Foreign Women With Nigerian Men: Come In!

If you're married to or dating a Nigerian man, what has your experience been like? Do you see any differences in culture? I'm an AA woman married to a Nigerian man. My husband is very caring. As far as our marriage goes, dealing with his family has been the hardest thing. I find that my husband's family take each other in or give money to relatives even when the person is either not making rational decisions or doesn't want to work. Since we rarely give money to family, we've gotten some flack for this and I'm usually not in the loop on things. What about you? Have you noticed a difference in culture?

too much complications. it's difficult dating someone that doesn't identify with you.

Hi,


I'm a Nigerian male.

Please allow me to make a comment because this is a serious issue in Nigerian marriages (or relationships) abroad, and indeed, amongst other African marriages/relationships in foreign countries.  I think you guys must please try and understand what April is saying.  

Going by the experiences of some of my friends here, the need to constantly send money home puts a lot of strain in such marriages or relationships.  Nigerians have got to send money home to their families every month, build a house in their villages, help the extended family, do this, do that at home, even though their own marriage (or relationship) is crumbling right in their own eyes, as a result of being put under a lot of financial strain.

The one can never afford to look after the one's wife or partner, and indeed, is never able to afford anything much, simply because the one is caught up in the quagmire of constantly having to send money home.

A good friend of mine (white) recently told me that she would never go out with a Nigerian anymore because of this issue and that the Nigerian guy that she once dated always sent money home.  All he did was just work, work and work, inorder to send money home.  He never, ever took her out, neither could he afford anything for himself and always very tired, due to over-working himself.

Please don't get me wrong - there's nothing wrong whatsoever, with sending money home to help the one's family but this becomes a big problem in the marriage (or relationship), when every letter, telephone call, e-mail or whatever, that the one receives from home is all about money, money, money!!  It really gets too much and drags the marriage (or relationship) down, when the begging letters arrive constantly.  So, so hard to cope with, when you are forever skint because of financial pressures from home (Nigeria or any other African country for that matter).

Some people have to have more than one job simply to satisfy those incessant financial demands from home.  Personally, I can not cope with it because I couldn't be working my balls off, only to get skint within one week of being paid.  Again, my immediate family ('wife' and kids) suffer, all because of these financial pressures, eventually leading to a divorce, if you see what I mean.

May I just say that people here MUST learn to respect the opinions of others and do away with the trademark insults and barricking.  Please try not to shout me down simply because I have expressed my own personal opinion on this serious subject.  There is, afterall, what we call freedom of speech, unpalatable as the one's opinion might be.  The truth is the truth and may it be told for the betterment of all.



kiwi992.

Kiwi, you said it all. the thing too much 

i agree with you. they can send you to the shrink if one is not careful. i always wonder where is the money after they are done taxing and billing you  eh?

April, that is one thing also. they don't ask question. . . hey bros or sis i need money. it is like a command. . . off they go like a voodoo call.

we are yet to understand talk less of a foreign person.

Hey April

I am involved with a Nigerian male, we have been together for almost a year.  He is the sweetest guy.  When I first met him, I read somethings about his culture, but not alot because it's hard to find books about Igbo culture.

Anyway, I found alot of info about Calabari culture and was trying to act like a Calabar girl (laughing) when we first met.  I was doing all the cooking, cleaning and trying to stay very neat looking.  And one day he just grabbed the dishes and told me to sit down.  He washed all the dishes, he will set the table when we eat.   He pays for all of our outings.  He cleaned my apartment before and really treats me like a queen.  He said to me, in Nigeria it is diferent.  But in America, women and men do for each other 50/50.  I just thought to myself, "I'm glad that he knows this." 

Being a recent college graduate, he doesn't have a lot of furniture in his livingroom, just a nice cushy chair for himself.  When I come to visit, he will sit on the floor, while I take the chair.  He's a really nice guy and knows how to treat a woman.  His family calls very often to ask for money.  Which is his business.  I do not involve myself in matters concerning his family in Nigeria.  But most times, if a Nigerian male is in America, he is here so that he can work and send money back home.  The family expects money.  Sometimes he is very VERY tired.  He attends school and he also works two part-time jobs.  He also heads a small outreach ministry. Alot of times, he is absolutely burnt-out.   And I just pray that he will focus on himself and realize that he is only human.


