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JJYOU
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You obviously don't know her story. If she had any self esteem she should have poisoned/shot that wretched husband of hers years ago
i have been following her story my dear sister. there are 2 sides to every story. there is something not sitting very comfortably with this. maybe because i knew someone like her years ago who was seriously into secret drug use and always played innocent victim until our eyes get opened. it was always don't let my husband know i am talking to you. some people are manipulative and hard work to live with. personally i think she should not be in this relationship anyway. i fear for her and the guy sometimes. you can see an accident waiting to happen. one of "them" just killed a yoruba lady, her brother and i think 2 kids recently. |
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JJYOU
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I don't know we keep having all these foreign women marry Nigerian men only to come online to whine. Were you forced to marry him at gunpoint?
If you're not happy with Nigerian men/culture, there is a way out called divorce. It makes you free to marry a man from your own race/culture with whom you will be more compatible. you wish it was that simple. |
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adconline (m)
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But according to what people are saying in this thread, the expectation is if one relative
helps another, the helper expects something in return--like an investment. I'm not sure if a
child or young adult (under 21) can "decide" that kind of responsibility. But as I've said a
zillion times, I'm looking at this from an American perspective. About your friend who
passed on medical school for his brother to school abroad, I'm guessing at some level, he
must feel some resentment. How can his brother come close to making up for him not going to
med school? That's pretty deep to think about. Maybe this is why some people (luckily not my
hubby!) get very, very angry and throw a fit about how they did XYZ for a person.
Folks here are not saying that you expect something in return before you "help" In Nigerian Society paying your relative's school fees is not regarded as help but the right and customary thing to do. If your hubby offered to pay for a first date or bought you a drink in a bar, did he not expect to get something in return? Its a norm for better placed individuals in a community to help upcoming ones. So in this case, you may not need to help that person who helped you- cos they are most likely better placed unless a pendulum of ill luck swings in their direction.
Also understand that most Nigerians would not understand why about 35 million Americans are collecting food stamps or why the govt is subsidizing houses for millions of folks because there are opportunities in America where most people can get a job. Most Nigerians would not understand why a man will be forced by a law court to take care of his God given children in form of child support. Raising a child in any society is an investment, but we have to delineate what investment means in some societies.
I remembered how Obama talked about his grandma's investment in him, In America, there is a
loose definition of community, your parents invest in your upbringing so that you become a responsible member of your society and you in turn pay taxes to support govt services in which you enjoy. In America, your govt is the provider of basic services, while in Nigeria its the family or community, so a child that is raised by the family or community is duty bound to "replenish" that pool of resources that might have benefited him. In America, it's a direct tax to sustain your govt while in Nigeria is an indirect tax to support your family and community. In Nigeria, most cultures don’t embody American definition of family
ie husband,wife and family- in some cultures there is no distinctive definition between a cousin and a sister. It’s your brother or sister.
About your friend who passed on medical school for his brother to school abroad, I'm
guessing at some level, he must feel some resentment. How can his brother come close to
making up for him not going to med school?
Obviously, this guy is not gonna be sitting his ass at home hoping that his younger would butter his bread, he reapplied for admission and got accepted to study pharmacy , so his younger brother is supposed know that there was a time in his life someone made a very big sacrifice for him, so if any of his relative ever needed some help, he should not have to feel bad about making sacrifices as well. Most importantly, his sacrifice has made it possible for two bread winners in a family to emerge instead of one. If my friend had not heeded his parents’ plea, he would have to graduate as med. doctor and take on the responsibility of catering to his younger siblings without an additional help
That's pretty deep to think about. Maybe this is why some people (luckily not my hubby!) get
very, very angry and throw a fit about how they did XYZ for a person.
Different strokes for different folks, you dont need to feel lucky for your hubby cos he knows his deep relationships with some of these folks. In Nigeria beggars are not choosers, so most folks who are asking for help don’t necessarily get mad because they are refused, they keep begging until you do something. It may trouble you more than your hubby cos he knows those he needs to help and those he wants to help. On another note , I would think that most of these Naija men would not be asking for money from their spouses to be sent home for their families. If they need money for family, they work and save for it. If you can cut him some slacks due to the fact he does not always go shopping with you any time you want to get that latest clothes and accessories from malls. You also need to understand that he may not all be enthused about the fact you choose to buy anything you can afford without his consultation. He needs his space in taking care of his family as well.
