|
Christino (m)
|
Which paper you dey read? Punch or Akede Odua?  Na person send am 2 me o. |
|
|
|
|
|
Christino (m)
|
A jobless man applied for the position of "office boy"
at Microsoft. The HR manager interviewed him then
watched him cleaning the floor as a test. "You are
employed" he said. "Give me your e-mail address and
I'll send you the application to fill in as well as
date when you may start". The man replied "But I don't
have a computer, neither an email." "I'm sorry",
said the HR manager, "If you don't have an email, that
means you do not exist. And who doesn't exist, cannot
have the job." The man left with no hope at all. He
didn't know what to do, with only $10 in his pocket.
He then decided to go to the supermarket and buy a
10Kg tomato crate. He then sold the tomatoes in a door
to door round. In less than two hours, he succeeded to
double his capital. He repeated the operation three
times, and returned home with $60. The man realized
that he can survive by this way and started to go
everyday earlier and return late. Thus, his money
doubled or tripled everyday. Shortly, he bought a
cart, then a truck, then he had his own fleet of
delivery vehicles. 5 years later, the man is one of
the biggest food retailers in the US. He started to
plan his family's future and decided to have a life
insurance. He called an insurance broker and chose a
protection plan. When the conversation was concluded,
the broker asked him his email. The man replied, "I
don't have an email". The broker answered curiously,
"You don't have an email and yet have succeeded to
build an empire. Can you imagine what you could have
been if you had an email?!! "The man thought for a
while and replied,"Yes, I'd would have been an office
boy at Microsoft!"
Moral of the story:
Internet/email is not the solution to your life.
If you don't have internet/email and work hard, you
can be a millionaire.
If you received this message by email, you
are probably already an office boy/girl and not any
close to being a Billionaire,
P.S - Do not forward this email back to me,
I'm closing my email and going to sell tomatoes!!!!!!
Have a glory filled day & remain blessed.
|
|
|
|
|
|
Christino (m)
|
As it turned out,
she barely said good morning,
let alone "Happy Birthday."
I thought,
Well, that's marriage for you,
but the kids,
They will remember.
My kids came bounding down stairs to
breakfast and didn't say a word.
So when I left for the office,
I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.
As I walked into my office,
my secretary Jane said,
"Good Morning Boss,
and by the way Happy Birthday! "
It felt a little better that at least someone had
remembered.
I worked until one o'clock,
when Jane knocked on my door
and said, "You know,
It's such a beautiful day outside,
and it is your Birthday,
what do you say we go out to lunch,
just you and me."
I said, "Thanks, Jane,
that's the greatest thing
I've heard all day.
Let's go!"
We went to lunch.
But we didn't go
where we normally would go.
She chose instead a quiet bistro
with a private table.
We had two martinis each
and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.
On the way back to the office,
Jane said, "You know,
It's such a beautiful day,
We don't need to go straight back to the office, Do We?"
I responded,
"I guess not. What do you have in mind?"
She said, "Let's drop by my apartment,
it's just around the corner."
After arriving at her apartment,
Jane turned to me and said,
" Boss, if you don't mind,
I'm going to step into the bedroom
for just a moment.
I'll be right back."
"Ok," I nervously replied.
She went into the bedroom and,
after a couple of minutes,
she came out carrying a huge birthday cake .
Followed by my wife, my kids,
and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing
"Happy
Birthday.
And I just sat there,
On the couch,
Naked.
|
|
|
|
|
|
marlet01 (m)
|
M artin had just received his brand new driver's license. The family troops out to the driveway, and climbs in the car, where he is going to take them for a ride for the first time. Dad immediately heads for the back seat, directly behind the newly minted driver. "I'll bet you're back there to get a change of scenery after all those months of sitting in the front passenger seat teaching me how to drive," says the beaming boy to his father. "Nope," comes dad's reply, "I'm going to sit here and kick the back of your seat as you drive, just like you've been doing to me all these years."
