We’ve been married for like 5 years now and until recently, things have been ok. I really do love my wife and she has been such a blessing to me in many many ways, even to the extent of providing for me financially at times when I was really broke. Infact, she’s the reason that I was able to get a job in the States – she’s very intelligent and when she interviewed for a job with one company in the States, they liked her so much that they decided to hire her and sponsor a working visa for me, because she told them that she wasn’t willing to leave her husband just to come work for them. After we got here, She helped me write my CV and potential employers were so impressed (like I said, she’s very intelligent) that I got a very good job offer within a short time. However during the time I was applying for a job, I was idle most of the time my wife was at work and as a result started this online conversations with some of my friends. I’ve always had many female friends and I began to get really close to one of them. We would chat online and then call eachother often. On occasion, I would leave messages for her and call her pet names. All the while, my wife did not know anything about this, until the day she found out. I don’t know exactly how my wife was able to figure out that there was something going on, but she did, and when she presented me with evidence I had to admit what was going on – eventhough in the beginning I tried to convince her that there was nothing wrong with what I was doing. In order to convince her that there was nothing romantic going on between me and the lady in question, I went ahead and told the lady that my wife thinks that there’s something between us. The lady expressed shock and said many silly things about my wife. I didn’t stop her while she was talking bad about my wife (I didn’t want to stop the conversation), and even agreed with her on some of the things that she said. I then forwarded this conversation to my wife, so that she could see that there was actually nothing romantic going on. That’s when my wife blew up. In retrospect, I guess my action was quite stupid, but I was trying desperately to prove my innocence. We quarreled back and forth for weeks and I kept insisting that there was nothing wrong with what I was doing. She kept saying that if there was nothing wrong why was I doing all that behind her back? She asked me if I would be ok if she did the same thing and I told her NO. Anyway to cut the long story short my wife said that she’s tired of me and is leaving me. She doesn’t believe anything I’ve told her so far because I’ve lied to her several times in the past (usually about things that I consider minor), and then there was the porn she saw me looking at sometime ago, and me making phone calls to female friends and then deleting the call log so that she wouldn’t find out. But then she forgave me all that after I explained things to her. It’s just that this time, she has stopped listening to me … I guess I’ve spoiled my reputation with her.

But I need help. My wife is currently talking to a divorce lawyer and just the thought of this is making me lose sleep. She has even stopped wearing her wedding ring. She’s a very beautiful woman and I know of guys who have been eyeing her even while she was still wearing her wedding ring. I’m so confused, I don’t know what to do… We have a less-than 1 year old child and my wife is such a great mother to our child. I don’t want my family to break apart, what can I do? This is my worst nightmare. I know I’ve messed up, but can I ever have my wife back? Please help me,  what can I do to win her back?

hmmm

Ask her to forgive you. If she can do that and move past it, thats fine.
But if she can't forgive you, then i don't think there is anything else you can do about it.
sorry about your plight, and hope you've learnt your lesson.

firstly i really got to say this u are a fool u are a really big Fool u can't let ur wife do what u are doing but u don't think ain't nothing wrong with it when u are doing it u are so stupid and u are here saying she's all fine and u want her and she's amart y didn't u think about that when u was doing it i'm not sayin anything is wrong with talkin to a female friend on the phone but petnames and then doing it behind her back u know there is somthing going on in ur heart if she didn't catch u i know u would av cheated on her u are such a BIG DUMMY well all i got to say is talk to her and work things out and plead with her and if u are inocent like u said cos i don't belive u well try to prove it damn u are such a fool

Big mess up!

First of all, stop trying to convince your wife that what you did was NOT wrong! It was! Imagine if she did that to you, just half of that! Imagine she turning over a trasncript of a chat she had with a man where he said unprintabe things about you! What were you doing listening to another woman badmouth your WIFE and you said nothing and EVEN AGREED with some things she said?
What kind of fellow are you? Why do you expect her to stomach all these after all she's done for you?

You better go on your two knees now and beg like you never begged your parents!

Wow!!!!! David when i saw ur name i was ecpecting u 2 get on my ass but u didn't i'm surprised

kiki:

Wow!!!!! David when i saw your name i was ecpecting you to get on my ass but u didn't i'm surprised

i apparently did not have so much time for you today, besides you made sense for once!

Holes in your discourse.

Which company would be willing to sponsor a lady as well as a spouse, because "they liked her so much , "

And since they sponsored you, why were you not hired immediately by them, instead of allowing you to while away time?

A lady made some silly remarks about your wife, and you forwarded the conversation to your wife, in order to exonerate yourself from her suspicions that you were having an affair. Come, how old are you?

I find it hard to believe your story, but if it is true indeed, commit yourself to prayers and fasting. Prayers does wonders.

davidylan:


i apparently did not have so much time for you today, besides you made sense for once!

wow!!!!! hmmmmmmmmmmmmmm i'm kinda in a happey mood cos u know i wuld av gotten on ur ass but its all good i ain't gon let u spoil it for me

@Ndipe:

It was an international organization. They hired her and sponsored my Employment Authorization Card with the INS. This does not obligate them to hire me, it only means that I can work without needing any other employer to sponsor me.

