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tufe (m)
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for wetin na?
na wa o, see me see trouble
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Tonyblu (m)
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Girl Power:
A little boy is playing with his new football and a little girl asks if she can play. He tells her, "No. These are for boys."
The little girl runs into the house and tells her mother. The next day the girl sticks her tongue out at the boy and waves her new football in his face. The little boy angrily points to his boy's bike and says, "Oh yeah? Well, only boys can get these!"
But the next day, the little girl has the same bike. The little boy gets furious, pulls down his pants, points to his unit, and says, "Look, only boys have these and your mom can't buy you one!"
The next day he walks by and the little girl promptly pulls up her dress, points to her bits, and proclaims, "My mother tells me that as long as I have one of these, I can have as many of those as I want."
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ibkaye (f)
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Girl Power:
A little boy is playing with his new football and a little girl asks if she can play. He tells her, "No. These are for boys."
The little girl runs into the house and tells her mother. The next day the girl sticks her tongue out at the boy and waves her new football in his face. The little boy angrily points to his boy's bike and says, "Oh yeah? Well, only boys can get these!"
But the next day, the little girl has the same bike. The little boy gets furious, pulls down his pants, points to his unit, and says, "Look, only boys have these and your mom can't buy you one!"
The next day he walks by and the little girl promptly pulls up her dress, points to her bits, and proclaims, "My mother tells me that as long as I have one of these, I can have as many of those as I want."
hehehe this one isn't dry  |
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Thug Life (m)
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Hhahahhahahahhaha
lol
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tufe (m)
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u for fart to finish ur laffter now
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clemcykul
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ha ha ha hilarious  |
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tufe (m)
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ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
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Tonyblu (m)
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Groundnut "Thiefing" - M&M Peanuts
An old man and a young man work together in an office.
The old man always has a bottle of groundnuts (peanuts) on his desk, and the young man really loves groundnuts.
One day, while the old man is away from his desk, the young man yields to temptation and quickly eats over half of the contents of the bottle.
When the old man returns, the young man feels guilty and confesses to his crime.
And the nice old man answered . . .
"Don't worry, son. I never eat the groundnuts anyway," the old man replies. "Since I lost my teeth, all I can do is lick off the chocolate off the M&M's."
(i.e. the toothless old man licks off the chocolate covering of the M&M peanuts and keeps the groundnut in the Bottle!)
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Tonyblu (m)
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On the Roof
A man left his cat with his brother while he went on vacation for a week. When he came back, the man called his brother to see when he could pick the cat up. The brother hesitated, then said, ''I'm so sorry, but while you were away, the cat died."
The man was very upset and yelled, ''You know, you could have broken the news to me better than that. When I called today, you could have said he was on the roof and wouldn't come down. Then when I called the next day, you could have said that he had fallen off and the vet was working on patching him up. Then when I called the third day, you could have said he had passed away.''
The brother thought about it and apologized.
"So how's Mom?" asked the man.
"She's on the roof and won't come down."
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Tonyblu (m)
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Horny Wife, Pooped Husband
A man walks into a bar and orders a double, obviously upset.
"What's the matter, buddy?" asks the bartender.
"It's a long story. I met this beautiful woman who invited me back home. We stripped off our clothes and jumped into bed and were just about to make love when her goddamned husband came in the front door. So I had to jump out of the bedroom window and hang from the edge by my fingernails without any clothes on!''
''Gee, that's tough!'' commiserated the bartender.
''Right, but that's not what really got me aggravated. When her husband came into the room, he wanted to have sex with her -- but he had to piss first. And the lazy son of a bitch pissed out the window right onto my head!"
''Yeech! No wonder you're in a lousy mood."
''Yeah, but I haven't told you what really really made me mad. Next, I had to listen to them grunting and groaning and when they finished the husband tossed his condom out the window. And where does it land? On my goddamned forehead!''
''Damn, that really is a drag!''
''Oh, I'm not finished! See, what really pissed me off was when the husband had to take a dump. Turns out that their toilet was broken, so he stuck his ass out of the window and let loose right on my head!''
''That would sure mess up my day."
''Yeah, yeah, yeah, but do you know what REALLY REALLY REALLY pissed me off? When I looked down and saw that my feet were only SIX inches off the ground!''