|
|
|
|
|
|
marlet01 (m)
|
A Pastor met a police man on the Road. A careful look at the engine no.against what was on paper revealed that letter You was written in such a way that it could be mistaken for V. That was all the police needed to shout "stolen vehicle,the pastor called the OC to say he was a priest to which the officer replied if you are a pastor read Matthew 5:25, 26,The Pastor opened to the recommended passage and read:"Settle matters quickly with your adversary who is taking you to court. Do it while you are still with him on the way, or he may hand you over to a judge, and the judge may hand you over to the officer, and you may be thrown into prison.I tell you the truth you will not get out until you have paid the last penny.The man of God quietly made an "offering" of N100 to his newly found preacher.
|
|
|
|
|
|
marlet01 (m)
|
Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop." Customer: "Ok." Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?" Customer: "No." Tech Support: "Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?" Customer: "No." Tech Support: "Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?" Customer: "Sure, you told me to write 'click' and I wrote click'."  |
|
|
|
|
|
marlet01 (m)
|
A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, pal. You're obviously drunk." Our wasted friend asked, "Officer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?" Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper. "Let's go." Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, "Thank goodness, I thought I was a cripple."
|
|
|
|
|
|
marlet01 (m)
|
A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday. "I'd love to be eight again." she replied. On the morning of her birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops, and then took her off to the local theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, every thing there was. Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. Right away, they journeyed to a McDonald's where her loving husband ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake.
|
|
|
|
|
|
marlet01 (m)
|
Then it was off to the movies: the latest Star Wars epic, a hot dog, popcorn, all the Coke she could drink, and her favorite lolly and M&M's. What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his precious wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, Well, Dear, what was it like being eight again?" Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. "I meant my dress size!!!!!!! The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he's going to get it wrong.
|
|
|
|
|
|
marlet01 (m)
|
Its a priviledge to announce to you the most rescent development in the enforcement of your destiny. From today one man will always be afraid of u, that man is Failure. Another man has denounced his friendship with u, he is Fear. This man called Frustration, has vowed never to have anything to do with u again. But these great men, Goodness, Mercy, Favour and Wisdom have chosen to follow you anywhere you go & will never depart from u.
|
|
|
|
|
|
Christino (m)
|
Thanks for these jokes Marlet |
|
|
|
|
|
Christino (m)
|
 |
Operator
« #491 on: May 25, 2007, 09:03 AM » |
|
After a long period of silence an Igbo guy phones his good pal and the following conversation ensued, Chike: Nna, How now??, long tam no see you! Chidi: Nna, I just dey o. Wetin dey happen now ? Chike: I jus dey, Ah beg, I need your hep for sontin, Chidi: (grumbles) Na wetin? Chike: Ah won borrow small money from una Chidi: Hello? Hello? I can't hear u well o Chike: I say ah need small money from una Chidi: Hello? Hello? , this line no clear o, Chike: (yelling into the phone) Ah say come borrow me small money abeg! Chidi: Hello? Hello??, I still can not hear you! (The phone operator now butts in) He said he wants you to borrow him money! Chidi: NNA YOU WEY HEAR AM WELL GIVE AM THE MONEY NOW! (foolish operator shiooo, )
|
|
|
|
|
|
marlet01 (m)
|
In chemistry he turned water to wine, in biology he was born without the normal conception, in physics he disaproved the law of gravity when he ascended into heaven, in economics he disaproved the law of diminishing return by feeding 5000 men with two fishes & 5 loaves of bread, in history he is the beginning & the end, in Government he said that he shall be called wonderful counsellor, prince of peace, in religion he said no one comes to the father except through him so who is he .(JESUS). Join me and lets celebrate him he is worthy. PASS IT ON!!! The eyes beholding this message shall not behold evil, the hand that will send this message to everybody shall not labor in vain, the mouth that says Amen to this message shall laugh,
|
|
|
|
|
|
marlet01 (m)
|
YOU WILL NOT GO TO WHERE THE GRACE OF GOD WILL NOT PROTECT YOU. I SEE SOMETHING GOOD HAPPENING TO YOU TODAY. SOMETHING THAT YOU HAVE BEEN WAITING TO EXPERIENCE. THIS IS NOT A JOKE; YOU ARE GOING TO RECEIVE A DIVINE VISITATION THAT WILL MOVE YOUR LIFE AHEAD.
