.

How about you start by just being yourself. You are worrying your pretty head over nothing. My advise to you is the next time you want to get married, marry a man that is able to provide a three square meal[b](without you contributing a dime)[/b] for his family and a little on the side to spoil his wife with.

Now with the above bold part, am not telling you not to contribute in the marriage but that you weigh his finance and see if he is an average earner capable of taking care of you even if God forbid you lose your job tomorrow.

When people say you should lower your standards, perhaps what they really mean is that you should be more open minded and allow potential relationships to develop organically.

Character is the most important thing to look out for in the man you want. With a good character comes the knowledge that he needs to be a responsible and productive member of society. In practically all such instances, a man like that is able to take care of his family.

Hi. I'm a guy, young enough to know that mad rush of love that makes you think you can take on anything just cos you love, and old enough to know that love is way beyond just emotions.

I'm gonna just lay it out. There's more to this thing you want than what you feel. Marriage is more than a contract, more than a promise and more than a need. It's agreement. I don't know if you know any carpentry, but I hope that you can appreciate the analogy I'm about to use. There is such a thing as the dovetail joint. One element (that is, one piece of wood) is shaped uniquely (as far as I know the shape resembles a dove's tail) and another is hollowed out in the same shape. When the two are shaped with the same exact measurements, there isn't much need for things like nails and glue to hold them together. It's less carpentry as we know it today and more woodcraft. It takes a real master at the craft to fit elements like that seamlessly such that the joint never fails. Now if one element had been wood and the other metal, I'm sure you know that wouldn't work. Even woods of different types might have a hard time maintaining the strength of the joint, but that is my opinion not being a woodworker.

My point? You have to take your time to pull yourself together and learn to know who you are in the Lord (I saw a post of yours where you said you're a Christian). Learn what value your life and existence represents and revel in that value. It's really interesting how men (I'm one, remember) gravitate to girls that are cognizant of their own value without being arrogant. Of course we do so for different reasons, sometimes to devalue the girl (and if the value is built on a foundation like Christ, the result is usually a woeful fail on the part of the guy), other times to increase it with our own value. For men, there's nothing more refreshing and invigorating than a girl who's her own. You know you have to work to have her, but that once you get her she's yours, and, sweetness of all sweetnesses, you just can't ever take her for granted because she has a natural culture of development that keeps her bettering herself and growing herself everyday. It's impossible to fall out of love with someone like that. It's like taking home a pot plant and putting it in a garden with all the nutrition you can afford and waking up everyday to see it grow even more in beauty and in glory.

It is very important that you learn who you are independent of a man, what you are capable of and what you have disinclination to. If you don't, you'll never be able to truly submit to a man in the home. That's because submission is not, "yes, my lord husband, anything you say". Submission is taking full stock of who you are and what you believe in and choosing to help your husband represent all of that. Sometimes, he may fail at doing so, submission then would be to ask him why. I assure you that men don't want pets in their wives (whatever we might say). Any true believer knows that the wife's submission is possible only because she is equal to the man. You ought to be able to say to your husband, "this is what we stand for" both as encouragement and as gentle rebuke. If you don't know what you yourself stand for, then who would the "we" there be?

Know who you are in Christ, embrace it with joy and give the man you want a chance to do the same. Don't lay yourself on the ground to be walked over and say you're submitting to the head and lord of the home. It'll only create spite and frustration in you and belligerence in him. This does not mean that you need to learn to mouth off and to hold your ground. No. It means you need to know what your purpose in life is and marry another whose purpose is the same. If not, you'll have to either keep defering to them or they will to you: you'll end up with a lopsided house of frustrations.

I'm sorry for the lengthy epistle. It's just that your situation is urgent to me. You shouldn't be hunting for prospective husbands now. You should be building your life and giving your son the sweetest, wisest experience of life at the same time. A husband should, in a way, happen to you in the course of things. I mean, you see that the best companion on a journey is usually someone heading the same way you are already, and the most likely place to meet them is on the way.

My prayers are with you, my sister. But meantime, consider my exhortation. Set about discovering that career that makes your heart beat, that business that gives you joy, that endeavor that allows you to build value into lives other than yours. You never know who you find in the guy you say good morning to everyday Cheers and God's grace to you.

@Cindy.