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Tonyblu (m)
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Little Big Fart
There was this Indian chief who was straining to blow a fart but it wouldn't come out.
So he sent his little messenger boy to the doctor and he says, ''Big chief, no fart.''
The doctor gives him a can of beans and tells him to come back tommorrow to tell him what happened.
The messenger boy comes back the next day and says, ''Big chief, no fart.''
The doctor gives him 10 cans of beans this time.
The messenger boy comes back the next day and says, ''Big chief, no fart.'' The doctor gives him 100 cans of beans.
The messenger boy comes back the next day and says, ''Big chief, no fart.''
The doctor gives him 10, 000 cans of beans and says, ''If this doesn't work then nothing will.''
The messenger boy comes back the next day and looks at the doctor.
The doctor anxiously asked, ''Well, did it work?''
The messenger boy says, ''Big fart, no chief!"
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Tonyblu (m)
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Mysterious Death bed
There was this case in the hospital's Intensive Care ward where patients always died in the same bed, on Sunday morning at 11 a.m., regardless of their medical condition.
This puzzled the doctors and some even thought that it had something to do with the supernatural.
Why the death?
So the doctors decide to go down to the ward to investigate the cause of the incidents.
So on the next Sunday morning few minutes before 11 a.m., all doctors and nurses were so scared and nervously waited outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about.
Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books and other holy objects to ward off the evil,
Just when the clock struck 11,
, Santa Singh, the part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life support system so that he could use the vacuum cleaner.
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Tonyblu (m)
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Comdom Count
A boy goes to the drug store with his dad and sees the condom display.
Boy: "Dad, why do they do packs of one condom?"
Dad: "Those are for the high-schoolers for Friday nights."
Boy: "So, why do they make packs of three?"
Dad: "For the college guys for Friday, Saturday and Sunday nights."
Boy: "Then why do they make packs of 12?"
Dad: "Those are for married couples -- you know, January, February, March."
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Tonyblu (m)
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Charging by the Hour
A lawyer died and arrived at the Pearly Gates.
To his dismay, there were thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter.
To his surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where the lawyer was, and greeted him warmly.
Then St. Peter and one of his assistants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the front of the line, and into a comfortable chair by his desk.
The lawyer said, "I don't mind all this attention, but what makes me so special?"
St. Peter replied, "Well, I've added up all the hours for which you billed your clients, and by my calculation you must be about 193 years old!"
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Tonyblu (m)
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Future Handicapping
Papa Iyabo was out jogging one morning along the parkway when he tripped, fell over the bridge railing and landed in the creek below.
Before the Secret Service guys could get to him, three kids, who were fishing, pulled him out of the water. He was so grateful he offered the kids whatever they wanted.
The first kid said, "I want to go to Disneyland."
Papa Iyabo said, "No problem. I'll take you there on the Presidential Jet".
The second kid said, "I want a new pair of Nike Air Jordan's."
Papa Iyabo said, "I'll get them for you and even have Michael sign them!"
The third kid said, "I want a motorized wheelchair with a built-in TV and stereo headset!!"
Papa Iyabo is a little perplexed by this and says, "But you don't look like you are handicapped."
The kid says, "I will be after my dad finds out I saved your ass from drowning!"
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Tonyblu (m)
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Religious Nuts
There were four country churches in a small Texas town: The Presbyterian Church, the Baptist Church, the Methodist Church and the Catholic Church. Each church was overrun with pesky squirrels.
One day, the Presbyterian Church called a meeting to decide what to do about the squirrels. After much prayer and consideration they determined that the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.
In the Baptist Church the squirrels had taken up habitation in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a cover on the baptistery and drown the squirrels in it. The squirrels escaped somehow and there were twice as many there the next week.
The Methodist Church got together and decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creation. So, they humanely trapped the Squirrels and set them free a few miles outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back.
But -- The Catholic Church came up with the best and most effective solution. They baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter.
Source: Comedy Central
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Tonyblu (m)
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Hooligan HiJinx
A big hulking hooligan walks into a bar, slams his fist down, and yells "Give me a Budweiser, or, !"
Scared, the bartender serves the man his Budweiser. This happens everyday for a week straight, and the bartender turns into a nervous wreck. He asks his wife for advice, and she tells him he should stand up for himself. Easier said than done, he thinks, but he decides to try it. The next day, the hooligan returns.
