Laughing, Loving and Living - Diary of a Free Spirit

I sit here lost inside my head
Remembering everything u said
The silence gets us no where way too fast

My ex called me today and showed me the person I used to be; he bared his heart and soul and I saw how much pain I put hum through. I pushed him out of my life and shut the door behind him…. Thinking back now he didn’t deserve it but I didn’t care because I didn’t feel anything. I didn’t want to feel so I didn’t let myself, I guess I was trying to protect myself from getting hurt but in doing so I hurt so many wonderful people, was it really worth it? Its too late now, that door is firmly shut and can never be opened. I could only apologise for being who I was, I hate that person and I never want to be her again. I fear tho that she is coming back, I feel the coldness creeping into my heart and I am loosing grip of who I am. I want to care, I want to feel….  I’m miserable again, I just want absolute silence……

For the first time in days I am completely alone with my thoughts, no where to run…. I have decided to let the darkness come, there was no escaping it.

Keeping a journal was supposed to be therapeutic; I thought it would be the one place where I could just express my raw emotion without feeling the need to explain myself but all it has succeeded in doing to creating misunderstandings. _{(I shouldn’t be surprised though, seeing as it is a public forum and whatever I write is open to any interpretation)}. Perhaps I should give the whole thing up and just keep my issues inside like I’ve always done…,  But this the one place where I can be completely selfish, where I can reflect on me and only me, why should I stop? I don’t want to…,

I have often said I had to grow up long before I was ready to _{(I guess that’s why I still hold on tightly to many aspects of my childhood)} I saw and experienced the evil in human beings long before I could understand what it all meant. Perhaps someday I will be able to find the words to talk about it or better still I would be able to let go and end the torture that always comes in the darkness.

I remember watching my mum going through difficulties when I was little and I would go and sit with her while she cried. She used to say to me that in times of darkness to always count my blessings and it would all feel better. I didn’t understand what she meant for a long time until I began to face troubles of my own. I am trying to count my blessings right now, its the only way I can let go of the negativity. I have a funny little ritual whenever I feel down, I reach out to my family. My mum is my rock and her voice has a calming effect that nothing else has. She is the reason I am able to pull myself out of my darkness. I watched her struggle against society, family and herself, I watched her triumphs and failures, I watched her pick herself up whenever she had a fall and most importantly I watched her reach out to people and love completely even when all she got in return was betrayal, heartache and disappointment.

Someone once told me that I lived life at 200mph _{(Maybe this would explain why I am such an adrenaline junkie and always in search of excitement),} and that I needed to slow down to let life catch up with me. The honest truth is I am afraid, letting life catch up with me would me I would I have to face the darkness and have no escape. I have always had a fascination death and it has wrongly been interpreted as being suicidal. I love, laugh and cry like everyday is my last, I don’t like to waste emotions on hate or dwell on things that are unimportant to me or might never be. I feel like I am running out of time…

I need to concentrate on what and who is important. Once again I have no words to explain this to those who care and they have to be locked away like everything else. I sometimes feel like I’m drowning in all those locked away feelings and emotions and I have to fight to get some air. I want to slow down, I don’t want to run anymore but I need something more to hold on to. In the spirit of acceptance (being the theme of my life right now) it is slowly sinking in that I can’t make anyone listen or understand if they’re not ready to.

Life at 30 mph would be incredibly slow and difficult. . . . I'm not sure if i'm ready for that yet.

All my life i keep meeting people who want to fix me. Maybe thats why I'm not so open to the idea of making new friends, i don't need anyone to tell me whats best for me! Ofcourse being told by someone I consider as one of my closest friends that I am lost and I will get over it, is kind of world shattering. . . .      there are many things in my past that i don't like to acknowledge or think about, many things that would hav broken my spirit and made me another person today,  i survived them all and i am completely contented with who i am today. maybe they did have an effect but i don't think its all negative. i don't carry around bitterness and I don't let whatever hurt i hav felt in the past to hold me back from what i want! I just wish people would see this and quit trying to fix what is not broken.

I recently found out that the past 2 months have been based on a lie. . .  I am having trouble trusting,  sorting out what was and is real and what was and is not. I am having trouble deciding whether to just let it all go or to try and continue with the new changes. I hate being in this position, being so unsure of myself and in some ways not knowing who i am. Sometimes i really want to hold on and fight for whatever we have left, but I'm not sure if i have the will or strength. . . .  letting go would be giving in to defeat and i don't like to loose. . .

