Cindy Rella: A Story

CINDY RELLA

VISUAL:
A girl is washing the floor, in a kneeling position, using a rag as a mop.  There's a bucket by her side, presumable filled with detergent solution.  She's holding the rag with both hands.  She's wearing a faded t-shirt on a faded pair of jeans.  Her hair is combed and tied with rubber bands.  She has no jewelry on.

CAPTION:
Hello, and welcome to my story.  My name is Cindy.  Cindy Rella.

VISUAL:
A groom is putting a ring on his bride's finger.  They are wearing wedding clothes.  We can only see their hands and sleeves.  They are Cindy Rella's dad (Papi) and mother (Mami).

CINDY:
My parents - Papi and Mami - got married 25 years ago.

VISUAL:
Picture of a newlywed couple in front of their giant cake.  The groom is feeding the bride with a piece.  He's smiling.  The bride looks excited, she's laughing and we can see her teeth.

CINDY:
My mum used to call my dad "love of my life", because that's what he was to her.

VISUAL:
Papi is carrying Mami into their house.  They are both wearing wedding clothes.

CINDY:
The two of them were lovebirds.  They were supposed to live happily ever after.

VISUAL:
Cinderella's father is driving into their compound.  His wife is by the gate, smiling.

CINDY:
Papi had a big house, a car, a lucrative job, and now a wife.  What more could he ask for?

VISUAL:
Cinderella's father and mother are on a double-bed, in a suggestive position. Lightly dressed.

CINDY:
A son, of course.

VISUAL:
Mami is sad.  Papi's arm is around her shoulders.

PAPI:
Don't be upset, Mami. Let's be patient.  In 2 or 3 years we'll have our son.

CINDY:
3 years passed . . .

VISUAL:
Papi is upset.  Mami is trying to placate him, but he's shunning her.

CINDY:
. . . and nothing happened.  Papi's attitude towards Mami started to change.

VISUAL:
Cinderella's father is seated on a hotel room chair, next to deep in thought.  There's a half-dressed woman on the bed.  His mistress.  A wall-clock is visible, and we can see that the time is 11:00pm.

CINDY:
A few years later, my dad started seeing another woman.  He wanted a son more than anything else.

VISUAL:
Cinderella's mom is praying, by her bedside.  A bible is open.  Her face is relaxed.  It's 11:00pm.

CINDY:
Meanwhile Mami became a prayer warrior.  She wanted God to heal her marriage and give her a son.

VISUAL:
Papi and the mistress are in a secret area.  She's handing him a letter.

MISTRESS:
The doctor says it's a boy.

CINDY:
Fortunately for him, and unfortunately for us, Papi's mistress got pregnant a few months after they met.

VISUAL
Papi is giving her money.  On his face he has a subdued smile.

CINDY:
He started giving her money every month for the sake of his son.

VISUAL:
Mami is committing into a sink (because she's pregnant).

CINDY:
Around the same time, Mami also got pregnant.  "Oops", right?

VISUAL:
Mami and Papi are in a doctor's office.  She's rejoicing, with her hands in the hair.  The doctor is smiling.  Her husband is not.

CINDY:
Wrong!  You see, my dad wanted a son, but my mom was merely carrying a girl: me.

VISUAL:
Cinderella's dad is holding his wife's hand.  She had tried to slap him.  She's really angry.

CINDY:
My mom nearly slapped my dad when he told her about his mistress and 'son'. They'd never fought before then.

VISUAL:
Mami is carrying two bags.  Papi is standing behind her and pointing towards the exit, which we can see: an open door leading out of the house.

CINDY:
He asked her to apologize or leave.  She refused to apologize, since he's the one who wronged her.  So he threw her out.

VISUAL:
Mami coming out of the bus with the same two bags.

CINDY:
Mami couldn't believe she had been thrown out of her matrimonial home.
That day, she decided to leave Papi's life for good.  She disappeared with me.

VISUAL:
The mistress is carrying two babies, sitting. Cinderella's father is standing, visibly angry!

CAPTION:
Eight months later . . .

PAPI:
Woman, where is my son?

CINDY:
The woman gave birth to a daughter instead of the son she promised my dad.

VISUAL:
Papi is on now kneeling on the floor. Despondent. Tears trickling down his face.

PAPI:
I have no son. I've spent all my money on this woman, and now I have twins to support.  My wife has disappeared, and I'm the one who sent her packing.

VISUAL:
Papi is rolling on the floor, crying.

PAPI:
God, please kill me! I don't think I want to live again.

CINDY:
That prayer went unanswered.

VISUAL:
Papi's car is parked beside his house.  He's helping his mistress - and her baby - out of his car.

CINDY:
Papi pulled himself together and took in Hanti, his mistress and the mother of his daughter.

VISUAL:
Hanti is entering Papi's house, carrying a baby.  A little girl is playing in the living room.

CAPTION:
2 years later . . .

PAPI:
Sisi, don't you want to carry your little sister?

HANTI:
Her name is Erobo.

UPDATED at 9:13pm Sunday July 23.

Yeah.  This is the first original story I'm posting on this forum.  It's loosely based on a certain fairy tale.

Is it any good so far?

The Intro is professionally presented.

It's an explicit narrative story!

Even though it seems easy to predict what will eventually happen later on in the story, it's still suspensive enough to keep and hold one in a nail-biting session; while anxiously awaiting the concluding part of the story.

I say, Good Job, Seun!

it was aite,

I didnt like it. Maybe its cause this Story has been done time and time again
you even called it a diary. cindarella diaries na disney movie

cumbersome,  unoriginal, and totally devoid of any grip. poorly plagiarized, shoddily executed with a bogus attempt at technicality.

hi kellorah. i like your name
actually was just having a bit of a rip, just for a blast. actually he did good but im just a little sore at the way he knocked my story. lol.

<gasp!!>  u havent already? well its called stella and isnt really much sha.

@seun
no vex o! na yoke i jus dey yoke no bi say na wahala i wan cause for mysef.

ouch! talk about a vicious chan.
sadly i'm unable to larf.

I'm not surprised that this isn't enjoyable.  It would have been better to express this in a narrative form.

the Papi, Mami and Hanti names got me laughing, seun really nice one.

Sorry to say, I didn't like the Cindy Rella story either. Had a headache just trying to finish it. And finish I had to, so I could make a fair judgement.

Maybe it's just the format, because I believe only producers and directors of movies have to go through the stress of reading stories in script format. They get used to it.

Unfortunately, lesser mortals like me rather read our stuff in plain old prose. I enjoy fairytales and I'm working on some modern-day versions of some myself. That's why I looked in on the topic.

Just try again with it, make it less cumbersome, more original, less bogus and definitely less technical, it'll make a lot more sense.  Just my honest opinion tho'.