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diva11 (f)
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THINGS WE’VE LEARN’T FROM, NOLLYWOOD
1. Every problem you have is spiritual.
2. In every romance movie, someone must die.
3. It is possible to hit a person without actually touching them!
4. Anyone who gets hit by a car dies immediately.
5. Poisoned food tastes better…
6. The best way to make money is by visiting a ‘Babalawo’.
7. At least one of a pair of twins (identical or not) is born evil.
8. There is never an end to your suffering, except death!
9. With a pastor… all things are possible
10. A movie can be titled anything… such as – the boy is mine, Two rats, Spanner, Calculator,
11. A movie has not been made if at least one actor/actress has not- ‘shelled’, twisted his/her lips to speak wrong phonetics’,
12. You are in love… you want to take your girl out, the best place you take her to is… Mr. Biggs, Tantalizers, the beach or the best- take her to buy some new ugly clothes.
13. An Igbo movie has been made if…
• You visit a ‘Babalawo’
• A fleet of cars is shown off
• Kanayo ‘O’ Kanayo is in the movie, Pete Udocie is also there too!
• To get rich it is mandatory you join a cult
14. Gun shots and Knock-out sound the same!
15. Most times the title has absolutely nothing to do with the movie.
16. A love story has not been produced if it does not have one or two of the following cast actresses-
• Stella Damascus
• Stephanie Okereke
• Genevieve Nnaji
• Omotola Jalade
• Rita Dominic
17. The police are extremely ‘efficient’ unlike their counterparts in real life…
18. An actress can wear the same hairdo for more than a year…
19. It is permissible to wear very dark shades in the night!
20. When you are shot in the chest, it really doesn’t matter; your head will be bandaged! Same for your legs!
21. When advertising a movie, you really should shout because… people are deaf?
22. When you are extremely poor, you will still be able to afford- very good furniture, T.V., but you won’t be able to send your kids to school
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rikkyjen (m)
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Good compilation, you left me reeling with laughter  |
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larger_20 (m)
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i don't really get the concept of nollywood
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Zahymaka (m)
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I really, really love this. Up Nollywood.
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hot-angel (f)
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I really, really love this. Up Nollywood.
You meant DOWN nollywood? |
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Zahymaka (m)
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Just being sarcastic |
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IBB Fan (m)
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no be lie u talk, diva11.
1 more thing, when Kanayo O. Kanayo is always a cultist in a movie and must show off wit exotic cars, large mansions, high class fabric (all kinds) and spread dollars like paper. maybe that's why he's my favorite naija actor. go check the movie; BILLIONAIRE'S CLUB.
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omogenaija (f)
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i have others when your spouse says "mo ti se e (i have wronged u)"and "when i tell u what i did then u must forgive me". that means that person has cheated on you and if your a girl then your man has gotten someone pergnant(or the guy will bring his family to you and they will be nice to you and then they will tell you that he has gotten someone pergnant ). and if your a man then the baby that you thought is yours isnt yours. but nollywood has taught me that familiy memebers should stay out of your love life because they always mess it up. and last but not least my mother in-law is going to be my best friend  |
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IBB Fan (m)
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omogenaija, i like your closing remarks (having your mother-in-law as your best friend). let's get married. what say you?
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LoverBwoy (m)
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when someone gets shot blood comes out of the mouth a second later you can alway see the cameraman's shadow on the wall,mirror, shades  , floor you know the end of the films before u insert the "Disc B" You can act 1million film with the same look n style, they don't shave,(that igbo man with beards plays cult leader mostly) , they don't change names, BaBA suwe, Pa kasumu, You will be cured of all your illness as long as u pay the hospital first, if u dnt pay , "Ha!!! ayam sorry, Take Heart" , then the doctor leaves u alone Hospitals are always one bedroom u will always get drip no matter what your illness is  the director is the producer , he/she is also the main actor, who is always playing the role of th good guy u never edit a phonetic mistake u just correct urselve n move on when a young guy/girl leave the village for lagos, s/he is goin to make it big as a prostitue or a cultist |
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misslady (f)
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too funny!!!
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Dauda (m)
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Nollywood is annoying. Everytime I'm forced to watch one, I cry inside because of the stupid plot and unreal situations that they come up with. They are just too predictable. However, my African friends (non- Nigerians) love them to death.
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Zahymaka (m)
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That's one thing I've never understood -- what makes other Africans love our movies?
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gigitte (f)
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i looooooooooove #12
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otokx (m)
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@Dauda, who forced you to watch those crap? its dangerous to your health.
