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omoge (f)
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to quote you " than most nigeria women?" what do you mean?
face ya education sistah. make sure you are done with your edu before entering the market.
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nice1967
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Thank you for responding to me. I will give you an example. Not all women can cook, just because they are a woman. I can cook American food as well as Nigerian food. The reason I said this is because I know their are Naija women who can really cook, and many today who don't have time, nor have been interested in learning. This is just in todays society everywhere; again like I was saying, not all women have interest in that. I speak of Naija women because this is the post I am asking for advice on ( a Naija post.) My interest are Naija men. I can cook very well and can prepare all of the Naija dishes. This is why I made that statement. I hope that wasn't offensive, only trying to give an idea of my cooking abilities since this was a part of the information I was giving in regard to my question I was asking. Also thank you for the advice. I am now just trying to heal from the hurt from him.
Take care
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topup
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@nice1967
I am in a similar situation though my relationship was not as serious, my ex of 3 months told me he was getting a job in a place 3 hours away, and since then our relationship started wavering. He told me he wanted to continue what we had despite the distance, but his behaviour started becoming very distant (fewer messages and calls, less intimacy) and eventually he told me he didn't think that he could commit to me. I dumped him then as nobody should be in a relationship when the other person does not wish to be in one or won't even give it a try. Everything was going great and he just seemed to distance himself.
I don't know what advice to give to you apart from the fact that your guy may have been having doubts about your relationship a while back, but probably did not confront them, it doesn't seem like you did anything wrong, sometimes, all it takes is another more willing woman or concept to distract a guy from what is good infront of him. I like you, never argued with him, I cooked him pounded yam and efo (he was saying he hadn't eaten it since his mother made it for him) and I always insisted on paying for some of the dates and never exploited him. I always encouraged him to obtain his goals and I tried my best to protect my heart. He seemed to be falling in love with me, he even told me this, and I think that was when I started becoming relaxed and opening up.
Now in hindsight I am thinking maybe I should have contacted him, but that issue didn't seem like something we could work out, it seemed like something HE would have to work on himself.
We're not on speaking terms, and this kills me even more. I think I loved him.
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nice1967
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Hi TopUp, thank you for your response. I am so sorry to hear that for you. It is very frustrating, especially when you are putting your all into a relationship. You are very right about both having to want it. Both have to be on the same level; willing to compromise to make it work. Not one compromising, doing the right things, and the other one taking, but not giving his all back in return. I tell you, I heard, I love you every day, but the problem is, it wasn't shown in the actions. How can you say you love me, and express your plans for us one day; a week later, you are emailing a good luck letter. It is cruel, and uncaring. He always spoke of his despise for men who are cheaters, cowards, and look at the cowardly email he sent me. I wish you the best in your endeavors. I know you will meet the kind of man deserving of your love. I know this will happen for myself as well. I truly enjoy Naija men, and hope to meet one who will really know how to love me. Talk soon  |
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topup
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Yes you are completely right and though I don't know you, I feel so proud at your strength. He will want you back I can feel it, but please do not hope for him to come back, I am giving you advice that I myself am finding so difficult to accept. He WILL miss the certainty of your love, your wonderful home making skills, your cooking, your care, your acceptance of him despite him being much older than you.
I believe you weren't just a nice girlfriend I believe you were a great girlfriend. The man wasn't serious!!
My ex told me his father had another wife before his mother, and he told me so many stories of how he had been hurt so many times in his life. I thought he was mature to understand he is at risk of taking it out on other people or having the same problems so I watched him. Much like your ex, he told me a lot and I think I fell in love with the potential, the man he was going to become once he'D overcome all his demons. He even tried quitting smoking for me, though once again I had his words, he told me he was smoking less packets. I accepted him no matter what and now that it's over I am really finding it hard not to be b***** about him, 'because all of my friends are in my ear, guys and girls telling me, he wasn't handsome, he was a smoker, a drinker, wasn't as committed to his faith as I needed, wasn't this, wasn't that. I knew his background as a guy who had had one night stands before BUT I did not know that he was still dealing with his demons, I asked him about his past, he layed it down infront of me, but did not tell me how recent his 'past' really was.
I still love him and I can't wait for the day we start speaking as friends again because though I do not believe we will get back together, I have a hope that we could be great friends again.
I want him to realise what he's lost.
Things he said to me after the break up made me believe that he still cared, but then why did he leave me?
