Exploration of Life

Exploration of Life

Eyes closed or blind folded, either way it's dark
walking, fumbling, falling, lost
trying to find a way
any way will do

wrong turns, hard curves
dangerously traveling close to the edge
tredding through mud, I stop and rest in an unsafe place
not where I want to be
which way now?

Something grabs me and I run
or, was that someone pulling me from this....
either way I resisted.

Dark, lost, scared, but proud
where to now?

The blindfold is removed or the lights come on
I see I was in a horrible place
full of monsters, demons, and unspeakable things
I see, I know where to go

Tired, weak, but moving
not yet there but arriving
Exploring life.


V

Hum...

I'm here, in my home, in my bed at 9:49 pm.  I am very tired.  When did I get so old?  I remember times when my night was just beginning at this hour.

School starts soon.  I will be up by 5:45a, I would have left the house no later than 6:40a and I wouldn't step foot back inside until 10:30.10:05 if I drive like a mad woman.

Where has the time gone?  I was so carefree, unrestrained, daring.... hum.I guess I'm taking more time to analyze a situation instead of diving right in.  Would that make me restrained or careful?

I've slipped into the routine of work/home, work/school/home, home/church.  Another body scurrying up and down the roads.  Another drifter.

I wonder what a woman with the same stats as myself, located on the other side of the world is doing right now.  Is she asleep?  Does she have a home?  A family who cares for her?  Access to Nairaland?

When I was younger I had a friend who lived in my closet.  I would talk to that friend for hours as if there was really someone there.  I would laugh at his jokes, try to say something that would make him laugh.  It was just me in that room.  I guess trying to reach out to someone, looking for someone to connect with.  To share stupid jokes with, to say something to try and make them laugh.

In a way, this forum is like that friend of mine in the closet.  I can't actually see you but I talk to you.  I want to connect with you.  I want to laugh at your jokes and say thing that would make you laugh.  Instead of me talking to myself, I'm actually talking to someone out there.  Someone that may be my neighbor or someone that may live on the other side of the globe.  It's thrilling.  I love it.  And I am no longer making sense.maybe I wasn't making sense to begin with.  You know what that means, that means it's bed time for Vexxy.

At least I made it till 10:03pm. 

Good night, Nairaland.

V

Thank you Mom:

I just wanted to take some time to tell you how much I love and appreciate you.  I know I tell you this all the time but I truly don't think you know the depth of my love for you.  You are a very strong and determined woman.  You taught me to stand firm in my beliefs and to not let anyone use me as a mat (although it has happened, thank you for being there for me when it did).

I want you to know that I think you are extremely beautiful.  You are a beautiful woman inside and out.  There are none that can can compare to you.  I admire your stamina, your ability to adjust, the love you show toward your family, your focus, and your smile.

You've brought me up to respect people and there differences, you've taught me that there are no evil people, just people who do evil things.  You've taught me that forgiveness is important and to look at everyone as an individual, not a group. 

I love you, woman!


Thank you Dad:

We've had our "ups" and "down's" but we've shared more "up's" together.  I want to thank you for teaching me to love music.  Thank you for singing at every event in my life, you know I love when you do that.  Thank you for teaching me to sing and for allowing me to tag along on some of your concerts.

I admire your work.  I respect the fact that you could still be traveling (which you so love to do) but you decided to become a teacher and share your knowledge with those who are mentally challenged.  It takes a lot of patience that most people do not possess.  You are one in a million.

I miss you, a lot.  I know I don't call or come around as much as I used to but I need to change that.  You only have one father and I need to show you love.  I need to show you that I support you and I still believe in you.  You are an amazing man.

Thank you.


V

Picture dated: Dec. 1976

To Whom It May Concern:


I have realized that you are specifically out to bring me down.  Yes.  I have taken notice of you, don’t think I haven’t.  I’ve seen the way you purposely set things up that I may walk into a trap.  I’ve seen the way you peek over your shoulder when you are talking about me, trying to make sure I’m not around.  Oh yes.  I know you well.  I’ve seen your tricks.

