Short Jokes

Don't Fart in Bed

This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for
years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke.

The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.

Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop
and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a
doctor. She was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.

The years went by and he continued to rip them out! Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her.

She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled
back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.

Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and
the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom.

The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor
laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good.

About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his
bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face.

She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said, "Honey, you were right. All these years you have warned me
and I didn't listen to you.

"What do you mean?" asked his wife.

"Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and these two fingers, I think I got most of them back in.

there was once a competition between Jesus and satan about who could type the fastest
satan started first,and was typing then a few minutes to the end,God told him to round off that he only had 5 mins he rushed the reamining 5 mins and on the dot of five minutes lightning struck and and the pc on which he was typing went blank and said time up.

it was now the turn of Jesus,5 mins to the end the same thing happened 
,and God announced  the winner as Jesus.satan is no hws that possible,
God shruged and said well "Jesus saves"

Four Catholic moms bragging about their sons:-

1st Mom :- My sons a priest, walk into the room and everyone calls him Father. . . .

2nd Mom :- Mines a Bishop, walks into the room  and everyone calls him 'Your Grace'

3rd Mom :-  Well, my son's a Cardinal, walks into the room, everyone says 'Your Eminence"


4th Mom was silent then replied, My son's tall, gorgeous, well hung and is a male striper,
when he walks in, people says 'MY GOD'. . . . .

Heheh! Thanks Cayon Sista 

Husband says; "When I'm gone you'll never find another man like me".
Wife replied; "What makes you think I'D want another man like you!"

thanks Gab - haven't heard one from you for a long time

Brenda, pregnant with her first child, was paying a visit to her obstetrician's office. When the exam was over, she shyly began, "My husband wants me to ask you, "
"I know, I know." the doctor said, placing a reassuring hand on her shoulder, "I get asked that all the time. Sex is fine until late In the pregnancy."
"No, that's not it at all," Brenda confessed. "He wants to know if I can still mow the lawn."

ok

troy34 and ibkaye went up the hill to smoke some marijuana.
troy34 got high and unzipped his fly and said ibkaye do u want to?
ibkaye said yes and dropped her dress but silly ibkaye forgot to take the pill!
Now they have a son call Phill.

@ituen
You seem to be a troubled yound man who has a wicked, envious, grudging heart.  You are so full of  hatred and resentment that I am going to take a break from my studying and say a prayer for you.

Get Well soon!!!!

Late for Bible Class

A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as she could, trying not to be late for Bible class. As she ran she prayed, "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late! Dear Lord, please don't let me be late!"

While she was running and praying, she tripped on a curb and fell, getting her clothes dirty and tearing her dress. She got up, brushed herself off, and started running again. As she ran she once again began to pray, "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late, But please don't shove me either!"

I recently turned 65 and had to choose a new primary care physician for my Medicare program.

After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age.

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him,

"Do you think I will live to be 80?"

He asked: Do you smoke tobacco or drink alcoholic beverages?"

"Oh no," I replied. "I don't do drugs, either."

"Do you have many friends and entertain frequently?"

"I said, "No, I usually stay home and keep to myself".

"Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?"

I said, "No, my other doctor said that all red meat is unhealthy!"

"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?"

"No, I don't," I said.

"Do you gamble, ride motorcycles, or have a lot of sex?"

"No," I said. "I don't do any of those things."

He looked at me and said, "Then why do you give a fcuk about how long you living?

@ tuff -Thanks

 ;d ;d

They are two answers to this story. Enjoy!

Why Men can Pee Standing Up

God was just about done creating humans but he had two parts left over.
He couldn’t decide how to split them between Adam and Eve so he thought he might just as well ask them.

He told them that one of the things He had left was the thing that will allow the owner to pee while standing up.

“It’s a very handy thing”, God told them. And I was wondering whether either one of you had a preference for it.

Well, Adam jump up and down and begged. “Ok, please give that to me! I love to be able to do that! It seems like just the sort of thing a man should have. Please! Pleaseeee! Give it to me”. On and on he went like an excited little boy.

Eve just smiled and told God that if Adam really wanted it so badly, he could have it. So God gave Adam the thing that will allow him to pee standing up.

Adam was so excited that he start whizzing all over the place - first at the side on the rock, than he wrote his name on the sand, and then he tried to see if he could hit a Frog ten feet away – laughing with delight all the while.

God and Eve watched him with amusement and then God said to Eve. “Well, I guess you’re kind of stuck with the last thing I have left.”

“What’s it called?” asked Eve.

“Brains”, said God.

hey Goab

The American Passport had me in stitches.  wow!!!