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nice1967
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Hey Topup, you know that your words are very encouraging. May God bless you. I tell you this, your guy is missing out on a good relationship. Is your ex Ibo? I am sorry you have had to go through this. I will tell you this. When I went to visit, I stayed there for 2 weeks. He has family only thirty minutes away. A cousin, his wife, and children whom he is very close to. One clue I should have gotten is that he never introduced me to them. I knew of them, he visits them regularly when I am not there, but on my visit, I never saw them. I have been so loving to him Topup; you know I even write poems for him, send him lovely PowerPoint presentations dedicated to him. I would send suprise cards in the mail, ecards, and for Father's Day a lovely plant was delivered to him. I did these things because of my love for him. There was no other reason. We would share hours talking about us, because we lived so far apart. I never gave him any reason to doubt my love. I even loved him through his arrogance, and high opinion of his abilities. I will share this with you. During my visit, I was so respectful of his surroundings. He never had to worry about me snooping, or doubting anything about him. I was putting some of my things onto his dresser as he suggested I should do before he left for work. I moved over his colognes and vitamins. Well Lord and behold, one bottle wasn't vitamins, but viagra. He hadn't told me about that. He had nine tablets from what the bottle stated, he only had three left, and had gotten the prescription one month before my visit. He wasn't using these with me may I let you know. Well that is the sad story. Even though I was visiting, even after this discovery, I still was very gracious, prepared meals upon his return from work, and loving. This will truly be his loss of someone who could have really had his back. You seem like such a sweet person, I don't know what is wrong with your guy. He will come to realize that he is missing out on a special person. Sometimes people think that there is always something better; when in reality they have already been blessed with someone who is so special. I hope you can be friends with your guy. My situation, I don't know? The good luck letter he sent me was very brief, insincere, no thought put into it at all. I just wonder if I was a conquest, and that was it. Do you enjoy Naija men more than other men, or all the same? I hope your doing well?
Talk soon
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princess k
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nice and topup i think you should be thanking your stars it stopped there. and please igbo men will not marry foreigners they don't even marry non igbos from nigeria, they even prefer their illiterate igbo girls to non igbos.if you are looking for N men i think you should go for the yorubas they hardly have wives back at home they may be playas but the good ones are good.maybe other tribes too but not igbo they love their igbo flavor kwim.
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nice1967
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Hi Princess K
I really want to thank you for that insightful tip. I have heard that before. I have this friend in Houston. He is Ibo, seperated from his wife, and denies that this is true. I asked him about this a few months back. He said he has friends in Houston, and UK that have happily married foreigners. I am agreeing with you. I heard this originally from someone that is Yoruba. This is interesting that you bring this to the light. I really thank you. Let me say this to you. The guy that I have been talking about, he said that he has never dated an African lady. He has been in the states for 27 years. His ex was an African American. Well about a month ago we were talking over the phone somewhat about ex's. He mentioned that he had met a lady from Texas online about a year ago. They became interested, thought about marriage. Now keep in mind he mentioned this story a little bit about three months ago. He made it sound then as if she was African American. Well the story came up again like I was saying a month ago. This time he tells me more. They were even thinking about marriage. He know says she was a Nigerian lady, yes Igbo, hmmmmmmmmmmm. He says that she was to visit two weeks, it turned into two months. He discovered she wasn't a traditional African woman and he asked her to leave, it wasn't working. So this is a bit different than originally told. He then tells me that Naija men give African American women a little slack, because we don't know, but African women know better. This was two weeks before his sorry excuse of a good bye good luck email.
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topup
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My ex was yoruba like me, and only lived in the UK for the last 4-5 years of his life. I asked upfront about everything I found suspicious but the problem was I wasn't willing to pursue any dodgy answers. I thought if he was up to something, just knowing that I was getting suspicious would make him stop it. I once saw a condom in his wallet after he came back from going out with the boys clubbing. I saw another on the table.
@ Princessk
YES I thank God that it ended there! I do! It was just such a messy ending I can't believe it. I asked him what the condom was and he didn't answer, he just told me that it wasn't his, he was quite drunk at the time and started to accuse me of putting it there, then was when I chose to believe that maybe one of his 'boys' wasn't looking out for my best interests and maybe wanted my ex to know what a true great night out entailed (more explained later).
That issue didn't bother me since the same night he told me he loved me, and our relationship at that point seemed very open, it seemed stupid for me to lose my cool over a condom, since it wasn't used or anything,
I think our problem is that we give the men too much benefit of the doubt, if we find something dodgy we should pursue it, so that they know that they still have to gain our trust. What I should have done was to ask him for a definite answer, though the next morning when he'D sobered up, I asked him again but he barely wanted to comment, I should have known something was up, but I chose to believe that it was myself who was overreacting and the day was going too beautifully to ruin it with 'an argument which I had brought on'.