I’ve seen how I go out of my way to assist you and you pay me back with back stabbing, ungratefulness, and gossiping to whomever is willing to listen.  You think I don’t know, but I do.  I’ve seen your beautiful smile laced with hatred toward me.  I’ve seen your eyes sparkle when I’ve fallen.  I’ve seen your phoniness.  Oh yes, I’ve seen it.

I’m just here to let you know that I’m still here.  Hello, hi, yes, I’m still here.  Oh, I know you think you’ve altered my path.  I know you think I’m on that road to destruction, but I’m not.  I continue to smile.  I continue to move forward, with or without your support.

I know you think all of your little tricks are working.  Working to push me out of the way; but you must not know who you’re dealing with.  I’m a survivor.  You don’t weaken me, I grow stronger.  You can’t bring me down, I elevate.  You can’t discourage me, I keep moving.

I’m actually here to thank you.  Thank you for being that sand paper in my life to smooth out my rough edges.  Are there more like you out there to get me?  Yup, I’m positive of it.  But, I’m here to say: Bring it on momma; I’m ready.

On The Way Up,

Vexxy

Coach Gibbs:

Look, Gibbs, I respect you, a lot.  I’ll even go as far as to say that I like you.  I’ve grown up under your leadership of the Redskins.  I remember our triumphant Super Bowls in ’82, ’87, and ’91.  Ok, so maybe not ’82 as much seeing as though I was only a 1 year old. 

I can tell you that I do remember cheering so hard for the Redskins.  I believed each and every year that you will lead us back to the Super Bowl.  Yes, there were those years that you left us, but you’ve returned.  I still believe in your ability as a coach to take us far.

With that being said:

Get Patrick Ramsey off of the field.  TAKE. HIM. OFF. NOW!  He under throws every ball in every play….that is unless he’s handing it off.  He does not believe in his own ability and I don’t want to sit out another Super Bowl year because you want to give him a chance. 

What’s that you say? It’s only pre-season?  I know this!  But the guy threw an interception during the first quarter (Steelers @ Washington).  THE FIRST QUARTER!  Who does that?  Then he under throws every Hail Mary attempt, leaving our guys wide open wondering what happened.

(Oh, and Moss, beautiful catch by the way; I like how you saw the ball was under thrown but you reached and held tight.  Keep it up.)

Another thing, Coach: Our defense stinks.  How come we are not holding the line?  We used to have such an amazing defense, you couldn’t get anywhere.  Now all I see are these teams running through us.  The offensive quarterback’s pockets are allowing them enough time to bake bread!  What happened?

That brings me to our offense….weak, but getting better. 

Come on, Coach.  Make me proud this year.

A Faithful Fan,

V

Unknown Actions

Who knows how many things go wrong in a day
Who knew what is straight now was once astray
Who knew how much time and effort it took
To pay attention to the details that we most often overlook
Have you thought of how much time and effort was paid
For us to stand on this great foundation that was laid

This is for the one who works hard while the rest of us play
The one who carries the burdens, no matter how much they weigh
So this is my tribute, my salute to you
For the unknown actions no one sees you do

V

Why is it so hard to open up to someone?  Does it have to be so difficult to find a true friend?

What if all I want is someone to talk to, someone who will listen to what I have to say, no matter how silly it may seem.  What if all I want is someone to share secrets with, someone who trusts me enough to share secrets with me?

Why must strings be attached?

What’s with the ulterior motive?

I don’t want to be used anymore.  I don’t want to be called upon as a friend when only you are in need.  I don’t want to be that shoulder you cry on when you’re upset, only to find you gone when all is well.

I don’t want to be that mat you step on to get to where you really want to be.  I don’t want to be that thing you pluck from the shelf whenever you spy me from a distance and realize you’ve put me away. 

I don’t want to be the one you put down that you may feel better. 

I don’t want to be your personal bank.

Don’t use my emotions against me. 

You know I open myself, gullible as ever, wanting so bad to cling onto what you’ve never cherished. 