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blacklion (m)
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Adcon,
U are trying 0! But the person you want to educate already has her mind long made up about Nigerians and Nigerian culture; so you are more or less wasting your energy. Nothing you say here will penetrate an already closed mind especially the mind of one who did not grow up in a society with extended family system and so cannot understand how or why people would deprive themselves to help distant relatives.
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Leilah (f)
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I guess I have to do something that will raise my self esteem like loosing weight.
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sistawoman
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Just checking in. I will read thru the tread and then post more comments.
But as far as sending money back home, I know that he does but I dont know how much or how often as he takes care of this out of "his money" as I also send money to my parents out of "my money" the household bills are taken care of differently.
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prittigrrr (f)
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Leilah,
Please know this, that though losing weight may raise your self esteem temporarily, you MUST find the source of your insecurities from inside you. All of the posts that I have read of yours regarding your relationship are exceedingly pessimistic. You talk about how no Nigerian/white relationships will work and that the men will ultimately leave for a Nigerian woman. I dont believe this at all. If you believe this in your heart, it will manifest itself for you. You have a defeatest attitude and it turns to a self fulfilling prophecy.
You can only change you. You can not change your husband. Don't look to your husband as the source of all your problems. You can not control him, but your happiness is an inside job. It is your personal responsibility. What happens if you lose weight and then gain it? Will your self esteem plummet again? Will you be worthless because of this weight gain? Will you become less valuable because of an increase on the scale. Leilah, it appears to me that you are your biggest problem and not the husband. Even if he is worthless, you are the person who chose him.
I dont mean to sound cruel, but please, I would appreciate it if we could stick to the subject of the thread which was about sending money back home. How do these threads always deteriorate into the merit or the lack of merit of the Nigerian/non-Nigerian relationship? This is ridiculous! I would suggest that anyone marrying outside of their own culture and race seriously investigate all they can about the new culture. Ask questions, make friends, and thoroughly research as much as you can before jumping in. Make sure your spouse is committed to taking care of home and hearth as well as family obligations. Love is wonderful, but be realistic. If you cant take it, dont do it. After the vows have been made, it is a little late to complain.
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April22 (f)
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[color=#000099]
Folks here are not saying that you expect something in return before you "help" In Nigerian Society paying your relative's school fees is not regarded as help but the right and customary thing to do. If your hubby offered to pay for a first date or bought you a drink in a bar, did he not expect to get something in return? Its a norm for better placed individuals in a community to help upcoming ones. So in this case, you may not need to help that person who helped you- because they are most likely better placed unless a pendulum of ill luck swings in their direction.
Also understand that most Nigerians would not understand why about 35 million Americans are collecting food stamps or why the govt is subsidizing houses for millions of folks because there are opportunities in America where most people can get a job. Most Nigerians would not understand why a man will be forced by a law court to take care of his God given children in form of child support. Raising a child in any society is an investment, but we have to delineate what investment means in some societies.
I remembered how Obama talked about his grandma's investment in him, In America, there is a
loose definition of community, your parents invest in your upbringing so that you become a responsible member of your society and you in turn pay taxes to support govt services in which you enjoy. In America, your govt is the provider of basic services, while in Nigeria its the family or community, so a child that is raised by the family or community is duty bound to "replenish" that pool of resources that might have benefited him. In America, it's a direct tax to sustain your govt while in Nigeria is an indirect tax to support your family and community. In Nigeria, most cultures don’t embody American definition of family
ie husband,wife and family- in some cultures there is no distinctive definition between a cousin and a sister. It’s your brother or sister.
