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nonso3k (m)
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hello,
i wrote this poem about a year or so ago,but i still kind of have it fresh on my mind.i would like a good or rather better poet to tell me what he or she thinks about it.
cry not brother
at my moment of departure
cause am not done
but only gone
if only you listen
you'll hear me calling
and when am singing
i only pray you'll stop mourning
cause am still very much around
and for the love by which we abound
I'll wait upon thee till the right time.
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Ojukwu_rsg (m)
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Nice poem. Sounds likes a dirge. I like simple topic, so I probably will call it GONE  |
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stillwater (f)
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I'm not a poet nor a literary critic, so I can't give you any advice relating to your poem. But I would like to say it's a nice poem and your words had meaning. I could feel the emotions in the construction of each phrase.
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morenike09 (f)
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I used to love writing poems as my hobby. . . This poem has the tone of sorrowI don't kow why. It's speaker is deadyet it's telling "you", probably it's lover, that it's still here. . . this poem hides a lot of memories, one of passion. . . I love this kind of poem, this poem is not that great (no offense), but it brings back memories for meI'll call it. . . STILL HEREI know it might sound a little corny , but those words have a lot of meaning to them, to me  Nice poem by the way |
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janami (f)
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@poster
nice poem.
@ojukwu
"Gone" sounds really nice. i love one word titles, but the poet says he is still very much around, probly still has unfinished business. i dnt really think "gone" is an appropriate title. wot do u think?
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stillwater (f)
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I'll call it. . . STILL HERE Good!!!! But STILLWATER would have been better  |
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morenike09 (f)
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LOL!! thanksyou wish!  |
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ibkaye (f)
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lovely poem I agree with Ojukwu, you should name it 'GONE' |
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nanaboi (m)
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So I'm not the only one afterall. I always have a problem titling my works - maybe because I like condensed and uncommon titles and find it had sometimes to concoct one.
Let me try, um , well, maybe later
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jydeboy
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EPITAPH is the best title. Pray, are you still alive?
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Ojukwu_rsg (m)
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I choose the title GONE based on the clues given by the writer - departure - gone - cry not - still much around It also sounds like the person is 'bodily' gone but maybe spiritually around. The mourning also point to this. Another analogy is Fela 'Kuti Fela is GONE, but he is still here. We hear him when we listen. |
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janami (f)
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ok. i understand now. from your explanation, "gone" seems very appropriate
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real_demi (f)
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@Title
I prefer 'STILL HERE' because it is obvious the person speaking in the poem though gone is still very much around/alive (spirit) and promises to be till the appropriate time. He still lives on.
@nonso3k
The poem carries warmth and feeling though it could still be better.Permit me to make some alterations on the poem.
STILL HERE
Cry not brother
At my moment of departure
For I am not done
But only gone
If only you'D listen
You'D hear me calling
And when I'm singing
I pray you would stop mourning
Cause am still very much around
For the love by which we are bound
I'll wait upon thee till the right time.
This is not the best I could make of it but i didn't want to do much alteration.
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Sisikill
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Very emotional and beautiful poem.
As for the nameI go for Still Here
He's gone but still here.
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nonso3k (m)
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tx to you all.you're all such wonderful fellas.lots of love.you can mail me at nonso3k@yahoo.com |
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True Brit
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@ Poster,
While this is poetry and belongs in the Poem Section, I'D say I think an appropriate title for your poem is "Lingering On" or "Lingering Presence"
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nonso3k (m)
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so wad up with this section anyways nobody is talking?
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