Laughing, Loving and Living - Diary of a Free Spirit

I sit here lost inside my head
Remembering everything u said
The silence gets us no where way too fast

My ex called me today and showed me the person I used to be; he bared his heart and soul and I saw how much pain I put hum through. I pushed him out of my life and shut the door behind him…. Thinking back now he didn’t deserve it but I didn’t care because I didn’t feel anything. I didn’t want to feel so I didn’t let myself, I guess I was trying to protect myself from getting hurt but in doing so I hurt so many wonderful people, was it really worth it? Its too late now, that door is firmly shut and can never be opened. I could only apologise for being who I was, I hate that person and I never want to be her again. I fear tho that she is coming back, I feel the coldness creeping into my heart and I am loosing grip of who I am. I want to care, I want to feel….  I’m miserable again, I just want absolute silence……

For the first time in days I am completely alone with my thoughts, no where to run…. I have decided to let the darkness come, there was no escaping it.

Keeping a journal was supposed to be therapeutic; I thought it would be the one place where I could just express my raw emotion without feeling the need to explain myself but all it has succeeded in doing to creating misunderstandings. _{(I shouldn’t be surprised though, seeing as it is a public forum and whatever I write is open to any interpretation)}. Perhaps I should give the whole thing up and just keep my issues inside like I’ve always done…,  But this the one place where I can be completely selfish, where I can reflect on me and only me, why should I stop? I don’t want to…,

I have often said I had to grow up long before I was ready to _{(I guess that’s why I still hold on tightly to many aspects of my childhood)} I saw and experienced the evil in human beings long before I could understand what it all meant. Perhaps someday I will be able to find the words to talk about it or better still I would be able to let go and end the torture that always comes in the darkness.

I remember watching my mum going through difficulties when I was little and I would go and sit with her while she cried. She used to say to me that in times of darkness to always count my blessings and it would all feel better. I didn’t understand what she meant for a long time until I began to face troubles of my own. I am trying to count my blessings right now, its the only way I can let go of the negativity. I have a funny little ritual whenever I feel down, I reach out to my family. My mum is my rock and her voice has a calming effect that nothing else has. She is the reason I am able to pull myself out of my darkness. I watched her struggle against society, family and herself, I watched her triumphs and failures, I watched her pick herself up whenever she had a fall and most importantly I watched her reach out to people and love completely even when all she got in return was betrayal, heartache and disappointment.

Someone once told me that I lived life at 200mph _{(Maybe this would explain why I am such an adrenaline junkie and always in search of excitement),} and that I needed to slow down to let life catch up with me. The honest truth is I am afraid, letting life catch up with me would me I would I have to face the darkness and have no escape. I have always had a fascination death and it has wrongly been interpreted as being suicidal. I love, laugh and cry like everyday is my last, I don’t like to waste emotions on hate or dwell on things that are unimportant to me or might never be. I feel like I am running out of time…

I need to concentrate on what and who is important. Once again I have no words to explain this to those who care and they have to be locked away like everything else. I sometimes feel like I’m drowning in all those locked away feelings and emotions and I have to fight to get some air. I want to slow down, I don’t want to run anymore but I need something more to hold on to. In the spirit of acceptance (being the theme of my life right now) it is slowly sinking in that I can’t make anyone listen or understand if they’re not ready to.

Life at 30 mph would be incredibly slow and difficult. . . . I'm not sure if i'm ready for that yet.

All my life i keep meeting people who want to fix me. Maybe thats why I'm not so open to the idea of making new friends, i don't need anyone to tell me whats best for me! Ofcourse being told by someone I consider as one of my closest friends that I am lost and I will get over it, is kind of world shattering. . . .      there are many things in my past that i don't like to acknowledge or think about, many things that would hav broken my spirit and made me another person today,  i survived them all and i am completely contented with who i am today. maybe they did have an effect but i don't think its all negative. i don't carry around bitterness and I don't let whatever hurt i hav felt in the past to hold me back from what i want! I just wish people would see this and quit trying to fix what is not broken.

I recently found out that the past 2 months have been based on a lie. . .  I am having trouble trusting,  sorting out what was and is real and what was and is not. I am having trouble deciding whether to just let it all go or to try and continue with the new changes. I hate being in this position, being so unsure of myself and in some ways not knowing who i am. Sometimes i really want to hold on and fight for whatever we have left, but I'm not sure if i have the will or strength. . . .  letting go would be giving in to defeat and i don't like to loose. . .

Ever so often in life, something comes up in your path. . .  you can either smash into them or adjust yourself and find your way around them in order to move on.