Obviously, this guy is not going to be sitting his ass at home hoping that his younger would butter his bread, he reapplied for admission and got accepted to study pharmacy , so his younger brother is supposed know that there was a time in his life someone made a very big sacrifice for him, so if any of his relative ever needed some help, he should not have to feel bad about making sacrifices as well. Most importantly, his sacrifice has made it possible for two bread winners in a family to emerge instead of one. If my friend had not heeded his parents’ plea, he would have to graduate as med. doctor and take on the responsibility of catering to his younger siblings without an additional help
Different strokes for different folks, you don't need to feel lucky for your hubby because he knows his deep relationships with some of these folks. In Nigeria beggars are not choosers, so most folks who are asking for help don’t necessarily get mad because they are refused, they keep begging until you do something. It may trouble you more than your hubby because he knows those he needs to help and those he wants to help. On another note , I would think that most of these Naija men would not be asking for money from their spouses to be sent home for their families. If they need money for family, they work and save for it. If you can cut him some slacks due to the fact he does not always go shopping with you any time you want to get that latest clothes and accessories from malls. You also need to understand that he may not all be enthused about the fact you choose to buy anything you can afford without his consultation. He needs his space in taking care of his family as well.
Your friend's story turned out to be good. I had wondered whatever happened to him. What I've said several times in this thread is I'm primarily talking about Nigerians living in Western countries who regularly ask for assistance from relatives and basically want to do things the Nigerian way. For some reason, there's seems to be more of a tendency for women in this thread to get this then men (except for a few men who posted). I know quite a few Nigerian men who oppose government assistance of any kind and describe themselves as Republicans or Independents. I only know one Nigerian woman who is Republican. All the other Nigerian women I know are Democrats and supported Obama. Also I am starting to wonder if in the longterm, Nigerian "culture" in terms of what family does for each other benefits men more so than women. The reason why child support is required in America is because in the past, men would just pay whatever they pleased. Divorces can get nasty and there's a tendency for men to either be stingy or try to get back at their ex. Incidentally, I do know Nigerian men who tried to avoid paying child support in the US. To my knowledge, divorce is still not that common in Nigeria, which is a good thing. But I know in the past here in the US, women oftentimes stayed in bad marriages because they couldn't leave and take care of the children. In my case, my husband and I are on the same page about finances. But what I didn't expect was for his family to be so persistent and even demanding and by the way, some are "choosers." But this is just a part of the culture. I accept that. I'm no longer looking at Nigerian culture sugarcoated. I'd like to also note that it seems as though the women in this thread are more likely to understand what I was talking about not being able to support everyone, although some men said the same thing. There's a thread in family where every woman says the wife should come first and the men are divided over whether the wife or extended family come first. So it appears the same concerns I bring up here are the same ones Nigerian women have. |
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April22 (f)
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I don't know we keep having all these foreign women marry Nigerian men only to come online to whine. Were you forced to marry him at gunpoint?
If you're not happy with Nigerian men/culture, there is a way out called divorce. It makes you free to marry a man from your own race/culture with whom you will be more compatible.
There's a tendency for women to vent. When people vent, we don't mention the good things. But men vent too. It's really a release. When I was engaged to my husband, his family started treating me differently and kind of gave me the cold shoulder. I started noticing some cultural differences and did research, but at the time I hadn't found this web site and didn't have Nigerian friends to really begin to understand the culture. But I did go to the older women in my family and to my friends who were either with African men or knew a lot about Nigeria. Just about all of them told me I was marrying my husband, but not his family so at the end of the day, it's about how I feel about him and how compatible they are. They said don't let them steal your joy. So that's the advice I took. Now I'm married and I definitely have a more realistic view of the culture than when we were just dating. The bottom line is each culture has pros and cons and strengths and weaknesses. My hubby's my best friend and we love each other and he stands up for me. The foreign women on here are really seeking more understanding and I'd imagine some may be in bad relationships and wonder if it's the culture difference that did them in. From my observations, a truly traditional Nigerian man probably isn't going to mesh well with an American woman, but this is being real general. Usually intercultural marriages require good communication and some compromise. |
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adconline (m)
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about Nigerians living in Western countries who regularly ask for assistance from relatives and basically want to do things the Nigerian way. For some reason, there's seems to be more of a tendency for women in this thread to get this then men (except for a few men who posted). I know quite a few Nigerian men who oppose government assistance of any kind and describe themselves as Republicans or Independents. I only know one Nigerian woman who is Republican. All the other Nigerian women I know are Democrats and supported Obama. Also I am starting to wonder if in the longterm, Nigerian "culture" in terms of what family does for each other benefits men more so than women.