Ever so often in life, something comes up in your path. . .  you can either smash into them or adjust yourself and find your way around them in order to move on.

I have always smashed into things in my path, but I have so many things going on in my life right now that i don't have much energy left to do any smashing. I am finding adjusting really difficult because it means i have to deal with uncertainties, regret, disappointments and most especially the fear of the unknown.

Today I had a very strong feeling that certain things were said about me in an entirely different context than originally meant. . .  ok I'm being extremely evasive, but its a nagging feeling I've got and to pursue that line would be to raise up unnecessary dust. Letting it go is not in my nature but i really must. . . .  Ever felt like the 3rd wheel in a friendship ring? I kind of feel that way myself right now, I feel like loyalties remain where they always have and there isnt much balance. . .  but I'll let it go, it may be my mind messing with me again 

I'm nervous and apprehensive, I'll be on my way to Nigeria by this time tomorrow,  . .  I am looking forward to seeing my family again but I am planning on coming out clean to them, I'm tired of all the lies and half-truths. . . Its watching the disappointment in their faces that I am scared of and I hope i can see it through, I feel  like such a failure but i really can't keep things from them any longer. I need to do this in order to move on.

My trip tomorrow is still very iffy, I'm in such a mess at the moment. . .  How did I ever get to this point?

I tried to confide in a friend the other day, bless him but he had no idea what i was on about. He kept trying to simplify things down to a single problem and solution. . . Men are totally useless when it comes to these things, don't know why I even bothered. The only person who would have come close to understanding doesnt need me in her life right now and has moved on. . . I'm back on my own again, the way it used to be 

I miss the old me, the happy-go-lucky adrenaline junkie. Depression is so boring. . .

I'm learning a lesson in acceptance at the moment. Second chances don't come around too often and when we miss the perfect opportunity to say what we really mean, doing so later might be too late to make a difference. Many things have been misread, misunderstood or misinterpreted, I'm dying to explain all but whats the point? I missed the perfect opportunity and it doesnt look like I'm getting a second chance. . . 

Turns out I might also be heading to Dubai and Cyprus as well. . . So why am i not bloody excited?

I feel more like myself now, I'm still carrying alot of sadness about tho but its all about things that i have no control over so waiting and acceptance is the game. I've got to wake up every morning and go through the motions, but deep down I'm waiting on the world to right itself. . . silly i know but i'm an eternal optimist. I've been advised to be patient (even tho that it one of my biggest failings) that things always work themselves out. i cant help but worry tho, I'm beginning to see that maybe I am some sort of control freak who has to have everything a certain way. The world doesnt work that way sadly. . . We find love and friendships in the most unlikely places and when we least expect it. . . sometimes we recognise it early enough to appreciate it and sometimes we dont until its too late. I'm hoping its not too late for me tho. . . dont worry i'm not inlove. . . lol. you'll be the first to know if i was.

I'll definitely be on a plane d day after tomorrow, i see no reason why I shdnt this time. Someone pressed the pause button on my life at the moment and I cant figure out how to get it going again. Maybe going to Nigeria is it. . .  It better be anyways, I hate this feeling of suspended animation. the recent heat wave hasnt helped matters much too, at least it looks like its going to be a cool day. there is hope, I might actually get some things done today

So last week I made a promise to remain celibate while i'm in Nigeria, been thinkin about it recently, I havent been celibate in ages, dont know if even remember how. . . lol. I havent started on a good note tho, I did stay awake till 4a.m. flirting,   I can already see that that is going to one promise that is going to be a challenge. The weird thing tho is that I am happy to do this, I dont feel forced or coerced and I kinda feel excited about it. I'm gonna prove everyone wrong and my poor dildo is gonna get a hell of a work out  . I guess my journal is going to more fun from now on.

I really need to search for that passport. . . .