Someone said this and this is true.  When their family ask for money, it really is a non-negotiable command. 

Yeah, this is true.  I saw a documentary yesterday about a mexican girl who was only 23.  She worked two jobs to care for a family of six.

She had to also care and provide for her mom and dad who appeared to be sick.  I seriously think that if her parents wanted to, they could get up and make their own money.  They could learn a craft and sell their craft items or something.

The young girl kept explaining to her parents that she was tired, and the only thing her mom said was, "Well you know that we depend on you to pay the bills, you can't stop working."  Their rent was well over $2100 a month.  This young girl also had to be mother to her brothers and sisters.  I just can't imagine having that kind of responsibility.

I just felt bad, because that is not a fair life for a girl at just 23 years of age.  She should be focused on her own life, she should be dating, attending school, knowing what it's like to be young.  I was really ticked off at her family for putting her in that position. 

I know of two African women (not Nigerian) in their 50s and early 60s who were working 2-3 jobs to support lots of family members back home and they died relatively young.

I think when you're single, your finances are separate and there's no reason to be concerned about what he's doing with his money. But if you get serious, this could be a problem. In his first book, Obama talks about how when he visited Kenya, he gave one of his cousins a gift and the cousin said he wanted something else. Obama was kind of miffed about that and talked about the strain of family members wanting to be suported. I think it's one thing to theoretically want to help others, but to be working for people who are literally waiting for you to send money, that's a lot of responsibility and can be hard to deal with especially when one has a spouse and family of his/her own. What I have noticed is my husband's relatives who work full-time jobs aren't asking for money. It's the people who either are unemployed or barely working asking for money. As far as I'm concerned, they don'thave the right to be demanding as if they were working too.

Shortly after 9/11, there was a Latino family on tv who had lost the man who was their son and brother. It was a family--mother, father and 3 or 4 adult children. The mother was no more than about 50 and saying she didn't know what they were going to do because he made 6 figures and they relied TOTALLY on him financially and now he was gone. And this was in NYC. This is very similar to what we're discussing in this thread. It may sound kind of cold, but that's the reality for a lot of people out there. It's kind of like how with AAs, there was a time when the oldest children didn't go to college because they were expected to either raise the other children or go get a job and help support the family. I think since we've adopted the Western mindset whether we admit it or not. I believe in taking care of elderly relatives, but people who are under 65 and not disabled need to be working.

what are you insinuating?

what do u mean?

What i notice on this forum is if a non-Nigerian says anything unfavorable about about their Nigerian in-laws people on here are quick to be defensive about it. But when a Nigerian woman complains about in-laws, the facade comes down and most are supportive and giving advice.  There was one thread on here where a Nigerian woman talked about how her SIL lied about her and her husband's family was going to cane her. Rest assured if a non-Nigerian said that on here, the response would have been very different.

It is wrong to enable laziness by supporting a lazy person financially.
Family ties in Nigeria are very tight.
If your husband was in Nigeria and lost his job,I bet you,he'll never be homeless because there'll be a distant relative or friend somewhere to ntake him in without charging him a dime.
That's the culture we were raised in not like here in America where a mother would start charging her college aged kids room and board or kick them out of their house.
It's unheard of in a culture.
Anytime I return home to see my parents,I stay in my room, now with my kids and husband.It remains my home even though I've been gone for a while.
There's good in our culture and there's bad in it .The culture in America has it's ills too.

I'll advise you not to make your man alienated from his family.I've seen the down side of that especially in sad times.
There's been men here in the USA that married AA wives and kept away from anything and anybody Nigerian only for us to hear about them when contacted to contribute money to fly their bodies home because he happens to come from our village meanwhile all the 20 years he lived in America he never associated with his people nor participated in their meetings.

Gbam!!!