|
|
|
|
|
|
marlet01 (m)
|
If one day u feel like crying, call me. I don't promise that i will make u laugh, but i will encourage and cheer you up. If one day u want to run away-- don't be afraid to call me. I don't promise to ask u to stop, but i can run with u. If one day u don't want to listen to anyone, call me. I promise to be there for u but also promise to remain quiet. But one day if u call, and there is no answer, come fast to see me. Perhaps i need you. Send this to all your friends, no matter how often you talk, or how close you are, and send it to the person who sent it to you. Let old friends know you haven't forgotten them,
|
|
|
|
|
|
marlet01 (m)
|
Prayers for special people like you, (1) You will find favour with someone you don't expect, Amen (2) You will be too relevant to be ignored, Amen (3) You will encounter God and you will never remain the same, Amen (4) The grace for completion will come on you, You shall be blessed till the blessed call you blessed, Amen (5) The hand that will send this message to others shall not labour in vain, Amen (6) The mouth saying "Amen" to this prayer shall laugh forever. Very Very soon, I say Very Very soon, God is going to do a miracle that will make you halla, "ah! Father, You are too much!" Remain in God's love as you send this prayer to your friends
|
|
|
|
|
|
Christino (m)
|
An 8-year-old girl went to her dad, who was working in the yard. She asked him, "Daddy, what is sex?" The father was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decides that if she is old enough to ask the question, then she is old enough to get a straight answer. He proceeded to tell her all about the "birds and the bees." When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open. The father asked her, "Why did you ask this question?" The little girl replied, "Mom told me to tell you that dinner would be ready in just a couple of secs."
|
|
|
|
|
|
marlet01 (m)
|
Prayers for special people like you, (1) You will find favour with someone you don't expect, Amen (2) You will be too relevant to be ignored, Amen (3) You will encounter God and you will never remain the same, Amen (4) The grace for completion will come on you, You shall be blessed till the blessed call you blessed, Amen (5) The hand that will send this message to others shall not labour in vain, Amen (6) The mouth saying "Amen" to this prayer shall laugh forever. Very Very soon, I say Very Very soon, God is going to do a miracle that will make you halla, "ah! Father, You are too much!" Remain in God's love as you send this prayer to your friends
|
|
|
|
|
|
Gold (m)
|
LESSON IN RENT PAYMENT.
A businessman met a beautiful girl and greed to spend the afternoon with her for N20,500. They did their thing, and, before he left, he told her that he did not have any cash with him, but he would have his secretary write a cheque and mail it to her, calling the payment
"RENT FOR APARTMENT."
On the way to the office, he regretted what he had done, realizing that the whole event had not been worth the price. So he had his secretary send a cheque of N10,250 and enclose the following typed note:
"Dear Madam:
Find enclosed a cheque of $250 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon, because when I rented the place, I was under the impression that:
#1 - it had never been occupied;
#2 - there was plenty of heat; and
#3 - it was small enough to make me feel cozy and at home. However, I found out that it had been previously occupied, that there wasn't any heat, and that it was entirely too large."
Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the cheque with the following note:
“Dear Sir:
First, I cannot understand how you could expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely. As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you know how to turn it on. Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it, please do not blame the management.
Please send the rent in full or we will be forced to contact your present landlady”.
|
|
|
|
|
|
Christino (m)
|
@ Gold This is one for the adults  |
|
|
|
|
|
Christino (m)
|
WHY AFRICANS R ALWAYS TIRED,
Its not laziness, here is the reason
For a couple years many Africans have been blaming it on lack of sleep,
too much pressure from job, poor blood, but now the real reason has
been found:
We're tired because we're overworked. Here's why:
1. The population of Africa is 800 million: 200 million are retired. That leaves 600 million.
2. There are 200 million in school, which leaves 400 million to do the work.
3. Of this, there are 100 million employed by the government. Leaving 300 million to do the work.
4. 50 Million are in the armed forces & related jobs; which leaves 250 million to do the work.
5. Take from the total the 150 million people unemployed. And that leaves 100 million to do the work.
6. At any given time there are 50 Million people in hospitals. Leaving 50 Million to do the work.
7. There are 20 Million people in prisons. Leaving 30 million to do the work.
8. 1 Million are Chiefs, Kings, Queens , Presidents, Ministers, pastors, Voodoo or Juju Masters.
Leaving 29 Million to do the work.
9. Now, 28,999,998 Africans are out of Africa . In Europe, USA , Asia etc.
That leaves just two people to do all the work.