Yesterday, I spent the day hanging out with my ex; I needed some distraction as i was getting quite tense and unnecessarily stressed. It ended up a surprisingly fun day. We talked and laughed, just like the old days, it was quite easy to fall back into that routine. I was quite mean to him in the past and he amazingly bears no grudges. I couldn’t stop apologising tho, he literarily had to tell me to shut up, I guess being put in the same situation made me realise how hard it must hav been for him. He gave me some valuable advice, we have no power over other people’s thoughts and emotions, we take what they offer us and do the best we can with it or we don’t!

My house is in chaos right now but I’m refusing to stress, we are expecting family from abroad today and I still have alot to do to get the house ready. I have decided not to rush things, I realised the mornings are the only time I am guaranteed some peace and quiet so I am going to milk it for what its worth. Not that I’m complaining or anything but I’m livin for my family at the moment and I have gotten quite used to living alone and doing things at my pace. The loner in me is screaming for some air and I need to breathe.

We leave for Dubai on Saturday; I am trying not to think about it too much. . . .  my mum woke up on a very positive note, dancing and very joyful, she decided the trip would be fine and I believe her, I don’t want any negative thoughts to enter my head. My worst fears have all come to pass in the last couple of months but I’m fine. Life goes on. . . .

It’s raining and I have errands to run

xxx

I went street racing today . . .  even worse; I raced my mum’s brand new car (I know crazy right?). . .  lol. Thinkin about it now I am thankful I didn’t crash. How the hell would I hav explained it? I’m never doing it again, that was something from the past, that went away with my youth. I am more responsible now, imagine me running a home, taking care of a sick mum and supporting my younger brother. Someone said to me the other day that they didn’t think it was in me to be domestic, to be honest, I didn’t think it was in me either. It is very draining tho and that is why I think I had to let my hair down.

It was an awesome day tho, after the race I took a long high seed drive, with the windows wound down, cigarette in hand and heavy metal music blaring out of the speakers. Many people must have thot I was well and truly mad . . . lol. I love the rush of adrenaline through me, the excitement of living on the edge, I haven’t  felt that kind of excitement in a long time, I felt like I was free of all the things weighing down, I even got an epiphany. . . . lol. Yeah I am definitely an adrenaline junkie 

BTW I will be singing a solo in church tomorrow?  I bumped into the church music director the other day and he recognised me from years ago when I was in the choir and he was the choir master. He somehow convinced me to sing a solo this Sunday, so come the 10am; I will be standing in front of a crowd of nothing less than 300 people. The good thing tho is that it’s a song I know well and am comfortable with. I manage to squeeze in a practice during d week so it shdnt turn out too bad. . . (fingers toes and every other extremity crossed). If I pull it off my mum would be ohhh sooooo proud 

The later part of the day was spent hanging out by the lagoon with a couple of guys whom i’ve known for a while but who i don’t really consider as close friends. We had a few beers and very pleasant conversation. . . .  thats the one thing i can't get in the UK. One of the guys said something that really struck a nerve,  he said i was a one of those rear breed of happy-go-lucky free spirits, who needed room to spread their wings. He said it is difficult to most people to understand and i needed to let it all go and not give in to the pressure to change to a boring old fart (his words, i swear), that i don’t do stress very well so why do i bother. . .  it all made sense in a weird kind of way and i suddenly felt all warm and fuzzy inside. I agree, I don’t handle stress very well. . . brings out the monster inside,   

I just got home after a very exciting day, I’m quite tipsy (not drunk, just tipsy) and quite frankly very  horny, but I’m supposed to be celibate. I don’t know if my promise still stands with the way things are at the moment, but I’m going to stay off sex, just for me. . .  I’ll tell u about it some other time.

Ciao
xxx

Dubai is beautiful i must admit. . . but I'll never live here, too freaking hot!

The journey was hell. . . Nigerians are a bunch of irritants. Took us over 4hrs to check in at MMA and even then we were treated like we were being done favours and ended up with really crappy seats. It was a rough flights, turbulence all the way coupled with the noise and and manners of Nigerian traders _{who made up majority of the passengers}. . . lets just say i was in a very bad mood when we finally landed. I'm here tho and thats all that matters. Haven't been up to much, sleeping all day and trying to get used to the time difference. .its 3hrs ahead here but my body is still on Nigerian time 