Well Nigerians living in western countries asking for help from fellow Nigerians are Oliver Twists. don't get me wrong, you can ask for a favor in hard times, but constantly asking and insisting that it should be given to you is not a Nigerian thing but shear greed.
As per Nigerian culture in terms of what family does to each other, I think it haunts men more than women going by a patriarchal system. Also women can get married and are not looked upon to take care of their family as men unless they are well established and there is no capable male in their families. If they have a good paying job, very independent with cash or maybe with a rich husband- then their responsibility becomes as big as men "IF" there is someone who needs help. Married women are most likely to be asked for help by immediate family member viz brothers and sisters while a man is likely to asked for help by even a distant cousin.
As per govt help and all that, I was trying to let you know that what u call able bodied folks may not be as well. Just like the same way Nigerians would not why some high school students don’t graduate even though its free.
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KarmaMod (f)
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have been following her story my dear sister. there are 2 sides to every story. there is something not sitting very comfortably with this. maybe because i knew someone like her years ago who was seriously into secret drug use and always played innocent victim until our eyes get opened. it was always don't let my husband know i am talking to you. some people are manipulative and hard work to live with.
personally i think she should not be in this relationship anyway. i fear for her and the guy sometimes. you can see an accident waiting to happen. one of "them" just killed a yoruba lady, her brother and i think 2 kids recently. I believe her situation cos nothing she has said surprises me. Just makes me sad really and it doesnt help that her self esteem is VERY low so of course she's not gonna leave him. O tin je Mole where women no get mouth/mind |
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LoveAlways (f)
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I'd like to also note that it seems as though the women in this thread are more likely to understand what I was talking about not being able to support everyone, although some men said the same thing. There's a thread in family where every woman says the wife should come first and the men are divided over whether the wife or extended family come first. So it appears the same concerns I bring up here are the same ones Nigerian women have. I have to agree with the bolded text. I read Pritigrls post regarding how blacks use to care for family that moved from the south to the north, this is true; but at some point, family has to move on and do for themselves. It's okay to give family a "hand up", but it's not okay to constantly give family a "hand-out." |
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JustGood (m)
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I don talk say make una just dey talk rubbish.
Most of the men you're all clinging on to and encouraging to forget about their families would never have got to you if every other person in Nigeria has the same attitude you want them to have.
Most of them got to you through the benevolence of some other family members of friends but you now think they should not be helpful to others who may need their help.
Please go and find men from your own enclaves!!!
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kiwi992 (m)
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Hi Leilah,
I'm really sorry but I don't want to upset you.
I think that your problem is that you are very possessive. If you are not very careful, you would more than likely lose that hubby of yours simply because you wouldn't give him any space to breathe.
Jealousy and possessiveness are counter-productive in every relationship. I absolutely hate it when a woman is like that with me. Trudi was, and I hated her for it. In the end, she just drove me away. A little bit of jealousy is okay but definitely not the way you seem to carry on.
Take life as it comes and never worry about what would happen in the future between you and your husband. If he goes, he goes, so what? I thought you were training to become a Solicitor? Would you not be able to stand on your own two feet? What's up with you?
Men don't care so much about beauty as much as they care about the one's personality. If you are a bit on the big side, so what? Someone has to take you for who you are. Not a big deal, if you ask me.
Please try not to let the baggage of your previous relationship bring down the current one.
All the best.
kiwi992.
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KarmaMod (f)
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you dont know what you're talking about kiwi.
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Funkky123
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Nigeria men & women do not have to send money home, but you must be callous if your family need financial support and you do not offer it because you are married to a foreigner.