There were only a few signs that my guy might have been dodgy or the non-serious type, though the signs were few, they were the maybe the most important a woman should look for.
Such as; his dodgy friends and his on-going story of how he was NOT like his friends, I mean just because he exposed the tactics his friends used on girls didn't mean that he wasn't using the same tactics, though I thought it highly unlikely that he would draw attention to the fact his friends lie to get a girl in bed, since that would make me a lot more alert *which it did* and that is why I escaped without doing anything I may have come to regret.
I just have a belief that my ex couldn't commit to me because I didn't have sex with him, in the short time we went out. My ex needs to grow up and become a real man, maybe if he had proven to me he deserved my trust and was a man of his words and proved this through his actions then maybe I may have considered staying with him or working it through, but to be honest with you, I'm too young to be worrying about such things, and there are better out there.
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nice1967
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Hi Topup, I am sorry to hear that about the condom situation. You are a kind person, and one to give someone the benefit of the doubt. I will tell you this, I was the same way; when I discovered the viagra tablets he never told me about. They weren't for us. He had gotten these a month before my visit. The prescription was for nine, and there were only three in the bottle when I came across it. Obviously, he had used them elsewhere. These type of men are selfish, only for self gratification. I don't know if they truly know how to love, even if they say I love you. It appears that their pleasure is put first, before the relationship they may have with us. I am praying that you meet a beautiful Naija man. One who will love you with all of his heart, while protecting yours. I hope the same for myself as well. Do you watch the Nollywood movies? Isn't this what you see always in them? They are so about life, and love.
Talk to you soon
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kearra (f)
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thanks for the replies just a little more info for you all my man is igbo and we have made plans to marry he first asked me just last Christmas gone. Can any one explain the difference to Ibo men? is it a similar tribe  or am i in for a nasty surprise lol, I've been told many good things about igbo men and some scary things as well. you either get a good and serious one or you could end up with a scammer  I pray in my heart that Ive found a good one hes very attentive and affectionate difference with us is we both had to sign a statutory declaration swearing we were single and had no other partners or wife /husband children etc in any other state. to prove we had no other partner. He did his and i did one for myself. Now I know Ive never been married but i must admit people have placed doubt in my mind as to his honesty. Mm mm I know my feelings are strong and i believe in my love for him so why dose my family and friends warn me off We are making plans to marry within the next 2 years choosing to live together for a year first a kind of trial marrage so to speak. We have known each other a little over 18 months as a couple just as friends before that Enlighten me I'm all for learning how to avoid heart ache as well |
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nice1967
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Hi Kearra, I have some friends who are Nigerian. Mostly Yuroba, but some Ibo. My ex that broke up with me through the email. He is an Ibo man. I will say this, all people are different based upon our own makeup and thought processes. I do believe though that we humans based on gender, ethnicity, cultural background hold similar traits. My ex was very attentive and sweet to me. I never quarreled with him, was very loving, kind, compassionate and passionate. We lived long distance, but I visited last in May 2008. Out of nowhere, he wrote me a good luck, break up letter. No warning signs, and just 10 days prior he was talking about how he was working on his savings so that when I finished my degree program and moved to where he is in California next year, he was going to buy our home. I had total trust in him, only to be disappointed in the end. I will say this, he has told me things about Ibo men, this is why I was suprised at his decision and insensitive actions. He says that Igbo men usually like to marry within their own tribe. They are not even very keen about marrying other Nigerian women who aren't Ibo. Also he told me that the Ibo men in the states liked to bring from back home women who are usually in the nursing field. When they arrive here and get settled with putting their papers into order they can go into nursing. Usually CNA's, home health, or go to school for nursing. As a nurse working double shifts, they can make money and put it into the husbands account for the family. This allows the man to have control over the money. He said they are called ATM's. I also have another friend (an Ibo.) He has been a family friend for a while. He has been seperated from his wife, she and he both are Ibo. He and she have been seperated for 3 years. Yet he won't divorce her. He dates other women and has a separate home from her. He even takes care of their son who is a teenager that lives with him. Yet he won't divorce her. It is in regard to how the family would feel about the divorce. She and he have no real contact, but that is their story. I had a friend when I first started college. He is also Igbo. A very friendly, fun guy. He is the very attentive type, business minded, money conscious. He said that he had never been married. I and he were very good friends and classmates. I even thought about giving him a chance at relationship; only to find out by the grace of God he had married someone here in this country. They didn't even live together, but I think it was about papers. So I am saying he wasn't truthful from the beginning. My question to you? Are you helping your fiancee to get his papers? I am not trying to be too nosey, but only wanting you to be very sure about the circumstance. If so, have you guys been together the 18 months before any mention of marriage? Have you had the chance to physically, or verbally meet his parents? Is he totally open with his lifestyle with you? Do you two share common goals? I pray for you that you two will be blessed and have a fruitful relationship. Test everything. What I mean by this is, be loving and kind as usual. Whatever is said from his mouth, make sure his actions support it. Research on things such as his tribe, the region he is from, if family lives in city, or village. His financial situation, education level, work ethics, how he treats women, if he respects this country, religion, views on marriage, etc. You should gradually ask him these questions during your quiet time together. I love my Nigerian people. They are beautiful. The men are very interesting, sexy, business minded, intelligent, etc. But, please know all you can about him and his motives before you go any further. Stay blessed |
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kearra (f)
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Good morning , nice1967
OK to start off i can say no we did not talk of marrage before we became a couple.