My mum and I had a long chat today, about life and its ups and downs, friendships and choices. She kept saying to me to be carefull, that even tho I have the best intentions there are people who wld prefer to focus on the bad just to make themselves feel better. My mum is very observant and knows i am struggling to deal with many dissappointmets, she doesn't ever ask about my personal struggle but i know i can talk to her about anything. I guess thats what mothers do, they just know. i find myself worrying about her more these days. In the past, i used to see her as invincible, that she could do anything but as time goes by and i watch her age, she seems more human to me. . .

its past 5:00 am, i really shd get some sleep

Its 5:00am and i just took a very long hot shower (it was well over an hour long). We are staying in an amazing 4 star hotel, with a gorgeous bathroom and an amazing shower. I stood there with the soothing jet stream running down my back and i cried. I am not sad or hurting, it was a cry of relief. I didn’t realise how tense i had been this past couple of weeks.  Standing there crying, many things ran through my mind and for soem reason i really felt like i needed to share.

For as long as long as i can remember i  have always had the feeling that i was running out of time. . . I have always had a problem seeing myself enter into old age. The funny thing is that i am not afraid of death, if i die tomorrow i wont have many regrets, because i have done alot at my age and more.  I find it funny when people spend so much time worrying about dying that they forget to live. . . everyone dies, that is one truth we can count on. I am actually quite fascinated at the propect of dying, having suffered sever depression i hav had a long struggle with suicidal thoughts but thats not what i mean by my fascination. I occasionally withdraw in myself in search of absolute peace and quiet, where i shut down my mind and just relax. . . it is impossible to do and locking myself up in a silent room is the closest i can ever get. With death, u get it absolutely! My mum is doing ok by the way, her surgery was 7hrs long and more complicated than expected but she is recovering nicely and quite frankly is already getting on my nerves.  

The other night I had a very disturbing dream, I had all this anger, hatred and fear inside me. . . I don’t remember what it was all about but I still feel those emotions. My mum thinks its because I’ve been under a lot of emotional strain in the past week. I suppose I have been; I remember walking into the recovery room right after her surgery and seeing her with all sorts of wires and tubes connected to her. . . she looked at me and or the first time ever I saw fear in her eyes, I have never been so afraid. The surgery was over but I saw my very strong mum who has been my pillar of strength all my life, looking so frail and mortal. . . the rush of emotion was too much and I sobbed. She kept calling out “my baby, my baby, I didn’t die.” She has never been one who was scared of dying but I think her surgery made us both realise, death wasn’t about dying, it was about being taken away from people who love you. Life is not about us alone, but also about bringing joy to the people around us. . . I suddenly have a new respect for my life. (I’ll tone down the risks a little bit   )

Yesterday we watched the a faction of the Anglican communion breakaway as a result of the homosexual crisis, a Nigerian bishop went as far as calling the gay community an abomination. Now I am one for freedom of expression, these people say they didn’t choose their sexuality, it just happens to be what they prefer. Now thinkin of it more rationally, why would anyone choose something so frowned upon and controversial? Taking myself as an example, I like what I like. Some of the things I like are frowned upon by some, I stayed away from these things long enough and that didn’t stop me from liking them. Rather than fight a losing battle I grew to accept that this was who I am. In some ways I can relate to the attack the gay community constantly have to deal with.  Besides, why should any man be defined by their sexuality? We don’t go around judging people who prefer one flavour of ice-cream over another, we don’t discriminate against people who are in a polygamous marriage, we don’t define people by what sexual positions they prefer, so why do so over their choices of sexual partners?  Who are we to pass judgement on them?  These people are human beings with feelings and emotions, it’s the same blood that runs through our veins and they face everyday challenges just like we do, so why make life more difficult? It is a free world we live in and as long as they are not hurting anyone, I don’t see how a person’s sexual orientation is anyone’s business!

My opinions about religion can be perceived as radical that is why I always refrain from joining in any religious debates. I believe there is a God and I believe in him, not just from a dogmatic point of view but also from a rational point of view. If the existence of man was all due to a random event as the evolutionists claim, then what would be the purpose of life? Religion despite its flaws gives us a purpose, a reason for being. . . without it, society will disintegrate and destroy itself in search of that purpose. Take many of the problems in the western worlds for example, alot of scientific advances were made by people who are in search of answers to all of life’s questions and for immortality, quest for wealth and power! God exists because he has to (think about it); religion on the other hand is man-made. Studies have shown that religion has always been a tool in governance, that is why in today’s world, the two can never really be separated.  The bible for an instance is written by men (under the guidance of the Holy Spirit. . . I knw, I knw). I have always been of the belief that the contents of the bible are what the leaders of those days wanted in it. The bible says alot, I can't fault that, but somewhere inside of me I have always wondered, what else happened? What are we not being told?