It's hard for anyone with a shred of compassion not to feel touched by your story.

I know a lot of things are easier said than done, especially if one hasn't been in that situation before. Life itself is a constant learning process. Nobody ever knows it all. Nobody ever stops learning. Sometimes when bad things happen to us, it helps to look back and learn from our past mistakes, what led to them, and how we can avoid falling victim to them again. Nevertheless, while reading your post a couple of things came to mind if you don't mind my asking you:

Maturity: How old were you both when you got married? It's a well known fact that (most) girls tend to mature quicker than their male counterparts of the same age. But even then, individuals do tend to differ. Did you really get to study him properly? See how he reacted to certain issues as and when they arose?

Dating: How long did you both date each other for? A lot of what makes us who we are is our background and up-bringing. What was his background like? How were things between his parents? Going by what you've written, I think your ex had a lot of inferiority complex / self-worth issues. I know some men find it hard to accept, if their wives earn more than them. This leads to a build up of frustrations and I'm not surprised this was expressed to you by him being verbally abusive - and eventually physically abusive.

Education: I really must ask this of you Cindy, but did this man go to school? I mean it beats me that anyone who passed through the four walls of uni could do what he did to you. I do apologize if you find this question offensive, but no offence intended...

I know a past such as what you've described is bound to be painful, but turn it into something positive and learn from it. A very big positive from this is your son. You are truly blessed. Focus your energies on him, teach him right from wrong, how to respect women, how to go out in the world and make it for himself when the time comes.

Now, to the question you asked. Don't even think of lowering your standards. It'll make you look and sound desperate. Just be honest and true to yourself and any decent man would see and recognize that. I think you did what you did to make your marriage grow. You weren't afraid to knuckle down and get involved in building up your home from scratch. Not many girls these days would do that. It takes a lot of trust in your partner to be able to do all of what you did. It's just unfortunate that your ex just wasn't the right person for you.

And finally take heart. As a Christian, hold firm to your faith and believe the lord's time is the best.

Now how can i reduce my standards again when i already went that far yet the marriage became a mess?
What is there to lower again?
Should i now accept marriage proposal from any man that comes my way all because i want to lower my standards? I went quite far with Mr ex, i am regretting it, so how do i go from here? Am really confused on this whole relationship things and i'm terribly scared of making mistakes again.

Please the married and single men and women alike should "educate" me on what lowering of standards and humility mean, Because i believe i already lowered them for ex. Personally i believe its better i stepped up but some persons disagree.

Deep and familiar!

Claus has done a great job summarizing the answer to your question.
I, however, think it's time to step up and set or reset a standard. There's a point you reach, and you can't go lower than that. . . and, perhaps, can't remain there either.

OP, I think it is time to raise your standards. If you are a good-enough woman, I think there will be a good man out there that will accept you and your daughter willingly.

That your story is something else!

@ pretty c,just be ur self.. my dear,ur story is really touching.
u dont av to change ur gr8 personality,because of ur past..it is obvious ur ex, wasnt man enuf to knw ur worth.
i blv,if ur mr right comes,he will be so gr8ful to God,4 findin a virtuous woman

@Poster, looks like you've learnt your lesson well. You've being there and I know you sure don't want go back there again. . . . ooooh no. Aim HIGH, remember its all about you, you aint nobody's fool. Act like a Queen and they'll treat you like one.

My dear just be your true self. You don't need to lower standards or anything for that matter.
Take each day as it comes and don't be in a hurry.

Hear, girl? Everyone else is telling you the same: RAISE THEM STANDARDS, SIS. Pick the next guy on your own terms! that's actually the sum of that long lecture of mine

@PrettyCindy
Let me be very frank with you, no pun intended. After reading your post, I have an idea of your personality.

note-1) That you are always SWEARING even when you write is an indication that you feel insecure about yourself. I wonder what you would do if you were to verbally narrate your story to a listening audience. Whether we swear from now till eternity, should we believe you or disbelieve your story?

Insecurity makes people suck up to others, as if they cant be by themselves, as if something is missing in them without the other party.

From your post, I gather:
- you feel you have done everything you should do,
- you feel you have measured up to the level of his expectation,
- you feel that what you have endured is enough, by your actions in both time and space to convince him of your love,
I can continue, but let me stop there.