as friends we spent most of our time chatting about studies (his) and our days in general what we did etc.
we didn't become a couple it kind of just happend as we stayed together most days chatting i guess that our friendship grew from there
I had growing affection for him but kept it to my self because i didn't want to bother him with the hassles while he was studding I never showed intrest in a man before he enterd my life.
I have a son from a previous relationship which to make a long story short i left because of abuse form my sons farther ( 9 Years of being beeten black n blue ) I wont say any more on that. I raised my son alone not wanting help form any one trusting no man i hated being touched.
I never even looked at a man in over 15 years , No boyfriends no mates and definitely no sex !
I remained celibate completely giving my self and my affections to my son.
I didn't trust men.
OK now Ive never married. Ive been asked a few times before but always refused. ( long befor i met my sons farther or having my son)
So when I met my n-man i was just talking to him because he spoke first. He was polite and softly spoken. and he had the most beautiful smile that went straight to my heart.
I was very cautious of him at first , but i liked him also there was something differant about him, and no not just his colour either
he asked me if he could talk to me as friends
I dissided why not, no harm in just talking right! any how another long story short , our chats were just day today words
he never asked me for money and he never even suggested he needed any thing.
We only started to date as such after I'D known him for 4 months we never slept together in that time.
it would have been 7 months later after our first real date that he asked me to marry him.
I'D been asked before to marry and always said no, yet when he asked me i never even hesitated I said yes
So to answer your questions now,
Yes i do now help to support his studdies and to pay for his papers to get here
But not completely when i send him money its only a small amount. i once offed to pay for his trip here to visit me and he said no that he would pay his own way.
secondly i once sent him some money before telling him and he got quite upset and told me never to to it again, His words were ''If I require your help i will ask you" So yes Ive helped him pay for his fees etc
His family , I speak to his sister on Sm's and Ive called her a few times on the phone.
I've tyred to talk to his mum but her English is not the best (his farther passed away)
I have photos of his sisters and brother, and i already know his education as i have all his certificates here with me
as for commen goals yes we share many and some differant.
i share many commen intrests but we have some that we differ on as well.
As for history hes told me a little of his family but i will ask him some more as time passes
He is very work orientated and has plans for the future and as for intelligence yes he has a good head on his shoulders very much a busness man in the full sence of the word. I have a friend at work a Nigerian a lady who answers all my silly questions about there culture etc, she's quiet happy to tell me the good and bad about her people and the differant tribes. I have to smile every time i see her as she now refers to me as her sister.
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nice1967
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Hi Kearra, I want to first of all commend you for coming through such a horrific experience and having the ability to love again. May God bless your soul my sister and fill it with all the joy it can forever hold.
I truly pray for the blessing of you and your guy to one another. I think it is wonderful that you can give him the opportunity to love you and you he. Does he live in Nigeria? Have you asked him what area he is from? Is it North, SouthEast, Southwest,etc? I think you are doing the right things to know him better. Please learn as much as you can about his family. Ask so many questions of him. Even if you create a list of questions and ask him five at a time whenever you speak with him.
I will say this Kearra, if two people live in separate countries and you truly love one another, there is nothing wrong with one helping the other to come over to be with the other. I will say this, please don't send any more money. This will allow you to see his true seriousness about the relationship. He can do all that is necessary for being the man in the relationship. He will also find the resources to do what ever is necessary to pay for his way here to be with you at that time.
This way if anything is not up to par, or fall through, you won't have added pain to top off all you have gone through with the previous abuse situation. We women have such warm and loving hearts. We try to love our men to the best of our abilities, but sometimes it turns out for the best and other times not.