I am in UK and even when I was working in Nigeria, I always gave my 70something year old parents money regularly, I can't imagine not doing it because I love them dearly, they gave all to encourage me be a great person, education etc, (don't 4get many of our parens r responsible 4 us up till University) unlike say in the UK, where they expect u to start fending for urself once you are16 and the govt was paying child credit n mayb other benefits all along to the parents)
The main problem is because there is no pension/welfare in Nigeria, when the older relatives stop working their children really do have to support them in some way.
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touchmeder
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its not easy sha, me i nor understand until i come jand myself. well i neva asked for money from my sister or relations while in nigeria as i pleased, i must have been really pressed to have done that once or twice. now i am here and have seen things for myself i realise the love and sacrifice they went through to help me and i'd ever be greatful. even now i'm schooling and have to work too (this would have been most impossible in nigeria)
i stay with my sister in d main time. how could i ever repay her for her love.
look em you can never explain the african thing about helping out enough. As for sending money home for now, men forget it oh my school fees first, but i will definately remember my parents when i stand firmly for ground. i nor fit shout now
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touchmeder
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leila i dont know your past tales as some people keep referring to it so i wont even go there but all i just want to say is that your fear and insecurity is all in your head. even the shrink will not be fully to help you if you dont trust yourself. Relax gal ure a pretty woman who has great love and respect for her husband. think the best of your spouse and work on your self confidence. Ar you a christian draw closer to christ he will help u. you can only be d best of you,dont try to act the african woman or try to be like her. BE YOUR BEST. work on your weight if u want to or if you feel it wil help (it always helps) save some small flesh sha they like em fleshy and bouncy.  (just joking oh dont know what your man likes) all d best dear |
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segan (m)
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 I understand the situation of foregin wives with Nigerian Husband, well i just count myself luck.I am married to a polish American woman and based germany, my wife is not against he ideal of sending money home to Nigeria,fortunately i don't have anybody to send money to back in Nigeria because most of my siblings are overseas UK and US including my mom, my dad is financially stable we only send him money collectively for maintenance of some of his buildings, well the bottom line is that i have pals in Nigeria that ask me for money due to their financial situation.My wife is always in support of my sending money to them because she has been to Nigeria and stayed for 3 months , she knows how life is in Nigeria, she does not bother and welcome the notion to send money back home when the cases arises, but i have a pal that has a foreign wife and is having a hard time to send money home, I THINK IT DEPENDS ON THE TYPE OF WIFE YOU HAVE ,IF SHE IS UNDERSTANDING OR NOT, AFTERALL WE ARE FROM A THIRD WORLD COUNTRY AND IS NORMAL TO SEND MONEY BACK HOME TO PALS AND FAMILY MEMBERS, Please don't bad mouth me for what i said , this is my situation , thanks all
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Leilah (f)
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I think the best thing for me to do is give up because when he gets his passport he will act how he likes and then I wont put up with that. Some women are very patient and choose to put up with cheating abusers. He doesnt cheat now, but a naija man will always cheat with black women (even b4 they get their passports) so what can i expect. My flat white booty won't be enough for that. I have sadly gotten to the stage now where I just couldnt give a hoot. As much as I love him I doubt it will work out. A nigerian man needs a nigerian women to treat him like a king and let him to anything he like.  |
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p.lawson (m)
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your post is not totally correct,
you dont judge a book by another
cover, all men aint the same. k?
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monatoetje
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My husband and i are together for 6 years , married 5.
That he sends money to his mother was never a problem for me. I too, come from avery tight family , so i would have done the same for mine. However , i would not like it if he`d send money to relatives who should be capable to work or at LEAST TRY to get a job. We work very hardfor our money and we both feel that we should only help those who are really in need.
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jess833
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hi anna
it would be great to chat to you.i am an irish girl who has dated a nigerian man .but had many probelms.i love him but i dont know does he love me.
any advice to find out ??