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Badman888 (m)
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Every movie is predictible
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Orikinla (m)
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I have been with Nollywood from the beginning as an observer. I knew Kanayo O.Kanayo at the Radio Nigeria in Ikoyi before he showed up in Nollywood. Anyone who does not know me in Nollywood is either a new actor or a nobody. I left when the <<snip>> traders became producers. The <<snip>> traders were importers of video cassettes of low quality and they wanted to sell more of these cassettes. They soon found out that to put serio-comic drama of their social and cultural backgrounds in the cassettes would be very lucrative. The poverty-stricken actors and actresses who were hanging around TV Studios must have been starving/fasting and praying for the miracle and as usual the typical Nigerian GIGO became the order of the day. And Nollywood was born! Idle Videographers and Hungry actors + <<snip>> Traders and Intellectual illiterates=Nollywood. 99% of them have no respect for professional dignity, integrity or nobility. Just show them the money and they will act any role. They are not different from prostitutes. I call them Nollywood prostitutes. But, I have decided to tolerate them and trying our best to separate the sheep from the goats. We have very good Nigerian filmmakers like Remi Adefarasin, Adaora Nwandu, Mildred Okwo, Faruk Lasaki, Mak Kusare and others who have taken over from Ola Balogun and Ladi Ladebo and they are going to improve the quality of movies in Nigeria. Aready, our prodction company Ark Resources Entertainment (ARE) is leading the way. But, we are not using any of the Nollywood actors or actresses. Because, we don't need them in our present projects. Our standards are very high. |
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gidig (m)
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Yes, why do other Africans love Nollywood so much.learnt that Geneveive is asupre celebrity in Ghana.
Me thinks that the resaon why all these goes on is because very creative and capable people have not started going into the industry.They are the one who will raise the bar.Just like the banking industry in the days on 'tally number' and the changes that the new generation bank brought. In our music industry, the standards are being raised gradually with quality artistes coming up now and then like 2 face,Asa, Lagabja etc.Even our musical videos are really improving.
It is my conviction that Nollywood (why they settled for that name is bizzare-permananetly under Hollywood's shadows) will be changed by a new generation of practioners.you never can tell, they may come from this forum!!
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IBB Fan (m)
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@gidig
In India, they have their own as Bollywood.
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exu (m)
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This may be off topic but could someone please explain this Intellectual illiterates What exactly is an intellectual illiterate? Saying it's an oxymoron is not an explanation. So? |
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gidig (m)
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@ IBB
India have their own Bollywood! true but must every film indutsry be described by something that looks like Hollywood? These are creative people and creativity is al about distinction.That is an identity problem.we have a rich culture that can fuel a truly Nigeriacentric name.
Look at SA, one of their annual conferenfce is called 'Sithengi' and the also have a world recognised 'design Indaba'.
Imagine everyone in the movie world coining a name from Hollywood. Rwanda-Rwanwood, Somalia-Somawood.
I think came from a reference made by a CNN reporter about Nigeria's home video industry and she said Nollywood as an extension of the fame Bollywood.Kia, the name stuck and an industry in search of an identity was christened.
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Piddo (m)
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Awesome, !!!!! |
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Orikinla (m)
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If you are not an intellectual.
You could be literate, but lacking intellectual knowledge of the Arts and Culture.
If most of the Nollywood producers and directors have intellectual knowledge of film making and the the cinema, they will not make all the mistakes and blunders they have been making in their screenplays, speech, interpretation of roles and photography/cinematography.
Most of them don't have Casting Directors and Speech Directors.
Have you seen movies like "A Beautiful Mind", "The Sixth Sense" or "The Cider House Rules" in Nollywood?
Even if they try to produce similar films in Nollywood, I doubt if they can write the right dialogue and choose the right actors with the right diction.
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tatenda
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Dauda, the non Nigerians who love those movies do not have any other alternatives, i used to watch them on a daily basis until i started noting all the flaws mentioned above, thats when i realise these producer or whatever u want to call them are taking a chance with people, its all about juju as u call it and its starting to give us non Nigerians the perceptin that Nigerians are evil people which is very wrong,
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jajaopobo (m)
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Nollywood is a child of circumstance. The fact that the proponents are prospering despite the lack of quality and ingenuity of their products is a testament to the level of mental sophistication of the buying populace - the average Nigerian. Mind you the members of this forum probably do not constitute what you would call the 'average Nigerian'. So while there is general condemnation of the nollywood phenomenon in forums like this, I dare say that the industry will continue to flourish without any noticeable improvement in film/movie quality until such a time as when the 'average Nigerian' will be sophisticated enough to sufficiently distinguish between good quality and mediocrity.
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sade511 (f)
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These things are so true. LOL  . Ya forgot to mention you have sex with all you clothes on. |
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Zahymaka (m)
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That's right. Instead of dimimng the lights and allowing us to hear only moans, you see two fully-clothed humans intertwined in such a way that their chests don't even touch and the next thing you hear is that the girl is pregnant.
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sade511 (f)
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Yeah.
I can't look at this thread without laughing.
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