I really think Naija men are beautiful. It is really good to know their background since they are coming from one culture maybe different than your own. Sometimes they have come from families where the dad may have more than one wife. Eventhough here in US it is illegal, when they come here if they have been exposed to that throughout their youth it may be easier for them to cheat on or leave their wifes. Also they are very strong and opinionated men who may still hold onto the views of old. That the wife is beneath the husband and she is to do all he expects from her. Yet, he doesn't reciprocate it.
So be very watchful, yet loving in your relationship. Look out for the best interest of yourself and dear child. Really preview him from all angles. I know you say he was your friend first. and it then became more later. Just ask questions, questions, questions. I am glad you know someone at work who is Naija you can talk with. Ask her so many questions. Find out if she is from same region, or tribe as he. Research online about Naija tradition, or read books on it. Elevate knowledge on what to expect and ask him questions to include him in on this. Let him know you want to know about and be a part of his traditions.
I think you are doing the right things. If he doesn't want you to send money, my dear don't . I wouldn't do this anyway. Let him find his means to be the man you need him to be. He can then in preparation be prepared to be your husband. Also I want to mention to you, find out how close he is to his mum. This will allow you to see how he treats women. Also know that when you marry and he comes here, your money isn't just yours and his, but you guys will also be helping out his family back home. This is very traditional back home. Have you met him before? Did you two meet online?
God bless
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femigirl (f)
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Ok two years later Dido,what happened with you and the Naija man? please tell me you left him and your living happily ever after now?
I have said this to women over the years, until you have a light bulb moment when you realise enough is enough you will stay in your unhappy situation. It doesn't matter how much good advice anybody gives you. There good Nigerian men and bad Nigerian men. But I firmly believe that women need to wake up and smell coffee. Someone can one only treat you the way you alllow them to. Believe it not you decide to fall in love with a guy and you can decide to fall out as well.
As a women,when things go wrong look at the situation and say what could of I done differently. I believe women see signs of a bad guy early on in the realtionship but they ignore it and lie to themselves. I think it also good to see what kind of realtionship he has with his ex's. It says alot.
There are alot good Nigerians guys out there my dad is one, my cousin been married to women from the island for 20 years and they are still happy.
I pray to God you all find men and women who will love you for what and who you are. Good luck in finding forever lasting love, Amen.
God bless
x
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kearra (f)
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how to best answer the questions? my man is Nigerian but not currently living in Nigeria, hes studding in Malaysia which is where he was when i first met him in person, yes we originally met in a chat room over the internet. but our first person to person was in Malaysia while studding there, as students I was abused by a white man and a cowed as far as I'm concerned, beeting me was how he got off, I left him after 9 years of this, mainly because i was to scared to walk away , or to be alone ( a bad relationship was better than none ) So wrong i was, my Son was 2 when i got up the courage to leave as i didn't want him to grow up thinking this was the normal.( fighting and arguing ) If any thing he made me stronger and i will now stand up for myself in many ways and not be treated like a doormat Wounds are slow to heal and trust must be ernt not given away. I'm a hard person who hid a soft heart. who here can't say they want it all , and i don't mean money or fame Singel mum and true romantic at heart, thats me OK so when N-man came along alarm bells rang , but so did my heart, men come and they go like so many other things in life, they say never judge a book by its cover so, i sit here and i will take my time to go over the pages of my life and i remember! bad things so much pain. I threw that book away and open another , Story continues and pages turn we don't know what will happen till we read the next page , we can not just skip to the ending and find out what is comming up, what fun would that be. What lessons would be learnt ? My story continues, will there be heart ache or happy ever after , I don't know, yet i turn another page and watch life unfold before me, Should i stand by and let it pass by NO i wont stand by any more, I want to live life again and share it with another, I've chosen this new path and were it go's only God knows , I place my heart in my n-mans hands but i place my trust in God, my love and heart are to place trust in N-man. What will happen only time can tell, So stay tuned as i begin to turn another page in my life starting a whole new chapter. Wish me luck! not heart ache for i know i will have my share or is this the Good one you talk about. I found this sight purely by accident , or was it meant to be ?? Be assured ill be back and we can all continue to read through the book we all call life, will we Marry will we survive heaven knows as dose God, If pain is to be had then i will endure and grow stronger or will i stumble and fall ? find its all a hopeless dream. I pray in my own heart all is good and true that life is finely happy, I'm a romantic looking for love, ill let you know if Ive found it soon enough How can love be a memory worth having if I don't give it a chance , Follow my heart and life, or live in fear and darkness till end of time alone always wondering if he was the one . I've never had real love, so why dose my heart sing and my lips smile when i hear his voice over the phone ?? |
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