"Give me a Budweiser, or, !"
"O-o-o-o-r-r-r, w-w-what?" stammers the bartender.
"A small Coke."
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Tonyblu (m)
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Insulting Parrot
A lady was walking past a pet store when a parrot said, ''Hey, lady! You're really ugly!" The lady was furious and continued on her way.
On the way home, she passed by the pet-store again and the parrot once more said "Hey, lady! You're really ugly!"
She was incredibly ticked now, so she went into the store and said that she would sue the store and kill the bird.
The store manager apologized profusely and promised he would make sure the parrot didn't say it again.
The next day, she deliberately passed by the store to test the parrot. "Hey, lady!" it said.
"Yes?", she answered
"You know naw!" with a WINK!
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tufe (m)
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thanx tony. you are very much appreciated here.  |
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Follynio (f)
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@ tufe, U too like to dey yawa people, na wetin now? 
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Follynio (f)
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Great jokes Tony
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Tonyblu (m)
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Thanks y'all.
One for the road . . .
Baby Talk
Little Johnny came running into the house and asked, "Mommy, can little girls have babies?"
"No," said his mom, "Of course not."
Little Johnny then ran back outside and his mom heard him yell to his friends, "It's okay, we can play that game again!"
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tufe (m)
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folly, how i take yawa tony na. na my main man be that ooo |
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Tonyblu (m)
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Couldn't resist this:
Playing Doctor
Two children were in a doctor's waiting room. The little girl was softly sobbing.
"Why are you crying?" asked the little boy.
"I'm here for a blood test, and they're going to cut my finger," said the girl.
When he heard this, the little boy started to wail!.
"Why are you crying?" asked the girl.
The boy looked at her worriedly and said, "I'm here for a urine test."
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tufe (m)
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seen this before, but didnt still stop me from lolling |
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Tonyblu (m)
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Advanced Technology
A Japanese man was boasting about how his country had such advanced medical technology. He said, "We take the lungs out of a man, perform an operation, put the lungs back in, and in 4 weeks, the man is looking for work."
An Englishman said, "We are far more advanced than you. We can take the heart out of a man, perform surgery and have him ready for work in just 3 weeks."
The Irishman says, "That's nothing; we can take a kidney out of a man, put into another man's body and have them looking for work in 2 weeks."
The Nigerian says, "Well hell, that's nothin'. We had an idiot taken out of prison, put him in the StateHouse and now half the country is lookin' for work!"
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Tonyblu (m)
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Good Vibrations
A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughter's bedroom. When she opened the door, she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator.
"What are you doing!?!" she exclaimed.
The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."
Later that week, the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement. When he went downstairs, he found his daughter naked on a sofa with her vibrator.
"What are you doing!?!" he exclaimed.
The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."
A couple of days later, the mother heard the humming sound again, this time in the living room.
Upon entering the room, she found her husband watching television, with the vibrator buzzing away beside him.
"What are you doing?" she asked in shock.
He replied, "What's it look like? I'm watching the game with my son-in-law." 
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Tonyblu (m)
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3 Guys go to Heaven
Three guys die and end up at the gates of heaven, talking to St. Peter.
"So," Peter asks the first guy, "how many times did you cheat on your wife?"
"None. I had a perfect marriage."
"Great," says Peter. "You get to cruise around heaven in a Mercedes."
And you, how many times did you cheat on your wife?"
"Only twice, I think," says the second guy.
"Okay. You get to cruise around heaven in a Honda-End of Discussion.
"And you, how many times did you cheat on your wife?"
"12 times. Maybe 13," says the third guy.
"Okay," says Peter. "You get a rusty Peugeot 504."
Later that day, the guy in the Honda-End of Discussion sees the guy in the Mercedes crying.
"What's wrong?"
"I just saw my wife."
"So?"
"She was riding a BICYCLE!"
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Tonyblu (m)
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A Drunks asked a Clergy
A man who smelled like a distillery flopped down on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.
He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes, the disheveled guy turned to the priest and asked, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"
"Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man!"
"Well, I'll be damned!" the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry, I shouldn't have been so unpleasant about it. Tell me, how long have you had arthritis?"
"I don't have it, Father -- I was just reading here that the Pope does!"
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