I have always smashed into things in my path, but I have so many things going on in my life right now that i don't have much energy left to do any smashing. I am finding adjusting really difficult because it means i have to deal with uncertainties, regret, disappointments and most especially the fear of the unknown.

Today I had a very strong feeling that certain things were said about me in an entirely different context than originally meant. . .  ok I'm being extremely evasive, but its a nagging feeling I've got and to pursue that line would be to raise up unnecessary dust. Letting it go is not in my nature but i really must. . . .  Ever felt like the 3rd wheel in a friendship ring? I kind of feel that way myself right now, I feel like loyalties remain where they always have and there isnt much balance. . .  but I'll let it go, it may be my mind messing with me again 

I'm nervous and apprehensive, I'll be on my way to Nigeria by this time tomorrow,  . .  I am looking forward to seeing my family again but I am planning on coming out clean to them, I'm tired of all the lies and half-truths. . . Its watching the disappointment in their faces that I am scared of and I hope i can see it through, I feel  like such a failure but i really can't keep things from them any longer. I need to do this in order to move on.

My trip tomorrow is still very iffy, I'm in such a mess at the moment. . .  How did I ever get to this point?

I tried to confide in a friend the other day, bless him but he had no idea what i was on about. He kept trying to simplify things down to a single problem and solution. . . Men are totally useless when it comes to these things, don't know why I even bothered. The only person who would have come close to understanding doesnt need me in her life right now and has moved on. . . I'm back on my own again, the way it used to be 

I miss the old me, the happy-go-lucky adrenaline junkie. Depression is so boring. . .

I'm learning a lesson in acceptance at the moment. Second chances don't come around too often and when we miss the perfect opportunity to say what we really mean, doing so later might be too late to make a difference. Many things have been misread, misunderstood or misinterpreted, I'm dying to explain all but whats the point? I missed the perfect opportunity and it doesnt look like I'm getting a second chance. . . 

Turns out I might also be heading to Dubai and Cyprus as well. . . So why am i not bloody excited?

I feel more like myself now, I'm still carrying alot of sadness about tho but its all about things that i have no control over so waiting and acceptance is the game. I've got to wake up every morning and go through the motions, but deep down I'm waiting on the world to right itself. . . silly i know but i'm an eternal optimist. I've been advised to be patient (even tho that it one of my biggest failings) that things always work themselves out. i can't help but worry tho, I'm beginning to see that maybe I am some sort of control freak who has to have everything a certain way. The world doesnt work that way sadly. . . We find love and friendships in the most unlikely places and when we least expect it. . . sometimes we recognise it early enough to appreciate it and sometimes we don't until its too late. I'm hoping its not too late for me tho. . . don't worry i'm not inlove. . . lol. you'll be the first to know if i was.

I'll definitely be on a plane d day after tomorrow, i see no reason why I shdnt this time. Someone pressed the pause button on my life at the moment and I can't figure out how to get it going again. Maybe going to Nigeria is it. . .  It better be anyways, I hate this feeling of suspended animation. the recent heat wave hasnt helped matters much too, at least it looks like its going to be a cool day. there is hope, I might actually get some things done today

So last week I made a promise to remain celibate while i'm in Nigeria, been thinkin about it recently, I havent been celibate in ages, don't know if even remember how. . . lol. I havent started on a good note tho, I did stay awake till 4a.m. flirting,   I can already see that that is going to one promise that is going to be a challenge. The weird thing tho is that I am happy to do this, I don't feel forced or coerced and I kind of feel excited about it. I'm going to prove everyone wrong and my poor dildo is going to get a hell of a work out  . I guess my journal is going to more fun from now on.

I really need to search for that passport. . . .

Yesterday, I spent the day hanging out with my ex; I needed some distraction as i was getting quite tense and unnecessarily stressed. It ended up a surprisingly fun day. We talked and laughed, just like the old days, it was quite easy to fall back into that routine. I was quite mean to him in the past and he amazingly bears no grudges. I couldn’t stop apologising tho, he literarily had to tell me to shut up, I guess being put in the same situation made me realise how hard it must hav been for him. He gave me some valuable advice, we have no power over other people’s thoughts and emotions, we take what they offer us and do the best we can with it or we don’t!

My house is in chaos right now but I’m refusing to stress, we are expecting family from abroad today and I still have alot to do to get the house ready. I have decided not to rush things, I realised the mornings are the only time I am guaranteed some peace and quiet so I am going to milk it for what its worth. Not that I’m complaining or anything but I’m livin for my family at the moment and I have gotten quite used to living alone and doing things at my pace. The loner in me is screaming for some air and I need to breathe.