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g+
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taken my time to read through this thread. im not married but may end up with a foreigner. the issue is this i lost my mum at age nine and moved in with her sister where with my cousins we grew up like one big happy family. today you will need to be told that we are not all from same parents. sending money here and there, contributing to one course or the other on behalf of my 'brothers and sisters" is a normal and routine issue. we stood through the hard times together and its no big deal to lend a helping hand when the need arises.
so ladies just get used to your nigerian hubby and the need to sustain that structure that brought him through to you like getting used to his accent. its just that sumple.
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9jaganja
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Which cultural difference are people talking about? You mean you are closed minded and aren't open to better ideas?
Both AA women and Afro Caribbeans I've dated never had any problem with me or my culture. Actually I only love the artistic aspect of my culture not the lifestyle aspect cause I'm willing to adapt to any situation and compromise for my benefit. What culture are we talking about? They eat shit and I don't eat shit? or I wash my ass with soap and water after using the toilet? What culture is different?, Naija babes just de find how to keep their men so dem de scare off these beautiful African American women!! hahahaha nice try but I'm getting married to either an African American or any other African woman with open mind and not a culture slave!!
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monatoetje
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@ all,my uncle in ireland sent me a sempron laptop, checked on the web, it cost 800 dollars,he is married to a naija lady and they have two kids overthere.my friend's brother has refused to send him any thing complaining things are not easy,he is in the states married to an african american, things are so difficult for him, he is shipping a jeep this december to naija,get my drift? No , i don`t get your drift. Maybe the money he spend on shipping that car was the last money he has?? Or even if it`s not , HE worked for that money , so it `s HIS MIONEY and he does not owe anyone any explanation on why he shipped that car but nothing to a relative. See, this is one of those things i`ll never understand . nothing wrong with helping relatives but what i noticed is that if you keep sending money to them some people will become lazy and will rely on you . i don`t like that. If you`re old enough to work and your legs are still " working " LOL go and work, same goes for those who`s parents are still alive. |
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JustGood (m)
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@9jaganja,
Please go and marry your foreign women.
Just tell them to spare us their complaints anytime things dont work out in their relationships.
Rather than moaning about Nigerian men, they should stick with their own. And, if they have been stupid enough to allow themselves be used to secure resident papers, they should divorce and scrammmmmmmmm. Why must anyone have to keep hearing them moan? They should go and moan to the people they listened to hen they were dating the men.
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monatoetje
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Justgood, When a Nija man/woman is used or mistreated by his/her foreign spouse we will also " hear about it " so why should only Nigerians have the right to moan and complain ??
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9jaganja
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@9jaganja,
Please go and marry your foreign women.
Just tell them to spare us their complaints anytime things don't work out in their relationships.
Rather than moaning about Nigerian men, they should stick with their own. And, if they have been stupid enough to allow themselves be used to secure resident papers, they should divorce and scrammmmmmmmm. Why must anyone have to keep hearing them moan? They should go and moan to the people they listened to hen they were dating the men.
And you think I'll take that as an advise? I just love diversity and being open minded is one thing these complaining cunts need to have. If you were willing to accept him then let him be who da hell he is. But some men are just using that culture thing to dump their girls. That culture is a problem is a plain fallacy. Most African American ladies I know want to be with an African man if he speaks English no matter how bad. when African men start acting all cultural shit they fully understand he doesn't want them anymore. |
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Mugabe (m)
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please leave it that way.thats one cultural herritage we have as an edge over you guys in the west.bye bye!!!
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9jaganja
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@9jaganja,
Please go and marry your foreign women.
Just tell them to spare us their complaints anytime things don't work out in their relationships.
Rather than moaning about Nigerian men, they should stick with their own. And, if they have been stupid enough to allow themselves be used to secure resident papers, they should divorce and scrammmmmmmmm. Why must anyone have to keep hearing them moan? They should go and moan to the people they listened to hen they were dating the men.
I don't consider Black American women and other black women foreign women. Only other races are foreign to me. Any one either mixed or fully black is considered my own family. African women are too deep into cultural stuffs and I don't want anyone to indoctrinate my kids either by religion or culture. Loosen up a bit and foreign men will kill themselves for 9ja babes!! |
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