About the conversation, yes I realize that was really stupid. I really don't know what I was thinking then. Thanks anyway for your advice.

nahhhhhhhhhhhh u know wat u was thinkin cos u was thinkin u don't want to loose the other woman also so u agrreed with her

Ndipe: if you have nothing nice to say, say nothing.

Bolarge55: ladies tend to react emotionally to things like this so, hmm, you're screwed. Unless something or someone makes her[i] feel [/i]better about you.

Can you get your lady-friend to apologize to your wife and promise never to contact you again? Perhaps that will be surprising enough to get through to her? I just don't know; one incident alone does not a divorce make. There may have been other things bothering her before this came up as the last traw.

I don't even know what to say. I want to curse you and call you stupid, but hey, no be me you do bad thing to.

------
On a more serious note, you are a F-u-c-k up. I mean come on now. U should never even allow a woman to talk bad about YOUR WIFE, talk more of agreeing to some of the things the woman says. Then u went further n showed your wife those awful words, another woman said about her.

Now sweetie, u have realized your mistakes, so i won't waste time pointing them out again. All im going to say to you is, STOP trying to defend yourself. Admit that u are a major f-u-c-k up, and you've screwed things up. Talk to your wife sincerely. Show her how much you love her.

Yes things can still work out. Pray, Be sincere with her, Let her know how SORRY you are. Dude, CRY! Don't fake the funk. These are things you should already be doing. I'm not saying that u should pretend to your wife.

Forget your ego and show your wife that u really love her. I didn't say TELL her that u love her. I said SHOW.

SOme men just . . . . Urgh! *shivers*

I mean you have(had) a woman that is beautiful, intelligent, has a fucking good job, helped u write a CV, helps financialy at home, and obvioulsy loves you, and u still had to mess up.  Jesus Fucking Christ, what else do u want?!

What is going on

read sweetie.

Ahem, _*coughs*, people go attack me, but here goes.

What did Bolarge55 really do, apart from engaging in some rather foolish, but harmless,  flirting, watching porn and deleting calls from ladies?

am I missing the 'sex' angle here, or is this divorce thing so rampant now, that for the slightest reasons a 5-year old marriage will pack-up?

Okay, he hurt his wife's feelings, behaved like an 'ass' for not immediately apologising, but her move to lawyers is quite drastic. If she had caught him pants down, what would she have done - killed him?

I think there are deeper reasons for this and he should try to find out more.

Hey to be honest i think you are pretty much screwed. I feel your pain though being that you were idle and jobless and like the saying goes an idle mind is the devils workshop. Honestly your best bet will be to stop vindicating yourself and just admit you were totally in the wrong. Believe me you made a hell of a mistake discussing your marital situation with your female friend that was a major step in the wrong direction. What happens in camp satys in camp!! Your wife obviously is ahead of you in a lot of ways and believe me i am sure she believes she will be better off living without the hassle of a man in her life. What you need to do now is convince her you are going to stop all your meandering and show it not just saying it. You probably were so into talking and texting your friend that you did not do all those to your wife anymore. When last did you send her a romantic text message or just talk with her for hours on end like you were talking with one of your boys! these things matter i tell you.
You obviously appreciate your wife and all her wonderful God bestowed qualities you think a woman like that is easy to find? You are one lucky bastard and you just blew your last chance
Pray to God for forgiveness and to give you the wisdom with which to speak with your wife and plead with her like kiki said you are just selfish and did not want to leave the other woman thats why you agreed with her saying rubbish about your angel. My ex-boyfriend cheated on me with another girl for the 3 years we were together but i still don't let my friends say rubbish about him because its just disrespectful even to me. I imagine the chic would have said she's immature and all that! the brilliant woman you just described if anyone talked shit about her i would slap the taste out their mouth
Please do not take Seuns advice by telling the other lady to call your wife o!! Trouble!! That will be the final nail in you coffin. I've been there believe me girls absolutely hate that. Its like giving her the upper hand. Its up to you man just pray and hope she givesyou a chance to speak with he so you can redeem yourself (thats if you were ever any good)

Ugwumba:

What did Bolarge55 really do, apart from engaging in some rather foolish, but harmless, flirting, watching porn and deleting calls from ladies?

um, he did allow a "stranger" to have a go at his wife, didn't defend her and then advertised the fact to his wife. That's not a good look, shows a lack of respect for her

I was going to say the same thing, I just don't want the 'holier than thous' of Nairaland to attack me. (referring to Ugu's post)

I seriously believe there is more to this story.

Something to do, first you might want to admit to your wife that you did flirt with the woman, just come out straight with your wife, then you might want to find out from your wife, if there is more that she is not telling you. Believe me, if she is leaving you just because of that, then something can be said about your marriage.

