'Torn' - A Story

KC, i liked it aiite, just get back on it(part-time) if u can and polish up your skillz, u would do a whole lot better than this, but so far, it's good! hey, u're a whole lot better than me, heaven knows i can't write to save my life. good work, don't quit! _{by d way, could u finish it please(as in d story)?}

im not a writer guys i just have imaginations n write it out feel me? i have imaginations i don't really write that good but i have imaginations lol but i will finish it later

but thanks osi n the guy above me

u wey carry that ya mouth talk say u dey kampe na u go begin vomit by the time the girly carry this mumu tory reach the end. sho! u nefa know say na when u tear tear pesin na him the pesin go wan do beta? wella, make u ready sha because na u go fes tear comot when she post that tin again.

who was insulting me ? i missed it

of i find it i will surely because a muhfuker out

aw, c'mon, k2dac don't take it so hard just because i rip the belly of your lame story open. look, most of the time i kid around and you should expect all kind of weird shite in a forum but it don't mean nothin personal, was just having a piss for a blast so take it like the almost-18 year old you are ok? no hard feelings because i gat a story all posted and seun the uber moderator is tearing it wide open even as i type and i wont get angry (aside to seun:im saying this for public relations' sake so don't get smug) so lets have some fun at each other's expense. to show you my goodwill gesture i'll ignore the foul language you threw at me, hell i'll even cowboy up and read your story to the end and pretend i enjoyed it. peace girl. peace.

lmao

and, um, IAH stands for I'm A Ho, right?

wtf? how dare u call her that? are u insane? u really disappointed me. thinking u all mature and shiit. grow up man.

Yeah, you are right. Sure you can't take a joke but you want to throw it at people. How selfish is that?!

oh come on, people! watever happened to your collective sense of humor? why must everybody take tings personal? ok then. k2dac, im genuinely sorry. diddy4, im really sorry and same for you too IAH. ok?

@neoteny
you are really pathetic and such a disgrace to your body as a whole. i did rather practice and be perfect before putting it up than do the kind of pathetic work u did and call it a story. please go back to primary school and learn how to use commas and full stops cuzz man u suck in it. and u might wann@ cross check your english cuzz u made a whole lot of grammatical error. hit your head on the wall cuzz u are an apology.

why the hell should he diss me and apologize then expect me to keep shush and suck up to his apology.
fine he apologized, i accept it next time he should think twice before dissing people. im kool with him though. i just don't take shiit from nobody. im aiight.

lol 2fine


diddy i get your point

oh i got the song u wanted me to download but i couldnt download the tongolo remix

K2DaC,

First of all, no story is supposed to appeal to everyone. Sometimes, when someone says a story is 'rubbish', what they may really be saying is that they don't relate to the characters, the plot, the style of narrative. That's OK - the extent to which you relate to something will depend on your experience. I have to say that if I didn't relate to the story, I'D say so - I wouldn't call it rubbish. But that's me.

OK, now with that out of the way, here are my observations (again, they're just personal):

- DavidDylan took you up on not having introduced your characters to the audience before launching into the story (while you actually did do this). It's interesting, because I don't really go with the idea of a formal introduction of characters. I'D rather discover the nature of the characters as I read the story. It's no different from a drama or soap on TV. You don't have a segment where you have a formal introduction of characters either - you just discover them as the play progresses.

But if you're going to follow this route, you need to slip in enough clues as the the character's personality so that they don't wonder too much about them. I think you've done this to some extent - for example, even if you hadn't put the intro about Brandy, I'D have guessed already that she was a no-nonsense girl from her response to Shawn when he tried to fob her off. I find it interesting that you've paid attention to making the style of dialogue from Toya quite different from Brandy's style (I guess this is to reflect their differing backgrounds and personalities?).



- You've gone straight for the jugular and introduced elements of conflict in the story. I think this is OK - conflict keeps people interested. However, I think you're trying to cram too many dramatic events into a first episode - Brandy having a quarrel with Shawn, Toya wanting to force the issue of marriage with Shawn and a face-to-face confrontation between all three. If you start like that, you won't have the energy to keep up! Or maybe I'm too old, and I prefer to see my drama developing much more slowly.

The other issue with trying to cram too much at once is that it makes the whole story less believable. Like the issue of Toya bringing up marriage with Shawn. Is it reasonable that she would do that while she's still in college? I doubt it.



- I notice that you're going for the love triangle angle here as well (one man, two women). There's nothing exceptional about this - it's been used in so many stories - but I'D be interested in seeing whether you'll give it an interesting spin as the story develops.



And those are my thoughts for now. Please keep on writing - don't let anything I (or anyone else) have said put you off, if you're finding you're enjoying yourself!

@neoteny

its aiight man. im cool with you. sorry for the outburst.