I had a religious discussion with my aunt (she tricked me into it, I swear) and she advised that I read the grail message. She made some valid points such as Jesus having never written anything with his own hands. Everything we know is from eye witness accounts. I probably will read the book, just to see the answers they have to many of my questions. I don’t intend to convert to the grail movement or any other religion for that matter. I’m just doing some harmless reading  On a serious note tho, religion is mans interpretation of right and wrong; religion today unfortunately takes alot more or alot less into consideration and that is where I have my problem. I have chosen to remain a Christian because its fundamental message is love and forgiveness (the intolerance of the gay community goes in violation of this) we are all sinners, let he without sin cast the first stone! I will remain an Anglican because, I don’t really care what church I attend, every church is defined by their own interpretations of the bible and I resent having other people’s opinions forced on me. Back to the programme on the Anglicans breakaway, a few people so disgusted by the whole thing have set up their own church where gay lovers and haters have agreed to disagree; they sit side-by-side and worship together. Now that is my idea of what the church shld be, why can't we all just get along?

This morning, i have to get on a plane to lagos. . .  its a long story. The good thing tho, is I get a couple of days to catch my breath. . .

For a while now, i’ve been wanting to update my journal, but i hav felt really lazy. Well i am back in dubai. Cypruss trip is cancelld for now. . . phew! I am sick of all d travelling and just want to chill in lagos for a while and catch up with friends. My mum doing great by the way, taking it easy, taking her meds, eating right just like she’s spsd to. We are both bored of dubai now and getting really sick of each others company. There is only so much bonding a mother and daughter can do and we long since passed that line.

Lagos was fun, stayed longer for more than necessary due to a technical glitch but i didn’t mind. Got to hang out with my boys (tell u about them later), just fool around and relax. There was alot of beer drinking. . . isn’t there always with me?   .  My ex was a real swthrt until he pissed me off, i think he wants me back  but i’m not sure. . . . i really hope not, we hav a really good friendship and i’d hate to loose that.

Anyways, ,drama update. I got sort of arrested and fined for nudity and indecent exposure on Sunday. Its a rather funny tale actually. . . lol. all i can say is arab men hav no respect for beautiful boobs. . .  i’ll tell u all about it some other time   . Talking about arab men, i generally don’t find them attractive (along with asian men) physically and i think they r all a bunch of chauvinist pigs. . . but i met a few who did look quite yummy, and i am ashamed to say that given the right circumstances, i just might reconsider  

I also went on a desert safari, now that was up my alley. Four wheelers, crazy drivers, high octane and vast open country. . . brilliant! I also tried my hands on a dune buggy and i hav decided i want one. Never ridden in one befor, after brief instructions and a couple of practise laps i was speeding up and down dunes and the instructors could only stare in amazement  

I took a long hard look at myself in the mirror this morning and i don’t like what i see. I have somehow let myself go and i didn’t even realise. I knw what must come next and to be honest i don’t like it one bit.  


xxx

I woke up this morning to a number of phone calls and text msges. . .  i just can't help but ask WHY? I've just gotten back from a very long drive where i attempted to do some thinkin, i failed tho! i am too emotionally bruised to think straight,  perhaps my new thread was a bad idea but i hav reached my limit. . . it was laughable yesterday but thinkin back now I can't stop trembling. . .

i will hav to take a break form nairlanad and the internet for a while. Friends hav suggested i just let it go and ignor everything and let it all go. but this is life, there are no real winners or loosers. This is me being accused of all sorts of unthinkable things (mayb not unthinkable for some) I am being judged based on her own actions and reactions. . . I hav tried to ignore te constant attacks in my person but truth be told it bothers me, especially all the misunderstandings, distortion of the truth and out right lies. Maybe it is naive of me to seek the good in everyone i meet, maybe it was wrong of me to trust and invest so much emotion in one person. . . I have now been burnt and quite frankly don’t hav the energy to deal with this along with helping my family heal.

