A police recruit was asked during the exam,
"What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?"
He said,
"Call for backup."
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A Sunday school teacher asked the children just before she dismissed them to go to church, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"
Annie replied, "Because people are sleeping."
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A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem. A small child replied:
"because They couldn't get a baby sitter."
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A little girl became restless as the preacher's sermon dragged on and on.
Finally, she leaned over to her mother and whispered,
"Mommy, if we give him the money now, will he let us go?"
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Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging about their fathers.
The first boy says, "My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50."
The second boy says, "That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100."
The third boy says, "I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon. And it takes eight people to collect all the money!"
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An elderly woman died last month. Having never married, she requested that there be no male pallbearers.
In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she wrote,
"They wouldn't take me out while I was alive, I don't want them to take me out when I'm dead."
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I was out walking with my then 4 year old da*ghter. She picked up something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth. I asked her not to do that.
"Why?" she asked.
"Because it's been laying outside and is dirty and probably has germs."
At this point, she looked at me with total admiration and asked,
"Wow! How do you know all this stuff?" '
"Uh," I was thinking quickly, "every mommy knows this stuff. Um, it's on the Mommy test. You have to know it, or they don't let you be a Mommy."
"Oh."
We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently pondering this new information.
"I get it!" she beamed. "Then if you flunk, you have to be the Daddy."
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Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother,
"Why is the bride dressed in white?"
"Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life."
The child thought about this for a moment, then said,
"So why is the groom wearing black?"
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A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as she could, trying not to be late for Bible class.
As she ran she prayed, "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late! Dear Lord, please don't let me be late!" While she was running and praying, she tripped on a curb and fell, getting her clothes dirty and tearing her dress. She got up, brushed herself off, and started running again. As she ran she once again began to pray,
"Dear Lord, please don't let me be late. But please don't shove me either!"
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This morning on the way to work I rear-ended a car at a stop light while not really paying attention.
Anyway the fellow who was driving got out,
And he was a dwarf.
He said "I'm not happy".
I said "Well which one are you then ?
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Working at an airline ticket counter, I pulled up a passenger's reservation that showed his name as "Cole, Pheven."
"I'D like to be certain our information is correct," I said to him. "What is your first name?"
"It's Stephen," he replied. "I hope the reservation agent got it right. I told him it's spelled with a ph."
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The third grade class was being given a course in first aid. The question was asked,
"What would you do if you had a younger sibling who swallowed a house key?"
After a pause, one of the students answered,
"Easy! I'D climb through the window!"
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When the light changed, Maurice stepped off the curb and started to cross the street. He had to jump backward when an SUV almost hit him. The woman inside calmed the nine kids she was transporting from the soccer match. Then she asked Maurice if he was okay.
"Lady!" he yelled. "Don't you know when to stop?"
She yelled back, "They're not all mine!"
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This guy walks into a psychiatrist's office.
"Doc," he says, "I'm worried. It's that dream. I'm having it again."
"What dream?" asked the shrink.
"You know, the one where I'm into sadism and bestiality and necrophilia. Should I be worried or am I just beating a dead horse?"
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A driver is stuck in a traffic jam going into Downtown Chicago. Nothing is moving north or south. Suddenly a man knocks on his window.
The driver rolls down his window and asks, "What happened, what's the hold up?"
"Terrorists have kidnapped Hillary Clinton, Rosie O'Donnell, Jesse Jackson, and Al Sharpton. They are asking for a $10 million ransom. Otherwise they are going to douse them with gasoline and set them on fire. So we are going from car to car, taking up a collection."
The driver asks, "On average, how much is everyone giving?"
"About a gallon."
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Whether a man winds up with the nest egg or a goose egg depends a lot on the kind of chick he marries.
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Sex is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.
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In Arkansas, they put out whole flocks of trailer houses as decoys to attract tornadoes away from more valuable property.
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A foolish husband remarks to his wife: "Honey, you stick to the washin', ironin', cookin', and scrubbin'. No wife of mine is going to work.
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Saturday morning I got up early, put on my long johns, dressed quietly, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, slipped quietly into the garage to hook the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.
There was snow mixed with the rain and the wind was blowing 50 mph. I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."
She sleepily replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that shit."
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If you let a smile be your umbrella, then most likely your butt will get soaking wet.
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When the light changed, Maurice stepped off the curb and started to cross the street. He had to jump backward when an SUV almost hit him. The woman inside calmed the nine kids she was transporting from the soccer match. Then she asked Maurice if he was okay.
"Lady!" he yelled. "Don't you know when to stop?"
She yelled back, "They're not all mine!"
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