You and me, but you're sitting on your chair, at your computer, reading this jokes instead of working,
That leaves one person, only me, to do all the work,
CLOSE THIS WINDOW N GET BACK TO WORK
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Phemzy (m)
|
I do make Religious (prayers in muslim and christian) and Jokes but love msg to my girlfriend.
Just check this out. Here you can send free SMS and MMS to any mobile phone across the world. Follow this link and registered http:///?rid=502653 . Thanks
|
|
|
|
|
|
Christino (m)
|
Two Georgia football players are taking a college exam. If they fail they will not be allowed to play in next week's big game.
The exam is fill-in-the-blank. The last question reads, "Old MacDonald had a ______."
Well, Bubba is stumped. He has no idea what the answer might be. He knows he needs to get this one right to be sure he passes. So, Bubba looks around to make sure the professor isn't watching and then taps Jethro on the shoulder. "Psst! Jethro. What's the answer to the last question?"
Jethro laughs. He looks around to make sure they isn’t watchin and then Jethro turns to Bubba and says, "Bubba, man you're so stupid. Everybody knows that Old MacDonald had a farm."
"Ohhhh," says Bubba. "I remember." So, Bubba starts filling in the blank, but stops. He again reaches over and taps Jethro’s shoulder and whispers, "Hey, how do you spell farm?"
"Man Bubba, you really are brainless. Duh? That's EASY! Farm is spelled E-I-E-I-O."
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Christino (m)
|
A man's logic
A couple wants a divorce, but first they must decide who will be the main guardian of their child. The jury asks both the man and woman for a reason why they should be the one to keep the child. So the jury asks the woman first. She says, "Well I carried this child around in my stomach for nine months and I had to go through a painful birth process, this is my child and a part of me." The jury is impressed and then turns to ask the man the same question. The man replies, "OK, I take a coin and put it in the drink machine and a drink comes out, now tell me who does the drink belong to me or the machine"
|
|
|
|
|
|
Christino (m)
|
A man's logic
A couple wants a divorce, but first they must decide who will be the main guardian of their child. The jury asks both the man and woman for a reason why they should be the one to keep the child. So the jury asks the woman first. She says, "Well I carried this child around in my stomach for nine months and I had to go through a painful birth process, this is my child and a part of me." The jury is impressed and then turns to ask the man the same question. The man replies, "OK, I take a coin and put it in the drink machine and a drink comes out, now tell me who does the drink belong to me or the machine"
|
|
|
|
|
|
Christino (m)
|
A good liar must have a good memory, if a man repeats a lie 21 times, it becomes the truth.
|
|
|
|
|
|
Christino (m)
|
Mafia godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has cheated him out of
ten
million bucks but his bookkeeper is deaf.
That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed
that
a deaf bookkeeper would not hear anything that he might have to testify
about in court.
When the godfather goes to confront the bookkeeper about his missing
$10
million, he brings along his attorney, who knows sign language.
The godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the 10 million bucks he
embezzled from me is."
The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the money
is.
The bookkeeper signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."
The attorney tells the godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you're
talking about."
The godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper's temple,
and
says, "Ask him again!"
The attorney signs to the bookkeeper, "He'll kill you if you don't tell
him!"
The bookkeeper signs back, "OK! You win! The money is in a brown
briefcase,
buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens!"
The godfather asks the attorney, "Well, what'd he say?"
The attorney replies, "He says you don't have the guts to pull the
trigger."
|
|
|
|
|
|
Christino (m)
|
Man has to buy a Bra for his wife but forgot the size of the cup. The young blond sales lady said: ”Well if it is going to help you, you may feel my breast so that you can determine the cup size“ which he did ….and then he said to her that he also has to buy his wife a panty and he also does not know the size, ?
|
|
|
|
|
|
Christino (m)
|
Old couple wanting to get married was discussing various matters like finances etc and then he asked her hesitantly:“How do u feel about intercourse?“ She replied: ”I would like it rather infrequently.“
He thought about this for a bit and asked her casually: ” Was your last word one or two words?“
|
|
|
|
|
|
Alos
|
Want to get a nigerian guy to stop calling you? say after me 'send me recharge card'
|
|
|
|
|
|
![Nairaland [Nigerian Forum] Home](http://www.nairaland.com/Themes/default/images/english/home.gif)
Poll
Author