Until this time, I’ve never realized how fragile I can be.  How hurt I become, how much suffering I endure….all within.  Never to be seen by a person whom I don’t know truly likes me for me.  Do you even care?  Probably not.

But it’s been said.  And I feel better.

V

We are 10 days away from hitting the four year mark of the September 11th terrorist attack and I still flinch when a plane goes over my head.

Get a grip, V.

I have such a long road ahead of me.  Sometimes I wonder if I’ll make it to the end still standing tall…or as tall as a person who is 5’0” can stand.

I look at the challenges I am bound to face and sometimes I just sigh.  Will I get there?  Will I make it to the light at the end of the tunnel?  Then there are times when I look and I decide not to look any more.  Just focus on the place where I am now.

But you know it’s not how long the road is; it’s more about the journey itself. 

I must say that I am truly enjoying the journey. 

I am enjoying the speed bumps on the road because they are strengthening me.  I enjoy the curves because sometimes not knowing what’s around that bend is thrilling.  I enjoy the stop signs because it teaches me patience.  I enjoy the forks because it shows that where I am is because of the choices I’ve made. 

What if they’re bad choices you say? 

Well, looking back at the forks and seeing where I am now I would hope that there was a consistent sign of growth and maturity in each decision.  Boy am I loving the journey. 

Making choices and moving forward. 

I must say that I love to drive.  I love the feel of the road, I love the acceleration, the stops, the changing lanes, the quick thinking, the decision making process.  Although I know I have some where to be, it's the getting there that I love the most.  That's how I like to look at life.

Like the old Volks Wagon commercial: On the road of life there are passengers and there are drivers, which one will you be?

I just want to know that I was a driver.


V

Sometimes I find myself in situations that change my outlook on life.  Good or bad, it sparks something within me.

There are certain people I meet, or events in my life that have a profound impact on me.  I walk away from the encounter mesmerized. 

An event took place today that had me thinking that life is just too short.

Yes, we know that.  But sometimes we need to be reminded.

Some people go to bed at night, never waking up to see the morning.

Some go off to work, not to return.

Some are in the hospital.

Some are neglected and rejected.

In a blink of the eye, our situation can change. 

I thought to myself a few years ago: What can I do to make sure I don’t regret life?

Some would say to live out your dreams.  Some would say to go for it all.  Some would say to look out for “number one.”

I want to make sure that I love, appreciate, and accept all those that I come in contact with.

I want to love them, even if at the moment I may not necessarily like them.  I want to appreciate them for being a person who has different dreams, ambitions, and goals in life.  I want to accept them even if I don’t necessarily agree with them.  They deserve that.  We all do.

So, take this as my note to you saying that I love you, I appreciate you, and I accept you for who you are.

I also want to challenge you:

If you had one hour to live. . . .

Who would you call. . . .

What would you say. . .

And what are you waiting on?

V

Soaring through an endless sky.

My God, it is so beautiful up here.

Flying above breath-taking clouds, seeing blue in so many shades.  It's so amazing

My God, it's so beautiful up here.

I've never felt so much peace, so tranquil, almost hypnotic.  The sky is so amazing.  I don't know where it ends or if it even does.

My God, it's so beautiful up here.

Daring myself to look down, I see the world in patterns.  There are squares and rectangles.  I see lakes.  They are nestled almost lovingly by surrounding land.

My God, it's so beautiful up here.

Eyes following the streams as they run through the land.  They are running to the bigger body of water that's patiently awaiting its arrival and all of the beings that it will carry.

My God, it's so beautiful up here.

I can just feel the wind on my face, the sun warming my heart.  Flying with the birds, such freedom!  I never want this feeling to end; I don't want to land.  Take me higher, take me farther.

My God, it's so beautiful up here.

Fourth Quarter, score: 13-0.  My team was losing.

Washington Redskins vs. Dallas Cowboys.  A rivalry that has been in place since the beginning of the National Football League.  We’ve lost against them for 7 ½ years straight.  It was plain to everyone that the losing streak would continue.

