Things We've Learnt From Nollywood

 







THINGS WE'VE LEARNT FROM NOLLYWOOD



1. Every problem you have is spiritual.



2. In every romance movie, someone must die.



3. It is possible to hit a person without actually touching them!



4. Anyone who gets hit by a car dies immediately.



5. Poisoned food tastes better,



6. The best way to make money is by visiting a 'Babalawo'.



7. At least one of a pair of twins (identical or not) is born evil.



8. There is never an end to your suffering, except death!



9. With a pastor,  all things are possible



10. A movie can be titled anything,  such as - the boy is mine, Two rats, Spanner, Calculator,



11. A movie has not been made if at least one actor/actress has not- 'shelled', twisted his/her lips to speak wrong phonetics',



12. You are in love,  you want to take your girl out, the best place you take her to is,  Mr. Biggs, Tantalizers, the beach or the best- take her to buy some new ugly clothes.



13. An Igbo movie has been made if,



* You visit a 'Babalawo'



* A fleet of cars is shown off



* Kanayo 'O' Kanayo is in the movie, Pete Udochie is also there too!



* To get rich it is mandatory you join a cult



14. Gun shots and Knock-out sound the same!



15. Most times the title has absolutely nothing to do with the movie.



16. A love story has not been produced if it does not have one or two of the following cast actresses-



* Stella Damascus



* Stephanie Okere



17. The police are extremely 'efficient' unlike their counterparts in real life,



18. An actress can wear the same hairdo for more than a year,



19. It is permissible to wear very dark shades in the night!



20. When you are shot in the chest, it really doesn't matter; your head will be bandaged! Same for your



legs!



21. When advertising a movie, you really should shout because,  people are deaf?



22. When you are extremely poor, you will still be able to afford- very good furniture, T.V., but you won't be able to send your kids to school

okay u forget this important one, anyman wey sleep with woman way e no like when I'm drink must give de woman belly

You also forgot:

1. An actor can wear the same dress in four different non related movies.

2. All ghosts and spirits wear the same white rode with gloves and a face covered with calamine lotion.

3. All movies and sold at the same places. 51/52 Iweka road onitsha, 11 ebinpeju lane, idumota, lagos, 1/2 pound road Aba.

4. All movies must end with any of these phrases; To God be the Glory, In God we trust, or You'll reap what you sow.

5. The title of the movie must be mentioned at one point during the movie.

Example

Movie title; The boy is mine.

Scene; Stephanie Okereke arguing with Genevieve on the phone;

STEPHANIE; You had better stay away from my boyfriend. this is the last time I'm going to warn you. The Boy is mine, do you hear me. I said the Boy is mine.

6. All Scenes showing off a celebration of any kind containing alot of food and drinks be it a club, birthday party, traditional and white wedding or burial, must last for atleast 10 to 15minutes.

7. When a man is about to throw his wife out of the house, her bags are always already packed and ready to go.

8. All movies must have a minimum of two parts and a maximum of (no limit)

9. And weneva whoeva returns from the US, they wear a dress with either the american flag on it, I love NY, or some hip-hop git up and then they start speaking this outrageous phonetics.



TO GOD BE THE GLORY

All very true and funny. . . . . .

. . . . . .  . .  .And majority of part two is a flash back of part one,  lol, 

. . . . ,  . . . . The so called summary of the movie tells u all the movie is about 

,  . . . . . .  ,   ,  U can see their faces shinning from the effect of ROBB,

to forcefully bring tears out from their eyes,  ,   lmao


GRAB UR COPY NOW . ,   . . . 

I've got more

Continues

10. The most unnecessary scenes are shown in slow motion. e.g like ramsey noah slapping  his driver.

11. Everytime a deity is about to strike a victim, the same effect are used with the cameras shaking unnecessarily.

12. The blood looks like ribenna or Zobo.

13. A son and his father look the same age. e.g. Nkem Owoh (son), Sam Loco (father).

If jim iyke is from a poor family, he is self made who wants to marry a rich man's daughter. And if he is from a rich family, he is in love with a poor girl but his parents won't alloy him to marry her. Which ever way, he ends up marrying the girl against all oppositions.

 
lmao@ 30 year hair do

A Nollywood actress is not a true Nollywood actress unless she wears at least one or two horrendous wigs per film (please refer to the film "Abuja connection" for some examples).

A true Nollywood movie has a background theme song whose lyrics summarize the whole film and even let you know how it ends, in advance.

In a true Nollywood movie, you will see at least one close up shot of an actor's shoes, for no reason. They will do this whether the shoe looks good or not.

A true Nollywood film will contain at least one unlikely twist and many unrealistic coincidences (e.g. the main character's girlfriend turns out to be his sister, and the gateman turns out to be his father).

 
Can someone tell me to stop laughing out loud.

let me pick put the ones that`s killing me most:

- when someone is recounting an experience, he/she must always pause about 5 seconds and stare into the camera while the "remembered" scene loads

- A church rat or a poor man can afford a well furnished apartment and still be starving

- If jim iyke is from a poor family, he is self made who wants to marry a rich man's daughter. And if he is from a rich family, he is in love with a poor girl but his parents won't alloy him to marry her. Which ever way, he ends up marrying the girl against all oppositions


- If jim iyke is from a poor family, he is self made who wants to marry a rich man's daughter. And if he is from a rich family, he is in love with a poor girl but his parents won't alloy him to marry her. Which ever way, he ends up marrying the girl against all oppositions

- A son and his father look the same age. e.g. Nkem Owoh (son), Sam Loco (father).


- When a man is about to throw his wife out of the house, her bags are always already packed and ready to go.

- And weneva whoeva returns from the US, they wear a dress with either the american flag on it, I love NY, or some hip-hop git up and then they start speaking this outrageous phonetics.

-  An actor can wear the same dress in four different non related movies.

- When you are shot in the chest, it really doesn't matter; your head will be bandaged! Same for your legs!



Nollywood indeed!!! 

only in nollywood will u c a US blockbuster released last week and the nollywood version is released the following week.eg set it off (queen latifah,jada pinkett etc)and most wanted (regina askia,ibinabor etc) highly disgusting film imagine this- regina bust in a room where this heafty guy tries to beat up ibinabor and puts her behind and says don't worry i'll take care of him rolling up her sleeves  and putting up her fist for combat only to disappoint me by screaming and jumping on the guy and he fell on the bed just like that, no fist  fight no nada i was so pissed i just went off to sleep.    

na film trick b that naa

or the return of the bia bia man starring peter edochie 

the worst thing about nollywood is that their movies are all the same.

but she doesnt love nor knoe you