We are all human - so you have a right to feel every way you do, but in a sense you dont. Rather than allowing the feeling of "I have done all that I could do" to becloud your thoughts, why not ask yourself "what else could I do?". True love gives but isnt stupid. Ofcourse, this now applies for the future not for the past. Ive heard stories just like yours where the guy is devastated after his girl quits, and he begins to iterate all the sacrifices he has made.

note-2) Never assume: from your post, you tried to please him tooooooo much. You tried to do everything in your capacity to make things work. The time you were acting someone else was more than the time you were just yourself(like everybody has said). Overtime, perhaps, while you thought you were working for your marriage, he misunderstood your actions that your motives were different. Note, he misunderstood. Many times, its better to always take a break and try to see ourselves from someone else's point of view. What does my actions portray about me carries more weight than what I want to portray with my actions.

Men do not like desperate women, women do not like desperate men. Even when husby and wifey are still together, if one is more desperate about something, he/she ends up causing a major problem.

note-3) let me say this in street language: Stop carrying marriage on your head. A lot of females fall into this category. They feel their life is complete with a man, and without one, they are grossly disadvantaged. Perhaps its as a result of upbringing, I dunno. Its a problem of the mind. You were a complete human being before you got married so what makes you incomplete after he decided to leave?

Theres nothing wrong with you if you're married, there is nothing wrong with you if you're not, there is nothing wrong with you as a single mother, there is nothing wrong with you as a single father. Live your life, raise your shoulders high and breath in and out fresh air.

Would you ever find love again as a single mum?

Should you be looking for the next love or living your life. My sister, desperation will lead you to the wrong people. Take your mind off the issue, lighten up and go about as a normal person, thats when men would notice you. In fact, thats when you'll have an array of choices, and suddenly you would be at a level where you can see beyond their woos for what you really want.

Lowering your standards? forget that grammar - just be yourself. Get over it. Have fun, go out with your kid, this is a time of yourlife you would never have with your kid/s again. Your kids(he/she) is all you have now, and vice-versa, so make the best of it. Trust me, if a man comes into the picture today, things will change.

If a guy comes around and sees that mother and kid are getting on fine, living as if nothing else mattered, he will be on his knees begging to come into the picture. But if he sees "I am looking for a man" written all over your 4-head, he'll take the next okada in the opposite direction.

And please, rather than opening threads on NL about the possibility of finding true love, as much as your story is appreciated, why not go open a website on how to be the best single mother out there.

p.s: a study done in the US concluded that the number of men who visited single mom websites was 3times the number of women. What are they looking for? single moms who have their shoulders high.

Before I reply, I want to apologise to my people here for my long absence, so many things happening all at once, had a Baby Boy and some other very pressing issues that need our full attention.
Pretty Cindy, this post is really important, a friend came visiting and showed me this post had to use her phone to read and post.
Sweetheart, I totally get you, but all I can say is chill. When you divorce its not a time to rush back into trying to "get" a man but time to seat back, get your life back, build up your esteem and in your case raise your baby. Divorced women are very vulnerable at this stage.
We feel like failures we look for someone or something to give us that lost part back especially in cases of extreme abuse and adultery.
When I divorced so many men came with the intention of just sleeping with me because they feel divorce women and easy prey and sweety you will get loads of such men. The truth dear is relax, its "he who finds a wife" not "she who searches for a husband"
Take time out dear, rebuild your self, take care of your baby, find fun stuff to do, enjoy this time out of not being on anyones beck and call. The 3 years between my divorce and remarriage were some of the best years I had and also the worst, my first time living alone, my time of self discovery. Yet it can be lonely and cold.
You should be lifting your standard now not lowering it, you were with someone who didn't derseve you, now if you intend to remarry it should be with someone who deserves your love, you have been there done that, this shouldn't be another trial and error, be your self, have fun, love and care for yourself and your child, a happy personailty will attract the right man, plus self esteem and self value is a must have.
Please take it easy ko. There is a perfect time and place for everything and every one.
I have missed you guys, all of you oh

Thank you all for your honest thoughts.
@efemena, i was 26years while he was 33years old and i don't look older than my age. We dated for 3 months. He is an orphan and from a polygamous home where they are 26 children. He is a graduate............and no, your questions are not offensive at all.