Oh well, may everything work out well at the end.

mochafella:

um, he did allow a "stranger" to have a go at his wife, didn't defend her and then advertised the fact to his wife. That's not a good look, shows a lack of respect for her

and for that you'd divorce a man you've been married to for 5 years?  

it will be UNFAIR, that somebody SHARED his PLIGHT with you,nairalanders and you are NOT HELPING matters over his misfortune so baaaaaaaad!!! ,i mean you,guys are just taking thing so PERSONAL,AND MAKING things so HARD for this bolarge55,pls the DID has been DONE,what he wants is SOLUTION,so if you have it, pls give it to him,DON'T FORGET TOMMOROW MAY BE UR TURN. PEACE.

@ Ugwumba
There is really nothing else for tis guy to look into he disrespected his wife in a lot of ways he probably has other skeletons in his closet which he might have apologised for but had not given up the habit. Truth is there might be a chance that because of her new job and status she might be thinking she's better of going it alone. Besides the chic has a 1 year old, enough stress in da house! The guy obviously know he's wrong so just help him find his way back

Ugwumba:


and for that you'd divorce a man you've been married to for 5 years?

Didn't say that, didn't give an opinion on his wife's action, was just adding that "offense" to the ones you listed

*subscribin*

man, as u already know u r in big trouble. But yea, my advice, CUT OFF ALL COMMUNICATION with the other woman - the family breaker woman. And start praying and fasting and SHOW A CHANGE IN ATTITUDE TO YOUR WIFE. And talk to her. Forget ur pride. Get on your knees, and BEG her to forgive you man. Promise her anything, and everything. And pray. Cos dude, it seems like you are gonna lose a WONDERFUL woman. And such women are HARD to find.
So my friend, no judgements here, we all make mistakes. But yea keep working on her. She is a woman, and she with time, if she truly loves you, she will break and come back to you. But dont mess up again.

Do everything possible to make her stay.

Ugwumba is so right.If in five years this is all u did wrong.Common now!!!!!!!!The divorce lawyer shouldn't be coming in so soon.Sounds like a marriage where the wife has been the boss for the 5years.
Advice!
Promise her and sincerely discontinue the offenses and get her counseled in church.
God help us.Marriage is a sacred institution.Its no joke.Don't walk too soon Madam u may be walking from frying pan to fire.

guy,

what were you thinkin chating with some other woman aside your wife, if the table where to turn around and the case was your wife chating with someone, my friend she is going thru alot,you have broken her heart and her trust for you,i dont believe your story any way, and if it where to be true, then you had better grow up. What kind of girl friend would insult my wife,"it very appaullin",i wont accept it,if it were to be me.

Hey. prayer is your key now.

You lot are all missing a very big VITAL part of the story.

Bolarge55 mentioned that his wife carried him through his troubled times, when he was broke, see the quote below.

"to the extent of providing for me financially at times when I was really broke. Infact, she’s the reason that I was able to get a job in the States."

I do not know about you guys but me personally, the idea of supporting a man makes me feel that the man is not man enough to handle his shit. There is an extent to which a woman should and can help you. As a man you should rely on yourself, I can see there are issues of respect in this relationship, how can a woman respect someone she has been carrying, I would get fed up aswell and then on top of that you add lies to the equation, there is only soo much that a real woman can take. Your wife has reached breaking point, you need to step up and prove that you are the man she married.

ACT NON CHALANT ABOUT IT AND SEE THE REACTION.
I BET SHE'D BEG U. DONT WORRY TABLES WILL TURN. SHE HAS EVERYTHING TO LOSE TOO. AFTERALL SHE HAS DROPPED ENGINE. THE BITTER TRUTH STILL REMAINS, PROUD-WOMEN ARE LOSERS ON THE LONG RUN.

THATS THE BITTER PILL

First and foremost, I am not a marriage counsellor. But you all missed something in bolarges' submission. He has a "record of wrongs" with his woman.

izoneb:

, If in five years this is all u did wrong.Common now!!!!!!!!The divorce lawyer shouldn't be coming in so soon.Sounds like a marriage where the wife has been the boss for the 5years.

This is not just about this singular occurence.

kiwibabe:

You lot are all missing a very big VITAL part of the story.
, I do not know about you guys but me personally, the idea of supporting a man makes me feel that the man is not man enough to handle his shit. , how can a woman respect someone she has been carrying, I would get fed up aswell and then on top of that you add lies to the equation, there is only soo much that a real woman can take. Your wife has reached breaking point, you need to step up and prove that you are the man she married.

Forget about the woman being smart and all that. I do not see the woman as bailing out just 'cos Bolarge can not handle his shit either.
Bolarge, I feel for you o but unfortunately most of the people that are advicing you here are people that are not equipped to appreciate your problems talk less of proffering solutions. Please reach me on ireke_onibudo @yahoo.com if you feel like talking about this and I will give you my phone number so that we can talk. Like I said I am not a marriage counsellor but I really feel for you. It could have been me in your shoes.