We leave for Dubai on Saturday; I am trying not to think about it too much. . . .  my mum woke up on a very positive note, dancing and very joyful, she decided the trip would be fine and I believe her, I don’t want any negative thoughts to enter my head. My worst fears have all come to pass in the last couple of months but I’m fine. Life goes on. . . .

It’s raining and I have errands to run

xxx

I went street racing today . . .  even worse; I raced my mum’s brand new car (I know crazy right?). . .  lol. Thinkin about it now I am thankful I didn’t crash. How the hell would I hav explained it? I’m never doing it again, that was something from the past, that went away with my youth. I am more responsible now, imagine me running a home, taking care of a sick mum and supporting my younger brother. Someone said to me the other day that they didn’t think it was in me to be domestic, to be honest, I didn’t think it was in me either. It is very draining tho and that is why I think I had to let my hair down.

It was an awesome day tho, after the race I took a long high seed drive, with the windows wound down, cigarette in hand and heavy metal music blaring out of the speakers. Many people must have thot I was well and truly mad . . . lol. I love the rush of adrenaline through me, the excitement of living on the edge, I haven’t  felt that kind of excitement in a long time, I felt like I was free of all the things weighing down, I even got an epiphany. . . . lol. Yeah I am definitely an adrenaline junkie 

BTW I will be singing a solo in church tomorrow?  I bumped into the church music director the other day and he recognised me from years ago when I was in the choir and he was the choir master. He somehow convinced me to sing a solo this Sunday, so come the 10am; I will be standing in front of a crowd of nothing less than 300 people. The good thing tho is that it’s a song I know well and am comfortable with. I manage to squeeze in a practice during d week so it shdnt turn out too bad. . . (fingers toes and every other extremity crossed). If I pull it off my mum would be ohhh sooooo proud 

The later part of the day was spent hanging out by the lagoon with a couple of guys whom i’ve known for a while but who i don’t really consider as close friends. We had a few beers and very pleasant conversation. . . .  thats the one thing i can't get in the UK. One of the guys said something that really struck a nerve,  he said i was a one of those rear breed of happy-go-lucky free spirits, who needed room to spread their wings. He said it is difficult to most people to understand and i needed to let it all go and not give in to the pressure to change to a boring old fart (his words, i swear), that i don’t do stress very well so why do i bother. . .  it all made sense in a weird kind of way and i suddenly felt all warm and fuzzy inside. I agree, I don’t handle stress very well. . . brings out the monster inside,   

I just got home after a very exciting day, I’m quite tipsy (not drunk, just tipsy) and quite frankly very  horny, but I’m supposed to be celibate. I don’t know if my promise still stands with the way things are at the moment, but I’m going to stay off sex, just for me. . .  I’ll tell u about it some other time.

Ciao
xxx

Dubai is beautiful i must admit. . . but I'll never live here, too freaking hot!

The journey was hell. . . Nigerians are a bunch of irritants. Took us over 4hrs to check in at MMA and even then we were treated like we were being done favours and ended up with really crappy seats. It was a rough flights, turbulence all the way coupled with the noise and and manners of Nigerian traders _{who made up majority of the passengers}. . . lets just say i was in a very bad mood when we finally landed. I'm here tho and thats all that matters. Haven't been up to much, sleeping all day and trying to get used to the time difference. .its 3hrs ahead here but my body is still on Nigerian time 

My mum and I had a long chat today, about life and its ups and downs, friendships and choices. She kept saying to me to be carefull, that even tho I have the best intentions there are people who would prefer to focus on the bad just to make themselves feel better. My mum is very observant and knows i am struggling to deal with many dissappointmets, she doesn't ever ask about my personal struggle but i know i can talk to her about anything. I guess thats what mothers do, they just know. i find myself worrying about her more these days. In the past, i used to see her as invincible, that she could do anything but as time goes by and i watch her age, she seems more human to me. . .

its past 5:00 am, i really should get some sleep

Its 5:00am and i just took a very long hot shower (it was well over an hour long). We are staying in an amazing 4 star hotel, with a gorgeous bathroom and an amazing shower. I stood there with the soothing jet stream running down my back and i cried. I am not sad or hurting, it was a cry of relief. I didn’t realise how tense i had been this past couple of weeks.  Standing there crying, many things ran through my mind and for soem reason i really felt like i needed to share.

