MY LIST OF JOKES(anyone that wants to see my jokes should come here)ass:hcl

a boy returns from school and worriedly went to his father.

BOY:(with a tight look on his face) father, why you born me na? for school the students every every day dey call
         me '(H)EDWARD'. ah ah ou is it a crime to have a big head?

FATHER:(hisses) look at you, during my time they used to call me HEAD MASTER.

the death of obansanjo and atiku rocked the whole nation and some parts of africa. as we all know, they went to hell

(in hell):the devil laughed aloud after recognizing both of them after which he begins to explain the compartments in hell.

devil:(clears his throat) look there are basically 2 branches here in hell, the first is the nigerian hell while the other one
is the british kind. in the british hell it's a must to drink a tea cup of 'shit' three times a day while in the nigerian one a bucket of shit every 3 days.

on hearing this,obansanjo said to atiku, since u're beneath me i'ld go to the british hell while you to the nigerian one. atiku agreed to the proposal after a long time of argument and they both went to where they belong.
, time passed,  one day the devil decided to throw a party to unite every soul.
(at the party)
obansanjo suddenly ran across  atiku:
ATIKU: baba o long time no see, how are you coping in english hell
OBJ:(with mouth wide opened) ah ah atiku, bé ni long time no see.(with the dreadest tight look on his face)i don't think that i can take this anymore, drinking shit three times a day is no joke(shakes his head in dismay). and you atiku, yours should be worse,how are you coping?

ATIKU:(with the coolest smile ever) you see in the nigerian hell when you have shit you don't have bucket  and when you have bucket you don't have shit. even if by mistake there are both i can bribe my way through.

OBJ:(WITH HANDS ON HIS HEAD)

an old farmer was in his office discussing with an old friend, after 15 mins of conversation, he called out 'DIPLOMA!, DIPLOMA!!, DIPLOMA!!!'.a little boy appeared sweating and breathing heavily, he said, look go get a cup of coffee for my friend here.( the boy sets off) the farmer's friend with a strange look on a his face asks him, what a funny name, is he a relative of yours?  ah yes!!! he is my grand child, i call him this way because when i sent my daughter to study overseas she returned with him.

ha ha ha!!!

Nice jokes, keep em coming.

Very funny jokes esp. diploma

ok guys as soon as am less busy i'ld post some more to share with you on this thread

hey!!! whatz up?it's been quite some time ify. how're u doing?

missed you too ify.

dad, i need to do a research from school! can i ask you a question?
of course son! what's it?- dad, what is politics?- well, politics involves:
1. the people;
2.the government;
3.economic power;
4.working class;
5.future of the country.
    i don't understand. can you explain?
well son, I'd use our home as an example: i'm the economic power because i provide the money.your mum administrate and spend the money, so she is the government. you are the people because we take care of your needs. your little brother is the future of the country and ramat who baby sits him is the working class. do you understand?-
more or less father, I'd think about it.
   that night awoken by the cries of his little brother, he decides to see what went wrong. he discoveres that his pamper is all messed up. he goes to his mother's room and discovers that she's deeply asleep. also he goes to the maid's room only to find his father through the door hole having sex with her.as none of them noticed him, he decides to go back to sleep.
the next day during breakfast, he says to his father:
dad,now i think i know what politics means.
great son, explain it to me in your own words.
well father, i think it's this: while the economic power fucks with the working class, the government sleeps profoundly, the people are totally ignored about it and the future of the country remains in deep shit.

my gawd! lmao

a young man finally realized his dreams of buying an A4,1.8T,automatic,conversible,  audi. during one good day he dashed for the high way to test the car's capacity. off he sets: wind on his face,hair flying,he decides to increase speed. meanwhile a patrol police saw that and went after his ass with a sirene and all the lights. 'ah, they can't get me' he thought as he decides to increase speed again. getting to 200km/h, the patrol car was still after him. 'what a crazy dude i am' he said to himself as he decides to stop and pull over.  the police man approaches him and asked for his licence,documents while examining the car.he said ' 1. i had a tough day. 2. am supposed to be at home resting by now. 3. i'd let you go if you give me a good reason i have never heard in my entire life for driving this way.

the man said 'last week my wife ran away with a patrol police and i was afraid thinking that he was him trying to return her to me.

'good night' the police said.

Fashion sense na 

a drunk gets onto a bus and sits next to a girl:

drunk:how could a human being be this hideous? you're the most horrible looking thing i have ever set my eyes on

girl:(furious) and you a disgusting drunkard. look at yourself before talking.

drunk:(yawning) yes i know i look digusting but tomorrow i'd be better. 

IN CUBA
some horrible looking men with long beards got into a restaurant and ordered for lunch. after eating:as they got up to leave without paying their bills the owner of the restaurant went after them to ask for his money. one of them responds: 'look we are fidel Castro's police officers!'.the frightened man decided to let them go in peace. meanwhile a hungry guy who watched the whole incident from outside also decided to have lunch in the restaurant. after eating: he  was interupted by the owner of the restaurant as he got up to leave
OWNER: hey mr. where is my money?!
THE GUY: look here man u're addressing a fidel Castro officer. u could be in trouble for this!
OWNER:(laughing) look at you trying to deceive me. now tell me where is the long beard like the others?

the guy looked around to ensure that no one was watching as he went close to the owner and put down his trousers and boxers to show him the region of his privates. he then whispered to the owner of the restaurant,'I'M A SECRET AGENT'.

The guy phoned his home one afternoon wanting to know what his wife would make for dinner. -- Hello? Says the voice of a child. -- Hi, dear, this is dad. is mom close to the phone? -- No, Daddy. She is upstairs in the room with uncle Frank. After a few seconds, the guy says: - But dear, you do not have an uncle named Frank! -- Yes, I have! And he is there in the room with Mom. --  alright dear, I want you to do the following: run upstairs, knock on the door and yell at mom and uncle Frank that my car just stopped in front of the house. -- alright Daddy! A few minutes later, the girl returned- I did what you asked. -- And what happened? -- Well, Mom jumped naked out of the bed and began to scream and run all over the room, suddenly she slipped on the carpet falling out through the front window, and now she is dead ,  -- Oh, my God! and the uncle Frank? -- He jumped from the bed naked and very scared, jumped out the window to get into the pool, but he must have forgotten that you emptied the pool last week for cleaning, and there he hit his head at the bottom, and Now he is there, also dead,  After a long pause, the guy asked: - Swimming pool? excuse me, is the phone number 3212-0739? -- No, the girl responds - sorry, i dialed a wrong number! he hangs the phone.

in the court room:
   a caught hardened criminal is being interrogated by the judge;

JUDGE: why is it that u don't only steal money from your victims but also their credit cards, clothes and shoes, wrist watches, Jewries, books,food, ? u even sometimes rape the women and beat em up. i don't understand your specie.

CRIMINAL: my mum once told me that money isn't everything.