I am only human, maybe more emotional than most but that doesn’t make me a bad person does it? I pride myself with being true and honest with my feelings and thoughts, i try not to jump to unnecessary conclusions and am quick to apologise when i hav been wrong. I look for the good in everybody and try not to focus too much on the bad, i do make mistakes, no one is above them but i see no qualms in swallowing my pride and begging for forgiveness. I am a free spirit, i live and let live, i try not to judge and most importantly i see no point in deception.

Abuja is calling. I need to take my mum for one last medical check-up and depending on the results, i’ll be out of here as soon as possible. I need to hang out with my niece and nephews for a while and just chill. I am emotionally, mentally and physically drained, its time for some me time!


xxx

You knw how after a night of heavy drinking some people tend to drunk-text or drunk-call an ex or a crush or someone they wldnt normally call or text? Well I feel that way right now, I hav these urge to do something I knw I’ll regret tomorrow morning. . .  I caught myself tryin to add an old crush (that ended embarrassingly horribly) on facebook, can't find my headphones to call up my new crush in NY (which is a relief because I only just realised I had a crush on him), literarily asked a guy to come over and fu*ck my brains out (thankfully he said no) unfortunately I did place an order for some crap over d internet… I hope they hav a straight forward refund policy tho, I dread to think of the inevitable merry-go-round befor I get my money back, if I get my money back. Anyways all this because I had a little too much to drink plus a whole lot of very good Jamaican weed.

So I haven’t written in ages because I am beginning to be released from d spell that NL had over me. Whenever I sign on, replying posts is such a chore not to talk of posting in my journal. . .  but lifes been good tho generally, better than I expected actually. I almost fully moved into my new place now. . . . my bed is lush! I bought a new one with silk effect sheets (I can't stand satin sheets and real silk costs a fortune!) anyways lying on my bed would be like lying on a soft cloud!. . . honestly! I promise! can't wait get some poor sod in here, then it would be perfect and I’ll never get out of bed again. . . LOL Weed makes me horny plus my period is comin to an end, which also make me super horny. .  its a double dose tonight 

Dang i do love d hallucinations tho. . . lol



xxx

OMG I can't believe Obama actually won! Ok we all predicted he would but actually seeing the numbers increase until he got the majority was such a rush . . .  I deliberately avoided getting into these elections during the primaries when I was get all anxious and not sleeping so I’d see get full details about the Hilary and Obama battle… it was too much for my fragile heart. . . and last night, well it was all so fascinating, I was so sure I was having an anxiety attack, I havnt been so hyped up on anything I ages!!!  U knw how people always remember where they were and what they were doing at iconic moments in history? Like the shooting of john kennedy or the death of princess Diana… well I think last night was one of those moments… people r going to rmber what exactly they were doing when America elected its first Black president! _{Enough about all that now, I am beginng to sound like one of them activists types}

Anyways, back to the depressing events in my life. . . Its been a lousy week for me so far, apart from d fact that my little stomach ache turned out to be a virus, 2 of my friends r mad at me for varying reasons. Friend 1 is in London, we r very different frm each other, hav different opinions about everything and generally don’t get along but for 4 years we somehow were able to make it work. We agreed to disagree and just moved on, until well we were put in a position where I had to depend on her help about a certain issue (note how I expertly I hav avoided giving exact details). Anyways turns out our friendship was one of those that appeared solid on the surface but was anything but. . . she got really bossy and borderline abusive and basically showed that she cldnt give up her self centeredness even for a second. I on d other hand felt disrespected, got paranoid, grew impatient and lost my temper. . . so I hung up d phone on her and now she hates my guts.   I did apologise (I genuinely felt sorry) but like most people, holding on to anger makes her feel good so. . .

Friend 2 is in lagos, we havnt been friends long and well I wasn’t lookin for friends when she came along. I thot maybe God was makin it up to me for d difficult times I had gone through, well I don’t knw about all that now since she is mad at me for God-knws what. She apparently has issues with me but wont say what they r and considering how emotionally bruised I am from the last 4 months I honestly don’t knw what to do. I miss her tho, I’m used to chatting with her on I'm every morning befor I start my day. It sucks but I am going to accept whatever decision she makes. If I had done that the last time I was put in that position, things prbly wldnt hav turned out the way they did!

