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ronkebaby (f)
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this is a true life experience. my female friend was faced with making a decision as to whom to choose between two male suitors. she was actually in a relationship with one of them for about two years before going for her youth service, where she ended up meeting the other. the one whom she was dating at that time proposed to her on born again grounds i.e. that God spoke to him that he was the husband. she then agreed to start the relationship being herself chronic born again at that time, even thou she had no form of attraction for the guy. she agreed all the same with the conviction in her heart that God's ways are different from the ways of humans, hence using that to justify God's sending her someone contrary to her dream man. but when she went for her nysc, she actually saw (the second suitor) a born again Christian brother that she was attracted to, but ended up turning down his marriage proposal because she felt she was pleasing God already by accepting the first one that came to her as her husband. she was also afraid to own up to her feelings o this new brother. she was equally scared of hurting the first brother by telling him the truth of still haven't been able to grow any romantic feeling for him for the two years they had dated. now she is been married to the first brother for almost 6 years and has just realized her folly, that in the issue of marriage, there is nothing like 'God says'. having lived with her husband for this long, she is seen enough to confirm that she's been deceived into a relationship, hence marriage. the guilt is so strong on her that she wants your advise on whether to tell the other brother(thou he is married now)what actually transpired and the reasons why she refused his marriage proposal then. Don't forget he is the other brother she truly cared about. she entered marriage with the first thinking that love would grow. this love has refused to grow and she really detests this brother now for taking advantage of her. please help my friend to know if there is really anything like 'God says' and whether she should look for her true love's address and ask for his forgiveness. And could God have actually told the first brother who is now the husband that 'that is your wife' is it good for brothers to say 'God told me', instead of just plainly an honestly making their feelings known without the involvement of God's name?
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Douzy (m)
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As far as I'm concerned, there's nothing like "God said I must or will marry you", in the sense that God's revelations to us are not that direct and point blank. God does not specifically make a marriage work, so no one should fall into that folly of "God said, " (especially ladies). A marriage would never survive nor be meaningful and enjoyable unless it is built upon mutual respect, similar interests, trust, faithfulness, understanding, deep friendship and intimacy, great attraction and affection, sacrifice, etc. Once a party in a marriage begins to feel used or coerced into the marriage, the marriage is almost as good as being nullified.
Personally, I do not believe in the notion of a particular soulmate. I would rather say that there are several, may be, few potential soulmates out there (not all the people you meet). It is then left for each person to make the best out of whomever we meet. There is no need to be desperate or think that we owe anyone the obligation of marrying the person, even after engagement (though it is better to give it much thought before accepting to accept a man's hand in marriage). There are women who walked out of what they thought would be a depressing marriage right at the altar, just like some men have pulled off their cassocks at the altar few minutes (even seconds) before their 'aborted' priestly ordination.
Pity your friend is a "born-again", reason she may not want a divorce. Hence, she could work towards developing some attraction for her "husband" before the wreck of the marriage destroys her forever. She could also talk to her pastor about it (hoping her pastor would not advice her to leave her current husband to come and marry him - the pastor). What is more, I would not think she needs to go apologise to the second guy, unless she is thinking of leaving the current guy for him. She owes no one anything in this case, as far as I am concerned, hence she is free to take any decision she feels is best for her. If she eventually strongly feels she was tricked into the current marriage (which is even about enough ground for the Church to classify the marriage as a nullity if she were Catholic, though I doubt she is), then she should get out of it as soon as she can summon the courage to and go look for someone she really connects with.
Without enough attraction (mutually), a relationship, nay marriage, is hanging on a very thin string. Any little problem would make the string snap!
Just my two cents.
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gigitte (f)
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I'm of course speaking from a catholic point of view. if it were me and i was sure the man deceived me into marriage by saying 'God Said' then i was never married, because i didnt not have the full facts before entering into the marriage. I'm also not married in the eyes of God and the church, because a foundation of lies does not make a marriage. i would therefore annul my marriage, get divorced legally and go and look for the man of dreams. but i would also go for counselling sha
on the other hand, maybe she never tried to develop feelings for her husband because love can grow. maybe she just really focused on her other love and didnt try to make her marriage work. if this is the case, then she should forget that other guy and really try and make her marriage work.
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Ugwumba (m)
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see why i stay catholic? - like giggite pointed out this crap of 'God says' that so-called born again brothers come up with, would not in anycase survive in the catholic faith.
1. no reverend father would support this as a premise for consumating a union.