Fourth Quarter Time left: 3 minutes, 47 seconds; we score a touch down

Fourth Quarter Time left: 2 minutes, 36 seconds; we score another touch down

We are in the lead and we hold that lead until the clock runs out.  We won for the first time against this team in 7 ½ years and it was done on their own turf. 

I’m telling you this because it taught me a lesson.  Never give up hope.  Never.  Sometimes we are in a position where it looks as if there is no chance of us coming out victorious.

There are those around us waiting for us to fail, so sure of their prediction of our outcome.

There are those who believed in you in the beginning but start to waiver in the end.

But don’t give up on yourself.  You know you’re ability and sometimes that ability will amaze you.  Stay in the fight.  Stay focused on the goal.  Always move forward.  It’s not over until the clock runs out.

There’s always hope.

V

Journal,

I know that I haven’t been communicating with you as much as I have in the past.  Forgive me for that.  Things have been a bit hectic for me and I have not been able to spend the time I should in expressing myself.  I know it’s been a while because I feel like stepping outside and screaming until I’m light headed.

When it gets like that, it’s time to write.

I will not bore you or even myself with inane details of my life and to recount them would only annoy me further.  Let’s just say that the past few weeks have been excruciating but survivable.  

I have been told that to hold emotions in makes you miserable.  I believe that, truly I do.  I just have a little problem of letting them out.  In a way I feel as if I’m complaining when truthfully I have no right to be.  I feel as if I’m whining when there is so much more to think about.  It makes me feel as if I’m ungrateful.  Like they say, no matter how bad it is for you, remember there is someone out there who has it worse.

I hate to release myself to my friends because I feel it would only annoy them.  You know, most people ask the innocent question of “How are you?” when they can really care less how you truly feel.  They’re just merely being polite.

So, I end up holding everything in and I place all smiles for the world to see.  Inside struggling, outside kosher.  I try not to be this way but I am.  

Do you know what I dislike most about myself?  I get frustrated at the things I cannot change.  I get all bent out of shape thinking over things that I cannot control.  I have absolutely no power over certain situations yet I boil inside.  Things happen in life, I just need to learn the best way to deal with them and move on.

Sometimes I think I’m unhappy.  Would I share this with anyone?  No.  Why would they care?  They have other problems to sort through.  Besides, I may find my peace in helping others get through a storm.

I don’t know how true that is.  Maybe I’m trying to console myself.  I honestly don’t even know why I’m writing this.  Guess that means I should end this entry.

V

Lately I’ve been going trough a few things.  I’ve been unhappy with either myself, a situation I’ve been in, the handling of the situation, or the outcome thereof.  A lot of these things are personal, very personal. 

I’ve currently been going through one situation for 1 ½ years.  It’s not been easy and I have not spoken of it.  I’ve continued to let it stay deep inside of me. 

I did have a friend once that I was able to share these things with.  She was my close confidant.  I loved her dearly but she moved very far away.  We no longer have contact the way we should and I must admit it’s my fault.

Now, as I seek out one to talk to, one who I feel can understand the depth of which this situation causes me to suffer, I find none.

Oh, I have a friend who I can talk to but this is beyond that friends’ capability, maybe; it’s too hard to even bring up.

It is funny how I seek out help, peace, solace from someone.  I seem to be just looking for soothing words, comforting words, or just words of encouragement.  I look out and find none. 

Maybe this is the time I need to look inward and upward.  Living in microwave food times I find it hard to wait on anything; always looking for the fastest possible solution.

I will be patient with this one.

I will bide my time.

I will overcome this.


V

Yes, it hurts.
Reflecting on words
So easily said and taken in
Causing pain
Hard to forget

Not from anyone
But from the one you love
It means more
The wound is deeper

Focus on this
Focus on that
It never works
Your heart remembers

Clean here
Sweep here
There are dishes to be done
But what does it matter

Yes, it hurts.


V

I want off.

I'm so sick of this.  One day up, one day down, next day up, day after down. 

But you know what?  I know that God is fighthing this battle.  The testimony from this trial will be so great that you'd know it's something only God could do.

Waiting on the Lord,

V