In response to my self-pity I hav received lots of emails frm people tryin to cheer me up and one in patciular kind made my day 


Anyways enough of the sob stories. . . I got a shocking phonecall last night, it was from a former BFF zayne. He and I were insperable at uni. . .  we had the same sense of humour, liked d same music, movies, tv shows and books. In our final yr we practically lived together as I spent almost every night at his, no sex involved, I promise. Nobody believed there wasn’t anything between us tho, we were always together, even adopted a cat together… lol. Anyways I had had accommodation problems during my last few months so I’d just show up at his whenever I need a place to crash. One of such nights I got to his and d door was locked, he usually kept the key in a keyhole for occasions like this so I cld get in but it wasn’t ther, so I called him and he answered very coldly and told me d key was with him and I cldnt stay over at his, then promptly hung up. I didn’t knw what had brought this up but I was going to be patient, he was famous for his extreme mood swings and I was used to it. A few days later some other guys came to my rescue and offered me a room in their flat, it was quite a distance frm zaynes’s place so I didn’t hav time to go see him for a while. Then frm out of the blues, her calls me to tell me my stuff I had left at his place (my dvd player, fridge, books, dvds stiff like that) were all outside and I should come get them immediately. Needless to say some of my stuff got stolen because I cldnt get to them quick enough and yes they were outside exposed to the elements, thank God it didn’t rain. That conversation was d last I had with him until last night.

It was funny tho because when he called we just bounced back into our old routine, it was like all that shit never happened. I still want to knw what went wrong tho, if ther is anything that eats me up inside is when I can't figure out what I hav done to upset someone. I let it go then because I felt hurt and betrayed but I rmrbr his roommate used to say “the kind of relationship ou both hav is the type u find once in a life time” he wanted me to try make amends but I wasn’t hearing any of that, after all zayne ws d one with d issues. anyways I guess we r friends again and that’s good, esp now that I am loosing friends faster than anything.

I don’t knw if anybody else does this but there r a few words or phrases that i consider to be my favourite… not because of their meaning but more because of the way they sound,  eg
"I am beside myself" Or  the word Odd. . .
 I’ve got many more but today I am liking the word Pretentious (adjective attempting to impress by affecting greater importance or merit than is actually possessed)   

I hav been wondering if I’ve ever been thought of as pretentious, not that I care what anyone thinks about me (unless its nice things then I really care), but I hav been trying toview myself from another angle (nothing like an out of body experience tho). . . anyways I honestly don’t think I am… I just think I am a drama queen



As we grow up, we learn that even the one person that wasn't supposed to ever let us down, probably will.
You'll have your heart broken more than once and its harder everytime. You'll break hearts too so remember how it felt when others broke yours.
You'll fight with your best friend or maybe even fall in love with them.
You’ll blame a new love for the things an old love did.
You'll cry because time is flying by and you’ll eventually loose someone close to you.
So take too many pictures, laugh too much, forgive freely, and love like you've never been hurt.
Life comes with no guarantees, no time outs, no second chances.
You just have to live life to the fullest, tell someone what they mean to you and tell someone off, speak out, dance in the pouring rain, hold someone's hand, comfort a friend, fall asleep watching the sun come up, stay up late, be a flirt, and smile until your face hurts.
Don't be afraid to take chances or fall in love and most of all, live in the moment because every second you spend angry or upset is a second of happiness you can never get back.


- Unknown


xxx

THINGS I HATE
~Cold chips,
~Hot humid climates,
~Being broke,
~Deception
~Indebtedness
~Insensitivity
~Warm coke
~Not knowing

I just randomly got inspired to make up this list, for what purpose it serves is still a nystery to me but it is fun so I will make a proper one and post it on later. . . I can't sleep and I feel so angry all of a sudden after a reasonably good day. Its been a hellish week for me. . . I had to move again and nuthins been actually goin as planned. I was pretty accepting of my situation up until this evening and I'm suddenly full of all this rage . . . I rmbr in sec when I felt this way, I’d go behind an abandoned bulidling and break bottles, can't do that now or I’ll end up in jail

My friend blush came to visit and spent the night, shes been travelling d world for d past 5 months searching for herself. I told her whenever she does find herself to let me knw, maybe I’d find myself too    blush is 2 years younger than me, very worldly but somehow has d innocence of a 12 yr old. We used to be flatmates and it was fun reminiscing about the old days, she left this morning and I knw I probably wont see her for another 5 months, that’s d only negeative about her, u never really knw where she is both literarily and metaphorically. Anyways it was good seeing her tho, I needed to off-load on someone who understands my point of view, funny how most of my friend don’t!