@claus, i will certainly be more careful and observant next time.

@Ihedinobi, i laughed when i read your statement "hunting for husbands". Abeg i am not hunting for husbands ooo! I may have been desperate before but now, i can assure you that i am not. And my son is the sole occupant of heart, he has all my love, energy and my all. He is my life, light and happiness.
Presently am searching for a good job but in the mean time, i'm using this opportunity to start my business. I have always had a passion for baking. I used to do it for fun but now i have started baking cakes (birthdays and weddings) for business. Till i get a job, this business will help keep me busy.

@mpmp, thanks for your "brutality". I used the swearing words because on the other thread, some persons said i was lieing and making things up just to make ex look bad and make people pity me. Well i guess i wanted everyone to know that all i have said here are true.

@debrief, congratulations on the delivery of your baby any. We thank God mother and child are ok.

Good

@ poster,am going to be very honest with u and i hope u take my suggestions.1.NEVER u lower ur standards for any one,man or woman,ur standard is ur identity n ur mini life policy dat u should follow 1oo% irrespective of how anyone feels about it.now d disadvantages of lowering ur standards are what u are experiencing.even d bible has said it.it said "do not cast ur pearls bfor d swines,otherwise dey will trample it and attack u",when u lower ur standards,ure only givin anybody whether ur ex husband or whoever d opportunity to devalue u and trample on u..now d deed has been done and i sympathise with u.my advise for u is to invest into d life of ur son,mould him into d man u want him to be,educate him,show him motherly love,give him financial freedom n forget about men for a long time.see ur son as ur husband,d only difference is dat u cant have sex with him,when u do all dis,u're living ur life and guess what,ure getin a life to have a life,ur standard is ur world and ure livin in it and if any man CANNOT meet up to ur standard just let him go because a man dat is not up to ur standard will never appreciate ur value.thirdly a

Thanks alot Kulye. I learnt my lessons the hard way. I was trying hard to make my marriage work but only i was in the wrong marriage. You know, my ex used to boast that i will never be able to leave him no matter what he did to me. When i finally seperated from him, he told me i was lucky he haven't 'tied' me yet. Well, it is well.

@Mpmp I'ld kiss you if I could see you. (And if I could be sure you aint a guy!)

This is why people see only the bad side of marriage. Cos couples jump in for all the wrong reasons. Guys feel they are of age, pressure from mama's building, girls feel they're getting too old, society is looking down on them etc etc etc

Forget about looking for a husband. Take care of ur kid. Your profile picture sugests you're doing well for yourself. work hard at it. And let tomorrow take care of itself.

@OP
your problem is very simple: lowering your standard was to GET YOU A DECENT MAN, but it was in no way going to keep you and that said man happy forever after. here is a clue: if you never loved him, then chances are it would never have worked. if you never respected him as a person, then chances are it would never have worked. if you never understood him, then chances are it would never have worked.

straight from the get go there were issues upon issues in your r/ship, what did you guys do to FIX THEM, let alone find any time to be HAPPY together?!

i am feeling that you only lowered your standards because you were desperate for marriage, and nothing else. the fact that you didnt mention ANYTHING positive whatsoever about this ex-husband of yours (yet gladly and quickly married him), points in that direction!

ps go back and read your post to see how you were quick to show all the "supposedly" efforts you made to lower yourself to his level, yet only mentionned the faults he had/did.....kinda bias dont you think?! if that man did NOTHING right, then why did you take the mature decision to marry this "donkey"?

Na wa ooo

@Lewis, i sat on the passenger side o. No be my car oooo! My own de com in Jesus name, amen.
@mrbrownjay, thanks. I married him because i was in love with him and thought i had a future with him. You probably missed the part where i said i was ready to start from scratch with him. I made alot of mistakes in my "desperation" and it landed me where i am now.
I don't expect everyone to believe my story. Anyway thanks for your post. Got a few things from it.

@Lewis, i sat on the passenger side. No be my car oooo! My own de com in Jesus name, amen.
@mrbrownjay, thanks. I married him because i was in love with him and thought i had a future with him. You probably missed the part where i said i was ready to start from scratch with him. I made alot of mistakes in my "desperation" and it landed me where i am now.
I don't expect everyone to believe my story. Anyway thanks for your post. Got a few things from it.