2. an annulment of the marriage on the grounds of its being based on deception, would be readily granted.
as to the second part of the post, what does the girl stand to gain by telling her 'true love' who is now married what transpired.
does she now want to 'sow a seed' and destroy another marriage?
if she cannot learn to love her husband, let her move on,and hope that she finds true happiness elsewhere (not with the second guy though).
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mamaput (f)
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I am surprised at the NR of people God is talking to these days.
What dose she hope to achive in going to talk to the other man.
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ronkebaby (f)
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but who is really guilty between these couple? is it the brother that lied to her to make her marry him or the sister that accepted the marriage proposal , and never told the brother her true feelings towards him that she does not actully like him, but can tolerate him only?
secondly, the sister in wanting to get in touch with the other brother is not because she intends to break his home, but just to reveal some hidden things of the past to him as to why she refused his proposal and probably bcome friends. the two of them are poles and miles apart now, so i don't think it would work attempting to lure him away from his wife anyway.
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Douzy (m)
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No one should be talking about guilt now. The brother may have believed God really spoke to him (the pastor may have even encouraged him) considering the fact that 'religion' has blindfolded a lot of folks today. The sister may have believed that she could develop some attraction for the guy later, believing that God really (pre-)ordained the marriage. The brother would only be guilty if he really deceived the lady into the marriage. If the lady went into the marriage, not aware of any lies (if there was any), but because she's been friends with this guy more than the other, then she should just shut up and try to make the marriage work. Like I said earlier, it's not about who is guilty. I still maintain that the 'sister' needs not get in touch with the other 'brother' because there's just nothing to reveal. It's not really his business why she didn't want to marry him. She owe him no explanations. Please, ladies do you owe guys any explanations why you wouldn't want to date or marry any of us? It's personal to her and she can only talk about it when she wants to and to whom she feels like. What does she hope to achieve with going to reveal anything to the other guy? For God's sake, I want to believe the other guy is already enjoying his own marriage and really doesn't even need the distraction. It only smacks of over-scrupulosity for her to be thinking of going to pour her heart out unto the other guy. She must be a fanatic!  |
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ronkebaby (f)
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but as at the last time the sister in question saw the other guy, he was not enjoying his marriage as well and infact blamed the sister for pushing him into marrying a second best. i think the sister is more convinced than ever now that they were both met for each other, but as a result of her decision made them end up with wrong patners. maybe this is why she feels she owns the brother an explanation now and to say she is sorry for all the pains caused on both sides. and who knows they could strenghten each other by still remaining good friends.
finally, is it right for a pastor to tell a brother what u just said without calling the sister to find out her true state of feelings too? and yeah you are right, she did believe she would grow to love the brother, but marriage is a diff experience o. i think it is true love that can sustain it when u are faced with challenges. if the love does not originally exist and then you have so many challenges u're facing, there is little to no time to grow any love. and u seem to have forgotten that most people real identities are revealed in marriage esp with xtians who do blind courtship and by the time u see these things, u now open ur eyes from ur heavenlies to realities!
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Douzy (m)
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I think this is getting more complicated than I had earlier thought. I might be back later.
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Busta (f)
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isn't it funny to know that born agains too have marriage issues  nobody deceived her into marriage or took advantage of her because she wasn't dragged to the alter, or was she? na wetin she won experience, she experienced so. and as a born again Christian she better brace hersef and just accept the marriage like that because divorce is a sin before God too. Make she endure, love will come later. as for the other guy that is married now, she should not venture goin near him because she belongs to someone else now. whether she tells him what happened in the past or not, it won't change a thing. she gotta mov on! |
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gigitte (f)
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actually busta divorce is not a sin before God. God just doesnt like it because marriages are meant to last till death. Moses did not like it, but he said on grounds of infidelity and i think abuse, it is permissible. Christ stressed his dislike for divorce but didnt say it was a sin.
where in the world did you hear that?
getting married again after you divorce is the sin, because that is viewed as adultery.
anyway, if this woman and the other guy were catholics, they could annul their marriage since it seems like the other Guy also deceived his current wife lol. sha sha, since they are not. i don't know, try and try to make it work!
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iice (f)
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If she couldnt love him through the years of dating, what pray tell made her think she would suddenly develop them when in a tighter bound relationship?
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Divagal (f)
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i don't see why she can't get out of her marriage, especially since she was deceived into it in the first place. but what is the possibility of the second one working? there will be too many things and people involved. if she wants a divorce, let her get it and stay alone for a while, not rush into a relationship with the other guy. ;Dare u sure it's not really u? because most of these 'my friend' things are really the people involved, lolllllllllll. just teasing though.   |
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