Talking about friends brings me to my cruscade. . . I give up! After the afternoon I had, I don’t think I want to meet another human being again . I can't go into details because I am lazy but lets just say I found myself in d whole he-said-she-said scenario which is d absolute one place I absolutely detest!> >:(I interrupted some sad fu*ck who was in d process of using me as entertainment and in my usual fashion I put it all out there. . . the one thing I don’t understand about human beings is how u would just take a disliking to someone u don’t knw and proceed to mess with them when they hav done absoluetely nothing to u, not to talk of doin sumthin to deserve that kind of thing in d first place.  I suppose writing about myself in such a public manner means I am exposing myself to all sorts of psychotic attacks. . . talking of psychos, I’ve got me my very own stalker , and yes it was confirmed by her friend. Seriously bitch, get a life! Funny how things turned out eh? Lol

Thers more; apparently I am quick to assume the place of the victim in any situation, it didn’t bother me when this was said to me, everyone’s entitled to their own opinions right? I do appreciate the fact that it was said to my face rather than to someone else tho, that seems to be happening to me a lot lately, i guess that comes with making somany friends so quickly, too many people inur bizniz not that I’m complaining tho, all publicity is good publicity right? In other news, my flatmate has a guest over, this is a girl who she says she wont speak to ever again, who she says she’ll never tell her new address, who she says she’ll change her phone number so wont be able to reach her. . . it’s a long interesting story which I fully intend to share but not right now. the thing about it is she kept comin to me tellin me how d girl is stressin her and how it wont work between them and how she really can't stand her. . . this was just ystrday. Now they r all cuddled up in the room (incase u hvnt figured it out, this is a lesbian relationship), I can't help but wonder what that was all about, whats d big deal if u like her, why put up a show trying to impress me? What has it all got to do with me? It is for precisely this reason I don’t like to give my opinions on pples lives and decisions. . . really!

I didn’t realise music was also interpreted in sign language. . . its quite entertaining to watch the interpreter do her thang while letting d deaf population share in d beauty of d lyrics. . . I wonder what it would be like to be deaf, not to be able to hear music, would I miss it I wonder? I wldnt knw what it is so I guess I really wont miss it unless I didn’t become deaf frm birth. Gosh music is my life save tho, I’m a rock chic basically but I listen to everything and I mean everything. Music is my escape, I probably would hav gone mad long ago without it.

Shit! Its almost 5:30 and I hvnt even gone to bed yet. . .



xxx

I don’t knw what to do with myself. . . I’ve got stuff to do but I hav to wait and all this waiting is getting to me!

I can always tell when chirstmas is almost here, d world goes mad and begins to irritate d hell out of me. . . and it only gets worse! I went window shopping yesterday and 10 mins in I was ready to bitch-slap the attendants, I havnt been called “darling” so much in my entire life as i was within d half hr i was ther. . . sheeesh!!!

So for lack of anything better to do, I read my horoscope and it said
If you are convinced that you are right about a fact or issue today, how far are you willing to take it? It's admirable to defend your position, but you should stop short of getting into any power struggles -- someone might have something up their sleeve, and you can't afford to lose any ground to them, even if they gain it by cheating. You must refuse to get down in the dirt with someone else -- you only end up getting dirty yourself. This battle won't be worth it.
Now what d fu*ck is that supposed to mean?!! 

Thers more. . .
Your irritability is peaking right now and it seems as if the practical jokers in your life sense that and move in for the kill. You're not having it, though and should set them straight pretty quickly.
Damn right, my irritability is peaking! 

Ok, I give in. . . this whole exercise remains pointless. . . I think some more window shopping is in order, maybe try on a few shoes and a couple of dresses. Note to self, avoid d weird shop with d 10-darlings-per-minute attendants



xxx