For as long as long as i can remember i  have always had the feeling that i was running out of time. . . I have always had a problem seeing myself enter into old age. The funny thing is that i am not afraid of death, if i die tomorrow i wont have many regrets, because i have done alot at my age and more.  I find it funny when people spend so much time worrying about dying that they forget to live. . . everyone dies, that is one truth we can count on. I am actually quite fascinated at the propect of dying, having suffered sever depression i hav had a long struggle with suicidal thoughts but thats not what i mean by my fascination. I occasionally withdraw in myself in search of absolute peace and quiet, where i shut down my mind and just relax. . . it is impossible to do and locking myself up in a silent room is the closest i can ever get. With death, u get it absolutely! My mum is doing ok by the way, her surgery was 7hrs long and more complicated than expected but she is recovering nicely and quite frankly is already getting on my nerves.  

The other night I had a very disturbing dream, I had all this anger, hatred and fear inside me. . . I don’t remember what it was all about but I still feel those emotions. My mum thinks its because I’ve been under a lot of emotional strain in the past week. I suppose I have been; I remember walking into the recovery room right after her surgery and seeing her with all sorts of wires and tubes connected to her. . . she looked at me and or the first time ever I saw fear in her eyes, I have never been so afraid. The surgery was over but I saw my very strong mum who has been my pillar of strength all my life, looking so frail and mortal. . . the rush of emotion was too much and I sobbed. She kept calling out “my baby, my baby, I didn’t die.” She has never been one who was scared of dying but I think her surgery made us both realise, death wasn’t about dying, it was about being taken away from people who love you. Life is not about us alone, but also about bringing joy to the people around us. . . I suddenly have a new respect for my life. (I’ll tone down the risks a little bit   )

Yesterday we watched the a faction of the Anglican communion breakaway as a result of the homosexual crisis, a Nigerian bishop went as far as calling the gay community an abomination. Now I am one for freedom of expression, these people say they didn’t choose their sexuality, it just happens to be what they prefer. Now thinkin of it more rationally, why would anyone choose something so frowned upon and controversial? Taking myself as an example, I like what I like. Some of the things I like are frowned upon by some, I stayed away from these things long enough and that didn’t stop me from liking them. Rather than fight a losing battle I grew to accept that this was who I am. In some ways I can relate to the attack the gay community constantly have to deal with.  Besides, why should any man be defined by their sexuality? We don’t go around judging people who prefer one flavour of ice-cream over another, we don’t discriminate against people who are in a polygamous marriage, we don’t define people by what sexual positions they prefer, so why do so over their choices of sexual partners?  Who are we to pass judgement on them?  These people are human beings with feelings and emotions, it’s the same blood that runs through our veins and they face everyday challenges just like we do, so why make life more difficult? It is a free world we live in and as long as they are not hurting anyone, I don’t see how a person’s sexual orientation is anyone’s business!

My opinions about religion can be perceived as radical that is why I always refrain from joining in any religious debates. I believe there is a God and I believe in him, not just from a dogmatic point of view but also from a rational point of view. If the existence of man was all due to a random event as the evolutionists claim, then what would be the purpose of life? Religion despite its flaws gives us a purpose, a reason for being. . . without it, society will disintegrate and destroy itself in search of that purpose. Take many of the problems in the western worlds for example, alot of scientific advances were made by people who are in search of answers to all of life’s questions and for immortality, quest for wealth and power! God exists because he has to (think about it); religion on the other hand is man-made. Studies have shown that religion has always been a tool in governance, that is why in today’s world, the two can never really be separated.  The bible for an instance is written by men (under the guidance of the Holy Spirit. . . I knw, I knw). I have always been of the belief that the contents of the bible are what the leaders of those days wanted in it. The bible says alot, I can't fault that, but somewhere inside of me I have always wondered, what else happened? What are we not being told?

I had a religious discussion with my aunt (she tricked me into it, I swear) and she advised that I read the grail message. She made some valid points such as Jesus having never written anything with his own hands. Everything we know is from eye witness accounts. I probably will read the book, just to see the answers they have to many of my questions. I don’t intend to convert to the grail movement or any other religion for that matter. I’m just doing some harmless reading  On a serious note tho, religion is mans interpretation of right and wrong; religion today unfortunately takes alot more or alot less into consideration and that is where I have my problem. I have chosen to remain a Christian because its fundamental message is love and forgiveness (the intolerance of the gay community goes in violation of this) we are all sinners, let he without sin cast the first stone! I will remain an Anglican because, I don’t really care what church I attend, every church is defined by their own interpretations of the bible and I resent having other people’s opinions forced on me. Back to the programme on the Anglicans breakaway, a few people so disgusted by the whole thing have set up their own church where gay lovers and haters have agreed to disagree; they sit side-by-side and worship together. Now that is my idea of what the church shld be, why can't we all just get along?

This morning, i have to get on a plane to lagos. . .  its a long story. The good thing tho, is I get a couple of days to catch my breath. . .