucifer in Supernatural is quirky cute too. Nice diary