Unless he's not as educationally sound as you are, both of you are on the same level, you didn't [i]lower [/i]anything. Wetin be 45,000 naira?
Anyway you were desperate to be a Mrs. . . Hard to admit, I know.
They say the first step to recovery is admitting you have a problem. The problem here is desperation.
I find it hard to believe you did not harangue this man (of which he utmostly deserves). I would have applauded you if you did. You mean a man who took your money to pay your own bride price, abused you and you just kept quiet. Incredible!!!

Anyway, you don't lower standards on character.

@stillwater, believe it or not i didn't harangue him. Of course 45k is small thing. I stated it in my story for clarity. I gave in to pressure from my mum who wouldn't let me be in the name of "i am old enough to be a grandma". And yes as hard as it is to admit, i acted foolishly and was desperate which he saw and took advantage of. Thanks all the same. Lesson learnt.

You are a strong woman. A man worthy of you will come our way soon.

jennykadry: You are a strong woman. A man worthy of you will come our way soon.

a woman I recently met had this belief 10 yrs ago, till date, she has not found a worthless man, let alone meet a worthy man. as the world turns....eligible men are getting ever so scarce! i know what the op deserves is encouragement but we shouldn't exaggerate by building high hopes. it's mad difficult out there to cop a husband!

My post is biblical. I believe her heart desire will be granted. It happened to someone you know doesn't mean the same will happen to her. If he did it for someone I know, he can do it for
@pretty
God will send your man, be strong

jennykadry: My post is biblical. I believe her heart desire will be granted. It happened to someone you know doesn't mean the same will happen to her. If he did it for someone I know, he can do it for @ pretty

that's the spirit, i love your optimism!

Jenny thanks.
@Coogar, the honest fact is that i would love to be married someday to a deserving man and be the best wife i can be. Haven't said that, being a Mrs is not the ultimate in life (experience taught me well). I won't go to heaven if i am a Mrs but full of sins. I would rather i make heaven being single than being in a marriage that frustrates one to the point of suicide and end up in hell! Everyone have their individual lucks and destinies. That two friends started medical school together does not mean that they will both graduate. One may be withdrawn along the line. That is life.
I am very much aware what its like out there for singles both male and female. What matters most to me is what God says about me and his will for me. For all i care let there be only one bachelor in the whole of africa..............if he is that deserving man that God is sending my way, then he is mine (lol). I didn't let God guide and direct me before but now, no matter how long it takes, he is in control. That being said, i am soooooo happy, living my life and having the best, i mean the very best of time with my baby.

Jenny thanks.
@Coogar, the honest fact is that i would love to be married someday to a deserving man and be the best wife i can be. Haven't said that, being a Mrs is not the ultimate in life (experience taught me well). I won't go to heaven if i am a Mrs but full of sins. I would rather i make heaven being single than being in a marriage that frustrates one to the point of suicide and end up in hell! Everyone have their individual lucks and destinies. That two friends started medical school together does not mean that they will both graduate. One may be withdrawn along the line. That is life.
I am very much aware what its like out there for singles both male and female. What matters most to me is what God says about me and his will for me. For all i care let there be only one bachelor in the whole of africa..............if he is that deserving man that God is sending my way, then he is mine (lol). I didn't let God guide and direct me before but now, no matter how long it takes, he is in control. That being said, i am soooooo happy, living my life and having the best, i mean the very best of time with my baby.

Jenny thanks.
@Coogar, the honest fact is that i would love to be married someday to a deserving man and be the best wife i can be. Haven't said that, being a Mrs is not the ultimate in life (experience taught me well). I won't go to heaven if i am a Mrs but full of sins. I would rather i make heaven being single than being in a marriage that frustrates one to the point of suicide and end up in hell! Everyone have their individual lucks and destinies. That two friends started medical school together does not mean that they will both graduate. One may be withdrawn along the line. That is life.
I am very much aware what its like out there for singles both male and female. What matters most to me is what God says about me and his will for me. For all i care let there be only one bachelor in the whole of africa..............if he is that deserving man that God is sending my way, then he is mine (lol). I didn't let God guide and direct me before but now, no matter how long it takes, he is in control. That being said, i am soooooo happy, living my life and having the best, i mean the very best of time with my baby.